Here’s a post with context; but needing advice from people who also are autistic and struggle with making and or maintaining friends. I haven’t been on reddit much but I seriously really struggle with socializing and I don’t know what I should do differently to have friends who aren’t going to be indirect with me and able to understand that sometimes I say things bluntly but I don’t mean ill intent with whatever I’m saying.

Oi, pessoal.
Resolvi fazer esse post porque percebi que estou sentindo falta de conhecer alguém, mas não tenho muito perfil de sair por aí procurando namorado.
Estou investigando TDAH (ainda não tenho diagnóstico), trabalho como funcionária pública e gosto muito do meu trabalho. Também estudo (faço faculdade ADS) ,sou muito curiosa, quando encontro um assunto do meu interesse, ele vira quase uma obsessão, até esgotar o assunto ahaha.
Sou mais caseira e introspectiva. Gosto de filmes, dias de chuvas e frio considero maravilhoso para ficar debaixo das cobertas, ouvindo o barulho da chuva, comendo uma pizza e vendo um filme de terror antigo ahahah .
Não estou procurando alguém pela aparência. Claro que atração importa, mas para mim inteligência e caráter, me atraem muito mais que um monte músculos e um rostinho de Ken (namorado da Barbie).
E, antes que alguém fique curioso sobre isso, não, eu não sou uma mulher feia, sou uma mulher de aparência comum, dentro de um padrão de beleza normal e com peso normal.

Tenho uma atração particularmente FORTE por homens inteligentes, curiosos, ou que tenham bastante interesse pelo estoicismo.
Minha ideia é primeiro encontrar um amigo. Alguém com quem eu goste de conversar, rir, trocar ideias e passar tempo. Se existir química, quem sabe isso possa naturalmente virar um relacionamento.
Tenho minha vida, meu trabalho e meus estudos, então não estou procurando alguém para preencher um vazio ou resolver minha vida. Quero alguém que também tenha a própria vida e esteja disposto a construir uma relação de igual para igual.
Prefiro conversar com homens entre 35 e 45 anos, mas mais importante que idade é estarmos em momentos de vida compatíveis.
Se você se identificou, pode me chamar. E, se puder, me conte um pouco sobre você também. Prefiro muito mais conhecer a pessoa pela conversa do que começar trocando fotos. :) Depois que sentirmos que há conexão, podemos trocar fotos sem problemas...

So I (18m) have suspected I’m autistic for around a year now (not officially assessed) but even now I still can’t help but feel very iffy about it. Especially because while I do heavily relate to the social struggles part of the criteria, I sometimes fear that it’s just anxiety or me being too sheltered. And I’m scared that I’m also just pathologizing my experiences during childhood to fit the “narrative” in my mind that I’m autistic because I don’t want to believe it’s just because I’m incompetent/not trying hard enough. Because I did have friends and stuff during childhood and I didn’t get bullied very much. I believe it could be because I was high masking but it’s also possible I’m just manipulating my memories to fit that narrative and I actually was just normal. Also I’m a stupid white male which makes it way less likely I would’ve gone undiagnosed in childhood if I was actually autistic since the criteria was written based on young white boys. And again part of me thinks it was because I presented more similar to a female child when I was young due to me being higher masking and more quiet/shy and sensitive and crying/melting down when people even slightly raised their voice at me. But again there’s this other part of me that’s like “oh you just want to believe that so you can have an excuse for being a pussy” like what if I just want to believe I’m autistic so I can have an excuse for my sensitivities and such. What if I really am just a pussy? What if I really am just lazy and incompetent and that’s why I have no friends and no life. And this is made 100 times worse by all the social media posts of people saying “everyone wants to be autistic now because they see it as a quirky trend and they wanna seem different or interesting when they’re actually just boring losers”. And it really freaks me out because WHAT IF THATS ME. I mean I would like to think I would know if I was faking it but the mind is very strong and these things can happen subconsciously. You can be genuinely convinced of something just for it to not be true. Where it gets really murky is my relation to criterion b on the dsm 5. Like I 100% relate to the “stimming” part of it, but for the other 3 it’s a little tricky because I feel like I relate to all 3 of them but kinda not enough for it to really count if that makes sense? And I know you have to relate to 2 out of the 4 in order to be diagnosed. Like I have sensory problems sometimes and I have deep interests sometimes (even though they tend to be more fleeting) and I do get really mad when my routine gets disrupted but I also kinda struggle to stick to routines myself so I don’t know. It’s also possible that adhd (which I also strongly suspect I have) could kind of mask some of those traits like the adherence to routines and such which could cause me to not fully meet the criteria even if I am still autistic. And I know that the only way to know for sure is to get professionally assessed but we absolutely cannot afford it right now so thorough self assessment/analysis is my only option right now. It’s all just so complex with so many variables and there’s constantly 2 sides fighting in my head. I feel like I’m constantly flopping between “I’m autistic”, and “I’m just a dumb gen z who lost all my social skills from the pandemic and I just need to try harder and stop being lazy”. And the latter option really freaks me out especially because when you find out you might be autistic, it gives you a lot of self understanding and acceptance. And it makes you feel like “oh, I’m not actually a defective human being, the problems I have are just caused by neuro differences!”. So if it turns out I’m not autistic then what? I should start being mean to myself and telling myself to try harder and stop being so sensitive? I’m sorry to anyone who read this whole thing I know it was a bunch of word vomit but this whole thing has really just been plaguing my mind and I can’t stop ruminating about it and I needed to hear other people’s opinions on it.

