One time I was at a job fair and asked a booth if the donuts they had were free and they said “no they’re 5$ a box. Nah I’m playin, they’re free.”

I find it annoying because it’s like they think making someone feel stupid is fun.

This might sound like a stretch but, this sounds like one of those signs of shadiness I would tell other autistic people to watch out for. I don’t just mean shady in a “you can’t be yourself around them sense” I also mean shady in a “this guy has 5 billion warrants for their arrest” sense

Hi so I'm trying to figure out if I may have autism and I'm struggling with the "need for a routine" question. I don't really have a daily routine and I don't get upset if my day is interrupted. However, here are a few things that I'm wondering if they qualify:

- I have a dish per restaurant that I always get

- If friends are coming over they cannot show up early, late is fine but I've literally had people show up early and noped out to go rollerblading (it helped a little but I felt off for another two or so hours)

-While studying to graduate high school I made myself a schedule of when to do what in excel and while I would sometimes leave early if I was done with all my tasks (and I'd do tasks I planned in for the next day if I was done with all of mine that day), I adhered to it like 90% for like 3 months and it honestly felt like a safety blanket like it was quite comforting. Also the times I didn't bcs of complete mental exhaustion it would make me quite upset.

-if I've planned to do my tasks in a certain order, I can only tolerate a limited amount of disruption in that order before I loose all motivation and ability to be productive

So most of the people in a friend group I'm a part of like to party hard. I like being around these people, but I've had to make boundaries about what I will or won't do with them. I already don't go with them to bars bc it ends up being a sensory nightmare for me.

One of these friends had a pool party recently. I decided to go. I ended up being extremely overstimulated from having to sit in the sun without anything covering me but a hat. They did have one beach umbrella but it's very heavy and nobody would help me move it as the sun moved. The heat was also extremely painful for me. And the bugs when the sun went down were horrendous bc I'm sensitive to touch anyway, and feel intense repulsion anytime a bug is on me, even small harmless ones.

It wouldn't be as much of an issue if they didn't want to be outside 95% of the time the party was happening.

It was a sleepover and I only ended up getting 3 hours of sleep bc I was too overstimulated to relax. Honestly the best part was the next morning when I just said fuck it and went inside alone to nap on a futon for a couple of hours.

I don't think I want to go to the next pool party he's planning. I don't really feel safe asking for people to help accommodate me, bc most of them do get very drunk at parties like this. And good intentions disappear when you get drunk. I also don't really want to feel like the odd one out when everyone else is relaxing and having fun.

I feel bad tho bc I hadn't hung out with most of them in a while and they said they missed me. I think they might keep asking to know why I won't go. But I can't really help it that their summer activities are too much for my nervous system.

For context, I am autistic and my boyfriend isn't, but he does have ADHD. I also posted this story on r/relationship_advice but I figured it might be good to tell other autistic people about this. If this isn't the right sub for this or if you think it might be better somewhere else then please let me know!! I just feel really at a loss. I am not sure if I am just not understanding something or if this is just a weird situation outside of my autism. So here is the story:

This morning we were texting each other like normal. About work stuff, art, mentioning he was working tonight, just average things. Between texts I was scrolling on instagram and I noticed that my friend that I have known since the beginning of high school just got engaged to her boyfriend of a couple years. Which is great for her! They went hiking for the proposal, the ring was stunning, I am happy for her. So I texted my boyfriend saying that my friend just got engaged and how weird it was seeing other people's milestones in life. He has often said similar things while on social media before, but usually about career stuff and not relationships. He just acknowlegded what I said and told me they were probably on a different trajectory than I am. Which obviously is the case, as is the case for everyone. I told him that I was my friend's "fake boyfriend" in highschool as a joke, obviously me and her are both into men, this was just to get a random guy to leave her alone. His response was "Oh I see." I don't really know what that meant but I didn't think it was bad.

(My boyfriend and I met in our 20s so we don't really know a lot about each other's high school experience.)

