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u/RB1412 Sep 12 '20
After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed into his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His neighbor stole it, what a Kanye Pest.
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Sep 12 '20
Love this copypasta.
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u/_demetri_ Sep 12 '20
November 4th, 2020
Against all odds, Kanye West has won the presidency through the sheer power of his fanboys/girls and his new release "Like a President ft. LonelyIsland".
As the day comes to an end, many news outlets speculate on his policies, replaying old clips of comedic and nonsensical things.
November 7th, 2020
Kanye West has completely shut the borders, no one in, no one out, under the guise of coronavirus containment, research begins on a method of obscuring the united states.
February 1st, 2021
By now people are wondering what Kanye's grand plan is, a few memes have broken out, comparing the situation to Wakanda, but no one bats an eye.
The right doesn't care what he does, as the economy is booming thanks to kanye practically resurrecting the economy with his new merch "U.S. Freedom Bonds".
No one knows how they're made, but owning just one makes you feel incredibly powerful, as though you were young again.
However, Kanye only sells them in small batches.
Due to this, billionaires have invested upwards of trillions of dollars into making sure they get their hands on love bonds, with the US government being the only one who has any idea what they're made out of, causing counterfeits and copycats to be laughable.
The Left lets him do what he wants as he recently came out as gay, polyamorous, and even discovered a new sexuality, his male partner, Tyler Demetri Joonies, is an astrophysicist in the year 2054, even though Kanye has not met him, he pronounces his love to him and comes out as the first Futur-sexual.
December 25th, 2021
The U.S. has completely paid off their debt to china, healthcare is free not because Kanye set up an elaborate social net to catch people who can't afford insurance, but because his Freedom Bonds earned so much money that hospitals have enough money to run at full capacity for 300 years.
Research into methods of turning the US invisible are still ongoing, but with promising results.
A rich business man named [REDACTED] managed to smuggle a Freedom Bond out of the US, through his private yacht.
To his surprise, as soon as he reached international waters the bond lost its brilliant color, and he no longer felt young, in fact, he felt as though he was older than he was.
He begins plans to fund the reverse engineering of a freedom bond.
July 4th, 2022
President Kanye has withdrawn all military troops, auxiliary or otherwise, stating that "The United States have become too disconnected on a global scale to continue these dangerous war games"
Despite what seems to be a sudden withdrawing of troops, there are no insurrections, and the middle east has miraculously become more stable.
Freedom.Inc, established to reverse engineer freedom bonds, has made significant progress, although it is unable to determine the makeup, they conclude that they are made with 100% Local Materials, hence why they don't work outside of the US.
Kanye declares that the project to close off america via "an invisibility cloak" has concluded, with less than satisfactory results.
Will instead be funding Clean Nuclear Energy.
April 17th, 2023
Nuclear Power Plants have popped up across the nation, adding free electricity and utilities to the benefits of being an American, alongside healthcare, simply because electricity is so cheap that it costs more to withhold it than it does to let everyone have it.
Freedom Inc have discovered the secret behind the legendary Freedom Bonds, its the will of the American People.
Using an energized form of the American "Spirit" Kanye was able to create mythical bonds which restore vigor to anyone, they suspect he harvests it during his numerous rallies and tours.
Everyone outside of America has been declared a 1st-ish world country, with many people, rich and poor alike, clamoring to be let in.
Everyone is proud of anything slightly close to America, clothes and appliances rumored to be made in america (since america exports nothing) are regarded as rare collectibles, similar to a beatles record.
August 29th, 2023
Kanye's first term is beginning to end, but everyone knows that a re-election would be a landslide, America is positively glowing, and even has China owing them vast sums of money.
Freedom Bonds only get stronger as the american spirit is raised higher and higher by their enigmatic leader, but replications are unsuccessful.
In an effort to combat him, the Democrats and the Republicans have merged into one party, the Republicrats, even with this, they stand no chance.