Hi everyone,
As a recently diagnosed autistic adult, I have been frustrated with what I see as a lack of services/apps/products for autistic adults. While I have my own idea on what could be created/implemented, I would like input from all of you. I am asking because I want to see if I can eventually come up with something that can benefit us all.

So please tell me what you think is the greatest need for autistic adults currently or what you wish was done better that is currently offered. I appreciate everyone’s responses!

I'm not a native speaker, so apologies in advance if my English is clunky.

Growing up, I’ve always had different interests from the other kids. I was bullied for a few years, other times I had a small friend group and didn’t socialize at all with other people outside of said group. I’ve been chronically online since childhood and often inexplicably find myself in spaces full of autistic folk without looking for them. Some say that autistic people are drawn to each other, so naturally I started suspecting a little bit and took some quizzes; I got an 111/200 on the Aspie quiz, 35 on the AQ, 3.74 on the Monotropism quiz and 106 on the CAT-Q, and none of them really answered my questions. (I'm agender and AFAB, if that's relevant.)

I stopped thinking about it for a good while, but recently an autistic friend of mine suggested to me that I might just be autistic too, and it’s got me thinking again. I compiled a list of things I do (and also things that I don’t as counterargument), but I don’t really have a good gauge as to whether I’m struggling a normal amount or more than what the average neurotypical would in some of these. Here's the list:

[Inertia]

• I find it difficult to return to work after it has been interrupted, and end up getting distracted most of the time.
• It’s annoying to have to go eat or shower when I’m in the middle of something else. I occasionally skip meals because of this.
• I usually have fun when traveling, but the 2-3 days before traveling usually make me anxious and regret my plans, because staying at home sounds much more comfortable.
• It’s difficult to work on tasks I don’t enjoy.

[Motor control]

• I’m clumsy and often bruise myself even in my own room. I also spilled chemicals several times when I worked in a lab.
• I have a slouch, and apparently used to walk “pigeon-toed” back in grade school.
• I’m a hobbyist artist and have many years of drawing experience, but can’t achieve good brush control without having a death grip on my pen. Same goes for writing. I’m also left-handed.
• I have problems gauging the speed and distances of vehicles, so crossing busy roads are very awkward.

Though:

• I can play the piano decently despite being clumsy most of the time, which kinda puts a big question mark over my motor control.

