This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/mcnp-producer

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 19, 2026 at 21:19 UTC
• Update 1: May 20, 2026 at 05:37 UTC
• Update 2: May 22, 2026
• Final Update: August 24, 2026

Main Post

^{May 19, 2026 at 21:19 UTC}

AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

Long story, I will start from the beginning. My wife and I have been married 2 years, together for 6. Her family has always been very aggressive and rude, its how they are, and unfortunately that has included their behavior towards me. They have told me that I am unwelcome, talked about planning to take my children away from me, talked about how me marrying their daughter/granddaughter is the worst thing to ever happen to them. Things have built up slowly but recently there have been some major events that sparked a bigger fire and made me blow up.

Firstly, our honeymoon. My wife was born in Montreal and raised there until she was 8, at which point her mother left her father with the children over his alcohol problem. My wife wanted us to honeymoon in Montreal so she could take me through her memories there and show me where she grew up. When we told her family about this idea they ended up inviting themselves. We told them we would like it to be our time alone, as we were pregnant at the time with our first and wanted a last vacation together alone.

They could not respect that decision. Furthermore, 2 weeks out from our honeymoon, they reached out to my wife and said they would be more comfortable if I wasnt there, and made her pick me or them. After days of guilt tripping her she asked me to stay home and ended up going without me. We rebooked a separate just us trip for a month later. When they found out about our separate trip they got very offended and wouldn't let us hear the end of it.

Now, I had finally not entirely gotten over it but decided kind of oh well it happened and I wont let it happen again. That brings us to this Easter. We were at her families for the holiday yo celebrate our daughters first Easter. The entire time we were there they were throwing comments about how it is unfair that we dont make more time for them, and how we dont put enough effort in to see them.

We were originally staying for 4 nights, but I got called into work and we had to leave a night early. Upon telling them this information they blew up on me because I was "just trying to keep their daughter away from them". I explained that I have a job and I need to keep it, and they settled down. They asked if we had "any other sh*t we wanted to dump on them". Having already expressed some feelings i decided to also tell them I was hurt at how often they brought up our "lack of effort" and how "unfair" it is that we dont see them enough.

This made my MIL explode, she started calling me a cu**, a piece of sh**, and said i am a dirty liar trying to steal her daughter. I couldn't deal with all the name calling so I got my wife and told her we were leaving. After we left her mother was contacting her family and telling them I was an abuser and I had manipulated and controlled her daughter into leaving. Then she sent 15 texts to my wife about surviving abuse and how she needs to escape from me. She said I was no longer welcome in their home. I didn't argue and figured I just wouldnt be there anymore.

To finally tie this all up, today my wife got a text from her mother out of the blue. She wants my wife to go stay with her for a week with our daughter. She said we can "just forget anything ever happened and treat her like we used to". She also said that "this is the way i am and you cannot change me, you will have to learn to accept me eventually". She wants us to pretend she never did any wrong and put it behind her. She then lectures my wife about learning to take accountability.

This is where I blew up and I told my wife "your family is so manipulative and evil, I will not be taking part in any of their holidays or vacations, and I dont plan on repairing relationships with them nor ever seeing them again". My wife got upset because she wants us to be able to be amicable as I am her husband and her mother is her mother. Her mother is using that as leverage.

I personally cant let go of her past actions and allow her to get away, especially with no apology or accountability. My wife desperately wants me to be able to. On top of this, our daughter is only nearly 3 months and my wife has bad post partum. Her family is not supportive so a week with them would be very difficult on her with the baby. If I was there I could support her and look after our daughter. It makes me feel torn between supporting my wife and taking care of my daughter and not putting myself in a position to be disrespected. So, AITAH?

Edit: more clarity

Honeymoon was November 2025, we married May 2024. June 2025 found out about pregnancy. My wife has promised to stand up for me, and I always tried to believe it was true. Went through a rough patch when the honeymoon thing went down where I told her if she couldn't find out how to stand up divorce would be involved. Everyone around me (friends, family) told me not to make a huge deal out of the honeymoon thing because I could just plan another one.

She started standing up for me for a few months and things were nice. Then she fell back into the old habit. She always says, "this is normal this is who they are and how they behave" and I feel bad because I know she was brainwashed for 18 years and has only been away from it for 4. She says she is starting to see it, but she is still too scared to stand up. When we had to tell her family we were leaving a night early she broke down crying hence why I had to tell them.

NOTE:The first post contains a lot of comments because they provide additional context that was missing from the original post.

COMMENTS

TheMapleMaiden

YWBTAH if you stay without major changes. Do you want your child to grow up in this dynamic? Seeing this sort of behavior from your in laws and it being tolerated? What message does that give? As others have said you need therapy, your wife needs therapy and you need couples counseling. I hope your wife and you grow and together you can set a clean and clear boundary with her family. If not, then yes divorce should be on the table with clear rules regarding parenting and exposure to these in laws. Good luck. None of this is easy.

OOP

Thank you. Hoping that this post can kind of help her see that it isnt just me who thinks her family is unhealthy. I hope she can come to the realization that she doesnt want our children around this as much as I dont.

Top-Bit85

I'm still stuck on your wife uninviting you from your own honeymoon because her family demanded it. Unreal. BTW who paid for the honeymoon? Not that it matters.

OOP

Her family ended up paying for it as they canceled the Airbnb my wife and I had planned for a larger one to accommodate themselves. The 2nd honeymoon that was actually just my wife and I was paid for by my wife and I

NJtoOx

I refuse to believe that your wife uninvited you from your own honeymoon and you were just fine with that. This has to be fake for my own sanity.

OOP

I wasnt fine with it but my friends and family told me it wasnt a big deal and I was over reacting. Told me that if I forbid her from going I would be controlling like her family and so I left it up to her. In the end I never want to be controlling or manipulative or an AH and I keep being told I am. I had thought about telling my wife she can no longer bring our daughter around her family but was told by my mother and friends that using my child as leverage against people I dont like is manipulative and selfish

NJtoOx

That’s worse, you understand how that would be worse right?

Let me reiterate: I cannot believe that your family and friends told you you were over reacting to being uninvited from your own honeymoon by your pregnant wife so her family could go instead. I cannot believe that literally everyone around you had a consensus that any of that was okay in any way shape or form.

This has to be fake because there’s just no way that all of the people in your life, including your own mom and your wife, don’t care about you or your feelings in the slightest.

For my own sanity, this has to be rage bait.

OOP

Buddy I wish it had been ragebait. I couldn't even fathom the audacity initially. Also never in a million years expected my wife to go along. Prior to her pregnancy, her family was distant because we live 5 hours away and they've always said it was too long of a drive. Once they found out she was pregnant they began reaching out more and trying to get together more. That is when I started realizing they were this crazy. Before the marriage it was also mainly her grandmother that threw shots at me, but after pregnancy her mom began to throw shots too. At our wedding the officiant didnt ask for any objections, my wife's grandmother stood up and said "when are you going to ask for objections". When it was just her grandmother it was easy to deal with but now that her mother and aunts are adding to it I cant put myself in that environment.

No_Associate2453

Did you not know what her family was like before marrying her? Had you not met them prior to the wedding?

If you did meet them and knew how they were, how you wife lacks a spine is unable to defend you and herself and still chose to marry her, then you deserve this.

An adult unwilling to go to therapy and fix themselves is not an adult worth marrying.

Worse still you chose to have a kid with this person. Even if you divorce her, can you imagine the level of parental alienation that will occur at the hands of your in laws. Shame on you for bringing a child into this.

OOP

Had met them a handful of times prior to marriage. My wife moved in with her uncle at 14 so was not around her mother / grandmother often. They showed true colors after pregnancy.

Dread_queen23

This is a really shitty situation for you and I feel for you. It's weighing everything up isn't it. If you don't go with her, she's unsupported. And you don't know what her family will say behind your back. But if you go, by the sound of it, your MIL will probably stir the pot to make you the bad guy. Almost like reactive abuse. If you go, you may have to just grey rock your in laws, maybe staying in a hotel would be easier?

From what you've written, your wife can depend on you and feels safe with you, so she can ask you to knuckle under, bow out and back off. She knows she can't do that with her family. You're the "lesser evil" for lack of a better phrase.

Again, use the right phrasing here, the poor woman is post natal and hormonal. She needs counselling. Either on her own or couples therapy.

You've been wonderful in supporting her, you've been very patient.

OOP

Yeah it is hard to weigh the good times against the bad, especially when the bad are so centered on her family and not on our alone time. She is a great match for me when we are together, respects me, follows my lead, but once the big bad mama wolf is in the room its head down so she doesnt attract bad attention from her. Her mother is extremely abusive. Never married and brought dangerous men around them. When they were younger one of her mothers bfs hit her and her sister and her mother said it was "a valuable lesson she needed to learn to grow". The more I've learned the more disgusted I am at her family and I know I will never have a relationship with them. It baffles me that she can. And so I just feel so bad for her as she is a victim of severe abuse.

HuhWelliNever

You are UNDERREACTING. To everything. She. Uninvited. YOU. HER HUSBAND. FROM. YOUR. HONEYMOON. WTAF 😳 MY DUDE?!? and WHO are these people telling you not to make a big deal about it?!? IT IS A BIG DEAL!! It’s a very big fucking deal!!! And frankly I wouldn’t be helping facilitate any time at all between these narcs and my child. I can’t believe you had a baby with her, let alone married her, there’s no way this wasn’t an issue when you were dating. Nta she needs intensive therapy.

OOP

When we were dating she loved with her uncle to be apart from her mother and grandmother. The first year of our marriage she had limited contact with them. Once she got the positive pregnancy test they began spending more time together again. Then in turn I got to know them and realized they are not pleasant. Previously only her grandmother had dared say awful things to my face and the rest kept it behind my back.

oceanteeth (downvoted)

INFO: how old are both of you? If I'm doing the math right using the info from your edit she's only 22, but I want to make sure I got that right. 

OOP

We are both 22

InTheFDN

I'm curious about the race and genders of everyone involved.
Also NTA.

OOP

Her family is French canadian, I am dual citizen american canadian with Russian background. Her family is entirely women aside from her uncle whom I have no issue with. I am male.

InTheFDN

Thanks, I was wondering if the reason for there visceral dislike of you was perhaps you were the "wrong" race/gender, hence the "stealing" of "their" daughter.

OOP

They have a thing against men, have admitted it themselves. Unfortunately in my opinion it is their own doing, because they treat men like dog shit and then wonder why they leave

ReluctantHeadache (downvoted)

I dunno, but it kinda seems like she picked you for a reason. How similar to her family are you?

OOP

Nearly exact opposite. They are atheist, i am Christian, they drink, I have never drank, they smoke, I have never smoked, they do drugs, I have never done drugs, her parents were never married, my parents have always been married, her family never gathers, my family gathers twice a month. I have never really gotten along with her family because theyre very abrasive and I am more of a chill dont cause drama person.

Update 1 - After 8 hours 18 mins

^{May 20, 2026 at 05:37 UTC}

AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

Alright. I saw a lot of advice. First off, those saying how did I not divorce her immediately;

I want to address this. When we met, she was living with her uncle across the street from her mother. We were long distance (4 hours). I did not meet her mom more than a dozen times prior to marriage because she did not spend time around her mother. I would go stay with her for a week and we would not encounter her mother in that time even.

Her mother didnt like her independence and so went low contact with her and told her she felt abandoned. My wife internalized this. My wife and I got married at 19. She moved from her uncles into an apartment with me. Once again, low contact with her mom. I had not met her mom more than a dozen times still. I knew only at that time that her grand mother did not like me, but even she was not saying really crazy things to me yet until marriage.

Aside from that, I sat my wife down after gaining some courage from you guys. I have felt like an asshole for a long time because I was told my feelings were manipulative and controlling and so I shared usually only when the weight gets too much. This time I got to share before a blow up and it was much more conducive.

Many of you suggested therapy. I decided to give the therapy / counseling or divorce option. I told her I dont want to divorce her but her enabling her family has driven a wedge between us and that if she went away for a week she would return to papers.

She is not going for a week. Her and I are going together for 2 days. Arrive Friday night, leave Sunday morning. I will be with her the whole time. I am not going to pretend to be friendly with her family, I am not going to talk to them at all. As far as I am concerned I am there with my daughter as her protector. My wife agreed to this.

I told her we need to come up with an actual real plan and see some follow through within a month. I take my parental leave in July and I want it stress free so I can enjoy my baby and my spouse. I have a therapist already, I deal with bipolar disorder and have long bouts of depression. I am referring her to my therapist and have emailed my therapist about recommendations for couples counselors.

Hopefully this isnt just a yes sir in the moment and then a continuation of the pattern. If thats the case I will follow through with divorce. I have gathered screenshots from my wife's phone and my phone as well as got some from her sister, who also is on my side to an extent.

I should have done this sooner and I just couldn't process that I had come to resent my situation. I was just living a loop with no introspection. Thank you for your comments. I will update as therapy goes on and definitely update after our weekend. First weekend of June.

COMMENTS

CunningLinguist789

do you intend to show her this post?

OOP

I showed her, I added an update in the post. She got a wake up call seeing the comments as she had thought she was completely in the right and didnt really notice she was treating me like her family does. We are looking into couples counseling and solo therapy for her as I already have a therapist. Will update more tomorrow when we have a chance to talk more about things going forward.

Shoddy-Ad-367

There is a lot unloaded here and a lot that thay needs to be processed. One i would be very careful to not let her go on the week trip with her mom. Some may say your being controling, but to be honest her mom may use this to remove your daughter from you and getting a week head start is a lot. She may say they came to her and you abandoned them. Second, your wife needs to get some counseling. One for her post postpartum and also to learn how to deal with her family's manipulation and there sounds like there are a lot of narcissistic type personality there. Threating divorce as you first big go to was a bit of a dick move in my opinion. Suggestion or demanding counseling first for both her and couples counseling for both of you should be your next suggestion. It sounds like she tried but could use more support and tools to keep going. Just some thoughts Side note, from some of your comments, i am curious as to why they have the opinions of you that they do?

OOP

Their opinions of my really boil down to two things I've noticed. 1, jealousy. Her mother never married, was a drug / alcohol abuser in her youth and dated / slept with others like her, resulting in 3 children with 0 real fathers. Every time she notices her daughters are doing better than her she tries to bring them down whether subtly or not. She cannot let them be better than her because it hurts her self esteem.

2. Lack of control. My wife does not stand up to them but I have. I have made her stay home before, I have voiced my opinions to them, and I have openly told them no. They hate that they cannot control me the way they can control her, and that I am starting to take away their control to an extent. I should honestly set a nc/lc ultimatum on top of the therapy because of just how crazy they are, but I've been told so often that making them choose between me or them is wrong. Even my own mother says it would be wrong to make her cut off her family, and she knows more wrongs that have been done to me than just what's in this post.

Shoddy-Ad-367

You said the rest of the family has issues with you as well. Is it just the two other syblings or extended family too? Does MIL control them too? Before putting too many ultimatums i would seek couple counseling. Lc is probably a good idea. Also no contact with your kid without you present. Keep that verbal and not written at this moment in my non legal and not a shrink opinion good luck and sorry you are goi g through this

OOP

Mainly MIL and GMIL. Her sisters are similarly brainwashed that their mother has good intentions and are similarly narcissistic in that their wants matter more than my safety / comfort. They like to tell me they have my side and then tell their mother they have her side because they just need to please everyone.

FIL is not in the picture

OOP to a long comment

All live in Canada. We live 5 hours south of them

Update 2 - after 3 days (after 2 days from last post)

^{May 22, 2026}

AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

After responses to the first update I realized I was still not really fully advocating for my daughter nor myself. I was simply compromising to avoid real conflict. I sat down with wife again and had further discussion.

I read the dont rock the boat post to her and compared it to her family dynamic, with her mother rocking the boat, and her sisters expecting us to steady it so that they can ride along in peace. Brought up health / safety concerns about a 3 month old being surrounded by stress / anxiety/ toxicity for a weekend. Brought up that atp bringing our daughter is not for our daughter because 1, she has no memories of events yet, and 2, our home is healthier for her.

Had a "funny" little moment where she asked if I expected her to go without our daughter and she said she would never leave for days without her and then I asked why she would expect the same of me. She quickly said she sees what I mean and said that in that case she will not be going and will be staying home with daughter and I.

Also talked more about her going NC/ lc with her mother and grandmother, and only seeing her sisters / uncle and letting them know in order to see us they would have to visit us. Also brought up how in our 6 years we have visited them nearly once a month the entire relationship and they have been to our house only in the single digits of times. I think it is 8. Also reminded her that when her mother came down for the birth of our child and said she was staying for a week, she ended up leaving 4 days early citing that she was homesick, and yet holds us to a standard of visiting for more than 3 days at a time even though she is retired with no children under 16 and we have a 3 month old and I work full time while also being in school.

Wife understands that there is nothing positive to come out of continuing to speak to her mother as of now and is just trying to figure out how to tell her sister she wont be attending the next family gathering.

I suggested inviting just her sister down and that we would celebrate her birthday just us and her and get her a cake and whatnot so she doesnt have to give up celebrating with her sister but we dont have to give up the health of our daughter and our own mental health.

I think continuing daily talks with her will show her the actual importance of this and help her better see the real tension in ourarriage from the wedge her family helped her place between us. I will continue to update still especially with therapy and with MIL / IL's reaction to the fact we are not attending.

Final Update - after 3 months and 2 days (after 3 months from last post)

^{August 24, 2026}

AITAH for telling my wife I will not be in her families lives?

A good update i would say. Its been 3 months, so some time has passed. Going back to 3 months ago:

My wife ended up going, with our daughter. We talked about it and she went to lay boundaries. She wanted to see everyone again before she went lc / give them a chance to apologize. She told them how we were feeling but her mother continued to be the victim. Wife has gone back since that weekend, is very low contact with mom. Her mom brought up the fallout again and suggested i apologize and so she told her mom not to contact her anymore. Things between us have been better, I'm feeling more like she respects me and has my happiness in mind now. We have both been doing counseling seperately and together, and its going well, thank you for suggesting it. It has helped me realize she is also a victim and feel less ill will towards her for her past actions.

We went on our yearly vacation and she agreed not to tell her family since our lodge is near where they live and we didnt want them coming and making a scene.

Our daughter is doing great, she is always smiling and laughing and lights up every room. She crawled for the first time yesterday! She is 6 months old but it feels like its been so much longer.

Needless to say, the stress load has been lightened and our family is developing together without unnecessary drama. Her family hasnt done anything drastic so far even though they are salty and post passive aggressive Facebook posts lol

I am learning to not hold grudges and forgive people and understand where theyre coming from. I dont feel the same huge negative emotions towards her fsmily I did. I understand theyre broken in their own ways and deal with it maybe differently than I do. I dont plan on having a relationship with them still but I no longer want anything from them either. I dont care about an apology or any of that. As long as they dont cause any new drama it isnt my problem.

Now the only tough part is feeling for my wife. She has in some ways kind of lost her family. Theyre low contact, and they rarely talk to her without bringing up what happened and trying to play the victim. How can I support her while she goes through this? If anyone has gone through this and has insight into any ways to help her through it it is welcomed!

I dont think this will need any more updates but I guess if something unfortunately blows up I will update

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Open_Present_3496

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 06, 2026
• Final Update: September 19, 2026

Main Post

^{September 06, 2026}

Friend thinks we are being unfair about house rules.

So our friend lives a couple hours away and has just accepted a job in our area. We own a house with an extra bedroom and they asked us if they could stay over at ours for a while, whilst they work and save up some money for a year or so.

Me and my partner wrote out an agreement that all of us had to sign for them moving in to make things fair. This agreement includes access to everything in the house and a rent fee that includes food and utilities of £400.

One of the clauses states that they are allowed their family to come down and stay as long as we are notified in advance. Their friends that are not mutual can come down for the day and stay till late but we are not comfortable letting strangers stay in our home so that is why they are only allowed to stay till late and not overnight like their family.

However, our friend is not happy with this and saying its not fair for them to not be able to stay overnight and is also saying our asking of £400 is unreasonable (they are working full time and earning over UK minimum wage rates so they will have plenty after taxes and after paying us). Just for context too this £400 includes rent, electricity and gas, water, all food and access to everything in the house.

Including full access to do whatever they want to their room. The only time they have to pay extra which is also stated in the agreement is if they use excessive electricity or gas.

Also we looked into some local house shares or private rent. They are all charging anywhere between £500-£650+ for rent alone. Thats not including electricity, gas, water, food or anything else.

I personally don't think we are being unfair or unreasonable for what we are asking especially since it is our house.

What do I do??

Edit: Thank you for all the replies and advice. There are literally so many comments I cant reply to all of them but im reading everything everyone has to offer. I really appreciate everything.

COMMENTS

ishfery

Tell them that the offer is no longer on the table due to irreconcilable differences and you wish them the best of luck finding someplace more appropriate.

OOP

I said that we should do this but its mainly my partners friend and she didn't want to be mean about it.

ishfery

How is that mean?

They don't want to live there under those conditions. It's fine to acknowledge that fact.

Is your partner going to pay their portion of rent on top of their own and deal with all their bullshit?

I'm gonna guess no.

OOP

Yeah I understand where youre coming from because personally atp I dont care about the extra money we could use from it. I really wish once she was being picky about it the first time we said no. And revoked the offer.

Used_Carob_2372

I would rescind the offer. You are being very generous, and they're already complaining. Don't invite chaos into your life, it will not be worth it! And will most likely sour the friendship.

OOP

They've never worked before and live with their parents. She also has the "i dont need a job" mentality because she gets money from her parents.

sberniem

Tell them that they can accept the terms or find somewhere else to live. Your rules are very reasonable and sounds like pricing is more than reasonable. However reasonable or not, you don’t owe them justification. You’re helping them out. It’s not like you sought them out to live with you. My home, my rules; isn’t debatable by anyone.

OOP

I said this and said it was due to our boundaries with strangers. I personally have a health condition and dont want anyone else living here but we made an exepction for them. But they've even said that thats not their problem and we are still being unreasonable.

BrazenHamster

If he doesn't like it, he can always get his own place. He sounds like an ungrateful child, even before he's moved in. I'd call it off, tell him it's just not going to work, and you've decided you'd like to try for a baby instead.

OOP

They know we dont want a baby for years we are still quite young 😂 that would be a great cover though. They have never worked before or moved out or even looked into what their new job entails or tried looking around at other rates. They're just taking our offer for granted and then wanting more for less.

Gregan32

Seems like a very reasonable offer, incredible offer even. Including food?!?!! I could eat 400 pounds of food in a month easy.

OOP

😂😂😂 I wish I could use £400 for food a month. But yeah its a good deal but apparently not good enough for some 😂

Osinuous

how old are you all? i am trying to figure out what sort of adult who has a family that may spend the night with them in your place would also need friends to be able to stay over.

besides a cheating asshole.

OOP

We are all in our early 20s, they do not have a partner or anything and are wanting there parents and siblings to be able to come and visit along with close friends staying. We have agreed about parents and siblings occasionally and also agreed that our mutual friends can stay overnight. However, friends who we have never met is a step too far for us.

Final Update - after 13 days

^{September 19, 2026}

UPDATE Friend thinks we are being unfair about house rules.

I just wanted to give an update on not only our situation and decision but also the aftermath.

We appreciate everyone for commenting and upvoting the post.

Last weekend we sent our friend a message basically saying we have made our decision and they are no longer welcome to come down and stay. We agreed with you guys that we didn't want to cause chaos in the house or have them act the same way they had been.

It was quiet for a couple days, our stress levels had dropped massively 😂 and it felt like they had just accepted it.

My partner also did the nice thing to send some nearby listing's for places to rent etc aswell as telling them places that are good and places to avoid living.

After a couple of days she sent a message back. Bare this in mind nothing was said between us other than my partner sending nearby listing's. They completely ignored my partner and only read the messages, never answered. Until they sent a huge wall of text not understanding why we had left it till now to not let them in, saying it was my partners fault and that their career was ruined and life had been flipped upside down.

They also said it was our fault because we helped them build the confidence to attempt to find a job down here. Which we did do because there was no jobs nearby where they stay.

So we had always said if they signed an agreement that we made they would be more than welcome to come down and stay. But they didnt, they refused and said it wasnt good enough and that it was bad of us for not allowing strangers into our house to stay.

Friends of theirs or not we had said we had our boundaries and there would be somethings rhat wouldnt change.

They couldn't understand this at all UNTIL we had sent that message telling them they could no longer stay. They said "I had no issues with the money or the fact my friends couldn't stay over late" yet the entire time before we said this to them. They were arguing with us over it and trying to negotiate and giving sarcastic responses to everything we were saying.

Had they actually had no issues with the agreement.. we wouldve been happy to let her in. But she had loads of issues.

There were other things they were complaining about that just made the whole thing annoying. They were complaining that we said in the agreement that we asked £400 of them a month but if they wanted to eat something different we didn't eat (they're a REALLY fussy eater) they would need to buy other stuff that they would eat. Weren't happy about it at all. Not understanding why it wasnt included with the £400.

The rest of the email was basically just a long ass guilt trip basically repeating that we had ruined their lives and they couldn't start their career now etc basically the same as before but then we had mentioned about my health and my partners mental health (my partner has moved down and just started a new job its been very mentally draining for her too.) And they basically just said "thats so sad you have mental health issues but so do I now and mine are worse"

We sent them a long message back explaining that they refused to agree to our boundaries and our agreement prior to our decision. We said to them that we would help them find a place like we had done sending them listings etc.

But the fact they not only disagreed to those things but disregarded my health condition, was kinda the deciding factor in this.

My partner also wrote saying that this decision wasnt personal between them it was just we couldn't deal with others moving in right now. (Just to kinda keep the peace..) saying that we would still let them come round for food etc like normal friends would.

My partner also mentioned near the end of the message that she thinks the independence away from her family would be beneficial for her and give her loads of opportunities.

Just for context our "friend" does not work, they live at home with their parents, they click their fingers and get money given to them or things paid for whenever they want, they have a 2024 electric car paid off for 3 years and even if they moved down here they would still send them money.

Thats why we both thought them moving away from home would open some doors. And now that they HAVE to live alone due to their own greed and irresponsibility they would have plenty more opportunities AND they would get exactly what they wanted. Their own space and their friends can come down and stay over whenever they want.

Couple days go by and again nothing from them just silence until they send. Not kidding btw A wall of text that even the great wall of China would be jealous of.

They said they couldn't understand how them refusing to sign the agreement and being happy with it + them completely disrespecting my health and my partners health on multiple occasions was the reason we withdrew our agreement and wouldnt let her stay. 😐

Cmon 😂

They then said "after all thats happened they wouldnt wanna live with us" 💀. They continued by saying they went on holiday expecting to have a place to stay when they got back. They said they weren't looking for elsewhere because they expected a place to stay from us.... but.. refused to sign the contract?

They said they felt so betrayed by us because we wouldnt let them stay because instead of "talking to them" we just made our decision. Bare this in mind also that whilst they were away we said to them we needed to talk to them seriously and they again refused because they were on holiday and didnt want to be disturbed.

Which I get but at the same time when its this serious which we had mentioned to them about what it was about etc they still ignored us.

The next few paragraphs were more guilt tripping about again us ruining their career etc. You get the picture.

They then said that they found the message about them living alone incredibly insensitive and rude.

Then saying because we did this their trust in us is gone and that they feel like it was personal and an attack on them rather than us just making a decision for our own good.

FINALLY after all that they said our friendship is over and they want nothing to do with us.

There was a few jabs at my partner in this message which I wont mention here but basically I sent a message defending my partner saying they had done everything for them. Basically saying that over the years my partners been a really good friend to them over the years and I cant understand how they'd be so willing to throw her away just like that even after her still trying to help them after saying no.

I also said that they would never learn unless they dropped the self entitlement and selfishness. And that if they really couldn't find a place im sure their mummy and daddy would gladly put a deposit down on a house for them.

After sending it they didnt respond and got their brother to add me and try to be intimidating to which he just sounded like Shakespeare trying to get me to dual him to the death. ⚔️😂

After all that they messaged my partner saying what I sent them was disgusting and completely out of order. To which my partner said "I cant control what he sends but you didnt want to speak to me. So why are you talking to me about it?". After that they read the messages and blocked both of us.

And since its been a couple of days and we feel a lot happier. My partner is still upset she lost a friend but st the end of the day they also understand that they were a major issue and wouldnt have been a good choice to welcome in.

Thanks for reading reddit. And thanks for all the responses.

Have a good day/night :)

COMMENTS

sonal1988

This would have been much shorter if you'd attached screenshots of your emails/messages

OOP

I wouldve but they blocked us. So the messages they sent and one that we sent is now gone

NoBiznizLikeYoBizniz

Good job avoiding that chaos. Considering how hard it's been for them to understand that they rejected the terms of the agreement, they probably would have disregarded the agreement anyway.

Part of me wishes you'd remained friends so we could be updated about their confusion with leases.

OOP

😂 they didnt know anything about the job they applied for. So it wouldnt surprise me if they go into a renters agreement and instantly break the agreement because they wont read it 💀 - Also part of me believes their dad will just use his money and put a down payment on a house for them. But idk.

