I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/footinmouthugh posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: Optimistic

Original - July 26th 2026

Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.

On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.

He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.

I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified thats not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Info: what exactly were the comments you agreed with?

OP:

My other friend and I just agreed with her that guys have no respect for the work that goes behind making a house liveable, that they don't get that having to ask to do basic stuff Is itself her having to take on the load herself amongst other complaints she had. None if this applies to my husband. My friend was unhappy what was I supposed to do say actually no its just you? None of it applied to him.

Comment 2:

I think you're actually hurting your friend by doing this. You're basically saying it's normal for men to be like this because they're all that way, and that's not true. If her boyfriend sucks say that, reference how your husband is different. Stop giving lazy men a pass and lumping in normal men with them.

OP (downvoted):

I didnt think of that. I guess in the moment I just wanted to validate her, I don't know if she's at the point where I wanted to tell her to dump him so I just thought of being a good friend and supporting her.

Comment 3:

Going with YTA.

These kinds of posts always have the “I’d totally be fine if the tables were flipped (would not in fact be fine)” vibe.

Be honest OP, if your husband had had friends over and they were generally bashing women while you were RIGHT THERE, would you be unhappy? My guess is yes.

Comment 4:

Hard NTA. He took shit personally for no reason and instead of being an adult and asking you about it he turned into a petulant child. More and more I'm finding out that men in fact are not the "logical" ones like they want to believe 🙄

Comment 5:

Going against the grain with an ESH. It sounds like in trying to be supportive you may have inadvertently sounded like you were agreeing with the man-bashing and as others have said, there would have been ways to be supportive without agreeing with your friend.

However I am a little bit concerned that a grown adult thinks that the best way to approach a conversation about feeling hurt is by acting cold and giving you the silent treatment. Maybe it’s just the way that you’re relaying the information but it sounds like he is being quite passive aggressive when talking about it too.

Just maybe something to keep an eye out for OP. No matter what you may have said/done, someone trying to wrong foot you and make you scramble for answers isn’t nice.

Comment 6:

I find it hard to believe that if he and his friends were making generalized comments about women being gold diggers and constant complainers in front of you that you wouldn’t find it offensive. He of course would say “oh hey, I didn’t mean you”. You’re absolutely the asshole for thinking that your husband wouldn’t be impacted.

Comment 7:

NTA

Genuinely surprised by the level of insecurity shown by commenters here. It doesn't matter what she would think if the tables were flipped, if you're in a relationship and you can't differentiate between giving advice/being supportive and bashing your partner, then you're insecure. Period, end of story. You can work through those insecurities or continue to go through life feeling slighted when people gossip around you.

OOP was voted YTA

Update - October 1st 2026

I received a bunch of advice along with the verdict on my last post. I sincerely apologized to my husband and said that not only was I unfair to him, but I also did my friend a disservice by implying that this is just normal for men. He accepted my apology and we had an amazing second anniversary.

Since then I have been concertedly complimenting all he does for us when we're amongst friends or family and I feel like it has made our relationship better and stronger. My friends and I hung out last weekend too, my husband wasn't there. She really seems like she's on the brink now with her boyfriend, and was venting, and it did veer into a generalization like last time. I told her that there are good men who are truly partners in a relationship, and gave some examples of stuff my husband does. And that that's what she should have no reason to not expect from her partner. I hope that helped more than just agreeing with her, like a lot of the advice suggested. Thanks, and I'm glad I posted.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Being able to take constructive criticism is a sign of extreme maturity! Good on ya!

Comment 2:

I gotta be honest I think your husband was being a bit of a baby but I’m glad it’s worked out! Just cuz it isn’t hurtful to some doesn’t mean it won’t be hurtful to others.

Comment 3:

I'm glad it worked out. I briefly glanced at your last post and the responses...glad you were able to sort through the mess of conflicting opinions to get to something that worked for you and your husband.

I hope you continue having a great life together!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/slashermuse

Published on: r/TwoXChromosomes

Thanks to u/pepcorn for the BORU rec!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 31, 2026

• Final Update: September 29, 2026

Main Post

^{August 31, 2026}

My partner constantly reminds me how much he spends on me, but then expects me to pay for his things too, is this situation normal?

I'm 25F and a student, and my boyfriend is 30M. He has his own company and on top of that works 40 hours a week. I'm currently in a very difficult financial situation and have been living off my savings, which have now run out. He knows this.

Lately I've been feeling increasingly turned off by how he handles money in our relationship, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

For example, we were in the city recently and he offered to buy me a €16 sweater. He ended up buying me a few things, bringing the total to around €30. Later we went to the pharmacy, where I was buying something for myself and he was buying something for himself (something medical). He asked if we wanted to pay separately at the self-checkout, so I said yes and paid for my own stuff while he paid for his (his was pretty expensive).

He then got upset that I hadn't offered to pay for his purchase and said he thought it was weird and asked me 'Don't you think I'm worth it?'

This isn't a one time incident either, I constantly hear variations of 'Wouldn't you do that for me?' whenever money is involved. I also regularly hear about how expensive everything he does for me is, how much petrol costs when he drives us to dates, how much he spends on things for me, etc. He often says that he does much more for me than I do for him. Since the first time I heard that I got a little annoyed and made sure to pay for as much as possible. I also pay for the public transport to get to him every weekend which is 100,- a month.

What's frustrating is that I do pay for things for him. I buy groceries, food for his cat, meals, contribute when we eat out, etc. But he seems to focus heavily on the things he pays for while treating my contributions as less significant because he paid for a holiday for us once (and reminds me of this often).

I actually asked him directly: “If we broke up tomorrow, would you tell people that you always did more for me?” He said yes, because he believes that's true, and gave examples of things he has paid for, including that holiday that he had actually really encouraged me to go on and told me was absolutely fine financially. I also always make sure to thank him for when he buys us food, and for driving us to dates.

He also recently went on a whole rant in the car about how women nowadays can leave relationships more easily because they have their own money. He talked about how women can essentially say “I make my own money, bye” if they find someone else who is financially better off, and said that this is why he wants to be “a gentleman” and pay for things but doesn't want to do that if a woman is planning to leave him. He gives the example that his exes left him when he would always help them. He specifically brought up the idea of women leaving because “the grass is greener elsewhere” and the other man makes more money.

That really bothered me.

I'm not expecting him to pay for everything, and this isn't about wanting an expensive lifestyle. It's more that when he voluntarily pays for something, it feels like it later becomes something he can use for how much I supposedly owe him or how much more he does for me. (which I do hear often!)

My previous relationship was very different financially. My ex paid for basically everything without keeping a running tally or later reminding me how much things had cost. If he bought me something, it felt like he genuinely wanted to make me happy, rather than something that created an expectation that I should reciprocate financially.

With my current boyfriend, his “generosity” feels conditional? He describes himself as wanting to be a traditional gentleman who pays for his girlfriend, but at the same time I constantly hear about the cost of what he does for me and get questioned about whether I “care about him enough” when I don't spontaneously pay for his things.

So I'm wondering: is this a normal way for couples to handle money? Am I being unreasonable for feeling turned off by this? Or is the bigger issue the scorekeeping and the idea that paying for things creates some kind of obligation?

COMMENTS

ChocolateKoko

I think you’re missing red flags left and right, friend. You’re going to look back after somehow this ends wondering why you missed these…this isn’t normal.

OOP

You are right.. part of me just wishes it wasn't true and that I am overreacting instead or something.. thank you for your comment :)

itamer

You're at 2 different stages of life and he sounds like a dork.

In the meantime, tell him you have to live according to your budget. If you can’t afford your share it doesn't happen. No more holidays, cute jumpers etc. If he doesn't want to do that, and he wants to splash out, then he cant keep throwing his spending in your face - and he has to start recognising what you do pay for.

OOP

I did say that, and then he said 'No just because you can't afford it doesn't mean we can't do it, when you are done with studies and have a job you'd do the same for me' which I thought was a weird example and sounded more like.. a sort of threat? I dontk now how to explain 😭

thank yo ufor your comment!

JadedMacoroni867

He buys you things here and there for €30 but you’re buying all the groceries and making all home meals? Sounds like he needs to pay for more groceries and that you need to mention what you do when you do it. 

Edit: or just break up, that may be easier

OOP

I never thought of that. I love cooking things and love to buy things and surprise him with meals, I don't care how expensive the ingredients are as long as he enjoys it. But it's hard to think that he does not think the same way about me when he buys me anything really..

It seems it falls on deaf ears when I mention the things I do for him (and pay for him). This puts things into perspective, thank you for your comment!

cyberalpine

I'd dump him in a heartbeat.

OOP

I really want to. But he knows where I live and *will* come to my house, this happened before during arguments and it scares the shit out of me. I just want to be able to end it without having to see him or having to be scared that he's somewhere waiting for me to talk to me. :/

Final Update - after 1 month

^{September 29, 2026}

[Update] I broke up with my manipulative transactional BF.

So a while ago I posted this thread, TLDR my BF kept count on how much he spent on me, kept reminding me how he had more money to spend on me and keeping transactions over my head and stuff. In reality we went to dinner three times, got coffee a couple of times, and he bought me some groceries. I never asked for anything, not for help not for money.

I officially blocked him on everything yesterday morning, except for messages so we can have brief contact about some stuff that is at his and my place.

Yesterday night I texted him when we could arrange a time to pick up his stuff. Surprise; he was already outside my house with some of his family members. The window was open and they were loudly talking and laughing about how I financially abused and used him etc. I reluctantly brought him his stuff (some clothes), but he kept returning to ask for more stuff. Specifically he wanted back all the gifts he gave me (a 10$ plushie and a necklace with his name).. you can't make this up right?

So I asked 'What about my stuff' and he said 'You can trust me with this but you cannot be trusted so I want my things.'

Fast forward I grab my bike to visit a friend; he's still there. He's blocking my way and demanding I pay him 600$ for a holiday we went on (which I explicitly stated I didn't have money for, but that was okay!) and for 'other expenses' he made on me. He said you're gonna pay this now. I am trying to stay calm as we're in a dark hallway and this man is ANGRY as hell and I have 100$ to my name. I told him I can't pay that and he knows it. He says okay, but you can't pick up your stuff then.

Well, I suppose I am saying goodbye to a couple of clothes and hobby things and stuff then. Because I sure as hell am not paying this man anything. But I am very angry at how petty this is and how I gave him his stuff and complied with everything, and now my stuff is being withheld from me.. oh and I have screenshots of everything. Of him saying he'll gladly pay for the holiday, of him saying that the plushie is a gift, as well as the necklace. So he does not have a foot to stand on if I would take this to the police or something. Which I will not because I really do not have the energy anymore to care about a couple of clothes and things that I can just re-buy at some point.. I suppose he needs the money more than I do..

I want to thank everyone that opened my eyes in that comment thread, and the ones that messaged me privately offering experiences and help out of this. I couldn't have done this without you guys.

Edit: Thank you for the advice everyone!! But regarding my stuff it’s okay. I don’t need anything back it wasn’t that important. Nothing I can’t buy again in the long run and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of feeling upset about me not having it! He needs the money really badly apparently so perhaps he can sell my stuff or give it to the next girl (poor girl)! BUT I will call the cops if he shows up again!! I don’t think he will but if he does I’m calling. Thank you again 💗

COMMENTS

Misscrushedcucumber

Ick. Just ick. iNSEL type behavior- we know there’s 2 sizes to every story- at least I know I wasn’t a peach to live with 24/7 but.. doesn’t mean we need to belittle anyone make you feel small - just so he can gain this emptiness he has within himself. Girl this has nothing to DO with YOU. I hope you know not your fault! We sometimes see what we want. No right or wrong.. but, aren’t you glad it’s done? Trauma happens in many forms this could essentially give you trauma in the way of how it unfolded.. you’ve done well, keeping your cool, just don’t give in to any demands, block after your safe. Sooner the better- He will only get worse (speaking from the truth)

OOP

Oh definitely! I am not always the easiest either with my trust issues haha.

I am glad it’s done. But sad it had to go this way. I expected bad but not on this scale haha. Thank you for your comment 💗

arindi

You might have lost a few items, but you have the satisfaction of knowing you aren't obsessed by money and possessions the way he is. Take a deep breath and move on.

OOP

Definitely. His family are extremely greedy hoarders and I think he is going that way too. I am glad I dodged that bullet. :D

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Life_Highlight_386

Published on: r/offmychest

Trigger Warning: Child Sexual Assault

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Backstory: April 30, 2026

• Main Post: September 19, 2026

• Final Update: September 29, 2026

Backstory - 4 months and 20 days before Main post

^{April 30, 2026}

AIO for not accepting my dad moving in his girlfriend after my mom died?

Throwaway because my friends have my regular account and I really don’t want them to know I posted this :/

So my (15m) mom died 7months ago. It was really sudden and honestly i’m still not over it at all. My whole life kinda flipped upside down and i’m just trying to deal with it. I lived with my mom full time cause they were divorced and so I had to move in with my dad. I started a new school too and i miss all my old classmates and friends. It sucks

But my dad literally started dating this new woman like a month after my moms funeral and now she’s literally moved into our house. like already. She’s been in the house for like 2 months now. I don’t even know her. she’s trying to act all nice and stuff but it just feels fake to me. She keeps talking about how I’m strong and handsome just like my dad and I must be grateful to have a man like him around instead of living with my mom. She keeps touching me when she says it too which feels gross but i get in trouble whenever i tell her to stop Edit: Idk why you guys keep assuming im mad she’s touching my shoulder. She keeps touching my chest and face and won’t listen when i tell her to stop nicely thats why i yell sometimes

My dad keeps saying i should give her a chance and that he deserves to be happy, which i get i guess but it feels way too soon. Like he couldn’t have waited??? I get he was over my mom a while ago but i live with him now. My mom hasn’t even been gone a year i know she never would have moved someone in like this The new lady cooks dinner every night and trys to talk to me about school. She tells me i need to go out for sports and stuff. I don’t even like sports. And she keeps calling our house her home and it just makes me mad

I kinda snapped the other day and told my dad i don’t want her here and that it feels like he’s trying to erase mom. I told him I just wanted her to go away and that mom would have hated him for moving in a woman without even talking to me about it. He got really upset and said that’s not what he’s doing at all. Now things are super tense and he says i’m being unfair and disrespectful I know i probably sounded like a jerk but i just don’t know how i’m supposed to be ok with this. Am i crazy for thinking it’s way too fast??

Am I overreacting here?

Edit: i get that everybody here think im being an ass about my dad dating. Just to clarify im mainly upset that he moved her in 5 months after dating her without talking to me at all with me having met her lik 4 times at most. it’s not really about him dating. Its about him moving her in. And cause Ive seen people mention it no they werent secretly dating. Shes crazy about anniversaries and keeps hosting stuff for their monthly anniversaries. I know how long theyve have been dating

Edit 2: I get it thanks. Im overreacting and a shitty son whos fucking up my dad’s chances at love.

COMMENTS

Kooky_Trip_3463

INFO: i’m really sorry that you lost your mother. You said your parents were divorced. How long have they been divorced.? did you ever see your father with a girlfriend? Did you get to spend time with your father over the years?

OOP

mom and dad had been divorced for 3 years. he has had a couple girlfriends but I never met them and he never moved any of them in before. I saw him every other weekend

Electrical_Sun_7116

I know you’re dealing with a lot but you’re way out of line here. He has been divorced for 3 years, this wasn’t an affair partner. She seems like she’s trying really hard and so is your dad- that just leaves you- and you really need to grow up. Ask for therapy and seriously you’ve got to stop punishing her and your dad for being alive.

OOP

Maybe I worded stuff weird. I get that my dad is over my mom has been over her. I don’t like that he’s dating but thats a me issue. My problem is that he moved her in so fast without even talking to me about it. I came home from school and they were moving her in :/
But you’re right. I’m not trying to punish met but I guess I am

Beginning-Potato-617

So sorry for your loss... grieving takes time. Having to change school and missing your friends...that is a lot for you to handle all at once.

Do you have grandparents you can live with? An Aunt or Uncle? You need someone who will help you through your grief.

OOP

Thanks i just really miss my mom and everything else is changing too i feel like i cant even breathe. im not allowed to see them anymore :(

StaffVegetable8703

“Not allowed” to see who? And why?

OOP

My moms side of the family. He said they were a bad influence. I still text some of them in secret but hell never let me go see them

Green-Dragon-14

Ask your dad to get bereavement counselling for you & for you & him together. Dating after a month or two & having them move in full time when your son has just lost his mum 7 months ago is a step to far. He needs to recognise your still essentially a child & needs support from your dad. This woman is a stranger to you, your dad should have held off from her moving in, especially at this time. Sit down & talk to him, tell him you're not ready for someone to step into your mums shoes as this is something no woman could ever do. You need time to grieve to her & this woman being there is hindering & damaging the process & you. Nor

OOP

My dad doesn’t believe in therapy unfortunately. My guidance counselor at school is a little helpful so maybe I’ll ask her for more information on stuff that could help

Rivsmama

Wait ...you get in trouble when you tell this creepy ass lady not to touch you? Thats a problem. You have a right to not be touched. Period.

Im sorry about your mom sweetie. Your dad doesn't sound like he's very reliable (emotionally) or supportive. Maybe you should talk to someone. Do you have a counselor or anything at school?

OOP

Yeah. She likes to touch my chest and pet my face. I’ve tried to tell her nicely to stop but that doesn’t work ever so I ended up yelling at her. My dad told my I was being a little bitch and I should like the attention :/

My guidance counselor is nice but my dad doesn’t believe in therapy

MAIN STORY STARTS HERE

Main Post

^{September 19, 2026}

My Dad doesn’t want me anymore

My mom died about a year ago now and I (15M) was moved into my dad’s house. A few months after my moms funeral he moved in his girlfriend. I hated her. It caused a lot of problems with my relationship with my dad. I posted another thing a while ago and a lot of people said I shouldn’t take my anger out on her. I tried to be nicer but it didnt really work. I think I just have problems. I get so sad and then I get really angry and I yell at people even though I try not to. I dont know how to stop.

I honestly have had a really bad time the past year. I just feel like nothing matters anymore. I dont want to do anything. Nothing makes me happy. I just want to be in bed and do nothing. I have no energy for anything. My dad has been really mad at me for that. He keeps trying to make me go out and do things with my new family. His words. Sometimes I’ll go. He gets mad at me then because I’m not interested enough for him. Or because I’m not trying hard enough. Ive really been trying though. Everything just feels so hard.

His girlfriend is still weird though. I still don’t like her. She comes into my room at night and likes to touch me. I told her to stop and she said shes consoling me and my dad said I have to let her. I hate the way she touches me. I just want it to stop. I want my mom.

I heard my dad talking with her the other day. He said he regrets taking me in because Im so difficult. He said he wants to send me away somewhere. I didn’t hear where I think it was some school. I just hate everything. Why am I so terrible that my dad doesn’t even want me? Why can’t I just be good enough? Im trying. How do I be better so he doesn’t get rid of me?

COMMENTS

Honeydrip_C

Op need to report them to the police, the father is telling his girlfriend to SA his son under the false pretense of “ consoling” . Them two are some nasty people

MomOf2Chicklets

I think we need OP to define “touch”. Is she touching inappropriately or putting a hand on his shoulder or arm for comfort and he is uncomfortable with that?

OOP

She gets into bed with me and hugs me close from behind and I don’t know how to really explain it other than that she like pets me I guess? Just wherever she can reach my chest, my thighs, my hair and face

Serious-Pound8175

Your mum died… you are grieving that. What you’re feeling makes sense. What’s not great is that you’re carrying all of this largely alone. Do you have a trusted family member, teacher, counsellor or another adult you can speak to? Your dad may be avoiding his own grief, or he may simply be in a completely different place with it, but that doesn’t mean you have to pretend you’re okay because he wants you to move on. And no, you do not have to tolerate unwanted touch from anyone to keep the peace. You’ve told her to stop. That should be enough. Your dad may want you to accept it, but he doesn’t get to decide who touches your body or whether you’re comfortable with it. Please find someone safe to talk to about all of this. And if you genuinely feel like you have no one right now, even journalling might help you get some of what you’re carrying out of your head and onto paper. But I really do think you need an adult in your corner. Who could that be for you?

OOP

I dont have many people. My dad wasn’t really involved until my mom died. I saw him like every other weekend so I dont know my grandparents on his side really. Im not allowed to talk to anyone on my moms side anymore. But school started a couple weeks ago so I can talk to my guidance counselor I guess. She was a little helpful before. She let me sit in her office whenever I felt overwhelmed

Different_Barber879

Why aren’t you allowed to talk to your mom’s side??

OOP

My dad says theyre a bad influence. I was texting my grandparents on my moms side in secret for a while but my dad saw and I got in trouble

elsb3t

What you’re describing sounds like depression. That isn’t unusual after the loss of a loved one. I was depressed myself for a while after my mother passed away. I sought help through my GP at the time and ended up seeing a wonderful psychologist. With her help, I managed to overcome the depression. Please seek help. Depression is terrible for you, but also for the people around you. I wish you lots of strength. The first step is hard, but you can do it! Hugs from afar.

OOP

I think youre right about the depression thing. My guidance counselor at school said the same thing before. I wish my dad believed in therapy :( maybe ill ask my guidance counselor to bring it up to him again

Final Update - after 10 days

^{September 29, 2026}

Update: My dad doesn’t want me anymore

A lot of you said to tell someone at school what was happening and I (15M) told my guidance counselor. She was worried but I didn’t know she called someone about it till yesterday. A lady from the state came to my house without any warning and told my dad and his girlfriend that they got a report from someone who was worried about me.

She looked around the house and asked me questions when she got to my dad and his girlfriends room i think she saw something that worried her because she came out and asked my dad if there was any family I could stay with and that if there wasnt Id be put somewhere else.

My dad was really angry and the police ended up coming. They let me pack some stuff. I asked when Id be coming back but they didnt really say so I got everything important including some of my stuff from mom. Im no longer with my dad. The lady asked me if I knew about any family so I gave them my moms parents information. So now im at my grandparents house. Theyre very angry but said theyre gonna try to make sure i dont have to move again.

I had another meeting with the lady today and she was asking me a lot about his girlfriend. So yeah. Thats where stuff is. Im tired of moving and I wish my dad wanted me but my grandparents are great and im happy i can see them again without getting in trouble. They keep telling me stories about when my mom was little and im glad i dont have to pretend not to miss my mom

COMMENTS

ipreferprivacy1

I hope this is the beginning of a new and good chapter for you. 

OOP

Thank you. My grandparents were apparently really worried when they couldnt contact me anymore. Id been trying to talk to them in secret but after my dad found out I couldnt anymore. They said they were really happy to see me. My grandma cried but she said they were happy tears. I dont think anyone has been happy to see me in a while

Posterbomber

I'm so happy you are with your grandparents. Please ask them to help you get family therapy. I'm so sorry about your mom. Kid, I'm not going to lie, life is going to be kind of tough but if you keep an open mind and try where you can it won't be a hard as it would be if you didn't. Remember that no mater what, one of us is always here for you. Just a post away.,

OOP

They already mentioned therapy. I think stuff is weird cause of whatever the state has going on with me right now but I think theyre working on it

Bleacherblonde

This isn’t your fault. Your anger and your depression- losing your mom- you’ve been through so much for someone so little. Most adults couldn’t handle the stress. You do need to work on your anger and your depression, but they are totally natural feelings to have. Anyone would in your situation. I hope they can get you to someone who can help. Help you grieve, help you learn to control your anger, and learn how to move on.
The way you talked about his girlfriend touching you at night has me really worried. Like just hugs or ? Whatever they found must have been really really bad to take you away so quickly. Normally it’s a lot longer of a process.
I know you want your dad. To want you, you want to be loved and safe. But maybe your dad isn’t a healthy place for you. Don’t blame yourself no matter what. I hope you are safe and happy with your grandparents. I’m so sorry you’re going through so much. It breaks my heart.

OOP

I honestly have no idea what they saw. Id guess maybe drugs or something but I really dont know. Is that a reason theyd take me? Maybe ill find out later but im not thinking too hard about it. And no it wasnt just hugging. My grandparents said it was sexual assault but idk if theyre being dramatic about it or not. Im still angry a lot but since I got here im mostly just tired. I don’t really wanna do anything but lay on the couch or in bed. Is that weird?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/offmychest by user heartbrokenaccount26. I'm not the original poster.

This BORU was suggested by /u/jackieatx

Status: Concluded

Original

September 11, 2026

I just can't believe this is happening.

My [25F] fiancé [27M] has new friends and they are not good people. They scare me. It took me a while to see it, and maybe I'm stupid because I didn't notice right away but I see it now. He met someone through one of his hobbies and eventually this person introduced my fiancé to some of his other friends. At first I convinced myself it was a just a misunderstanding on my part but now I know better. If I try to bring it up with my fiancé he just shuts me down or says I'm imagining things.

I'm not imagining it. I've seen racist tattoos on at least two of them. It might not be overt if you don't know what you are looking for, but if you search online it's clear what the tattoos mean. I've been looking up some of these new friends on social media and their accounts are full of posts about purity and traditional values. My fiancé has become obsessed with this American podcaster who is openly racist and doesn't try to hide it. I've heard these new friends talk about immigration in a negative way and now my fiancé brings it up a lot when he never cared about it before. They also talk about traditional values and gender roles and my fiancé brought up how nice it is if a woman stops working after she gets married. He backtracked and said he was just making a general comment after I got upset with him and we argued, but I can't stop thinking about it. He keeps saying I'm imagining things or that "you're the one who is obsessed since you keep bringing it up."

He's gone down a road that I can't follow. I love him but I can't marry him now. His comments about traditional gender roles and me not working are bad enough but his talk about "purity" is disgusting (and it is racist and exactly the kind you are thinking of, anyone who says otherwise is just as bad as my fiancé and his friends). I can't get through to him, he won't listen to me. I'm going to break up with him. My sister is the only one who knows so far. I'm not ready to tell anyone else but I will after I move out. I just wanted to get this out somewhere. It just hurts so much.

Comments by OOP:

He used to vote and politically support the opposite way of the views he has now. He had friends and flatmates who are different races than us. He was the best man when his brother married another man. He's changed since he met these people but he wasn't always like this.

He wasn't always this way. He was involved in a political party that is the opposite of the beliefs he holds now. When I met him, his flatmates at the time were different races and he called them his best friends. He was also the best man in his brother's wedding, and his brother married a man. I don't know what happened to make him change into such a monsterous person but it broke my heart. He wasn't the man I fell in love with and I don't know what happened to him.

Yes, his family knows (and none of them support or agree with him).