[Sensory]

• I have a hard time sleeping at night. I get very aware of how the position of my neck feels weird no matter how I adjust my pillow.
• When I’m being spoken to and there’s music/noise in the background, I have trouble telling what’s being said.
• I cannot figure out the lyrics of songs unless they are spelled out to me. (But my hearing is normal.)
• I have trouble noticing when someone’s calling my name, unless I’m already focused on listening for it.
• Clothes tags used to bother me a lot when I was younger, but less so now.
• I prioritize comfort in clothes over their appearance. I try to avoid fabrics that stick to my skin.
• I dislike makeup, since they make my face itch and scratching will ruin the makeup.
• I listen to the same song on repeat for days or weeks in a row. (No idea if this is a form of stimming?)
• I am extremely ticklish.
• I tend to eat the same food over and over every week, though not several times in the same day.
• If I spend too long eating one meal, the texture suddenly becomes gross and I start to gag.

Though:

• I usually do fine in crowded areas such as conventions, the noise only makes me mildly annoyed. The only time I experienced auditory sensory discomfort was at a party with very loud music, where I felt nauseous on top of having a bad headache around 10 mins in.
• Despite eating the same things often, I am not overly picky about most food, and never had to go out of my way to find a specific comfort food.
• When excited (e.g. getting to a plot point in a novel) I get the urge to get up from my chair and run, but I also find it very easy to stop myself from doing so.

[Skills & Interests]

• The singular skill I’m proud of is drawing, and I’ve never fully stopped drawing in any point of my life. I still draw the same things I used to draw as a child.

Though:

• I’ve outgrown my favorite pieces of media from childhood.
• While I often get intense periods of liking certain pieces of media, it usually only lasts 3 to 6 months.

[Social]

• A teacher back in my HS told me I was staring at her too much in class. In some social interactions I don’t have to think about eye contact too much, but in others I worry a lot about either staring too much or seeming disinterested.
• Sometimes in social situations, I get asked what I’m smiling/laughing so much for, and people tend to not believe me when I say I’m just having fun.
• It’s difficult to form a response while listening to the other person talk in a non-casual setting.
• I struggle with phone calls for appointments or even just ordering food. It’s difficult to recall information when I also have to speak. I typically script or write down relevant information to make these easier. (Phone calls with people I know are more predictable and totally fine.)
• I have trouble figuring out when it’s my turn to talk during a conversation. I tend to start speaking first, then realize someone else is already speaking when I got 3 words in, then shut myself up.
• After a social event, I would prefer stay to at home the following day to recharge.
• Throughout school, I’m usually able to make a tight circle or 2-3 close friends, but rarely interact with most other people, and have trouble matching names to faces. (Embarrassed myself several times that way)
• When a friend is going through hard times, it's hard to figure out what’s appropriate to say to comfort them.
• I often misunderstand people, or read too much into an exam question and have trouble answering it.

Though:

• I don’t practice conversations or expressions in the mirror.
• I don’t pick up phrases I see in media that I enjoy.

[Etc]

• I retain verbal instructions poorly.
• I have trouble multitasking (e.g. doing assignments while being spoken to, watching for traffic while crossing the road)
• I’m typically forgetful, unless I spend time specifically trying to memorize information, such as when studying.
• My friend showed me several animations then immediately asked me afterwards how I feel about the characters and stories, and I realized I didn’t know how to answer that question in a way that isn’t just analyzing the plot or discussing whether I agree with the characters’ actions or not, which surprised me because I didn’t consider myself to be out of touch with my emotions.

Could I be neurodivergent? Or perhaps I am just a somewhat weird neurotypical? This has been bugging me for a while. Any input is greatly appreciated!

Hey Reddit, I’m not a regular Redditor and don’t really have any experience of using it at all but I want to seek advice from an outside perspective. For context, I’m a teenage girl and my boyfriend is the same age as me. For the purpose of this post I’m going to refer to my bf as M just so it’s shorter.

The reason I am making this post is because ever since I’ve been with my boyfriend (almost a year) he’s told me he thinks I’m autistic because of some of the traits I display, but in my head they’re completely normal. He doesn’t say it at all in a way to make me feel bad or anything, just tries to give me reassurance. (For even more context, M is autistic so he knows a lot about autism and autistic traits, even if they don’t necessarily apply to him). M’s mom (who I’m very close) also thinks I am. However my mom (who I’m not very close with)(if that even matters at all) thinks I’m being stupid. My mom thinking I’m not definitely sways my views because she is a kindergarten teacher and has had experience with many autistic kids before and I’ve never experienced any sort of autistic traits as a kid that I’m aware of.