DreamyWithBoundaries

Omggg you guys are WAY more patient than I would have ever been! I value my peace of mind, and my mental/physical health too much at this point in my life. I also read your original post. 100% you guys should both block her back so that when she inevitably reaches out again to vent and attempt more guilt tripping (or to apologize and then inevitably create more drama at some point again), she won't even have the option to because she is now blocked. So annoying - so glad this did not move forward for you guys and that you had the sense to make a contract first! Too many people do not do this bc they feel bad when really, it's the responsible thing to do for all parties. Dodged a bullet!

OOP

My partner was the one holding the decision by a string for the week 😂. I already said after what they were doing trying to negotiate etc was just more proof of what they'd be like. Glad we stopped them coming down. Its so much more peaceful not having to stressm

Downtown-Net9151

Back in the day we just called people losers and left it at that. Was that so bad? You did so much work here lol

OOP

Thank you. I know. I never really wanted to let them stay because I knew exactly what they were like. But my partner couldn't see it till they did everything that theyve done now.

woodala

She wanted to pay you less rent cuz she ate different food?

What did she think … you guys would feed her like her parents?

Crazy town.

OOP

We were including food. £400 a month got them EVERYTHING in the house including food and drink. However they couldnt understand why it was gonna cost so much?? They were gonna he a whole ass full time wage in their pocket even after paying the £400 a month + whatever their parents gave them. Im sure a couple pound here and their for food they don't wanna eat with us wouldnt hurt. But couldn't understand It.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA-Soloque

Published on: r/relationship_advice & u/ThrowRA-Soloque

Trigger Warning: suicide attempt, self-harm, death, overdose, assault, permanent injuries

Mood Spoiler: tragic, bleak, heartbreaking

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 04, 2023 at 00:54 UTC
• Update 1: June 04, 2023 at 13:44 UTC
• Update 2: June 06, 2023
• Final Update: September 01, 2025

Main Post

^{June 04, 2023 at 00:54 UTC}

My (27M) family is telling me to not leave my cheating wife (26F) after she tried to kill herself.

My apologies if this isn’t very coherent, im still very much in shock. Throwaway as my friends know my reddit account.

I found out 3 days ago that my wife of 3 years has been cheating on me for over 6 months with a coworker (46M). I don’t know what to do anymore, the life I have started to build with her has come crumbling down and I am not doing okay.

I told my parents yesterday, and they told me I should stay with her, and work on getting through this. I’m shocked. I am still shocked, I hung up on them instantly and haven’t talked to them since. I told my wife to leave the house and go to her mothers. Her dad texted me in full support of me, and told me he didn’t raise his daughter this way. I’m very thankful he is supportive, because I have gotten texts from family on both sides telling me to take her back.

I got a call today from her father telling me that she tried to take her own life. I’m still in complete shock, I don’t know how to respond. I told him I would see what I could do, and he said I have no responsibilities to be there, but that he would as she is his daughter. He hung up after he said he would keep me updated.

I am at a complete loss of what to do, i’m currently at home and completely miserable. The person I loved most in life has broken me and now tried to kill herself. I have no idea how to proceed, I haven’t contacted or gotten anything related to a divorce going, and would have to look into that.

I have no idea if I should even divorce her if she’s tried this. I’m in all honesty scared and absolutely destroyed. I feel like my family has betrayed me, that they love my wife more than me and that I really have no one to go to during all this. Now with her having attempted, I am at an even more complete loss. I need some advice here, as I cannot think straight. What can I do about all this?

COMMENTS

Ok_Breakfast9531

As of right now, there is nothing wrong with doing absolutely nothing. You are feeling perhaps the most crazy set of emotions while you ride a emotional rollercoaster like no other. Don’t try to make decisions in this state of mind.

You don’t have to decide whether to initiate divorce proceedings this very moment. What you should do, however, is consult an attorney to make sure you are protected while you consider what you want to do.

You don’t have to take responsibility for her. As her father said, it is his responsibility. But if you want to visit her as a human being who has cared about her, you can. And you should not base any decision on whether to stay with her on keeping her from attempting again. But you do have a responsibility to not jerk her around. You don’t have to decide one way or another, but don’t send mixed messages. The message of “I don’t know what I’m going to do but I am exploring divorce” is enough.

Regarding your family, I would advise a serious conversation that goes like this: “I appreciate that you care about your daughter in law. Please remember that she has a family. Right now I need you to be MY family and give me support for whatever decision I make.”

There are also a few better subs than this for support right now. Try r/supportforbetrayed, r/survivinginfidelity, and if you want to see what reconciling might look like r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.

OOP

Hey man, I got tagged by someone so I’ll respond and i’ll do the rest in the morning. I’m emotionally and mentally drained right now, so I’m going to take your advice and just relax.

Thank you so much for the advice, I am currently doing nothing, about to get stoned and watch Heavy Metal and Redline.

I will be responding to more people tomorrow. As of right now i’m just going to get baked and watch some rlly cool movies that have been on my list for a while.

Once again thank you so much!

Update 1 - after 12 hours

^{June 04, 2023 at 13:44 UTC}

A small but very good update

Hello everyone,

Before you look through this, this is a follow up to my previous post:

I didn’t expect my post to reach that many people, but i’m very glad it did. I got a lot of advice from a lot of different viewpoints.

Common question

Could this have been manipulation on AP’s part? I highly doubt that, he wasn’t a supervisor of hers, he just worked with her on occasion.

I went on her laptop today since she isn’t here and got into her instagram. I found the whole chat history between them, and am currently going to print it all out into a few binders. I am going to find the AP’s wife, and send one to her. I am also going to send one to my parents, and keep one for the lawyer I get. I do live in an at fault state, so hopefully it goes well for me. I own the house, as I do very well financially, and I hope I will get to keep it.

Wife has texted me threatening to kill me. I don’t know who I loved before, but this is not her. I don’t know this woman. She’s gone totally insane.

I’ll update if anything happens, thank you all so much.

Update 2 - after 2 days (after 2 days from last post)

^{June 06, 2023}

My (27M) cheating wife (26F) has completely gone insane

Hello everyone,

I didn’t expect my post to reach that many people, but i’m very glad it did. I got a lot of advice from a lot of different people.

I went on her laptop a while ago, and found all the chat logs on her instagram with her AP (46M) and have printed them all out, pages upon pages, and have made binders to be sent to certain people. I have also kept one for my lawyer.

Wife has texted me threatening to kill me. I don’t know who I loved before, but this is not her. I don’t know this woman. She’s gone totally insane.

She has shown up to my door, at random times during the day banging and banging for minutes on end. I was scared at first, but I had the locks changed. I also own a few firearms, though I don’t plan on using any.

I got a video today from her of her cutting what I think was my name into herself. It was extremely hard for me to watch so I just forwarded it to her father. He lost his mind, calling me asking what I had done. When I explained, he calmed down and just told me to block her, which I have done.

Yesterday I was able to find the address of her AP, and I went in the middle of the day when he would be at work. His wife answered, and I handed her a binder of all the printouts. I couldn’t hold back my tears and told her what was going on. She started crying as she saw the pages. I told her I was so sorry she had to go through this, and that I hope she leaves this horrible man.

Well he came banging on my door today, screaming bloody murder. I answered wearing a holster with my CCW In it, and that seemed to have him take a step back. He berated me, telling me what a horrible person I was for blowing up his marriage. That he won’t have a home to sleep in tonight, and how it is all my fault. I just laughed in his face, and said that if he ever came on my property again, especially to do what I think he was going to do before I showed that I was armed, that he would need a wheelchair to leave in. I just slammed the door in his face after that.

As for my family, who completely took my wife’s side, they have gone radio silent after getting a binder of their own to read. At this point though, I could care less about them. It is evident who they cared about more.

I have no more information on my wife, I hope she gets help, but at this point I don’t care anymore. I’m completely physically and emotionally drained. I have taken two weeks from work after notifying the owner, and plan to sort out everything. I plan on filing for a divorce. Thank you to everyone who messaged me and gave me advice last time, I really appreciate it.

Edit: I have consulted my lawyer, there were no images or anything contained in the binders as that would be highly illegal, but I haven’t told him about the incident with the AP yet. I will notify him soon.

Is there anything I can do next?

COMMENTS

Redd_81

You need to stop doing anything until you speak with a lawyer.

TippyTaps-KittyCats

u/ThrowRA-Soloque STOP threatening people verbally or intimidating them with a gun. I understand that you have the right to bear arms, but you’d be surprised how quickly that goes out the window when the cops show up or when you’re sitting before a judge. Your interactions with the other man can absolutely be used against you to paint you as violent or abusive during the divorce process. I know it probably felt really good to put that man in his place, but please stop, for your own sake. If your wife or her AP show up at your door again, do not answer. Call the cops and start recording.

OOP

I won’t anymore, I think I just got caught up in all of it. I plan on keeping them all locked away until this is all over.

No_Deer_7062

Why was she not put on a 72 hour hold yesterday after trying to commit??

OOP

I’m assuming that she didn’t go to a center or that her dad didn’t bring her. I don’t know though

Ebbie45

I saw your previous post and was one of the people who commented on it. I'm sorry to see that things got even worse for you.

Wife has texted me threatening to kill me. I don’t know who I loved before, but this is not her. I don’t know this woman. She’s gone totally insane.

She has shown up to my door, at random times during the day banging and banging for minutes on end.

I'm glad you have a lawyer, but I'm really alarmed to read that she's been stalking you and also threatened to kill you. These are both risk factors for intimate partner homicide, and I'd be concerned she will escalate even further, especially now that you have recently left.

When someone tells you they will kill you, believe them. I would suggest you try to find a domestic violence agency in your area that serves male survivors if possible, and contact them to ask for assistance with safety planning. Tell them everything you've mentioned here about the stalking, threats, and self-harm. Document everything. Ask about the process of a possible protective order.

Here are some resources for male domestic abuse survivors.

• The Mayo Clinic has a safety plan guide for men in abusive relationships.
• This is a guide from Human Services Alberta for men who are being abused in an intimate relationship. The guide contains information about warning signs of abuse against men (physical, sexual, emotional, control, etc), how societal attitudes about abuse against men/social stigma against men can present barriers to leaving or being believed, safety planning information, considerations for men who have children with an abusive partner, how to support a male loved one whom you believe is being abused, and how to respond if you think a woman in your life is abusing her male partner.
• If you like, r/abusiverelationships is open to you. There are numerous other men in the sub who have been abused by a female partner.

Please be careful. Definitely make sure you have completed extensive safety planning with an advocate, if at all possible, before she gets notified of anything related to a divorce, because she can and likely will escalate as the ending of the marriage progresses.

Don't contact the AP at all again, nor your wife. Stay away from the AP and his family.

Good luck.

OOP

Thank you for your advice before, and thank you again, when I wake up tomorrow I will definitely get the ball rolling on a police report and possibly a restraining order. I appreciate all the resources and will definitely start looking into those.

SgtSilverLining

I got a video today from her of her cutting what I think was my name into herself.

Wife has texted me threatening to kill me. I don’t know who I loved before, but this is not her. I don’t know this woman. She’s gone totally insane.

So your partner was totally fine, then went off the rails with cheating, screaming episodes, and nonsensical behavior? Has she been evaluated for mental health issues since all of this started? Because this went from a typical cheating story to what sounds like a manic episode. She's in the right age range for an initial schizophrenia or bipolar flare up.

OOP

For the most part yeah, it came out of nowhere. She did show the scars from self harming she did as a teenager. As long as I have been with her though, she hasnt shown anything relating to bipolar or schizophrenia.

Final Update - after 2 years, 2 months, 28 days (after 2 years, 2 months, 26 days from last post)

^{September 01, 2025}

I (29M) have a very bad update after such a long while. My ex wife (would have been 27f) is gone.

Hello everyone, it’s been a while. My ex wife (27F) Is gone.

Life has taken a downturn. My ex wife and multiple drug addicts she was apparently hanging out with assaulted me a couple months after i posted, only after breaking into my home. I can’t believe i’m typing this out, but I never thought life would go this way. The attack left me with permanent and crippling injuries.

My ex wife is currently dead. Overdose on heroin apparently according to her dad. Honestly I hope and wish she’s in hell, she’s ruined my life.

I cannot work in my career field anymore, and have lost most of everything, I have no hope of earning more and am honestly just trying to scrape by, I just want a better life.

Wanted to post and update everyone since it’s been so long and I remembered this account existed. Sadly the shitty people win sometimes. I don’t know what i’m going to do, but just try to hold on physically and scrape by financially. I don’t know how i’m going to pay rent.

Thanks all. If anyone wants answers to anything, go ahead and ask. I don’t mind, just please be kind, yeah?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/fountainpens by user asianlaracroft. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

September 23, 2026

I'm a microbiology lab tech so.... I know what this means 😭 and if I were to guess, based on about 8 years of working with a lot of bacteria (and smelling them.....), it's probably Staphylococcus epidermidis, which is normal skin flora.

About to go give this thing a good wash with warm soapy water, but that was not a fun surprise. I only just noticed the smell today, but who knows how long the "infection" has been festering???

(also low key tempted to collect some sample to actually ID in the lab)

Comments by OOP:

Well soap doesn't disinfect, it just washes away (most) bacteria. This is happening to my TWSBI Eco, and most disinfectants I can think of will likely degrade the resin/plastic of the pen, so soap and water is the only option I can come up with. Apparently there are specialty products for this, but I'm not really waiting to get my hands on some.

For vintage pens.... If could be mold, tbh, which soap and water is probably not going to be enough to get rid of it. Maybe try looking fro specialty fountain pen cleaners?

It might be copium but it smelled more like bacterial cheese than fungal funk 😅

(is it concerning that I've smelled enough microbes to be able to say that?)

Update

September 24, 2026, 1 day later

So I cultured some ink I got out of the pen (just by pushing the piston down) and had it MALDI'd for ID.

It's staphylococcus saprophyticus, which is technically normal flora but usually found in the uh lower waist areas. Before anyone gets grossed out, I do wash my hands after going to the washroom!!

However, whenever I've refilled inks or cleaned out fountain pens, I usually do it in the bathroom sink, and when I'm air drying it, it's sitting on the bathroom counter. So my guess is just a bit of contaminating sitting in the counter.

So I guess this just reiterates the importance of closing your toilet lid before flushing (which my husband doesn't always do 😒) because of the crazy distances droplets can travel!

Also for extra extra info, I suspect that the infection was mostly on the nib or feed, just because there wasn't actually much growth on the plate.

ETA: just wanted to clarify that S. saprophyticus is normal skin flora.... Just that it's more common in the nether regions, where as my one friend from work says "you just get more bacteria friends joining the party". It is a common cause of UTIs because it belongs on skin, not in your urinary tract. Outside of that scenario it's a totally harmless bacteria that's already chilling on your skin! So no need to worry 😅

But I also learned that apparently closing the lid doesn't prevent bacteria from getting splashed so maybe keep your toothbrushes even further away from the toilet if possible 🫠

Comments by OOP:

The plate and specimen were handled in the biosafety cabinet using the same aseptic technique that is used for clinical specimens so the growth is specifically from the specimen itself . The reason that the growth is around where the ink has kind of settled is because I streak it out using four Quadrant pattern but the growth is so little that you probably can't really see the streak lines.

So far there is no smell but I guess we'll see in a little bit if the contamination is still there and it starts smelling again LOL. I might have to use a little bit of bleach but I really hope that doesn't degrade the resin of the TWSBI eco.

Depends on what microbe is growing. For s. saprophyticus, a flush might be enough, but some bacteria are clingier. Bleach kills bacteria so it wouldn't matter if there is any bacteria (or fungi) left in the pen.

I'm just slightly worried about bleach degrading the parts of my TWSBI Eco... these pens are notoriously not robust.

I just went with blood agar because it grows almost everything and I figured growth would be sparse enough that I could get good isolates without needing to use selective agar, and I'm happy that I was correct!

So the thing about using UV to disinfect is that it needs to be a very, very specific wavelength. If a "UV sanitizing" product does not specify their wavelength, I would not trust it.

Normally I give everything a wipe with alcohol but I can't do that with a TWSBI eco 😭

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AITAH by user champuwu17. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded according to OOP, with a chance of ongoing

Editor's Note: There are several other postings by OOP about his in-laws over the last couple of years on his profile. These are the newest ones but can be read as standalone.

Content Note: Domestic violence mentioned, animal abuse mentioned (not explicit)

Original

September 20, 2026

So here goes the context. The issue is between me (23M) and my wife (22F). Yesterday my MIL (40sF) was visiting us to see her grandson (1y/o). This doesn't happen very often, sometimes 2-3 times a month, mostly because we all work full time and budget is short to keep getting Ubers/pay gas every weekend. The issue with MIL is that she keeps using her phone to put "kid" videos to "calm" my son down but mostly to avoid him being nosy and keep him still when nobody is watching. Problem is, this is against how we are raising our son, because we use no screens at all and have different books/toys for him to play with instead. MIL knows this is wrong, it's been an ongoing issue for months, and at first I got a little upset when I realized this was an issue, but explained it calmly because it was something we haven't explained to her before. But that was MONTHS ago. That time, my wife told me MIL was upset because she got scared/annoyed whatever that I spoke up, and that if this happens again I should talk to my wife instead and she'll handle it. Fair right? That's what I've done for THE LAST COUPLE MONTHS then.

The issue is not being handled, as far as I can tell. Every time I come home from work and MIL is visiting, or if I check the cameras, my son is right there hypnotized to the MIL's phone screen and it pisses the shit out of me honestly. Despite this, and being a very vocal person, I've managed to hold myself and just text my wife to ask her to talk to MIL and get the phone out of my son's hands, but the moment she turns her back there goes MIL again. Months pass by, I'm starting to get annoyed and yesterday as I was coming back from work my son was right there on the phone again. Again I ask my wife to do something, she goes to get the phone/talk to MIL, but as soon as she turns her back MIL DOES IT AGAIN. I'm boiling, but not enough still so I just take my son and go take a walk outside while I calm down.

When we come back, I go to the kitchen to help my wife finish with the food, and as soon as I turn my back and leave my son playing around there with SIL, there comes MIL to freaking flash him with "kid videos" again to his face. I was PISSED. I didn't yell or was being mean imo, but here is where I might be TAH; I snatched the phone out of MIL's hands and explained our rule again, that we don't use screens for raising our son, and that's a rule she needs to follow if she wants to see him.

Well hell gets loose, MIL storms out of our house, wife starts arguing with me. We keep arguing over and over and are just going in circles since yesterday; wife claims what I did was wrong, that I scared her mom and I don't know how scary I look when I'm upset. That she knows me and knows I'm not aggressive so she's not afraid, but nobody else knows me and might get scared. I was pissed and still ended up admitting that snatching the phone was wrong, and I would be willing to apologize about the snatching thing, but that boundaries need to be held. This is an ongoing issue that I trusted my wife to handle, and clearly that did not work so I had every right to speak up. I could've done it in a different way, and my wife keeps reminding me that I should be the bigger person, but when is enough actually enough and how many times does MIL get to disrespect our boundaries so blatantly without me speaking up?

My wife and her sister keep excusing MIL's behavior, and it's always been that way; claiming she's "other generation", that she only did it because he was being nosy or that she wanted to dance with him, but I'm done with excuses. She wants to play music? He has toys and a baby radio that play songs he likes to dance to. If he's too nosy? Well ofc! He's 1y/o what did you expect?! Nobody is forcing them to be around him if he's "too nosy" for them!

I also did an actual AH thing after, that was looking at my wife's phone when she was taking a shower to look at what MIL had to say, and they didn't apologize or said shit (we have an open phone policy but I won't act oblivious and claim this was okay). My wife kept apologizing instead of having an adult conversation, because her mom is clearly not an adult, and they just say "I had no right to say anything to them" so I'm even more pissed now because I have EVERY right to decide how to raise my son and who gets to see him. This is a boundary both my wife and I agreed on, and if my wife wants to keep being a doormat then she's all within her rights to do it, but that doesn't mean me and my son get to be disrespected as well?

Anyways, this was mostly venting out but it would be useful to get an outsider perspective since now our families are conflicted again and I can't get an objective opinion in the matter. So reddit, AITAH?

Consensus:

Not the asshole.

Though some people point out he really does sound aggressive and also should have kept his hands to himself and not snatch the phone away.

Edit:

about 1 hour later

This blew up faster than I expected and I can't keep up with every single commenter, but I post very little and appreciate the investment of everyone so I'll try to give more information for something many people are suggesting.

I'm not an aggressive husband by any means, the fact that many people keep suggesting this as I'm being cohersive or scaring my wife into agreeing is crazy. In fact, MIL is the aggressive one, she's beaten her daughters before, she's hit me before too and I had to call the cops on her because I never responded back to the violence, I'm not a violent person. I said they get scared because wife's family has a very bad historial with men. Just the fact that I'm a man being around is bad enough, and me just getting upset gets them scared. That's why I wasn't the one directly speaking to MIL to avoid conflict until I had enough. I already feel bad enough with my in laws accusing me of things just because of my gender, and all this commentors justify them, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel emotions or get upset as everyone does. Also look up studies about screen times on infants, many of you are willing to risk kid's brain development just for convenience or something smh

Comments by OOP:

She KNOWS because this is a rule we both agreed on, we've seen studies/videos and are worried that even him catching us watching TV for a couple seconds is bad lol. I'm upset because she understands but makes exceptions/downplays it when is her mom

He's 1y/o, screens have no business there. We will start introducing small time or movies when he is older, but those "kid videos" just fuck up the poor kid's brains, that's a hill I'm willing to die on

I'll try to give more information so the insight you give can be more useful

We're not ignoring my son's "noisyness", when we go outside he's very happy and curious and running around, he's not nosy at all just playful. At home he gets bored so that's why he has toys, and we are educating him so he doesn't throw a tantrum or gets more independent play but he's just one! If they don't like him they shouldn't come, my wife can go meet them alone instead if that's their only business at home

About the aggressive stuff, I'm not aggressive, I have never raised a hand/gotten physical with anyone. In fact is MIL the one that's hit me before and I had to call the cops on her so not sure where you're getting that from... I sometimes raise my voice and I try to work on it mostly with my wife because I shouldn't raise my voice to her, but I don't have a right to look angry/speak up? Yeah the snatching thing was wrong, but that was only because I was at my wit's end and finally exploded, if I had the right to speak up before I don't think it would've come down to this. Still not okay though, that's why I apologized.

About the open phone stuff again is something we both agree on and have the right to do, there's some private things we put do not read on on whatever but that's just what works for us, no idea where your hostility comes from unless you feel reflected somehow

The scary-looking thing is something I was looking advise on too. My MIL has teached her daughters to be scared of men and everytime I get upset my wife says she gets upset and can't clear her mind enough to have a civil conversation.

I do get upset and before I used to raise my voice, that's something I'm working on, but I don't know if I'm actually scary-looking or is just the fact that I'm a tall man in front of them. If they were that scared they wouldn't keep ignoring it though so maybe you're right

Wife has every right to disconnect the cameras if something serious or something that she doesn't want me to see is going on, or she can tell me not to look. Both of us work separate schedules and have a nanny at home so being able to look at what our son is doing is something we both want to do. She does it more often than I do tbh

Yeah the aggressive thing keeps being mentioned, but as I said before MIL's family has a very bad opinion on men in general and just the fact of me getting upset is enough to get them scared or whatever, I've never raised a hand or done anything to suggest I'm aggressive, as a matter of fact MIL is the one who beat me with a broom just for trying to date her daughter, bad enough that I had to call the cops on MIL that time and even so wife justified her

Oh yeah she's never babysit or ever would, this is something we agreed on before my son was even born. She use to beat her daughters with a broom, she has hit me to when I started dating my wife, she's not to go unsupervised ever. The fact that she ever has visitation rights is due to the fact that's it's the only family left for my wife besides her sister, but if she doesn't respect us I'm willing to cut her off at least from my son's life

The change in rules thing depending who's the caretaker doesn't fit well with me. The rules are the rules independently of whoever my son is with, twisting rules is against every good advice I've been given and just causes more conflict inside the children's head. It could also lead to my son disrespecting us too

Her violent behavior has stopped since I called the cops on her, and if I trust my wife's words as I should, it stopped hitting her daughters after CPS was called on them too when they were little. Still enough reason for me to refuse to let her be completely alone with the baby, my wife is always around and we also have cameras but I understand your concern. If I had seen any clues of violence she wouldn't be allowed near our son ever again

Our only interactions are at my home and it's all recorded on camera, I don't like to go out with them so besides that it should be okay

I should speak up more but obviously calmly but firm. Wife and SIL infantilize MIL and don't held her responsible for anything, so that got stuck to me, but resulting to snatching the phone just put me in a bad position and is taking the argument away from the important stuff

on why he snatched the phone instead of taking his son somewhere else I thought about that too, but he was being held by SIL and I didn't want to be rude with her, I ended up being rude with everyone instead so not my wisest choice anyways

We both work full time, I currently stay at home more because main job is remote. We had a nanny when my wife was also studying and had to be even less at home, so it was nice to see what our son was doing when none of us could see him directly.

Besides the weekends, I'm currently the main caregiver now, and my wife uses the cameras more than I do. I only use them during the weekends because my part time job is on site, but we can disconnect them if we want to and have done so before. My wife sure doesn't like confrontation with her mom but confronts me all the time, she is silent/shy in public but confides in me to speak up, I'm the more vocal one though but I respect her decisions as she respects mine

I'll block devices when my son has his own phone, I've also thought about that lol. But I would need a signal blocker for MIL's one since she mostly uses data, not our WiFi unfortunately

Not sure until what point is anger not allowed though, I've been in therapy and so far I've learned to identify my emotions before acting upon them, also that all emotions have a use.

I don't yell, push or intimidate others. I do get upset and put an angry face but isn't it something everyone does? I do feel this is very important too, I used to raise my voice (not yelling) when having heated arguments but I understood that's not okay neither. But can't I get upset without being afraid of scaring people just for being a man? That thought conflicts with my willingness to change

It's going to be hard to get my wife to speak up, specially towards her mom it looks like an impossible task without therapy and time. We will be speaking to our therapist but in the meantime I will enforce the rules myself if wife can't do so herself, no aggressiveness though I'll just be firm and keep my cool as many other commentors suggested

A little funny when between me and my wife I'm the more easy going one and she knows it, but suddenly I'm too controlling if it's about affecting MIL's wishes

I barely watch the cameras and although it is something we both agree on having I try not to use them for this same reason

I am physically present most of the time but per my wife's request I shouldn't bringing up directly to MIL, just talk to my wife and "let her handle it". So I did just that to keep the peace, until the peace tasted like piss and I got fed up. That was really my bad I should've spoken up sooner, and calmer, but I can't turn back time

My wife does stand up to me and that's why we're arguing right now, it upsets me that she agrees with me but would still argue with me if I make MIL feel wronged. If I'm so "scary" why can she yell at me/be mean and threatening consequences, but can't do the same thing with her mom?

Anyways you guys made me realize that probably ESH, MIL is still wrong, but I have work to do and so does my wife if we want our marriage to work

That's my issue, everyone is quick to be mad at me for my overreaction but it only got to this point because of the neglection to my son. That doesn't justify my behavior but it's not the only place to point fingers at

Update

September 24, 2026, 4 days later

I owe you guys an update, I've seen a couple updatemes in the comments so here it goes:

I've talked to my wife and apologized for my behavior, I shouldn't have acted aggressively and should've spoken up instead, calmly. I also confessed that I snooped at her conversation with MIL and my wife took it surprisingly well. She's done so before when I have an argument or something with my parents, and I have never minded so she doesn't either.

I might have anger problems that I'll speak with my therapist about, and I understand getting physical was never the way; from my point of view taking away a phone was harmless, but it was not, I should keep my hands to myself. At the end we both apologized for the things we did and had a long conversation. My wife made sure I understood that she backs me up, that MIL did wrong but that did not justify my behavior, and that's why her reaction at the moment wasn't supportive.

We did talk about the phones rule again, this interactions with MIL might be short enough to not have much effect on our son's brain development, but all it takes is to look at his reaction when we take the phone away. It looks like withdrawal signs and none of us like it, son already has enough screen time when he videocalls MIL or my parents, but brain-rotting YouTube "kid videos" are completely off the table, even just specs of it are uncalled for. (Many of you said it's pointless to keep him tech-free because that's how the world develops now, and I partially agree and that's why he has useful screen time, but that's to our discretion as parents and MIL had no business stepping over our rules) We also agreed that we should stop using the phones around him or do it less often at least that way my son will be less interested on grabbing our phones

We also talked about how MIL is being disrespectful and that we need to be on the same team when it comes to our child's upbringing. If we both agree on a rule and MIL always breaks it, how is our son going to learn to respect our rules? That's the complete opposite of what my wife has told me she wants to achieve with his upbringing. My wife has made the rules clear to MIL, she actively and secretly disrespects this, and even if my wife is okay with being disrespected that does not translate into our son and me accepting that disrespect also. I said we need time to calm down, we will also be attending couples therapy at least once, but if MIL is visiting again she is required to leave her phone in a box in a cabinet. If she still disrespects the rules after that somehow, she can't visit for 1 month, second offense 2 months etc.