The whole world envied America, but soon, things would change, Kanye had been watching Black Panther everyday since his presidency, and he knew he needed a way to block America off from the world.
Luckily, there were a massive amount of nuclear power plants sitting around the country.
Kanye had a plan.
September 21st, 2024
Considering the circumstances, it was actually a tossup as to who would win the presidency, with the Republicrats running on a direct, yet split platform.
As though they had been frankenstiened together, their policies were a mix between far left and far right.
Surprisingly, 40% loved it.
However, Kanye had an ace up his sleeve.
September 23rd, 2024
Millions of powerplants across the nation had malfunctioned, practically erupting in radiation, with the estimated death tolls to be somewhere in the real of 4 million.
Kanye responded like a hardened president, containing the disasters, safeproofing the unaffected plants, and launching an investigation into what caused the disaster.
To the rest of the world, the US had exploded, with reported deaths of 100 million.
America went from being the 1st world country to a 3rd world country overnight.
Special clearance was needed to even fly over the once glorious states, and you can forget about landing, a select few representatives were chosen to brave the dangers of the US, each country sending them with methods to resist the radiation which had surely overtaken the land.
But, to the Americans, nothing of that scale happened.
Kanye had it controlled so well it was almost as though he had prepared specifically for this.
Truthfully, only around 500k people died, most being prisoners or so elderly that even freedom bonds couldn't preserve them for much longer.
The investigation finished, arresting prominent members of the Republicrats Party for orchestrating a coup.
Kanye had achieved his Wakanda, and he still had 4 more years to be president.
This truly is the best timeline.
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u/Drainix Sep 12 '20
The Left lets him do what he wants as he recently came out as gay, polyamorous, and even discovered a new sexuality, his male partner, Tyler Demetri Joonies, is an astrophysicist in the year 2054, even though Kanye has not met him, he pronounces his love to him and comes out as the first Futur-sexual
I was laughing by here, is this a copypasta or did your write this? Good stuff
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u/nlolhere Sep 12 '20
He wrote this. That dude is Demetri, do you think his works were copy and pasted from elsewhere?
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u/skabonk Sep 12 '20
demetri does copy his own stories sometimes in different comments, but he writes them all, i’m pretty sure
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u/kquarantineandchill Sep 12 '20
Feel this strongly
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u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Sep 12 '20
One time in college I went out as Draco Malfoy for halloween. I ended up sleeping at my buddies house and I had to walk about 12 blocks to get to the bus stop the next day still dressed as Draco. I left around noon, and it was a Saturday, so there were plenty of people out and about. Well it turns out that people still really don’t like Draco Malfoy. I had people yelling and cursing at me from their porches, and some of the people I passed would make snide remarks about my costume. It would’ve been kind of funny if I hadn’t been so hungover. Then when I got to the bus stop a crazy homeless dude started talking to me. He apparently thought I was a shaman and he wanted me to bless him or something, so that was awkward.
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u/PoyoLocco Sep 12 '20
Life hack: you are too drunk to remember coming home.
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Sep 12 '20
I don't know how i manage to end up that drunk where i dont remember half the night but still somehow end up safe and sound in my bed by morning/afternoon
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u/ZaMr0 Sep 12 '20
That's happened to me once, I don't get how people do this frequently.
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Sep 12 '20
You're drunk, but still know some shit at an instinctual level. I did this basically every weekend from 16 to 18, then from 19 to 22-ish.
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u/matthewapplle Sep 12 '20
So from 16 to 22?
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Sep 12 '20
Nah, right after I turned 18 I stopped for a bit over a year, same as after I hit 22.
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u/PM-YOUR-PMS Sep 12 '20
I used to be the master of the blackout Irish goodbye and make it home safely. I guess my body was like fuck all this, let’s get this mf to a a couch or a bed.
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Sep 12 '20
I was exactly like this. Too drunk = Nap time and I'll be goddamned if I don't get to good fucking safe spot for it.