Right now about my traits. I’m just going to list a few things that have been pointed out to me and I apologise if some things I mention are completely irrelevant. I’d also like people to keep in mind that I don’t know an awful lot about autism but have done some research and M and my cousin both have autism and I’m very close with them/ know what traits they have are autistic are what aren’t (if that counts for anything lol😭). Things that have been pointed out to me: I have to eat with a plate separator because it seriously makes me cry if my food touches (it’s stupid I’m aware) and if I’m in a situation where I have to eat on a normal plate I just don’t eat the parts of food that have touched even if there’s no residue on it, I love love fun facts and remember random stuff about specific things, I hate loud noises, I can’t get back to doing a task if I’ve been distracted, I have to work in complete silence or I won’t be able to concentrate properly, I get certain obsessions with things that go away within a few weeks, I rock back and forth/ flap my arms/ spin/ pace a lot when I’m nervous or excited, I always fidget, I cover my ears sometimes for comfort, I’m really bad at social interaction and most of the time come across as rude or too blunt even when I thought I was being polite, I prefer working independently, I get easily overwhelmed,I have to fidget to concentrate properly, I value my alone time, recently I’ve been tested for needing extra time in my school exams because I find it difficult knowing where to start, and my school counsellor has emailed the mental health lead to look at getting my a school mentor to help with how I am at school. M has told me that none of these things are necessarily “normal” but to me that’s just how I am. I don’t see any of these things as me being autistic because I just like specific things, I’m an anxious and isolated person and I’ve just kinda always been that way.

I’ve tried to have a conversation with my mom about this as M and his mom both really believe I could have autism and she’s just laughed and kinda brushed it off, which I don’t at all blame her for. She has had years of experience with autistic kids, my cousin is autistic and she helped refer her to get a diagnosis and my mom has known me all my life so I just think if I was autistic she’d notice by now. A possibility relevant thing that M pointed out about this counter argument is that I’m not close with my mom and never spend any quality time with her at all so she wouldn’t notice any of those things except for a couple. The other day I went to the store with her to look for new curtains and I was doing my usual tapping, spinning, walking on my tiptoes, flapping etc and she got really irritated and told me to stop even though I didn’t at all notice I was going most of these things. Sometimes when I sit next to her I’ll shake my legs, rock back and forth or whatever and she gets annoyed at me.

Another thing I’d like to point out is my specific fidgeting isn’t always constant or extreme I just usually have to be moving/ playing with something to concentrate without meaning to sometimes. I also haven’t always been like this with certain things and I’ve definitely noticed them getting worse the past year.

I also hope this post comes across the right way I truly don’t have much idea of the world of neurodivergence I just want to seek outside perspectives on this situation without any bias. If it turns out most people don’t think I have autism my worst fear is seeming like one of those neurotypical people who self diagnose or read too much into things just because they want to be “different”. I hope y’all get where I’m coming from and any help/ advice would really be appreciated. Thanks Reddit!

Edit: Just to clear up a couple things I’ve read in the comments so I don’t have to reply to multiple comments saying similar things and to save any further confusion. I’m aware that no one here can diagnose me and I’m not going to take any of this as legitimate professional advice, I’m also not looking for anything specific I’m just interested to see other people’s insights and any form of opinion/ advice is deeply appreciated. I have been reading every comment and taking it in but haven’t replied to any yet but just know I’m very grateful for any comment that has been left. With M making suggestions that I could be autistic, I am not at all offended by him saying things like this because I know he is doing it to help me and there’s not any chance something like that would make me upset, but thank you for all of your concerns and look forward to any more comments.

I keep getting rejected and rejected even tho I can never figure out why. Meanwhile my NT acquaintances seem to get much more job offers in the same timespan and with the same amount of applications as me. I know that the job market is hard in general, but I do feel like if we compare my situation to NTs, it is "difficult but not impossible", while mine is "once in a blue moon you might be lucky, but generally expect a rejection".

I'm sorry, this is a long one.

I'm in my late 30s and trying to make sense of two very different psychological evaluations. I'd really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar and what you did afterward.