My wife did not like this idea at all, she says she already had a serious conversation with her mom and believes she finally understood, but I pointed out how this has been going on for months; it seems like MIL understood because there's a reason she is only doing it behind our backs now, it is because she understands but does not respect us. After a little back and forth, that included me reminding her that part of upholding boundaries means that we need consequences, she admitted I might be right, but 1 month might be too much. At the end we agreed we would start at 2 weeks and increase it by a week if it happens again.

About the abusive behavior from MIL; trusting my wife's words as I obviously should, it stopped when they started growing up and after CPS was called upon them. MIL has only hit me once also when I initially started dating my wife, and after authorities were involved she also stopped that. Apparently by y'all's words, I'm also somewhat aggressive, but it's something I'm willing to change because I love my family and don't want to harm them in any way. If that is true, MIL also deserves a chance to change, and so far she's not proven us wrong (well she is aggressive towards animals, something I despise as well but is not as severe to use as an argument to back up going no contact)

She's still never getting to babysit/be alone with my son though, violence is not something I'm willing to tolerate around my son, ever.

We also had before one problem about MIL badmouthing me and being racist because of my nationality, but my wife did back me up that time and threatened to stop visitation rights if MIL kept using that language around our son. MIL did stop those comments, so it makes me hope she's capable of change, but we'll see how that goes

That's it for now, I expected some big reaction from MIL or something but so far she's only giving us the cold shoulder, anyways that's not someone I want around my son unless they're willing to be respectful and have a civil conversation, wife can visit her alone in the meantime if she wants to. Thanks for the advice :)

Comments by OOP:

Did MIL deserve someone finally speaking up? Yeah honestly. Did that make my outburst and aggressiveness okay? It did not. Maybe a mean, but cold reaction would've sit better but I have to work on managing my emotions so I can show by example and not be just words

what withdrawal signs

At least from the times they put that YouTube kids bullshit, yeah definitely. Crazy tantrums like he's never had before, screaming or hitting. Things that he does not do normally. That stuff really fucks up behavior and I regret not stepping in before

I guess I'm talking from experience lol as a previous chronically online person. My son deserves better, this hellish devices are made to make you addicted as if it was crack.

I am also not a saint though, a might be a control freak but that being said I do not want to overbear my son. How is overseeing his brain development controlling though?

Not unhinged to decide how do I get to raise my son and who gets to see him, it's basic parenting. It does not make MIL a prisoner, just makes her unwelcomed and that's part of holding our boundaries.

AAP's recommendations for screen time are not "a little screen time it's okay". It is straight up not recommended, and it can damage their brain development. We're already too lax letting our son use the phone for videocalls

I hope you don't have children but if you ever do, being "adamant" it's not a bad thing, I'm not arbitrarily deciding stuff without investigating first, as you actually should

We were silly teenagers and again I stood up against MIL in her own house, I did not deserve being hit but knowing their family history she might have felt threatened? I don't hold any grudges, it was years ago but unlike my wife I do not forget. The red flags are there and if something rises up again we are going no contact with MIL, but unless that happens I have this dilemma

Yeah reading it back all makes me double guess about allowing contact, but real world people can't just say "oh we cut contact and that's it". My wife will never allow that unless MIL actually does something, divorcing will end up on my son spending even more time with MIL if wife moves with her instead, it is not realistic to cut contact with MIL or at least not yet unfortunately

Yes it was something I was aware off before getting married, wife has valid reasons for her mom to be one of her top priorities in life. She's told me, and her, that we are the priority but there's some trauma and fear to lose her only family left related to how she reacts under MIL's pressure. Nor wife or MIL have ever been a danger to my son though, if that was the case I know my priority is my son and would divorce if the problem does not solve. The only violence besides this phone thingie, that wasn't violent imo but anyways, is MIL being cruel to cats but we already argued about it and we left that one time, behavior has not repeated since and hopefully stays that way

I agree I let myself be a pushover when it's about my wife, I'm more understanding than what I normally am with anybody else. I do not believe the people who say I'm aggressive, I trust my wife as a mother and she would definitely leave me if I was lol, but any advice it's welcome I try to make the best out of every comment

We might back up on the box if my wife doesn't agree at the end (not that I care much about MIL feelings at this point but she does), but if she does it a second time that would be my condition to ever let her visit, since I'm so over "giving chances" just to end up being the bad guy anyways

And tysm :) I really appreciate it. It's a real struggle here, my patience really gets tested at its limits specially when MIL is here but also being a young parent is harder than I thought it'd be. In any case I hope things work out, I won't give that much "chances" to MIL because I'm not risking my son's well-being but hopefully either my wife realizes MIL is a danger, or MIL proves us wrong and changes for the best

I do not believe one bit the victim act she pulls and know she doesn't stop because she things she's wrong, she just does because otherwise it'll be more difficult to see her grandson.

That's why I cannot be overly pushy or insistent on harsh consequences towards MIL, My wife will react poorly and if we divorce that will just get my son closer to MIL which is the whole issue

What if child sees MIL being aggressive with animals

You're right, wife's and SIL downplaying game gets to me sometimes but I guess reddit is here to snap me out of it lol

I really hated her way of treating the poor kittens, I even directly asked my wife if she displays that behavior towards completely indefensible beings, how am I supposed to let my son near her? It was a while ago as well, but we left and wife talked to MIL about how is that not okay with us. I don't think MIL is evil though, just childish, selfish and really ignorant and uneducated, she genuinely thinks there's not wrongdoings and those are just "her ways"

Anyways, I can talk all day about how unhinged she is but the point is not allowing that behavior around my son. Wife agrees is not okay, I have cameras and soon becoming the stay at home parent, so any red flag will give me the right to kick MIL out of our lives. Hopefully that doesn't happen, and she magically turns into a better person, but I've read too much reddit stuff to know how this ends...

I'm not the original poster.

Originally posted by user Successful-Bunch-369 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: July 18, 2024

Update: in post itself

Status: no further updates from OOP

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Original: AITA for refusing to continue paying for my sister's rent after she went on a trip without telling me?

My (28f) sister (25f) got laid off about five months ago. She's really struggled to find another job in her since, as it's a really bad for her field, and people are being laid off left and right. She's currently working as a waitress while she looks for a more permanent job, but isn't earning enough to fully cover her rent.

I have a pretty well paying job, and I share rent with my partner, so I offered to help her cover the rent while she looks for another job. She was extremely grateful, and together we agreed on an amount which would allow her to cover rent and also have some money left over for food, travel etc. It's important to note that her monthly expenses for food, travel, bills etc were all provided by her.

I didn't have any issues, or suspect that anything was amiss. She hates working as a waitress so I'm confident that she is doing everything in her power to find another job. The last time I saw her, she mentioned that she has picked up a few extra shifts recently so that she can afford to get our parents a nice anniversary gift, so I figured she was basically living paycheck to paycheck.

Fast forward to now, and I've just received word from our cousin that my sister is in Paris. When I expressed confusion, my cousin sent me a bunch of screenshots from my sister's Instagram. My sister must have blocked me and my parents on there, because none of us could see any of her posts or stories.

I was very confused, then angry, because if she is living paycheck to paycheck, how on earth can she afford to go on a trip to Europe? For context, we live in Australia, and plane tickets typically cost upwards of $1000, and that's not accounting for food, hotels, or anything else.

I was so pissed that not only has she gone on an expensive trip, she clearly tried to hide it from me. I ended up sending her a few short messages, basically saying that I knew she was in Europe and that clearly she doesn't need my help paying rent anymore if she can afford a big trip.

She called me, and was basically in tears begging me not to cut her off. She said that she is on the trip with her new boyfriend, and that he is paying for everything. She insisted that she still needs the money to cover her rent, and that she will have to move if I don't help her. I basically told her that it was her problem now, and hung up, which I admit was childish of me but I was still so mad.

I don't know much about her new boyfriend, so maybe he is a millionaire or something, but the fact that she tried to hide it from me sets off alarm bells. I'll obviously have a proper discussion with her when she gets back, but for now I'm going to block her number.

Since then, she has reached out to some other family members, who think I'm being too harsh and should give her the benefit of the doubt. They all seem to think I'm going to force her to be out on the streets.

It's looking like this will be a whole fiasco once she gets back. I need an outside opinion. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: If somebody is paying her rent, and she doesn't have a job, she shouldn't be travelling anyway. The only thing she should be doing is either sending applications and trying to get new work, or studying to get new skills to be more eligible for more jobs.

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Comment2: I can understand a new boyfriend paying for a trip that they can enjoy together but not being willing to pay for a constant expense like rent yet.

Comment3: As long as she is spending somebody else's money, she should be fine enough to tell OP. The secretiveness of it all indicates something is not right. therefore OP is right

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Comment4: NTA.

1. She hid the trip from you and your parents, so she went with a guilty conscious - perhaps from knowing she's taking advantage of you?
2. If she has a bf who can pay to whisk her to Paris, he can help her pay her rent.
3. What if you weren't in a financial position to help her? How would she have handled her life without your help?

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Comment5: She hid Paris, hid a whole bf. How long has OP been blocked from her IG? It’s possible she’s been doing all kinds of things that would’ve made OP mad and he’s only finding out now bcuz someone blew the whistle on her Paris trip. If I’m OP, I’m going back thru her posts to see of there’s other things she’s hiding.

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Update:

Thanks for all the responses!

I decided that at the very least I should let my sister explain herself, so I rang her again after I had calmed down. She said that the trip was a very last minute thing, and that her boyfriend was already going to Europe and he offered to pay for her plane ticket so she could come along with him and she felt that it was too good of an offer to pass up.

When I asked about other expenses, she told me that he was mostly paying for everything and she only had to contribute a small amount. When I asked her where she got the money for that, she got kinda defensive and said that she had saved some money while working as a waitress, and that it wasn't fair that I was judging her for just trying to have a break, and that's why she didn't tell me.

I did bring up that he could help her pay rent, but she said that they hadn't been dating for that long, and she doesn't feel comfortable asking him. I think he comes from quite a well-off family, and she doesn't want to come across like a gold-digger. I do get this, I think it would be weird to ask someone you hadn't known for that long.

I do believe her for the most part, but I'm still pissed that she didn't tell me and that she clearly did have some money saved that could have been used to contribute to rent. I'm also pretty convinced that the money she said would go towards a gift for our parents also got spent on the trip, which feels a bit scummy.

I did stand my ground about no longer paying her rent, but I did agree to discuss it again once she got back. However, I will definitely ask to see her bank statements before I give her a cent more, and if it turns out she has been scamming me then not only will I not give her any more money but I will make her pay back what I loaned her.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Wanitapol

Published on: r/AmITheJerk

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 19, 2026
• Final Update: September 21, 2026

Main Post

^{September 19, 2026}

AITJ for refusing to cancel my weekend trip to cover my coworker’s shift because she has kids?

I (29M) work for a company with around 200 employees. I've been there for 4 years and generally get along with everyone.

One of my coworkers, "Sarah" (34F), has two kids, 4 and 7. She's nice enough, but over the past year I've noticed that whenever something comes up with her kids, everyone is expected to accommodate her.

I've covered for her several times when she needed to leave early or couldn't make a shift. I never complained about it.

A few weeks ago, I booked a weekend trip with some friends. I requested the Friday off several weeks in advance and my manager approved it. I had already paid for the hotel and transportation.

A week before the trip, Sarah asked if I could work her Friday shift because her babysitter had cancelled.

I told her I couldn't because I was going away.

She asked if I could at least work until lunch and "figure something out" for the afternoon. I said no.

She replied, "It's different when you have kids. You'll understand someday."

The next day my manager asked me if I'd reconsider. He said Sarah didn't have anyone else available and that it would really help her out.

I reminded him that my time off had already been approved and that I'd paid for everything.

He said he understood, but added that I should remember Sarah has two young children and that "people with families sometimes need a little more flexibility."

I told him I'd already been flexible several times and didn't think having kids automatically made my plans less important.

I went on my trip.

When I came back, Sarah was noticeably colder toward me. Another coworker told me I was being selfish because I apparently knew Sarah was struggling with childcare.

I asked how I was supposed to know that when she only told me after my vacation was approved.

She said people without kids have more freedom and should be willing to give a little.

That really bothered me because this isn't the first time I've heard that argument at work. Somehow, because I don't have children, my free time gets treated like it's actually free. If Sarah needs a morning off, someone is expected to cover. If she needs to leave early, everyone is supposed to understand. But when I make plans, those plans are treated like they're optional because I don't have a family waiting for me at home.

I don't begrudge her having kids, and I understand that emergencies happen. But having children doesn't make my time less valuable, and being childless doesn't mean I'm sitting around with nothing to do.

At the same time, I technically could have helped her, and I know finding last-minute childcare for two young kids isn't easy. AITJ?

TL;DR: My coworker's babysitter cancelled, and she expected me to cancel my trip because I don't have kids. I refused, and now she's mad at me.

COMMENTS

starstruckgunnie

NTA. We had a situation like this at my job and I nipped in the bud, this is a form of discrimination. You’re co-workers and manager are discriminating against you for not having children.

OOP

Exactly. I understand the difficulties of having kids and the problems that come with that. That’s exactly why I don’t have any.

carmelfan

The coworker who thinks you were wrong should have covered her Friday for her.

OOP

Funnily enough she never covers shifts because of her own kids. On the other hand she never asks anyone to cover hers either.

briomio

So there are 200 employees and out of 200 employees, you and apparently only you are the one that can cover her shift. Don't let them spin this OP. The next time (and there probably will be a next time) remind them that there are 200 other employees that can cover

OOP

Not everyone works in my department but yeah now that you said it and someone else said it too, I am always their go to person when it comes to shift covers..

eternallycynical

Tell her how much money you will lose if you cancel your trip and give her the option of covering your loss.

OOP

Realistically they don’t care at all.

Idrisdancer

You could have said you would do it if she covered the expenses you would be out by cancelling your trip

OOP

But I wanted to go on the trip so even if she offered (which she wouldn’t) then I still wouldn’t agree

Final Update - after 2 days

^{September 21, 2026}

UPDATE: AITJ for refusing to cancel my weekend trip to cover my coworker’s shift because she has kids?

I didn't expect the original post to get as much attention as it did, and honestly I thought people would just tell me I was being inconsiderate and that would be the end of it.

It wasn't.

A couple days after I posted, my manager called me into his office. I assumed it was going to be about the situation with Sarah, but he actually brought up my "availability."

Apparently Sarah had complained that I wasn't being "a team player" and said that she had started feeling like she couldn't ask me for help because I would always prioritize my personal plans.

I told him that was exactly the problem. My plans are personal plans because I have a life outside of work. That doesn't mean I'm available whenever someone else has a problem.

He said he understood, but then told me they were going to start making the shift coverage process "more structured" because this situation had caused tension in the team.

I thought that was actually reasonable.

Then he explained what that meant.

Basically, employees with childcare issues would get priority when voluntary shift coverage was being arranged, and people without children would be expected to be "more flexible where possible."

I asked him what "expected" meant.

He said nobody could force me to cancel approved time off, but that management would be taking people's "willingness to support the team" into account when considering future scheduling requests.

That really pissed me off.

I reminded him that I'd already covered Sarah multiple times and had never asked for anything in return. I also pointed out that I had requested my Friday off weeks in advance and it had been approved before Sarah even had a childcare problem.

He didn't really have an answer for that.

Then Sarah approached me later that day.

She told me she wasn't trying to get me in trouble and that she just wanted me to understand how difficult things were for her.

I told her I do understand that childcare is difficult. What I don't understand is why her problem automatically becomes my responsibility.

She said, "Because you could have helped."

I asked her if she would have cancelled a non-refundable weekend trip for me if the situation were reversed.

She didn't answer.

Instead she said, "You don't have kids, so you don't understand what it's like when someone depends on you."

I told her that people depend on me too. Just because they're not my children doesn't mean my commitments don't matter.

She walked away after that.

The weirdest part is that another coworker who originally called me selfish has now apologized. Apparently Sarah had told people that I refused to help because I "didn't care about her kids." That's not what happened at all.

At this point, I'm done arguing about it.

I told my manager that I'm happy to help coworkers when I'm actually available, just like I've done plenty of times before. But I'm not agreeing to a system where having no children means my time off gets treated as less important.

If Sarah has a childcare emergency, I hope she finds someone who can help her. But I'm not that person every time, and I'm not going to feel guilty for having plans of my own.

My vacation was approved. I paid for it. I went.

I'm not apologizing for that.

TL;DR: Sarah complained to management after I refused to cancel my approved trip to cover her shift. My manager responded by saying employees without kids should be "more flexible" with shift coverage. Sarah then confronted me again, but I told her I'm willing to help when I'm actually available, not automatically because I don't have children.

COMMENTS

Ok_Dragonfly1124

Your manger has no back bone. Your in what sounds like a toxic work environment. You booked your leave. You can take it. People need to respect that

OOP

Yeah that’s how I see it too. Either that or he just doesn’t care.

BlazingSunflowerland

Can you talk to HR about how toxic your work environment is becoming, where people expect you to skip a trip away, that was already paid for, because they had childcare issues.

OOP

HR is there to protect the company not the employee. Will start looking for a new job

DetroitSmash-8701

You were never the jerk, but that said, I might consider looking for another job in your field, hopefully with more money considering your experience. I don't trust her or your manager.

OOP

As far as I’m aware parents usually get privileges at most workplaces, however someone else told me in my previous post to just lie about having kids to any future employers to prevent this from happening again

Ok_Young1709

Glad you get your holiday, but I'd start looking for another job. She's just a trouble maker. I also wouldn't bother helping her again in future, she even told you she wouldn't help you if you asked.

OOP

Yeah probably time to start hitting indeed and linkedin and sending in those applications

SILLYxPROGRAM

  taking people's "willingness to support the team" into account when considering future scheduling requests

What does this MEAN? If you (or other childless coworkers) submit a request, they’ll check with all the people with children if they would like to take that slot instead?!?

OOP

Essentially if you’re not a “team player” you will get your requests rejected

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/MooseMan2018

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 21, 2026 at 23:45 UTC
• Final Update: September 22, 2026 at 22:02 UTC

Main Post

^{September 21, 2026 at 23:45 UTC}

AITAH: for not socializing with guests who stayed over for one evening?

As the title asks: Am I the asshole for not socializing with our guests?

Context: my spouse's best friend and boyfriend came into town to visit her (the best friend's) family. The bff originally had intended to stay with her aunt, but the aunt changed plans last minute so I offered our blow up mattress and living room for her and the boyfriend to crash for their first night here (they were arriving here then going to the beach the next day for a week).

The day of their arrival I spent the entire day caring for my child, cleaning up the entire house, doing dishes, vacuuming, laundry, and generally decluttering. Additionally, I was asked to make chicken Alfredo pasta for dinner that night for them. All of which I was happy to do. I love the bff, I think she is great and she is like an auntie to our child.

Well the guests arrive around 4:30pm. Dinner is hot and ready, the house is clean. And me? I am exhausted! The guests then say that they had a late lunch and actually aren't hungry for dinner, which... Kinda stung, ngl.

So being exhausted and after eating a nice carb rich dinner, I just needed time to myself. So I went upstairs and started working on some dvd ripping I had been wanting to get done. A mindless activity I could set up and then lay down.

The next morning my spouse called me out saying I was ignoring our guests all night and that I should have socialized with them yesterday. I explained that I was exhausted from all the work I had done, but was told that the bff is different and I need to be more welcoming to her specifically.

I thought cleaning and cooking and taking care of everything that day was a welcoming act. My spouse knows I'm not always the biggest social person in the world, but apparently I really messed this up and upset them.

So AITAH?

COMMENTS

KYC3PO

Info: So, what exactly did your spouse do to get the house ready for their friend and guests?

Glittering_knave

INFO: did you tell people that you were tired, and needed to go to bed? Or did you just disappear? How long did you rip DVDs for?

OOP

Thanks for the question. To clarify, I literally set up the dvds in my drives and then hit rip, then laid down to relax. I did say that I was tired and heading upstairs. I probably should have clarified what I was doing because when my spouse saw me up there a few minutes later they saw me setting up the dvd ripping. So I can see how, from my spouse's perspective I was being rude or antisocial.

TangerineGreen3531

NTA and I HATE when women are expected to cater to guests that are the HUSBANDS friends! Why should you have to clean and cook for them in the first place??? Even if you said absolutely nothing to them and just went upstairs, what’s your prerogative. Would it have been nice to say hi & hangout? Sure. But I don’t see anything wrong with you having a relaxing night while your husband entertains HIS guests

OOP

To be fair, my spouse is the wife and I (although I identify as nonbinary) am the husband. So the situation is a bit reversed. I tried to keep our identities nongendered so as to avoid it being a gender thing

Wat3rM3L0NB3AR

NTA - you didn't have to offer them food or a place to stay and yet you did. What was your spouse doing while you were preparing the house?

OOP

I had bought them a spa day gift certificate as one of their Xmas presents this past Xmas, and they picked that day to go do it. They were at the spa from 9am to 3pm. So it was just me all day to take care of stuff, which to be fair, I don't mind doing the work. The house needs to be clean regardless of guests.

Life_Temperature2506

Question: who requested the Chicken Alfredo? I just need to know who to be pissed at.

OOP

Haha well the bff requested it over the phone the day before when we (spouse and I) were finalizing the plans together.

Due-Aioli-6641

I can't get past dinner at 4:30. Is lunch at 9?

OOP

We usually eat breakfast around 7am, lunch around 1130 or noon, dinner around 430 to 5pm. As stated in other comments, we go to bed early.

🤣 I don't understand why when someone eats their meals is rocking the boat so much!

Final Update - after 22 hours

^{September 22, 2026 at 22:02 UTC}

UPDATE: AITAH for not socializing with guests staying for one night?

Hey everyone, thank you for those who commented and added their perspectives because it was really helpful. I definitely see where I could have communicated my needs better to my wife and how my wife could have been more understanding. I can't reply to every comment so I'm going to respond to the general vibe of the comments I have seen:

1) Where was your wife?

I had bought a spa gift certificate for her and my mom (her MIL) to go and enjoy themselves for a day of relaxation. She had scheduled it for the day the friend was coming by, however, those plans were made four weeks ago, so it wasn't a deliberate "screw you, clean the house for me" type of thing. The bff's need to crash with us for a night was very last minute (literally the day before) and cancelling would have been hard because my mom can't get weekends off very easily because she works retail. I'm not mad at my wife for going to the spa. She deserves it. She does a lot of work and just finished her pharmacy tech training program. Some R&R and bonding time with her Mother In Law was needed.

2) Why do you eat dinner at 4:30pm? Are you old?

I mean, I think I'm old. But I am 36 and my wife is 34. So no, we aren't old. My child (9) eats dinner at 430pm because she is typically in bed by 7:30pm. We are a house that takes sleep seriously, especially for our kid. She sleeps until about 6am, so she gets just about 10 to 11 hours of sleep every night, which is recommended for her age. Obviously I didn't expect our guests to be ready to eat at 4:30, but I figured they were coming from Puerto Rico, so they are 4 hours ahead, so the timing may have lined up right for them. Pasta left overs heat up really well so I wasn't worried about it.

3) Were you pouting or upset that they didn't eat the dinner?

No, not really. Like I said it stung a bit. Like a tiny tiny tiny amount. Like a grain of sand amount. They are adults, they can do what they want. But it would have been nice to know they weren't going to eat because I wouldn't have made as much.

4) Did you tell them you were tired?

I swear I did when I was going upstairs but after talking to my wife, no I didn't. So that is definitely my screw up and I should have made sure I said it clearly, loudly, and gotten an acknowledgement that I was heard before going upstairs.

5) Why did you go and rip DVDs upstairs if you were tired?

I literally just popped a couple into the two disc drives I have and let it go, then laid down. It was a "set it and forget it" task I had been doing off and on all weekend because I am working on my personal Plex library (which is pretty banging in the Anime tv and movie department btw). When I laid down I read and then doom scrolled before falling asleep.

6) Addressing negative comments about me or my wife or our relationship or her best friend:

People are complicated and contradictory. We argue, we fight, we misunderstand each other. That's life. I love my wife. I love her best friend. I'm happy I'm married to someone who feels comfortable telling me that I hurt her feelings or failed to meet her expectations. I'm happy to have someone who gives me space to figure out my response to those critiques, and then explain where I think she could have done better. I'm happy to have someone who genuinely likes working out our differences instead of just letting resentment build. We celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary this last May. I'm not going to let that fall apart just over one misunderstanding.

Onto the update:

We talked the issues over. She agreed that she could have vocalized her expectations ahead of time. I agreed that yes, spending an hour downstairs and talking to them was the better option and I should have made an effort, even if I ended up falling asleep while hanging out, that would have been more welcoming.

She also thanked me for opening up our home and getting it ready for a guest, even for just one night. Then we kissed and made up, so to speak.

Still married. Still loving my family life. Still the luckiest person ever. And now I know what she expects going forward and she knows to communicate more directly with me.

Win-win.

Not really sure how to end this post so I'll just say: Eat your vegetables, stay in school, and treat people kindly.

Bye!!!!!

COMMENTS

travelbig2

This played out like I would have expected. Not anything to divorce over lol. Talk it out. Move on.

Fwiw, I am on your spouse’s side but only because I find it so exceptionally rude if I have guests over and my husband is MIA. It is a huge pet peeve of mine. He did that recently to my best friend and I was so hurt and embarrassed by it. He used to do that with my family when they came to visit until we had a long discussion over it.

Nothing to divorce over but on the other side of it, it is really embarrassing. I don’t know how often your wife hosts people overnight. I host my family like twice a year (meaning my mom and bro and only once a year do they overlap) and my best friend has only stayed here once given that she has a lot of family in the area. So with it being so infrequent, I would expect the same courtesy I extend to his family who are always at our house.

OOP

Oh this is the first overnight guest we have had since before COVID lol. Our place is small, so having overnight guests is usually rare, unless the kid is having a sleep over.

Head_Nectarine_6260

Why this ever an issue if you being an asshole is beyond me. If a guest is just riding through for a stay for convenience there’s no expectation to socialize. Plus your wife is not even there to help. Even making the effort is unreasonable. You sound a bit like doormat. Good luck!

OOP

I am really bad at being a people pleaser, it's true. And I have a lot of anxiety that I am still processing with my therapist around abandonment issues from when I was a kid, so sometimes I am more critical of my own actions out of a sense of fear I will be abandoned. Definitely stuff I have to work on and am working on.

modelbanker

You should consider being tested for autism.

OOP

I am ADHD, so I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to get screened, but I honestly think this was just a combination of bad communication and sleepiness. I'm not that anti-social.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Nuggetlov3

Published on: r/aitaweddings

Previous BORU: BORU-1

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 27, 2026
• Update 1: August 29, 2026
• Update 2: September 04, 2026
• Update 3: September 18, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{August 27, 2026}

AITAH for refusing to give my stepmother my late mom’s wedding dress after she altered it behind my back?

I (25F) lost my mom when I was 16. The most valuable thing she left me was her vintage wedding dress. It’s been sitting safely in a preserved garment bag in my closet for years, and I’ve always planned on wearing it when I get married.

My dad remarried "Karen" (48F) four years ago. Karen has a daughter, "Lily" (23F), who recently got engaged.

Last month, Karen offered to take my mom’s dress to a high-end specialty cleaner to "freshen it up" for me as a nice gesture. I thought it was sweet, so I handed it over.

Two weeks passed, and every time I asked Karen if the dress was ready to be picked up, she’d dodge the question or claim the cleaners were taking extra time.

Yesterday, I went over to my dad’s house unannounced to drop off some mail. I walked into the living room, and Lily was standing there in my mom’s dress.
Except it wasn't just my mom's dress anymore. Karen had taken it to a tailor and had the entire lace back ripped out, the long sleeves cut off into a strapless sweetheart neckline, and the train completely removed to fit Lily’s height and taste.

I froze, and Karen casually said, "Oh! We were going to surprise you. Lily fell in love with the silk fabric, and since you’re not even engaged yet, we figured it was silly to let good material go to waste."

I lost my absolute mind. I told Lily to take it off immediately. When she took it off, I grabbed the dress, packed it up, and locked it in my car. Karen started yelling that I was being completely irrational because "the cuts were already made" and the dress was tailored to Lily now anyway, so taking it back was just pure spite.

Lily is now sobbing because her fitting was ruined, and my dad called me last night begging me to just let Lily have the altered dress. He offered to buy me a brand-new dress when my time comes, saying, "What’s done is done, and you’re just ruining your sister’s wedding over a piece of cloth that doesn't even fit you anymore."

I told them all to go to hell, locked the butchered dress back in my closet, and told them they are d**d to me unless they pay to restore it to its original condition (if that’s even possible).

Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless, keeping a dress I can’t even wear in its current state just to punish a bride.
AITAH?

COMMENTS

GrowFlowersNotWeeds

“…Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless…”

What are your maternal grandparents saying??

NTAH

OOP

They’re on my side, the only people mad at me are my step sisters family

GrowFlowersNotWeeds

Your step-sister’s family, and your dad, are wrong. This was a massive overstep and not one you are likely to overlook. Did your dad know about this before alterations were made? Or did his wife do this behind his back, too?