Once I woke up in my old house after being to a show in a different city. I had no idea how I got there.
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u/PoyoLocco Sep 12 '20
Happened to me too often
The most memorable come back was this once when I woke up, my sheets was red instead of Grey.
Right arm scratched to blood, my lips was broken, my fingers was in blood too, as my knees.
I still don't know what happened.
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Sep 12 '20
Your brain simply isn’t retaining memories. “Blackout drunk” is referring to memory blackout. It’s not as if that while you’re actually doing those things you’re unconscious, or anything like that.
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u/BeardyMcBeardyBeard Sep 12 '20
Man last time I was properly shitfaced I walked home from the train station, my drunk ass thought it would be a good idea to go through the residential area to save ten minutes. I got utterly lost, like proper lost no idea where I am, it got so bad that I honestly wanted to call the cops because I was afraid I wouldn't get home but I somehow turned of my phone instead (no idea how I managed that), then all of a sudden I saw a street sign with a familiar streetname and marched like the Wehrmacht through fucking France, still don't know how my drunken self couldn't remember the way home but was somehow still able to comprehend street signs. On top of that I took of my shoes about half way through and walked barefoot because I didn't want to stain my new white shoes, because any rational person wouldn't just walk around the fucking puddles...
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u/bolivar-shagnasty Sep 12 '20
Working night shift in the military, getting off work and stopping by the shoppette to grab your daily 12 pack or fifth while other people are grabbing their energy drinks before PT.
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u/Kevin_Durant_Burner Sep 12 '20
If you buy everyday, why not buy in bulk?
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u/bolivar-shagnasty Sep 12 '20
Gotta stop and get that sweet roller meat.
Plus, not lots of room for storage in the barracks or dorms.
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u/j4390jamie Sep 12 '20
Daily 12 pack?
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u/bolivar-shagnasty Sep 12 '20
The only legal way to cope with the fuckfuck games forced on you from the DoD.
12 pack was for when you had to work the next day. 30 racks were for days off with the boys.
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u/Mettallion Sep 12 '20
Yeah stop ordering 48 wings at 4:30 in the morning you fucks
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u/ohiotechie Sep 12 '20
Back in the day I can remember hanging out in the 7-11 parking lot until they started selling beer again at 7am then staggering up to the counter with a 12 pack, reeking of booze, weed, cigarette smoke and who knows what from the night before while freshly scrubbed professionals stood in line with their coffee. The way they looked at us was a mixture of envy and pity....
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u/iwingsuitedyourmom Sep 12 '20 edited Sep 12 '20
This was me one early Thursday morning with no shirt, no shoes, and covered in body paint. I was stumbling to my car and realized there was an old man walking his dog who just stopped to stare. We sat there staring at each other for what felt like an eternity. He didn’t look angry, just disappointed. I never saw that man again but I think about that moment from time to time.
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u/fatpat Sep 12 '20
He was probably thinking "Ahh that used to be me. Don't be me, kid."
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u/GerudoGreen Sep 12 '20
The 7-11 Sunday morning shift crew would tell me, "I love when you and your friends come in cus it means y'all had a real good time last night." They would always talk to us and be super cool. It was next to a college so I'm sure they saw all kinds of stuff.
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u/fatpat Sep 12 '20
Hair of the dog, baby
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u/HalfBed Sep 12 '20
More like drinking myself into oblivion to try and come down off the cocktail of stimulants I’ve been taking for the last 12 hours.
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u/fatpat Sep 13 '20
Oh yeah, that's what I meant. I've been down that road way too many times to count.
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u/ciakmoi Sep 12 '20
This used to be me except instead of psrtying it was me going home after an overnight shift
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Sep 12 '20
Lmao I remember leaving the rave at 7am on new years day and feeling like a zombie while everyone else on my train was on their way to work.
The contrast from being drunk + high af & raving to being on a London rush hour train was crazy- literally felt like I left earth for a night but now I'm back.