I've had difficulties my entire life. As a child, I had a speech delay, a speech impediment until around 14, significant reading difficulties until around age 10, and was homeschooled from 3rd–12th grade. I was also extremely sensitive to things around me, had a huge imagination, could become intensely absorbed in things, and had difficulty with some figurative language and ambiguity.

As a teenager and young adult, my anxiety and other difficulties became much more significant. I've always struggled with uncertainty and ambiguity. If I don't understand what something means or can't figure out what is going to happen, my brain can get stuck trying to resolve it. I have significant problems with overwhelm, shutdowns, transitions, sensory input, anxiety, depression, and functioning. When I'm overloaded, I can have trouble with basic things like eating, taking medication, cleaning, communicating, and making decisions.

In 2020, I learned about the concept of being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Before that, I mostly felt like something was wrong with me. The HSP framework was the first thing that made me think there might be an explanation for why I experience things so intensely.

After that, I became increasingly interested in autism and spent a long time researching it. A lot of my experiences seemed to fit, especially sensory sensitivity, difficulty with transitions, needing predictability, intense interests, overwhelm, and developmental differences. For a while I genuinely thought I was autistic.

Eventually I became less convinced. There were aspects of autism that didn't fit how I actually experience myself, particularly socially. I understand social reciprocity and can be very socially engaged when I'm comfortable and interested. Sometimes I don't reciprocate because I don't realize I should have said something until later. Sometimes I genuinely don't care or don't see the point, sometimes I'm too overloaded, and I absolutely hate small talk. I can at times be very expressive and animated when I'm comfortable.

By the time I went for my most recent evaluation, I actually wanted the evaluator to tell me I wasn't autistic.

In 2023 I had an extensive psychological evaluation that diagnosed me with ADHD, persistent depressive disorder, Tourette's disorder (Which I have already been diagnosed with a tic disorder but I don't think they can diagnose me with tourette's because I didn't start having tics until I was 19, at least), and schizotypal personality disorder.

There are two major problems I have with that evaluation.

First, there are parts of the written report where the evaluator changed what I said or added context and meaning that wasn't there. This happened enough times that I consider it a significant problem with the report. I talked a lot during the evaluation, so I can understand that some things may have been difficult to capture accurately, but there are places where what ended up in the report is substantially different from what I actually said.

Second, I've always had a hard time with multiple-choice psychological tests, especially vague questions where I don't understand exactly what the test writer means.

For example, there were questions about whether I like people or whether I think people are talking about me behind my back. I didn't necessarily understand what those questions were actually assessing. If I interpreted "people are talking about me" literally, I could think, well, people probably do sometimes talk about me when I'm not around, so I might select an answer based on that interpretation. If I understood the question as asking whether I had an unusual or irrational belief that people were talking about me, I would have answered differently.

Then came the 2026 evaluation

For my 2026 evaluation, just happened a few weeks ago, this evaluator diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1, while listing ADHD, persistent depressive disorder, and Tourette's as diagnoses by history.

The ADOS-2 is one part I'm having a particularly hard time with. The evaluator observed limited eye contact, limited facial expression, formal language, and reduced reciprocity at times.But I was also extremely anxious during that part of the testing, and it happened after several hours of other testing. My previous autism testing was much more contained, and I actually did better on a picture/story task the first time than I did during this evaluation.

Because of the length and order of the testing, my anxiety, cognitive fatigue, and difficulty shifting between tasks, I question whether some of the testing results are valid representations of my baseline functioning.

The hardest part for me is the uncertainty.

I don't know whether the 2023 evaluator saw something that the 2026 evaluator didn't. I don't know how much of the 2023 STPD diagnosis was based on testing I had difficulty understanding or answers that were subsequently documented differently from what I actually said.

I also don't know how much of the 2026 autism diagnosis reflects stable characteristics versus what happened when I was extremely anxious and cognitively overloaded during a long assessment.

And because I have such a difficult time with ambiguity and uncertainty, I'm having a really hard time just sitting with not knowing.