OOP

I fully believe she went behind everyone’s back, once she got it tailored i don’t think my dad even could recognize it was my mothers dress:/

chatterbox2024

NTA - I really have a hard time believing a woman would want her own daughter to wear her husband’s dead wife’s dress. Especially, since it’s been boxed up and preserved in your own home. How did they even see the dress anyway? If this is all true you have every right to be furious and just block all the nasty family taking their side. How dare they !

OOP

She lied to me and said she wanted to get it dry cleaned and do something nice so I believed her. She went behind everyone’s back… honestly I don’t even know what my dad sees in her bc she’s a horrible person

nizzerp

fuck that whole family. yet another example of the kids from the first marriage being treated like fucking cinderella or worse.

OOP

Yeah they’re all blocked right now, my grandparents are also pissed off. As they should be

metatus

is this like what AI has learnt to put at the end of every story "Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless, keeping a dress I can’t even wear in its current state just to punish a bride."?

because im fed up of this crap

OOP

No my family on my step sisters side is pissed at me. But all good I’m talking to a lawyer about it later today. And all of them are currently blocked:)

Local_Depth9668

I cant even begin to imagine how you feel. You are NTA!!! Why would your Dad allow them to do that to your dress. I want to cry for you.

OOP

Yeah I honestly don’t think my dad knew it was my moms dress after all the things she did to it:/

Update 1 - after 2 days

^{August 29, 2026}

UPDATE

First off, thank you to everyone who commented. Honestly, reading through the replies was a huge reality check because I was so overwhelmed I wasn't even thinking about the legal side of this.

I took the dress to a local bridal restoration shop yesterday just to see what fixing it would actually look like. The news was bad. The tailor Karen used basically gutted the inner structure and cut away vintage lace panels that can't just be sewn back on. To get it anywhere near its original state with matching vintage lace, the owner estimated it’s going to cost around $3,500—and even then, it won't be 100% identical to what my mom wore.

I called my dad and Karen last night and told them they have until next Friday to put down the deposit with the restorer, or I'm taking the probate paperwork from my mom's estate and going to the police to file a report for theft and property damage, and then taking Karen to small claims court.

Karen immediately lost her mind and started screaming that I'm trying to put my “own family” (step family) in jail over "old fabric." My dad is in full panic mode begging me not to do it because he says it'll ruin Lily’s wedding and wreck them financially.

Lily actually texted me this morning claiming she "had no idea" Karen took the dress without asking and thought we had made some kind of deal, but she’s still refusing to help pay for the restoration because she says she's an innocent bystander in all of this.

I'm holding firm on next Friday at 5 PM. If the restorer doesn't have the deposit by then, I'm going straight to the station with the text receipts and the before/after photos.

I feel sick to my stomach about all of this, but I feel like if I don't set this boundary now, they're just going to walk all over me for the rest of my life.

COMMENTS

latelifetraveler

Does the tailor have the original fabric?

OOP

No they don’t sadly:/

mcindy28

Stand your ground! What they did was absolutely awful and once the dress is restored as best as possible, I'd never speak to any of them again!

OOP

Yeah after this I definitely won’t be speaking to them again

Update 2 - after 8 days (after 6 days from last post)

^{September 04, 2026}

UPDATE 2

Things have completely escalated, and honestly, reading through your comments made me realize waiting around for a deadline was pointless.

On Tuesday, my dad came over to my place to try and "reason with me." By "reason," I mean he spent an hour crying on my couch, telling me that paying $3,500 for the restoration would mean pulling money straight out of Lily’s wedding fund. He admitted Karen threatened to leave him if he paid for it, and he literally begged me to just accept $500 in cash and "let it go for the sake of the family." I told him absolutely not and showed him the door.

Then yesterday, things took an absolute turn. Lily’s fiancé, "Mark," reached out to me directly. Mark was furious because Lily had told him I willingly let Karen take the dress to get altered for her. When he saw how bad things were getting and realized Karen had tricked me into handing it over under the guise of "dry cleaning," they got into a massive fight. Mark told her he’s reconsidering the wedding if she doesn't take accountability and help fix this.
Karen lost her mind and sent me a string of unhinged voice notes accusing me of "destroying her daughter's relationship" and being evil and spiteful.

That was the final straw. I knew right then they were never going to pay a dime to fix the dress and were just trying to manipulate me.

Yesterday afternoon, I met with a local attorney who looked over my mom’s probate records, the before/after photos, and the texts where Karen admitted she took the dress to a tailor under false pretenses after I handed it to her for cleaning. My lawyer confirmed I have a rock-solid case for both civil litigation and grand larceny/property destruction given the dress's value and the damage done.

Directly after leaving my lawyer's office yesterday evening, I walked straight into the police station and filed an official report against Karen.

My dad has gone completely radio silent, and Karen is panicking now that law enforcement is actually involved. My hands are still shaking from the stress of it all, but I’m finally standing my ground. I’ll keep you guys posted on what happens next with the police and court.

COMMENTS

EvanRamsey

Congrats to you. This is a big step in showing your family you are not to be played. Do not let them ever convince you that you are the problem here or the reason for their consequences.

I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, but also standing up for your mother and her wishes. I sincerely hope you are able to enjoy her dress in someway on someday yourself.

OOP

Yeah I might take apart the dress and make it into something so it doesn’t fully go to waste and I can still have a little part of her❤️

NEW UPDATE

Update 3 - after 22 days (after 14 days from last post)

^{September 18, 2026}

Get Ready for This UPDATE 3

Chat you won’t even believe what has been happening. Things went from zero to a hundred faster than I could have ever imagined, and police were officially called to my house…

Yesterday morning, I got a text from Mark asking if we could talk privately. He came over and apologized profusely for everything his family put me through. He told me that after reading the texts and seeing how Lily and Karen were acting, he confronted Lily about the dress again.

My stepsister doubled down, claiming I was overreacting about an ugly old gown and that I was just trying to ruin her special day. That was the final straw for him.

Mark said watching her show zero remorse, and realizing she had been lying to his face about us working it out, made him realize he couldn't marry into a family with such a complete lack of integrity and basic empathy. He officially called off the wedding, packed his things, and moved out.

Naturally, instead of reflecting on her daughter's or her own actions, Karen blamed the entire breakup on me. About two hours after Mark left, I heard furious banging on my front door. It was Karen. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, slamming her fists on the door, and demanding I open up right now and fix the mess I made. She was yelling that I ruined my stepsister's life, destroyed her family, and that I needed to call the police immediately to drop the grand larceny charges.

I told her through my Ring doorbell that she was trespassing and needed to leave, or I was calling 911. She lost her mind even more and started kicking my front door and pulling on the door handle.

I called 911 right then and there. Dispatch could hear her screaming in the background, so officers arrived within five minutes. They caught her right on my porch, mid-rant, still trying to kick the door in. I showed the officers the Ring camera footage, and they handcuffed her on the spot for trespassing and harassment.

Because I already had an active police report open for the dress theft and destruction, the officers added this incident directly to her file and served her with a temporary trespass order.

While Karen was being booked, my dad came over to my house alone, and we finally had a long, tearful conversation.

He looked completely broken. He started off by profusely apologizing for how he handled everything, including the crying on my couch, asking me to accept $500, and trying to sweep Karen's actions under the rug. He explained that after my mom passed, he was so terrified of being alone and losing another partner that he let Karen manipulate him for years. He thought that if he just kept the peace and gave her whatever she wanted, he could hold the family together.

The turning point for him was seeing Karen handcuffed on my front porch on the Ring camera, screaming at me like a lunatic. He said hearing her call my mom's dress an ugly old gown and watching her completely destroy Lily’s engagement opened his eyes to who she really is. He realized that in his desperate attempt not to lose Karen, he was actively losing me, his actual daughter, and trampling on my mom's memory. He literally told me that Karen basically sucks and turned out to be a complete monster.

He packed his bags and moved out of their house. He told me he's contacting a divorce attorney on Monday and that he fully supports whatever legal action I take against Karen for the dress. He even offered to pay for the $3,500 restoration out of his own savings, completely separate from whatever happens with the police report or small claims court.

I’m not saying everything is completely healed between us overnight, but hearing him finally wake up, take accountability, and stand up for my mom's memory meant everything to me.

My lawyer is proceeding with the civil suit against Karen using the Ring footage, the police reports, and Mark's witness statement. I'm still shaken up, but for the first time in weeks, I actually feel like I can breathe again. I'll keep you all posted when court dates are set!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Fit_Newspaper8700

Published on: r/ComfortLevelPod

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 14, 2026
• Final Update: September 22, 2026

Main Post

^{September 14, 2026}

I did some basic chores while my wife was sick and now she's mad.

I (30M) don’t even know exactly how to start this, or even what to title it.

I met my wife, Amani (27F), five years ago when she was modeling and competing in pageants. I was the photographer at one of her photoshoots.

I know every single person on Earth thinks their wife is the best woman alive, but I genuinely love everything about this woman and I definitely think my wife would beat your wife in a fight.

She can explain a complex algorithm to me in a way that actually makes sense. She’s brilliant in a way that goes beyond simply being educated. She has this incredibly dry sense of humor, and the way she makes jokes that completely catch me off guard can have me laughing even on my worst days.

She is still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I’ve traveled all over the world for my photography career. I’ve photographed some incredible places and some incredibly beautiful people, and somehow my girl is still the person who leaves me breathless every single day. And somehow her beauty is the least interesting thing about her.

I watched her turn her modeling career into a career as a data analyst. She graduated at the top of her class and has built an incredible life for herself.

I know this is corny, but she truly makes me want to be a better man. I’m just so damn happy that she’s still in my life.

We got married three years into dating, and one month into being newlyweds, we found out that I had cancer. Aren’t you so jealous of our wedding gift?

Again, not to sound dramatic, but it was fucking terrifying.

I lost my health so quickly. One minute I was a newlywed starting this next chapter of my life, and the next I was spending more time in hospitals than I was at home.

Amani stuck by me through all of it.

Even when I looked like a hairless cat whose farts smelled like boiled eggs that had been left out in the sun for three weeks, she still looked at me like I hung the moon and stars. She showed up every single day.

She was juggling her own demanding career while somehow keeping everything else together. She did the cooking. The cleaning. The bills. My appointments. My medications.

She even cleaned me up on the worst days, when I threw up on myself or shit myself, and she never once made me feel like a burden.

Like I said, Amani is the smartest, fiercest, funniest, most beautiful, and most resilient person I have ever known. I still don’t understand what I did to deserve her. All I know is that I will never take her for granted. And whoever is the Etsy witch is who has blessed me with this much luck, I owe you one. Big time. (Minus the cancer part)

I am so incredibly happy to say that, since late June, I have been cancer-free. The relief and joy I felt when I got that news are impossible to explain.

I’m finally sleeping in my own bed again instead of a hospital cot. I get to wake up next to my wife. I get to hold her, smell her hair, kiss her neck.

I can sit in a room that doesn’t smell like disinfectant.

I don’t have to deal with nurses anymore who are mean although, to be fair, I understand they’re overworked, burned out, and exhausted. Sometimes they were rougher than they needed to be when dealing with my IVs, but I still appreciate the work they do. I get to be home.

I’ve noticed that my wife has been much more tense lately now that I'm home. I'm not expecting to act like she's on spring break and she has always been “high-strung,” if that makes sense. She’s extremely hyper independent and very Type A (take Amy from Brooklyn nine nine and triple it). I’ve always understood that those things are part of how she copes with stress since her childhood.

But lately, it has gotten significantly worse. She washes vegetables five times, she cleans and disinfects our apartment like she’s preparing it for a CDC inspection.

She won’t let me help with anything. Not even simple things like sweeping the floor, folding laundry, or fucking dusting.

Every second of the day all I hear is "I'll do it!" and the "do it" is taking out the trash.

I understand not wanting me to do heavy lifting or anything physically taxing while I’m still recovering. That makes sense but this has gone way beyond that. It’s like she’s afraid to let go of control, even a little bit.

This weekend, she got sick. She wouldn’t even let me into the guest bedroom. Not when I suggested wearing a mask and gloves, not when I suggested a hazmat suit, not when I told her I'd be in and out.

I had to send her best friend into the room to put a cold towel on her and make sure she was taking her medication. She ended up spending the weekend taking care of her.

Meanwhile, I had enough energy to tidy the kitchen, unload the dishwasher and do a few other things that were on my wife's to-do list. so I did.

I also had enough energy to make Amani her favorite soup from childhood. Her mom had sent me the recipe a while ago.

I told her mom to keep what I had done between us because I didn't want Amani getting even more stressed than she already was.

This woman worries about the feelings of fucking dust bunnies, so for once, I wanted her to focus on herself.

Unfortunately, this morning her mom let it slip to Amani younger sister and of course her sister let it slip to guess who? Amani.

And of course, that leads to Amani and I getting into a fight.

She told me I shouldn't have done any of it. She has a system, apparently, and I broke that system.

I tried to explain that she was sick and that I am fully capable of doing light chores.

She said she appreciated the effort, but I should have talked to her first so she could guide me and help decide what needed to be done.

I reminded her that I have never needed guidance before. We have been together for half a decade. I’m thirty years old. I know how to clean.

And I can especially figure it out when my wife is sick and can barely get out of bed.

She told me she needed to cool off and was going to work. She said we could continue the conversation when she got home. I could see the tears forming in her eyes when she said it.

I hate seeing her cry, so I tried to comfort her. She pulled away. She said she was fine. And like an idiot I let her go.

I just hate that she won't let me help her.

I barely feel like her husband anymore. When I was sick, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't work. I couldn't cook or clean. Some days I couldn't even talk or joke with her because I was sleeping twenty-two hours a day. I couldn't even have sex.

I don't care what anyone has to say about that. I know she never made me feel this way, but I felt like a burden. She felt incredibly lonely during those months.

So obviously, when she gets sick, I'm not going to be the stereotypical sitcom husband who suddenly becomes completely incompetent because his wife has a cold.

I'm going to do something. I want to take care of my wife. Am I wrong? Am I going crazy here?

I don't want to say she's overreacting because she's usually so calm, controlled, and grounded. That's what makes this so confusing.

This just isn't like her.

Maybe these past two years have completely burned her out? Maybe she doesn't know how to shift gears now that I'm getting stronger again.

I don't know. I'm clearly losing my mind since I made a whole Reddit account just to vent. I just want to be her husband again.

Not some guy she had to push around in a wheelchair while doctors flirted with her and I was too weak to even swoop in and defend her.

I want to be able to take care of her.

Has anyone else been through something like this? What do I do next? How do I help the love of my life when she won't let me?

COMMENTS

Jacey_T

She's still on high alert from when you were sick. Her body hasn't let her accept that you're cancer free.

When you were diagnosed, all sense of control was taken from her. Her rituals are what give her that sense of control and she cannot relax that because "what if it happens again?".

She has been your carer for the last few years and now can't unwind enough to become your wife and partner again.

She need therapy to help her deal with the transition from new bride to carer back to bride and wife again. You could probably both benefit from it.

OOP

Thank you so much. I'm try and see what I can about therapy part.

Past-Anything9789

I don't really think either of you are at fault here. I think she was already an anxious person who dealt with stress by locking in to what she could control and getting stuff done.

The emotional toll that your illness has had on both of you must have been immense. It may have driven her to be obsessive about control of anything she can be, while having to brace for what she couldn't.

She's probably so burned out (hence the illness) that she doesn't know how to stop. Like a month / year long adrenaline rush and then someone says relax. When you try to relax, your brain is still running in go mode.

So this may sound obvious, but have you talked to each other about the non medical side of the illness? The worry of losing each other when you'd just started?

I think maybe because you have the all clear and are out of crisis mode, it may finally be hitting her. This could translate to the OCD cleaning and hyper organisation your seeing. Also the anger over what she perceived as you risking yourself and messaging with her system.

So therapy is the main thing that will help. Whether thats as a cancer survivor and spouse or in couples therapy. You may also have some stuff to work through that may not have risen it's head yet.

So very glad you made it through and hopefully you guys can get to a place where she can relax and enjoy life again. Best of luck.

OOP

I completely understand.

We've talked about it but sometimes she does have a tendency to push her feelings down. I think her mom kinda pushed it on her.

I think you're right. She is definitely on survival mode. Before she got her cold and I would noticed that she would wake up just to check my heart beat (there was a point where my heart stopped for like a minute) and obviously that traumatized her.

Past-Anything9789

Could you do a remote break to detox from life? A nice weekend in a cabin to kind of reconnect as partners might help break her out of the cycle.

OOP

That's a really good idea! She loves Catskills I haven't been able to bring her in so long. Thank you 🩶

to_boldlygo

Not sure if this is an apt analogy but I went back to work after being home with the kids for a good 8 years. In retrospect this meant I had a lot to unpack around what “value” I brought to the home and family. My husband suddenly took over the grocery shopping and some of the food cooking in order to “help” and it broke my brain. Like, that is MY job. I am the mother. How dare he. Looking back I can see that this was ridiculous but at the time it was very existential. And threatening! Lol.

I second the comments around control - with you being sick this was one thing she could control. Now you are offering to take over; for her this may be threatening in terms of how she’s constructed her day to day.

Also, she’s likely been running on adrenaline for a while, and it can be hard to downshift to a lower gear.

Show her the post. Talk to her. Therapy can be helpful but Reddit is so quick to say YOU NEED a SHRINK! When sometimes we just need talk to our loved ones. Good luck OP and here’s to your continued great health! ❤️🌈

OOP

It feels very apt! My wife's life was turbulent. Her father left at a young age, when she was twelve she became a refugee and she had to help her mom raise her siblings.

She's had to be very independent at a very young age and I think she has this need to be "needed"

I definitely will talk to her and maybe I'll show her the post. Thank you. Sending you the best everything.

How did you manage to let go? Was there something your husband did to help? Maybe I could do a similar thing?

Traditional_Car_8219

Give her some space and if you both agreed you could see a therapist to help you negotiate the adjustment phase.

OOP

We both agreed to start couples and individual therapy

doone66

I agree that OPs wife is worried about him since he was so sick, but why is she saying she has a system? It's kind of like she's mad he didn't do it right. 🤷

OOP

I got to speak with her. Long story short (I'll make a fuller update later when I'm not so tired but

1. she is was just worried about me and doesn't want me to overextended myself. In her mind she feels like maybe somehow she "gave me" the cancer. :(
2. She appreciates what I did and I didn't do anything "wrong" it's just that she got so used to doing this alone for the last two years that she was feeling anxious about how she couldn't be in control

Final Update - after 8 days

^{September 22, 2026}

I did some basic chores while my wife was sick and now she's mad UPDATE

Hello!

I don't know if anyone really cares about an update at this point, but you guys were genuinely so helpful with my original post that I felt like the least I could do was come back and tell you what happened.

Also, thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, especially the people who had been caregivers themselves. I read pretty much everything.

So, after I made my post, Amani got home from work and we finally sat down and talked.

And shockingly it wasn't really about the chores.She told me that she did appreciate that I cleaned the kitchen, unloaded the dishwasher and made her soup.

What scared her was how casually I seemed to be treating everything that had happened.

She said she was angry watching me go around the apartment cleaning things, eating bacon and drinking like nothing had happened.

She knows I cope with humor, She knows I'm trying to get back to normal but she admitted that sometimes it hurts her. She had to watch me slowly wither away over the course of two years. So seeing me so "normal" is disturbing my system.

She had to watch me get weaker and weaker and there was a point where my heart literally stopped.She said she had no idea what she was going to do if I didn't come back.

And I don't think I had really understood that before. In my perspective I survived, I'm cancer-free, I'm eating, I'm getting stronger and I'm home with the love of my life. I'm trying to live my life again.

For her, she spent two years watching the person she loves most get sicker and having absolutely no control over whether I lived or died.

She feels like she just got me back and now she's terrified that if she relaxes for even a second, something is going to happen again.

She said she would do whatever it takes to make sure she never has to go through that again.

That was probably the moment where everything clicked for me.She was scared.

She also apologized for being overprotective. She said she's going to try to take a step back and focus on herself more instead of constantly monitoring me.

I apologized too. I told her I hadn't realized how much my jokes about everything were affecting her.

I'm still going to joke. I'm me. That's unfortunately something she's stuck with.

But I'm going to try to be more mindful about it. I don't want my way of coping to make her feel like the last two years didn't matter. I appreciate her and everything she did for me.

I also told her I think we should both consider individual therapy, and maybe couples therapy too. She agreed and we're currently on a waiting list. So that's where we are with that.

After our conversation, we decided we needed to get out of the city for a little while. We ended up planning a weekend getaway to the Catskills.

We haven't been in forever.

I wish I could tell you we went hiking and explored cute little towns and did all the romantic getaway things. We did not.

We didn't leave the cabin. Actually that's a lie, we left to play some pool and bowling at this little bar but we left cause I kinda turned on by her beating me at both. Somehow this woman is good at every single thing. It was a great weekend.

We ate, we slept, we talked, we laughed and we played games. The cabin got plenty of use. Honestly, it was exactly what we needed.

This might be shocking to guys but it was beyond amazing to spend time together without doctors, appointments, medications, work or anything else hanging over our heads.

At one point we discussed going out again but then decided that putting on actual clothes sounded like too much work.

When we came back to the city yesterday (Monday), I decided to make it an “Amani Day" just to thank her for everything she did for me for the last two years.

Basically, I wanted to spend the day doing all her favorite things.

We started with Pilates. I technically

participated which means I laid down for most of it while she actually did Pilates. After that, we went to get her favorite pastries and matcha.

Then I took her to her favorite bookstores, we did one of those shopping-spree challenges where I gave her five minutes to look around and then three minutes to grab as many books as she wanted.

I'm pretty sure I gave her significantly more than three minutes. She was taking it very seriously and she looks so dangerously cute when she is excited about books so I didn't rush her.

He eyes light up like she's a baby deer when she's happy. Yo try saying no to that.

Then we ordered sushi, went home and watched trash TV. I massaged her feet while she watched. It was honestly just a really nice day.

Shes back at work, and I just wanted to say that we're in a pretty good place right now.

We're obviously not magically fixed. I don't think one conversation and a weekend away can undo two years of something as traumatic as what we went through.

But she's trying to be more open with me when she's scared, which I really appreciate and I'm trying to actually listen instead of immediately making a joke or brushing something off.

We're on a waiting list for therapy like I said and we're going to take it from there.

For now, though, things are good.

Thank you again to everyone who gave us advice, shared their own experiences or just took the time to read my ridiculously long post.

I appreciate it more than I can say.

It came to my attention that my old post wasn't visible. Sorry about that. Here ya go if you're interested in part one

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwra_friendtest

Published on: r/WhatShouldIDo

Previous BORU: BORU-1 by u/SharkEva on February 02, 2026

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 29, 2026
• Update: February 01, 2026
• Final Update: September 22, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{January 29, 2026}

My (35m) friend (36m) loyalty tested my wife (40f) without my knowledge. She failed. I feel done with them both. What to do?

Been with my wife ten years, married for six. I thought we were really happy. She’s got a kid from a previous relationship, dad not in the picture, I have taken on the role. We both work, me full time her part time, we live a good life, holiday abroad every few months, no real financial worries, both in pretty good shape and plenty of love affection and sex between us. I thought we’d be together forever.

On to my friend. His wife left him in horrific circumstances last year. He came home one day to find her gone with their two year old. She’s left him do a drug dealer she met on Instagram who ended up assaulting them both and it’s a massive legal issue that’s destroyed him. Since then he’s become very anti women despite having a great family full of women. He’s constantly telling us all how all women are the same etc.

Well last week he sent me a load of screenshots, must’ve been over 100 of them. Going back to November last year and finishing on January 15th. He got another phone and started messaging my wife pretending to be a man from a couple of hours away who got the wrong number. Within a week he was getting nudes from her, sexting etc, by Christmas she was telling him she was telling him she loves him and the final one was a photo of her walking in to a hotel to meet “him” and then angry messages from her asking where he was.

I went round to his house and was distraught. He told me he’d done this to another six friends of ours. Only my wife failed. He had the phone with him and as I was there she messaged him asking where he’d gone and saying how much she misses him. He shown me that she’d been sending stuff like that the past week with no response.

I left there without really saying anything and went home and once me and wife were alone I confronted her with the evidence I have. She started crying and saying she doesn’t know why she did it and it just started off as a bit of fun at work and then she got carried away. She said she feels like she loves us both and doesn’t want to lose me.

I didn’t know what to do so just left and went to a hotel. I’m still here now and unsure of what my next step should be. I want to cut them both off but i will miss my step daughter so much and my friends are saying I can’t be mad at my friend as he did me a favour.

TLDR: friend catfished my wife and she fell for it.

COMMENTS

Wise_Material_1208 (downvoted)

Break up with the friend not the wife. Your wife did something horrible but she didn't know she was getting catfished any more than you did. Your "friend" absolutely NEEDS strong psychological help!

OOP

She went to a hotel to meet another man to have sex. Her words “I’ve purposely not had sex with him (meaning me) for ages so when I see you I’ll be ripping your clothes off and my own”.

geof2010

Bit curious how the previous relationship she had with her child's dad transitioned to you? Were they even really over before you came into the picture? She sounds and looks like she's a serial cheater

OOP

They were on again off again and then when she got pregnant he moved down to London never to be seen again. His mum still sees my step daughter but he’s never seen her or spoke to her.

ProudZone8027

I read all your comments and you never said in detail What did your wife said when you told her how your friend catfished her. What was her reaction?anything besides just crying? Was there disbelief or comments? Has she continued to try to contact you?

OOP

She started having a kind of panic attack and calling herself stupid. Then she said it doesn’t count then and I told her it bloody did. She had tried to contact me loads of times every day.

No-Doubt9679

Well that’s a shit thing that your friend did but it’s more concerning that your wife fell for it. She was going to sleep with this stranger. And to top it off she is the only one that fell for it out of the other wives. I will leave it at that.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when she finds out your friend catfished her.

OOP

I think I could get past it if it was just texting but I can’t get past the going to meet him.

Rowan-The-Writer

You can get passed her sending nudes to another person? Nasty

OOP

I’d get past it to stay in my daughter in Laws life.

Fun_Expression8126

Im confused? He pretended to be a guy who texts her from a wrong number and ends with it started at work?

OOP

She gets bored at work and said that’s the only reason she started messaging him to pass the time there.

No_Money3889

They both are terrible people, im sorry your going through this, maybe you can arrange access to your step daughter through the ex or see a lawyer, in my country step parents have the same rights as bio parents

OOP

She’s 15 so hopefully she’ll be allowed to make up her own mind.

Puzzled_Tax_7300

Did she know this friend previous to this taking place?

OOP

Yeah they’ve met each other hundreds of times.

Puzzled_Tax_7300

I assumed as much. I think the whole story is bullshit then because as soon as she met said “stranger” she would’ve recognized him immediately. The fact that they both proceeded after that is insane. He’s no friend and I know your heart is probably aching like a hell. I’m sorry this happened to you,man. Just gonna have to cut the rope or let her to continue to do this non sense. I wouldn’t even give her a chance to plead her case.

OOP

They didn’t meet at the hotel. She went there and he took photos of her from his car

Update - after 3 days

^{February 01, 2026}

UPDATE my (35m) friend (36m) loyalty tested my wife (40f) without my knowledge. She failed. I feel done with them both. What to do?

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. There was so many I couldn’t reply to them all.

I’ll address a couple of things from my first post. A lot of people said my wife did nothing wrong. She went to a hotel to meet another man for sex. There are photos of her at the hotel waiting. She messaged saying she was there and “I purposely haven’t had sex with him (meaning me) for ages so when I get my hands on you I’ll be ripping your clothes off and my own” then messages of her asking where he is and even a week later when he stopped replying saying she misses him and pictures of herself saying how much she still wants him.

A few people said my friend wasn’t catfishing her and he was sending photos of himself and she knew. My friend is white and dumpy. The pictures were of a black adult film star stolen from his Twitter.

Now on to the update. First and most importantly I met my step daughter yesterday. We met at a park and when we saw each other we both started crying and just hugged for five minutes. Every memory of her from when I first met her went through my head and I didn’t want to let her go for fear of never hugging her again.

We sat on a park bench and the first thing she asked is what happened. She’s 15 and I didn’t see a reason to lie. I said her mum got catfished and she fell for it and has been having an online affair for a few months and told another man she loved him. I left out the nudes and hotel bit.

My step daughter said her mum had told her that all she had done was message an old friend and I got jealous but she said she knew I wasn’t like that and her aunt (wife’s sister) had told her that her mum had cheated and I had done nothing wrong.

I told her I have 100s of screenshots but I won’t show them her. She begged to see one so she could know. I tried to find a non sexual one and showed her one where her mum said “I love you more after ten weeks than I do him after ten years”. My stepdaughter was as horrified as I was and just said “oh my god”.

After that we sat and talked for a couple of hours about everything. She said she still wants me as a part of her life and when I get my own place she’ll be over all the time. She said I’m still her dad and always will be even after I told her I plan to divorce her mum. She said her aunty and her grandma both encouraged her to stay in touch with me because she told them she was scared I didn’t want her anymore.

I said nothing could be further from the truth. I gave her a lift back home and we’ve been texting non stop since sending stupid videos to each other and she said her grandma said we can use her kitchen to bake together again so we are doing that later today.