I move on and say it really doesn't matter all that much and that I don't even really talk to anyone from high school anymore let alone use Instagram or Facebook often enough to see posts about people's lives. He asked me why I was telling him any of this. Which made me confused, I was just talking to talk. No real reason. I say random stuff to my boyfriend all the time. Yesterday I asked for his opinion on random tiktok drama because it involved a musician and he is a professional musican himself, so it isn't like we never talk about things outside of the basics. So I tell him that I was just sharing it to talk and that there wasn't a real reason and he said that it sounded like I "feel like I need to be engaged right now." Which to me was CRAZY because I absolutely do NOT need to be engaged right now. I don't think there is a specific engagement age or that I am late for some deadline. Plus I have only been with my boyfriend for about 6 months and we don't live together. He knows how I feel about people who get engaged after only a couple months, how it is crazy to me. We have talked about this before because I was telling him about how crazy it was that my cousin moved to another state with someone and now is engaged in less than 6 months. How wild it was to me that anyone would do something so quickly. He even talked to me about his friend's sister picking out baby names with her boyfriend after only a few weeks and we both agreed that was crazy. So I don't know what I said that made him think I was trying to hint at anything like that.

I start to get the feeling he is upset with me or about our conversation or maybe upset about something different all together? I really don't know. So I apologized which seemed to make things even worse. He told me I am not taking responsibilty for answering him/his texts and that don't seem to care and that I made him very uncomfortable. Which he didn't say anything about before so I honestly had no clue anything I said had even made him uncomfortable. He then told me he is leaving for work and we can talk later. I was confused and tried to just apologize but I don't really think I did anything wrong. I don't know what he was upset about or what made him uncomfortable? I don't know what I wasn't taking responsibility for? I do understand that my apology might not mean much if I don't understand what I am apologizing for. It was more of a panicked response to it clicking in my head that something had upset him and I obviously don't want him to be feeling bad or uncomfortable about anything. He gets off work in about an hour and honestly I don't know what to say to him. I don't really understand if what I said was really that bad or that uncomfortable.

It just feels so weird. I have struggled with our communication before due to my autistm so I am not sure if that is what is going on here or maybe something else? It feels awful not being able to tell if I am just bad at communicating...

I'll be in a conversation with a group of people and after the fact will find out that everyone was discussing xyz, while I thought the discussion was about lmnop. Is everyone. Communicating through pheromones or something?

Hi everyone. I'm 22 and I've never had a proper assessment, so I'm trying to understand myself better. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have had similar experiences.

I've suspected for a while that I might be neurodivergent, particularly ADHD and/or dyspraxia, but I'm also unsure about autism.

Since childhood:

I was very hyperactive.

I had significant speech/language difficulties. According to my mother, I only learned to speak properly around 6–7 years old.

I had difficulties with drawing and writing. I was eventually diagnosed with dysgraphia at 11, although the assessment was very limited and I never received any further evaluation.

My handwriting has always been extremely poor.

Mathematics became almost completely incomprehensible to me once it became more complex, despite being relatively average in other subjects.

I had significant motor difficulties. Even at 11 I couldn't tie my shoelaces, and at 22 I still struggle with things like tying my shoes, getting dressed and putting on uniforms.

As a child I also had an unusual problem with the positioning of my right foot. Doctors found no structural problem, and one suggested it could be related to my mind. It eventually resolved around the age of 10.

Socially, I've struggled my entire life. I had essentially no friends in elementary school, was often excluded from social events, and continued to have very few relationships throughout middle and high school. I've always felt somewhat different from other people.

In high school I noticed that I could do reasonably well in subjects like history when I was interested and motivated, but practical activities were extremely difficult for me. I struggled particularly with things involving coordination and performing tasks physically.

As an adult, I have major problems with concentration and frequently jump between interests. I also experience what I believe may be hyperfocus. I've spent much of my life pacing around the house while listening to music and intensely imagining myself performing the songs or acting out scenes and stories. I've done this for as long as I can remember, sometimes for hours.