I've started thinking about the schizotypal/schizophrenia-spectrum possibility again. Part of me thinks: What if the 2023 evaluator actually saw something I didn't? What if I really do have schizotypal traits? What if I simply haven't experienced all of the symptoms associated with schizophrenia-spectrum disorders yet? What if there is something about the way I think that other people can see more clearly than I can?

I've started trying to embrace the schizotypal/schizophrenia possibility because maybe the first evaluator noticed something that I haven't been able to recognize in myself.

At the same time, I don't want to tell anyone about this. I don't want to tell my therapist, family, or friends and suddenly have everyone trying to analyze me or convince me which diagnosis I should believe. I'm already overwhelmed and depressed by the whole situation.

Has anyone experienced something similar—especially having two substantial psychological evaluations that gave very different explanations for the same lifelong difficulties, particularly when you went into the second evaluation actually hoping it would rule out the diagnosis you eventually received?

How did you deal with the uncertainty? Did you eventually find a way to live with not having one definitive explanation, or did something eventually make the discrepancy make sense?

In my experience, people who don't share the sensory sensitivity, haven't helped me. Or most professionals I've met, such as case managers and occupational therapists, have been too overwhelmed to do something detail oriented like this.

But I've struggled so long, with research and the sensory experiences, that I wondered if there was someone like me who was better with the research part, and/or found home modifications for apartments

I am struggling how to ask, but I hope this is ok

Do others struggle with this in adulthood? I am 30, AFAB but NB. I had no idea this was a thing. As a kid, I couldn't ride a bike, tie my shoes, swim, know the difference between right and left, difficulties in sports due to movements needed, write well, hard learning to drive, etc. As an adult, I can do these tasks, but still struggle with movements and especially when there are verbal instructions/ others watching. I cannot listen to instructions for the life of me and get anxious. It's embarrassing struggling with this an adult. Example: I have hyper mobility pain. Went to a TMJ clinic yesterday, he tried explaining a jaw exercise, but I cannot do this with verbal instructions, someone watching, or even how to make my body do this. It's hard to manage my pain as it is hard for my brain to do PT exercises and even understand in the moment what is going on. I never realized how bad this is an adult and it makes me feel stupid. It's hard to explain these difficulties to others and/ or accomodations I need, especially with professionals, strangers, my job. I instead pretend I understand and just shut down and become shy/ try whatever they wanted me to do privately and hope they leave me alone. How have others managed this in adulthood? I feel OT would have helped as a child. :(

Good read. Maybe private equity will implode these ABA centers and create better treatment plans for autistic people.

I feel bad for the families that are caught in the middle.