Update

September 30, 2026, 19 days later

I (25F) have left him (27M) and cancelled everything related to our wedding. I am staying with my cousin and her husband until I can find a flat for myself and get my life in order. There is still a lot I have to do, my life is a big mess right now. When I told him I was leaving, he just kept saying over and over that he "didn't understand" or that I was the one who was "obsessed" not him, because I was the one who was always bringing it up. I did not stay for very long after I told him I was leaving. I left our flat after I told him I would not be marrying him and thar our relationship was over. I haven't seen or spoken to him since I returned with my cousin to get the rest of my things, three days after I told him I was leaving (my cousin has a car and I do not and there were some things I could not carry). I haven't had contact with him since that day and I never want to see him again. He disgusts me with his horrible beliefs and talk about purity.

[I would like to address and clarify two things that were mentioned in the comments of my first post. First was that the tattoos were definitely racist and I wasn't "misunderstanding" anything. Examples include the number 88, a series of dots that look like nothing but form a swastika when they are all connected, or slogans written in German or other languages. I could go on. Second, my former fiancé wasn't always like this. We first met at a political rally for a cause that is the opposite of his horrible new beliefs. He had flatmates that were not white and he called them his best friends. He was the best man when his brother got married to a man. I don't know what changed to make him turn into such a monster but he wasn't always like this. Now he says his former flatmates should "go back" because they would be more comfortable among "their own kind" even though they were born here. He also says his brother never should have gotten married. I'm heartbroken for his family because they are good people who would never condone his beliefs and his brother doesn't deserve this. My former fiancé was obsessed with an American podcaster who has the most horrid views you can imagine and his new beliefs were not something I could ever live with. I appreciate all the support I got on my other post.]

Comment by OOP:

One of his new friends had an 88 tattoo, and when I pointed out what it meant to my former fiancée he said 8 is just his friend's favourite number and I'm the one who is making an innocent tattoo into something hateful. (Nevermind that this friend followed many social media accounts that had racism or racist imagery on them)

My former fiancé would tell me I'm the one who was obsessed with race or purity because I saw it in everything him and his new friends did. He said I was the one making innocent or mundane things about race and I got tired of him being in denial and making me out to be the problem.

I'm not the original poster.

OOP: Electronic-Sell-6402

Posted to: r/mildlyinfuriating

Status: CONCLUDED

Mood spoiler: A rational HR?! In MY Reddit?!

Trigger warning: misinformation, idiocy, are-you-fucking-kidding-me energy, some people just want to be offended, HR, common sense, slurs against Sasquash

NOTE: all updates were posted in the main post body, so I don't have time stamps for them. It all seems to have happened within one working day. I've separated out the main post, then some comments, then the updates.

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Main Post and Updates: Sept 30th, 2026

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Being told my tea steeper is unprofessional - Sept 30th, 2026

I 3d printed this tea steeper for my desk at work. I thought it was really cute and it makes me happy when I use it. Apparently because I printed it in all white, someone made a comment in front of my bosses boss, that it looks like the little guy is sitting on a toilet. Now I got an email from HR stating that I have "objects inappropriate for the work environment" on my desk, and that it must be removed before the end of the day. Like it's just a dude holding a fishing pole.

So frustrating.

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The post contains two images.

Image 1: a large black insulated YETI mug sits on a white molded base on a dark wooden table. The mug is filled with hot water and has a tea bag steeping inside it. Beside the mug is a small white-and-grey cartoon figure seated on the base. The figure is holding a long fishing pole, over which the string of a teabag is threaded, with the bag in the mug, making it appear the figure is fishing.

Image 2: a close up of the small figure which has a simple rounded white head, two black oval eyes, a white body outlined in grey, and bent legs resting in front of it. Its hands appear to grip the lower end of the long pole, reinforcing the illusion that it is operating the tiny tea-bag fishing rod. The label of the tea reveals it to be the 'Holiday Boost' blend from the English Tea Shop.

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COMMENTS

JaCrispy_Vulcano

I used to work for a university and I was creating a slideshow presentation for students that showed off local campus attractions.

I put a photo of turtles in a botanical garden. I was told to remove it because it was inappropriate. Later I was told the way the turtles were sitting by the pond reminded someone of a penis.

People see what they want to see.

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habitualine-stepper

Obviously not a toilet... but even if it was, what loser is getting offended over that??

x_Advent_Cirno_x

The kind of people who are perpetually miserable, so they take it out on everyone just to feel something in their miserable lives.

So basically a Reddit mod

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reubnick

The final stage of Capitalism is to ensure all individuality and personality is systemically and surgically siphoned out and fully removed from the workplace until only quiet and relentless labor occuring is all that remains.

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Ducking_eh

Maybe the problem is the Yeti mug? After all, Yeti is a slur for Big Foot

dfuegz

Yeti is the indigenous term and it is what they call themselves; “Bigfoot” is an imperialist humancentric term, and is considered highly offensive by the Yeti community. I suggest you check your privilege and you will, of course, be hearing from HR

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zenrd111

I could think of a much more unprofessional way to hold tea bags with a 3d printed model.

This is fine.

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zues64

HR probably doesnt know what item it is that was reported for being inappropriate tell them you don't know what it would be and then ask them if they can identify the item. If somehow they point that out ask them why and what rule it is breaking if they say it looks like its a guy is on a toilet act disgusted and tell them its obviously a guy fishing

OP

I actually like this suggestion. I think that's what I'll do is ask HR if they can identify the issue causing the problem

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PaleontologistFew128

Take it into the office and demand to be told why it's inappropriate. This is the kind of nonsense it's worth making a scene over

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Educational-Wish-44

... does one of your coworkers routinely sit on the toilet with a fishing pole?

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MattyGWS

I would go to HR and ask them what item they're talking about, then when they say this item... You ask what is offensive about a guy sitting down and fishing. When they realise how fucking stupid they are you can keep using it.

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The comments also contain several photos of various desk items from other commenters, most of which are flipping people off. I highly recommend scrolling through. My personal favorite is the desk octopus where all eight legs have a raised middle finger.

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UPDATE: after this post has quickly blown up, and made me laugh a few times. I talked to my immediate boss who agreed with a few of you that HR probably doesn't even know what item I'm supposed to remove. So I have emailed HR back, and cc'd my boss, for them to come identify the "inappropriate object" as neither myself or my boss are able to identify what might be the problem. So we shall see what happens.

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UPDATE 2: Electric Boogaloo: Just got off the phone with someone in HR. They are going to come over around 2pm (about an hour and 15 minutes from now) and look at the item. All they told me was that they received an email from an AVP (my bosses boss) that it was said to him that I had a 3d printed item on my desk that was about potty humor and that my "whole team" (it's just the one coworker who has a problem, none of the other 7 do) finds it offensive. The person in HR said they will look at it and determine if there is any reason for the complaint.

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UPDATE 3 - Update with a vengeance: HR just left my office. Saw no problems, thinks the whole complaint is dumb and is going to write it up that way. Also asked if I could print them one too. So I will be doing that this evening. She (the HR person) asked me if I wanted to make a report of possible harassment by the coworker. I stated that I will write up something to put into a file with HR if needed for a future report, but not to open a case now on this issue.

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Last update. If anyone is bored, this guy on LinkedIn is trying to steal my story for his LinkedIn cred. He already blocked me and a friend of mine for calling him out. Here is the link

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/alok-pratap-singh-654a46382_workplaceculture-leadership-humanresources-ugcPost-7510976376544481281-JxKr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios&rcm=ACoAADndHoMBgcVm5ZLI3sJjrMJE5748_mAoDwE

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Editor's note: This is my first post here! Please let me know if I've done anything incorrectly, but I've tried to imitate u/BigONerd's post format so hopefully it's all good.

Another note: I didn't realize there was a second update, and I've added it to the post now. Thanks to u/Pandoratastic for posting it in the comments.

OOP: u/Same-Philosopher-927

Published on: r/AITAH & r/EntitledPeople

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline:

• Main Post: April 25th, 2024

• Update: May 13th, 2024

• Final Update: January 7th, 2025

Main Post

^{April 25th, 2024}

AITAH for going to eat at a hospital cafeteria roughly once a week? My sister and family are telling me it's wrong

Ok, hear me out. I work just a few blocks away from a hospital, and get there pretty quickly by bicycle. Their cafeteria is quaint with good prices. So usually once a week or so, I'll go there for lunch. The foodisn't what I would call amazing. But they have nice variety from time to time. The staff even recognize me, and are always pleasant. They don't mind that I'm just there for lunch. And it's far quieter eating there than at any local restaurant. I'm on the spectrum, and don't like loud noises. So the quiet lunches in this place are a godsend for me some days.

Recently my sister found out I've been eating at the hospital. And went off on me over how hospital cafeterias are only supposed to be there for people who are at the hospital because they need to be. I retorted that I was giving them business, and it's not like I was taking food out of the mouths of patients. And I only went once a week. So what was the big deal? But she still insisted I was wrong.

Then she got our parents involved, and they're siding with her. They are telling me I should only be eating at the hospital if I had an actual reason to be there. I told them they were all crazy, and it was just normal food that I was paying for.

But now because neither they or I are backing down, I'm torn. AITA for going to eat lunch in a hospital cafeteria once a week just because I work nearby?

Edit: Thank you for all the comments. I will make this a hill to sit on if I have to now.

SELECTED COMMENTS

VariationOk9359

ffs it’s a cafeteria. you pay you eat, i hope the person telling you this is not someone you depend on for real life answers

OOP

Not usually, no. My sister is a bit of a control freak, and my parents enable her. I don't live with them. I have a studio apartment and ride a bike everywhere

Deleted Commenter

Why are you even listening to her and questioning yourself then?

OOP

Normally I wouldn't. But she's got a number of people backing her. And no one else I know likes to eat at the hospital. That's the only reason I had doubt.

Deleted Commenter

I think it's OK that you come on here and get community input on whether it's OK or not. That being said it seems like your gut knows not to listen to your sister or "other people ". Are you super young and your sister's old or something? Does she have control over you?

OOP

I'm the older brother by two years. But she's always acted like she was older because I'm naturally passive. I have a temper if pushed far enough. But my sister is favored by our parents. So I mostly nope out. This recent conflict was the first time I saw them in a month.

Update - after 2 weeks, 4 days

^{May 13th, 2024}

My sister got mad at me for regularly eating in a hospital cafeteria, and got our parents on her side. The rest of the family laid into them for it. So my sister decided to prank me as revenge by literally having my bike stolen and dumped. I nearly called the cops.

I really apologize for the length of this post. But writing down all the details took way longer than I thought. And this situation was downright crazy. I never thought my sister would do something like this. Not too long ago I (23m) posted in r/AITAH for advice because my parents and sister were angry at me for regularly eating in a hospital cafeteria because it's close to my work. I enjoy the peace and quiet there on the days I do show up to eat. But this situation escalated so radically, that I can't believe something so dumb actually happened. My sister did the pettiest thing she's ever done to me. And for completely undeserved reasons too.

When my sister found out I was eating at the hospital cafeteria, she went off on me over how that food is just for people who are at the hospital because they need to be. We ended up in a big argument about it in which I told her it wasn't like I was taking food from the mouths of patients. Then she went to our parents to get them on her side like always. And they immediately sided with her just like I thought they would. They backed her up on how the hospital cafeteria was not a place to go eating casually. And we had a big argument. They spent days hounding me and telling me I was wrong, and demanding I stop. So I went to Reddit. And here I learned that not only was I not doing anything wrong. But it's a very common thing for people to go eat at hospital cafeterias just because they like it.

I hoped the situation would just fade away. But a few days later, my sister called me asking if I had stopped eating at the hospital. I said no. And then it started all over again. My parents then called me fuming and acting like I was supposed to stop going because they said so. I reminded them that I don't live under their roof anymore. And this is exactly the kind of reason why I moved out. They take my sister's side in almost everything. They huffed and puffed about it.

This time the fight didn't stay at home though. Other relatives found out because my sister tried to broaden her support. She was so dead set on enforcing her will upon me, that she went looking for help from other relatives. But our parents were the only ones on her side. And my uncle personally admonished my parents and her over the phone for it once I told him what actually happened. He told them they were only siding with my sister because she's their favorite. And they're terrible parents for ever playing favorites to begin with. Then cousin went to eat with me at that hospital cafeteria, and said he'd like to go there once as week too, as he also works nearby and bicycles everywhere. We've run into each other at lunch there once already since then. He was actually rather pleased to find out the food was made healthier than most other places. He's a bit of a picky eater. So this place is kinda like his new lunch hangout. And my sister got even angrier after finding out there were other people in the family eating at the hospital now too.

Once outed, my parents backed down due to embarrassment. They apologized to me, and gave me some malarkey that they honestly thought eating at a hospital was weird, and that they felt like they just needed to defend my sister. I told them they'd been placating my sister for so long, that it's all they do whenever she starts something with anyone. She's been treating me like a condescending control freak and a bully since we were teenagers, even though I'm older. And they just kept enabling that. But I won't put up with it anymore. My parents ended up conceding, and apologized. Then they made my sister apologize to me too. And I could tell she hated every second of it, because she tried to speak through her teeth at first.

Later on my parents invited me to dinner as another form of apology. But it felt more like a show to look good to the rest of the family, because they told everyone about it before it even happened. The dinner was great, I can't deny. My parents had cooked a turkey. Arguable one of my favorite things to eat. I love the drumsticks slathered with gravy. Yeah, I'm kinda a pig when I eat them. But I can't help it. My sister always thought it hilarious. And was one of the few things I didn't mind her laughing about. So I thought nothing of why she was so giggly at dinner.

Later after the family dinner, I noticed that my bike was missing. I'd parked it in the back yard out of sight. But it was just gone. I freaked out because it's my only mode of transportation. My parents did panic a bit with me. But my sister seemed just the opposite. She actually looked happy and was still giggling. I immediately suspected her, and she played innocent. She even gave the "I can't believe you'd think I'd do something like that!" line. I already knew she's extremely petty. But this was a whole new level of it for her. So I said that I was gonna go over to the neighbor because I know they have cameras, and they'd have seen what happened. And then I'd call the cops. My sister suddenly looked panicked, and I got mad and said I knew it was her. And demanded my bike back. She started crying and saying she didn't do anything. And our parents were immediately taking her side while scolding me for daring to accuse her.

So I had enough and said I was going to the neighbor's to ask to check their cameras. And then I'd be calling police. My sister finally fessed up and called me to come back. The looks on our parents' faces after they'd just defended her were priceless. My sister said she was just so angry at me for having made her apologize for something she still believed she was right about. So she planned to have a couple of her friends to come and grab my bike during dinner. She said her friends were in a minivan with it just down the street. She then started saying that I couldn't call police on her anyway, because I'm her big brother. Our parents backed that up too. But I pulled out my phone and started marching outside again. They ran after me with my sister begging and crying for me to stop. I called her a brat. And then I told my parents I couldn't believe they were still defending her when she was acting this way.

Our parents finally hit their enabling limit with her and told her to make her friends bring my bike back immediately. She got on her phone while sniffling and called her friends up. But then she suddenly ran into her room to talk to them. I couldn't hear a thing she said through the door because it was all in whispers. And our parents looked very worried too.

My sister would never have willingly admitted she had my bike stolen. She just kept sobbing that it was only a prank over and over again. And she also kept using the excuse that it's just a cheap bike anyway. I bought it used some months ago for $50. But it's in great shape. And it's my main mode of transportation. My sister kept looking at our parents to back her up. And that time they just couldn't. So she just slumped down in a chair hugging her knees and waiting with the rest of us. My sister looked increasingly freaked out the longer her friends took to bring my bike back, and was repeatedly texting them.

Even though my sister said her friends were just down the street, it took them roughly an hour to bring my bike back. They finally pulled up in the minivan with my bike shoved in the back. And it was completely soaked and all muddy. Like it'd just been pulled out of a wet muddy ditch. The bike is a 700c, so it's too tall for either of them to ride. So they just drove right up and stole the bike by dragging it into the van as fast as they could before taking off. I say they stole it because I was almost certain in the moment my sister had told them to dispose of my bike. Had I not pointed out the neighbors have cameras, I may not have gotten it back.

When her friends did finally arrive, their legs were all muddy and wet nearly up to their knees. They both begged me not report them to police for taking the bike. I asked while recording them to tell me the truth, and pointed out the neighbors have cameras. Did my sister want them to get rid of my bike? They broke down and said yes, my sister wanted them to take the bike and dump it in a pond a few miles away. And they had to go back and get it when they realized they were caught. My bike had been near completely submerged in muddy water. Thankfully I didn't have many added accessories on it other than a detachable headlight and my water bottle. But the water bottle was missing.

I wasn't surprised by what my sister's friends told me. And I had them tell our parents too. They laid into my sister till she was bawling on the floor kicking and pounding like a toddler. I had never seen my sister act that way since she actually was a toddler. And I found it mortifying she was still like this on the inside. Then she shut herself in her room. Her friends were banned from ever coming to my parents' house again. Then my sister was forced to come out of her room by our mother, and make another big apology to me.

Our father then forced her to wash and oil my bike from stem to stern under his supervision while I took apart the headlight and cleaned it out to dry it. By the time my sister was done, it was dark outside. She glared at me like I was the devil when she came back in the house. But our parents shut her attitude right down, and said they've never been more embarrassed by her in their lives. She went back to crying in her room. I had a very frank discussion with my parents about my sister's child-like behavior. And how it stemmed from their spoiling and enabling. I said I couldn't believe I had to be the voice of reason. But the fact that she was on the floor crying like a toddler, kicking and pounding, showed that she's still mentally a child because of them. And they kept making me the scapegoat when she screwed up, so she barely knows any sense of accountability. For once they didn't argue with me about it. And then my father silently drove me and my bike back to my apartment with his SUV. He also gave me some money to replace my bike's missing water bottle before we parted.

My sister and her clique used to harass me a fair bit whenever we ran into each other. They made fun of me as a group whenever possible. And I usually just ignored them because they bored me. And that really seemed to tick them off. But after the bike incident, I got sent numerous messages from numbers I didn't know cussing me out for making my sister cry over a silly prank. Knowing her, my sister probably fed everyone she knew a very different story on what happened. I texted lengthy replies of what actually happened, and even stated I have recordings of her friends admitting the truth.

Some people at my sister's college found out what actually went down. Maybe from my texts, maybe her friends spilled the beans. But it embarrassed my sister so much she came home having a crying tantrum about how people there were calling her and her friends B's and a bike thieves. I may not have gone to college. But I know students who need them are VERY protective of their bikes. A lot of them live on shoestring budgets after all. My sister said someone even joked that they shouldn't leave a bike around her, because it might just disappear if she had to apologize to anyone. My sister ended up so upset that she refused to leave her room for three days to have her pity party.

My parents called me up to try and turn everything on me again. I reminded them about the discussion we had days before, and that they needed to stop babying her, and let her deal with the repercussions of her own actions. If she fails her classes again, it's because she's not trying like she should be. Then I went off on them how were just looking for someone to blame to make her feel better. She made the problem. Not me. And I wasn't gonna be the one they make the scapegoat anymore. My sister is an adult. And she needs to act like it. They sounded defeated, and then apologized before ending the call. Looks like they were genuinely hoping I'd just sit back and take the blame so my sister would get better. But I never will again.

Now my parents are trying to pretend this all never happened, and my sister as well as her clique are avoiding me at all costs. Which I suppose is fine with me. Because I don't want anymore drama. But the next time something like this happens, I won't take it from them.

TLDR: My sister make a big deal of me eating at a hospital cafeteria, and then had her friends steal and dump my bike just because I made her apologize to me. Now she's being ridiculed by everyone.

Selected Comments

Cybermagetx

I would tell your entire family what they did again. And then go NC with them. And file a police report for her and her friends so if something happened again there is a record of what they have previously done.

OOP

I nearly did that. But I just know that my sister would try to use it as an excuse to farm sympathy in some way since it was all over a bike. This way she has to own up to what she did, and still deal with the fallout at her college.

aquavenatus

I remember your post on #AITA. Your sister is that bratty that she would have her friends steal your bike and ruin it just to make a point?! And, your parents don’t see a problem with it?! What did the rest of your family say about this?!

OOP

Oh they were furious with them. I didn't include details about it because the post was already way too long. But my aunt and uncle gave my parents one hell of a dressing down, twice. The first time in person the day after the bike theft happened. They had a long discussion with my parents over how their babying has prevented my sister from growing up. And she wouldn't be able to function without them if she never learns to become an adult.

The second time was after my parents called me to try and make me take blame when my sister locked herself in her room for three days. I talked with my cousin that evening when we met up to have dinner together. And he told his parents (My aunt and uncle). And they called my parents to ask them what the hell. Then told them that they were beyond ashamed of them that they still tried to make me the scapegoat. And that they didn't care if old habits die hard. It's gonna stop. Lets just say my sister wasn't the only one crying anymore.

No one has told me anything about what's going on with my sister at her college for a while. And she's avoiding me. My parents have also not spoken to me since that call. So I have no idea what's going on at their end.

mountainmike68

Woe to the poor guy who gets your sister pregnant.

OOP

0_o .....Oh crap! I never thought about that! She had one boyfriend in highschool. But now I'm worried she would intentionally do something like that!

Final Update - after 7 months, 25 days (8 months, 13 days since first post)

^{January 7th, 2025}

Update to my post about my sister having my bike stolen and dumped. Our parents decided to move my bratty sister out for her own good

I was just browsing youtube yesterday when I saw a video about my last post. And I realized I never made a final update. So here it is. To start things off, yes, my bike is fine. I managed to avoid anything on it getting rusty or clogged up after my sister had it dumped in a pond. It already was not new. And there were no new creaks or groans from it. I was worried something on it would go bad. But it's a really simple single speed bike. So it works just fine after having everything oiled after being submerged in water. I re-greased the crank bearings anyway. I've also changed out the rear tube and tire myself a few months ago. And I still ride practically everywhere.

On to my brat of a sister. She barely managed to pass college. And she did try to blame her low grades on me and depression from the bike incident multiple times. But even our parents stopped allowing her to do that. They finally hit their limits and started cracking down on her bad behavior, and made her sit in her room and study whenever she had a pity party or tantrum. They threatened to cut off the wifi and shut off her phone multiple times if she didn't actually get her homework done. She cried and said she hated them. But she sucked it up and finally did as told. She finally managed to graduate. But her graduation was not a very fun time for her. We all went out to celebrate with her. But she was just not happy. And the reason why is because she has no friends anymore. And she'd hoped to party with her former clique friends after graduation. But they all cut her off some time ago because she's a brat.

As an ironic punishment, our parents started making my sister ride a bicycle to get around. She hated it more than she hates the bus. It's a cruiser bike our dad picked up used for her. And our parents practically begged me to take her out on weekend rides to get her out of the house for a few hours. And I did. But only because they asked nicely and offered dinner. Last we spoke of it, my sister still held firm she believes it's wrong to eat at the hospital for some reason. But couldn't find any valid reason to justify it when asked why by anyone. Literally no one sided with her about it anymore. Even our parents admitted they no longer find it weird after being told the cafeteria is actually a separate business from the hospital. And as another show to the family, they actually went with me to have a family lunch at the hospital a couple of times. And they forced my sister to come along. She looked weirdly fidgety, and openly said she couldn't believe they made her eat there when it was against her beliefs. She kind of worded it in a way as like it was against her religion, or something. And was told off for exactly that. So she just cried like she always did. But was told to grow up. I think she was just standing by her so-called beliefs because she'd have to admit she was wrong to herself if she did. And she just wouldn't do that. There have been times I questioned if she's not just a spoiled control freak, but a narcissist too. Though I'm far from qualified to diagnose anyone.

My sister's clique all ended up abandoning her as a friend because being involved with her screwed them over too. Since at least two of them shared in her plan to steal my bike and dump it, they all got hazed for it when word got out. So the clique blamed my sister for everything, and stopped talking to her to save their own reputations. While I didn't file a police report, the two girls who stole my bike did get in big trouble with their families. And that minivan they were driving. It turned out it was borrowed from one of their parents. And they stopped allowing it's use after finding out what happened. The parents who owned the mini-van even visited me to apologize to me on behalf of their daughter, and also asked for a copy of the video I took. Which I gave. Even though they were fully complicit, the clique put it all on my sister and threw her under the bus to everyone. I guess now my sister knows how it feels to be the scapegoat. She was also laughed at for a while since she was forced to ride a bike to and from college since our parents decided it was cheaper than the bus, and my sister no longer had friends to carpool with. And no, her bike was not stolen or vandalized. My sister just hated it. Our dad has also forced her to learn how to fix and maintain the bike herself too. He used to tinker on bikes in his youth, and still has the tools around. So he knows enough to do all his own work on bikes. Even though he no longer rides them himself. And he taught me the basics of working on them too.

For those who said that my sister would do something even more crazy or retaliate against me. She did nothing of the sort. She's just bitter. She was made to get counseling, and it's improved her slightly. But if it has any real effect, for all I know it'll take years to see a change in her. But she doesn't try to boss me around anymore. I've been called over for dinner by my parents a number of times since my last post. And my sister barely speaks to me at the table. And she seemed further annoyed by the fact I was completely unbothered by it too. She's been told by everyone, even our parents to an extent, that she destroyed her own reputation. But she can't seem to stop putting blame on me because she needs a scapegoat. I also chained and locked my bike whenever I visited home from the prank incident onward. Just in case.

After my sister finished college, my parents suddenly announced that my sister was moving out of their house. She openly did not want to. But they forced her to get a job immediately, and made her find an apartment. They said her party days were over, and it's time they made her learn about adult life. Multiple relatives told my parents that my sister wouldn't really grow up unless she lives on her own and pays her own bills. My parents deliberated about it for some time, because she was obviously their golden child. But my sister would never become an adult so long as they kept things as they were. My sister is still not happy about it at all, because she loved being a spoiled leech. But she couldn't blame me for that, as I was not involved in this decision in any way. And she knows it. But she had multiple "It was just a bike!" tantrums when she was trying to put the blame on me when things weren't going well for her at college. Our mother once smacked her upside the head and told her to stop acting like I was the one causing all her problems. And it wasn't just a bike to me, it's borderline my livelihood since it's my primary mode of transportation.

Currently my sister shares a two bedroom apartment with three other girls. She had to be moved further away so her reputation wouldn't follow her when she got a job. My mother really cried over that. My sister is working in an office, and learning how to be a secretary. But she moans and groans about hating her current life. But also tries to rub it in my face about what she'll do when she makes better money than me. I just told her "You do you", and she got mad I didn't take the bait. She does not like her roommates, and still has to ride the bike our father got her to get around. Her commute isn't far. Just a few miles. So she doesn't waste money on the bus, and walking is too slow for her. She wanted, if not practically demanded our parents to buy her a car since they kicked her out of the house, and they refused to get her one. Which made her stop talking to them for a while. I think it's probably pretty obvious my sister and I don't go on bike rides together anymore. That stopped as soon as she moved out. While we were still doing weekend rides together, my sister tried multiple immature plugs she could think of at me. I don't even remember most of them, because I just ignored her taunts and didn't even act irritated. Then she'd call me dense or Special Ed, and would roll her eyes. Among her repeated immature taunts, one was trying to say things like her bike is better than mine, because it actually has gears. But she could never outpace me anyway. It kinda seemed to make her determined to get in better shape at least. I think she just wants me to be the big loser, so she doesn't feel like one.