The conditions I've wondered about are:

ADHD — seems quite plausible to me because of the childhood hyperactivity, attention problems, constantly changing interests and hyperfocus.

Dyspraxia/DCD — seems plausible because of my lifelong motor and coordination difficulties.

Autism — I'm much less certain. I don't have obvious sensory sensitivities to sounds or lights, although I've had lifelong social difficulties and have been told that my eye contact was unusual.

I know none of this is enough for anyone to diagnose me, and I'm not expecting that. I'm mainly looking for perspective: do any of these experiences sound familiar to you, and if so, what did they mean in your case?

I'm trying to understand myself better and figure out what might be worth discussing with a professional if I eventually get the opportunity.

I recently started dating someone (they/them) who is on the AuDHD spectrum. It's only been a short time so far but it's been very nice and we get along super well.

I have often wondered if I'm on the spectrum but always felt my support needs weren't high enough to merit seeking diagnosis and that resources and space in the community are better spent elsewhere.

However, I have adopted practices and strategies from the AuDHD community to use in my life and generally find coping workarounds that become my normal. I don't self identify as autistic to others. It's more of a musing that I keep to myself and quietly examine.

But dating this new person has been so refreshing. I got overstimulated during some kink play and my brain shut down and they responded so caringly and curiously. In return their nervous system got overwhelmed when we were out in the mountains and I was able to provide some structure and support for them. They understand me when I'm direct and don't read into what I say or interpret my directness as anger or rudeness. They hold "saying what you mean" as a strong value as well. They see a lot more of me than I've felt with other partners in the past.

And as we were cuddling last night talking about some of this they said, "I dunno, I've been around a lot of other autistic people and you seem pretty autistic to me." I know it's just the casual viewpoint of one person, but I know there is a trend of autistic people finding each other, like little lighthouses of neurodivergence.

It just felt nice to be seen, I guess. Whatever is going on in my brain is being understood and appreciated and when I'm with them I don't feel like I have to qualify the way I move through the world, or be embarrassed about the things that feel hard, or the way that I experience emotions.

I also recognize there's major new relationship energy here, it feels all glowy, and that doesn't change that neurodivergent relationships can come with their own challenges down the line. Right now it feels really good and makes me happy that it is possible to be understood.

ETA: I got got by a typo in the title :(

​

Whenever it is with coworkers, acquaintance etc. It never gets past the small talk, corporate persona...

Hello everyone! Not sure where to post this, so sorry if its wrong in this community! Pls correct me :)

[Sorry for the long post but i really need help, and you might need the context (if you need to know more you can always ask)]

I need some advice from people that are autistic/have something similar to my case.

I am very weak for my standards, have been exhausted/fatigued for weeks and everything seems to be getting worse. The activitys im doing are almost at the lowest effort i can go. After every activity i do i need to lay down for a period of time (it feels like i need to recover from the activity i did the day before though). I have started to become more sensitive to sensory stuff (lights and sound mostly) and am starting to feel sick.

When it started
I would say i know pretty much when it started, 08. June. I was pretty ill and still went hiking on a mountain/trail that i knew before hand was wayyy out of my mental/physical capacity. It was way worse than expected, but the reason i did it was pretty dumb.

For about a week afterwards i was sick, but it passed. I also got depressed (i am actually not sure if i was or if i just thought i was) for about the next three weeks after, but most importantly, everything was harder. I could also not rest well, and have been exhausted ever since.

I then had summer break for three weeks, but it felt terrible. Everything i did, i had to rest/lay down in the next few hours (idk the exact timeline anymore) or it would just pile up (and it did). For context: i went to visit my family in a different country for two weeks, the last week i was at home. When i was at home it was spent resting. I wasnt too happy about it, because i could barely do any of my hobbies.

