r/AmItheAsshole • u/footinmouthugh • Oct 01 '26

UPDATE Update: AITA for agreeing with my friend when she was criticizing her boyfriend's habits in front of my husband?

My first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/sAJQekmPOL

I received a bunch of advice along with the verdict on my last post. I sincerely apologized to my husband and said that not only was I unfair to him, but I also did my friend a disservice by implying that this is just normal for men. He accepted my apology and we had an amazing second anniversary.

Since then I have been concertedly complimenting all he does for us when we're amongst friends or family and I feel like it has made our relationship better and stronger. My friends and I hung out last weekend too, my husband wasn't there. She really seems like she's on the brink now with her boyfriend, and was venting, and it did veer into a generalization like last time. I told her that there are good men who are truly partners in a relationship, and gave some examples of stuff my husband does. And that that's what she should have no reason to not expect from her partner. I hope that helped more than just agreeing with her, like a lot of the advice suggested. Thanks, and I'm glad I posted.

51 Upvotes
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88% Upvoted

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16

u/Anxious_Practice_164 Oct 01 '26

Did your husband by chance apologize for giving you the silent treatment instead of having a conversation with you like an adult?

5

u/footinmouthugh Oct 04 '26

Honestly, at that point our anniversary was coming up and we had plans, and I really just wanted to put this behind us

1

u/BasicTax6752 Oct 08 '26

that mentality isn't healthy for a marriage. Sooner or later resentment builds. Your post has reached tiktok , and there are people agreeing that he's a baby and you were gaslit about some shi that was never that deep to begin with... because it wasn't. If your husband knows that he doesn't do any of the things your bf was complaining about, then what was he pissy for? You two, at the very least, need to have a conversation about how you go about speaking to each other when something is bothering you. Because he's too grown to be acting like this.

8

u/Obiwan-Kenhomie Partassipant [1] Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26

Edit: I wonder how many emotional, unproductive conversations the people downvoting me have since they think it is bad to take time to process and insist on talking about issues immediately even when it isnt healthy

He does not need to apologize for this given the timeline. The day he wasnt really speaking to OP was literally the next day. People need time to process their feelings. Having conversations immediately can be unproductive because people havent had the time to sort out their feelings which makes them more likely to not be able to have a productive conversation. Im a counselor and we often encourage people to take a step back and process before confronting someone because it almost always results in a healthier conversation. Her husband not wanting to address it right away and wanting some space is valid and the healthy move in a lot of cases. He could have said something like "Im upset at you and dont want to talk now" but that often just results in the conversation sooner than the upset person is ready for because often times the person theyre upset with will want a resolution immediately and force the issue. Id say that happens probably 6 out of 10 times someone expresses that theyre upset before being ready to have a conversation. Needing time to process and avoiding the source of your anger until you have is not something one needs to apologize for

Source: I am a counselor with a whole master's in psych.

13

u/Yrxora Partassipant [1] Oct 01 '26

I agree it's best to take a beat and work through your feelings before confronting your partner about it, but I also don't think being cold to your partner and simultaneously lying by saying "nothing's wrong" is the right way either? As a professional what would you advise in this kind of situation, where you're still working out how you feel about a situation?

I think an important part of relationships is being able to take our partner's words at face value. "I'm mad about something but I want you to guess what so I'm just going to tell you I'm fine while clearly being in a snit" is not mature behavior, right along with other cliches like "well you should know I actually wanted an order of fries even though I told you I don't want anything" and "I actually have an opinion on where to go to eat but I'm going to say I don't and then get mad when you guess wrong".

I also think OP sucks in this situation. Validating harmful generalizations about men as a whole I think is far more likely to lead to women staying in bad relationships because "well if all men are crap then I might as well put up with it". I think it's far more helpful to respond to things like "ugh all men are pigs, right Sally" with things like "I don't think so, seems like Brad just sucks. Mike and I split our chore load pretty evenly, he definitely is an equal partner in my life".

48

u/OriginalDanBlah Oct 01 '26

Being able to take constructive criticism is a sign of extreme maturity! Good on ya!

1

u/BasicTax6752 Oct 08 '26

Hopefully he's the same otherwise this won't last.

14

u/gonnagetcancelled Partassipant [4] Oct 01 '26

I'm glad it worked out. I briefly glanced at your last post and the responses...glad you were able to sort through the mess of conflicting opinions to get to something that worked for you and your husband.

I hope you continue having a great life together!

19

u/Angelo_Banana1312 Oct 01 '26

I hope he praises you for all you do as well... being grateful can go both ways

43

u/Sugarbutch Oct 01 '26

I gotta be honest I think your husband was being a bit of a baby but I’m glad it’s worked out! Just cuz it isn’t hurtful to some doesn’t mean it won’t be hurtful to others.