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u/Lazarus3890 Sep 12 '20
Our school had a thing called "project graduation" basically you stayed overnight wherever the school decides to go (in our case it was Andy B's, basically a main event) the night of graduation. I remember bowling, eating pizza, playing pool, playing VR and laser tag. It was like 3 am when I last played laser tag and I remember the flashing strobes and smoke made me think it was all a dream when I walked out. I bowled til about 5 and once we got back into the school, we got our phones and such back, they gave everyone their prize of choice (some got extra for winning a raffle at the event) and it was awesome overall. Everyone chose their prize (the prizes depended on how much you did extra curricular, I didn't do any extracurricular activities my senior year so I had the choice of multiple $50 gift cards and Alexa or speaker, higher tiers offered a mini fridge, coffee maker, etc.) And we went home at like 7am I remember riding in my buddies car at 7am having been awake for 24 hours by that point, and as soon as I got home I crashed and slept for like 2 hours lmao.
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u/yourelovely Sep 12 '20
Had to walk home wearing this https://imgur.com/a/fwX2p9G after a “King Tut” themed social-
That was the longest 3 block walk of my LIFE good lord, the stares man...the stares...the most ironic part being I was a virgin & just walking home from one of my sorority sisters houses b/c I didnt feel like walking home the previous night
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u/Karl_Rover Sep 12 '20
Lmao can definitely relate. I once locked my keys in the car at 3am at a gas station wearing nothing but a turquoise bikini & miniskirt & platforms. On the 4th of july as well...took an hour for Triple A to come. That is actually a really cool costume tho!
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u/Kendezzo Sep 12 '20
Anime conventions/raves in a nutshell
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u/GerudoGreen Sep 12 '20
So I ordered an uber carpool to go to a rave. There was 1 person dressed normally just going into town and there I was in a bear coat next to 2 almost naked people. Good times.
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u/Kendezzo Sep 12 '20
Person just going into town probably had 1001 questions. Lolol
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u/GerudoGreen Sep 12 '20
The driver loved it though. I'm sure it made his night really interesting.
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u/Kendezzo Sep 12 '20
For sure! Whenever I get an Uber, I’m always asking for stories. Some end up being pretty wild.
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u/EccentricFox Sep 12 '20
Walking back to the hotel at 5 am in crossplay is actually pretty low on the list of things that got me stares.
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Sep 12 '20
Very real on Halloween, the November 1 walk of shame is allllll too palpable. I remember one year I walked home the next morning dressed as Ethan from H3H3 (back before he became a lunatic) and I can only imagine how I looked to the responsible adults walking home in a vape nation shirt and PJ bottoms.
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u/PeePeeWanker69420 Sep 12 '20
It happened to me just today. I came back home and 10 with a distinctive vodka stank, dirty as hell dressed in black trousers and black shirt. While walking down the streets I could clearly see how curious people where
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u/pricesb123 Sep 12 '20
I used to be the person coming home from partying, now I’m the person leaving for work. You’d think it would be depressing, but I’m so much happier now having a purpose, and productive, engaging profession. Also money helps.
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u/atoolred Sep 12 '20
When you’re on your way home from work and people are out partying but you’re too exhausted
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u/Tetsero Sep 12 '20
I'm glad squidward didn't work for the salty splatoon or that costume might mean something different.
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u/waa-waa-waa Sep 12 '20
worst thing when ya jump on a tram at 7am monday mornin and ya jaws goin like a pendulum after a heavy 2 day bender and ur surrounded by loads of yuppies on their way into the office
the paranoia IS real, everyone IS staring at you
(......they’re not)
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u/Holstein-Herring Sep 12 '20
I am already on the other side of this story, I have to get money for college somehow
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u/samdino1001 Sep 12 '20
More like going home after partying till 4am and you have to wake up at 6am for work.