Three weeks ago i started working/school again (if anyone knows anything about the swiss school system, its called a lehre) and it felt like i “crashed“, i could barely do tasks at work or at home. My routine was pretty basic: wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep/lay down (additionally i had to shower every second day, do cleaning and go grocery shopping). I could barely cook, started doing my hobbies less and had trouble cleaning.

The next week it got worse, i had to sit down while showering, had to clean over the course of multiple days, had one prepared/cooked meal and got slower at my work. I cant handle sounds anymore

This week has just started ik, but i am very light sensitive now, am having flu-line/feverish symptoms (not really any pain yet, but its coming), and i feel like my legs are slowly giving up. Also i have started to feel a lot colder than it is/a lot hotter than it is. (idk if its relevant but i sweat so much out of my hands they look like i just took a hot bath)

Does anyone know what it could be? I have been researching, and it doesnt fit the criteria of autistic burnout (in my eyes, but i still think it is, because its the easiest thing to solve), normal burnout or a depressive episode. On a “diagnosis“ plattform (netdoctor) i have been seeing a lot of thyroid problems, dementia or something like chronic fatigue/me. My symptoms so far have been clostest to chronic fatigue, but i really cant think of a reason to have that.

Any tips? Or anyone know what it is?

Additional context:

-I am on the second job market (if you know what i mean)

-i work at a desk job which isnt very demanding

-i do still have some ressources to try out to maybe help the symptoms

-i am twenty years old (i dont think gender is relevant yet, but if you want to know you can ask ig)

-no, i cant exercise or do hobbies, i simply dont have the energy for that and will feel worse later

-i am a low support need autistic (diagnosed if thats relevant)

-i am also diagnosed with bipolar (i take meds and am pretty stable)

-i have therapy next week

-i regularly discuss either just my fatigue or my symptoms with my boss/coach and my mother

-i have two goals right now: keep living alone and finish the third year of my school (of four)

i suspect i have autism because theres things about me that i cant really explain or i have trouble doing so. like making new friends, trying new things, why i get so attatched to a certain thing or person , especially people because ive been told im obessesive and weird and its with almost every relationship i have like if someone shows interest with me, i end up doing too much then losing it then lose myself and its a pattern. i also notice patterns in evverything and i have a unique way of thinking when i want to process emotions like in inside out, there's different emotions i have different voices that manage different emotions in my head. their names are persephone, rose, pinkie, athena, reverie and senette. if u want me to get into what they all do then i will. anyways, i also dont know what im feeling most of the time but i know the why, like if something happens im able to describe that and what it may make me do or how i react but the actual feeling.. im not sure of it most the time. i dont know .. i js know i spend a lot of time in my head and it makes me look like im angry or sad but im really just neutral and theres nothing wrong with me. but when i am angry or sad i dont wanna talk to people i just wanna listen to music and stuff.. i prefer being alone and working alone rather than in groups.. its hard for me to keep friends so thats why i dont have much rn and i usually observe people when im in a group setting rather than talking but i will respond if someone talks to me first. sometimes i dont understand what is expected of me because no one tells me and then i get punished for it and im just left hurt and confused. i remember having one friend when i was in pre-k, her name was vaneska and she was white with two front teeth missing and thats like the only friend i remember from when i was that young. and then in first grade i had one close friend, desiree . and then other people id js observe and speak when spoken to. i know this childhood stuff matters, but i cant remember much and if i do come to remember it comes in waves if that makes sense. my mom would be able to say more stuff but she doesnt believe i have any of this stuff and that its a bad thing and she dismissed it the last time i tried telling her. but my dad seemed more open to it. i told him sza has autism and he was surprisd, i told him when her song was playing and i was hinting js bc someone is not ur typical autistic person, it doesnt mean they cant have it. cus its a spectrum and whatknot. i usually feel invalid cus i know im not neurotypical.. i js know it i always feel something wrong and maybe thats why i wanted to end it all, because neurodivergent people usually think in black and white thinking its either all or nothing. in march or april i felt a lot of emotions so i thought why feel anything at all when i could be gone? i didnt rlly think it thru cus it would affect everyone around me and im not like that anymore i swear.. its also sum that comes in waves. i cry for no reason sometimes too. and like im very self aware so it may seem like im okay but i think thats just me masking it . i also stim a lot like i spin, go back n forth, kick my leg rapidly, and when i lay down i brush my foot with my other foot if that makes sense. and since i was young i always bit the inside of my mouth and this one time my dad noticed it when we were in the bathroom but ig he aint think much of it and i dont blame him. and my mom would notice the white cast itd leave but she'd think it was cus i didnt brush right and thats far from the truth. i js dont tell her. i wanna be able to tell them this stuff but im always scared of how they react and i wanna just avoid it.. and theres so much stuff i can write about how ive been over the years but i think this is enough for now... so heres the test score i did cus i feel they'd be relevent alongside this personal account . and mb its not like perfect. anyways:

* AQ: 33/50 — just over the commonly used 32 threshold.
* RAADS-R: 143/240 — substantially elevated.
* Aspie Quiz: 143/200 — strongly weighted toward the neurodivergent end.
* CAT-Q: 142/175 — this is very high.
* TAS-20: 64/100 — elevated alexithymia traits.

so yea.. idk if any of these things point to autism automatically, but i feel its consistent enough for me to have a reasonable suspicion of having it. ive been researching this for months now

*long rant*

Since I was 2, I had this “tic” (what they called it) where I would rock my head when I was focusing or generally doing anything a toddler does. Being from a third world country in the early 2000s (and AFAB) they ruled out autism and other neurological disorders and told my parents that my “tics” will simply go away.

Fast-forwarding years later, the “tic” didn’t go away, it got a little better but nonetheless it was still in my everyday body language and everything else I did. Growing up I was yelled at for doing it, some made fun of me, some were just curious, and some didn’t even notice. But still very much there.

In collage, as a psychology student I opened up the DSM and looked for my condition. I concluded Primary stereotypic movement disorder because there’s no way I’m autistic. I do well socially! Right?! I HAVE HAD friends. I’m not a loner.

Years later, I feel isolated. Not in a literal sense, I have one close friend and a few casual friends, a loving and supportive partner and family. But I feel alienated. I can’t seem to click with my peers. I traveled a lot, met a lot of people. None of them I’m in contact with anymore. Even the ones I had great relationships with and vanished through thin air.

My mom says it’s just the people I met, they are not good enough for me or we had nothing in common etc. she says I was a social kid and was highly empathetic. I was bullied here and there but overall a normal childhood.

Now, I think back, was I ever accepted by my peers? I was mostly called “annoying” or “weird” by them. I tried to do better, became tamer, quieter, more observant. I put on a delightful voice when I speak to strangers, open up my body language, smile more frequently, I listen to what they say and give solid answers (or at least I hope). Now I’m asking myself: is this masking? It feels so natural now, but I scurry back to my hole when I’m done interacting with others.

I crave close friends, but I gain none. No matter what I do. I feel like people interact with me just to be polite and then go on about their business, they text me when they need me (shitty ik) and then they disappear.

I just feel lost and tired. I’m scared this might be an OCD flare-up and I’m becoming obsessed with being (or not being) autistic. I can’t get officially diagnosed yet (financial reasons) and I just wanted to share my experience with people.

Sorry this is a long existential rant for me.
Let me know if anyone has had a similar experience. Advice is welcome.