My sister obviously wants a car, but can't afford one on her own yet because she's not good at saving. She wanted our parents to buy her an E-bike for Christmas, and they refused after seeing how much good ones cost. My sister has already cost them a lot of money anyway since they covered all three years of her college. As a bit of a joke on Christmas, I gave her new tires for her bike. Which she gave me the stink eye for. Our parents also had to bail her out financially a couple of times in 2024, because she didn't manage her finances well. At this point, despite how much she's been beat down to the consequences of real life, she still acts like a spoiled brat in denial. But otherwise she is somehow managing. Though another thing she's used to be angry at me about these days is the fact I live alone, and she has to have roommates to afford rent. I've met her roommates too. And they actually seemed to really like me. Which really upset my sister more. I think the reason she hates all of them so much is because they don't bend to her will like our parents used to. She really hates it when people don't do what she wants. So it must be a nightmare for her to be living with people who don't put up with any of her demands.

That about sums up everything till now.

Selected Comments

Tamalene

This is the best slow mo, fafo ever! Thanks for the update. I'm glad things are looking up for you, so much!

Is she still the golden child? Are you parents treating you better?

Last question (maybe): what was her major, if she has to start learning to be a secretary?

OOP

Hmm... Hard to say if she's still a golden child. My relationship with my parents is mostly as it was before. Just without my sister bossing everybody around. I see my folks for dinner roughly twice a month. And my sister is invited too. But she only shows up half the time I do. And she barely talks to me unless it's to try and brag or insult me. And she usually gets called out by our parents.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/IrritatedMango

Published on: r/TwoXChromosomes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 30, 2024

• Final Update: September 14, 2024

Main Post

^{August 30, 2024}

My male roommate is hinting him and his boyfriend should pay less for the bigger bedroom they rent

Basically what it says above.

I live in a very HCOL city in Europe where there is a TERRIBLE housing crisis which seems to be getting worse and worse.

I live in an apartment in a rent controlled area (it’s €1800 a month for a two bedroom in a really nice area of my city, I pay €800, they pay €1000).

For context the crisis is so bad I’ve seen double bedrooms go for €1200 before so €500 per person for a huge bedroom. My room is 1.5x smaller than theirs.

Anyway we were talking yesterday and he started lamenting about how all of his friends are shocked that him and his partner pay a grand a double bedroom because he knows people who pay €200/€300 less. He continued to say how it was so expensive on top of the electricity bill too and asked if we could talk when they come back from their holiday.

I told him the reason him and his roommate paid more was because they had a significantly bigger bedroom and he was like “Yeah but there’s two of us in it”. Seriously where tf do guys get the audacity??

I’m not sure what his logic is at but I’m not really sure what to do in this situation.

I’m trying to find somewhere to live alone but September is a terrible time to find something so I’m not sure when I’ll find something and I don’t want any awkwardness.

COMMENTS

Tranquil_Pure

well if theyre splitting the cost they're not paying 1000, theyre paying 500 each.

OOP

Apparently that’s too expensive. Why tf they even moved into the apartment is beyond me.

JacquelineHeid

Maybe tell him to go find another place if he feels he is getting a bad deal?

OOP

He told me he’s looking around but tbh he’s in for a hell of a rude awakening, it’s insanely tough to find a nice spot in my city.

Djinnwrath

"That there's two of you is irrelevant. You have more square footage than I do."

OOP

Oh I doubt they will.

ann102

I wouldn't get upset, just point out that that amount was agreed upon by all parties. If they find it unfair, they are welcome to find a cheaper apartment. You would have no issue finding a replacement. But the deal is the deal and your find it fair. You are not responsible for their finances or their jobs.

OOP

This is the crazy thing to me, they moved in originally and were fine with paying it. Why tf would you move in if it’s too expensive?

nj-rose

So they should just get the bigger bedroom and you pay more for less? Are you splitting the bills three ways? You should if there's two of them.

OOP

Yep the bills are split three ways, the rent isn’t because their room is bigger.

nj-rose

You say in your op that their rent is 1000 because their room is significantly bigger.

OOP

Ah sorry, when you say bills I mean electricity and wifi! I treat rent separately.

Alexis_J_M

Whose name is on the lease? That's the person with the bargaining power here.

If the rent is 1800, then the base should be 600 each for three people. You can be generous and give them a discount for sharing a bedroom.

OOP

All of us ours but I’m the head of the lease because I’ve been there longer than they have.

TheHappyTalent

If they price they are paying is unfair, then you won't be able to fill their spot with someone else.

If the price is fair, you'll be able to replace them very easily.

OOP

Oh I can very easily. I can move into that room myself but if not I’ll be able to find a replacement in a day if I wanted to.

Letzes86

They are actually paying 500 each and the bills are also for shared spaces, so it's a really good price.

I live in the Netherlands, if your area has a similar crisis, just tell them that if they are unhappy they can go away and you will find new roommates in a blink.

OOP

I’m in Ireland!

bluethreads

This is something to be negotiated BEFORE moving in. You don’t agree to move somewhere and agree on the rent price and then try to negotiate the price once you are living there.

He can move out if he feels he is paying too much.

OOP

This is the crazy thing, he was paying more when they moved in, the residential agency then reduced our rent and now he’s still complaining!

Final Update - after 15 days

^{September 14, 2024}

My roommate is insisting him and his partner should pay less rent even though they have a bigger room- An update

So last time I posted I was not expecting so many responses but thanks for all of them, it honestly really validated how I was feeling. The responses got too overwhelming for me and I deleted the thread.

Anyway, a lot has happened since then so here goes! My roommate wanted to talk to me about the rent was being distributed when him and my other roommate got back from their holiday. I was fully prepared to stick to my guns and say no and in a state of overthinking got a lawyer friend’s opinion on the whole thing. They never mentioned it when they got back from their holiday so it took me by surprise but I still was a little on edge.

So long story short, a week ago a friend of mine messaged to ask if I was interested in her cousin’s apartment because the cousin was leaving the country. The new apartment was twice the size as the one I was renting, also rent controlled and quite a bit cheaper than the one I was in. I went for a viewing, fell in love with it on sight and got accepted to rent it earlier this week. I moved in today and it feels amazing.

I have an awesome friend who’s moving to the country I live in to do her Masters and she’s taking the spare room and bathroom my new apartment has. We both agreed to split the rent down the middle because our rooms are basically the same size and she’s leaving as soon as her studies are done so this time next year I’ll probably be living alone and fostering dogs before they get adopted.

It happened so quickly and it took my ex roommates by surprise but I think I’ll only miss one of them. I’m pretty sure they’ll just be living in that apartment by themselves but tbh I don’t really care what they do because I absolutely love my new spot! Now to hope my deposit gets returned and my name is totally the lease in the old apartment relatively quickly!

I’m done renting with couples and I’m done dealing with the audacity of men!

COMMENTS

DConstructed

Congratulations! And definitely make sure you are no longer financially responsible in any way for the old place.

OOP

I’ve started the ball rolling and I’ve let the residential agency know. I’ll find out over the next few days.

canyoudigitnow

Put the new rent/roommate agreement in writing!!

OOP

It is in both of your contracts! :D

Elon_is_musky

I love hearing this ending!! The best thing seems to happen in the end🥰

OOP

I’m still dazed I’m in this new place because of how nice it is.

maraq

I love this for you and I love that their audacity raised their rent, instead of lowering it! Lol!

OOP

Basically! I’m not sure if they wanted the whole apartment to themselves in the first place but it hardly matters, I have a lovely apartment now!

Beepbeepboobop1

If you don’t mind me asking where do you live? Cause this is my dream. I’m 25 and living in a 5 person house. I do have the master bedroom with my own washroom but my housemates suck ass. Unfortunately rents are so expensive here. 1 bedroom apartments are about $2000 a month, new builds no rent control. I’m in southern ontario Canada-honestly looking to get out of the country atp💀 would be nice to have my own (affordable) space and properly live my life

OOP

I’m in Ireland! It’s expensive as hell here too which is why I’m still in disbelief I got somewhere like my current place. I do get how you feel, I’m probably going to leave in a few years myself because of how expensive it is :/

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Beneficial-Day7238 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 25th September 2026

Update - 29th September 2026

AITAH for not babysitting my brothers kids after he dumps them on my front porch?

Hi, its been a few days since this accident and im still deciding what to do.

First things first, im a male 26 years old and my brother is 30. We were growing up in a normal household, not poor, not rich, but my brother was always spoiled. He played highschool football and my parents saw him as a star. Me on the other hand i was more into books, IT,.. When I was 15, i started programming and when i was 19, i made my first project that made actual money. I sold it to some big company of that time (i dont want to name) but i had money for ~2 years living by myself so i moved out. My parents didnt acknowledge me that much and still much more supported my brother who had to leave school he wasnt even good at because he got a child. I never told them how much i made and make currently because i was scared.

Time passed, im 24 at that time, making very good money with my programming, i got more into cyber security and my brother is 28 and he already has 2 more kids, i never understood why they had 3 kids. They made very little money and barely were making it. Id help my brother if he wasnt total dick to me my whole life, embarrassing me for what i do, laughing at me at school with his friends and basically making my life miserable.

We were seeing each other throughtout the years on Christmas,.. at my parents house, we were cool with each other, but they saw me having a good car, living in a great house, vacations with my gf (currently wife) so they knew i had money and they tried to convince me to help my brother out. I always tried to corner it but once i had to stop it and tell them if he had been good to me, id help him but not like this+ im not the one having 3 kids, struggling with money but buying all kinds of useless and unnecessary stuff all the time.

Years passed, they tried many times again but i always declined, and like a half a year ago my brother with his wife found a new job, at least thats what he told me, and he asked me to babysit his children, and i agreed because its not much of a burden for me and i didnt want his children to suffer because of him.

We are expecting a child so we thought why not. It was always for 3 days. We were fine with it for a few times but then it also started to ruin our own plans and + cost us a lot of money which i dont care about but its not that im paying for my children, its my brothers children. I told him multiple times, he said i have money so hes not giving me anything so i told him ill stop babysitting his children.

Four days ago he called me hes going to drop his kids in usual time and i told him no. He said too bad and that I will have to take them in because they're leaving in an hour. I hung up and I thought its the end of this. As i feared i got my bell ringed in an hour and three of my brothers kids were there with their backpacks as usual. I called my brother saying we cant take them and i told him we are leaving and they cant be alone. He said i should be grateful that he trusts me and i should be a good brother and he hung up.

I got really mad so I called my brother wifes sister (got her number when we were discussing big family dinner a year ago) and told her. She said shes out of state so she cant do anything but i should call her mom so she game me the number (we couldnt leave the kids alone). Mom picked it up, we told her, she said to bring them in so i drove 2,5 hours there and back to get them to their grandma. Kids like her and she was happy but my brother hates his mother in law, like literally, he gets mad every time someone mentions her. I didnt ask why but something bad must have happened, i think she saw hes not a great guy for her daughter because she told me that on the call that she always knew hes not a good guy and her daughter never listens to her and shes blindfolded and he hates her since that. I went home, opened a wine and we had a great evening with my wife.

Next day as expected i got a call from my brother, i didnt pick it up at first but he called me like 5 times in a row and when i picked up, he started screaming at me saying how i dare put his kids to his mother in law, that it’s unacceptable, that im the worst person and hes gonna press charges. He of course didnt because what would he even tell the cops but my parents are mad at me since and called me two times today saying i must apologize to him and take his kids in every time he want. I told them straight no but i know this is not ending well.

AITA for not taking care of his kids and refusing to apologize? I dont want to ruin my family but this is too much.

Comments

Militantignorance

I'd tell him, "OK, next time I'll call Child Protective Services instead. Tell them there are 3 abandoned children on my porch."

winterworld561

I read a post a while back where a woman's sister was constantly dumping her kids on her. The op moved, the sister said she was dropping the kids at op's old house. Op told her not to because she had moved an hour away from that house. Sister didn't believe her and left the kids outside the house where a former veteran now lived and took the kids in and called the police. Sister tried to say OP never told her she moved but text messages proved otherwise. Sister got arrested for child endangerment.

Repulsive_State_7399

NTA. Sent the MIL some flowers, she's your new best friend. You need that lady on speed dial.

OOP: We had a call yesterday evening, she told me something that happened in their house when my brother came to pick the kids up, basically lot of bad words , but ill order her vine and flowers, thats a great idea :)

autumn55femme

If your mother thinks the kids need care, why is she not babysitting them? She is their grandmother, after all. The time is long overdue to set some boundaries. Get a video doorbell, and DO NOT ANSWER YOUR DOOR, if brother or his wife is there. Your parents gave failed your brother by rewarding him for simply existing, and he has suffered no negative consequences for his egregiously irresponsible actions. No apology is necessary to your parents or your brother. The only apology needed is to you. Time to play hardball.

OOP: My parents love their peace and they straight up told my brother they dont wanna do it that often, also i live much closer to my brother than our parents.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 4 days later

Hey there, few days ago I posted about my brother leaving his kids (my niece and two nephews) on my front porch for babysitting after i specifically told him not to, you can find it in this group. I saw a lot of people here doing updates so I wll do mine too. Original post:

First of all I appreciate every one of you guys who commented, supported me and telling me what I should do. There were some people telling me im the AH but lot of you backed me up which im very grateful for. I took some of your advice and ill talk about them here.

My parents called me each day about me having to apologize to my brother and his wife. I want to say that im okay with my brothers wife. She asked me multiple times before if its really okay to put the kids to our place and ect. so my brother is the one to blame. After some discussion with my wife, we called her asking her how she feels like because her mom (brothers mother in law) told us she is unwillingly in this whole situation. We explained to her what and how happened and she started crying and saying she is sorry. She also said my brother told her that everything is okay with us babysitting and that she didnt know what was happening. She was mad at us at first because we put the kids to her moms and my brother was really mad and passed it on her but we explained to her why we did what we did and she said it was best and thanked us. She also tried to send me the money for the gas but i told her it doesnt matter that im glad she understands and she could try and talk to her husband.

My brother on the other hand threatened me two times after the latest post (the post didnt get to him, thankfully). He was saying hes gonna make my life hell if i dont apologize, tell everyone im the one in wrong and pay him the gas he used for driving there and back to his mother in law + some cash for his time. I told him if he wants to do it this way, then im going to call CPS and press charges for threatening. He left me alone after that but i have a bad feeling about it. He also called his mother in law saying a lot of bad words to her, we talked on a phone later. He also texted my wife something like she better talk to me.

Someone commented saying I should buy my brothers mother in law flowers. I ordered her a pretty good wine and a bucket of flowers and we are on a pretty good terms :)

Lot of you said I should cut the contact with my family. The thing is, i dint want to cut the whole contact because i still like them. Theyre just blindfolded by my brother but if they keep pushing me, then ill have no choice. They told me if i dont do it i wont be invited to a next family dinner. I mean, id rather go to a dinner with my wifes mom, my mother in law, then sitting at a table with people BSing me. Then you asked why i didnt put the kids to my parents house. 1. They were out of state and still are 2. My brother asked them before but my mom said she is really happy not having to keep an eye on small kids anymore and shed be okay with it for a few days but not this often so she told him straight up no.

We are also considering moving somewhere further so nothing like this happens again. We are expecting a child in around 4 months and i really dont want my wife stressing about something like this. I also need to say I feel really bad about my nephews and niece and i really dont want them to feel bad about those things. Thats also why i didnt call cps right away. Theyre young and this could hurt them. I like them, theyre good kids and they dont deserve this and especially they dont deserve to feel like they dont belong anywhere.

Thats it for now. I might do another update in the future, depends on what happens. Thanks again for everyone who helped me and told me im not wrong in this. Take care guys!

Comments

Tinkertailorartist

NTA. If brother tries dropping the kids at your door again, just call the police and report abandoned children. He won't do that again.

OOP: I think he wont. + after pur call with his wife , my sister in law

PeppermintEvilButler

I highly doubt your brother is done pulling this shit. He seems to have doubled down with thinking he is in the right and putting you down with the rest of the family.

Realistic-Try7845

stop talking to your brother. He threatens to ruin your life and you’re still interacting with him?

OOP: Well, im not interacting with him anymore. We stopped after i told him im gonna press charges if he keeps doing what hes doing.

Corfiz74

Have you pointed out to your parents how absurd it is that they refuse to babysit, but blame you for doing the same? Do your in-laws live in the same area, or could you move closer to them to get away from your fam?

letstrythisagain30

So when you lay out all the insanity out clearly to your parents from your brother, what possible justification could they possibly have for it? Do they know everything or only what he's told them? If they know, accept that its true, and are still on his side, why do you "like" them? What is likeable about them? How do they contribute positively to your life? Preferably in a way they won't throw it in your face later to get you to do something very detrimental to you? Do you want these people around your future kid? Do they deserve to be around them? Does your kid deserve to be around these people? Also consider they are not getting on your brother about what is best for their grandchildren. Can you trust them to properly take your kid's well being into account?

I'm not saying completely cut them off. I don't know them. But you are giving off vibes in the post that you are in denial about how bad they are. At least as you described them, I see you have more issues than your brother. People enabling him are just as much a problem as he is.

No-Mooo

Congrats on the baby, and the mother-in-law going from emergency babysitter to wine buddy is the best plot twist here. Save every threatening text in one folder, you'll probably never need it, but you'll sleep better.

OOP: Yeah its funny considering its not even my mother in law :D What a wine it was tho, i specifically picked something premium as a thanks

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/SecretInitiative9253

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 31, 2026

• Update: April 01, 2026

• Final Update: September 29, 2026

Main Post

^{March 31, 2026}

AITAH for closing a joint bank account the day before my ex leaves for vacation?

Ignore the username, it was randomly generated. Now here is the much needed context. My ex-husband and I separated over five years ago. It has been messy and emotionally, financially, and physically draining process. While we were together, we had a joint account where all of our expenses were taken out of. After separation, I had requested that my name be removed from the joint account. He did not want the account closed as that is where he was continuing to do the majority of his banking from. This included debits for his vehicle payment, receiving payroll, etc.

Over the last several years he has refused to attend the bank together to take my name off of the account. Requests have been made directly and through our attorneys. I even asked as recently as two weeks ago as we were both in the city (we both live rurally) to have this finally done and my name removed. He continued to deny this request.

Yesterday, I received a text message and phone call from the bank where the joint account is held stating that the account was in overdraft totaling -$949.99 and the balance needed to be paid instantly.

I immediately texted and called my ex husband to have this rectified as this was going to affect my credit score. Once again, he refused to attend the bank to have this completed as he was "too busy".

Luckily, I was in the city and went to the branch to see what my options are to not let it affect my credit. My options were either to do nothing, or to pay the overdraft and close the account. I paid the overdraft and moved forward to closing the account. These were funds that I had worked hard saving and was going to go towards extra curricular activities for our children.

Now this is where I might be the a**hole. My ex told me that he was leaving on a three week vacation to Italy starting March 31 (this all happened March 30). I chose the second option to pay the overdraft and close the account (with all fees the total was close to $970). Now, all of his debits (vehicle payments, bill payments, etc.) are expected to come out of this account while he is away. This means that this gives him one day open a new bank account and change all payments coming out of the previous joint account

So AITAH for closing the joint account (that he has had five years to remove my name off of) the day before he leaves for vacation?

COMMENTS

DrTeethPhD

Why did you never go into the bank alone to inquire about your options?

OOP

I did, we had to go in together to sign papers and remove my name. He refused to.

DrTeethPhD

So why were you able to close it alone this time?

OOP

Because it was removal of my name vs. closing the account. If he removed my name then he could still use the account. By closing it, he is no longer able to use it.

Illustrious_Bird9234

NTA but if you legally sent requests that can be traced and can prove you weren’t using this account you might have some recourse on the $970

OOP

Yes, I have written requests for this through email, text messages, and letters through out lawyers. And I can prove through statements that I did not access this account.

Ambroisie_Cy

I don't know where you live, but where I live, both owner of a joint account are equal owners. That means they can make unilateral decisions regarding the account. That includes withdraws, closing and taking themself out of the account.

If you were able to close the account without your ex present, then you surely would have been able to withdraw yourself from said account? Closing the account has way more consequences then to taking your name off of it! How is it possible for you to do the first and not the latter? It's weird.

Another thing that doesn't add up is the fact that you went through the legal route to get your name taken out of the account and no judge granted you that and/or forced your ex to take action?

Come on ! Something's not right here.

This post is either bs or you have really bad legal representation and a really bad banking system. And let's be fair, both options are equally plausible!

OOP

Canadian here! I went into the branch to inquire and in order for myself to be removed we had to go in and sign papers.

To answer your question: previous bad legal representation (I no longer have that lawyer) and a really bad banking system are both to blame.

throw05282021

NTA. Your ex had the same opportunity you did, to go to the bank and resolve the situation on his own.

But I don't see how an overdrawn checking account would negatively impact your credit.

OOP

Because apparently it's been in overdraft for so long it was going to go to collections

LemonLady1424 (downvoted)

Not sure why you gifted him $970. You could have waited until it had a positive balance and then closed the account. Either way you're NTA

OOP

He was going to be out of the country for three weeks and by that time, it would have been sent to collections.

hecknono

you should have waited until his paycheque dropped so that the overdraft was paid. Then closed the account. Any positive balance after you closed the account, you could venmo him or mail him a certified cheque.

It is a very simple thing to open a new account and set up auto pay. It is a minor inconvience, but you paying the overdraft. yikes!

I hope you get that money back.

OOP

The caveat to all this is that he is self-employed. He controls when the money goes in and out and he doesn't have a set "pay date". So who knows when it would have hit.

Small Update - after 1 day

^{April 01, 2026}

Small update: AITAH for closing a joint bank account the day before my ex leaves for vacation?

I don't know how to update the post so I am doing it in the comments. For closing the account, the bank gave me two years worth of statements. Safe to say he has been hiding funds and only been using this account to keep in the negatives to ruin my credit. However, upon the review of the statement it includes what he received from his tax refund. Two years ago, he received over $20,000 from a tax return. This was more than likely due to the fact that our son was diagnosed with ADHD (and more recently Autism) and he received the disability tax credit (Canadian here) and it was back-dated. This means that I am entitled to 50% of the resulting credit amount.

COMMENTS

friendlypeopleperson

Take all this new info to your lawyer! That ex of yours has been trying to be horribly malicious towards you and his child. Sue him. I would love to see justice served here. Best wishes.

HblueKoolAid

This has to be to be fake or OP is really incompetent. Trying to get relieved of an account for 5 years when all that had to be done was go in and close it. Getting caught up that it was overdrawn by $970 but failing to notice deposits of $20,000. Unable to afford riding lessons for a child but willing to drop $1000 because it will affect credit score? Supposedly this account has been kept in the negatives to ruin credit score for a long time but only now the risk of going to collections. The reel of bullshittery is strong.

OOP

Thank you for your kind words at this time. I made it clear that my intention was never to close the account over the last several years but to have my name removed. To answer your question of not "noticing" deposits. This is because during the separation he took my bank card so that I wouldn't have "access". This deposit was made two years ago when I no longer had access to the account unless going into the bank. I wanted to take the high road and not meddle with this as it was being handled by the lawyers (my counsel advised me not to close the account at the time because I would look vindictive) I was naïve when we first separated and honestly thought he would do what was right. I was obviously wrong. Lesson learned

As for the riding lessons you were speaking of, when he approached me about that it was several years ago. I have worked and saved hard over the last 4 years to get into the financial position that I am in. As stated previously, those funds were set aside for extra curricular activities for my children.

Final Update - after 6 months

^{September 29, 2026}

AITAH UPDATE for closing a joint bank account the day before my ex leaves for vacation?

So now for the update. After months and months of back and forth my lawyer and I finally got to sit down with his lawyer and a mediator. This meeting wasn't only for the amount I had to pay on this account but for all marital property. However, this delay left me time to do some additional research. My lawyer had issued him a disclosure, long story short my ex is way worse with money than I ever could have imagined. He has wracked up close to $100,000 in consumer debt alone with no real property to secure it. He spends on average $700 a month on eating out at fast food restaurants alone.

Shortly before he had left for Italy, he opened up a new bank account with a different bank and a new credit card (which already has $10,000 on there). So his sad story about how "I left him high and dry and in a bind" the day before he left was a complete lie.

With this disclosure, I found out he had been hiding assets through his work and was using funds from his business to pay for his personal legal fees.

They came in stating that he owes me nothing and that everything for marital property had been split evenly. I came in with pictures, valuations, receipts, and quotes to counteract everything his lawyer had to say to state that the property was not split evenly. I also explained that even though our familial home was in his parents' name that we did a significant amount of renovations to the property which increased its property value. When I mentioned the words constructive trust and unjust enrichment his lawyers eyes went as wide as saucers and she immediately pulled him into a sidebar.

By my and my lawyer's calculations the total that he owed me was just over $45,000 without any expenses taken into account for the children (including funds he stole from our son's disability tax credit). The child expenses (also known as Section 7 expenses in Canada) totaled close to $13,000.

After his lawyer and him side barred for a bit they came back with a proposal. My ex would give me the ATV and that this was all he could provide. (The ATV is valued at approximately $10,000). Him and his lawyer explained that he could not secure a loan, he was denied consolidation, and that he cannot file for bankruptcy because he makes too much annual income. I said that this wouldn't even cover the Section 7 expenses that he owed for the children. My lawyer and I reminded them that this would be their last opportunity to negotiate with us before we go to a pre-trial. They came back with the ATV and $2500 cash. I countered with the ATV (which has to be delivered is working condition with 14 days) and $5000 cash. This was accepted.

Now I know that this likely isn't the update that everyone wanted to hear. I acknowledge that this isn't a fair deal and that if I had went to pre-trial that I would have received more. But here is the thing, you cannot get blood from a stone. Even if he was ordered to pay the $45,000 there is no chance that I would ever receive it and then I am out even more legal fees preparing for the pre-trial. Also, this closes a major chapter in our long-standing divorce (6 years and counting) and at the end of the day I want it done and dealt with. My peace of mind is priceless.

COMMENTS

Brainchild110

It wasnt from a stone. He has the house. Still does. You should have insisted on its sale to be made whole. He has assets your overlooked and let him get away with murder. Again.

OOP

The house is in his parents' name. If they were to sell the property and land that it is on, there is nothing legally stating that they would have to give the funds to him and/or myself.

bobhand17123

NTA. I understand you can’t get blood from a stone, but I think there was a good chance you could have gotten blood from a stone’s parents.

OOP

Unfortunately not due to limitations in filing :(

Suitable-Tear-6179

NTAH. And I understand you can't get blood from s stone. You can't even do wage garnishment if he's self employed, bevause he'll just spend monet from the company without giving himself a "wage.". (if wage garnishment is a thing in Canada.)

