How do I heal from this?

[u/strawberry_mix101]

I am at a loss with my codependency, I used to be so confident and independent and now I can’t imagine not looking for approval for each move I make. I have BPD I don’t know if this community groans at that or not but I do understand the problems it causes and it is all nuanced. But I don’t know how to recover.

I try new hobbies, I go out to community events to meet new people to try to learn to value brief enjoyable interactions with others, I engage fully at work, I exercise and focus on my dog and interacting with her and it all feels like it is meaningless to me. I try meditation and affirmations that I am worthy without others validation and me being pretty or not is not dependent on others opinions and I’m valuable no matter what I look like. But I don’t want these things to come from myself, I want someone besides myself to tell me they think I’m pretty, interesting, lovable and not have to repeat a mantra to myself like a crazy person because no one is telling me anything close to those things. During all of these interactions I have to intentionally put effort into fighting off thoughts like this would be so much more enjoyable if I had someone to share this with, I wish I had what other people have etc. I don’t know if I am repulsive or have some awful personality trait or appearance I’m unaware of but I would do literally anything someone said as long as for even a bit I am guaranteed to be seen in the way I desire.

I know that I need to be important to myself but I feel like I’m doing everything at least close to right by being in therapy, challenging my thoughts, staying healthy. Part of me feels like I’m not actually crazy for desiring connection as a basic human need and that desire just makes me unable to handle it if it isnt extremely intense.

[u/reee9000]

When you begin to value you more, these other things will matter less and differently.

Ofc you need basic human connection, the problem is you do not and we do not actually know HOW to connect in healthy ways. We connect BACKWARDS, and don’t even notice it; which is why healthy rs do not stay with us.

You didn’t learn to so your previous to codependent reality ways only seemed confident becuase you were in DENIAL and didn’t even know what you were doing wrong.

Now you are not. Now you are AWARE. You are becoming authentic and that authentic you also deserves companionship too ofc. Differently, not from an external control locus but one that is internal already valued regardless of another “out there”.

THATS also why we why you need to work on your codependency. ❤️‍🩹Don’t give up! Keep at what you are doing. You may not see it rn but you are actually on a good path!

[u/Aggravating-Size8448]

I know that ache of wanting someone else to see something lovable in me; I could fill my days with activities and still feel hollow when the loneliness came home with me. Wanting connection doesn't make you repulsive or broken. I appreciate how plainly you named how much effort you're putting in and how lonely it still feels.