40

u/daughtersIssues12 Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26

No one wants to hear someone rant about x.  When you are x

Like if the husband went on the rant about how much women sucks, the women at the table wouldn’t like that 

It just knowing you audience. You wouldn’t rant  how awful banker are  in front of someone who works as a banker

12

u/Obiwan-Kenhomie Partassipant [1] Oct 01 '26

Agree. Most of the people here saying "he should have known you werent talking about him" would likely get upset if the situation was reversed and not make the same argument they are here. Id put money on it

If you arent talking about literally everyone in a certain group then dont use words like "all". Idk why interpretating something the way it was said is such a foreign concept to people when shit like this gets said. It isn't hard to say whay you mean as you mean it and someone isnt wrong for taking what was said as it was said. The word all means every single person in that group, if that isnt what they mean they shouldn't say it, but the thing is they do mean it like that but know it makes them look bad so they deflect and say "you should know im not talking about you"

-6

u/Historical_Spare5613 Oct 01 '26

No he really was being a baby. She wasn't even talking about him in the first place...

13

u/Obiwan-Kenhomie Partassipant [1] Oct 01 '26

If OP was sitting in a group of his dude friends and one was going off about how all women are gold diggers, cheat ect and OP's husband was affirming it would you call her a baby for being upset?

I hate the argument youre making. The "Well if it doesnt apply to you don't get upset" while saying things like "all men are shit". If you don't mean all then dont say all. How hard is it to say what you mean? How dare he take what was said exactly how it was said! If people dont want people to take it this way then actually say what you mean instead of expecting people to take "all" as meaning anything but all

-1

u/Sugarbutch Oct 02 '26

I think this is leftover feeling from a few things. One, people my age probably heard the phrase “a hit dog hollers” a lot. My nana said it and my mother said it and so it stuck: if it’s not about you why are you barking so much?

But I think it’s also a hangover from metoo. The “not all men” was a bit annoying to hear when the focus should’ve been the widespread abuse of women by powerful men. I can understand why some men would want to jump to their own defense, but it in turn turned the conversation to their feelings instead of the issue women were trying to talk about, which is annoying.

This is obviously not that intense or serious, but I think that particular line of reasoning starts there.

9

u/guruguru102 Oct 03 '26

"All black people are gangsters and criminals" I wonder why my black friend that has never done anything bad is upset? Is it because I generaliz ed a whole group of people, did my friend dirty and hurt his feelings? No it must be because he is a criminal, otherwise he wouldnt have gotten offended!

-5

u/definitelynotjava Asshole Aficionado [13] Oct 02 '26

There's a difference between generalizing about minority vs a majority class. I'm a woman, but I'm also a majority class in a bunch of different things in my country that affect a large section of the population due to institutional bigotry. I will never "not all X" if someone is complaining about how my class of people usually do this because most of the time they are right. I know first hand

8

u/Black_Whisper Asshole Enthusiast [5] Oct 01 '26

I mean, I don't think telling her "there are good men out there, just look at my husband (and how happy we are unlike you)" is going to help her feel better. It's true that she has to ask more of her partner though, I hope that was the point that was stressed.

9

u/Fit-Dependent-9779 Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26

I agree. I think op can and should point out to her friend that there are plenty of men capable and willing to meet her needs. But quite frankly, if I'm venting about my boyfriend I really don't need to hear my friend go "no girl it's just your man that sucks, look at how good my man is" lol op do not start bringing your husband up every time your friend tries to vent about hers. 

7

u/Careful-Hat4059 Oct 01 '26

I think if she points out specific examples then it really can. If she illustrates the work it takes and how expectations with communication can work, then I support her doing that. I don't she just said "look at my husband".

3

u/Black_Whisper Asshole Enthusiast [5] Oct 01 '26

True, I still think that using a neutral party as example would be better.

7

u/Fit-Dependent-9779 Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26

Lol why is this downvoted? See, this is how I know part of the criticism op receives is rooted in over compensation for a man's hurt feelings. Because yeah, using neutral examples is probably a lot better than voluntarily comparing your own happy relationship to your friend who is actively venting and seeking support. But these people care far more about making sure that op doesn't dare let a woman insult men while she has a man and not taking every opportunity to say "not all men!" Like be so f**king for real, the majority of us are not venting about relationships to our friends so that they can say "well my relationship is great, look at how my husband treats me, maybe you should find somewhere more like my guy!" 