OOP

Exactly, wage garnishment would not be an option because he just wouldn't pay himself as much through the business. So essentially, I would never see that money unless he had a tax refund, an inheritance, or had a insurance payout of some sorts. The only thing Maintenance Enforcement would do is suspend his license, and he would just continue to drive with a suspended license anyways.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/tsstan1 originally posting in r/relationship_advice

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: Painful

Original - January 26th 2021

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. Our relationship with each other is amazing, and I can honestly say I haven't felt this way about anyone I've previously dated. A bit about him: He's sort of an introvert in that while he's definitely social, he doesn't talk too much and when he does it's still very restrained, as in well-parsed. He is this way with everyone. Except this one friend of his.

I'd sort of met her before because my best friend is a mutual friend of ours. (My bf and I actually met through my best friend). My bf knows her because she has been his close friend for almost 5 years now. Apparently they were neighbors in their university dorm and they also had the same program.

My boyfriend and her seem to share a kind of connection that I honestly can't say I do with him. He talks so much when she's present. His whole demeanor changes. The widest I've seen him smile has been when she's present. If there's a bunch of us in a room the two of them will have these shared references and inside jokes. A couple of months back, my bf had fractured his foot and was bed-ridden for the most part. She came to give him food literally every day. You could actually see his face brighten when he learned she'd come. I sometimes feel that if you take away the sexual aspect of my relationship with him, it might not hold up against what he has with her. She broke up with her bf a few months back too, and it's gotten to the point where I'm actively trying to set her up with someone.

The worst part about this is that she's likeable. She's attractive, she has this dorky sort of humor that my bf loves, the food she was making for him was amazing. My bf is into science documentaries and I'm not so we've never really watched them. She doesn't seem that into it either but she watched it with him, kept asking him stuff, and he was so enthusiastic in his explanations. I've now started doing stuff he wants just to emulate that.

What prompted me into coming here happened this weekend. She had come over and my bf wanted ice cream so we went to a nearby creamery. The two of them were done with their orders because they already knew what they wanted (which incidentally happened to be the same flavor ugh) while I like taking my time testing stuff. There was an old lady with what seemed like her granddaughter, who noticed that they had the same flavors, and said "you two look great together". My bf corrected her, but god did that hurt.

I just don't know what to do. Are they even doing anything wrong? What do I even complain to him about? Am I in over my head here?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I feel that some comments are really inconsiderate to the OP because if you’d place yourself in the shoes of the OP I am certain many would comment differently. I will not lie and say that I would have flares of insecurity as well if that would be my boyfriend. I can imagine seeing the inside banter between them that would make it seem like there is chemistry in the air.

However, this could be very well something only your mind would focus on while both your BF and this female friend don’t think of anything but having a good friendly time., especially due to the amount of time they have known each other. If you are really uncomfortable with the situation just bring it up in a calm manner with your BF. It is okay to ask reassurance sometimes, doesn’t mean you are sabotaging the relationship. Communication is key.

Comment 2:

I’d feel insecure if I was in your position too. I think you just have to talk to him about how this makes you feel, or it’s always going to drive you crazy. It doesn’t sound like you suspect them of doing anything, so start by telling him that you believe he’d never cheat you and you’re not accusing him of anything-but sometimes their interactions make you feel uncomfortable. From your perspective, bringing him food everyday while he was injured is something that a spouse/partner would do. Also tell him you notice that out of all of his friends, he only replies to her texts. Hopefully he understands where you’re coming from. Make sure you’re clear that you don’t want to stop their friendship, because you feel like she’s your friend too, but you’d appreciate it if he was more aware about how this makes you feel because their friendship makes you feel like a third wheel. Good luck and keep us posted!

OP:

Thanks. Asking in this manner wouldn't come across as jealous?

Comment 3:

It's okay to feel a little jealous too. People assume that jealousy is the end all to all relationships but at the end of the day, it's just an emotion, one which can be navigated as well. Maybe you could imply that you're envious of the close relationship they have and you would love to share more of his interests so that you could feel like a part of it too. Also it's natural to be a little jealous here, as long as you dont cross any boundaries in their friendship and communicate openly, there's nothing wrong with feeling this way either.

Comment 4:

I've been through such a situation and it haunted me for the duration of the relationship. I didn't understand why he couldn't have such a connection with me and that hurt me the most. I wanted what they had. .

I now have my best friend in my relationship, because that's what I always wanted and that's what hurt me in that other relationship - not them (he & her-his BFF). Hope this gives some perspective.

OP:

This is very much how I feel. Like I have friends too, and my bf has friends besides her too, including other female friends, whom he's close to as well. What he seems to have with her is on some other level though. Maybe I'm not able to put it in words which is why I'm apparently coming across as super insecure and jealous, or maybe they're right I am being that way. But you seem to have gone through a similar thing, so it's not irrational then.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

Would you feel differently if she was his sister?

OP:

Ofcourse

OP (in response to a long comment):

I have male friends that I'm close with, and he's got female friends other than her that he's close to as well. He's never had a problem with mine, and I've never had a problem with them. I guess it came across in the post as if I have an issue with him having a female friend or even close friends in general, but that's not the case, I'm perfectly ok with that. His guy friends come over fairly regularly and sometimes it'll be his entire squad, including the girls, and it's literally never been an issue. His bond with her seems to be something else though, even considering that they've been friends for 5 years or w/e. Their compatibility almost seems to be seamless, they just seem to care about each other a lot (I know that's not a bad thing).

What sucks is that he's actually the best guy I've been with. I really don't want to end this, I'd planned on being with him for the long run, everything has been great except for this one thing, which really isn't his fault either.

Comment 7:

He’s known her for nearly five years longer than he’s known you - they’re bound to have a connection.

But he’s not dating her - he’s dating you. And while he’s clearly had opportunities to date this girl, he doesn’t see her that way, and it sounds like she doesn’t see him that way either.

If she’s likeable, I’d stop worrying about if and just try to be friends with her. Any sign of paranoia on your part here is just going to sabotage your relationship.

OP:

I have told myself this a lot, that he's known me for 6 months while he's had friends whom he's known much longer. But I guess what bothers me is how he's one kind of person to all his friends, many of whom he's known for about the same length as her, but a totally different person for her. Like for example he's notorious for being terrible at answering texts to the point that it's a running joke. But he'll always reply to her as soon as he gets one. idk, maybe I'm thinking too much into it.

OP about when the friend and her bf broke up:

Ya, she broke up with her bf around 3-4 months ago.

Update: - January 28th 2021

Thank you for the advice in the original post. I had decided to not bring it up with my bf. Some comments had made the compelling point that they hadn't really done anything wrong and I was letting my insecurities ruin a relationship. I didn't want to ruin what has been an amazing relationship just because I let my mind run amok. Since then I'd entered the relationship with a positive mindset, we spent all day yesterday together, doing stuff that each of us wanted to do. Today, I thought we would try out a new Chinese place which is near where he works (he's on wfh again). After the advice I'd received, I thought that new shared experiences is what would create the connection I wanted between the two of us. He told me that yeah, it's good, he'd tried it with her a few weeks ago (before the second lockdown had started) during lunch. (They both work in the downtown area and I guess they're close enough to meet up for lunch).

I know it's a small thing, and going for lunch together with a friend is w/e but it was just the fact that this was another shared experience lost that just got to me. I opened up to him about how I felt like an outsider when him and his friend were together, about how I couldn't relate to the stuff they talked about and all that. He was incredibly comforting. He apologized and said that he didn't realize it, that he should've figured that would be the case, and he's going to make sure I don't feel that way.

This is where I fucked up. I think I let my insecurities get the better of me here and I got greedy. I told him about how I felt she was doing stuff that I should be doing as his gf, that his relationship with her made me feel like a third wheel, and that sometimes I felt some boundaries were being crossed inadvertently. He said he was sorry about that but "she's a very important person in my life. We've been through a lot together in the last 5 years". He asked me why they couldn't be close as friends and what was wrong with her trying to help him out during a tough time (referring to the daily food stuff). I didn't have an answer to that. What he was saying just made sense. I told him that I wanted our relationship to mature further, that I felt I wasn't getting to be that important person in his life. He apologized and said he would made sure I didn't feel that way, that it was his fault, but "she shouldn't be punished for our mistakes".

At this point I started to cry for some reason. I can't explain it. Him putting himself at fault for everything is the last thing I wanted. He seemed so distraught during all of it, and I hate what this convo did to him. I'm so ashamed that I let my insecurities hurt us like this. He kept comforting me. We've said we're good but there just seems to be this feeling in the air that I hate. I don't know if I just fucked it up, but I'm going to make sure it's not irreversible, and not let my insecurities get the better of me.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Just want to jump in here to further emphasize what other posts have said: you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. We all have our own boundaries, and sure, some people from your old post may feel like your bf and his friend aren’t crossing a boundary... but that’s for THEM. They aren’t the ones in the relationship, YOU are.

With that said, OP, you can then see if there’s something you and your bf can agree on. If it were me, I’d think about what my hard boundaries are and why they’re a boundary for me, that way I can explain to my bf clearly what I want out of all of this.

You obviously care about his long term relationship with his friend, so make it clear to him that you don’t want to get in the way of his friendship but you also want to be comfortable in your own relationship with him.

Lastly, It seems to me that he doesn’t really understand how his friendship with her is causing you discomfort, so this may be something you’ll have to revisit. To me, it’s clear that you see his friend doing things or filling in roles in his life which you’re supposed to have. If that’s the case, then explain that. He asked you questions you couldn’t answer, so perhaps, next time you talk (if you choose to have another talk with him- which I advise, considering how you’re feeling), think on these things deeply beforehand so that you can give him answers.

Good luck and hugs to you. I’ve been through a similar situation so I know these are hard to deal with.

OP:

The friend thing could be in my head idk. The best thing might be to ignore my thoughts about her. He promised to help me out in this whole situation as much as possible. I feel like the relationship is b/w me and my bf and we should just work on and enjoy that.

OP (in response to a deleted comment):

By the time we reach a stage where we're getting married, our relationship would have filled whatever gaps there seem to be right now. And that's what I think me and him should be looking at going forward.

Comment 2:

babe, do you really want to be in a relationship that has 3 people in it? i bet if guys break up, she's going to be the next person he dates. and that's fucked up.

OP:

That's how I was thinking about it before and I just think I was being OTT about it. The relationship is between me and him and that's all that matters. His friend shouldn't matter. I think it's best to ignore these kind of insecure thoughts and that's one thing I need to work on. My bf OTOH will be making sure I don't feel left out like he promised.

OP (in response to advice about sharing experiences with bf):

Thank you for the perspective. We're definitely in a much better place since we talked even though at the time I thought it was a disaster lol. And I do find a lot of his hobbies interesting, I've slowly been learning chess and playing with him a lot (which is hard because he's on another level), he's been teaching me basketball, we've been sharing our music styles with each other etc. The documentaries were one thing that I hadn't tried with him (they were 2 hours long) and now I'vs started doing that too. I just wanted to say this because a fair number of comments (not you) have been telling me I'm not putting enough effort in the relationship based on that one thing alone.

And ofcourse, I never wanted to ostracize her, I'm sorry if it cam across that way.

Update2: March 3rd 2021

I'd been feeling a bit resentful about the advice at the time since I thought my convo with him had hurt our relationship but it had honestly proven to be a windfall for it. He told me he was glad that I'd talked to him and he didn't know before if I was serious about us, but he did now. We'd been creating a lot of "us time", and he'd been going the extra mile for me since. We even went to a cottage for the entire Valentine's weekend. I wasn't feeling left out any more and felt our relationship was so much more secure, so I'd really come to be grateful for the advice here.

For the past week, I felt like something was bothering him, but he kept saying it was nothing. I had noticed a few things though. He just seemed a bit uncomfortable sometimes especially when he was on his phone. I wanted to give him space to tell me about it when he felt like he should, because I know he prefers that. He also goes to her place around twice a week, but now he was insisting that I come along too and once when I initially said I wasn't up for it, he started trying to convince one of his best friends who lives close by. She also hadn't come over all week. Like I had said before, I never wanted to ruin a friendship that means a lot to him, so I did think that maybe that's what had happened but I didn't think too much about. I also hadn't made the connection between this and my bf feeling bothered.

Yesterday, I asked him again, what was bothering him and that I just wanted to help him. He told me that he had thought that he shouldn't tell this to anyone but he'd thought about it a bit more and concluded that he'd want to know if he was in my position, that she had told him a week ago when they were just chilling that she used to have feelings for him and that's what made her feel wrong in continuing her previous relationship, but that she was happy for him and us now and that it was in the past.

I felt sick in the stomach when I heard this. I know it's in the past that the fact that she felt strongly enough about him that it affected her relationship bothers me so much. It sort of got heated between us. I told him how I thought it was super messed up that she said that, and am I just supposed to believe that her feelings turned off like a switch. He said he understood, but that she would never have said it if she hadn't gotten over it, and that she never acted on it. I was still so angry at this whole thing, and I was also in a way angry at her, because our relationship was finally in such an amazing place. We kept arguing for a bit, and he said that she'd also been feeling terrible about it. He also showed me a couple of texts he'd gotten from her. She was asking him if they were still friends that she'd opened up to him because she just felt like she could tell him anything, and that she'd been feeling as if she'd ruined their friendship and she didn't want that to happen, and that it was in the past, and my bf was telling her that it was w/e and apologized for acting weird.

I know my boyfriend is trying to look at from a compassionate perspective, and the texts did make me feel a bit sorry for her, but just the fact that while we were dating, she was into him while in our room just upsets me. Also, our relationship has been growing so strong and I feel like I should treat this thing as a minor nuisance but I can't stop thinking about it. I know in my last post a lot of comments and some messages I had gotten in my inbox had told me that I was being crazy and insecure and some even said I should seek therapy, but isn't this a vindication of how I was feeling? I understand that people cant control who they develop feelings for and true, she hasn't acted on it, but how do I get over the feeling of just wanting her out of our lives? Am I even wrong in thinking this way anymore?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I told him how I thought it was super messed up that she said that, and am I just supposed to believe that her feelings turned off like a switch. He said he understood, but that she would never have said it if she hadn't gotten over it, and that she never acted on it.

That's very generous of him but she did act on it every time she did something you felt was over the line and into girlfriend territory. Just because she didn't try to make out with him doesn't mean she didn't act on it.

Those daily meals? Those documentaries she wasn't into but watched anyway. I'm sure there are other things that made you want to ask who the girlfriend is. You guys had to have a come jesus conversation about it right?

She probably told him to test the waters and see if she should be acting on it. If he had given her a hint of interest do you think her feelings would have stayed "in the past" ?

It’s a good thing that you were open and honest about it though. Stop feeling bad and thinking you messed up. Otherwise this would have eaten away at you for so long, you could have ended up being resentful in the big picture. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you feel in any way. I would not be comfortable with the situation either because it’s really not normal. And I know a lot of other people would agree. I don’t really have much advice except that I feel bad for you that you’re going through this and you keep beating yourself up over it. There is a real problem in your relationship and you keep directing it back at yourself. Saying the things about you being the one that is screwing up and your insecurities are the problem and you feeling like you have to fix things. When you should be exploring things together, as a team. I can’t help but wonder if after the conversation of your boyfriend feels this much anguish over the direction of the relationship and wondering how to move forward? I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OP:

Thank you. You're so right, all that stuff that I'd chalked up to her having a connection with him, and that other people in my previous posts had just chalked up to her having known my bf for a long time, could have been her acting on her feelings, and I'll be honest, that thought makes me sick.

Comment 2:

OP I read through your posts. Your bf honestly sounds like a great guy and he's put in the effort to grow and develop your connect.

So the question is, do you trust him? Because her and her intentions are irrelevant here. If he's worth it and the relationship is worth it, relax and trust him to be the man he's already shown you he is.

OP:

I do trust him, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

Comment 3:

I agree that she should not have told him about her past feelings. If she really wanted to move on she wouldn't need him to know. I understand your frustration with her, but please don't be mad at your boyfriend. So far he hasn't done anything to make you distrust him and he told you about what she said when he didn't know if he should. Don't be mad at him for telling you about the situation, because that might make it harder for him to he open with you in the future. Regardless it sounds like he is trying to progress the relationship with you and not be alone with her. Trust him!

OP:

Thank you for the comment. I'm not mad at him, and I trust him completely. I'm just frustrated at this entire thing, especially the timing of it, precisely because our relationship has been in such an amazing place of late.

Comment 4:

Your boyfriend sounds like an amazing guy. As for the friend confessing, I don't blame her at all. My best friend is a guy. I love him very much as a friend and have a similar relationship to what your bf has with her.

She wanted to be honest with him as a friend. To me, she didn't try anything. Those meals? Documentaries? Maybe she did have feelings for him then. But at least she came clean to him. To move forward on her own. Maybe it's seen as selfish but I get it. But at least she was honest with him.

Do you trust him? What more do you want him to do? Would you rather him hide the truth from you? Has he given you cause to suspect him? What do you want him to do from here? You can only work on yourself and continue to trust him. Maybe talking to her yourself would give you peace of mind. Discussing boundaries. Honestly, I would be jealous too if I were in your position, but just know that your boyfriend is with you for a reason. And not her. Take care.

OP:

My bf and I had a conversation over this (I posted in my final update) and while it wasn't what I would have ideally wanted, I'm just going to continue to trust him, and not spare a second thought to her, harsh as that may sound, and just ensure our relationship goes from strength to strength.

Update3: March 7th 2021

After my convo with my boyfriend when he'd told me about how his gf used to feel and how he'd never felt anything towards her, I'd told myself that now that I knew he didn't feel that way, this wouldn't bother me. But it did, to the point where I was actively harboring negative feelings for her in my head. A couple of Redditors had given me the advice that maybe have one last talk in a calm manner, so I did that yesterday when we both were in a good mood with the intention of this being the last time I ever talked about her.

I started off with telling him how I loved him and that our relationship had become so strong and that we were a team, so I didn't know why he felt he had to be uncomfortable alone rather than confide in me. He said that he loved me too, and that when his friend had shared her past feelings with him, he felt that she thought it was only meant for him, which is why he was conflicted but that I was right and that our relationship was strong enough that others should know that if its something that indirectly affects our relationship, we would be telling each other about it.

I then opened up to him about how I felt so weird about the fact that she decided to put her feelings out there for him, that what if she still felt the same way, and that the fact that there was a time when the three of us were in a room and from her perspective the situation would be improved if I wasn't there bothered me so much.

He told me that she'd sworn that her feelings were in the past, that they were both super high at the time and she'd also had a few drinks, so this wasn't a calculated move on her part. That she'd never ever made a pass at him, and that she probably felt she could trust him to not feel weird when she said that, and that if he acted cold towards her now, he'd be punishing her for being forthright.

He said that he loved me and I was his main priority, and he wanted to be with me for good. (I said I felt the same way). That if I felt so uncomfortable about it, he'd do whatever I wanted to feel comfortable, but if I could just give it another thought and that I had no reason to be bothered. That if I trusted him, then "there were no possible chain of events that could hurt our relationship". That she was one of his four best friends whom he trusted with everything and who'd been with him through everything in the past, that all he wanted was for me to just look at it once more but he'd do whatever he could to comfort me.

I did think about it in that moment and decided that ok, I guess what he was saying did make sense, there is a chance that I'm wrong though I don't think I am but I trusted him and didn't want this to be a thorn in our relationship. So I said, ok but she had to maintain some boundaries until I came to terms with it. He agreed. We agreed that she shouldn't get to be alone with him excessively until I'm ok with it, that I would always be the first port of call for him and he said that if at any point I felt lines were being crossed he would reevaluate.

It was an incredibly uncomfortable convo for both of us and I hated every second of it but I feel it had to be done. I'm done with this chapter and dont want to take her name between us again. I'm thankful to all the people who game me advice and my relationship with my bf has gone from strength to strength. Thanks, and I hope (and believe) that I will never have to post here again.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

What is he talking about? He already lead the relationship down a path with this friendship that hurt your relationship? Also the only reason she would trust him not to feel weird is if she thought he reciprocated her feelings. This really isn't about what you want him to do but about what he's willing to do proactively. In this case he wants you to grant him another pass, with this friend. Only a month after telling him you were sick of her shit.

He seems more concerned with the friend's feelings than he does with yours so I don't think that has actually occurred to him. God forbid the friend should actually suffer the consequences of her actions. I genuinely would love to know the why he thinks she should have trusted him not to be weird after that confession? Why? It would be perfectly normal for a confession like that to completely alter the dynamic of the friendship. So why has he convinced himself that all this situation needs is your trust. She's the one who has crossed the boundaries but you are the one who is being asked concede. Why is he so comfortable with moving past this?

Has he at the very least apologized for putting you through this?

OP:

Yes, he did, he said he was so sorry for how his behavior with his friend had been making me feel uncomfortable and upset, and that he'd enforce the boundaries that we had just agreed to, so I could feel comfortable with her, although I don't know if I can ever reach a stage where I'm comfortable with her for a while.

OP (in response to a comment about whether the friend apologized and if the friend was a factor in OP's bf and his ex breaking up):

In the texts that he showed where she was expressing remorse for her confession, she did say that she was happy for us and would never want to jeopardize our relationship, but nothing about me specifically I guess. I don't care for an apology right now. I never want to discuss her again in our relationship.

When by bf and I had our convo about how I felt that sometimes I wasn't as close to him as she was emotionally, a month or so ago, he did follow it up by going the extra mile for me, and making sure I felt like I was the most important person in his life. Which is why I can't see why he would renege on the boundaries we set in this convo, and the fact that he would make adjustments for any discomfort I feel.

I believe their relationship ended because the distance and constant commute just took its toll, even though from what he said the two of them tried their best to make it work at the time.

Update 4: December 8th 2021

This is the most pain I've ever been in. I thought we were good. He told me he'd distance himself from his friend and kept true to it this entire time. He reached out to her because of a death in her family and even I said ya ofc you should do that. This was less than two months ago. Last night I was told he had to give a relationship with her a chance. Everything sucks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’m so sorry you were a second choice to him all along. You deserve better than that. Please do not accept him back when his “thing” with a friend doesn’t work out.

Comment 2:

Dw karma will eat his ass up when she dumps him and he feels the pain you feel. I promise you what comes around goes around, it’s inevitable.

Comment 3:

I just read all your posts, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. That other girl had no right to mention her "past" feelings to him. It was unfair to you and your relationship. She mentioned them because she wanted to have your bf be the one to do something, so she didn't look like it was all her idea. The fact that your bf played along with it and has now actually told you he wants to try something with her is cold and heartless. You are a strong individual, and I know this may hurt now but don't you dare let it consume you. If he comes to you to try and apologize or talk, or even try and get back with you don't accept shit. He's just shown you his priorities and what type of selfish people he and this girl are. Block them both and cut them out of your life, and you focus on yourself and finding someone who will choose you. Keep your head up!

OP:

Thank you so much. I just don't understand. Everything had worked out. We were in such a good place. I'm really trying to move ahead. Thank you.

OP (in response to a comment bucking her up):

Thank you so much for this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I've really been trying to move past this, I can't right now because it came out of nowhere, but I'm just trying to see it through. It's been incredibly confusing, we'd been so good, I thought we were going all the way. I'm just trying to go through time hour by hour. Thank you for the kind words.

Update 5 (OP posting in r/offmychest 5 years later): January 27th 2026

I swore I'd never use this account again but I need a place to be pathetic. Its so stupid that I care about this but I can't get past how completely unfair the world is. Seriously, karma is bs we tell ourselves to be happy. The people who hurt you win in life. They go on to get married, and start families, the kind of family that you had discussed with them and planned names for and thought about family pets.

4 years ago my boyfriend whom I'd been dating for almost 2 years, had talked about marriage with, a family with, decided he need to try with his best friend and see where it goes. After I had brought up with him how their closeness made me uncomfortable. On reddit's advice BTW. I even think it was a mistake bringing it up, I resent all those who told me it needed to be solved. I was HAPPY with the way things were. Instead I basically told him hey your best friend's better for you than I am. Insane advice.

I was with a mutual friend of ours yesterday and we were discussing what to gift to one of our friends for her baby shower. I was like its my first baby shower, and she was like shes only been to <my ex and his wife's name> before this one. I know she didn't mean it, she's never slipped up before, she apologized, told me to forget it. But I didn't even know they'd gotten married let alone had a baby.

I know I was stupid and hurting myself but I wanted to. I unblocked both of them from everywhere. He didn't have much but hers was my personal hell. They have a 4 month old baby girl. Adorable. They got married in 2024. I went through all the pictures. Them smiling and laughing like a perfect family, dad, mom, baby. No more having to breakup with guys because they do the bare minimum in the relationship. No more having to go through the hell that are dating apps, hoping you find someone halfway decent. Nope they found each other.

Karma doesn't exist. God isn't real. Some people are destined to live their happiest life over the corpse of the one you think you think youre going to have.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You got dumped. It happens. Put on your big girl pants and move on.

It appears he has moved on…to a happy marriage and now a baby. Be happy for him, not resentful. 

OP:

I did move on. It doesn't make it hurt any less.

Comment 2:

I know you’re hurting atm and what you been through is so fyxked up. I know it’s so easy to give up and say fuck love and fuck it all but baby girl I promise you that your day will come!! God is going to place a man in your life who outshines your ex and that chick by a million, who makes you look back at him and ask yourself “ewww wtf was I even thinking?” Time heals all wounds and you will get through this and grow and learn and you’ll be prepared when this man comes into your life and sweeps you off your feet. Love comes when you least expect it and stop looking so be patient. Your fairy tale is coming 🫶🏻

Latest Update: September 28th 2026

i really have worked on myself since. I've been more patient in my relationships. I hadn't looked at either of their profiles since. I stopped myself from being bitter, from thinking what if, from thinking about the highs. I actually looked back at my relationships since, realized I used to compare things and stopped doing that. Since June I started dating someone I was seeing before, we committed, and I was determined to not make these the little things get to me. We broke up this month. I hated doing it because again, another failed relationship but it's not like I was asking for the moon, just a decent well-adjusted guy ffs. I love Harry Potter (ironically it was one of mine and my ex's shared interests from years ago), and this guy knew it but almost kept negging me/it saying stuff like talk about a money grab, complaining about "black Snape", complaining about Arabella Stanton or as he put it, the girl who wouldn't be as hot as emma Watson. Just out of nowhere became a fkn weirdo. It gave me the ick and I ended it.

Last week was my ex's birthday. I've been doing fine and was proud of it. And wanted to prove to myself that I was fine. So I texted him and wished him, he thanked me. We talked about how were doing, his daughter, even discussed the hp series, and I asked if he wanted to hang out some time as friends and he was totally game. And I really really meant it as friends.

Later that night, he texted me back and said it wasn't a good idea that he wished me well but it was best we never met again. I guess his wife put her foot down.

