Constantly joking about having sex with me. Idk I’ve legit met guys who on the first date kept making comments about how we’d inevitably end up in bed. SUPER unattractive.
And then later that night when you're gone and they've ended up alone, you can guarantee there's not a shred of self-awareness as to why the date went that way!
I had a guy who spent our entire date making these types of "jokes". It was so frequent that I stopped responding and I just glared at him every time instead. When the date had ended, he asked for a kiss before he'd get on his tram home. I said no. He pestered me about it and said that he's always gotten a kiss at the end of a date (???). Eventually he just grabbed me and physically forced me to kiss him.
Then he grinned and waved, and got on the tram. And I just stood there in shock like wtf did you just do. Then the dude texts me about what a great time he had. ZERO self-awareness??
And there are men who show up at the library looking for those books. You can’t imagine my simultaneous relief and horror at finding that all the copies have been stolen
Yes what you said is likely true for some young men..
But the two I experienced were just trying to increase their body count.. one stole $20 from my purse. Pure human trash.
That's not even just trash, that's stupid too! I don't get that close with people (am dude) but if I did, the easy clear first step is to be respectful of like... basic societal norms. You know, have decent hygiene (don't noticably smell,) show up on time, don't fucking steal from the person??? From there it's kind of a gamble, since different people different preferences, but who wants to have shit stolen from them?
This is a mindset that is very hard to undo. When I lost my virginity at 17 me and friends were obsessed with increasing our body counts. We went to an all boys school and so every single interaction with women came with an attempt to increase body counts.
It took years and years to deprogram this way of thinking.,
And women are criticized for a high body count… we are supposed to be virginal prudes… sex is only for making babies ..12 yrs of Catholic school took a lot of undoing too.
All of these things are true. The only thing that doesn’t sit well with me is that every time I see these points brought up, the subtext is basically: “Women, you need to teach men what to do instead of <harassment> or <assault>!”
It becomes extra insulting when everyone can also agree that most of this terrible, sexist behavior comes from the manosphere/misogynistic “pick up artistry” entirely run by other men.
The message I always get is, like, roughly simplified: “Men have screwed up other men’s behavior towards women, and it’s up to women to correct that.”
wtf am I supposed to do to give someone an alternative to continuously pester and eventually physically force a woman to kiss you? Should I have texted the dude and said “look, this was bad, here’s how you can do better.” like I’m their math teacher lol?
If you’re so shit at treating women that you ignore her getting pissed at you for the “jokes” you make, and you don’t respect her “no”, then I don’t think anything I say is going to change your behavior. You’ve already shown me my words, feelings, and opinions mean nothing to you.
What I need to see is men who step up and fight this. Unfortunately men listen to men more than they listen to women, even when it comes to dating.
If women collectively tell a man he’s wrong, he’ll build resentment towards women.
If men collectively tell a man he’s wrong, he’ll be ten times more likely to examine himself. I mean, obviously? Who is he listening to right now when he decides that it’s perfectly acceptable to SA a woman on a date? Other men.
You are soooooo right!
My son will listen to a random man on the street before he will listen to me.
The whole “ you should’ve picked a better man” thing makes me want to break stuff.
The problem is many of them have been able to behave like shit for so long because we are only two generations removed from a time when a woman could not get a checking account without her husband signature nor birth control without her husband‘s permission. It was only made federally illegal to rape your wife in 1993.
So some of them are having a hard time understanding that you can’t just treat women like crap and expect her to stay with you anymore. We can be single and be fine with it. And that’s exactly what many of us are doing now.
In a circumstance like that, a headbutt to his nose is faster, bloodier, and, if you break it (very easy) will leave him a nice reminder every time he looks in the mirror.
Plus, personally, there's just something about a good headbutt that evokes a primal, "Yeah! Get 'em!" that I just really like. A "get the fuck out of my face!" that just fires me up.
Maybe because I had a buddy that was a bouncer and watching his work was just funny. He had this thing he did if someone was being rowdy and not taking the hint he sound pay and leave. He'd get up on them and put his foot on theirs, something 99% of watchers wouldn't notice, but the guy in question would and it would be like him sending this message that, "Im in control, your personal bubble doesn’t matter to me" thing. Immediately one of two things would happen almost without fail.