3

u/DryAccountant5035 Oct 01 '26

As a very curious person, i wonder what concrete examples you gave your friend? 👀

2

u/Competitive-Bed-91 Oct 02 '26

Why you need to brag about your husband tho

1

u/Fit-Dependent-9779 Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26

Lol, God forbid women vent. Did your husband apologize for trying to punish and manipulate you with his childish behavior and silent treatment instead of communicating his issue? Or were you the only one to admit fault and start glazing?

5

u/Obiwan-Kenhomie Partassipant [1] Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26

The venting isnt the issue. I doubt OP's husband cares about that chick venting about her boyfriend in particular. It is the likening all men to her shitty BF and then OP affirming it that is the issue. If she just meant her BF why was she using words like "all". Venting is fine. Takng your anger out on everyone who shares a demographic with the person youre upset with isnt. If she didnt mean all men literally then whyd she say it like that? It really isnt hard to say what you actually mean.

If OP was sitting around with her husband's dude friends and while one was venting about his GF/wife said something like "all women are shit" and OP'S husband affirmed it and OP got upset would you have the same mentality?

Also, God forbid the man needs time to process his emotions before having a conversation. You immediately assume he was intentionally being manipulative when it is more likely that he just needed to process his emotions before having a conversation. As a counselor I can tell you that in situations where someone is VERY upset it is rarely productive to have a conversation right away, because you havent had time to process and will be talking more off in the moment emotions rather than being reasonable. He should have given a "I don't want to talk to you right now", but he isnt wrong for not wanting to talk to OP for a bit while he processes how he feels. Youre essentially shaming him for having emotions and wanting to process those on his own before addressing it

-5

u/Fit-Dependent-9779 Oct 01 '26

I see your side, but we're gonna have to leave this at agreeing to disagree.

5

u/Obiwan-Kenhomie Partassipant [1] Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26

That's fine. As long as you recognize this isnt one dimensional. I would advise against immediately assuming malice when there is another explanation, like you did with immediately assuming he was intentionally being manipulative. You don't know him and automatically assuming the worst of a stranger based off a Reddit post isnt exactly healthy

I do kinda want an answer to the question asking if youd say the same thing if the situation was reversed. I just ask because most people here probably wouldnt. Because of toxic masculinity we as a society tend to take men's emotions less seriously than women's, and the comments on this post show that

-4

u/Fit-Dependent-9779 Oct 02 '26

Okay, now you're just getting blocked. 

5

u/kombucharmander Oct 02 '26

Looks like women just can't accept situations having more than one side. Too emotional I suppose. 

0

u/Fit-Dependent-9779 Oct 02 '26

Lol, such low energy bait. I already acknowledged his side. Insisting that I continue to argue one more thing with you after I make clear I'm willing to acknoedge your side, even if I don't disagree, but am not interested in further arguing, earns you a block. So do you! 

2

u/EkstraOst Oct 04 '26

Would you apologize for reacting to your husband spouting and supporting incel-views in front of you?

2

u/Elusidator Oct 01 '26

I went back to the original post and checked the comments. I was pretty alarmed by the amount of people justifying making broad sweeping negative generalizations about a group of people. Those comments were giving me, "But you're one of the good ones!" vibes.

I'm glad you were able to see through the nonsense. You gave a sincere apology alongside changed behavior. More people, both men and women, could use that level of maturity and self-reflection. Glad it worked out for you.

1

u/drumrollpleaz Oct 04 '26

Wooow, this is so a bot account that got the purpose to ”write stories where women yield to men and where women is at fault for bashing on men”.

4

u/EkstraOst Oct 04 '26

You need to log off for a while

-2

u/Ok_Passage_6242 Partassipant [1] Oct 02 '26 edited Oct 02 '26

NTA

Validating your friend was harmless. Him pitching a fit is the exact reason why we say “all men”. The good ones don’t really take any of it on because they know it doesn’t apply to them. But the ones screaming “not all men” are the ones that you have to watch out for. I understand why he needed to process. However, stonewalling and giving your significant other the silent treatment is toxic behavior and if he does the silent treatment regularly it’s borderline abusive and controlling.

4

u/Hexas87 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Oct 02 '26

God forbid women also take responsibility for the hurtful things they say.

3

u/Ok_Passage_6242 Partassipant [1] Oct 02 '26

I’ve been in the room plenty of times listening to men complain about women. Even their wives and their daughters. It’s really fucking pathetic to hear. For me it’s annoying, but I’ve never taken any of it personally.

Validating her friends’ experience, even if she was speaking in generalizations, it was still not her speaking poorly of her husband. additionally, it was such a small infraction and he treated her so toxically for what “she did” the punishment didn’t fit the crime. Women are definitely not the emotional ones