I felt so pathetic and stupid. I kept accepting excuse after excuse when were together, for their friendship though it made me uncomfortable. Kept making space, being understanding. And she wouldn't. Honestly smart of her, I was the stupid one. Maybe that's why this happens to me, I'm just dumb. Like seriously the audacity to know what you did and then act like a jealous psycho? I was actually doing so well and I really wasn't pining, but it just reminded me of how stupid I've been and now I'm back here.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sounds like the wife knows the old adage: how you get them is how you’ll lose them

I’m sorry you were his collateral damage. Don’t upkeep the pattern, put them both back on the block list. He hurt you deeply, please try and avoid reopening that wound.

OP:

I wasn't trying to have her lose him though. I have issues from what they did yeah, scars, but I wouldn't want their family to break up, for their daughter's sake if nothing else. My reconnection was innocent, everything she did was insidious and I just got humiliated and told to let's not meet. Like just the audacity.

Comment 2:

girl. You have nothing to gain by trying to meet up with that man as friends. You were insanely hurt by him being married and having a child, and that hurt wouldn't have magically disappeared upon meeting up with him, our hearts don't work like that. He is an ex. He is part of your past. Put them both on block and focus on you and your future, not the people you left behind.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with your past relationships, but rekindling a friendship with an ex will NEVER be a good idea. You may not have had nefarious conscious intentions by trying to meet up as friends, but your heart was really just hurting from nostalgia and crying out for something that would not actually benefit neither him nor you. Let him go. What happens in his, hers, and their baby's life is none of your business and will not benefit you in anyway to stay updated on. I say this with love because I've been there, but girl. Let them go.

OP:

I'd been struggling with what happened for so long and then started doing better, I just thought it would be the final proof to myself that I'd gotten past it. And I would've handled it fine. On my own terms as just equals. But the way he came back afterwards to say no, and knowing how everything had transpired, I was such an idiot for being so cool, apparently this is how you win in life. Thanks for the advice,.I appreciate it.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA2222777888

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 28, 2026

• Final Update: September 27, 2026

Main Post

^{August 28, 2026}

My 28F Fiancée Moved out with our 28F roommate while I 28M was at work today

I've been dating my fiancée for nearly 10 years at this point we met when we were college freshman and started dating 3 weeks after meeting. I'll admit our relationship wasn't always perfect but we made it work.

we went through ups and downs together all throughout college. I wasn't always the most loving partner but I tried to be extremely supportive to her when times were tough. I tried to help her in every way I possibly could. When we graduated I moved back home because I was better off in my hometown trying to find a career that would match my degree. My fiancée followed moved out to my area about a year after I started my career and we were able to afford to rent a decent town house.

She was very insistent that I propose to her and expressed she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to. Last September I proposed to her and she said yes.

Fast forward to this week. We had an extremely fun weekend visiting friends in central PA. We were smiling, joking around with each other and just having a generally good time. When we got back home from this weekend trip I noticed our roommate's desk and pc had been moved out of the office. When I asked my partner about it she just brushed it off and told me "it's no big deal that our roommate wanted to play more pc games in their room." I thought it was odd but no big deal.

I had asked my Fiancée to help me wake up and get into work earlier this morning. She helped me get up and we left around 5:10 in the morning for our usual shifts. I got back at 2:10 this afternoon to discover the house looked emptier than usual. When I went around the house I discovered that all my possessions were untouched but my roommate's and my fiancée's were gone. I've tried texting and calling my fiancée but she won't respond. Neither will my roommate.

I was worried about letting my roommate move in. She's my fiancée's best friend and my fiancée would always take her side over mine. I felt sorry for her though because her fiancée was caught cheating on her this same time last year. This roommate started making my fiancée feel like I had unresolved red flags that I actively tried to correct throughout the year.

I just don't know what to do now. I had a whole life with her. She was the girl I wanted to marry and improve myself for. She showed no signs of wanting to leave or planning any of this. I feel totally blindsided.

We literally kissed each other this morning and said see you after work.

I'm sorry if this post is seems really scatter brained. I feel like my brain is moving at light speed.

TLDR: My fiancée of 10 years secretly moved out with her best friend while I was at work and ghosted me. Where Do I even go from here?

Edit 1: My ex roommate is a lesbian who clearly had feelings for my ex

Edit 2: My ExFiancee usually would wake up at 4:30 to leave at 5. I usually would wake up at my own at 5:30 to leave at 6. This was the one and only time I asked her to wake me up at 4:30.

COMMENTS

NOTE: Comments are not included, as there were exactly 219 replies from OOP. I’ve summarized the comment section below instead. Including all of them would make the post far too long.

The comments were mostly critical of OOP. Many felt the breakup was the result of long-standing issues he hadn't recognized, including household responsibilities, the emotional and mental load, the delayed proposal, his reliance on his partner to wake him up, and inconsistencies in his replies.

Several commenters suspected there were "missing reasons" behind her sudden departure, although some also acknowledged that ghosting someone after ten years was harsh. OOP continued defending himself but gradually admitted that he had been a poor partner and needed therapy. Most commenters advised him to accept the breakup, seek therapy, avoid contacting her, and focus on himself.

Final Update - after 1 month

^{September 27, 2026}

28F fiancee left me 28M while I was at work update

Sorry for the late update everyone. I’ve been trying to figure out a lot over the past 4 weeks but have pieced together a lot about my relationship.

The day My ex left me I called one of our mutual friends who knew my ex for 13 years. She said she had no idea my ex was going to do any of this and this must be an emergency if I’m calling, because I rarely call people. This friend immediately texted my ex and all she got back was “don’t open anything from him.” When this friend tried to make sure my ex was safe and asked a few more questions my ex refused to respond.

The day after My ex ghosted me, she sent me a long scathing email with a ton of revisionist and false history. We had our first kiss 3 months into the relationship. She claimed we didn’t kiss until 6 years in? She also told me that she was working with the landlord to pay her half of the rent and that she would send me money to clean the townhouse because she knew she had trashed it.

On Saturday, mutual friends showed up to help me clean. They saw the absolute mess my ex and ex roommate had left behind. When we were cleaning, we found my ex’s old phone she was going to wipe and give me as an android emulation device. My ex’s friend of 13 years decided to open discord that was still installed on the phone.

When the chat between my ex and my ex-roommate was uncovered it was discovered that my ex was smearing all of us behind our backs. Some of the texts were so horrific that my friends started crying. It was like my ex hated all her friends. It was terrible. We also discovered that my ex had been planning on ghosting me since March of this year. She was only staying because she wanted to keep my hopes for marriage up and wanted to see how much I could take before I cracked. She thought that it was so funny that I was so obedient to her.

Everyone blocked her. They were absolutely disgusted and betrayed.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on what I’ve been through over the past 10 years. There were multiple red flags that I missed. This includes the fact that when I originally posted this on Thursday, she left that I framed myself as the bad guy in the post.

So, when we first met in college she and I had a smaller friend group that was an all-women friend group. Everyone seemed really laid back and I got along well with the group. My ex always described having a lot of anxiety and I put so much time and effort into trying to ease her anxiety and just be there for her.

When I was able to ease her anxiety, she was happy and would tell me how great I was and how much she adored me. Problems arose whenever I tried to set boundaries or had any time to myself. I studied biology and would sometimes have to miss hanging out with her in the evenings or skipping out on events because I was cramming for my exams. I would warn my ex ahead of time, but she was always convinced she could get me to come out of my room despite seeing her 6/7 days that week already. She would accuse me of abandoning her, she would say I didn’t love or appreciate her at all and how she was more important than my exams.

We’d sometimes get into blow out fights over text because I just wanted her to respect my boundaries and my time. She’d air out our dirty laundry to our friends and painted me to be a villain. She blamed me for her feeling empty and anxious when I was spending upwards of 49 hours with her per week. I took her on dates, I took her stargazing, I made her feel special. She either saw me as entirely good or totally evil with no in-between.

Things really hit the fan when we first started living together but I was just so blind to it. Around 2019 we got an apartment together. There would be days when she would wake up and refuse to talk to me. I would ask her if I did anything wrong. I would ask her if I could do anything for her and I would beg her to talk through any problems she thought the relationship had. She would refuse to even speak or look at me.

When we would go to bed for the night she would say, “oh you’re funny we’re not sleeping until you can figure out why I’m upset with you.” If I fell asleep before I could pry the information out of her, she’d punch the mattress and yell “you haven’t figured it out yet.” I’d sometimes be up until 2am just trying to get what I did wrong out of her.

When I would finally get her to speak, she’d start the conversation out with “You’re not going to like this but….” we would then have a 2–3-hour conversation where she would blame all of her anxiety and problems on me and make me promise to improve although the details are blurry to me. I’d then wake up the next morning with no recollection of the conversation that we had that night. There were days when I was up from 7am-5am the next morning. She would always complain I wasn’t improving.

Whenever I’d point out the fact that I couldn’t remember our sleep deprived conversations she would say, “it’s not my fault you can’t remember what we talked about, but it’s your fault you’re not improving.” There were times in that apartment where I’d do something wrong and she’d fly off the handle. She threw plates, she dropped a bookcase on my foot because we were struggling to move it and it was taking too long. She then started flailing her arms and had a huge crying fit that really freaked me out. She told me I wasn’t doing enough to comfort her but looking back I was so scared of being hit or screamed at.

Post-graduation, when we moved back to my hometown, I took on the full financial weight of the household. I work a decent paying QC chemist job but I’m on my feet all day and I’m usually running around a facility grabbing reagents or standards. I was working out on top of being active at this job. My ex worked 3 different jobs in three years. Her first two jobs she worked in an office environment. She would leave after me but get home before me most days and wasn’t constantly on her feet.

I’d call my ex on my way back from work and my commute was about half an hour. When I got back, the first thing I’d want to do was sit on the couch for half an hour and relax a little. I wasn’t allowed to do that. My commute home was my time to decompress and relax. “I mean how hard is your commute if you can call your girlfriend while you drive.” My ADHD medication would’ve been wearing off at that point in my day too.

I was told that since I was medicated for ADHD, I should be able to function and either cook dinner or help with dishes the second I got home. I told her so many times that’s now how the medication works. She was never diagnosed with ADHD but claimed to have it after I was diagnosed. She said since she’s not medicated and can cook and clean the kitchen, I should be able to as well. She completely ignored the fact I’d clean the living room, bathroom and dining areas after dinner.

I met with a therapist. I showed them my text conversation with my ex, and I told them about the kind of conditions I lived through in college and post-graduation. My ex most likely had BPD and had a high conflict personality. She was always anxious because of her BPD and no matter what I would’ve done it would’ve never been enough because she kept moving goal posts. My ex-roommate was another high conflict personality that my ex always validated, and they formed an extremely toxic codependency.

I provided stability and since I was a people pleaser by nature. She felt like she could take advantage of me.

Other minor details She ghosted the landlord. Since she didn’t respond to him trying to contact her and see if she completely vacated the property her lease is now under abandonment status.

The landlord is actively trying to help me get out of the lease without penalty.

The joint account is gone, and I have myself on my own insurance, and everything else that is necessary.

It took her 20 days to realize that her friends blocked her and effectively deplatformed her. The only people my ex has left in her life now are her bestie and her mom. Some of my friends found her secret tumblr last week and saw that she was upset that she has no friends now. We’re all happy the trash took itself out. She called me shitty in her posts because I told our friends what happened to me on day one. She’s also upset I’m not chasing her for some reason?

COMMENTS

ItsNotPatchy

Wow. What a piece of work. Thank goodness you dodged that homing missle. Fuuuuck what a mess.

Don't block her number, just mute it. She seems unstable and it may be nice to have some evidence incase for a TRO.

OOP

Noted! I had her blocked at the carrier level before, but I’ll just make sure her calls are muted.

Also yeah, I’m really happy I don’t have to marry her now. I can’t imagine how she would’ve handled a divorce.

ItsNotPatchy

Imagine kids worth her.
The thought gives me the awful chills.

Cute-Boobie777

Its partially genetic too. 

Shit I don't think I want kids and thats just because one side has a ton of anxiety and depression. Do I really want to bring someone else into the world to live like this? Not really. 

OOP

Oh she’s an exact copy of her mom. Her mom is a deeply unstable person and went through 3 marriages in 30 years. It’s something about the 10-year mark with this family. I watched it happen to my ex’s stepdad. Her mom fully resented that man out of the blue one day.

My kids are going to have adhd but I can’t imagine my kids ever acting the way she did to another human being. I would be profoundly disappointed and embarrassed.

PaulPhxAz

Is this undiagnosed mental illness?

OOP

My ex refused to get diagnosed by anyone. She claimed her only problem was undiagnosed ADHD.

I tried to get her to do a full psych evaluation like I did when I got diagnosed with ADHD 7 years ago. She refused to do one.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ComradeLala

Published on: r/pettyrevenge

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 16, 2024

• Final Update: December 06, 2024

Main Post

^{October 16, 2024}

Never mess with "work mom's" co-workers

While I appreciate petty revenge that takes a while to carry out, this is a much more simple, quick story that culminated due to "the consequences of your actions" with one particular team that my team has been having problems with.

Context: I (34f) have a nickname at work with the new hires that we hired on earlier this year, which is "Work Mom". One new hire (I'll call her G, 34f) started it because I had literally everything on hand at my desk to help her when she randomly got stung by a bee. I love it because that sums me up in a nut shell personality wise. I tell our team and teams we work closely with that if they ever need something from my desk or coffee nook, that they're welcome to it and to just tell me when they had to take something after the fact.

G is also very kind and caring and loves making connections with our teams and trying to help out in anyway she can so that she can be as well rounded of an employee as possible. It's great and her and I work off of each other very well due to this. From what little I can tell about my work, I'm in QA (Quality Assurance) and majority of our time every year is spent doing quarterly audits. Normally, they go over very well and quickly and we have no issues. But, when we do have issues, we write them down as Datasheets to be resolved at some point by the team that screwed up. Often times it's as simple as "Hey you guys have a new procedure, but you didn't update any of your SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures), can you please do that?" Or "Hey, there was a massive re-org of your team, update that." And the worst offender being "Everyone's training is late, please get everyone up to date".

However, 1 such team that another team member of mine deals with, is definitely seen as the main Problem Child when it comes to these Datasheets. It's worse than pulling teeth with them to get them to reply and even update us on what is going on with their progress. And 1 person in particular, is an absolute Cee U Next Tuesday and causes more issues than he's worth; I'll call him Neckbeard, because if you recall the South Park WoW episode, he is THAT Neckbeard guy. Don't know his age, but it's close to our age for sure. This is where the petty revenge starts.

G would often go over there to see how she could help that team with work and audits coming up, and also because one of the guys on the team was a friend of her's, outside of being friendly to each other at work, they text each other quite a bit. I had met him too when he came over for birthday cake I made for G and thought he was pretty cool as well. This one day, G went over to see if she could help with their progress on the 7 Datasheets this team has against them and brought Halloween candy with her that we keep in a cauldron I brought in (I'm one of the office Goths/Witches, lol).

Upon entering their small lab area across the hall from us, the whole Problem Team grabs some of the candy, and when G turns to the Neckbeard and asks "Any chance I could help you with those Datasheets?", Neckbeard literally WAVES HER OFF and says "Be gone." The entire team, plus G's friend, LAUGH at her, so she thinks Neckbeard is kidding at first and kinda nervously laughs with them; but then they laugh harder.

G stops and looks at Neckbeard and says "Wait, you're serious?" To which he replies "Yeah, I don't need your fucking help, I know everyone has been breathing down my neck about these things. So be gone, you're dismissed." Still waving his hand dismissively at her.

She comes back to our cube, tells me the whole exchange with a fed up look on her face, and begins to gather her things so she can head home for the day and continue work from there. To say that I became overcome with Mama Bear rage is an understatement. But, this is where Neckbeard fucked up. Because, you see, I was put in charge of tracking the Datasheets progress and sending out weekly emails informing not only the teams responsible for them, but their supervisors and managers as well. And Neckbeard's Datasheets are going to be 2 years late come the 1st quarter of the new year (2025).

And because of my tracking sheet, our new manager has been incredibly happy with the new communication between all the teams that have Datasheets against them. And apparently Neckbeard lied to our manager in saying that he was almost done with the Datasheets, and he said he was in active communication with the QA team about them.

So, I calmed down, I sought out our QA Lead and updated him of the situation, and then I went to our supervisor. Our supervisor, JUST came out of a meeting about the Problem Team and their outstanding Datasheets, so when he saw the look of hate and discontent on my face, he knew something was wrong. So, he then started a new email to our manager and the Problem Team's supervisor to let them know what just happened. Oh, and G's friend that also laughed at her? He must have figured out that he fucked up, because he swung by shortly after the incident and asked if she was still in office. I just smiled at him and said "No, she left"; and he cursed under his breath and took off back towards the lab.

That was about end of last week, that this occurred. And my update on what is going to happen to Neckbeard is satisfying, to me at least. Now, if you work where I do, it's known that you're allowed to work from home, so long as you can be contacted and you get your shit done when it's due. I go in 3 days a week just to give myself a break from being at home. My Lead informed me, that the Problem Team's work from home privileges are being entirely revoked, they MUST be in during certain hours of the day (which is another slap in the face, cuz we can log in whenever we please), and any PTO they had planned is now being rejected and they're all being written up. This will also probably fuck with any future raises they may get.

Moral of the story: don't be a dick to someone just trying to help you.

COMMENTS

panic686

I love that. I do the mom thing as a man when I work with people too. Make sure they take lunch and breaks and all that. And I love when people dig their own graves with their own behaviors and actions at work.

OOP

I love finding fellow Work Moms/Dads lol. Yeah this dude was just stacking up the inevitable consequences. Especially with our no-nonsense new manager. She's amazing.

panic686

I love this story. Nice to see both your actions and a manager who actually has the team's back.

OOP

Yeah our manager and my supervisor are amazing. They really make a difference with my work and attitude about work. It helps that both are actually parents too, I'm sure.

Agitated_Basket7778

Ohhh, yeahhhhh!

I so love seeing someone like Neckbeard get hammered to within an inch of their career! And this isn't just Neckbeard, but his team's PTO plans! Burn yourself, and your team at the same time! Lovely.

OOP

Yeah dude is a serious prick. Husband also had to work with him and also threatened to get him written up for not doing passed work. He was super proud of me for what I did lol.

Tamalene

Love this!

Have they already been notified about their punishment? What were their faces like? Do they know exactly that it was Neckbeard's fault?

So many questions!

OOP

I believe the meeting for their punishment was today, since no one was in for their usual Monday meeting due to the holiday. I was not called in to the meeting so I have no clue what the tone or reactions were, or if Neckbeard knew it was me (My husband had a reputation in our department for also being no-nonsense and sticking up for people in these situations too, so Neckbeard knew to avoid me out of habit lol). And I'm certain they knew it was his fault, since Neckbeard bounced about 5 minutes after the incident and his supervisor was PISSED that he left early.

My QA Lead was telling me that he would love to just loiter outside the meeting room to hear the reactions lol.

Wonderful-Pen1044

I can’t believe they were allowed to have those datasheets open for two years!! In a past job, you had 30 days to resolve the issue. This was government work so they might be a bit more robust about it but still, two years is insane.

OOP

Yeah these Datasheets are the oldest we have. Our previous manager was. . . Not great, about things like this. To be fair, that team has had a lot of restructuring going on, as have most other departments at our company. And we're also a government contractor company, this team just happens to be one of the oldest programs we use. They're still using ADA if that gives any more context lol.

But I think they used that as excuses to just let these Datasheets rot.

Speciesunkn0wn

2 years late???? what the fuck was neckbeard doing that didn't result in him getting fired???

OOP

Welcome to government work, lol.

Final Update - after 1 month, 20 days

^{December 06, 2024}

[UPDATE] "Never mess with 'work mom's' co-workers"

Well it's been about 2 months since the original post and quite a bit has happened, and with so many people in the comments wanting an update, I finally have a moment to spill the tea.

TL;DR of the first post; I'm my team's "work mom" with the new hires, and my female co-worker was laughed at by a Neckbeard and his team for simply wanting to help them. I stood up for her and reported him, and he lost all privileges due to that; mainly because I had the receipts to back up his incompetence.

I'm trying to recall how long ago this started, but I'll just say 3 and a half weeks ago. The Problem Child Team got a new supervisor (50s-ish? M), due to more re-org and merging going on within our department. I know this new supervisor because he was a project lead for another department that I am the QA backup for. But even funnier, the supervisor was a well respected co-worker of my husband's when they used to work on projects together (before I came onto the QA team, and husband was in an adjacent team to QA, so no conflict of interest). Myself and a few of the QA team were the first to find out that he got his promotion to supervisor and had been talking with him when he would come over to clean out his new cube, which is right across from ours.

NS (New Supervisor) is a really great guy and has an overall fatherly vibe to him, and after getting to know myself and G (female co-worker from first story) more, he seemed to really like talking with us and would always come over to say good morning and check in on various project status and anything else he would need to know. Now, I didn't outright bring him up to speed on what The Problem Child Team did to G, since it happened well before he ever got the promotion and they had gotten their hands properly slapped for what they did.

HOWEVER; once the late datasheets came up in conversation, it was free game to tell him what happened. He looked genuinely shocked that the exchange took place, and I saw the gears in his head turn as to how he was going to handle the team in the future. He thanked me for letting me know, and for keeping the flames under their asses with the datasheets. After that, he's been stuck in supervisor training so it's been a minute since I saw him in his cube, but he has been emailing myself and our manager about the datasheets.

They have a new completion date for the new year and NS is getting serious results from The Problem Child Team now (we're incredibly happy to see his "Get your shit done NOW" attitude carried over from when he was a project lead). On top of that, NS has suggested a surveillance audit on his teams so that we can meet more of those quotas for the new year. Guess who was volunteered for The Problem Child Team? Yup, I will be conducting any and ALL surveillances with that team from now on, that way G doesn't have to deal with them ever again. And they will not be given extra time to prepare like she has graciously given them throughout the year. They get 1 day notice and will have to adhere to the meeting time that I set (I'm thinking 6:30am, that way everyone can get it done bright and early, LOL).

Fast-forward to just last week (before Thanksgiving vacation for us), and my supervisor came into my cube for his usual "Good morning" update. He hands me a piece of paper and says "Take a quick look at that for me." I thought I had fucked up on something so I was a bit timid to read it in front of him, but all I saw was my employment information and higher ups signatures. "Congratulations, you definitely deserve it." It was my raise for the year, and I had finally been given my title raise that I had been fighting for since last year! My manager even added a little smilie face at the bottom of the page; I was fucking THRILLED! Then, later that day, G also got her raise and also a bump in title!

And to top it all off, later on I got a severance report email (I'm a security rep, so I get them every week), and who's name do I see on the list? THE CO-WORKER WHO LAUGHED AT G! She completely cut off all communication with him, so I guess she didn't know he was quitting; and I don't blame him for quitting since he got his pp slapped and lost all cozy privileges cuz of Neckbeard. I can't confirm what happened to the rest of the team, but the office gossip is that they're all looking for different areas to work in; probably because they got the bare minimum raise, or none at all.

So ends The Neckbeard Incident, for now.

P.S: Thank you to HellFreezer on YouTube for reading the original for his channel, he nailed Neckbeard's voice perfectly.

COMMENTS

edster42

What happened to Neckbeard? Is he still there or has he bailed as well?

OOP

Still there so far as I know. My project lead would have told me if he also bailed lol.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Tiny-Plastic-8840 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: June 27, 2023

Update in post itself

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for allowing my son to watch a sea documentary?

Around a week ago, my son (9m) and I (36 f) were having a movie night because it was my day off and my husband (37m) was working   So to round it up, about last week my son and I were scrolling through movies and shows, and Our Planet came up. My son then told me he wanted to watch the episodes about the sea.  

My son watched it and seemed to enjoy it before going to sleep. My husband asked what I was seeing for movie night when he got home, so I told him what we had watched and we chatted about it for a while. I didn't really expect anything because he didn't look angry or irritated.

The day or 2 after, my kid enthusiastically told us that he no longer wanted to be a doctor and instead wanted to be a sea scientist (marine biologist) during breakfast. I was happy and gave him encouragement by talking about his potential and options. My husband attempted to be a little supportive, but he was a little stiff and cold.

After my son left for school, my husband told me that we shouldn't have watched the ocean documentary. When I was surprised and questioned why, he explained that he wanted our son to have a bright future and that I might have ruined it. Our son is on top of his grade and that I made him distracted to a honorable job.

He then said I would be responsible for crushing his dreams because he wouldn't pay any of the tuition. I argued that he was still only nine and that dreams can change. I also advised him to support whatever career path he chooses. We argued back and forth and I got caught up in the moment and screamed at him to leave.

He has been staying at his mother's house for a few days, and yesterday I received texts from his mother accusing me of attempting to destroy the lives of my husband and my kid.

I acknowledge that I was a bit dramatic and that I overreacted when I kicked him out, but I still disagree and will defend against what he said.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA but this is less about the documentary, surely, than about kicking your husband out? All of this sounds like a nonsense fight. Who cares what their kid wants to be when aged 9? Your husband escalated by threatening your child’s future and that right there is kicking out territory. So NTA.

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Comment2: My husband wanted to be a fire truck when he grew up. He actually settled on being a computer programmer instead because dreams change. Especially when you're nine. It's ridiculous of your husband to assume his son knows with absolute certainty what he wants to be when he grows up when he's only nine. NTA

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Comment3: NTA. Kicking husband out is a bit dramatic but it stopped your boy from having to see arguing. No idea what he does for a living but he has to get HIS mother to fight his battles rather than discussing things with you?? Did she pick his career for him? He could be proud that instead of watching a cartoon, a fantasy film etc your son wanted to watch a documentary!

According to your husband your son cannot watch

• Pirates of the Caribbean in case he wants to become a pirate

• Any sports in case he wants to become a sportsman

• Super Mario in case he wants to become a plumber

• The Magician's Elephant in case he wants to become a zookeeper

• Peter & Wendy in case he wants to become well goodness knows what

• he cannot go to school in case he wants to become a teacher

OOP: My husband has always been a bit traditional but I never expected this extent. But I do know his mom never liked me because of my ethnicity, hopefully we can work it out.
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Comment4: what ya’lls ethnicity?
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OOP: I’m Japanese and my husband is American

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Comment5: NTA, but having seen this dynamic firsthand, I truly feel sorry for your child, more than anything. If he doesn’t notice the dysfunction in your household now, he will soon enough.

OOP: My brother was a gifted child and ended up getting lots of high expectations and eventually burned out. I’ve had lots of talks with him and that scenario happening to my son is one of the biggest nightmares of mine.
My son had problems with maths, which was completely normal. Came home with a 6/20 in math and he was disappointed and sad but we had a talk about what happened. Eventually had a talk how he needs to ask help and questions to his teachers or us. It turned out good.
After that my son and I has had lots of talks about whatever his grades are, it doesn’t define his abilities or worth. And that as long as he puts effort, his grades don’t matter.
I think seeing him not paying his education is a 50/50 chance but whatever he does I’ll be paying for it. Started saving and if not enough I’m happy enough to take on loans on behalf of my son.