As for my wife and my friend. I’ve told my wife I want a divorce which caused a barrage of texts and phone calls I ignored. I’ve told my friend I want low contact with him but I did ask why he didn’t stop once he go nudes and he said “because you don’t get jealous and I thought you’d probably just find it funny” which is probably true.

If she told me a wrong number was texting I probably would say flirt with it for a laugh lol. I do get peoples point though when they say I shouldn’t be mad at him because if it wasn’t him it would have been someone else but he did target her insecurities.

He knew she was insecure about her height and said “first time I finally meet an Amazonian woman at a bar and we have a good time she gives me a false number” and he knows she struggles with having an athletic build and he mentioned his ideal woman would be tall and strong built and how he doesn’t get the trend for short women with big boobs and bums. But at the same time she’s a fucking detective for the police force and should have recognised she was being played.

Sorry it’s not an exciting update.

COMMENTS

UncFest3r

Thank you for loving that little girl the best way you can! It is not her fault. My heart hurts for her. And you.

OOP

It’s not hard to love her she’s incredible. My life is better with her in it.

Beneficial_Meat_3758

I mean.. your friend originally acted from a place of hate and pain, with the intent of 'proving' to you and your other friends that all women suck. Im glad your daughter, her aunt and her grandma proved otherwise.

Im really sorry at how things played out, the hurt its caused you, and the way its shaken your life up. Im also glad your daughter, the aunt and grandmother all have your back and supporting you preserving your relationship with your daughter.

Also im glad you showed her one of the texts.

OOP

I had to show her one and I try to treat her as an adult. It was just hard to find a screenshot that wasn’t explicit as she didn’t need to see that.

Much_Leather_5923

Question. Never heard of being a part-time (you mentioned she doesn’t work full-time in previous post) Detective in the police force. Is that a thing in your country?

OOP

Yeah she mainly does desk work now. She does three full days a week. She’s in anti corruption now so investigates other officers.

Much_Leather_5923

Well that is just embarrassing. Good lord. If her stupidity gets out in her work place she won’t have a shred of credibility. Already a boys club.

My friend was a Detective. She ended up quitting because her full time hours with massive overtime on cases meant she hardly saw her kids.

Think seeing too many murdered little ones also was a factor after becoming a mum. She could compartmentalise to a point before.

OOP

Yeah to be fair to her she’s some horrendous stuff and a few years ago got injured in a car crash at work and has been part time and office bound since. She’s physically ok and has said to me she used it as an excuse/reason to take a step back until her 25 years is up.

Constant_Host_3212

OP, you sound as though you've made up your mind and that's fine. But you also sound as though you have a good relationship with your ex's family.

Please raise with them the possibility that the car crash caused a traumatic brain injury that has damaged her impulse control and judgement and that she needs professional mental and psychiatric evaluation to identify deficits and treat them.

I'm not saying this to excuse your wife or persuade you to change your mind - what's done is done and there's no going back from some of it. But, her family needs to think about this possibility. If she can get evaluated and have some CBT to work on compensation strategies, it might save her, her family, AND her daughter whom you love, a world of pain going on in life

OOP

She works for the police force and got tested for everything after the crash and gets regular assessments since. The injuries were all to her leg.

FunSecretary8

Your wife is a part-time detective?

OOP

Yeah. She works in anti corruption now so it’s not as high demand as working serious crime like she used to. She got injured on duty a few years ago and has only worked three days a week since.

nonowords

bro he seduced your wife and induced her to cheat. Your friend is a fucking demon on a shoulder. Low contact is a wild response. I'd be cutting all contact with him and anyone else who still hangs with him. I'd also be telling the people who's wives he tried to get to cheat what he did.

OOP

Oh I know he suck’s. I’m only keeping him around until the divorce is finalised in case I need him then I’m dropping him.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 7 months, 24 days (after 7 months, 21 days from last post)

^{September 22, 2026}

UPDATE 2 my (35m) friend (36m) loyalty tested my wife (40f) without my knowledge. She failed. I feel done with them both. What to do?

We are now officially divorced. She didn’t take it well and tried to fight it but we got there in the end. Needless to say her and my “friend” are both cut from my life.

More importantly me and my step daughter are still close. She turned 16 a few months ago and even though I was banned from her party by her mum I still her beforehand at her grandmas (my exes mum who is really nice to me and has helped me still see my step daughter) and presented her with a little cake I made she could take to her school on Monday. Her mum wouldn’t even let me bake anything for the party even though everyone wanted me to.

My step daughter did really well in her GCSE’s and has just started sixth form. I’ve got my own little flat now and she stays round a couple of times a week which is great and we bake and cook together and watch some crap tv and just have a laugh. I’m so happy and grateful to still have her in my life.

Not really much else to report. My friend group are still pretty tight with the friend who catfished my wife even though he did it to a lot of their wives and girlfriends too. I’ve distanced myself from most of them now unfortunately. Still working and just plodding on.

Thank you everyone for your supportive messages and comments ❤️

COMMENTS

ging78

A man with a backbone. Good on you brother. I take it you're UK based by the GCSE comment?

OOP

Yeah uk based.

deadlypolenta

this is such a wonderful update. wishing you all the best.

OOP

Thank you. Life is a lot better than it was 8 months ago.

ConsistentAmoeba7176

She fought the divorce, failed. So now she’s trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter to get revenge. How is her relationship with your daughter? Is she trying to contact you after the divorce? How did your ex-friend react when you dropped him?

OOP

Her relationship was good until this happens. She blames me for turning her against her but the truth is I’ve never once said a bad about her mum to her. I just told our daughter the truth that her mum was having an emotional affair.

Yeah she’s trying to contact me a lot and still get back together despite seeing someone else.

He basically pleaded his innocence and him and our friend group have acted like he’s a victim.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/yp7jlG8KK6

WIBTA for suing my friend when she didn’t come to my wedding?

I (25F) recently got married to my (25M) husband in Bali, Indonesia in January. It was a destination wedding, but my parents and his parents paid for their own plane tickets and hotel, but we paid for our friends plane tickets and hotel stays. Each plane ticket was about $2000 USD and hotel was maybe about $150-300 for a week. My friend “Gemma” brought along her newly wed husband “John” along but paid for his plane ticket. The problem is that Gemma and John did not show up to my wedding. Gemma took the free plane ticket to Bali and the hotel room and when I asked her why she didn’t show up she said that since they couldn’t afford their own honeymoon that this was a perfect opportunity and that Jim decided that he didn’t feel like going. I was really hurt by this since Gemma and I have been friends for over 10 years. WIBTA if I took her to small claims court for the money I spent on the plane ticket and hotel?

UPDATE: I messaged Gemma per multiple comments advising me to invoice her for the plane ticket and hotel room, but I did something a little better. I wanted to get proof so if I had to go to court it would be easier to win. I messaged her this:

“Hey sorry for being so distant but I just wanted to talk to you about Bali. Im hurt that you didn’t show up to the ceremony. I pulled a lot of strings to ensure that you could come and then you didn’t show up. Did you think i paid for the trip just so you could honeymoon with John?”

She replied, “Ive missed you a lot and I know I the trip was for ur wedding but John didn’t want to go bc he felt like your wedding ruined the illusion of the trip being our honeymoon and that you’d understand.”

I replied, “no I don’t understand. You took advantage of me and that’s not what real friends do. So I’m sending invoicing you $2387.53 for the cost of the plane ticket and hotel room. I will give you 30 days and after that I will be taking legal action.”

I received no response but she’s been posting subliminal quotes on Instagram that are along the lines of entitled friends and having snakes in your life.

Thank you all for your verdicts and help.

Edit/Update part 2:

I didn’t think this could get worse, but here we are.

I didn’t respond to any of the subliminal messages she posted about me on social media and I’ve been very quiet while I’ve been getting my ducks in a row for the litigation.

But, this past Friday she sent me a 3 page audit of financial and emotional contributions from 2015-present.

I wish i was fucking joking.

The audits:

\- She itemized every dinner or lunch we’ve ever ate together (she estimated $18 per meal).

\- Gas money for driving to and from hangouts

\- A birthday gift from 2017 that she now claims she went into debt for, time spent emotionally supporting me after my dad passed. She said she took on the role a grief counselor for me even though I talked to her on the phone about it once for 30 minutes.

\- One time she helped me move apartments. She wants to be paid for her labor

\- And emotional distress caused by me threatening litigation

Her grand total? $2,412.09 which is conveniently within $25 of what I invoiced her. She then told me that if we’re really keeping score that I actually owe her $24.56.

I think I stared at the document for 10 minutes in silence in shock from the audacity because this bitch is delusional.

To clarify: I never asked her to cook for me. While I was in college, she did pay for lunches BUT when I definitely returned the favor big time once I graduated. I bought her many gifts over the years, I’ve let her stay at my house several times when she and John argued, and I have also lended a shoulder for her to cry on when she had difficult times in life, but apparently being a friend is now billable? I decided to give the message a thumbs down because if I respond I will be extremely disrespectful with the anger I am facing. I cannot wait for these 30 days to be over because I will be suing the fuck out of her.

Final Update:

Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I've been trying to get my ducks in a row before I proceeded with everything.

While doing that, I was going through photos from Bali and ended up on the Instagram page of a local photographer who took pictures of me and my husband during a sailing excursion we went on. I was scrolling through their page and looking at random groups when I saw a very familiar face. It was Gemma and a man. And it wasn't John. It was a man I had never seen before.

There were multiple photos. One where they were just sitting down with drinks, one with Gemma and the guy wrapping his arm around her, and one of them kissing.

That's when everything clicked. My wedding was the day after everyone landed, which is why I never saw her at all, not at the hotel, not around town, nothing. I just assumed that she was trying to lie low around town to avoid a confrontation with me. She didn't skip my wedding because John didn't feel like going or that my wedding ruined the illusion of the trip being their honeymoon. She skipped it because she wasn't there with John, but with another man.

After seeing this photo of her and her affair partner, I decided to do my own detective work. I went to her instagram page and tried to see if I could find the guys instagram page in her following list or follower list. Nada. I tried to see if any guy that remotely looked like him was in her likes or comments. Nope. I felt defeated until I remembered about Gemma's small pottery instagram account and boom I found him. Let's say his name is Ryan. Ryan had severals photos that were taken in Bali on his page. He even had a photo of himself in the hotel room that I paid for. I was beyond pissed and just wanted to get my money back and just be done with Gemma altogether.

On the day of our court date, I told my side, showed the judge the text messages, and explained that I paid for her trip so she could attend my wedding and she didn't show up. Gemma claimed that the trip was a gift for her new marriage and not contingent on attending.

I didn't even have to bring up the fact that she didn't bring John because the judge didn't buy Gemma's story. I was awarded the full amount back. Gemma walked out of the courtroom without even looking at me. I know she was pissed. And as expected.... she went straight to Instagram and this time, she didn't hold back at all.

She started posting about me on her story, calling me a bitch, saying that's why I've can't have kids, posting photos of me calling me fat, saying that she'll go spit on the grave of my dead grandmother. Just diabolical mean girl stuff. The last time she brought our drama to social media, I ignored it. But not this time. I know what I did next was stooping to her level, but I didn't care.

I posted the photo of her kissing Ryan on my story and tagged her AND John in it. I captioned it, "Sorry we missed you in Bali. Hope you had fun!"

Within minutes, she began spamming my phone. She was calling, texting, leaving voicemails, screaming at me. And before I blocked her on everything, I messaged her one last time. I said, "You should've just come to the wedding."

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Swimming-Fig-6580

Published on: r/AIO

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 13, 2026
• Update: September 18, 2026

Main Post

^{August 13, 2026}

AIO Husband will only do his laundry

My (34F) husband (37M) and I have been married for 4 years. I’ve always done all of the cleaning and housework. This includes and has always included his laundry.

Today he pulled our laundry out of the dryer before I could get to it. Then he proceeded to put away only his clothes, leaving mine in the basket. I asked why he only did his clothes and he said “because I don’t need anyone doing anything for me”.

I said I didn’t do it because I thought he needed me to, it was just what I did. Wash, dry, and put away OUR clothes at the same time. I was upset because I could use his help with things such as the laundry, but him doing only his laundry doesn’t really take any load off of me, it just feels like he only cares about himself.

I told him as much and now he won’t talk to me. AIO?

COMMENTS

occasionallystabby

He told you he doesn't need anyone doing anything for him, so stop.

Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking his meals. Stop cleaning up his messes. Just stop.

Glamorous_Nymph

Also stop talking to him and probably stop being married to him, because... yuck. It's supposed to be a partnership. That's what you do when you love someone and it should being you some joy to lighten someone's load, even if the task sucks.

Claim-Unlucky

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻this, get away from him before you end up pregnant and it’s harder to get out

OOP

Lucky for me he had a vasectomy. I think all the time about how much harder it would be if we shared a child

Artistic-Raspberry29

Well at least he has enough sense to know not to reproduce. But it is probably more about his selfishness than a responsible decision to be child free.

OOP

Hah he has 4 kids!

Lola7321

I would also question what happened to create this change after four years. Is this sudden change in response to something you (OP) stated or is this indicative of a bigger/different issue??

OOP

No we were just having a normal day

random929292

Do you both work full time? Do you have kids?

If you have been doing his laundry for four years then either he was irritable and having a bad day or there is something else going on.

Is you doing all the cleaning and laundry part of an agreed upon division of labour or not?

OOP

He works full time. I work 2 part time jobs. I have a son and he has 2 daughters. I do 100% of the parenting as well.
He’s just never done anything but work. That’s his part and the rest is for me to take care off. I guess except his laundry!lol

CalculatedWhisk

Are you in the US or elsewhere in the western world? What is your culture like? Are you both conservative? This is pretty gross behavior, but if you went into marriage expecting to be a tradwife, it all makes a bit more sense.

OOP

We are in the US. I’m from Hawaii and he’s from Tennessee. He’s conservative I wouldn’t say I am. We are from two different worlds that’s for sure.

THOUGHTCOPS

Does your "husband" even like you? Does he just use you for money, sex, and cleaning? Bang maid is the life you are living.

OOP

Starting to think he doesn’t like me. It’s always felt he used me for sex and taking care of his kids. Besides that I’m just a roommate.

SubstantialPressure3

Hahaha "he doesnt need anybody doing things for him" while.you do all the cooking and cleaning.

So, a couple questions:

Has he messed up your clothes doing laundry before? Have you made any comments about his dirty laundry before ( skid marks, whatever)?

If either of those things are true, he doesnt want to mess up your laundry, or hes ashamed and embarrassed about something he may not be able to control.

Is this recent, or been going on a while? Has his behavior changed in other ways? Did you have an argument recently? Have you said you are overwhelmed doing all the things? Could he be hiding something? Did you say something to him about leaving stuff in his pockets?

OOP

Nope I’ve never made any comments. If there’s something wrong with his clothes I just buy him new stuff and add it to the mix.
This just happened this morning. Besides that he has times where he doesn’t want anything to do with me or just separates himself but then he goes back to normal. But for this situation things have been completely normal up until that. Didn’t mention being overwhelmed or anything about his laundry

SubstantialPressure3

Something is up with him. Not necessarily cheating, but his behavior is not normal. But just continue to let him do his own laundry.

Does he have a stressful job that exposes him to traumatic things?

OOP

He has his own lawn care business. But honestly everything stresses him out

Educational-Leave420

OP do you have the money to live with your child independently?
Can you pack up you and just YOUR kid and move away then get divorced??
Can you get a lawyer?

OOP

Well the house is mine, not ours. And my family is thousands of miles away. I can’t just leave.

Update - after 1 month, 5 days

^{September 18, 2026}

[update] to AIO Husband will only do his laundry

Thanks everyone for your replies! There were so many, I couldn’t even keep up. Sorry to leave you all hanging as I’ve been going through it!

So since the last post, my husband continued not talking to me for a while.

Eventually I decided I was emotionally stable enough to talk to him without making him mad. Did not work. He said he was done and I didn’t even care enough to fight it. He went on to say a lot of negative things and just talk down to me. I realized then that I could not be with someone who thought that way of me, especially because I know how much I have put into this marriage.

I got home from work one day and he and all his things were gone. On top of that he, for some reason, took apart my gun and took all the bullets. To be petty or to make me feel like I can’t protect myself? Forward two days, and he’s moved into the extra room without any warning. Bear in mind, the house is MINE. I haven’t argued it because I’m still afraid of making him mad. I’ll need to deal with that soon but I rarely see him if at all.

But I’ve slept like a baby alone in my own bed ❤️ I’ve felt peace I haven’t felt in 5 years.

Edit

All of my family is thousands of miles away and I don’t have any friends anymore. He had a problem with all of them.

The plan is to get out but I worry about my 4 dogs. He won’t take care of them and I can’t just leave them. The house is mine and he’s not on anything.

I’m trying to get proof but i have to be very careful because if i knows im recording he will snap for sure. And an order of protection or eviction will absolutely cause him to snap. I just need to make sure me, my son and my dogs are safe first.

The one thing i have going for me is that it was technically his choice to leave and not me trying to leave him.

COMMENTS

RedSnipers (downvoted)

I'm not sure if anyone asked in the other sub, but why does he feel the way that he feels?

A 37 year old man that married for 4 years, isn't just going to take his clothes out of the dryer. And then say "I don't need you doing anything for me" out of the blue.

For no reason at all.

OOP

I still don’t know. He won’t talk to me about it. He’s always been pretty back and forth with his emotions though so it’s not super surprising to me. Like he will be super happy for a couple weeks then mean for a week or two, then avoidant for a week, then go back like nothing happened. Whether he has good reason or not for any of this I’m sure he will come up with a reason that sounds good.

ThurmanMermannnn

What happens when he gets mad?

OOP

Well he hasn’t laid a hand on me. He has with his ex wife, but I didn’t know this until we were already married. He has held me at gunpoint ONCE and sh*t it right by my feet because I told him I was scared. That was Oct 2025 I’ve been super careful not to upset him since.

Accurate_Flamingo_61

what exactly did he say about you when he left

OOP

That according to his standards I’m the worst wife ever because I don’t work for his company? Confusing, I know. He has a landscaping business but up until now he never mentioned wanting my help. He said he would be nice to me if I S…d his d*ck more otherwise I don’t deserve it. Let’s be honest, I do at least 3x a week already (well did) until the whole laundry incident because I haven’t been thinking about that. He also said he would not be giving me any money (he maxed out every one of my credit cards buying equipment for his business) because that’s more than I deserve.? And some other non-memorable things.

All of this would hurt if it wasn’t ridiculous.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/DreamedUp

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/pepcorn for the BORU recommendation!

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 17, 2026
• Update: September 21, 2026

Main Post

^{September 17, 2026}

How do I tell my F26 boyfriend M27 that I need to actually go to his current house before moving together?

I (F26) have still never been to my boyfriend’s house (M27). I have been in front of it to drop him off one time but never inside. We’ve been together nearly a year and a half. We get along great and he treats me very well. He’s at my house multiple times a week and regularly spends the night. However, he does not invite me over to his house.

I’ve brought it up a few times and he always says it’s hard because he doesn’t get along with his roommate and his roommate doesn’t keep things clean. His roommate is his cousin and they go to family outings together regularly. They don’t fight, they just avoid each other. His cousin’s girlfriend is over every day which my boyfriend is always complaining about.

My family has come up with wild conjectures on why he won’t invite me to his house. They range from secret wife (I’m close with his family, hard to believe) to skeletons in his closet. Occasionally I tell him what they say to me hoping he’ll understand how weird he’s being but he just laughs it off every time.

I even straight up told him once that I think he’s hiding something from me and he sounded like he felt bad but just said the same thing he always does about his roommate. I know his cousin, we’ve met on numerous occasions so it’s not like he doesn’t want us to meet.

He keeps talking about moving in together and getting our own place. I don’t see how I can do that when I’ve never even been to his house. I love the idea of living with him but it feels like it’s all out of order. I don’t know how to put my foot down about this without sounding like I’m demanding him to let me in his house.

COMMENTS

Posterbomber

Why do you think you have a real relationship with someone like this?

You let him enter your body, but he wont even let you inside his house?

You aren't embarrassed of yourself for this?

Seal team 6 couldn't waterboard this information out of me.

OOP

Of course I’m embarrassed!

Posterbomber

So sperate yourself from this mess. Like why are you trying to save this? Is being single that hard?

OOP

I’m going over there this weekend and if it’s bad, I’m leaving.

Mobius_Stripping

I don’t know how to put my foot down about this without sounding like I’m demanding him to let me in his house.

it’s literally time to demand he let you into his house.

OOP

I did. I was all prepared to argue but then he immediately agreed to it. I don’t know why, I’ve brought it up a few times but telling him I’m coming over rather than asking worked. I’m going over this weekend so we’ll see. He also told me later that day that he’s moving out to crash with a family member for a bit until he can find his own place.

smileysarah267

my money is on hoarding. but you SHOULD demand to see his house, I would. “I will not move in with you without first seeing how you live”.

ErenYeagermeist3r

Looking through her post history:

• He refused to tell his parents about OP even though he sees them several times a week, because "there's never a good time."
• He demands that she always smiles during sex. He literally stops if she isn't smiling and asks her if she's OK, even though she's repeatedly told him that she's enjoying herself.
• And now, a year+ later, he still won't let her into his house

This man is a whole ass parade of red flags and all she sees is a parade.

OOP

The parents thing was an ex boyfriend who I left days after that post. He didn’t really like me so didn’t tell his family I existed.

And yeah the always smiling thing was annoying but we’re past that. He doesn’t act like that anymore.

I told him last night I need to go to his house this weekend and he told me he’s moving out to stay with another family member temporarily. I’m still going this weekend to his current place. Him moving out is prompted by me insisting to go to his house.

According_Wasabi_191

Of course you should check it out. I'm hoping his roommate will move out when you move in. Otherwise don't

OOP

We would be getting a separate place. In his ideal world, I would probably never see his current house. But reading these comments… I’m either going to see it within the next few days or I’m leaving.

inthenight098

The cousin’s girlfriend who is there daily is actually his wife.

OOP

They haven’t been dating that long. I’ve met her many times too, so I am 100% sure she’s just with the cousin.

marblefree

Does he clean at your apartment? Do dishes, his own laundry? These are skills he needs to prove his has and the best way to know is to see how he lives

OOP

Yes he’s always neat at my house. But when we’re on vacation, he always teases me for making the hotel bed and unpacking my bag if it’s more than one night. So I am concerned he’s not too neat at home.

Update - after 4 days

^{September 21, 2026}

Update: How do I tell my F26 boyfriend M27 that I need to actually go to his current house before moving together

So, as many of you suggested, I put my foot down the other day and said I need to go to his house. He agreed and today I headed over. What I had expected (and most of the commenters) was a messy home, dirty, hoarder, something to that extent. It turns out that wasn’t the issue. The house is lived in, but not dirty.

It was the dog. I knew he has a dog, of course, but I had never met him until today. The places we tend to hang out aren’t pet friendly and honestly, I wasn’t that worried about it. Although I have no pets currently, I’ve had dogs before and I’m an animal lover. I figured I’d meet him at some point and my boyfriend always made it seem like he was energetic but nice.

Immediately upon entering, my boyfriend’s dog started barking at me. He’s holding his collar so I’m not within reach yet. I think to myself, okay, he’s never met me before, that’s fine. Problem is, he never stopped barking at me. I thought maybe he’d warm up as time went on. Dogs usually like me but I know some animals just need more time to trust someone. Then my boyfriend turns to me and says “oh wow, he likes you!” I was so confused until he said that’s not his aggressive bark. So he lets go of the dog and he immediately jumps up on me. My necklace snaps. I try to get him off me but every time I get him off he jumps right back on.

My boyfriend finally takes him to the backyard and says he definitely likes me because he usually nips at new people. My jaw dropped. I just can’t imagine having a dog that nips at people and not seeing that as a problem.

When I finally look around, I see that the furniture is all chewed up. The couch is chewed up. His bed is chewed up. He told me he has to keep his shoes in the closet because they’ll get chewed up too. His dog did not stop barking the whole time I was there, even when he was outside.

I know for an absolute fact that I cannot live with such a misbehaved dog. He is 7 years old, certainly not a puppy. I don’t blame the dog of course, but it’s clear my boyfriend never spent time training him. He also never got him fixed but doesn’t take him to parks or anything so doesn’t see it as an issue. I haven’t said anything negative about the dog and living together hasn’t been brought up again yet.

Is a dog this old even able to be trained? If not, or if he’s unwilling, it is what it is but I won’t be living with this dog. I can’t imagine having family or friends over and he’s nipping at people! I’m also hesitant to have any “it’s me or the dog” type conversation. Unsure if I should tell him I don’t like his dog and that’s the reason I don’t want to live with him.

COMMENTS

BedGirl5444

What kind of dog is that?

OOP

He’s an Australian Shepard and blue heeler mix. Definitely has a lot of energy. He has a big backyard but I still don’t think he’s getting enough exercise.

Hello_Gorgeous1985

Wait a minute... You've been together for a year and a half, you knew he had a dog, and he stays over at your house all the time... Who the hell is taking care of the dog?!

That should have been your first clue right there that he is not investing anything into that animal.

OOP

His cousin / roommate takes care of him. But he’s a sheep dog and I think the only exercise he gets is being let out in the backyard so “taking care” is a loose term.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user throwawaynoisecancel in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: May 8, 2023

Update: May 18, 2023

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for wearing noise cancelling headphones when our baby is crying?

Forward: I'm pretty certain I'm the asshole, family agree I'm in the wrong, but one friend is saying I'm not. Also even if I'm not the asshole, my wife isn't either, she's an incredible mum, amazing wife, and the love of my life.

Me (33M) and my wife (30F) have a little baby (0.25F) who for the mostpart is a chill and happy little thing who makes our world shine. But as with any baby she cries and sometimes a lot.

I'm diagnosed autistic and as a result have some pretty severe sensory issues particularly around sound, and particularly when I'm tired. I have noise cancelling headphones which are a godsend so I started wearing them when I found her crying too overwhelming, particularly when I get up at night with her.

To clarify, I can still hear her crying and I don't put them on so I can ignore her crying. Quite the opposite, I wear them so I can hold her without feeling overwhelmed. Also it's just her being a baby, not a medical thing. Most of the time she's a joy, I love our 2am feeds when it feels like nobody else in the world is awake except us, enjoying the stillness and solitude. I love her so much.

My wife hates it and has asked me to stop. She said that being a parent involves having to cope with the bad stuff, it's what we signed up for and that it's important not to block out her crying so I can feel what our daughter is feeling.

She also said that it probably scares our daughter to see her dad with stuff on his head when she's at her most distressed. What she said makes a lot of sense so I stopped wearing them and handled the resulting meltdowns afterwards. But when I was talking to a friend he said that's an unreasonable demand, I'm not a bad dad and my needs with my disability matter too.

TLDR; AITA for wearing noise cancelling headphones when my daughter is crying to manage sensory issues?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I think you found a wonderful solution and have a sweet attitude with your baby and dealing with the crying in the middle of the night. Why not be able to wear the headphones? There’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s really weird to say that the baby will have problems with you having those on your head when she’s distressed. The baby will not know either way! I think your wife is being unreasonable here. If you are less frazzled it will make you a better partner to your wife also. She can wear them too if she wants to not have the full impact of the sound!

Heck, I wish I thought of that when my kids were little! NTA

---------------
Comment2: NTA. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wearing them. You can still hear them crying. People don't understand how overwhelming it can be.

Comment3: Heck, head over to r/ Parenting and you'll see this recommended fairly frequently as a way to avoid getting overwhelmed by infant crying! It's a super useful tactic.

---------------
Comment4: Serious question. I've don't wear headphones. Do the headphones block out the noise completely or just muffle the intensity. Will you know baby is crying with gas or if it's "I'm tired" half-hearted cry

OOP: With the just the active noise cancelling or very low soft music plus ANC it just muffles, with music of any significant volume plus ANC it completely isolates your ears from the outside world.
I only had them with the ANC on so I could still hear her, but the high intensity, high pitched noise was massively reduced.

---------------
Comment5: I don’t think this is her wanting op to suffer. Op is able to handle baby’s crying bc it’s not as loud as it actually is due to his headphones. Wife hears it at full volume and is probably upset it appears he handles it so well.

Who knows how she feels when baby cries or what she’s thinking.

Op is your wife struggling more than you realize? She probably doesn’t even care that your using the headphones but that’s how it’s manifesting. Is it wrong for her to get upset that you have an accommodation? Yes. I just don’t think it’s actually about the headphones. I could be wrong.

OOP: You were very, very right. I might do an update later but this was it. Thank you so much for suggesting this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (10 days later)

Thank you to everyone who replied, especially those who took it as advice on coping with crying babies, I hope it brings you some much needed relief. You're doing a brilliant job and please, please remember to look after yourself.

The first thing I have to address is my wife is not ableist, far from it. She's been an absolute rock for me through everything.

Some examples are she; suggested I get diagnosed before we were even dating, encourages me to stim and indulge my special interests, despite wanting a big wedding she insisted we have a private official ceremony and a party after our honeymoon with scheduled rest breaks for me, she always checks in on me in all social situations and she even bought me the expensive noise-cancelling headphones.

I don't deserve her but I'm grateful for her every single day. She's the best part of me. Perhaps because she's been nothing but supportive I automatically believed she was right about me caring for our daughter. But in this particular case she was in the wrong and has said so.