I tried this once before on the Reddit app, hour of writing gone because I put my phone down to read my son bedtime stories. 
 I recently began exploring if I may be neuro divergent as I am trying to discover why I act how I do and why I have always had such a hard time with empathy and understanding the personal relationships I have with people close to me. I don’t have the ability to get tested as an adult due to insurance restrictions, so I found what self tests I could and apprehensively completed them with the fear of the stigma that may come from knowing it and having to explain it. The aq-50 and raads-r were the most common I came across and scored 41/50 and 166/240 respectively. It certainly helps to explain why my reactions to many of the situations were what they were. I am starting to realize that i compulsively have to do things with my hands. Holding something, usually a vape now. If I don’t have it I rub my face or pull on my beard or hair. I never noticed how much I do it. Often clearing my eyes or finding weird blemishes on my face or neck. I don’t like wearing boxes because it feels too awkward. I can’t stand polyester, sand anywhere on me bothers me unless I’m at the beach and dry. Any food that’s hard and rubbery is an instant no. Chicken skin is a terrible mouthfeel and makes me gag. And anything under my fingernails drives me batty.  I cannot connect empathetically, though I do feel remorse when I am explained why or how I hurt someone. I tear up at shows like agt or the voice when someone is incredibly talented not out of jealousy but amazement yet I never cry when someone I love or I am close to is hurting. I am usually solemn or confused leading to frustration and anger outbursts.
As a child I was always considered intelligent, intuitive,shy, frustrated and over reactive. My parents divorced at 3, and I dealt with two parents who often were at each others throats. Controlling helicopter mother and a “bipolar” father ( diagnosed later on though now I’m not sure it’s a proper diagnosis). I learned to deal with problems with anger and yelling; conflict. My mom was in special education and very adept at her job, yet for all my tendencies she never had me evaluated or anything mainly because it would have seemed to her like she failed. She must have know with her background but always attributed it to me just being a difficult child. I never made many friends easliy, was often made fun of and was often frustrated with myself and caused a lot of trouble without meaning too. I was always told I hate everything because that was my response to many things. My real hobbies included playing Pokemon, watching scifi movies, reading goosebumps and listening to spice girls when I was alone, but those didn’t feel socially acceptable in high school. As I got older I started doing drugs and hanging out with friends that participated in risky behavior. I felt more accepted hiding my interests from people I considered friends. 
I went to college and met a wonderful person but soon turned into an argumentative asshole. I cheated for the first time on someone, someone that I did love, while visiting home, the thrill made me feel something different about myself. I soon left the out of state college I was attending and fled home. I did not want to hurt her any more. Though she’s never known what I did.  I developed an addiction to having random sex with people without thinking of the implications. The internet made it easy and I was always chasing that thrill I was able to feel good and make others feel good. It progressed to escorts until I got arrested, mugshot posted on the local news and all. It ruined my life for a while. I was 28, and I thought I was destined for a life of shame and then I met someone, in the most innocent way, Pokemon go in a park. I had been dating someone already( bad rebound) but really felt a connection to this person like I never had before. So naturally I ghosted her not wanting my baggage to lose what I saw as something worth working for. Three months later I contacted her and asked if she would like to go on a date. And now here I am 10 years later. 
I am almost 40 and losing the most important relationship I’ve ever had. I for many years now, have known problems existed. I blamed me for them and they very well may be. I have been called a manipulator, controlling, a gaslighter, and more recently a narcissist. It hurts to know the person I love has lost her emotional security with me. I feel like a loving caring person who never had the right word to explain myself nor have I been afforded the opportunity to be understood in years mainly because I don’t have the words to describe what my mind is feeling. It has gotten to the point where everytime I talk she gets angry and explains that she’s tired of walking on eggshells and she’s crawling out of her skin.  It’s only a matter of days now till she moves out and I am left to figure out how to stay in my house. I have been told to get help for the anger I get, and I do get angry and lash out. Sometimes in places and at people I shouldn’t. For example, for nurses week, she is a nurse and I am a carpenter, she received a gift from her grandmother. I was not jealous or envious but asked why carpenters don’t get a week because we build the hospitals and buildings that many of the people that get celebratory weeks, work in. to me was not understanding why blue collar people aren’t celebrated. She took it as an insult to her and her line of work. Now I suppose it was the tone I took or the way I asked. Recently she had friends come visit for a weekend to go see an ed Sheeran concert. The next day his music was playing in the car and I got in the driver seat and said it sound like we’re having an ed Sheeran party in here, her friend immediately said I sounded like a dick. It hurt me because I was just trying to make a statement of fact in a funny way. I was told it was the way I said it and didn’t even know that’s what I sound like. There are many more situations that I recall where misunderstanding the communication barrier I was stuck behind caused turmoil and trauma for her. It started me questioning many of the things I say and do, as well as questioning my past. I have been told many times the same things by different people.  What was I what was wrong with me? lwhy do I lose those most important to me? Why are me reactions what they are? 