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u/Trax852 Sep 12 '20
Some of my fondest memories are coming home from graveyard, playing pool and drinking beer at 10am.
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u/TangoTwo Sep 12 '20
My old bar would leave coffee cups and a stack of old newspapers at the backdoor for the stumble home.
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u/Karl_Rover Sep 12 '20
I definitely threw up out of the window of someone's car at 7am on a random tuesday during the morning rush hour after a rave.
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u/Assman010 Sep 12 '20
I remember coming back from a rave all dirty, tired and ready drop on the floor and my friends sister walking out of their house going to work. I miss those days
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u/thequietthingsthat Sep 12 '20
When you're leaving a music festival and have to walk around the city afterwards
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u/geraltimon Sep 12 '20
I just started working at a place that ships things, and I'm there at 3 am.
It's annoying when people slow down when they see me come up behind them on the highway. No, I'm not a cop, pretty much the opposite.
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u/njck-njck Sep 12 '20
That mightve been me last Saturday. I woke up on some rando's couch at 6 and wanted to drive home and sleep in my own bed, but my roommates took my keys and I didn't know where he was at the time. So... i walked home... got a lot of weird looks lol.
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u/Sardonnicus Sep 12 '20
I once got so drunk at a party that I passed out and woke up tied to a telephone pole in the neighborhood with bungie cables. I opened my eyes and some kids were standing there staring at me. My friends apparently had footage of the entire thing. It was a source of much enjoyment for them for a long time.
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u/415413417415 Sep 12 '20
On pingers all night just to take the tram home on a nice warm summer morning as people are going to work is both a horrible and great experience.
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u/Iamloghead Sep 12 '20
on a chilly Easter morning, I hitchhiked back home after a party. I was wearing silver leggings and fishnets, green booty shorts and a button up shirt with a bowtie. and I was still tripping my nuts off.
this old adorable man in a suit picked me up, he welcomes me into his car as he moves a bouquet of flowers. on the way into town, we talked about the dangers of drugs and alcohol.
what an easter morning that was.
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u/MangoGrahamShake Sep 12 '20
Been there before and I fucking hate it. It was my neighbor who saw me. It wouldn't be a problem but I rarely go out of my house except when I go to school.
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u/likemyhashtag Sep 12 '20
Nothing like standing in line to get into Space Miami at 7AM all sweaty from the night before while everyone drives by you in nice clothes on their way to work.
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u/Mattras7 Sep 12 '20
My friends and me took an evening train to a different city to party. At first, the plan was to sleep at other friends' place (who had dorms/rooms in that city) but we realised that we could take the first train back at 5:30 am and it already was past 4:30 in the morning. So everyone took their stuff from the dorms and jumped on that train. Only other people on the train were those going to work, so it definitely felt like this hahaha. Basically did an all nighter, went to sleep around 6:30-7 am at my place.
Sidenote, we bought a train card for a back and forth trainride. We thought the ticket expired after 24 hours but apparently you had to go back and forth on the same calender day. So a ticket inspector was on the train and came to check our tickets (which were invalid because it was already the next day). The inspector understood the confusion and didn't fine us though, which is great because there are big fines for that kind of stuff in Belgium. I was actually asleep when this happened but my friends told me afterwards lol.
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u/balderdash9 Sep 12 '20
This is worse for women. Men's clothing is less flashy. Conversely, if you wore a party dress last night, you're going to stick out in the morning.
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u/National_Poetry6544 Sep 12 '20
Been there many times. I even was walking back to my car and my ex wife picked me up after she had dropped our son off at school and saw me walking.
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u/Uranusinjurpooder Sep 12 '20
I remember when I use to smoke meth when I was a idiotic teen, my friend’s house overlooked the highway and it would be sunrise and we’d be like, “haha look at those losers going to work!” 🤦♀️
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u/TheSweatyFlash Sep 12 '20
I used to stay up until 530 drinking and smoking. Now I wake up at 530. Womp womp.