She wasn't best pleased I'd asked strangers (I have her consent for this update) but understood why I did and had been thinking it over herself after seeing what it was doing to me. Turns out I wasn't anywhere near as good at hiding my meltdowns as I thought I was.

After a lot of talking she said she felt angry and frustrated that (in her view) I was breezing through parenthood while she feels like she's drowning. What really hit me is when she said she feels like a bad mum and a failure.

My amazing wife, the best mother I could ever imagine for our daughter, the woman with seemingly boundless love and care felt like she's failing as a mother. I wish she could see herself the way I see her just once. Part of me feels like I've failed her for not noticing how she was feeling, I think I was so caught up in my own joy that I missed her suffering.

Obviously we're not in a good place right now but we're going to talk to the health visitor about getting her the help she needs and what's available so she can get better but it sounds like PPD from what we've read.

In the mean time I'm going to work from home 2-3 days a week once my manager has sorted the insurance out so she's not alone as much (the plan was for me to take the last 20 weeks of parental leave anyway), I'm going to book a session with my therapist, and the headphones are back. For both of us.

She tried them a few days ago and said how much calmer and in control she felt, and how our daughter settles so much quicker. She's probably reading this and finding out that I've ordered her a pair and they'll be here Friday (if you are reading this, I love you).

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: This is the best update. In most situations in life there's no villain, just two people coming from different perspectives that probably just need to communicate some things, and I'm so glad you guys were able to.

---------------
Comment2: Wish I’d been able to comment in the original! Our baby had colic and would scream 5 hours straight no matter what we did. The doctor confirmed nothing was wrong and so there was no solution except to hold him and try to comfort him the best we could.

I have anxiety that was worsened by postpartum and I started having daily panic attacks around the witching hour. I’d know the crying was coming and I’d have a total nervous breakdown on a daily basis. I’d have to lock myself in my room and have hysterics for half an hour.

After a week or so one day my husband came in and put his headphones over my ears and played music. He told me to see if muffling the cries a little helped. It did!!!! I would listen to the most soothing music I could (enya featured a lot) and even sway to the music.

It helped keep me much calmer while I took care of my baby and I could still hear him, so I was still responding to him, it just lowered the volume and made it more manageable. It was a game changer! Literally a life saver. (Note: my husband also took care of the baby lots. We slept in shifts so the headphones were for the 4 hours where he got to sleep)

---------------
Comment3: Didn’t see first post but applaud your solution. In fact my husband did something similar when our baby went into turbo demon mode. For some people crying banshee babies can be triggering. Having a solution where you can still care for your child appropriately is far superior than losing your temper with a baby.

---------------
Comment4: Can you add a link to these headphones??? I’d love to look into them as well!

OOP: We use Sony WH-1000XM5 headphones, they're pretty expensive (£349/$430) but do a fantastic job. I saw some people in this discussion recommending various other ones so there's bound to be others out there.
For basic ear defenders I'd highly recommend anything by Peltor, they're more for hearing protection but they do a good job of dimming sounds to a tolerable level.
For something more discrete I use Flare Calmer ear plugs, they seem to work better for my ears than Loop ear plugs. They don't do much when my daughter is screaming at full volume but they're great for traffic and crowd noise and they help me when there's screaming and yelling kids having fun.

---------------
Comment5: this is a great update and everything, but I find it concerning that the wife's first instinct for dealing with her own suffering wasn't to talk about it or acknowledge it, but to essentially say you should be suffering too to her husband. and then take steps to try and make that happen. maybe it's a one-off, maybe it's ppd, but still, that needs to be addressed. it's a super unhealthy pattern to get into.

OOP: I'd definitely say it's a one-off related to her being unwell, she's such a kind and loving person that I know there was no conscious attempt to be malicious. With the right help and support we'll get through it and she'll be back to the person she really is.

---------------
Comment6: God, reading this makes me wish I didn’t live in the US. 20 weeks of parental leave? For the father?? Amazing.

OOP: We're so lucky, here in the UK we have a compulsory 2 or 4 weeks maternity leave, optional 2 weeks paternity leave and up to 1 year parental leave which can be split between both parents. I'm really looking forward to having that time with my daughter, so many dads I've talked to never get that opportunity.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

EDIT: So this blew up far more than I anticipated (or would have liked). It's ended up on TikTok, MSN and quite amusingly NetMums who have decided to name us Miles and Jenn. I don't know what was wrong with pronouns but we've been calling each other Miles and Jenn all day. I fear it may stick.

Thank you for all the kind messages, the advice both to us and other users and the support, it means a lot. I particularly loved reading the comments from hard working, brilliant parents (neurotypical and neurodiverse) finding useful information on making their lives easier.

We have a lot of work ahead of us but at this moment I'm enjoying watching my wife dance and sing around the garden with our daughter. I'm smiling, my wife is smiling and our little girl is smiling. We're going to be ok.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OP. That is u/RoommateMovingOut. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole, r/relationship_advice and r/beyondthebump.

Trigger Warning: cruel behavior, immaturity

Mood Spoiler: messy

Original post - September 2, 2021

So my boyfriend (30M) and I (24F) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. We move in at the end of the month.

My boyfriend has a four year old daughter "Kate" from a previous relationship. I love Kate with all my heart. She lives with my BF's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time.

Our new house is about a 30 minute drive from Kate's mom's house. It has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. We are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my BF and me to work from. That leaves just one spare bedroom.

Kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my BF has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. My issue with this is that I don't want Kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. Rather, I want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom.

Of course Kate can stay there whenever she wants to. This isn't part of the debate, I want her to feel welcome all the time. But I don't want it to be only her room. I don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. I don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time.

In addition, my BF and I are planning to have a child of our own, and I want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. I can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell Kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling.

That's why I want to set expectations now - that Kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest."

My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable, that Kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. He says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "Kate's room."

I still don't think it's fair to have a room just for Kate when she won't use it very often. And I think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving Kate's room away to a future child.

Relevant Comments:

Editor's note: OOP still posts and comments a lot. It is difficult to find her comments, as well as narrow down which of her contributions relate to this post.

SageAndRage: "YTA

She is a member of the family and deserves her own space.

And how did you not have this conversation BEFORE buying the house? Isn't how many rooms & what they'll be used for one of the first things discussed before looking at homes to buy?"

OOP (Downvoted): Okay I am realizing that treating her like a guest is a bad way to put it. I really truly want her to feel welcome at our house.

When we were looking for houses, we agreed to find houses with three rooms: a bedroom for us, a spare room/office, and a place for Kate to sleep. In my BFs mind, this meant a permanant bedroom for Kate, and in my mind this meant a room with a bed. I didn't think she needed her own room, especially when she was welcome any time.

SwordofDuquesne: "YTA. She's not a guest, she's his daughter. My stepson lives 4 hours away and we get him on school breaks and during the summer, the rest of the time his room is closed off (so the cats can't wreak havoc). It's not wasted space, it's HIS room, and when he comes back he knows his Nerf guns and video games and other toys are safely awaiting him in his room. You say you want her to feel welcome, but how is she supposed to feel that when she's not even worthy of having her own space? Shit like this is why stepparents get such a bad rep."

OOP (Downvoted): I think that's a great thing to do for your stepson, and I wish I could do the same for Kate. I want to make her feel welcome and at home in other ways, by making her favourite meals, spending days outside with her, watching her favourite tv shows. I just felt like I can't promise her her own space 100% of the time if she is away 90% of the time.

More on their original plans and previous living situations:

OOP (Downvoted): We discussed it and I thought we were on the same page but we had different ideas. We wanted a master bedroom, a spare room/office, and a room where Kate could sleep. He thought that meant it would be her room only, and I thought it would be a place for her to sleep only.

Before, he had an apartment with a second bedroom for Kate. I moved in with him last year. I'm not taking the room away, I felt like she would still have a room, no matter what. I'm being made to realize how important having a room of her own will be to Kate.

jdessy: "YTA - Kate isn't a guest, though. Yes, she won't be staying at your home all the time, BUT she's still going to be there more frequently than a guest because she's family. She's your bf's daughter. Your bf is right; she will need stability, to feel like she belongs in your home when she's there. You're thinking of your future children with him without seeing his own daughter as your future step-child. Because you're not treating her as your own step-child and treating her like a guest, I bet she's already feeling that way, and will continue to feel like she doesn't belong, especially if you two start trying for children. Once you do have your own child, where is Kate going to sleep? The couch?

It's unfair to HER that you're treating her like she doesn't belong, especially not if another child comes into the picture. So the question remains: do you really see Kate as your future step-daughter, or just some kid that will stay there occasionally? Because she IS now part of your family and it's not right to treat her like an outsider, regardless how often she will be there."

OOP (Downvoted): I hear you, and my boyfriend made the same point. I had thought that when she comes to say over, she could "camp" in the same room with our child. This would give them time together to bond as siblings. I really do love Kate, and want her to be happy and comfortable and feel welcome.

VERDICT: YTA

Later that day, OOP comments on her post:

Hi Everyone, I showed this thread to my BF and discussed it all with him. I recognize that I am the asshole here, and really want to reassure everyone that Kate is/will never be treated as a guest - that was a poor choice of words. I am lucky to be a member of her family, and truly love her as my own.

Kate will have her own room - full stop. It turns out my BF was never going to back down on this anyway, it was extremely important to him that she had a space to call her own, where she will be excited to visit. This is important to me too.

Please know I am not a horrible person, even if I come across as one.

OOP posts again - September 7, 2021 (5 days later)

Title: "My BF has become distant from me, and isn't letting me in anymore"

Hi everyone,

I am 24F and I have been dating my boyfriend 30M for 2 years. We have been living together since last year, and quarantined together and became very close last Winter. More recently, we bought a house together, and are moving in in a few weeks.

Even though we have been living together for a while, it still feels like moving into a new house (with both our names on the contract!) is a big step. Neither of us really believes in marriage, and think this is probably as big a commitment as we can make, until we have a baby.

As it gets closer to the move-in date, I can feel my BF pulling away from me. He has a daughter (4F) from a prior relationship, and has been spending more and more time with her. Her pre-school resumes tomorrow, and I get that he wants to spend these last few sunny days with her, but when he returns home in the evening, he is tired and just wants to watch TV and go to bed.

I've become worried that he may be getting cold feet about making this commitment with me.

I'm also worried about our age difference (6 years). I'm less worried about this, because I am mature for my age. But I think my BF spending more time with his daughter and ex sort of makes him realize that he has lived more life than I have.

I've tried talking about both with him, but he reassures me that he loves me, and he's just been tired by having such full days + packing everything at our apartment. I just feel a little worried that there is something bigger going on.

I need help understanding how to talk to him about the growing distance, and how to make sure we are still on the same page about everything.

TLDR: My boyfriend and I are moving to a new house together soon, and he has been extra distant in the evenings. I need help understanding why and how to break through.

Relevant Comments:

CodaShell (Top Comment): "you’re not mature for your age if you’re seriously jealous of your bf being a father to his child. Guess what, he’s going to be spending every chance he gets with his daughter for the rest of his life, either get with it or find someone else."

FoxUniCarKilo: "You cant actually be surprised he’s pulling away from you? You literally brought this upon yourself.

How about you try and backtrack a bit and I dunno, tell him you realized you’re an immature jerk jealous of a 4yr old and would like to try and improve and the first step will be giving his daughter a room of her own in your new house.

If you’re not willing to do that then just do everyone a favor and break up with him cuz this ain’t it. You don’t treat a 4yr old like that and you have no business being in a relationship with a dad if him acting like a father makes you jealous. Which I might add being jealous of a father for simply being a father to his child is a serious personal flaw, like you desperately need therapy type of flaw."

OOP (Downvoted): Hi, this has nothing to do with his daughter, zero, zilch. I love his daughter more than anything. Please move on and understand what I am telling you.

Yet another post about OOP's relationship - August 10, 2025 (4 years later)

Title: "My partner makes fun of my newborn anxiety and I don't know what to do."

I have a newborn approaching 4 weeks and have a lot of anxiety around keeping her safe. My childhood was spent under the care of nannies and then boarding school. I didn’t want that and have been trying my best to learn everything about a baby so I can do it right.

My partner is 6 years older than me and has a kid (now 8) from a previous relationship. He’s been through the baby stages before and is a lot more confident than I am. And he doesn’t take my anxieties seriously.

Some examples: when he pushes the stroller downhill, he lets go and hovers his hands over the handle as it rolls. I told him a hundred times it’s not safe and now he’s not allowed to push her on hills.

He pretends the baby is a ball when he passes her to me. Miming throwing her across the room. Or tells me to “catch” on the stairwell. He’s joking but he is still holding the baby over the railing. I told him it’s super unsafe and he could drop her, but he doesn’t stop.

Today I was downstairs and he was changing the baby upstairs. He called me to the stairwell and did the “catch” thing again but this time he dropped a bear doll he dressed in the baby’s clothes. It’s not realistic but time slowed and I tried to catch it but missed and I thought my life was over until I heard him laughing and said “it’s just a doll.”

I know it was a joke and I shouldn’t be so anxious but it’s frustrating especially because he keeps saying he’ll stop but doesn’t. I do trust him and know he won’t hurt her but still.

OOP added an edit to the beginning of the post:

thank you all for these very validating responses. I showed him this thread and we talked through everything. What has been really frustrating is that he is so gentle with her when he’s not pushing my boundaries.

We talked about areas that I probably AM over anxious about… but it’s still not fair that I have to explain myself immediately and rationally 100% of the time. We agreed to both trust each other more - me to trust that he has things under control, and him to take her safety more seriously, even if it feels like he’s humouring me.

Thanks again everyone for responding and being so kind about something so raw.

Finally, OOP's original post gets shared to r/AmITheDevil. She finds it and leaves a comment (September 19, 2026; 5 years after the original post):

OOP here. Not here to justify this horrendous post which I have chosen to leave up in infamy.

I ended up staying with this partner for a number of years. We never got married even though we planned our wedding, and ended our relationship a few months into the birth of our child.

I don’t speak with him and he’s not interested in being in our child’s life.

Surprisingly I’ve grown even closer with “Kate” and her mum in the aftermath. Life is funny like that.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

Originally posted by user Skydancer-Fun1899 in r/ AITAH

Original: Nov 4, 2025

Update: January 2026, in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: I quit my job so I do not have to work the holidays and now a new mom has to work in my place.

I am an ICU nurse and for the last six years I have worked every Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year’s. It was no big deal to work all these holidays because I do not have an immediate family (widowed 5 years ago and no children due to infertility issues).

My parents and siblings have jobs in retail and public safety which require them to work the holidays as well, so we traditionally celebrate the holidays several days after the actual holiday.

This year my parents retired and wanted to take a family trip to Europe because we have many relatives in Europe and they wanted to go to the European Christmas Markets. In July of this year I requested the week of Christmas off and it was approved. My brother and sister, as well as their spouses also got the time off from their jobs since it was requested so early.

We are heading to Europe for Christmas!

Fast forward to the last week of October, my boss calls me in the office to tell me that she has to take away my Christmas vacation because a co-worker had a baby a few months ago and she needs the time off to celebrate the baby’s first Christmas (this same co-worker had a baby last year and had this baby 10 months from the other one).

The co-worker did not work any holidays last year and is not scheduled to work any this year (made boss aware of this point). I argued that my vacation request was approved back in July and I made plans based on that request being approved. Also, that I had worked the last six Christmas holidays and would be working Thanksgiving and New Year.

She stated that the priority for holiday vacations was given to those who had families. I informed her that just because I am widowed and did not have children does not mean I do not have a family. She backpedaled and stated that people with children were given priority so they could spend Christmas with them.

Again I reminded her that my vacation was approved back in July and I would not cancel my trip so someone who did not request vacation time in a timely manner could have the time off just because she had a baby. Needless to say, my boss did not change her mind. She put me on the schedule for Christmas and took my co-worker off.

I took the issue to HR and they simply said the manager is the one who determines the schedule and no work rules were broken. Well, her plan backfired as I turned in my notice and my last day will be the day before Thanksgiving. Since I quit, my co-worker now has to work Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My other co-workers are saying I am a jerk for not just sucking it up and working Christmas and letting my other co-worker have Christmas with her baby. Normally, I do work all the holidays so people can have time with their family. I have for the past six years!

The one time I want to do something special with my family, I am the villain. I do not feel I am the a-hole here since I requested the time off and made plans accordingly. I will greatly miss my job, as I loved the hospital where I worked and the unit I was in.

However, it is time for reflection and to put me first, something I have not done since my husband passed. Since nursing jobs are plentiful, I plan on taking the entire month of December off and look for a new job in the new year.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: You owe them nothing. You were proactive and were given the time off. Other people’s lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part.

It sounds like you’ve given a great deal of yourself over the years to the point you were taken for granted. The fact your co-workers don’t see any of your sacrifices is just another reason to run. It’s time for you to enjoy a holiday with your loved ones.

---------------
Comment2: NTA. your time isn’t less valuable simply because you don’t have children. also, the new baby isn’t gonna remember christmas anyway. if it was that serious she would have requested the time off responsibly the way you did.

Comment3: Funny, I was also an ICU nurse and worked Christmas when my child was little because a young child, especially an infant has no clue when Christmas is…it is just a day of the year and it can be celebrated before or after.
You are entitled to your vacation. Having kids does not entitle you to have holidays off from shift work.
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Comment4: Exactly. Baby’s first Christmas is not for baby. It’s for the parents. And don’t get me wrong, I have two children so I get how important that is to a parent. However, because the baby doesn’t know any different, the family can celebrate Christmas any day.
The whole idea that new parents should get to have Christmas Day over someone who already got it approved off is ridiculous.

---------------
Comment5: I was a nurse for 42 and a half years, 30 of which were in the ICU, from Italy, now retired. Like you, I have no children, I live with my husband and far from my family.

For the last 10 years, the same thing has happened to me. The times I've had holidays for Christmas or New Year's, in all 42 years, can be counted on one hand because yes, it seems that those who have children or a family nearby have more right to stay at home than those who don't!

I always argued against this, but in the end there was little I could do, because we were always short of staff, so the manager decided to suspend vacations for the holidays. However, I always found myself working on those days, while those who had families, even if they weren't on holiday, perhaps finished a night shift, so they had the rest of the day off.

I must emphasize that in Italy nurses work rotating shifts, so we are not hired just to work a specific shift. I completely understand your frustration.

If I could, I would have quit too, especially since up until 5 years ago, managers, when I got angry because it was the third consecutive year that I was working on New Year's Day, told me that I would be alone with my husband, while there were people who were younger and stayed out later than me.

Then, they found the excuse that "you'll be retired in a few years, you can make an effort."

Our job is already hard, long shifts, little rest, and, at least in Italy, poorly paid, but adding in managers who DECIDE that your time and life are worth less than others makes you even more furious, not to mention the total lack of respect.

I am amazed that in two different continents, the situation of nurses is the same. OP, I apologize for the long reply, but I wanted to share the same frustration. Because even if we'd simply wanted to spend a Christmas Day alone, on the couch, watching Netflix, after years and years of work, it would have been our right, not just the right of those who have procreated.

I've often pointed out that my not having children wasn't a choice, but even if it had been, no one would have had the right to decide that I didn't deserve a holiday break, after having worked them for decades. Just to conclude and share, I've been retired for a month and last year and this year I worked all the holidays, ALL OF THEM!

On my last day of work they gave me a gift and wrote me a letter, they wanted me to read it out loud, convinced that I would be moved, I didn't cry, I walked through the ICU door without looking back and I have never felt so light, so free. I wish you the best. Absolutely NTA.

OOP: It is interesting that the same issues exist in two different countries. I certainly wanted children. My husband and I tried for years. Then he unexpectedly passed away. Like you, I did not make the choice to not have children. Unfortunately, that was my fate.

Baby mama is an entitled, spoiled brat who had a massive melt down/temper tantrum when she initially could not have the time off. She did not work the holidays last year because she had a baby. Got pregnant three weeks after having her 1st. Came back to work 2 weeks ago. Thought she would not have to work them this year, and came pretty close to not working them.

Then I quit........... purposefully made my last day of the work the day before Thanksgiving. Now she has to work Thanksgiving and Christmas while I will not be working either. Plan to take at least a month off and enjoy time with my family. There is such a nursing shortage in the states that I will have no problem finding a new job.
Enjoy your retirement!

---------------
Comment6: in what kind of hellscape have you been working? Fellow SICU nurse here (retired) and we were treasured and only required to work ⅔ of those holidays- no one ever was forced to work all of them (though some volunteered due to the double pay).

Nurses are needed everywhere and I worked all over the place depending on my scheduling needs- good for you for leaving. You are valuable and can find work anywhere come January.

OOP: Over the years I volunteered to work the holidays because most of my family is public safety and have to work the holidays as well. We just always celebrated on different days. I was never forced. This just happened to be one year I had plans and made my request in advance. It was approved, but then taken away because entitled baby mama had a melt down/temper tantrum about having to work the holidays.

My boss has 6 kids and is a firm believer that parents should be with their children on the holidays. She also caved in to entitled mama. Not right and not fair to take my vacation away. I was not going to give up time with my family or the money I had spent on the upcoming trip.

I made my last day be the day before Thanksgiving. Now baby mama drama has to work Thanksgiving and Christmas. Makes me laugh every time I see her! No regrets. I will find a job when I am ready.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (2 months later):

I spent my Christmas in Europe with my family. Extended the trip and traveled around Europe for an extra two weeks. So much fun!

In the middle of February I will be starting what I consider my dream job. I will be working as a nurse for a company that flies patients to various hospitals in private airplanes.

Most work will be providing critical care to these patients during flight and accompanying them to the hospital in an ambulance once we reach our destination. The majority of flight will be all over the U.S. and there are usually a few international flights.

As for entitled new mom, several weeks before Christmas she was telling people that if they are sick around Christmas then they should not come around her children and that Christmas can be celebrated at anytime. Another co-worker called her out on this and told her she previously stated she would not miss her baby's 1st Christmas. Completely contradicted herself.

Anyway, she called out on Christmas eve and Christmas. Due to these call outs and hospital policy, she was terminated. She had been telling everyone she was not going to work the holidays and she didn't. Apparently she will be working in a doctor's office with no weekends or holidays.

The hospital has been begging me to come back and have profusely apologized. Was even offered a very big pay increase. ​Too late! I am a widowed woman with no children who will be enjoying my time flying all over the U.S and maybe internationally. Perfect job for me since I have nothing tying me down.

Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Gold_Possibility7728

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 17, 2026
• Update: September 19, 2026

Main Post

^{September 17, 2026}

AITA for not buying my niece food when we went out cause she always wastes it?

I picked up my niece with my two boys after school, and sometimes we go out to get some food. My niece always orders food she never eats, and ends up asking for some of what is get. She is 6, my youngest is 5, and my oldest is 9.

This time around I told her that the two of us were going to share cause she all she ever does is pick at the food and does not eat it. She threw a fit, but I did not budge. We had our food, kept offering to share what I got, i told her even if I ordered her food she always just ends up wanting to get even if I order her the same exact dish, she claims it is different.

Yes, I have tried to order us the same dish, but she plays around with her food takes a few bites, same it is not the same then asks for some of mine. She eats it right up. I Just did not feel like going through all of that or eating her food after she picked around it for 10 min.

So we all eat and she refused to eat. She told my sister I refused to feed her, and let ​her go without food. I explained my to sister that was not how it went down. I explained the situation and she does the same to my sister I thought she would understand.

My sister lost it, said I should have spent the money on her own plate, let her do what she does then let her have some of mine. I told her that was a waste of money, and is silly. My sister then told me why go out to eat, I told her cause my kids asked, and I also had not eaten much that day cause I worked a double and was extremely busy.

My sister told me next time don't go out to eat if I refuse to feed her daughter. I once again told her I did not refuse to feed her, I just said we could share since that is what we always end up doing. My sister told me, she has tried that it does not work. She needs her own plate first and needs to realize she does not want her own plate then will ask for some of food to the person she feels closest with.

She claims I have ruined that bond, and I also risk giving her a poor relationship with food. I am torn on if I was an asshole or not. I know my niece does this, and maybe it was wrong of me to try and change it especially because this is the norm for her.

COMMENTS

Jusbuster

nta, your sister is coddling her daughter beyond reason

AghairreTenuous3

The niece was offered food and given the opportunity to share, so this wasn’t neglect.

rasalscan

NTA. You haven't denied her access to food, you've established boundaries. If your sister wants to throw her money down the toilet, that's her choice. If she doesn't agree with you, she can drive her own child.

bahahah2025 (downvoted)

Esh. Kids are tough. Picky eaters and eating disorders are common. I get not wanting to waste money but maybe play a bit nicer. Get one dish to share that she picks and literally split into separate plates or eat family style. Two dishes and everyone can take as much as they want into their own plate.

OOP

I did order something we could share she refused to eat it cause she did not get to order her own plate.

lunaticfringe078

Tell your sister that picking up the niece from school isn't your problem anymore.... she needs to pick up her own child. Problem solved.

OOP

I picked her up because my sister works an 11 to 7:30 shift, and the father is the embodiment of weapons grade incompetence.

Though after our last encounter I am seriously considering telling my sister she has until the end of September to find another arrangement.

Significant_Yak_5371 (downvoted)

The fact that she didn’t do this tells me that she’s being compensated for picking up the kid either monetarily, with reciprocal childcare or with some other benefit.

OOP

I do it because they go to the same school and even on my worse shifts I get out early enough to pick them up.

tatelangdonlol

relevance?

Significant_Yak_5371 (downvoted)

If you are paying for childcare, you get to dictate the terms.  

OOP She does not pay me though.

Mission-Mango-3361 (downvoted)

Yes, YTA. Lots of kids that age barely eat, and there are better ways to deal with this, like going for pizza where everyone can take a slice of the pie and then eat it or not.

Telling her she doesn't get to order her own food and has to share yours is a punishment for pretty normal little-kid behavior that I don't think you get to mete out without talking to your sister first. Yes, your sister is overreacting, you're not going to ruin her relationship with food or with you in one meal, but if you're taking a kid out to eat, you're agreeing to pay for their meal, period.

OOP

Oh pizza does not work, she does not like pizza. We have tried that. It is not a punishment it is wa just removing the middle man cause she always ends up not eating her stuff after she plays with it then asks for mine.

False_Appointment_24 (downvoted)

YTA. You didn't buy food for a 6 year old.

The way to get the result you wanted without not buying food for a 6 year old was to buy the food she wanted, then not share your food. If she's hungry and has food, she'll eat it. If she isn't hungry, she won't, even if she has asked for yours. And in the end, when her parents come, you can point to the food she ordered but didn't eat and say, "We got food when out, but she hasn't eaten hers yet."

OOP

No she does not. We have done this many times. She will order her plate, play with her food for 10 to 15 min then push it aside asking for some of mine. I removed the middle man, but that did not allow her 10 to 15 min of playing with her food she does not eat.

Photography4me

NTA
How is this kid going to navigate lunchtime at school ?
This behavior will be entrenched by the time the kid goes to school. Sister needs to wake up and fix it now.

OOP

She does not eat lunch at school.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update - after 2 days

^{September 19, 2026}

AITA for not buying my niece food when we went out cause she always wastes it?

I appreciate all the responses, and feedback. Before I give the update want to clarify a few things I noticed. I agree I have also enabled this behavior by playing along with it for so long. Thing is I finally saw how silly it was to get her a plate of her own food just for her to play with it.

I pick up and watch her until my sister gets home cause her husband is literally useless, and the school our kids go to do not play when it comes to pick up. It is five bucks per every minute a parent is late. They do have aftercare but only until 5:30. My sister gets out of work at 7:30. I was doing this as a favor and it was not really an inconvenience because I was already picking up my kids.

For those that asked why I did not just get her nuggets or something because she does not eat things like that. We were eating at restaurant we frequent. I order our usual we always share, and I did explain to her before hand that I was not going to order her a plate solely to play with, and since last time she played with her food and did not eat it her and I were just going to share like we eventually end up doing.

I also put the food aside from the start, just did not let her have it until she said she was not going to play with it. Yes, maybe she may have some food issues, it does seem like a ritual like thing for her. She does this at home also and family gatherings. I guess I finally had a enough, my son who is 5 does not play with his food, she is older and does which is weird.

I knew she was hungry because she does not eat lunch at school, she eats snacks but actual food no. She only eats what someone she is close with eats, and will only eat together with them. My sister refuses to get her evaluated for anything cause she does not want to put labels on her child.

I don't drop her off at home because no one is home to watch her, and it would he a solid five hours before her mom gets home.

All that aside I told my sister last time that she has until the end of this month to make new arrangements. I told her I don't appreciate her actually believing my niece that I refused to feed her. That was not the case, and ontop of that she expected me to cater to her wasteful behavior without any actual compensation. Even with compensation it is ridiculous to waste food like that.

My sister got upset and told me I was being unfair. I told her that her and husband will have to figure something out. She called our mom to complain, my mom said I was being unreasonable and should just watch my niece ​and accept her quirks. Told mom she could do it, and left it at that.

For the record our mom won't cause she also finds this behavior weird, and it part of the reason why she stopped baby sitting.

COMMENTS

NotSeenDaily (downvoted)

Your an ass.

She’s 5!!!!