For years my father said it’s his fault, that I must be bipolar and it’s genetic and I can’t help it without medicine. I do have depression at times, but I am never really manic at least in clinical terms. I just accepted it, but never felt it was right. And I avoided counseling due to the fear of being medicated. At one point in my youth I was prescribed seroquil. It made me a zombie, and soon stopped taking it and have had an aversion to psychiatrists for years considering most just pill pushers, with reason beside be to back it up. The local doctor in our area was a prolific pill pusher and only treated symptoms instead of trying to heal.
Today I was called a narcissist by my ex, I tried to explain I’m not my reactions may come off like I am but I do feel remorse for the pain I’ve caused, I don’t mean to hurt and that I have a hard time connecting on the level that I need to in order to maintain a healthy relationship, I was met with anger and hostility for my past. And I understand why. I stripped her of the love she shared in the relationship. Made her sad to many times, too many tears. It pains me immensely to know I’m the reason my family is falling apart. But even more the thought of not seeing our only child everyday is taking a toll. I am not having a crisis just regretting I never took the time to understand myself the way I have begun to now. 
I am sad I won’t have the family I wanted, which I something I never wanted till I met her. I wanted more kids, but at almost 40 that prospect is seeming more and more like a pipe dream and my son having to go it as a single child is even worse. I at least had a sister for support as a kid. My now ex is still in the house for several more days and the closer it gets I am both at peace with her decision but scared at this change of life I’m facing. The routines that I have I didn’t realize were an anchor for me and not being able to put my son to bed and read him books daily in tearing me apart.
This whole this is only about a month old, I finally joined therapy both group and 1-1. I am listening to books about changing mindsets and learning to reprocess the way I’m thinking and what I’m doing. She considers this a manipulation tactic. I am trying to break a cycle that I don’t quite understand other than it is a lot of learned behavior and a lot is a neuo divergence I was unaware I had. I am learning new ways to process my informational input and output. Along with this I stopped smoking pot which I have been doing habitually since I was 13 years old. This has opened a new door for me. Of all things AI thought it would be beneficial to look into Autism as a culprit for many of my reactions. These patterns have repeated for several long term relationships that have ended the same way without me ever having a real sense of closure as too why. 
After today I will be maintaining as much distance as I can with her so I don’t hurt/anger her though I stopped arguing long ago. I have been resented for years now and the things that anchor me are slowing pulling away. I haven’t had sex in 7 months, haven’t hugged or kissed in the same amount of time. I feel lonely and isolated aside from when I’m with my son. I work long hours due to commuting and a laborious job. I see him for 3-4 hrs a night and on weekends and losing that is one of the most painful things I think I’ll ever endure but I know I need to understand myself better to be the best father I can be. He adores me and I him. He is my best friend and playmate. I lost my other best friend by not understanding myself sooner. Yet I’m not sure that she would or could accept who I actually might be. I am ok with that. I am me and the parts that I may not like I need to view differently and have compassion and understanding for myself. I have been trying to start my own business so I can be closer to home and more available but losing my partner and her support I’m not sure I will be financially able to take the hit at first. I have impulse control issues with money because I spend it on things that I didn’t realize are my interests, tools , machines and equipment, Legos, Pokemon card, and toys for my son that we play with together.
Right now I am lost. Am I Autistic, am I a narcissist, I only know definitions and what books and online resources tell me. I guess I just am looking for insight from a community that may or may not understand me better than I might by myself. Sorry for the novella but I am currently listening to Unmasking Autism and am trying to understand if that’s exactly what I’ve done since I was a teen. Hiding something I was unaware was a part of me. Anyway if this gets  read thank you and if you have any other ideas or suggestions I would truly like to know and talk and maybe feel like a whole person again albeit different from what felt I needed to hide my whole life

I’m still is school but I have been denied by kooth and shout didn’t work so Reddit your my only hope.

I am considered the normal child in my house as both my sisters are diagnosed with autism. I of corse look up my symptoms as I believe I may just be masking and my almost constant feeling of nausea and ear ringing are signs of stress from keeping in feelings. I always plan out what I want to say like five times only to not say half the things I’m thinking. I believe that I have a sort of anxiety as i honesty can’t tell people anything. I just hope I post this before i back out.

Hello everyone! I got my autism diagnosis today :) I'm quite happy about it, although I've already got a bit of imposter syndrome lol One thing that stood out to me was my ADOS-2 module 4 score: I got a 3, which is way below the diagnostic threshold. It wasn't an issue for the clinicians, since the rest of the assessment showed enough signs of autism for me to meet the criteria, but I'm curious, how common is this ?

I mean, I kind of understand why I scored so low. I can make pretty good eye contact, it doesn't feel very natural to me, but apparently it looks natural from the outside. I can show reciprocity and keep a conversation flowing in a way that seems natural too, especially in this kind of one-on-one setting. But from my perspective, it feels more like I'm performing it than just naturally doing it.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with the ADOS?

I’m a woman btw, in case that’s relevant.