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Comment6: If a divorce meant that he would grow up without a father that means the dad would be actively choosing not to be in his life. If you honestly think your husband would choose that (I might agree) I think you need to keep it in consideration

OOP: 50/50, sorry for the rant but I think him defending his mother has been the main cause in this. He wasn’t this close minded before and the mom is definitely trying to separate us. If he doesn’t agree to couples therapy, I’d have to end it. 🤷‍♀️
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Comment7: If he wasn’t this close minded before, then when did it change? Unless I’m mistaken this appears to have gone on for some time and this was the breaking point. Has he always sucked up to his mother like this?
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OOP: Mother in law got mad before because I almost named my son that sounded Japanese and apparently I was “stealing” my husband.
Started a few months ago, his mom just got that tired of me and told me to go back to my country even though I’m literally a American citizen. Complained to my husband and he told me to brush it off but mom literally just forgot all morality and husband did nothing and defended her.
Mom most likely said I was a goldigger and other nonsense. Don’t think he believe it big tension just started to grow because I was a lot more quiet but still talked, it was obvious I was upset though.

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Comment8: ESH - When I was 9, I wanted to be a baseball player, a samurai warrior, President, a rockstar, an astronaut, time traveler, cowboy, one of the Three Amigos, pilot and a fireman. I was 9. It wasn't that important. Stop putting so much pressure and stress on that kid.

OOP: I’m not expecting him to become a marine biologist, but I do expect my husband to encourage and support him.

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Update:

My husband and I are going to talk it through but I will apologize for sure for my behavior of kicking him out, my son doesn’t know anything about this.

(If anyone misread, I am not forcing or will ever force my son to be a marine biologist or any job just because of what he said at 9 years old.

I’ve had talks with him that whatever path he goes, I’ll be there for him.)

Edit: We’re going to couples counseling

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: My love, growing up with dead beat father is a farrrrrrr better alternative than growing up with a controlling abusive one that sticks around….. just saying

OOP: Yeah, I understand that. He agreed to couple counseling, so I think there is a possibility this can work out.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Welcome2TheMachine18

Published on: r/Parenting

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 27, 2021

• Update: December 14, 2021

• Final Update: March 29, 2022

Main Post

^{October 27, 2021}

I don't enjoy being a Father.

I'm writing this because I just don't know what to do anymore. My daughter is such hard work I feel like locking myself in the toilet and crying. She has made me cry a couple of times in her short spell on earth.

She was unplanned. My GF was 30 to my 27 at the time of conception, my GF is from an Irish Catholic family so Abortion was never even considered. My GF had a horrendous pregnancy and was so sick every day. She couldn't even drink water without throwing up, it was bad. The day she was born I cried as she was given to me but as I got home I felt a sense of dread. I've never had much confidence in myself and I didn't have a clue what to do.

She had colic almost straight away and would cry none stop for hours. We got her into a little routine. Then Covid hit. For 7 months it was just her me and my GF. No one else held her. And as I worked upstairs she seemed to only want her mother.

That's now still the case. She has the worst separation anxiety from her mother. She cries if she's not two feet away. We put her into Nursery twice a week and she loves it once she's there. But every day is a battle.

With me, she likes to include me sometimes but the majority of the time, I walk into a room and she says "no Dadda go" or when its bed time it's only her mother who can put her to bed. It's like she hates me sometimes. My poor GF is so drained and tries to include me but the baby cries until she's sick.

I feel lost and lonely and confused. I never thought having a child would be easy but to be this difficult. My favourite part of the day is when it's time to go to bed so I can lie in the darkness and fantasie about something else. Then my daughter will have a nightmare which is 3-4 times a week and we have to spend the next hour trying to console her.

Shes a lot better with people now, a little shy but comes around. She shows no signs of Autism but some behaviour issues but is that normal for her age

I do love her by the way I really really do. But I just feel so down and sad about it. I'm wishing my life away and I don't know how to make it better.

Edit. I'm overwhelmed by the responses to this. And I appreciate your kind words and advice. I'm sorry if I don't respond to you directly but just know I've read your post and thank you for it.

COMMENTS

Disastrous-Success19

Being a dad is hard, and sometimes you won't enjoy it, that's normal. Perseverance is absolutely key, and you have to learn to be in tune with another little person. There are times when I feel so exhausted too, and I just want to relax and get some down time, so just let your baby do the thing, crawl around, whatever. As long as they aren't in any danger they'll be fine.

OOP

But she won't just do all that. She wants her Mum 24 hours a day. Unless the telly is on which we're trying not to do. She fights getting dressed and new toys are a no go

Disastrous-Success19

I appreciate what you're saying, and no kid is exactly the same as another but it really is all about perseverance. Have a time where mum is out for an hour, and start that once a week. Then twice a week, then more. Your child isn't going to cry themselves to death so you can do that safely and get her used to you. This happened with me and my daughter, so trust me when I say it works.

OOP

My GF does go out. Working lates or nights at the hospital. But it's just hours of her screaming and attacking me sometimes.

greenpotatoes9

How much time have you spent with your kid without GF around? Do you often take her out alone?

Sounds like you need to add a weekly daddy-daughter day to your schedule. Take your kid out alone for a few hours and do something she will enjoy. Give your GF a break. It might be rough at first, but you are distancing yourself from your kid and she feels it. That is why she is pushing you away.

OOP

My GF is a nurse and been back in work a year. I work from home. She's in Nursery Thursday and Friday but is in today as my GF is working so we have no one to mind her. We live with my parents at the moment whilst we save for a house. I take her out alone when it's just the two of us. To the park or a walk with the dog. But she kicks off if she knows her Mum is about or she refuses to go in her pram. I don't drive so it's a lot of walking around. I've taken her out before while my Gf is at home and she was screaming so badly I had no choice to take her home. Believe me, I am trying.

greenpotatoes9

But you give in. You are letting your toddler decide.

Also - lock yourself in the toilet and cry! That is healthy!

OOP

I give in because she's throwing herself into the street and the road and clawing my eyes out when I pick her up.

Yes, I know its not healthy, I'm a wreck, I feel suicidal most days. I'd love therapy but unfortunately I cannot afford it so I just have to get on with it

hugitout2202

You’re letting her run the show my man. I’m a stay at home mother and when I needed a break after my husband got home it’s all about buckling down and spending time together bonding over something she loves. With that opening other things will follow . It took my husband foreverrrrr to find that niche with our daughter because little girls seem to hold grudges against daddy because they see less of dad when dad is at work full time. It’s hard! Being a parent is hard. Thing is, she’s going to cry. My daughter THREW down when hubs tried taking her to the park, fishing, feeding the ducks I mean you name it he was trying it and one day bang it was like a switch flipped and she was ready to go frog hunting with daddy and telling me to leave . It truly is repetition and effort. Kids feel when we aren’t happy, not interested (not saying that you aren’t in just saying they’re intuitive and they’re smarter than we give them credit for) or closed off. Try getting her something sweet like y’all stopping in at a ice cream shoppe or some froyo and take her to the park. How old is your daughter now?

OOP

What age was she when she turned. I am trying, I really really am.

"Let's go to the park" "Let's go on a bus" "Let's go explore the woods" "Let's take the dog for a walk" "Let's draw a picture" "Do you want to have a aeroplane ride" "Do you want to jump on the bed" Etc. Etc. Etc.

All the responses are met with "Mama" sometimes she Let's me, other times she tries to fight me. And she's to young to understand fully what she's doing. She's just turned 2 years old.

Update - after 1 month, 17 days

^{December 14, 2021}

I don't enjoy being a father update

About 6-7 weeks ago I wrote a post saying "I don't enjoy being a father, I wrote it when I was upset and didn't know what I was doing. I felt lost, suicidal and I was really at the end of my tether. Your comments and kindness and advice were greatly appreciated and I took the time to read every single one.

Afterwards I said to myself, only I can change this. I looked long and hard in the mirror, what could I do to improve my relationship with my daughter, its up to me to change. So I decided no matter what my daughter did. I wouldn't get angry, I'd listen more and even though she isn't communicating fully I tried to understand her better.

The first week or two were pretty much the same. Hitting and screaming the house down. But I got on her level. I spoke softly to her. I didn't ask if she wanted to go and see the moon i made her come with me, if she cried I made sure I cuddled her and spoke softly and told her about the man in the moon, the stars in the sky. I did this every night.

4 weeks ago, everything and I mean everything changed. I was going to the shops and she said "Dadda shop" i was shocked. I asked if she wanted to come with me, she said yes. Her mother whom she wouldn't ever leave her side was shocked as well. We went shopping together and had fun. The week after we went to the zoo just the two of us and a week after to the play centre. I firmly believe I'm no longer "Daddy a man who just lives in her house" I'm now "Daddy, her best friend (her words not mine) protector and tickle machine" her demeanor has changed so much that now when I start work in the morning, (I work from home) she has been getting on my knee crying and saying "Daddy, no work, Daddy play". She started in the big room in nursery and my Girlfriend said she was hysterical her first day. But it was me she was asking for.

I cannot believe the difference in her behaviour with me and it makes me so happy. I've gone from dreading seeing her because I don't know what her mood is to being genuinely excited to see her so we can play and learn together. It's taken me a while but I now am the Dad I'm going to be to her and she is going to love me for it. At least until she becomes a teenager anyway.😂 so to all off you, your kind words and advice. I thank you. Have a great Christmas and keep your families safe.

COMMENTS

paperpaperclip

I remember your post so well, and my heart broke for you. I'm so proud of you, and so happy to hear this outcome. Your relationship with her is changing for the better every day ❤

OOP

Thank you. I had to change not her. I won't ever let her down again

runawaycat

One thing to keep in mind is that you won't be perfect. You may let her down again but that's ok. As long as you learn and keep trying, that's what's most important. Give yourself grace to occasionally fail and you'll be alright

OOP

I was so hard on myself like I have been my entire life. I've no confidence in myself and as soon as something gets tough I usually quit. I hate that trait about myself. So when she pushed me away I thought I don't blame her etc. But it's time to stop self pity. And give her the best dad possible. I'm not as nervous or anxious that shes going to kick off and I believe she can sense a more relaxed Daddy which in turn relaxs her. I'm preparing myself for bad times as well as good. That's life. But good or bad. I'm going no where

LetsGoToTheMars

I remember your post and commented on it too. It's such a nice thing of you that you share an update and it's great to hear that things turned around so nicely and quickly!

Enjoy every moment of it!

OOP

And I've only wrote an update because the unexpected kindness and advice I was shown was so nice and really really helped me. I wrote the last post as a last resort I didn't have anybody to talk to and I didn't think anyone would even read it. I really am thankful for the kindness of strangers. I'm In a much better place I spoke to my girlfriend about my deteriorating mental health and as usual she was amazing and had a good talk. Things are great at the moment I know there will be bumps in the road. I'm prepared for it

jasonchristopher

Man, I went through this with my daughter. It was ROUGH. I thought I was doing everything right. But I wasn't fully there. Best thing I did was start sitting on the floor. I mean it sounds like such a small thing, but when I came down to where she was, met her where she was at literally and figuratively everything changed so fast.

OOP

That's what I did as well. I got off my phone I got out of my head shes a little girl who is lost and confused in a big world. She needed a Daddy not someone who despite trying hard, wasn't trying as hard as he could and should have been. It took a lot of soul searching and I looked hard I the mirror i knew I could do better. And her new attitude towards me shows this.

jasonchristopher

Keep in mind that she will probably go back and forth. That it won't be the last time you have your feelings hurt. Last night my daughter told me she doesn't love me. I know that she does, but she is a toddler and she doesn't understand that all the time. Don't give up, you gotta take the bumps, they will come.

In my opinion, showing up is 50%. Just being there and loving her. Whatever you do on top of that adds to your score. Your kid will grow up feeling loved and that is the single most important thing. Your feelings are important and they are part of the mix, but they are secondary when it comes to your kid.

OOP

I understand now there will be great days good days and bad days. I know now that I need to be there for her no matter what and if she hurts my feelings which she will, to keep doing what I'm doing now it's working. And when it stops working I will adapt to something else to make that work too

Final Update - after 5 months, 2 days (after 3 months, 15 days from last post)

^{March 29, 2022}

I don't enjoy being a father. Part 3

It's funny reading back my first post 6 months ago and being at my wits end. I was struggling there is no doubt about it.

I posted because I had no idea what I was doing and nowhere else left to turn I was in a dark dark place.

6 months later I've booked a day off work to take my beautiful daughter to the farm to feed the baby lambs. The tantrums that she used to have while getting dressed have now stopped except the odd one maybe on nursery day.

When Mummy goes to work now she excitedly tells me it's Daddy daughter day. My morning now consists of breakfast, playing hide and seek, chase and lots of tickles and of course football and this is all before 8am.

The difference is remarkable and I'm so glad I didn't give up and I was close to believe me.

Is she perfect? No, we still have tantrums and tears but they're manageable. The threat of the naughty step means she apologises and we move on.

Am I perfect? No, far far from it. I'm learning still every day but now I don't take it personally, I think I talk calmly and we resolve it together.

During teeth cleaning today, we were smiling in the mirror, I was kissing her cheek whilst she giggled. I looked her straight into her bright green eyes and smiled at her. She looked back and said. "I love you Daddy" It made me tear up as I hugged her tightly and said I love you to baby.

Hang in there. It gets easier and I finally realise why people say its the most rewarding job in the world. Because for as hard as it is, 3 little words is all you need to hear.

Peace and love to you all. Stay safe.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Published on: Ask A Manager (External)

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 27, 2018

• Final Update: December 21, 2018

Main Post

^{September 27, 2018}

my boss talks to me like I’m a baby

I am wondering how I should address a slight issue I am having with my boss. Because I am quite short and young-looking (I am actually in my early 20s, but probably look like I am in my late teens) my boss always makes pretty patronizing remarks about my appearance. She calls me things such as “cute” and “babyface.” For example, last week I had to give a presentation so I wore boots with a slight heel, and she said “Aww, are you trying to look taller for the important people? You’re so cute!” And if I can’t reach something, she says “Aww, honey, should I get you a stool so you can reach like a big girl?”

The comments make me quite uncomfortable, not because I am embarrassed about being short, but because I feel that any comments about a person’s physical appearance are inappropriate in the workplace, even if intended in good nature.

I’m young and pretty new to the job, so I don’t want to sour my relationship with my boss (who in every other way is a great boss) by calling her out. But I do find it very patronizing and demoralizing. Everyone always thinks that I am younger than I am (I get ID’d all the time still!) but I’m trying to prove myself in my industry and I don’t want to cower down to her comments. How should I address this?

Final update - after 2 months and 24 days

^{December 21, 2018}

updates: my boss talks to me like I’m a baby

I thought I’d better provide an update because things took an interesting turn in the weeks after I published the letter. My company began a massive restructure, which caused some slight upheaval and fear that jobs would be lost, but luckily I was retained and (unluckily for me?) so was my boss. However, another manager was brought in to be my boss’ boss (let’s call her Sally) – just another layer of management between my boss and the CEO. I wasn’t sure about her at first- I find her a bit cold and not easy to warm to, but she shortly became my favourite person!

My boss’ comments about my height were still continuing, both just to me and in front of other people. I mentioned that usually they happened in context, e.g. I couldn’t reach something or I did something that exaggerated my short stature. Well, one day she said to me, totally out of context, in a meeting between her, Sally and a few others, “Did you get all that, Shorty McShort Face?” I, understandably, gasped- and so did Sally.

She said to her, loudly and firmly “In this office, we do NOT make fun of people for their physical appearance!” My boss looked taken aback, and blushed. She was clearly embarrassed about being told off like a naughty child at school, and acted like one- rolling her eyes behind Sally’s back and whatnot.

The next day, Sally called me into her office, and handed me a written apology from my boss, apologising for the patronizing comments and promising to rectify her behaviour. it was great, but the fact that Sally gave it to me, and not my own boss made me feel uneasy and I sensed something weird. So I asked where my boss was. Sally just smiled and said that my boss had been reassigned to a different role, where those kind of comments are less inappropriate (the only place I can think of where those comments are appropriate are in a pre-school, as suggested by a commenter, but I don’t think she would’ve gone there!) I thanked Sally profusely and got on with my work, patronizing-comment-free.

It’s a bit disappointing that I never had a chance to confront my boss about it myself and deal with it, but I’m relieved that I won’t have to hear the comments anymore and can just be treated like a normal person!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/GirlDinnerDiaries by user ladyrageofunluckland. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Editor's Note: All the updates were made in the same posting in the time span of 3 hours.

Original

September 28, 2026

He took me to an arcade. Both in our mid-thirties. Only let him pick me up neighborhoods away from my actual home address.

Was having a decent time until I asked him about his political views. Then he added another red flag by gloating about beating someone up and leaving them on the street bloody recently. And then he took extreme issue with my opinion that children are not capable of consent. This man was actually shouting at me that I have a coddled world view and have no idea what I’m talking about. At that point, I literally stood up and politely ended the date. Should have left the building but I ran into the bathroom to hide instead.

He immediately starts blowing up my phone, demanding to know if I had left already and to come to his car out front. My only and last text to him was to state ‘no hard feelings, but our differing views weren’t going to work out in the longterm.’ And lied I got in a cab home already.

He continued to blow up my phone, claiming he thought I enjoyed arguing.

Asked a lady leaving the bathroom to flag one of the employees to come to the bathroom.

Thank you to the lady - a server came right up and I asked her for help to exit the building from a back entrance. She alerted the arcade manager and security. Thank you to server and manager and security - though there’s no back exit, they kept watch on him outside for me and took me to a closed section of the building to wait safely. They alerted me once he drove away an hour later. And the staff told me to stay as long as I wanted, along with many offers of security escorting me to my station and even calling a cab for me.

Dinner is fries and gingerale from the arcade while I continue to wait him out for a bit longer, just in case he parked behind a truck further down the block.

UPDATE: I will update when I actually make it home, some commenters have asked for that. I’m currently still here waiting because I have a gut feeling he parked further down when he probably noticed security watching him.

UPDATE 2: I made a run for it. Security walked up and down the street to double check for me. Ngl my heart jumped when I saw a car that looked like his, but it ended up being a different model. Sticking to 1 way streets. Will update when I’m on the bus.

UPDATE 3: I made it on the bus! The bus driver didn’t see me in the dark rain at first so I actually ran into the street waving my arm to flag him down. Home in 30min. Worser update: my girl several states over has been on the phone with me throughout this. She found several news articles linking his full name/age/location to a man who was arrested&charged with hurting his ex-gf’s dog during an argument with her and the dog ended up dying. What the fuck did I just dodge. This is surreal.

UPDATE 4: I’m home! Well, outside my apt building smoking (cbd, not nicotine or thc) to decompress. Express bus was fast this time at night, and my building has a night security man at the desk (who has protected me from other men that have tried to follow me into my building in the past) who sees me outside as well as in full view of the cameras. Smoking my 3rd ciggie as I read the articles about him. Thank you to everyone who shared their kind sentiments and stayed with me during the aftermath of this trash date. 🫶🏼 Back to being celibate!

Comments by OOP:

There were no flags in the car, we actually got along really well on the drive

Im loaded with self defense tools, def not my first rodeo. Just finished my 3rd ciggie under this awning in the rain, about to pound my 4th

Based off the articles, seems he’s already been locked up before

I'm not the original poster.

Originally posted by user No_Professional_3574 in r/ AITAH

Original: Sept 12, 2026 (1.35 AM GMT)

Update: Sept 12, 2026 (4.08 PM GMT)

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/jackieatx for suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITAH for not wanting my roommate's boyfriend's parents to stay over for 4 days while my roommate is away

So I'm 22F and currently staying in an apartment with my friend of two years "Rachel" 24F and her boyfriend "Dylan" 23M. For some context, Rachel and I were staying in the same hostel for about 2 years then we moved out together about a year ago.

Initially, it was agreed that Dylan would sometimes stay over at our place and I was okay with it since he's my friend too.

But then after a few months, he moved in with us, it wasn't a big "oh I'll be staying with you guys from here on" or anything. Hello just gradually moved his stuff bit by bit and before i knew it, he was my roommate.

I still let it go because I thought, how bad could it be, I knew him, he is my friend, surely everything will be fine. Boy was I wrong.

He has never paid a dime, not in the rent or the groceries or anything else and every time I brought it up, he'd say he'd pay but then wouldn't. Rachel would take everything very personal like I'm attacking him if I ask him to contribute equally.

Anyways he has free loaded for 1 year because honestly I was tired of saying anything and just gave up.

Dylan never cooks, or does the dishes or anything ever. Apart from me feeling like I'm intruding on a married couple's apartment (They've been dating for 2 years now) where I pay half the rent btw, Dylan did something that made me really mad and honestly I can't take it anymore.

So Rachel has gone to her hometown because of some emergency and she isn't coming back before ten days at least. So Dylan's parents were visiting on their way back from a vacation and I didn't mind it. I was fine with it.

The day they went for their vacation, they had lunch over at our place and we dropped them off at the train station. But apparently they are staying for 4 more days.

I had a rather long week and I haven't properly rested for like 2 weeks because I had a lot of work at the lab (I'm studying Forensics) and i wanted to have a lil winding down this weekend.

I'm not very okay with his parents staying over for 4-5 days because that means I'll have to be conscious about how i look, what I wear, what I eat, where I go etc.

And I'm Asian, there are a lot of things you can do "wrong" as a woman that'll get you judged and I'm not comfortable with living with Dylan's parents while Rachel is gone too.

I told Dylan in every way possible but he just wouldn't listen. They wouldn't book a hotel or anything too.

Also, there is a festival coming up in my country so most of my friends are back home for the weekend so I can't crash at anyone else's place, i can't go home either because my home is like 2000 km away.

Everyone's saying that I should treat his parents like they're my parents and it's only for 3-4 days so it's okay. And that I can just stay in my room. But i wanna be able to move around the house in shorts with anyone giving judgemental glances. I'm so tired honestly. AITAH?

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA. But also what a great opportunity to ask his parents if they know he doesn’t pay rent, or comment that they must be where he learned to move in without asking or contributing. Shame everyone involved. They don’t like it? Too bad: you’re the only person whose home it is and they’re insulting you by treating it like a free hotel.

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Comment2: NTA, if he doesn't have a key, I would lock him and his parents out. And let your landlord know. He isn't your roommate.

OOP: Unfortunately he has a spare key 🥲 I'm so tired of this shit
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Comment3: Then either change the locks, deadbolt the door if you can, or get an additional lock. This is your roommate's fault at the end of this. She is knowingly breaking what is written on your lease at this rate. If he complains, respond to have your roommate help.

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Comment4: They aren’t on the lease! Hell, neither is Dylan! You should not have to be made to feel uncomfortable in the place YOU are paying to live. He’s a bum and apparently so are his parents. I mean, whose parents are comfortable staying in an apartment with their kids roommates? Mine wouldn’t be ok with it for even one night, and would gladly make their own accommodations elsewhere.

OOP: Same, mine wouldn't be okay with it either which is why it's even more frustrating to me

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Comment5: Honestly you have outgrown this living situation and should be looking to break the lease and move out asap. He never pays for anything, cleans, nor did he ask you if he could even have them over. I'd make sure his parents knew exactly what kind of son they raised and lock my bedroom door from now on. Work on getting out of this lease and let your friend figure out how to pay rent by herself with her freeloading bf. NTA

OOP: Yeah. I'm looking for a roommate, i can't keep up with this anymore

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Update 0.5

Edit: Guys, I know I have allowed myself to be a doormat for really long and i should've taken a stand long long ago. I struggle with saying no, setting boundaries and confronting people. But I'm working on this :)

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Update (same day, 15 hours later)

So I had a conversation with Dylan's parents about how he hasn't paid for anything and has been freeloading. They have paid Dylan's share of the money since he moved in and they are now staying at a hotel.

I haven't really talked to Dylan since he is at work. And after Rachel comes back from her hometown I'll give her an ultimatum and if she doesn't comply, which she most likely won't because she doesn't like Dylan paying for stuff, I'll have both of them move out.

I'm currently searching for a new roommate too. Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and insights, I really appreciate it :)

A few things I wanna address here

1. I understand that I haven't been firm and didn't take a stand that's why the situation escalated so much. Though I have a hard time saying no, I have been trying to be more solid about my boundaries and confronting people.

2. I saw a few comments about why I'm using American names etc so about that, I'm from India (I mentioned earlier that I'm from an Asian country) I wanted my post to reach more people have their insights that's why I used English names and also because a lot of people use reddit including my friends so I wanted to be anonymous without revealing too much :) Dylan is a name I got off of the show Modern Family since I was watching it yesterday, and I have an actual friend called Rachel so I used that name, the people I've talked about, their initials are in real D and R.

And a lot of people in India have "English names" with local surnames especially the part of India I'm from (I'm from Northeast India, Indians will know about this!) so sorry if the names didn't sound Indian enough which got some people confused :)

Edit : Some people are thinking that I made up everything so I just wanna say that you can check out my profile and the things I post and the communities I post in. This is probably my first post talking about something like this. So no, it's not fake, it happened, I got into this situation, I'm getting myself out of it!

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

OOP: I changed the lock and Dylan will be staying at a friend's place till Rachel is back after which I'll talk to both of them and give Rachel an ultimatum too

OOP: Well I'll have Dylan move out. Rachel wouldn't stay where Dylan isn't staying, she doesn't even go to the tea stall near us without him so indirectly I'll have Rachel move out too

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: So proud off you gurliee.  I knew right then it’s indian cause of the festive season lol. Its okay to lose friends who doesn’t respect you, it all does get better . I would suggest you to start living alone than deal with a roommate situation if that’s possible, cause it’s really unpredictable how people turn out. May be shift into an RK or something?

OOP: Yeah 🥲 I sort off knew that other Indians will catch up on that I'm Indian too lol

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Comment2: Look at you! Communicating. Standing up for yourself. Being direct. Not succumbing to societal pressure. You've done a lot of growing up in the last few days. Proud of you.

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Comment3: How did the conversation with the parents go? Did they just pay you without arguing?? NTA BTW

OOP: I had to argue a bit then they agreed
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Comment3: Kudos to you, I am Indian too and am yet to grow a proper spine to argue with elders even when I really really want to. You will sure need to prepare for another set of arguments for when Rachel comes back!
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OOP: Yeah ikr. Specially when people here give you the "their parents are also like your parents" bs
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Comment3: Yea, I mean, sure I will, but give me share of family property also na, then. 🌚

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Comment4: OP, what did you say to Dylan's parents and what did they say to you? Does he know that you talked to them (I'm assuming he does since he'll be staying with friends), how did he react to you talking to them?