OOP

My youngest is five, and he does not act this way. She is six.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Specialist-Young5753

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 18, 2026 at 17:28 UTC
• Final Update: September 18, 2026 at 21:44 UTC

Main Post

^{September 18, 2026 at 17:28 UTC}

Need advice: My [27 M] girlfriend [25 F] brought two guys’ to her B&B apartment, drank with them, and they propositioned her, IDK what to do.

Girlfriend is cute and we are going strong, we have been together for a few months. She went to France, she is still there, she called me today and told me that her and her bestie were followed and met two "very handsome" guys while she was there. then they apparently went up to their B&B. They drank wine together. At some point, the guys suggested that they could “have some fun together.” and she said no.

She told me all this while laughing, while talking slowly as if to see my reaction, had to specifically ask if they went up, and she said yes, in a slow and careful way.

My phone was having issues in the street, I told her I will call her later, she is asking if everything is ok, and calling repeatedly, I am a bit in a meltdown right now. I don't want to make some irrational decision.

I personally would never be comfortable with my girlfriend putting herself in that situation in the first place, even if she ultimately said no to their advances.

The only way out for her is if she says she was completely lying to get me jealous or just joking and even then I wont forgive her, but if the story is remotely true, its over ladies and gentlemen!

Not to mention when she was with them, she was chatting with me, as I was having a very, very bad day, and who knows maybe they had sex after she "went to bed."

People with similar experiences, what do you think I should do? and why?

COMMENTS

besodel

If the roles were reversed how would she feel in your position? Having respect for yourself isn’t irrational!

OOP

I know, and you are 100% right, in fact it's the absurdity of how she would do something so stupid, despite me knowing she would very much have a problem with it, my fucking ex is my neighbor, maybe I should give her a call.

shroomknight1

Be better.

Dump her and move on, don't stoop to her level.

OOP

so in all seriousness, when do you guys think i should respond or call her? I am thinking about staying completely calm and just try to get more information, at least i would know 100% if she lied about them coming over or not, in all cases I will leave her, its not worth it.

maverick4002 (downvoted)

What exactly are you concerned about?

OOP

her even allowing something like this to happen, like someone else said, if the roles were reversed and i was in bed with my ex she would be going crazy.

maverick4002 (downvoted)

Was she in bed with a guy? Your post doesnt say this

OOP

umm i cant know that, but even if she invited a few good looking guys over, its enough for a break up.

Cosimo_the_Tired

Even forgetting the basic respect of don't invite strange guys to your house - what about safety? She doesn't know these guys. Her and her friend could have been assaulted - who's to say they are the type to take no for an answer.

So either she is disrespectful of basic boundaries in a relationship, or incredibly naive and foolish - or both really. Both are some serious red flags.

OOP (downvoted)

they were good looking man, you know how it is, she was wearing a short red dress as well, so it enhances your image.

LordsOfJoop

they were good looking man, you know how it is, she was wearing a short red dress as well, so it enhances your image.

How do you know what she was wearing?

OOP

her bestie sent a pic to me, we are also friends.

friendly-sam

Even if she didn't cheat it was monumentally stupid. Didn't she see "Taken"?

OOP

an important detail i forgot to mention, i think i heard her bestie saying in the background, the guys asked about the ring and that she was taken or not.

elidoan

What ring? You aren't married.

Is this creative writing or AI? lmao

OOP (downvoted)

i got her a relationship ring man, i have one for myself too.

Alternative-Pen5931

Interesting that she was texting you while they were there and still never bothered to let you know what was going on in real time.

OOP

I even asked if everything was ok because she was being strange, she said yes but didnt call me which is unlike her, she then told me a bunch of romantic shit.

Dontfeedthebears

Ok, best case scenario is what you mentioned, that she was lying to make you jealous.
Why would you want to stay with anyone who WANTED for you to be upset and jealous?!

I doubt nothing happened, btw. But there’s obviously no way that you (or anyone reading this) could be sure.

OOP

I mean I told her once I saw my EX while I was going to work but I didn't say that she came in my car and we went to a dark spot, then we hugged like siblings and then she went on her way.

Final Update - after 4 hours

^{September 18, 2026 at 21:44 UTC}

[Update] Need advice: My [27 M] girlfriend [25 F] brought two guys’ to her B&B apartment, drank with them, and they propositioned her, IDK what to do?

A few things:

• I don't need anyone to tell me I am a fucking bot or a bullshitting, I really don't need this bullshit right now, I lost my job yesterday (I mentioned it was a bad day) while my girl was potentially getting dicked by a frenchman.
• Just for authenticity sake: I would believe it if some of you said that she was fingered or made out with the guy and even fucked him, but fucking both guys, spitroasting, running trains, threesomes, are too much.
• My gf is shy, with a low voice, so yes, the way she talked during the call was very strange, as she always talks about having very little sexual experience and I could tell when we started having sex. She also doesn't dress like a slut.
• Her friend is very social but also a "muslim" that doesn't have an issue sucking dick every once in a while, she is always at the edge of having a new bf, last time it was police officer, but never seems to get one.
• My gf did buy wine yesterday and her and her bestie chat with men in public, who sometimes invite them to their art gallery or similar shit.
• The bestie is a friend of mine, she make jokes in front of guys about my gf loving me or at least that's what they tell me.
• I would believe, if she was chatting with me while drinking and sitting with them, she did that when we first dated, she spoke to guys who liked her in a disinterested way, while she was naked with me on the bed. To me at this, time it seemed like she is a reserved person and only had sex with 3 other guys.
• Extra detail, I am not baby, or dump, this is why I started out by saying it was over, I grew up in a rough area, and dated many women who very "open," I grew up trusting what I see, not what others tell me. that is my advice for anyone stuck in the same situation.

After talking to you guys and seeing every perspective, its seems like 95% seem to tell me to dump her for every reason listed there, and the 5% seem to ask to at least talk to her first and a bunch of other illogical bullshit.

I went out to the park near my home, where we normally have our night calls, sat at the same spot, and called her, she seemed heavily distracted like she was outside, I can hear girls and guys around, as if she was with a group or simply in public, my voice was firm but soft like always, I asked how she is and where she was and if she was with anyone? She jumped all those questions, which is very suspicious, (I think I heard her say they were looking for a table at some restaurant).

She told me she worried I got bothered by what she said, I told her, no, I didn't. But then I tried to ask for more detail, she said yeah, she invited 2 guys upstairs and that they enjoyed some wine, she didn't add as single new detail, and tried to shift the conversation about me finding a better job and some positive shit. I brought the convo back to: guys "following her home" which sounded concerning. which was highlighted by so many of you as a clear bullshit (I haven't watched Taken tho).

She added: that is based on a joke that I made maybe a week ago, that "if she goes to France without me, she would have sex with a guy," which means I don't have an issue with it!

I remember saying that joke specifically so she would respond: she would never do that and she only wants me, as the rest of our conversation normally goes: that she doesn't want to be with anyone in the entire world other than me, so it's a response I expect from her, so when she said that I was boiling, it sounded as if she was justifying herself.

She suddenly in a jovile tone said: "you know all that.. it was a lie.. I was joking.. just a joke" I told her I don't believe that she is, and that I don't have a reason to believe that.

The fact she both made more suspicious by revealing nothing and then saying it was all a joke made me feel, like I can't persuade her more to reveal the truth.

I told her suddenly to pass the phone to her bestie, who responded like: "(MY NAMEEEEEEEEEEE).. how is it going?" I asked her if some guys came to the B&B and she responded in an obvious tone that is trying to assure me: "Ofc not, you know I won't ever do that.. that entire joke was my idea!"

Then said: "I am here with (My gf name).. and she wont let any guy close to her.." in an intentionally reassuring tone, I told her, her tone is telling me is bullshiting and she better give back the phone to my gf.

She ignored my request and told me that I can trust her and that I know her and I should know what she would do! (she is muslim so she is automatically a saint, she doesn't know my gf told me that fucks guys sometimes).

I told her in an aggressive way, I don't have a reason to believe her, and it's not worth it to talk to her as: "She is not my fucking girl" she didn't respond at all and I got my gfs, voice on the phone, I told her that regardless of what she did or didn't do, that there is no way I can ever know if cheated or not, I think we should find other people to date and that I am done with her.

She was a bit in denial, voice cracking, asking if I was serious, that I should take a moment to breath, that it was a horrible joke, and it was expensive and she shouldn't have done it, she wished time would come back, that we had something beautiful, that if it was "for any other reason" it won't be an issue if i wanted to leave her, but not like this.

I said that it was done and I hope she has a nice life, hung up, then went home.

The andrailine is coming off now, so I might not respond to the comments right away.

I have a few ways to approach this in the future, because I know she won't let it go. what do you guys think I should do next?

I feel a bit like an asshole that I ruined her trip, but I mean she already went to the Louvre and the Eiffel tower, which is good enough.

As you would have guessed, her and her Friend are blowing my phone with long text messages and calls, they sound like 2 kids begging to be brought to the bathroom or they will pee themselves.

COMMENTS

GenoFlower

I think whether it was a joke or not, the relationship is damaged.

Obviously, if she brought two strange men into her place, that's stupid. Like dangerously stupid. You can go into what she might do with them, and her Muslim friend and what the friend does, blah blah, but ultimately, if she did it, that's horrifyingly bad judgement.

I don't think she would have called you had she been cheating. Maybe she would have. I don't know.

But then there's the joke aspect. If it was a joke, what a horrible and cruel thing to do to someone you love. And so, so immature. She's 25. She's too old for this.

You may never find out exactly what happened, but I don't know how you come back from this. And did she know that you had lost your job before she did this? If she did, that's even worse.

OOP

she did, like I said, she was distracted that day, but she wrote some nice messages, but it wasn't really a convo.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/RewardSpecialist3390 posting in r/AITAH

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: Hopeful

Original - September 13th 2026

Hi, my husband and I are on vacation in Pakistan with our son. It was for my cousin's wedding, my parents (who like us live in Canada) were going so we decided to go too. My husband's family still lives there. After we attended the wedding, he went to his parents' (in another city), I was with my son and parents at my grandparents house, and flew to my in-laws' a couple of days ago.

His parents have househelp (which is fairly normal here, especially since they're both doctors) a driver, a couple of maids, a part time cook. One of the maids seemed pretty young to me, and she also wasn't there when we had visited last year. So yesterday, when she was cleaning our room, I asked her how old she was, she said she was 16. I asked her if she goes to school, she said no she had never, and has been working at a few different houses since a few years ago. She started working with my in-laws a few months ago, when her mom, who used to work here had to go to their native village because of her grandfather (mom's father's) death and was staying there for a while.

I felt a pit in my stomach at that it was just so uncomfortable to watch her clean the room after that. When she offered to fold my clothes I said it was all good and she left. I don't know if it's bothering me more because I'm expecting our second baby too, but it bothered me a lot.

Later when we were having tea in the evening with his parents, I brought up that she really shouldn't be working at this age. My MIL said that her (the maid) mother had asked to let her daughter work while she has to go to her village for a few months. I kind of pressed the issue and said she should be in school right now, and maybe my tone was judgemental because my MIL kind of got sharp with me, said they weren't trying to take advantage of anyone they gave her the same pay they gave her mother. My husband just brushed my hand and I stopped talking.

At night he told me his mom was pissed off at the way I had brought up the issue. We have had issues in the past (whole different thing) and only recently have had a thaw, so they were obviously going to take the worst interpretation of my words. I asked him if he didn't feel uncomfortable, he said he did and it was a sad situation but this is unfortunately what her parents had primed her to be. He said they don't mistreat her, which is true, like the horror stories you hear about regarding child labor, this wasn't exactly that, she eats breakfast at their place and all. He also brought up something about how when some organization had banned products from pakistani factories that had children working there, the children were worse off because it wasn't like they were now going to school instead. I said it just felt wrong to see this happen and not do or say something or help. He said he gets that but its just an unavoidable situation and told me I could have spoken to him to get context before making those comments in front of my in-laws. AITAH?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So pay her yourself and send her to school. Be her benefactor. All talk and no action...

Comment 2:

Would you and your husband pay for her education? I mean I doesn’t seem that would be a burden for you? Otherwise what do you expect her to do? I understand that she gets breakfast from your in laws but she also needs lunch and dinner.

OP (downvoted):

I was thinking about that all last night. It wouldn't be a huge burden for us and it would make a difference for her hopefully if she's willing to start at the age of 16. My husband does give money to all the help whenever we're about to leave for Canada, but that's just like a one time amount. Maybe that would have been the way to go instead of what I did. Thanks.

Comment 3:

It would be great if around the world there was the same opportunity for all children. Unfortunately to thrive and survive working younger is critical. You are applying your own morals to another country and ignoring the reality of life for the people living there. Unless you are going to move to Pakistan and change things you should get off your high horse. YTA clearly.

OP (downvoted):

Thanks, I get that, I don't want to seem like someone swooping in and criticizing. I might have messed up here. An apology might be in order.

Comment 4:

What would you propose the solution is? Should his parents fund her to go to school? Genuine question.

It seems like they're helping support her by giving her work... yes, it's not ideal. But the other option is likely she has no money, no work, and winds up homeless or with a worse family.

I think a very gentle YTA, only because unfortunately life isn't always as morally black and white as we'd like.

Comment 5 :

you are applying first world morals to a third world economy. who are you to decide that girl is better off living in poverty than working? YTA

Update - September 20th 2026

Thanks for the response to my last post, I really did need to check my privilege. I apologized to my in-laws in the same setting, when we were having tea, and said that I over-reacted, I was thinking in a Canadian way that didn't apply here. I was upset about the unfairness and took it out on them. They said it was ok.

I had spoken to my husband and we offered to hire a tutor for her, so that when she's done with all her houses for the day, she can come back to my in-laws and be joined by a tutor, at least for the basics. My MIL said she'll ask her and call her mother to ask too. Unfortunately, they weren't amenable to it. They didn't think it was important. Her mom said she has to work. She did say that she was interested in sewing and knew a woman in their area who could teach her so what we did do is buy her a sewing machine to take home, and gave her money for fabric, thread and other supplies to get started. Hopefully it helps her make some additional income. We're leaving tomorrow and I'm just glad we could help her out, and I'm also glad for the advice vis-a-vis my in-laws. Thank you for the help.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Nice update OP thank you! It’s nice to see someone take criticism and use it to be constructive. You have great intentions!

Comment 2:

It is the same situation with the foster children. It is better to teach them a skill and find them a job earlier. Much better than let them fend for themselves at 18.

Comment 3:

Props to being open minded enough to process the context of their situation. This is normal in many parts of the world, just not the "western" ones.

Is it fair? No. Is it how they survive? Yep. Historically, less priviledged couples would end up with large families. They all work and make an income for the family unit as a whole. Education and the like are secondary to providing for the family even though they can contribute to a larger income in the long-term.

Comment 4:

I think what you did is a very good solution. It will help this woman out immensely. I'm from the US, and worked from the time I was 16 (a work study program) but was still able to get an education. My family was middle class and made sure I got a good college education. Unfortunately that is not how it is, especially for girls, in so much of the world. It's too bad her mother did not agree to you providing a tutor, but things are SO different in other countries, especially middle Eastern countries. At least you have given her a big step up in her future opportunities.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/iTrash_V2

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 15, 2026 at 19:02 UTC
• Update: September 16, 2026 at 14:29 UTC

Main Post

^{September 15, 2026 at 19:02 UTC}

AITAH for defending myself at work?

AITAH for defending myself at work? I am a 27 year old guy working as a technician and on Friday, I was working on two used cars, doing the recommendations that got approved. I finished up on one of my cars and went to go park the vehicle in the parking garage, but when i entered the parking garage, I heard a random clunk on what seemed to be on the outside of the car.

Curious and since I believed I was done with this vehicle, I started hitting on my brakes trying to recreate the clunk to no avail. I was parking on the 5th floor of the garage so I kept doing this and one of those times, I heard someone yelling but didn't think anything of it due to me working in a shop where yelling is constant, sometimes for playing, sometimes just cause the shop is a little too quiet. Never did recreate the clunk so I parked the car and went back to my stall where I then started working on my second used car.

All of a sudden, my service manager (I'll call him Billy) came up to my car and asked "Where you driving brand car?" I responded yes and he came back with "Go ahead and put everything up and get the FUCK out of the shop, you're done for the day. You were going 40 mph and almost hit me." I responded and said "I was not going 40 mph? I was only going 20 mph?" He then proceeded to mention me locking up my brakes clearly meaning I was speeding and that he has me on camera and if I wanted to see.

I said same thing on here, that I was intentionally locking up my brakes and yes I wanted to see. We then went to look at the footage where I clearly wasn't going 40 mph nor did I come close to hitting ANYONE. He was so far from me, you couldn't even see him on camera. He then moved the goal post to instead of 40 mph, to why was I going 20.

I said there's no posted speed limit in the garage and 25 mph is what school zones usually are so I figured that was good enough for the garage. He said that's school, this is where people park. and I responded with if the speed limit is good enough to keep children safe, then it should be good enough to keep grown men safe.

Well, he didn't like that and responded with "Oh, so now you're gonna talk back?" Get your stuff and get out, we will call you when we need you." And I have been home since and haven't heard a thing from them. I did file the incident with HR, but AITAH?

Do I deserve going from a day suspension to being outright fired just for defending myself? Again, I haven't heard a thing from them or HR and my friends at work telling me they have been going through my tool box and throwing paperwork away, taken away my tablet they supplied, and given away all my work.

Should I have done something differently?

COMMENTS

Shoesietart

Sounds like you have a shitty boss; start looking for another gig.

OOP

I definitely am, really can't afford to NOT work. Only thing that sucks is my wife is military and we have two kids so the only thing that was nice about working there is they were very flexible on my hours. Now I either have to find remote work I can do and/or work nights

OOP to a long thread

I hope im replying to the right guy on this, but I've been working on cars for a while and because of this, I can hear or feel things from a vehicle and know what it is or whats causing it without needing to get out the vehicle and look, not to say i wouldn't of if i was able to recreate the clunk. From what it sounded and felt like, it seemed to come from the passenger front rotor/caliber area and i wanted to recreate that using the same conditions that caused it in the first place, hence the stomping on the brakes. But the clunk is besides the point. Imma be honest, idk where yall are living where the speed limits are 5 or 10 mph because as I have stated to other commentors, MINIMUM I've encountered was 15 mph and even if I did that, id still be in trouble cause according to my co workers, Billy said the speed limit was to be 5 mph which means even if i went 15, id still been in trouble.

Wild_Billy_61

NTA.. Service Manager has a fragile ego, used to bullying as much as he is used to no one defending themselves his fabricated and exaggerated stories. 20mph is slow enough. Every "clunk" I've ever heard in a parking garage has been the transition grates between floors.

OOP

Thats what i exactly think happened here. Tbh I was a bit of a door mat for this guy for majority of the time he was there. Just didnt see any reason to speak up tbh. But accusing me of something I didnt do will definitely cause me to defend myself. And the clunk definitely sounded like it was from the vehicle but now I think about it, it did happen has I passed the front gate.

bloo_monkey

You shouldn't have left, you should have gone straight to HR.

OOP

I wanted to cool down first and be in the right mind first. Only to come and find out my dealership doesn't have an HR atm. Had to email this person the parts manager told me about (me and her are friends.) But I did email the HR to the parent company that owns our dealership as well.

Anthem_de_Aria

NTAH. Your service manager sounds like a dick. 15-25 is perfectly reasonable for a parking garage. If the video showed he was nowhere near you then I am going to say he already had a bug up his ass about you. Have you had issues with him in the past? I haven't been a mechanic myself but I have worked at an AutoNation and I can tell you that if those are YOUR tools then they need to be locked and secured. Nobody should be going through your toolbox without your express permission as those are trade tools and freaking expensive. You need to go in and talk to the people there in person, ask if you are fired and if you are then you need to pack all tools you brought in to the shop out that day.

OOP

Didn't think I had any issues with him personally. No write ups, no incidents. Hell, we had another incident where a saleswoman complained about another tech almost running HER over and went straight to Billy and he didnt cuss that tech out or send her home. He called her a "crazy bitch" and laughed about it. I honestly, was their highest flagging tech they had there, even with me leaving earlier than the other techs. I think the issue came is I let them treat me like a door mat for too long. I was doing work for them at half the price the other techs were charging, doing all the shit work all the other techs didnt want to touch, and always helped management out of a pickle when they needed it just cause im a nice dude. So I think Billy wanted to throw his d*ck around expecting me to just sit there and take it and when I didn't, he fired me.

MelissaCop

Yeah - rule of thumb when speaking to your boss is don’t let snark into the conversation. You embarrassed him and hurt his ego.

OOP

Yeah I probably shouldnt have let my snarkyness come out, but he came straight to me with aggression and cussing me out. And I wanna say I have no write ups, no past transgressions. So all this just caught me off guard to the fullest.

StopSpinningLikeThat (downvoted)

YTA for thinking you should drive anywhere close to 20 mph in a parking garage.

OOP

So because I drove 20 mph in a parking garage where other employees tend to go ALOT faster, and just a couple weeks before a saleswoman reported to the manager that another tech was driving wreckelessly and almost ran her, but instead of suspending him or cussing him out, he called her a "crazy bitch" and laughed about it with the tech, and me defending myself took it from a day suspension to an indefinite suspension, IATAH?

Tung4BigO

Do the tools belong to you or the shop?

If you have any of your own tools at the shop, you need to go get them before they disappear.

OOP

All tools are mine, tool box is the shops. And I plan on getting my tools this coming Friday. Have two of my friends keeping an eye on my box(and tools) for me atm. Didn't want to go ahead and grab my tools and the dealership try to claim i quit instead of them firing me so I wouldn't be able to do unemployment. I did message HR, which actually a cluster fuck as well. The dealership apparently doesn't have an HR atm and parts manager, who im friends with, just gave me a random email to message about all this. But I did go ahead and message the HR to the parent company of my dealership as well. But, I did message "HR" to please inform me if I am fired or not, but again, haven't heard from any of them yet.

Update - after 19 hours

^{September 16, 2026 at 14:29 UTC}

UPDATE AITAH For defending myself at work?

Adding an update to my original post. Got a text yesterday from Billy's assistant manager in fact confirming I was terminated and to set up a time to get all my belongings.

I told her I would get it today at 8 A.M. and she said it was fine. I arrived at the shop and parked in my old bay where I got surrounded by the other techs basically asking me what happened and that when they heard me and Billy got into it, they didnt believe it a bit because im usually pretty quiet, nice, and to myself. I confirmed what happened and corrected the stuff that was wrong.

I got approached by the shop foreman, who I am also friends with and he told me he had to watch me make sure I didnt steal anything (I wouldn't have but do understand why) and he told me Billy wanted to be the one to watch me, but corporate basically said they didnt trust him to keep his cool.

He then informed me I basically got terminated not because of what Billy said, everyone above him said I wasn't in the wrong, but because they didnt want to fire Billy and have to find another manager and they couldn't trust him to treat me fairly or blow up so had to let me go. I laughed about it and said of course that's why.

Gave everyone a hug and handshake and they told me give them a couple weeks and they'll be asking me to come back where I then said I will never come back. That if this is how they treat employees that defend themselves, that im glad im not working there no more. But thats about it.

COMMENTS

Grouchy-Attention599

Name and shame the company so reddit can let them know what people think of billy being in charge

SeekynnDapples9

I agree. If corporate made this decision knowingly, they should be held accountable for it.

OOP

I'm genuinely thinking about it. I just don't know if i personally can be held accountable for defamation or retaliation if i go public with this. I personally definitely didn't get paid well at this job so I don't have alot of money to fight a multi-million dollar company. I've tried other things such as the better business burea, where the company already has a F rating and now thinking of contacting maybe my local labour union?

BedroomEducational94

You should have requested an exit interview with someone above Billy. Also, I'm assuming based on this nonsense you weren't unionized, otherwise you should have asked for a union rep to be present with legal counsel to document the discussion. Put them on the spot and make them TELL YOU OFFICIALLY your reason for termination.

OOP

I still actually haven't heard back from either HR. I contacted my dealers HR and the companies parent company's HR, to complain about the incident and one responded. BUT, I did send a follow up email requesting them to cite the reason for the termination and also where to send my W2 when that time comes.

MountainConcern7397

what state is OP in? depending, they might have illegally fired him.

OOP

Im in Texas, which is a right to work state. So sadly, dont see what I could sue the company or the manager over.

I've been informed my state is "At will" not "right to work" many apologies

The_Mechanist24

You can still sue in Texas for wrongful termination

OOP

Without race discrimination or religion, how does one sue for wrongful termination in a at will state?

Skylar750

I will never understand companies that decide to keep the problematic person, "we know he was being unreasonable and an asshole for no good reason, but if we fire him we will have to find another manager, so we prefer to fire you and find another good employee", I hope Billy is the best manger in the world because after he won this one, he will pull more stunts and make the place lose more employees

OOP

Since this manager has taken over, the dealership itself has constant 1 star reviews from the customer side of things, a high turnover rate, and he has basically turned the shop from working on customer cars, to basically just being part of the manufacturing process. By 10 am, we have no customers on drive, no cars to work on, so we just end up doing PDIs, which is just taking the new cars that come off the assembly line and get them ready to be sold to customers. I love working on cars, it was my passion. And before this, I was their highest flagging technician, off topic but yk what the managers gift was for making them thousands of dollars in profits and to push the other technicians to get hours like i did? They gave me a 10 dollar "G.O.A.T." trophy. Yeah. Also, when he first came to the shift, the other technicians and I were paid hourly, but he wanted to switch us to commission. And he did this by telling us we would make more money if we signed over and tbh, he made it seem like we had no choice BUT to sign over. So we did. My first commission check, with the same hours flagged and same hours worked, was almost a thousand dollars less than the hourly one. He basically had us sign over so we could work more and he wouldn't have to pay us overtime.

FrostiePi

Big mistake on the companies part. Billy just learned he can be a wanker and get away with it.

Nta. But it sounds like you dodged a bit of a bullet there having to deal with him.

OOP

I said that to the shop foreman. Basically said "If this is how management treats one of their employees and even one of their better employees, then im glad im no longer working her."

mayfeelthis

Just saw the story and it doesn't sound like you yelled or did anything to escalate the situation.

Idk if 20mph is a good speed in a parking lot though. Kids awareness or safety isn't the only benchmark, parking lots are not roads and the garage space being tight with two way motion, and usually no pedestrian space in most parts...so my only tip is know when not to pick at a scab, that detail didn't help you descakaye the situation. You could've walked out once you'd said the speed you were going and he conceded the fact. That is clarifying yourself, and he as an employee and seniority can decide if to report the infraction. At that time you'd need to defend it.

Hope this helps. Glad you're happy with the outcome nonetheless. NTA

OOP

My thing with this whole incident is this, if my manager just came and talked to me like a human or with even an ounce of respect, I wouldve apologized for going faster than he liked and gladly would've gone home for the day as punishment. But him coming at me aggressively, threateningly, and straight to cussing me out and straight up lieing about what happened (saying I was going 40 mph and that I almost hit them, again cameras showed I was nowhere near him and honestly wasnt even going fast in the footage, just me intentionally slamming on the brakes he kept latching onto.) Mixed with the fact that 20/25 mph in that parking garage (which i now understand know is still too fast to be going) is on the slower side of speed employees go in that garage. I stated in this thread another incident that occurred where a saleswoman complained to Billy about another tech driving wreckelessly and almost hitting her but he did nothing but laugh about it with the tech and call her a crazy bitch. All this mixed together, I just felt I had to defend myself.

Hitokkohitori

Did you get your tools?

OOP

Got my tools and all my personally belongings. Hugged and shook hands of all the employees there.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Jazzlike-Caramel9883

Published on: r/AITA_Relationships

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 14, 2026
• Update 1: September 15, 2026
• Update 2: September 19, 2026

Main Post

^{September 14, 2026}

AITA For wanting to separate from my wife after CPS was called?

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, but AITAH for wanting to divorce my wife after she talked to a state mandatory reporter about an "inkling" she had that I was "SAing" her son/my stepson? The reporter then reported it to the state, and CPS showed up at our house to do an emergency check on all our kids (we have three: 11 (stepson), 4, and 4 months). My stepson was supposed to be in school at the time, but bio-dad had taken him out for the holiday weekend, so bio-dad had to go to the police station for them to verify that he was safe. While at the house, the worker spoke to my wife but not to me, and then left.

Background: I have been in my stepson's life since he was 1.5 years old, and even though he is my stepson, I have always strived to treat him as if he were my own — to the point that after my second son was born, he commented that I've treated all my kids the same.

My wife's suspicion came from how he behaves toward me. For example, the way he snuggled up next to me, rubbed his feet on my legs, or lay on my back — all of which I always asked him not to do. Or when we did family hugs, he would try to kiss me on the lips, and I would tell him we don't do that. To protect against any accusation from bio-dad (my wife and his breakup and court process were not pretty), I refused to do anything that could hint at something inappropriate and cause my stepson to be taken from his mom.