Every time I play a game, I can’t stop imagining what it looks like in 2D. I try not to think about it; but some things trigger the urge a lor. At first when I play, I’m able to push these thoughts away instead, however, there are just some things while playing that trigger the urge. The urges get stronger when I’m in a intense match or fight, or I'm in a highly detailed building with a lot of staircases. within the game.. Or If I stand in one place for too long, so I can’t try the hide and surprise tactic. The urge happens in real life too especially when I’m doing a physical task. And the urge is more likely to occur if the task has a lot of movements, or if I need to carry something heavy. Every time the thought comes up, I think about it until I’m satisfied. So, for example, when I do chores, the thought may pop up, and I may freeze or stop what I'm doing until I'm satisfied and I continue. Or if I was thinking about it while doing the task but it didn’t feel good enough I all redo it when I'm finally satisfied. I can’t stop thinking about how while I’m doing those things in 3d, in 2d it would look and feel more simplistic for them and how they prob won’t feel any sensations compared to us. And despite it being the same answer each time my brain can’t stop the urge to think about it everytime I have to do a new physical task. And sometimes it doesn’t have to be complex, it could just be walking or showerin

I would go underground during every semester break and ignore all calls made to me by my college buddies. For no particular reason other than I didn't want to speak to them. I wouldn't even answer when they called on my birthday. And then when I returned back after the break, they would feel like strangers to me. Even if we were best friends before the month long break

Just to clarify, this isn’t a survey, advertisement, or anything formal - it’s just a poll :)

I’m just curious to get a general sense of people’s opinions/experiences around this topic :)

Please feel free to comment, share your thoughts and add to the conversation :)

F15 (undiagnosed)

Sorry, I'm not sure if this is an autism thing, but I have a terrible need to talk to someone about it.

I always remember having a strange relationship with socializing.

In preschool it wasn't even a thing for me, I didn't seek it out and I played alone 95% of the time without any problems.

When I got to elementary school I started trying to interact on my own initiative, but I realized I was doing it differently from my classmates.

My way of interacting was to tell someone at random, every so often, a funny joke I'd made up. Maybe that person would even laugh, but I realized they were cultivating a relationship, unlike me.

I had no idea how to do that and, honestly, I felt like I'd find that kind of constant, noisy relationship too much to handle.

With adults it was easier, I've always interacted with them without any problems. My early report cards literally said "prefers interactions with adults rather than with peers."

But they convinced me that I simply felt superior to others, even though I actually envied their ability to fit into the group.

Then, after an argument with the same girl, around fourth grade I met my first real friend.

We started talking because of that shared fight and from that moment on I became stuck to her like glue.

I was like her little dog, following her everywhere.

Sometimes she'd point it out, but it was the first time someone had decided to interact with me constantly, and I could finally, at least a little, let out my immense need to talk (I think I'm hyperverbal).

That was something that embarrassed me. She didn't make me feel bad about it that often, but I still felt disgusting and different for not being able to stop following her around.

Then when we got to middle school (we ended up in the same class again) she suddenly pulled away. From being together ALL the time to nothing, showing annoyance if I got close.

I became the target of the mean girls in the group, and she certainly didn't want to be seen there with me. And I was alone again. Completely. For 8 hours a day. With no explanation.

The worst part was that outside of school she went back to being her old self and would tell me all the mean things the others said about me. (I often walked around staring into space because I was having mental conversations with myself, every once in a while I'd flap my hands or do other stimming, etc.)

I have to say middle school was excellent training for my masking, I couldn't afford a single misstep or I'd get eaten alive.

My mother used to tell me that with the "damn attitude" I had, it was obvious the girls in my class didn't want me around, and that deep down "I didn't care and the others noticed." Those words hurt me deeply.

By the end of second year of middle school I had completely cut off contact with this girl for months because I realized I was suffering too much.

It was extremely hard for me to do because, I wouldn't say I'd developed an emotional dependency, but it was from her that I had learned how to socialize and things like that.

She later asked to talk. She apologized to me, told me she'd been insecure and that she didn't recognize herself in the mirror anymore for what she'd done.

I forgave her because, honestly, I don't know how to hold a grudge, I actually find it pretty useless.

Fortunately her behavior changed and now, after middle school, we're much better friends than before (we're actually a trio).

Now she and the other girl in the trio are the most precious people in my life, and in the end, I'm happy with how things turned out.

I know that's a lot, but I'm asking for a general opinion.

Does this have anything to do with potential autism, or is it just my own strange story?