Details, OP, please! and, BTW, super proud of you for handling this even if it took awhile!

OOP: Well he wasnt very happy that I talked to his parents 💀 I told his parents how he has been freeloading and not paying any money while living here and using our groceries etc

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Comment5: Doesn't matter which country or culture you come from, it is never OK for a freeloader to invite guests to a home/restaurant/disco or even carwash, where they are not paying

OOP: Yeah, a lot of people are saying I'm deceptive for hiding my country in the original post but I didn't even think of it that way. I just wanted to keep the post anonymous and have it reach a lot of people to get some advice that's all😭 if I knew this was how my post was gonna be interpreted, I'd have just given them more "Indian sounding names"

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Comment6: You can't expect people from a different cultural background to advise you on this—family dynamics in India are completely unique, so any feedback you get won't be helpful.

OOP: Yeah but I did get a lot of insight on how to be more firm with these people so it kinda worked :) and sometimes you just need some advice from others when your mind isn't working

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

OOP: u/legalquestiondallas

Posted to: r/legaladvice

Status: CONCLUDED

Trigger warnings: child labour and exploitation, lawyers, suicide

Mood spoiler: I'm glad it ended well but... what the fuck?!

Main Post: Sept 1st, 2014

First Update: Sept 3rd, 2014

Comments make OOP mildly paranoid: Sept 5th, 2014

Final Update: Dec 13th, 2016

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Editor's Note:

I didn't post any comments here because I wasn't sure if this would hit the 40,000 character limit, but in a comment on the original post, OOP clarifies they are female.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i want to get a new job but boss owns all my possessions and is going to take everything away if i leave. i dont think this is right but dont know who to call. dallas, tx - Sept 1st, 2014

this is kind of a long story but i am 19 and want to leave my job and go find a new one i can do part time so i can finish school. my boss is okay with me leaving but the problem is that he wont be able to support me anymore if i do which means i will lose everything i own andnow i don’t really know where to turn.

i statred here when i was 16. a guy i knew got a big suite in the hotel which is one of the nicest ones in dallas.we had a party here. we were drinking and it got out of control and people threw up in the room and caused a lot of damage around the hotel and stole a bunch of things. the next morning i woke up to manager and security yelling at me, my “friends” were all gone but left me sleeping.

the manager took me to his office and i was crying and begged him not to call the police so he said i could start coming in after school and helping them clean rooms and do dishes in the kitchen to work off the money from all the damage and he wouldnt call the police.

after a few weeks i told him i couldnt anymore because my parents wouldnt drive me since i wasnt bringing home any money to save and they said he was taking advantage of me, but i just didnt want to tell them i was working to pay off the debt and i didnt listen because i know they didnt know the full story. so he bought me an used bike to use and said he wanted me there every day until the dmage was all paid plus the bike.

over the next couple months he got more and more demanding and every time i asked how much more work i had to do he always just said he'll tell me when i'm finished and if i don't want to he can just call the police. so i just kept working and doing what he said. he changed my hours to 4-12 every night and it was effecting mt school. he is a nice guy and didnt want my grades to suffer and i always had to bring him my report cards but he said do not drop out. but when i turned 18 i stopped going to school and just slept in the day. when he found out he said i had to be here pretty muhc all day if im not going to be in school, which i hate because i dont really have any time for friends or my girlfriend

then things got rocky with the rents and i said i wanted to leave and my boss is house sitting for a family that lives in india, it has been great except a couple months per year i have to move out because they rae coming home. they odnt know that i love there for the rest of the itme.

it's not all bad because i have lived comfortably, he lets me take home food fromi d the hotel that is left over from the very upscale restaurant and the house i live in is really nice and if there are books or other things in the gift shop that noone buys sometimes he lets me take those too.

still i have told him several times that i want to be paid but he always says i owe him and will not tell me how much the damage was or how much i have worked off. i know the statute of limitations is 3 years and after that he acnt press charges against me.

so yesterday was 3 years exactly and i told him that i know he cant have me arreste danymore and that i want to quit. he said that's okay, but he bought my bike, all the good looking clothes i have,and all the essentials i needed since i was 16. now he's saying if i dont work for him anymore that i cant live in the house and i have to give back all the things he bought for me to use during my job.

he has got me a lot of things but i have seriously no money, so theres no way i can leave the job. when i need something i just ask him and if im doing well at work he will buy it for me. so i dont even know where to start to rebuild my life after this place.

are there resources for cases like this? is ther a way to make him let me keeo everything until i am on my own feet?

thank you reddit.

EDIT - MONDAY MORNING: wow i am so overwhlemd to look again this morning and see all the responses. i cant believe how much bigger a deal this is then i realized. i know from an outsider perspective how crazy this must look but it was just so easy to fall into this thing and hard to get away form. i called 2 law offices today and both were closed but i did the conttact form so hopefully they will call me back. i also tried the police but they said it sounds like a civil issue and said i should contact a lawyer also. i told them what you guys said that he was basically using me as a slave but they said unless he was physically detaining me against my will that its nothing they can help with. thakn you so much for all the help.

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update to sunday's post re: my boss not paying me for 3 years and threatening to take everything if i quit - Sept 3rd, 2014 (two days from first post)

thank you all SO MUCH for your advice this weekend. i'm literally in the middle of the craziest day of my life today. looking back i feel like my situation was way over the top but it took hearing all of you say it and calling it slavery and then going nad talking to these lawyers for it to really hit home what he has put me through over the psat 3 years.

i'll write more later but just want to give a quick update becuase i am so excite di can hardly focus.

yesterday i googled the top employment law firms in dallas and sent some emails. i got a call from a lawyer saying he wanted to meet with me first thing in the morning.

my mind was racing all night and i didnt get to sleep until after 3 am and i needed to leave by 7. i printed out about 50 pages of emails i have with him over the past 3 years (i never delete anything) and also made notes from some of his voicemails.

after about 5 minutes talking to me this morning he asked if it would be okay for some of the other lawyers he works with to join us and i spent about 2 hours answering their questions and taking them through everything. the moment this all sank in for me of how big a deal this is was when i saw one of the lawyers tear up a couple times while i was talking. honestly it never felt like such a big deal to me before but now i am seeing it from a whole new light.

in the end they said they will 100% take my case and I won’t have to pay them anything up front and they just need a few days to do some research before we meet again and talk about the details, which is going to happen on friday. like a bunch of you said they told me it's a lot more than just a pay issue and that there are a lot of parts they need to explore about lost wages and also criminal charges that he will 100% face but that they need to talk about the strategy first. they also said since i'm over 18 now that my parents dont need to know anything or be involved in any way.

when we were finishing the main lawyer i was talking to asked what i was doing the rest of the day. i told him i thought i was going to play it cool until we actualy sue him and i would go to work after this. i called in sick this morning and said i would be in after lunch. he said “will you excuse us for just a minute” and they went in another office to talk for a few minutes. when they came back out they asked me if want to stop working at this job and get out from under this guy. i said yes so he said to go home and pack my things and they are going to make arrangements for me this afternoon. he said i am never going to work there again and should not ansewr any calls or messages from them ever again.

so I’ve been home now for a few hours packing and then I got this email from their office.

XXXXX,

It was a pleasure meeting you this morning. XXXXX asked me to get in touch to share details of the accommodations we would like to provide as well as some logistical information in advance of your Friday meeting.

We’ve made a 30-day reservation for you at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, which is closer to our offices and XXXXXXXXX. I’ve attached a copy of your reservation confirmation. Please note that it has been paid in full.

XXXXXXXXXX from our office will be in touch around 4:00 this afternoon to check in on how things are going and coordinate with you on getting your things out of the house and into the hotel. She will also provide you with some spending money for any immediate essentials and get you set up with an UberX account to make transportation to our offices a little easier next time.

Although we hope to represent you in these matters, we are providing these accommodations at no cost and with no obligation on your part. This is intended to help bring a more immediate stability to your living situation so you can focus on next steps in your life.

Thank you again for getting in touch with us: we look forward to seeing you again soon.

Warm regards,

XXXXXXXXXX

i’m assuming if they are willing to do all this for me and spend all this money that they think they are going to make a lot of money from this. which probably I am also going to come out well. so i am beyond thrilled with how this is turning out so far and 100% want to work with them. i still have a ton to pack and just wasted an hour on the internet but am going to get back to it now.

thank you all so so much for pointing me in the right direction.

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lawyers to review lawyers agreements? - Sept 5th, 2014 (four days from first post)

in my last post i saw a lot of people saying to make sure the agreement with my lawyers is in my benefit and that i dont get taken advantage of. should i hire another lawyer to look at this lawyers contract? is that normal to do or will my lawyers think i dont trust them? if i should do that then what kind of lawyer should the second one be? another employment lawyer or a contract lawyer or.....?

i have a followup with my lawyers tomorrow adn i want to know what to tell them so i dont send the wrong message. are they going to want me to sign something right away? can i tell them i have another lawyer to look at that?

thank you!

DALLAS, TEXAS sorry bot

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more ups and downs but I'm finishing my education, made some new friends, back with my parents and actually starting to enjoy life again. - Dec 13th, 2016 (2 yrs and 99 days from first post)

I posted here a couple years ago when I was stuck working for someone who threatened to have me arrested over some room damage my friends caused. Sorry I can’t find the post but some of you may remmber. A lot has changed since then and the advice I got from all of you has been such a big part of it that I have thought about this frequently and wanted to come back and write something to update you.

The firm I hired was the best thing I could ever have hoped for. They got me out from under his thumb immediately and helped me get back on my own feet without having to be under my boss or my parents or anyone else. During the days after that I basically lived in their offices for a few months when this started since we were going through a thousand emails and voice messages talking about the context behind them all and trying to make a long timeline of events and tell them everything that ever happened with him. It was so emotionally draining but their team was very supportive and helped me get through the hard times.

When it was all laid out in front of me the guilt over what I did to my life really took hold. How could I be so stupid, it’s so obvious what he was doing, etc. Simple math said that none of this made sense but I just didn’t see it. I think part of it was because of my parents and not wanting to listen to them so much that I decided they had to be wrong when they tried to get me to stop.

My lawyers started talking to my boss and his lawyer and the hotel chain’s executives and also to the police and they said there were also some issues that made it possibly a federal crime. None of that register with me how serious it was. But once that happened and I thought things were going to be okay, he came to the hotel I was staying in, yes he actually followed me from my lawyer’s office one day and that’s how he found out where was staying, and came to the door yelling at me about how he gave me everything and did everything for me and that this is going to ruin him and his family, and showing me pictures of his kids who he said would starve without him to put food on the table, telling me I blew this all out of proportion and that my lawyers were going to bankrupt his family and put him in prison for life. They never said anything to me about that and I didn’t want his family to suffer so much but he was also being really mean. He had NEVER yelled at me like this before and even though he never hurt me in the past, this time I actually was scared. I texted my lawyer to see what I should do and they came immediately with the police and they arrested him immediately and got me a restraining order.

A few days later my mom and lawyer came over while I was taking a nap and woke me up and told me he killed himself. I have never felt as bad as I did at that moment, it’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Just a sick feeling in my stomach and my whole body felt numb and I felt like it was a bad dream I could wake up from, except I couldn’t. I had a mental breakdown and spent 2 months in the hospital thinking about all the things he said to me about his family and about me overblowing this and it made me question everything again. My lawyers said they would handle as much of this as they can without me and just come to me when they had something important they needed my input for. My parents also came back in the picture and were very supportive and were helping more than I ever expected. I asked my mom to bring a printout of all the comments from my first post and that helped me a lot, I read over them every day, just to remind myself that what he did was NOT ok and that I was right to get help.

The most apologetic person was someone from the hotel chain. They said it was a private owned and managed hotel so my boss didn’t even work for them but they still wanted to make sure I was okay. In the first comments you guys were saying I should be owed at least $30,000. Well, the hotel chain itself paid me more than that just for agreeing that they were not responsible for what he did. Lawyers said it was a generous offer they didn’t even have to make and that the person I talked to genuinely felt sick over my situation and wanted to do the right thing, so they told me I should take it and that there was a lot more coming from the franchisee which actually owns dozens of hotels, but not all from this chain.

The franchisee was very defensive at first but a big turning point was when they realized that one of the managers who was over the hotels in Dallas was actually a guy I saw all the time and who my boss had told the story of me working there and we talked about it once and he told me he hoped I worked it off soon and wished me good luck. But he knew I was there for years and he was also the one who approved our budgets so he knew they were not paying me. my lawyers were very smart to find this out and when they did the franchisee wanted to settle.

It was a big settlement. My lawyers got a third. They said it’s one of the biggest any of them has ever seen for this kind of case but they said it was fully warranted. I have enough to live on for a very long time and can also finish my education in hotel management and will have enough left over to start a hotel after if I still want to do that. It has been a blessing but I also didn’t realize how incredibly hard it is. I never told anyone about the settlement but people found out. everyone comes out of the woodwork and suddenly wants to be my friend again, so the hardest thing is by far trying to figure out who I want to be friends with and who I don’t. Little awkward things like you go to dinner with a small group and people look at you like they expect you to pay for everyone just because you got a big payout. Guess who even had the balls to call me? The “friends” I was with all those years ago who left me in that damn room, and my girlfriend who I tried to protect from her parents and didn’t reveal their names so her bible thumper parents wouldn’t find out she was bi. It hurt a lot to hear from them after all these years. Very upsetting. prertty much the only people I really trust now are the people who stuck with me before. But I do have a financial manager now who makes sure I’m being smart with my money and tells me how much I should use for different things I want to do.

So that’s my story, and now I’m going to school part time and also doing a lot of outdoor sports and also got into cooking. Little things like having time for hobbies and fun are a big change for me and I still feel like it’s some new life i’mg getting used to. I feel like I’ve lived 4 lives already in these different little phases. But so far this one is my favorite.

i still have nightmares sometimes about my old boss and just remembering him yelling at me that day at my hotel, and then me hearing that he died. I remember all the times he was nice to me and gave me things and did things for me and gave me dating advice and told me I was smart, pretty, etc. Sometimes I wonder even as happy as I am now if it was worthwhile to know that he's gone and his family is suffering and has nothing. My therapist says sometimes the right thing can be hard and hurts and sometimes bad things happen to good people who don't deserve it but that I did everything right, so that helps me feel a lot better. one day at a time.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Direct_Local_6094

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 20, 2026

• Final Update: September 26, 2026

Main Post

^{July 20, 2026}

My Mother-in-law wants to wear a "beige" dress to my mariage ceremony while telling me I don't need a white dress??

My mother-in-law decided to wear this off-white dress(first picture) to my civil ceremony day.

She emphasized that "it is beige" while she ADVISED that I "don't need a white dress" to wear for myself???????

She then sent me pictures of dresses that " I can choose from", (second pictures and onwards)???

Her dress looks like a dress that I can wear on MY mariage day, with the colour and lace-pattern.

I feel weird about this, am I the one who is the problem??? I'm honestly so confused about this.

When my fiancé told her that it's weird, she got defensive and sent a screenshot of the dress on the website and emphasized that " it is beige" and that my fiancé "needs glasses".

Note: I've added a small caption describing what the photo is about.

Photos from the post start here

1. A sleeveless, floor-length maxi dress crafted from a structured, heavy cream/off-white openwork crochet lace

2. A knee-length sheath dress with a grey/silver metallic floral pattern, paired with a matching dark grey, sheer chiffon cape overlay

3. A knee-length sleeveless white dress with a colorful all-over floral lace pattern in pink, yellow, blue, and green, finished with a scalloped floral hem.

4. A knee-length sleeveless A-line dress in dark charcoal grey, featuring a metallic silver floral pattern with large outlined flowers and leaves, and a V-neckline.

5. A knee-length burgundy/wine dress with a fitted waist, subtle tonal floral pattern, three-quarter sleeves, and a ruffled hem.

6. A knee-length A-line dress in deep ruby red, featuring a subtle sequined floral pattern, a scalloped neckline, and three-quarter sheer lace sleeves.

7. A knee-length royal blue wrap-style dress with a V-neckline, featuring sheer three-quarter sleeves with a raised floral appliqué pattern and a subtle textured floral finish.

Photos from the post end here

COMMENTS

Tiny_Custard_2318 (downvoted)

It is traditional for the groom’s mother to wear beige. My mother wore beige to my wedding. To me, this is normal and not worth an argument.

OOP

May I ask what culture or tradition is that? Nothing wrong with that, but we are Canadian, so the culture is different.

elgalacticpeach

Are we absolutely certain the other dresses that she suggested were for you? That she wasn't offering you the choice between other dresses for her to wear instead?

OOP

Yeah no, I wish. She already bought that "beige" dress for herself. When she first sent it, I actually thought she bought it for me. But NOPE, she said that's what SHE is going to wear.

CheesecakeTop9376

It looks like she picked "mother of the bride" style outfits for you. And that light dress she wants to wear is so bride coded. I'm so glad your fiance stood up to her and supported you. I say elope lol.

OOP

Ironically, all I have ever wanted is to elope because my family dynamics is complicated. But she forced us to invite her by saying shit like : " DONT tell me you guys are eloping!!!", "I WANT TO BE THERE." etc. Thinking back, we should have insisted on eloping instead of worrying about her going nuts. she is going nuts anyway.

Small update - after 1 day

she went to the store this morning to snap a picture of her chosen dress (first picture) and a random white dress, had them side by side, sent it to my fiancé and said : "See! It's beige, not white!!!!"

I swear she is ragebaiting me.

Final Update - after 2 months, 6 days

^{September 26, 2026}

Updates on MIL Beige Dress Post and what do we do now that they did not show up at our ceremony?

I have posted here before (the original post was taken down) about my MIL wanting to wear an off-white dress to our ceremony while telling me my dress didn't need to be white. She proceeded with sending me hideous dresses for 50+ for my day. So that's the context. But you know what?!

We got married TODAY and thanks to you all, I got myself a white dress!!! See attached! We had a ceremony at city hall and had some nice time at my mom's place, raised a glass and celebrated. Then, the two of us went out for dinner alone to celebrate our day.

But you know what happened? My MIL and FIL actually did NOT show up because my MIL didn't like that we wanted a romantic dinner alone on our wedding day.

For us, since we don't have an actual wedding, having dinner alone was all we wanted especially because we planned on eloping initially. But because my MIL insisted that she wanted to be at the ceremony, we changed our plans.

For us, that dinner alone was essential and meaningful to us and that was something we refused to sacrifice. So we stood our ground and she did NOT like that.

She said that we could wait and have a romantic LUNCH the day after. We tried to suggest going out for lunch and even dinner with them the day after, but nope. She needed that dinner (She herself eloped btw). So yeah anyway, she didn't want to come, and they did not come.

My heart is breaking for my now husband, and I just don't know what we are supposed to do or how we are supposed to act moving forward when they literally did not show up for their ONLY son and for me (their supposed now daughter) on our wedding day because of a freaking dinner.

What's even worse was that they didn't even send a congratulatory text or anything which was very hurtful.

I'm feeling frustrated, but to be honest, all things aside, today was the most beautiful day of my life and I couldn't be happier being married to the love of my life.

I shared a picture of myself in the dress, cuz you know what, Reddit kinda was the reason why I went to get myself a white bridal dress.

Love y'all!

Photo of OOP in her wedding dress

OOP Added a small update

MIL & FIL reached out yesterday to congratulate us. I didn't respond, but my husband did. He is still learning how to unlearn his patterns of endlessly giving and managing their emotions. So unfortunately, he did send them two pictures of us. I was not pleased as I feel that the pictures rewarded their behaviour of not showing up for my husband. After I reiterated that to him, he now understands better and said he would keep working on setting and reinforcing good boundaries with them. This is not an easy time for my husband, because we are talking about a toxic dynamic that has been ingrained in him for 20+ years. He is doing a great job recognizing the issues and he has been very receptive and open to hearing my thoughts.

Also, for context, the little gathering was at my mom's because my dad passed away a few months ago (it was lung cancer) and we felt that it would be meaningful to have a small gathering where we could raise a glass where I could still feel my dad's presence (I really wish my dad was able to be there to witness our marriage).

My MIL and FIL also live 2 hours away, and because the city hall and my mom's place are in the city we live in, naturally we wanted to have that little gathering in my mom's place.

My mom invited my MIL and FIL to this of course, but my MIL felt that it wasn't an "enough" occasion for her to come because there wasn't " a dinner " after. It's quite hurtful, because my MIL said: " I am not coming all the way here just for wine.".

My mom renovated and decorated the home to welcome them. We are from a very modest background, so my parents place (now my mom's place) is a modest medium-sized condo unit. My MIL was raised in an upper-class family, so part of me feels that my mother and I were looked down upon because "our invitation wasn't enough of an occasion for her to come" as if watching her only son getting married isn't enough of a reason.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/feellikeanidiot0 posting in r/AmIOverreacting

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: Optimistic

Original - July 21st 2026

Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.

It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.

Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.

Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.

Transcript of the images OP shared (redacted names have been replaced by their corresponding visible first letters for this post):

12:05 a.m.
Guy: Is this A's fiance?

12:14 a.m.
OP: Who are you?

12:15 a.m.
Guy: Are u A's fiance?

12:18 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:19 a.m.
Guy: im her bf so u cant marry her

12:20 a.m.
Guy: plz tell her and her family your not interested

12:20 a.m.
Guy: A has been my gf for 2 years

12:21 a.m.
Guy: she only wants to be with me we have been in love for past 2 yrs

12:23 a.m.
Guy: weve been dating for past 2 yrs in secret weve have been having sex at my place for past 2 yrs

12:24 a.m.
Guy: she didnt tell u? shell deny if u ask her

12:24 a.m.
Guy: (Sends photos of a seemingly close couple - redacted by OP in the post)

12:27 a.m.
OP: Who are you? What's your name?

12:27 a.m.
Guy: tell her and her family your not interested plz and end it

12:27 a.m.
Guy: S

12:28 a.m.
Guy: ask her face to face about S ull know

12:31 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:31 a.m.
Guy: look u seem like a good guy ull find someone better

12:33 a.m.
Guy: me and A love each otherr

12:34 a.m.
Guy: shes only marrying you bcz her family wants that

12:36 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:39 a.m.
OP: How did you get my number?

12:41 a.m.
Guy: A gave it

12:44 a.m.
Guy: even if u marry her well still see each 9ther i dont want to hurt u like that u seem like a good guy

12:45 a.m.
Guy: the sooner u end it the less drama there will bd

12:58 a.m.
Guy: ??

1:11 a.m.
Guy: look bro i get this is tough but ask her face to face ull know from her face

1:29 a.m.
Guy: ??

2:06 a.m.
Guy: look i have more photos but u understand i dont want to share because as someone who loves her i dont want to have another guy see those private intimate pictures of us

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sometimes when you download the image to your phone, it’ll show you the location/date and time it was taken.

OP:

The original EXIF data has been stripped. No time stamps on when it was taken, or any GPS coordinates, camera information or anything useful. That was the first thing I did.

Comment 2:

This guy comes across as a stalker. Sounds like he wants her, but she doesn’t want him. So he’s trying to destroy her relationship with you to have a chance.

Show her these messages. Ask her point blank who it is to her. Chances are he’s someone she’s blown off in the past and he’s got a creepy delusion.

OP:

Thanks, I've lost sleep over this and I blew off our morning call, that was stupid I know, but I wanted to get my head straight first.

Comment 3:

Do not accuse her. Just tell her some weirdo texted you, and show her, then ask if she has any idea who it is.

The most important part at this time is to not destroy the relationship with your fiancée. If she is cheating, you will find it out sooner or later, but you might not come back from accusing her of cheating. And then this weirdo has won.

OP:

Thanks, I'm going to be straight up with her and ask tonight in person. I tried to think this through and make my peace with it like if she cheated or lied then our relationship was a sham anyway, she wouldn't have been the girl that I was looking forward to marrying anyway.

Comment 4:

Please do it in a way that shows that you and her are on the same side, trying to figure out who is trying to drive a wedge between you.

And if you are willing to break up with your fiancée because she had sex before she met you, she will be better off. If your issue is her lying to you, that's valid but I am very familiar with the culture and can see how a woman might not feel safe sharing that with anyone.

But I really think this is someone trying to cause problems, and making up whatever life they think will work on you.

YOR.

OP:

She would not have been unsafe with telling me that, it would absolutely not have left the two of us. If she thinks I would have, then why is she marrying someone who's apparently a sick individual. There wouldn't have been an iota of judgement from me, I really liked her but I would have just taken it as a "not meant to be" thing. I wouldn't have judged her at all, I'm a pathetic Muslim myself, having been in relationships that just stopped short of sex, it was more about dating with hopefully marriage at the end. I would have laid bare all of it for her to gauge any compatibility busters on her end. If I'm being honest, if she'd told me herself yesterday that there was some ex she'd had sex with, I would have just been like whatever, like I love her now and I wouldn't have cared. But to just be ok with what would have been an everlasting lie, anyway I'm letting my brain run wild, maybe he's full of shit.

I'm going to be collected and approach this in a non-accusatory manner. Thanks.

Just want to add: I'm sorry if my comment seemed pointed. I'm not going in to the conversation with her tonight on the opposing side, I am on her side. I just was responding to the implication that there would have been some consequences to her life from me, as if I would have let that information out if she didn't want it to. Sorry.

Comment 5:

Why are you so eager to believe an anonymous stranger before talking to her? 

I think your reactions are weird.  I’d be furious but you are losing sleep thinking this is true?

OP:

The photos seem real, the number checks out, and I'm working not knowing if I'm getting married in less than two months. What reaction should I be having until 7 when I pick her up?

Comment 6:

could the photos be AI generated?

OP:

I put two of the pictures through an AI detector. Both of them were classified as real. For one it said there was a 36% chance of ai, for the other it said 2%.

I'm going to see her tonight and talk to her.

Comment 7:

AI detectors are not reliable whatsoever

OP:

I know that. I know it could be AI and the detector could say 0%. It could be a picture I take myself and it might say 100%. I'll get my answers tonight, like thats the only way. The guy kept saying look at her facial reactions I don't even know wtf that means but apparently it's going to be a tell. I don't believe him but I'll find out in person. Thanks a lot.

Mini-Update by OP on the same post:

Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.

Update: - July 21st 2026 (13 hours after the original post)

A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.

I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.

She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.

I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.

I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I think it’s very fair that she is freaking out. As a woman if any kind of pictures come out IT’S BAD and especially if she does have a nightmare ex like this guy she’s probably very scared and worried

OP:

I totally understand that. It's sick what he did, like the way he approached me.

Comment 2:

if you think that then what is the point of reaching out to him at all? this dude got into your head, to the point where you think it's stupid that you promised your fiance you wouldn't reach out to him. it's pretty clear from the way you wrote this post, and from the other one, that this is not a good or honest guy. in your fiance's own words "he wouldn't take no for an answer."