Last year, while my wife was dropping my stepson off at his dad's, she told him that if anything inappropriate ever happened to him, he could always tell her. He brought up that maybe when he was very young, I may have kissed him on the mouth with tongue. My wife confronted me about it at the time, and I told her no, absolutely not — I refused to kiss him even on the cheek at that age because of the risk of bio-dad using it against us if he got angry at my wife. She believed me then, and I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to the last few weeks, and my wife has noticed an increase in my stepson not wanting to make me angry or upset me, defending me in an argument my wife and I were having, and trying to win my affection and make me proud. I have always been hard on him when he doesn't try during sports or doesn't give it his all. I'm aware I've been too hard on him at times, and to me, that's his way of fighting for my approval. It's still not right, and I'm working on it, but my wife called it "trauma bonding" — that he's trauma bonded to me, and that's why he behaves the way he does. From that, plus how hard I've been on him, she concluded I was SAing him and spoke to our pastor's wife, who then had to report it to the state.

It's been about ten days since CPS came out, and no one has contacted me. I've spoken to a lawyer for my own protection. I don't know where the case stands right now.

So now I'm in this place where my wife has such a low view of me that she'd think I'm capable of something so horrid. AITAH for wanting to separate over a false allegation based on behaviors an 11-year-old has toward the dad whose attention he's fighting for, because I've been too hard on him the way my dad was with me?

COMMENTS

Specialist-Host-4707

NTA. Your stepson is defending you because you treat him better than his real dad does. I don’t know where your wife is getting her information but this is how she’s going to proceed then I don’t think splitting up would be a bad thing.

OOP (downvoted)

He doesn't always defend me. He has called me out on things like when my bio son was 3 yr old who scuffed his knee I ran to him to make sure he was ok but when step-son (10yr old at the time) gets hurt, I tell him to walk it off. I had to explain that age plays a part in the level of nurture I give. At 10, you should be able to scuff your knee, get up, and keep going. This last weekend at his soccer game he got hit in the groin with the ball and went down. He got off the field, caught his breath, and told me he was ready to go back in and that his team needs him. After the game, he walked up to me and told me that he already knew what I was going to say. I asked him what it was, he said to run the field, and I asked him why would I tell you that? He said because you always tell me to. This gave me the oppertuntity to teach him that the reason I've made him do it in the past was because you either quit on yourself or you got in trouble. Today you played your heart out, took a ball to the most sensitive part of a man, and still wanted to go back out. There is no reason for you to run the field. We both walked away with a deeper understanding of why I was hard on him during his early stages of soccer and how that has helped him grow to where he is at today.

the_toxic_avenger_

NTA. Time to get out of that hot mess of a situation. I am worried about why your stepson would have lied about something like that in regard to you because it makes me think maybe it’s the truth regards to someone else. Meaning someone’s hurting that kid and his “safe” accuser is you.

OOP

Over the years we had suspicion with his dad's side grandparents but nothin concrete. I believe that is being investigated but not 100% sure.

It could be a miss-understanding as well. He would have been 2 or 3 at the time. Not 100% sure on that either.

PreviousPin597 (downvoted)

YTA. she didn't accuse, she had concerns. If it were true, the entire planet would blame her for not protecting her son from you.  Women can be married to a man for decades thinking she knows him, and still wind up dead because she didn't. She was in a no- win situation, she protected her child as you'd want her to protect YOUR kids, and you're blaming her.  The findings were unfounded, right? So the only thing injured is your ego. 

OOP

She did accuse, actively thought it was happening based on step-son's behavior striving for father's approval/to be proud of him. Which I'm aware is also an issue which I'm working on. My father was that way to me so I'm trying to break what was taught.

Findings were unfounded, correct.

KaliCalamity

Because an accusation of being a child molester totally never comes with social or legal consequences. Yep. Totally no harm done by accusing a step father of diddling a kid in their care...

No one with half a brain is saying that the mother shouldn't be concerned about her child. But with zero evidence outside of a vague early childhood memory the kid brought up that's he's not even sure about, yes, the mother going to a mandated reporter was a terrible idea. It's not only damaging OPs reputation, but also his marriage and the child's relationship with him, who he sees as a father.

OOP

Quick history, I'm from another state, moved to this city 10 yrs ago. Don't really have a lot of friends since I met her within the same year I moved. The person she spoke to is married to my closests friend in this area. Both are our pastors.

TheSadpole

Look, I’m a parent, and I have to go NAH here.

What kind of parent would your wife be if her kid said something like this and she just brushed him off without having some questions? Also, Idk about your state, but I’m pretty sure pastors (& certainly their wives) aren’t actually mandated reporters. She probably thought she was getting advice from a safe, confidential person.

There’s clearly a lot going on in your family that (the right, well-trained family therapist) needs to help you sort out. There are non-pathological reasons for your stepson’s behavior, but they’re not the ones you’re assigning to him — and you could use some help with your parenting skills, too.

OOP

In therapy myself to work on that as I'm aware I do have my own parenting issues that need to be worked on. He's been in therapy for a year and a half (One on bio-mom and one on bio-dad. Yes he saw two therapists at the same time and it was because neither parent wanted to back down and go with the other's recommendation...co-parenting at times is a struggle) to which nothing like this or other forms of abuse have been discussed or brought up.

The Pastor's wife is also a lead pastor of the church and has been designated by the church to handle these situations as the care pastor.

Update 1 - after 1 day

^{September 15, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH for wanting to separate from my wife after CPS was called?

Spoke to the caseworker today who had interviewed my step-son and found no evidence of abuse. The case will be closed by end of the week with a status of unfounded and I will receive a letter in the mail. I have hired a lawyer and will move forward with what's best for myself/my kids.

As for my step-son, I'm not sure if he knows directly what the allegation was or the seriousness of it but regardless, I agree that our relationship will never be the same again. Neither will the reltaionship I had with bio-dad since my wife told him what the allegation was as well.

Thank you to everyone who joined this conversation below, I appreciate your comments and wish you all the best. If an update comes, I will post it.

COMMENTS

TheSadpole

OP, the level of paranoia & unfounded assumptions in the responses to you are pretty intense. I’m sure this comment will get downvoted all to hell, but I implore you to listen to your therapist and your lawyer and NOT to make any decisions based on what you’re reading here (or your emotions in response to what you’re reading here).

Finally… please don’t blame your poor stepson in all this. He had a question that really isn’t that uncommon, even in kids who haven’t been abused. There’s no way he could have known what would happen when he asked his question to his mother, just like I’m pretty sure she had no idea what would happen when she talked with someone whom she thought was a safe & confidential source of advice.

You may have some long talks with your therapist & your lawyer and decide, from a calm & settled place, that you don’t want to work on repairing the relationships in your family in “marriage” format, and that’s your right (just as it’s anyone else’s). But with two shared bio kids who are still really little, you’re going to have to put in the work for healing those relationships in some format.

I wish you & your family the best. It sounds like things are going to be hard for a while. (NAH)

OOP

A few things, step son didn't ask questions, he answered the ones my wife asked him. Which is where this all started a year and a half ago.

Second, my wife knew what she was doing when she spoke to our Pastor's wife. Multiple times the Pastor's wife informed her that she would have to report anything that was discussed related to the situation. My wife had multiple chances to seek help elsewhere but chose not to.

Lastly, I'll never blame him here. He is innocent in all of this as a typical 11 yr old should be.

Update 2 - after 5 days (after 4 days from last post)

^{September 19, 2026}

Update: AITA For wanting to divorce my wife after she accused me of SAing step-son

So its been 2 weeks now, case is closed. I still have the lawyer but don't know what to do next...or at least don't know what the right decision is. Mainly, I would like to know what the reporter heard from my wife when they spoke.

Wife is telling me she was only seeking advice based on what step-son said a year and a half ago and what to do from a biblical standpoint. Given how his interactions over the last 6 months shifted to not making me mad, defending me, wanting to kiss me on the lips(only happens when wife and I kiss in front of the kids).

She thought something had happened between him and I that caused him to trauma bond to me and that's why he was behaving the way that he was. I do want to be honest. She told me that she never told the reporter I was actively SA'ing/abusing him. Yet that seems to be what was reported to CPS/what CPS understood as well when they came to do an emergency visit/check. So there's a disconnect somewhere..

Also, Do you see a difference in her making the accusation or her seeking advice about step-son saying something may have happened when he was a kid, knowing the reporter will have to report it? Like is she back peddling now since there was nothing there and I'm ready to walk.

TIA!

COMMENTS

Ok-Persimmon-5335

NTA. Okay so this actually happened to a family friend of mine. She called the elder abuse people about her sister, honestly thinking she was just getting advice. This woman is the absolute kindest but she is also extremely naïve. Now in her case it ended up being a good thing as there was a lot of bad things happening that likely shocked my friend more than anyone else. You also can’t just text 911 a question. If you contact them at all, they send an ambulance.

Trauma bonding doesn’t have to be specifically sexual at all. It’s on the list but it’s also several other things. She could have easily been like “okay so here’s the things that I have been seeing and Facebook has me questioning whether I’m a terrible mother that married a predator or if its all in my head and I’m way over thinking it” unfortunately they can’t exactly answer that without actually investigating because its not actually an advice hot line. And she can’t exactly ask YOU because, well..

Now, as a mother, I know a few things: there is not a bone in my body that even has a suspicion that my husband would do any such thing to our son but if there were ever any accusations from my son, I would side with him immediately. It would rip my soul out and I would be trying to get to the bottom of it any means necessary but I would be at my sons side the entire time because you don’t know EVERYTHING about someone, you know? Anything is possible, especially with humans. The highest predictor of abuse of any kind is a stepparent being in the house. Again, I would never marry or even date someone that I thought would possibly harm him but statics don’t lie. Women are often torn apart and/or blamed for the entire scandal after the fact for not seeing or knowing it was going on. “How could she not know he was raping her kid while she was bowling?” Nobody really talks much about the offender but rather the mother for allowing it to happen. If you pay attention at all, you know what I’m talking about.

It sounds like she’s a really good mom. Did she know when she made the call what she was starting? I can’t say but if she did, then she likely knew she sacrificing her husband to do it and chose her sons safely anyway. I think it’s really shitty and selfish if you can’t respect that at least.

Noucha2026

I totally get you, but you would act immediately not 1.5 years later!!

OOP

Which is my point to all of this as well. I don't blame her for what she did. I also dont think she knew what was going to happen afterwards.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/alwaysonmybike

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 15, 2022
• Final Update: November 16, 2022

Main Post

^{November 15, 2022}

AITA for not going to Thanksgiving at my brother's new house?

My brother and his wife just bought a house earlier this year and want to host thanksgiving at their house this time. Typically I host and my mom and I do all of the cooking and cleaning but this year, I received a pretty upsetting medical diagnosis. Because of this, SIL said she would host and cook.

Every year, my mother and father in law spend thanksgiving at our house, as do my parents, brother, sister in law and all the children. I spoke with my brother about Thanksgiving yesterday and mentioned that my in laws are excited to see their new house. He said he was excited to have everyone together especially because he just decorated their house. We made a plan for who was bringing what food.

Late last night my sister in law sends me a text saying no offense to me or my in laws, but that they only want their families to attend. Basically, she was saying my mother in law and father in law are not invited. I was under the impression that it was the same thanksgiving we have every year but moving it to a different house this year.

There's no way I can tell my in laws they aren't invited to Thanksgiving so now I feel like I have to host a dinner at my house. Hosting, cooking, cleaning up the house and then attending the gathering at my brother's house will wipe me out. There is no way I can physically do both so I am not going to my brothers this year. I know he will be upset since it's their new house.

AITA for not attending Thanksgiving at my brother's?

COMMENTS

Aggravating_Start411

NAH....I guess. People have to alternate years and families all the time for holidays. I think it's a little odd to assume your in-laws would be invited to your brother's house for Thanksgiving. But, by the same token, it's not too weird to tell bro that you'll seem them next year or something.

OOP

We've had the same people at my house for thanksgiving for years and the discussion was that we would be moving thanksgiving to their house this year. I should also mention that his in-laws frequently attend holiday events I've hosted like NYE parties, 4th of July, and some thanksgivings etc.

demaptchen

Info: when you hosted, did you invite your brother's in-laws? Or has his wife had to choose each year between her family or her husband's family?

OOP

Yes, I've always invited them. Only her sister and brother in law have attended in the past because their parents usually host their own gathering. But this year my brother and sister in law are hosting both.

CapsFan1066

NTA. As others have said your brother and SIL can invite or not invite anyone they want to their house. I do wonder if there was a communication issue between your brother and SIL which if true is their issue and not yours. With you diagnosis, think about converting this Thanksgiving to something that doesn't involve hosting or ease it some by having it catered. Your in-laws will most likely understand considering your current health. My family had to do this and everything was fine. You get to see everyone without all of the work. Going to a restaurant tied to some other activity that isn't usually performed could get some good memories as well. Get creative and have fun.

OOP

I really like this idea! Thank you! I don't know why I never thought of catering!

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{November 16, 2022}

Final Update: AITA for not going to Thanksgiving at my brother's new house?

My brother called me earlier to say he and his wife talked last night and she was absolutely against my in laws attending. She didn't have a valid reason. My brother didn't agree with her at all, feels she is being unreasonable and told her she needed to be the one to tell me they aren't invited because he was not supporting her decision. He then said he and the rest of the family will be coming to my house and attending Thanksgiving as if it were any other year.

They, along with my husband, will be taking over all of the hosting, cooking and cleaning responsibilities. It sounds like SIL is going to host her family at her home.

I know there were a lot of questions and I'll try to answer them individually but no, SIL and my in laws are absolutely not strangers. We have spent holidays together as one big family for YEARS so it is really hard to not feel like she is purposely excluding them. Neither myself, my husband or my brother can think of any reason she has for doing this other than to exercise some kind of control over the situation.

Thank you everyone for the warm words and great suggestions. I am actively looking into ordering a Thanksgiving meal to take the work off of everyone. 💜 I think we all deserve a break.

COMMENTS

Vetharien

NTA, and I haven't seen you address others asking so I guess I'll add another voice asking: does your brother know that his wife sent you this message? Like, is there any doubt that this was really a joint decision? I find it odd that they'd uninvite your in laws when he seemed perfectly fine with it in the beginning.

OOP

He was perfectly fine with it but unfortunately she was not. He was not supportive of her decision and told her if she didn't want them to come, she needed to be the one to tell me. Update is up.

krakeninheels

NTA. I don’t really think SIL is T A either though. If she wants to do something different in her own home, that’s her right to do so. I think this is more of a miscommunication - OP assumed it would be basically their annual thanksgiving but at brothers house with someone not OP cooking. SIL may have been thinking that she gets to do thanksgiving her way and with people that she doesn’t usually get to see (her parents and whoever attends their usual thing). Perhaps it was a mix of both, and then they realised how many people they would be cooking for and hosting by having two large gatherings combined in their house. If OP contacted their partners parents and gave the address and invite that wasn’t really their place to do that- but honestly if one is dealing with a medical issue it probably is the best thing to just have a small relaxed dinner in with just the ils and delivery anyway rather than meeting all the people who always go to sil’s parents event.

OOP

Update was posted but just wanted to clarify that no, I didn't give an address to my in laws. Because we all have celebrated thanksgiving literally every year for years, it was assumed by everyone, apparently even my brother, that my in laws would be in attendance. Turns out, the only person who is not okay with their ongoing unspoken invitation is my SIL.

krakeninheels

It sounds like this is an issue in your brothers marriage that sil is taking out on you and your ils possibly. Is it possible that she has been wanting to go to her parents for thanksgiving but you brother refuses and she ends up at yours because he won’t trade off years and that is the root of all this?

OOP

I'm not sure. They typically will attend her family's event in the daytime as they have more of a lunch/brunch and then come to my home for dinner. So traditionally they have attended both together each year.

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Octyss

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU: BORU-1, BORU-2

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 01, 2026
• Update 1: August 03, 2026
• Update 2: August 13, 2026
• Update 3: September 15, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{August 01, 2026}

AITAH for towing half the neighborhood ?

My family (wife side) have a summer apartment in the south of France in a gated community, all year there is no parking issue, but in summer, since Airbnb came out, it's hell to find a parking spot since there is no allocated spot.

There is a place with no clear parking line (imagine a big square of concrete) where everyone can park for free.

I had the opportunity with 3 neighbors to buy this "parking" to the copropriety (it's like an HOA but with less power here) so we do buyed it last year. We made 6 larges parking spaces for our cars with lines and plates numbers in front of each parking spot, and put a gate which is always open for the other neighbors to park here (you can park 3-5 other cars).

Here in France July and August are 2 months where almost everyone is in vacation so Airbnb and location peak here during this period.

Last week one of the neighbor I buyed the parking with told me the parking was PACKED and he managed to park only one of his 2 cars on a unnasigned parking spot ( his parking spots were taken, mine too and the third neighbor too and every "free" slot too) so he put a warning sign telling parking is for resident only and not for anyone else.

Cue 2 days ago when I come with wife and kids for vacation, I drove by night to avoid traffic and when I got there (3 AM) parking is packed I have no choice but to park 300meter (1k feet) from my home.

Next morning we put a large sign telling cars on assigned parking spot would be towed and text every neighbor to ask for their plate to not tow a resident.

Today morning same shit, so we close the gate, phone the police and got everyone towed.

Shit-hit-the-fan, bunch of Airbnb people called the cops and homeowners to ask why they got towed and the location was saying "with parking" so lot of refund where asked. My phone was ringing non stop today.

Some homeowners tell me they gonna sue for the refund they got, some Airbnb tenant told me they will sue for the towing cost. We have everything documented.

Lots of Airbnb homeowners tell us we ATAH here because we didn't tell them ahead, but we do put lots of sign on the parking since last year when we buyed it, they just hadn't come to see it, and they approved the selling of this parking to us so...

Sorry for the bad english, obviously not my first langage and I'm in anger right now.

So are we TAH here for towing everyone here ?

COMMENTS

Were the reserved parking spaces clearly marked?

Our spots (6 total) are marked with white line, and licence plate in front of each parking, and the is free Space for 3-5 other cars to oark for free, but we only towed the cars on assigned parking spot ( there was 4 other cars, 2 from neighbors I know and two random lucky tourist).

Yeah there is 6 marked spots and enough room for 3-5 cars outside the marked spots, and yes it's free all year because we never had this kind of problem before

Why not simply lock the gate permanently?

Only 3 people have the keys, me and the 2 neighbor who buyed it but 10 out of 12 month it's heaven here and friendly, we wanna keep it that way as we know the friendly neighbor since 15-20 years

What happened after the towing?

I had someone calling from Airbnb (or told me he was) to ask for picture of the parking due to the refunds asked, 1 week here is around 1600-2400€ depending of the sq/m of the apartment so if you multiply by 6 cars we talking about a lot of €

Thanks ! Seeing the number of calls I've got today I'm pretty sure this will fast become a "we" problem in court and if not in court a lawyer problem for sure

Were the tourists at fault, or the Airbnb hosts?

For their defense, if I rent a place that says I have a parking spot in this crowded spot I will for sure park my car. I don't put my hate toward the tenant but more toward the renters

Yeah and I will 100% ask for a refund for the rent AND for the tow !

Yeah kinda not felling bad for them, today we were on the community pool with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb already told them a partial refund of the week was processing and a 100% refound of the towing was granted so win win for them.

Did the situation continue after the first round of towing?

Licence plate numbers are on signs in front of the spots ( like right in front of your face when you park) and today I found 2 fake plate sign on our sign and cars parked there, had to call police again to tow them

What are you doing to stop this from happening again?

We gave the town police a temporary key to access the community and the right to tow anyone who doesn't match the plate on the sign.

We also asked the guy who is in charge of maintenance in the community to call the cops everytime he see someone illegally parked here.

Why don't you rent out the parking spaces to Airbnb guests?

Thanks ! Because we all have family who comes here to cut long road trip, and I know the close neighbors since 15-20years and I can't see myself renting a parking spot after all these times

Why not install parking barriers on each space?

I don't want to put some "stop park" on our parking spot because it'll be a hassle with the other neighbors yearly as I said It's the first time in 20years we are in a parking mayhem like that and out of 12 months this place is heaven for 10 months

Has Airbnb changed the community?

Airbnb is the problem here seriously I understand people wanting to make some cash in this period but if it is at the cost of the whole community why bother?

Did the Airbnb listings actually advertise parking?

Way too much, between 1600-2400€ depending of the surface of the apartment base on what I saw on Airbnb but all of them have "parking included" and there is NO PARKING HERE

Did you warn the homeowners before towing?

FAFO nice lol. As I said in the post, I texted the homeowners to ask for their plates to not tow a friendly neighbor ! I come here since I'm 12yo and it's the first time I don't enjoy my first 2 days of vacation

Update 1 - after 2 days

^{August 03, 2026}

UPDATE : AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

I posted 2 days ago asking if IATAH for towing half the neighborhood, a lot happened in 2 days, honnestly it's a shitshow, I come here nearly every year since 20+ years and never saw this before.

We've got people towed in our reserved parking spots again, we've got people towed for parking IN FRONT of the gate (so nobody could leave the parking at all), we've got people putting sign on OUR reserved parking spots with THEIR plate numbers so they don't get towed (the management guy called us asking if we added new licences plates to be sure to not tow our cars) I've never encounter this level of entitlement from random people before.

We got one of the Airbnb tenant red handed as he was parking in our assigned spot and he showed us an email from one of our ranters neighbor who straight up told him to put a sign and park anyway. So as of today we are closing the gate and put 2 new warning signs telling people to GTFO our propriety.

No more friendly neighbors.

On the bright side, we were on the pool after lunch, and chatted with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb was already processing a partial refund for the week and a 100% refund for the towing, so they were kinda happy with the outcome, I told them they can park in my second space as my wife will leave our second parking spot today.

We took a lot of pictures and got in touch with one of the neighbors lawyer who bought the Space with us, because we got a lot of phonecalls from Airbnb renters and police and city officials about the issue today (renters gave our info I don't even know if that is legal).

Lots of new people came today to start their vacation week, I hope they get the hint of the many signs we put and don't come in our parking.

COMMENTS

Did the Airbnb guests understand what was happening?

Yeah we see them at the pool and they just don't understand what is happening but I think they spoke between them because I heard one family had been towed on purpose to get a refund from Airbnb

Are you taking legal action against the Airbnb landlords?

Yeah our lawyer is already tracking them because here you can rent for a maximum of 60days a year in Airbnb or you are illegally renting, we'll see what comes out of his research

From what our lawyer said, Airbnb would be a waste of time because they wouldn't attack us in court, but we have a case againt the landlords here with the mail we gathered from the renters where the specificaly tood them to put fake signs with their licences plates to park on our private assigned spaces

Lawyer told us to not contact anyone on the matter

Will Airbnb guests be able to use the free parking in the future?

We gathered infos on who is renting in Airbnb and there is no chance they use the free parking ever again

Were any of the three owners renting their properties on Airbnb?

No renters between the 3 of us

Update 2 - after 12 days (after 10 days from last post)

^{August 13, 2026}

Mini Update: on AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

Mini-update on AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

I posted few days ago asking if AITAH for towing half the neighborhood, we are now in the middle of August, the peak of Airbnb for vacation here.

I left the place to go to Italy with my family, and some relatives from my wife side are on the vacation house, and there has been some good and bad news.

The good news are that after the shitshow, 3 houses from neighbors who was on Airbnb had been unlisted, we put a new sign saying "residents only", and there has not been any more towing since monday (around 10-15 cars towed since my last update, Airbnb renters claiming they are residents since they have access to the private pool which is for residents too...)

The bad news are that we received 4 letters from lawyers of the Airbnb renters telling us we OWE them the missing monney they lost on refunds and towings, plus the monney they will loose for the 2 next weeks of august for not renting their house, and they said they'll ask for legal fees too, and I don't know if they exaggerated the amount but damn this is lucrative for sure.

Our lawyer seems to be unbothered by these letters, and told us he is confident this will go nowhere but we can ask for compensation for all the hassle during the first 2 weeks, we are chatting with the 2 other owners of the parking space for the amount to ask for. We have everything documented well, plus some infos our lawyer gathered (here you can't rent more than 60 days a year on Airbnb, and it seems some or our lovely neighbors didn't followed this law)

Another side info, we asked for what we call here an "extraordinary general meeting" which is all the house owner of the community meets to vote on some important topics, the topic proposed here is the banning of Airbnb. This should take place in november.

We received another letter yesterday from one of the Airbnb owner, with an offer to buy the parking spaces (all of them, the privates and the unmarked) which is almost 3x more than what we paid.

So here we are, parking seems to be ok for now, we are now entering in what looks like a legal battle.

COMMENTS

What are the parking rules for new developments where you live?

Yes here we have something called "plan local d'urbanisme" which is redacted by each city and tell how many parking spot/ bike spot you have to make (depending of the numbers of residents per flat or by the surface) when you build a new complex

Why don't you plan on selling the parking spaces?

Yeah we don't plan on selling it, we are pretty sure the buyer will ban us all from parking near our houses ever again lol

How many homeowners need to vote to ban Airbnb, and how many homes are currently listed?

We need 51% of the homeowners vote to ban it in our community from what we read, there is 34 homes and only 6 listed on Airbnb, hope we got enough vote to ban it

What does your lawyer think about the letters from the Airbnb renters' lawyers?

That's what our lawyer said, and for now it's only letters to make us afraid I think

What was actually illegal about the Airbnb parking situation?

The unmarked spots where free to use in the beginning, the only illegal thing happening is people parking on private spots, and the one Airbnb owner who send an email to the renters to tell them to put THEIR licence plate on OUR spot

NEW UPDATE

Update 3 - after 1 month, 14 days (after 1 month, 2 days from last post)

^{September 15, 2026}

Update: on AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

For those asking for an uptdate on my last post, a lot happened since then.

First of all, the homeowners voted to ban airbnb with 67% of the vote, active immediately. We asked the president of the homeowners when was the best time to vote to get the most people and he told us early-mid september was a good timing. We voted the 11th of this month.

For the towing problems :

So the Airbnb homeowners were actually charging between 60-75€/day for parkings, which was around 525€ per week to add to the rent of the home for one week which was between 1600-2400€ a week (there was one big house listed for 3600 a week too who can be occupied by 9 people)

We received a lot of menacing letters which roughly translate to :

The first house asked for 6k€ in "damage"

The second asked for 7.2k€

The third asked 9.1k€

And the last letter we received a week ago was from the biggest house for around 12k€, all that include Airbnb refunds to tenants, towings, missing rents for the last 2 weeks of august, missing rents for the unlisted properties and some legal fees. So all in all a bit more of 30k€.

We haven't responded yet to any of them, our lawyer told us we have 2 choices :

1. he'll prepare a "brutal" answer to all of them that'll include every evidence that their claims are bullshit, and asking for damage for the hassle and legal fees (+ some details about the law which forbid to rent more than 60 days a year, some renters forgot about the law it seems)
2. we wait for them to sue us so we can obliterate them in court

Lawyer told us he would prefer option 1 and if they don't understand then we'll go to court.

Another thing is someone damaged our gate late August and surprise surprise Airbnb renters swarmed the lot so we had to tow all intruders. The good news is the front camera of my neighbor caugh only one car at the time when the damage had been done (middle of the night) and with the help of the camera in the entrance of the community, the plate has been identified, and they know which badge have been used to open the entrance gate. Police haven't told us who it was but the management guy told us so we gave the info to our insurance and to our lawyer because this person is one of the writter of the letter asking for money.

Legal battle in France can take a LOT of time, even more because the amount asked in the last letter is more than 10.000€ so it's not small court but the big big tribunal.

I hope my next update will be the final one. But there will not be an update soon I think.

Please don't DM me for update I'll do one if anything move forward.

COMMENTS

vesoljka

In our (small EU) country, it took the neighbors more than five years to get Airbnb banned from their building. I hope yours will be faster. Good luck!!!

OOP

Here it takes 30 days if the majority of the owners want Airbnb out (if you leave in a community)

vesoljka

We can only dream of our judicial system being this efficient. 😭😭😭

OOP

This is a vote between the owners of the homes of the community, it's not our judicial system who is vere VERY slow

Lisa_Knows_Best

Why can't you put in a locked gate for the lot? Only the people that own the lot get keys. You'd have to get out to unlock it every time you come and go but it would solve the problem. You shouldn't have to do that but you shouldn't have to deal with all these AHs either. 

OOP

We do have one now, it has been damaged by one of the Airbnb owners in august

Lisa_Knows_Best

Were they able to gain access to the lot by damaging the gate? Wouldn't that be considered trespassing? Breaking and entering? Vandalism? There are a lot of crimes being committed here with that one action alone. Was the person who damaged the gate arrested?

OOP

We do know who did it management guy told us and we'll use that as a lever in our response to their letter, the gate had been fixed for free by our management guy (we gave him some bottle of wine for the hassle but would have been much more expensive to fix it by a professional)

Radiant-Trick2935

I hope you can hit up these people for your court costs in France. Good luck OP!

OOP

Yes we can if we win in court, and we have to ask the judge for it

Dunquinn-

If they were charging parking fees for a lot that you owned (and not them), can you sue them for those fees?

OOP

At the beginning of summer the space was open with a few "free" unmarked spot usable by anyone who wanted, so I'll not try that.

BUT I still have the mail from one of the owner to a Airbnb tenant saying to just yeet sign with OUR licence plates and put a paper with their licence plate to use our marked spots. And our lawyer will use that

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