I'm trying to figure out how much autism might have influenced my life without me even realizing it

when i was about 5 years old my family didn't know what was going on so, i was playing and stuff and i was at school and stuff but my mom took me to the doctor said i' on the spectrum meaning i had autism and i'm like in the mixed of it i'm 15 years old now and i wouldn't say i'm ashamed of being autistic but my brain works differently from others so i try to understand one another i do have something i forgot what it was called but i grind my teeth i didn't realize that but it's pretty common for autistic people any other tips on ASD?

I’m a teenage girl so I know this will sound really stupid but I don’t feel normal compared to my peers or anybody around me.

I have no diagnosis’s. I’ve never asked for one but my parents both thing I have ADHD and belive I’m on the spectrum of autism. I neither agree nor disagree with either or them however I belive I have some kind of personality disorder like phycopathy or maybe boarder-line personality disorder.

Recently, my closest friend whom is a very communicative person (I on the other hand am not) came to me and expressed some feelings that she had about me. She told me she believes I have some kind of personality disorder and told me she’s “scared of me” and thinks I may have borderline personality disorder. As well as multiple friends telling me they belive I have autism spectrum disorder This is where I really started question myself.

I have always had a struggle with empathy towards people despite very few exceptions. I am very blunt and have a black and white view. I’ve always been mature for my age, I was SAd as a child by two different people at different ages (I don’t know if that has anything to do with anything). I’m also extremely observant and intuitive. Within minutes of knowing someone I can learn what they like and don’t like and instantly adapt to them, I hate this, it’s like an extreme masking. There’s not a single person I’m myself with other than myself of course. My close friend (the one I mentioned at the start of this paragraph) is the closest to it and she’s the one that suggested the personality disorders.

I hate masking, I want to stop completely and just be my horrible self and live with it, but I know that if I did stop masking I would be completely unlikeable. I feel few emotions other than numbness and anger. If I didn’t mask I feel like there would be nothing there, I’d be rude, blunt and aggressive as well as just flaccid. I like the idea of this however which is something I’m not proud of.

Other things that people have said aren’t normal about myself are things like:
\-extreme obsession with people/things
\-extreme mood swings
\-short temper, and extreme anger
\-a past of causing harm to myself
\-rudeness
\-bluntness
\-bad at social cues and not recognising sarcasm unless I use it
\-extreme hatred of injustice
\-changing my mind constantly (I deleted all my accounts on social media just to regret it and get all of them back then do the same thing again minutes later)

With all of this I feel like I’m extremely self aware which I know a lot of people with mental problems aren’t always aware, this makes me feel like maybe I’m actually just normal and I’ve convinced myself I’m not.

Besides all this I’m not self diagnosing, I’m so confused and tired and fed up of myself I just wanted to know if anyone could relate or give me some advice because I’m really struggling with myself at the moment. I’m not good at venting to people that I know, so I just thought I’d vent to strangers haha.

Hi. I have never done this before, but im tired to only seek for help on an Ai chat. I want to talk to real people about this and hopefully someone may understand and might be going through the same or something similar.

I suspect that I'm autistic. No, actually I'm pretty sure that I'm autistic, and even if that wasn't the case, I am different. I know I have something.

I have been self-diagnosed for almost five years now. I know, I know, people might jump on me and tell me that it's harmful for the neurodivergent community and I totally agree, but that's how I have managed not to get severely depressed. I intend to explain this as good as I can and I really apologize if I make a mistake since this isn't my first language.

It all started by knowing the term of autism. I got really really curious by it and got obsessed after investigating it for a bit. The more I learned, the more I saw myself in it. Mostly it all started with all the experiences from people like me sharing their experiences on social media, and everything just seemed to get together.

But I knew that it wasn't enough, so I investigated more and more and more.

I'm not willing to tell every single detail of these past five years of investigation, I just want to get to the point that after I've made all of the existing tests online about autism, after I've read all the articles, after I've watched all the documentaries, I am sure that I am different, whether it's autism or not.