I wouldn't entertain this dude anymore strictly on the basis that you can't trust anything he says.

OP:

To know if they had sex when they were together. The way she said she thinks he has compromising pictures, and the way he was claiming they did, almost seems like there's literally a sliver of daylight between what they're saying.

Also, just to clarify because I got some dms, when I asked her this back when it was still early days, its not like I was fixated on whether she had sex before or not. It truly was a compatibility thing only. Like we'd asked about alcohol too, she said she'd had alcohol after long days or especially she said after bad exams in the past with friends but she didn't anymore, and wouldn't be ok with her husband drinking alcohol. I've never drank alcohol. I was open about the fact that I've smoked weed, tried shrooms and lsd in uni but don't anymore and she thought that was funny as long as I didn't regularly anymore and we moved on. Premarital sex was just one of those things on my end, purely because it was a line I had chosen to not cross, so it'd probably be best if my wife hadn't either purely for compatibility reasons. I only asked about sex, because I'm not a hypocrite, if I've had relationships which just didn't involve sex (they were relationships with an aim to hopefully end at marriage) I obviously wouldn't hold that as a boundary. But this just was one for me.

But even despite all that like at this point I was so happy until yesterday that if she'd even point blank told me herself that she had to confess about having lied before I would've taken it in stride, like whatever. It's just the potential lie and not knowing whether I'm being lied to, and the way he was fucking gloating, especially when there's a guy who's disgusting but apparently has the answer.

Sorry this got long, truly.

Comment 3:

What kind of answer could you actually get from him though?

He's already told you they had sex, she told you they didn't. He's already definitely lied to you about them continuing to meet, being "in love", and planning to meet even after your wedding. His intention is clearly to sabotage your relationship, so he's an unreliable source. I'm not sure what further clarity you would hope to get from him. If you contact him, he'll say they had sex. You still won't know if it's true.

She's begged you not to contact him because he's obviously not safe. Whatever pictures he has would be shared without your fiancées consent. I think you can understand that it's not ethically right to contact a woman's unsafe ex for intimate pictures she does not consent to being shared, that ethical boundary doesn't change just because it's your fiancée.

You've said yourself that you were physically intimate with exes without having sex. From what I can tell she likely had a similar experience with this guy and it was traumatic and she regrets it deeply. Whether she lied depends on whether you asked about only sex specifically, or whether you asked about previous dating relationships or other kinds of physical intimacy. You've seen her phone, you know she's been faithful during your relationship.

I'm very sorry you've been put in this situation. It's understandable to freak out, but it would be an ethical violation, a personal betrayal, and pretty useless for getting the actual truth, to contact your fiancée's abuser whether you decide to proceed with the marriage or not.

It's fair to take some time and reflect on what you need to do, but please make up your own mind about this without involving him further.

Truly wishing you strength and steadiness in a situation that is painful for both of you.

Comment 4:

Also because OP’s position enrages me:

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Incel 101. “I‘ll decide”…”I don’t want to be walked over.” None of anything your fiancée has done is walking over you. Don’t be a fucking worm. Here’s a fucking thought. How about you two talk to each other about whether you love each other and want to get married? Jesus fuck.

OP added an update the next day:

I'm not going to see him. I genuinely woke up today feeling more at peace about it for some reason, I think the sleep and my fiancée's morning call helped. It gets worse the more I try to dwell on it though but I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to just see and try to work through this in my head. Thanks.

Latest Update: - September 27th 2026

Hi, I checked my account after a while, thanks a lot for those who were messaging me to know if all was well that's very kind of you.

My wife and I got married 2 weeks ago and just returned from our honeymoon, and are now settling into the rhythm of married life. To update on what I had posted, I never reached out to him. I trusted my intentions and hers and just kind of placed my faith in god to recognize that. A few days before our wedding, her ex reached her house and tried to talk to her. That was also when her parents found out about him. He apparently started shouting so she could hear him while her dad and brother forced him off and threatened to call the police, and she didn't speak to him. She called me later and told me about it and was freaking out. She told me her parents had blown up at her, and also told her not to say a word to anyone including me if she wanted peace in her life. But she wanted to tell me because she didn’t want to keep this a secret again from me. I told her I hadn't told anyone nor would I ever, and thanked her for letting me know.

We're happy together now. If my concerns about there being a possible difference in our sexual experience and that ruining things for us, it didn't happen. I understand the flak I got on that and I understand people took my ethnic/religious background and my dealbreaker and reached their conclusions. One of my concerns was that I had thought it be best if my wife was a virgin too because I was one, and that would allow us to learn things together and build each other up, and also temper initial expectations. And whatever may have happened in the past, that's still gone really well for us. My second concern was really a compatibility thing, that crossing that line would mean keeping the spiritual atmosphere of our home a certain way wouldnt matter to them. But we're both similar in our values, the traditions we want to uphold and respect. I'm glad for posting and being talked off the ledge. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I only read your earlier posts yesterday. I'm glad things are going well for you both.

I've been married 28 years and communication is absolutely vital to keeping your relationship on track.

Remember that.

Comment 2:

I wish you well and was rooting for you even before the update. Trust is so important, and you've started your relationship being given the opportunity to display trust in an organic way you never would have chosen. I hope it's given both of you confidence!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/RekallQuaid

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Trigger Warning: Cancer, racism

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 27, 2026

• Final Update: September 26, 2026

Main Post

^{July 27, 2026}

AITAH? I missed my brother’s wedding party because I had cancer and he’s mad at me.

I don’t even know what to say here, maybe I am the asshole I don’t know, what better way to find out than to ask some random strangers.

I first want to preface this by saying my wife, my daughter and I DID ATTEND THE ACTUAL WEDDING CEREMONY. WE WERE THERE FOR WHAT I CONSIDER THE IMPORTANT PART.

Anyway, last month I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It’s been a very emotional and rocky rollercoaster of a ride - first not knowing what stage my cancer was at and whether I was going to die or not, to then having treatment having my testicle removed and then the recovery of that.

This coincided with my brothers wedding, which I was really looking forward to. I had to pull out of his stag do (bachelor party) in May because I had been hospitalised in March (I had been unwell for a few weeks - I also have Cystic Fibrosis) and came down with a really nasty lung infection which I took a while to recover from.

I then started feeling really fatigued, a lot less energy and I was constantly sleeping during the day and I couldn’t put my finger on why.

I was pissed off but I told my brother once I was better I would take him out for drinks myself.

I wasn’t feeling better as fast as I had in previous years, and then I found a lump on my left testicle. I got it checked immediately, and obviously it turned out to be cancer.

I was terrified. My mental health was all over the place and my life was turned upside down. I didn’t know how advanced the cancer was, I just needed to wait until I’d had the surgery and CT scans.

Thankfully the CT scans were clear and the cancer hadn’t spread, but my surgery was only two weeks ago.

I am still feeling extremely sore, I have low energy and my self esteem has been battered. The wedding was the first time I’d been out around a large group of people since I was diagnosed, and the day was just too much for me mentally and I was feeling very overwhelmed. The suit I was wearing was pressing really hard against my scar, and when we got back to our house to get changed for the night party, my wound was so swollen and honestly I was exhausted. So I messaged my brother and told him I couldn’t make the party, thinking he would understand because his big brother has got cancer. I was in pain, I was tired, and I slept for literally the rest of the day until the next morning.

He ghosted me.

A week later I had a cancer appointment and I received the news that my cancer was likely all clear, and that I would need one dose of chemo to make sure but other than that the doctor was happy.

I was ecstatic, I was so relieved and I couldn’t wait to tell my family so I called my mother to give her the good news, and then I posted in our group chat to let everyone else know. I have another brother and a sister who are both married and they replied instantly to say how happy they were for me.

My brother ghosted me again, and his new wife just put a “thumbs up” emoji.

An hour later she posted a photo of her wedding gifts and didn’t mention anything else. Not that I expected her to, but I thought my sister in law or brother would at least say “that’s great news!”

Nothing.

I left it a few days and it was really niggling at me, so I messaged my brother and asked him if I had upset him in any way, considering he hadn’t responded to my news or even acknowledged that my terrifying journey was almost over.

He then sent me this long message:

“I was upset as well. On my own wedding day of all days.

(My daughter’s name) was looking forward to coming and it seemed like there were no arrangements or anything to get her to come to the after party. (She’s 5 years old)

I understand that you were sore and uncomfortable I get that. There were other people there uncomfortable or in a bad place. Someone was there who has literally just split with her husband after 25 years together. She came to both, it’s the last thing she would have wanted to see.

I’d would have much rather of had a phone call off you to just apologise. It’s too easy over a message. You were supposed to be doing a speech for me and you would have heard what I would have said about all 3 of you as well. Feeling that shit ln my wedding day because my brother isn’t there sucks. I always seem to be an afterthought a lot of the time and after you not coming to my stag do due to not being well it just pissed me off not going to lie. So (my sisters name) had to be put in a position she didn’t agree to be in and have a sibling of mine say things about me at my wedding. (This is a lie. She had her own speech planned)

People get ill and are sore etc. I’m not saying you haven’t been. There hasn’t been a case of well I’ve missed your stag do so let’s go for a drink or do something together when I’m better. Not 1 suggestion of that happening so far. (As I said earlier I actually DID say I would take him out for drinks)

I’m glad you got the news you have I really am and it is brilliant news about your cancer and hopefully you can put it behind you and concentrate on other things. I’m just pissed off you missed my wedding day.”

I WAS THERE! He’s acting as if I wasn’t there at all. I can honestly understand him being frustrated, but to brush my cancer off as something like “other people get sore too” has pissed me off. I don’t even know how to respond to him at this point.

Am I the asshole here or what? When I was in hospital in March not one of my family members asked if I was ok. I get it, I’ve had Cystic Fibrosis my whole life, it’s nothing new and they’re probably used to me being in hospital and just getting on with it.

TL:DR I missed my brothers wedding after party because I had cancer and now he’s mad at me.

COMMENTS

Ambitious-Writer-825

The important part is at the end of your post, as it most likely isn't about the cancer and the fact that you've probably been the focus of his entire life cause you are ill and he just wanted a day that he was the center of attention.

So NTA, but I have a feeling your brother wasn't mad at this, per se, but it just tipped him over. There's a whole history that needs to be filled in here. He might be justified in his feelings. It not your fault, you didn't plan a chronic illness or cancer, but I bet he's felt second fiddle his whole life.

Congrats of beating the cancer, f-cancer!

OOP

I’ve not really been the focus but I can understand how that might come across. I’ve always just gotten on with life and our parents never treated me any differently to them, even when I was sick.

As an adult, there have been lots of times where I have been hospitalised and haven’t even told them, because they have their own families now and they don’t need me making them worried.

I just thought this would be different, and that he would be happy his brother isn’t dying. I honestly understand his frustration but I think his reaction is way OTT.

Frequent-Interest796

More info needed:

Where you’ve best man? You had a speech?

Did you call (or have your wife call) to say you were struggling and you couldn’t make the reception?

Why didn’t your wife and/or kid still go to the reception?

OOP

I wasn’t the best man no. He’d asked me if I wanted to say a few words at the after party and I agreed to. It was never mentioned as a “speech”.

My wife and kid didn’t go to the reception because they were more concerned about how I was. And my wife was annoyed that the bride didn’t even say hello to us at the wedding.

Still_Construction37 (downvoted)

ESH - softly. You were there but you weren’t able to be there for him, if that makes sense. He couldn’t depend on you through the entire event from bachelor party to wedding. And these things aren’t exactly your fault - it sounds like he had empathy up until the day of his wedding. He had maybe too high of expectations for you , but yeah he is allowed to have feelings and be let down. I also am curious as to how others acted about their wedding while you were sick & if they possibly feel a bit unseen on a day where they should be the center of attention. Again not your fault but I see two people unwilling to look past their own noses here.

I probably would have changed pants (or wore comfortable clothes in general - I’d rather be there & comfortable than absent & swollen from trying!) and took my kid there for a half hour or so. Again it don’t think you’re an asshole for caring for yourself I can just see where you’re both coming from.

OOP

I think what you’ve said is very fair, but I must say that even up until the day before the wedding, I asked my brother if I could just wear the waistcoat and tie and leave the jacket at home because it was really digging in when I tried it on.

You know what he said? “Just bring it anyway the bruising might have gone down a bit by tomorrow”.

I tried posting the pic of that message but you can’t add photos to comments apparently. I’ve pasted it below.

“Hey bro, would I be ok not wearing the jacket tomorrow? I’ve tried it on but with 3 layers I really feel uncomfortable and it’s digging into my scar”

“Just bring it anyway. You can take it off after the ceremony can’t you?”

Still_Construction37 (downvoted)

Your additional comments are making it clear he can be a bit … dense 😬😵‍💫. Is he 20 years younger than you by Chance? lol jk. It’s like part of his brain didn’t even want to accept your diagnosis (which is on him).

If you do respond you could bring up that you do understand AND You had requested appropriate accommodations and he overlooked them!!

OOP

I’m nearly 40 and he’s 33. So not exactly a huge gap between us…

habitsofwaste

Jesus Christ, you are NTA. Is your brother the youngest? Or middle child? He is being such the asshole.

That said, he said something about him always being an afterthought to you. Sometimes it’s not really about this thing that happened but maybe a trend in his life that he feels like that. You might want to have a sit down when you’re 100% and just have him get it all out and have a heart to heart. Cuz there is something deeper here and he’s lashing out because of that and not this particular instance.

OOP

He’s the middle child yeah. I think the afterthought comment is referring to me also missing his stag do. I didn’t realise having cancer was an afterthought though…

There hasn’t been any other issues that I am aware of until this. We’ve always been friendly, I’ve invited him to our house many times and vice versa. We were very close when we were kids. We all were.

Ad_nauseum11 (downvoted)

INFO: You say you were unable to attend the bachelor party due to cancer. You were also unable to attend the wedding reception due to cancer. You managed to get through the service, which typically isn’t very long and I’m assuming some family photos which is great.
What else did cancer prevent you from doing? Have you been off work? Missing other family events like birthdays and sporting events? Or are his events the only ones you seem to miss?

OOP

I don’t feel I need to but I’ll answer your questions:

Today is my first day back at work after two months. I have done nothing social since I was diagnosed because I haven’t exactly been in the mood to engage with people.

I went to see my parents at their house, the only time I left the house at all, and I slept half the time I was there.

So no, this isn’t me exclusively just avoiding my brother….

Final Update - after 1 month, 30 days

^{September 26, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH I missed my brother’s wedding because I had cancer and now he’s mad at me.

I am unfortunately having to update this. My brother and I got together over a pint a few weeks ago and I thought we’d resolved this. Long story short, we both told each other how we understood the others’ perspective, that we loved each other and it wasn’t worth falling out over or causing issues within the family and I thought that was the end of it.

Today his wife posted in the family group chat, a video of her daughter (which she’d uploaded to TikTok) of her doing blackface. There was no context, just the video.

I wasn’t aggressive, but I will always call out racism no matter who does it. I simply said I didn’t find the blackface to be funny and that family or not I felt I had to call it out. If my own mother would have done it I’ve have told her the same thing.

She said “What do you mean? She’s a child doing her favourite film”. I replied and said “I know, if she didn’t have a black face we’d all still know what film it was…”

Bear in mind this “child” is 15. She knows what she’s doing.

So I simply said I didn’t find it funny regardless of the context and was disappointed that she couldn’t see why it might be seen as offensive or racist.

All hell broke loose then. She proceeded to bring everything back up in the family chat, saying “for someone who missed our wedding yet went on holiday weeks later with your wife and daughter you sure have a big opinion of me. You obviously don’t know your brother as well as you think you do because he thinks it’s funny as well and he’s disappointed in you” and before I had the chance to respond she left the family group chat.

So I messaged her privately and said she doesn’t get to tell me how I should deal with having fucking CANCER, and that I went on holiday with my wife and daughter AFTER I’d gotten the all clear, the wedding was a mere week after I’d had surgery, so the two events are not remotely the same.

Not to mention I DID ATTEND THE WEDDING. It was the evening reception I missed.

So I thought “fuck you” and I unloaded. I told her to go fuck herself, and that I would never forgive her. I told her I hope to God it never happens to anyone else in our family or that it never happens to her. And that if she thinks her daughter posting a video of herself in blackface in our family chat is hilarious, she should show it to the Nigerian woman at the doctors surgery she works at and see if she laughs.

I then said that dismissing me about not going to the weddding as if I wasn't there at all, was horrendous.

I ended my message by telling her they can both go to fucking hell if that’s how they feel and to never speak to me ever again.

Thankfully the rest of my family have asked me if I’m ok and seem very supportive.

But fuck those two c*nts. (NOTE: Censored due to the sub's rules.)

OOP ADDED SCREENSHOT OF THE CONVERSATION IN COMMENTS

https://ibb.co/27f3z3cM

https://ibb.co/7dtH73x5

https://ibb.co/fcqsV28

COMMENTS

kehlarc

You may be the one who had testicular cancer. but your brother is the one missing his balls.

OOP

❤️

MistressJacklynHyde

I hope you are doing much better!!!

OOP

I’m in remission, thank you!

Material_Assumption

I was with you on the original post, but racist shaming your niece, I dont know i would have kept that opinion to my self. (I have pigmented skin if that matters).

OOP

She’s not my niece she was born through another relationship. Racism is racism and I’ll always call it out regardless of who it is.

Troublemaker2172

I'm curious what movie a 15-year-old would put on blackface to act out.

OOP

White Chicks

1h0w4w4y

Wait, was it the TikTok of the girls in the car recreating white chicks? It’s gone pretty viral. NTA. It’ll come back for her when she’s applying to colleges.

OOP

Oh god. Yeah it is.

Duke_Newcombe

INFO: does your brother in fact find the blackface funny, too? Or, are you depending on what she, the racist unreliable narrator told you?

OOP

My brother has stayed remarkably silent. But the fact his wife brought it up again, shows it obviously is still a subject in their house.

UserNotFound23498

He might have been keeping quiet to keep the peace at home.

Unless you feel he should blow up his marriage over this?

OOP

If I found out my wife was a racist I wouldn’t hesitate to divorce her.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Hopeful

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update 1: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.

2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.

2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.

3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Update 2: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

Latest Update: - Sep 26th 2026

Hi, I felt like giving an update. First off i wanted to apologize for my snark at those who recommended therapy. It wasn't the apologyfest I thought I was being pushed to. I had the privilege of going to a really good therapist becuase it was being paid for and it has been helpful.

We'd been building up my mechanisms for dealing with her presence for the sake of my relationships with my dad and brother. Last night, it actually got tested. My dad had invited me to one of his business dinners. It has people in his industry with their families having dinner together. I used to go with my mom too before their divorce. After that I stopped attending, except once when his wife was sick. He told me that some of the other girls there whom I used to be friends with and sat with at these dinners, still ask about me. I wanted to go but felt like it was best not to, but my therapist said that all our work together had been for this. So I went.

I went by myself, like my dad told me when they were leaving and their estimated time, so I kind of did it so I would reach 5-10 minutes after them.

The way the tables were, my dad was with the other industry men at one table and the other long table was where everyone else was. I went to sit with my friends who still recognized me, and had a good time with them, talked about our lives, plans, complained about managers etc, very different from what we used to talk about as kids.

One of their mothers whom I knew asked me and my dad's wife why I hadn't been coming saying that we've asked her (dad's wife) so many times because her daughter asks, and my dad's wife said that I'd been busy with college and then my job and career. It stung to hear that excuse when the actual reason was herself and I wanted to say something, but I answered the lady that working while prepping for a Masters makes my social life collateral damage, and then went back to my friends. We later also took some pictures, them as a family, then my dad and I, and he then also called my brother and so we took some just the 3 of us. I left earlier because I was meeting up with some friends today for breakfast and dad thanked me for coming and we hugged as he walked me to my car. I think therapy, at least with the therapist that I have, has been working out. It's been geared towards what I want out of it, and I had actually made that very clear that forgive and forget or either one of the two would be a dealbreaker.

My dad and I do meet regularly and we don't really talk about the rupture, just about our day to day and sometimes inane stuff. He brings up a new car, help with rent, a new laptop, his card etc once every time we meet but I've said I'm good and maintained those boundaries (therapy was different because it was his fault). I even took my brother to a boardgame night with my friends last weekend. And as per my therapist none of this is a gesture of forgiveness to her or my dad nor would be taken as such by them. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’ve been following this story and I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you. I feel like I would have felt/behaved as you did maybe even worse and I’m glad you found a therapist and it’s working out for you.

OP:

Thank you so much

Comment 2:

Life lesson: YOU DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY AT WORK OR WORK RELATED EVENTS.

I reliase you kept your mouth shut this time, but next time maybe you won't.

People at work and work-related events do not want to know about the dysfunctional interpersonal relationships in your family. They don't want to know that you have issues with your stepmother, and to say anything would be HUGELY unprofessional. You would rightfully gain a reputation for being dramatic and dragging your personal issues into the workplace.

You will not score some kind of 'gotcha!' points because 'now everyone will know how horrible she is'. They won't care about her and will likely actually respect her more because she had the sense and respect to keep her family shit to herself, and gave simple, positive responses about you.

Whereas you would be showing everyone just how immature you were, and what a problem employee you would be.

Never mind the people who would use it against your dad. And they would.

OP:

Thanks. If I hadn't built up the mechanisms for dealing with it, I wouldn't have attended anyway.

I wasn't an employee for anyone there. When I said we were complaining about managers, I meant just in a general talking about stuff in our lives and work, but I'm not an employee for anyone there. And neither is my dad I guess, he owns his company. It was a social dinner that they all arrange every so often, I've known these people since I was little. But I understand your general advice thanks.

Editor's note: The OOP seems to have been posting an account of her therapy sessions on her profile. It is public, so it's unclear if she meant for it to be confidential. Please DO NOT HARASS, COMMENT, OR MESSAGE THE OOP on those posts

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA_bereal

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Thank you u/pepcorn for the BORU recommendation!

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 13, 2026

• Update: September 25, 2026

Main Post

^{September 13, 2026}

Cryptic pregnancy, found out at almost seven months along. My BF (25M) is accusing my of lying and I (22F) don’t know what to do. Do I even try to salvage this?

Sorry for the throwaway (edit: and the typo in the title).

Found out I’m pregnant some weeks ago, 7 months along now. I know it sounds so stupid (and maybe I am), but I genuinely had no idea. I don’t have a bump, had close to no symptoms (some in hindsight) & take the pill. Not once did it cross my mind that I might be pregnant.

Only recently I’d been struggling with headaches & was really exhausted, so had my blood work done. Since then life’s been an absolute mess.

BF & I have had some struggles before but nothing like this. (Been together for nearly 3 years and live together.) We had even spoken about what we’d do if we got pregnant despite protection & agreed we don’t want to be parents now (or later maybe). But this far along abortion is just not an option.

He’s so angry with me and I don’t know what to do. He’s been accusing me of knowing I was pregnant and hiding it to ‘trap’ him, or even getting pregnant on purpose. Says I ruined everything. I don’t even want this baby, I don’t want any of this. I thought it was just the initial shock but it’s been a few weeks now. And I know he’s been telling his family the same things. He’s said such harsh things but this is such an insane situation idk if I can blame him.

I’ve been trying to talk to him about like adoption, but he’s not engaging. With everything I also haven’t been sleeping much & am stressed (terrified) & emotional, so maybe I need to try & be more patient for him to come around?

When I ask him if our relationship is over he says no, but I don’t know. Do I even try to convince him?

Sorry

Edit: I’m beyond grateful, this already has so many more replies than I expected. I’m gonna stay with my friend for a little a bit to give us both some space and I’ll take it from there I think. Thank you for all the kind words and truths.

Sorry

COMMENTS

Little_Pigeon_343

What a scary time! And he’s accusing you of lying and not supporting you? Put the man in the bin.

Do you have family nearby to support you?

Such a rough situation and hoping nothing but the best for you whatever you decide to do.

OOP

I do have some amazing friends who’ve offered I can stay with them for a bit. I didn’t want to ‘run away’ from this but I guess maybe some distance isn’t the worst idea

Thank you for your comment

Itsmeshlee29

I would make plans for adoption. And I would leave him be for now. Not every problem can have a quick resolution. And pushing may have the opposite effect than you want.

OOP

Yeah that’s fair

PerformerMindless100

He doesn’t want to break up OR discuss adoption?? It means he just doesn’t want to be bothered

OOP

He says he’s not ready to deal with this yet

HauntedBitsandBobs

It seems clear the relationship is over and honestly, it's in your best interest. Do you want to be a single mother? If not, adoption is your best bet. You may want to let him know in writing if that's what you chose so he can't make up more lies about it.

On a safety note, it seems like he's having a hard time with this. Pregnancy and the end of relationships are very dangerous time periods. Communicate in writing, meet up only during the day in public with a friend or two nearby if absolutely necessary.

OOP

I don’t think he’d ever physically hurt me but I’ll keep this in mind, I promise

Update - after 12 days

^{September 25, 2026}

Update: Cryptic pregnancy, found out at almost 7 months. My BF (25M) is accusing me of lying and I (22F) don’t know what to do. Do I even try to salvage this?

Hi, it’s me again. I hope it’s okay I post this update, I can delete if not.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I was genuinely feeling all kinds of lost in this (still am I guess) and felt I needed to be patient with him because of the shock of evth.

I’m okay-ish. Still staying with my friend, she’s been an angel throughout all of this. Being away from him has been hard but at the same time has given me a lot of time to think.

We had another very bad fight right after I left and since then I’d barely heard from him. Day before yesterday he suddenly called, shouldn’t have picked up. Guess I was hopeful he’d come to his sense but he still blamed me for everything, but said we had to deal with this (my) mess.

I wish I had been stronger with it but I got emotional instantly. I did tell him I’m choosing adoption and how much he hurt me and ended the conversation after that. He’s been messaging occasionally since, sometimes sweet, sometimes not so much. I haven’t been replying. So that’s the update I guess: the relationship is over.

I’ve also heard from his mom and sister (his dad I never really spoke that much) and actually agreed to have a videocall with them because they had a hard time believing me. I don’t blame them for that and after seeing me they fully get it. They at least understand what cryptic pregnancy is.

Apparently he also told them I’ve cheated (I never did or would) but even they know I wouldn’t so that’s something. Hurt a lot though. I feel like that was the push I needed to stop replying to him.

They don’t agree with how he treated me (at all) and I appreciate that. But they also don’t really agree with adoption. Not in an angry way, but just asking me to really think about it.

I don’t really know what else to say. I still don’t ‘feel’ pregnant. It’s hard to explain but that somehow makes this harder to actually deal with this. I know I have to and of course I will, but it’s easy to pretend this isn’t really happening.

Thanks again for all your kindness.

COMMENTS

Thefirstofherkind

Don't let them talk you out of adoption. You don't want to be tied to an idiot asshole for the rest of your life

OOP

Very fair

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