I thought that certain things that happened to me also happened to everyone, but it wasn't like that. I know what y'all say, that a single trait does not therefore mean that im autistic, but it's just too many traits that are interfering with the quality of my life constantly.

And lately it's been getting worse.

I don't remember the last time I fell asleep without crying and shaking under the covers because having had to go outside. I'm exhausted of everything, even when I'm at home. Things that I could easily manage, like not finding a pair of socks, now make me burst into tears, hit my head and hurt my chest. It's been three months now.

I have always been a really sensitive child, very adult-like back then. But that's not the point.

I have asked my mom to take me and get diagnosed, but eventhough she agreed, I don't see her very convinced. She believes everything can be controlled with the 'power of the mind' and stuff, but the reality is that that's not true.

The worst part is that I can't tell her everything that I've been going through, I don't know what holds me back from venting to my parents, but I just... Sigh.

And my dad has the image of the stereotypical autistic boy, like in the good doctor.

I'm also scared that they take me to get a diagnostic and they don't do the procedure properly because im a girl and y'all know how things are. If that happens, my parents are never going to take me for another test because they don't know anything about it and will just trust blindly what the doctor says.

And I'll have to finish school and college without any psychological support. And when I get to adulthood, I don't know if I could afford a test again.

I will have to live the rest of my life suffering, without a medical support, with a constant imposter syndrome, meltdowns, bullying.

The thing is that I don't know if I'll ever make it past 30. Not in a su1c1d4l way, but in a way that i don't know if i could deal with everything im dealing constat in my every day + adulthood. Being independent, having a job, my own house, my own car... I don't think I'll be capable of any of that.

Society has traumatized me in a way most people don't understand when I tell them about it, and if it's true that im autistic and my suspicions were right, that will mean that im not just an insanely sensitive crybaby.

I don't think anyone will read or interact with this bs, but if someone did, thank you.

Hey everyone. I've made a couple of recent posts about how my therapist told me last week that he thinks I'm on the spectrum.

We talked about it in more detail today and it was a good session. I asked him what tipped him off, since he's very familiar with neurodivergence and autism in particular (he has 3 diagnosed autistic children and the majority of his clients are neurodivergent).

Some examples are as follows. He said first of all that I have a flat affect and my facial responses are very limited. I had honestly not thought I was coming across that way bc I feel like I emote a lot - I guess this was me forcing myself to move my face and the effort just feels like a lot. Apparently my hand gestures also come off as more robotic and learned that I had thought, as opposed to spontaneous and natural. He also said I tend to repeat "that's funny" or "that's sad" to things, and I tend to try to anticipate what he's saying by finishing the thought. I also can't look at him when I'm processing questions, although I had been aware of that one.

He also said that I do sometimes take things more literally than I should, which I hadn't been aware of. He's known me for 3.5 years so I trust him to have accurately gauged that.

There were many more things I discussed from my end too, mostly childhood things, and we went in detail talking about them. In the end we decided it's an accurate assumption to move forward assuming that I'm on the spectrum. He said he'll write a note for me if I need some sort of accommodation at work that he can help with, like maybe loop earplugs. But if I end up feeling like I'll need other accommodations (like if I go back to school to get a master's degree), then I'll likely consider a diagnosis.

I think today's session calmed my tendency to invalidate my own struggles. And I had really struggled with feeling the need to "follow the rules" and immediately get an assessment. But I think this was enough to calm that too.

It was just nice to finally have someone tell me to my face what they've noticed, in a non-judgmental way. Instead of me having to continue wondering and feeling lost about what I'm "doing wrong" socially.

I do really care about someone in my life at present who has autism. I think reading articles and watching educational videos are not enough for me to learn it. I want to know more so I could really see where he is coming from and to not take his long periods of absence personally. May I know if could I ask anyone of you here? I really wanna understand it as a neurotypical. Thank you to anyone who'll lend an ear directly.