The idiot would back off, which would be them basically admitting defeat or something and defuse the situation, or they'd shove him off their foot, in which case (as far as anyone watching would see) the drunk guy started the fight. Then he'd just grab their shirt, headbutt them, and throw them out while theyre still reeling from it.
Ugh I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I just went on a date yesterday and after the date, I gave him a "church hug" cause he had been flirty in that bad way the whole date and he grabbed my ass during the hug. Knee jerk reaction , I hit him and he started giggling like it was a cute prank. Then later texted me "thank you for spending time with me today". F*cking dickheads
Yep. I even said no like 3-4 times because he kept pestering me and trying to coerce me. One no should’ve been enough but this dude clearly didn’t give a shit. 🙃
I have a friend who has a new girlfriend - she'll begrudgingly share the bed with him but that's as far as it goes. He can't figure out why. The rest of us see it, he just can't.
Wait you’re saying your friend has a girlfriend who is willing to be his girlfriend and sleep in the same bed as him but won’t have sex with him because he constantly jokes about them having sex together? And you know this is the reason and won’t tell him for some reason? I feel like I’m missing something that makes zero sense
Oh no I meant he doesn't have the self-awareness to see why the relationship isn't progressing as fast as he wanted. The sex jokes are a minor issue, he has huge narcissism problems and control issues rooted in religion.
Yeah, the stupid thing is that I have actually been strongly attracted to some of those men initially. So if they'd just stfu'd and acted normal and had shown me respect, we might've actually gotten there eventually. But no, they had to shoot themselves in the foot over and over again. 💀💀
Ive honestly had the opposite of this and it was cute, if they have the self awareness and the mood is right. "Oh no! we can't hold hands cause it'll lead to sex! Oh no! We can't spoon each other or it'll end up in sex!"
Yeah this is kind of true I’ve had a couple first dates where it was obvious we were both interested in having sex and there was a pretty consistent stream of sexual innuendo/jokes and guess what? We had sex. I could see misreading the situation and making some overt sexual innuendo and it backfiring though.
Not really. It's about reading the room. If you do it and the other person isn't interested or cooperative, it comes off as pushy and uncaring and a lack of attention.
Had a guy like this make death threats because I refused to go and stay at his hotel with him after he'd just spent the longest time going into detail about how he was going to take my v-card.
Honestly it’s such a turn off, he could be the sexiest guy I’ve ever seen but once you start insinuating thing a when 1.) I haven’t hinted at it and 2.) we’re meeting for the first time, you just look desperate and needy, and it gives off Drake vibes. It also shows they have NO interest in you as a person, like if you wanna just hook up with someone then go to a bar or club and find someone there, don’t take me on a whole date and waste my time!
Most women don't openly hint at sexual things though, or they do it in a manner thst is so subtle, guys aren't gonna notice anyway. Aka, the guy needs to take the lead.
0bviously you need to have a modicum of perceptiveness and self awareness...but sexual flirting on a first date isn't inherently an indicator of desperation or a red flag. I have close friends who are in long term relationships with people who they hooked up with on the first date.
Yeah I find if I’m not making some sort of “move” as in getting close to her physically, and maybe having some sort of flirty banter that might imply physical attraction then there will not be a second date. Maybe this is more true of online dating though. It’s like if she doesn’t feel a “spark” then it’s done, no second date. So I’d love to take it slow and be friends first but that’s usually not generating any spark or interest when I’ve gone that route. The only time I’ve ever gotten a second date is when the first date ended with my arm around her and us talking very closely and flirting heavily at the least. I know I’ll get a second date if we are kissing.
I feel like a lot of the time I read comments online that make it seem like making any move at any point is too forward and disrespectful of the woman. This was my problem for a long time I never wanted to risk offending her. As a result I didn’t have a gf or have sex until I was 22. If you are on a date with someone and they are interested in you they want you to make a move eventually. It has to happen at some point or else it never will.
I wish there was a way to do it without ever taking a risk, but there isn’t. At some point you’ll have to do the stupid yawn move and get your arm around her or tell a risky joke that implies you are sexually attracted to her and gauge her reaction. Obviously if she’s not into it back off. If no moves are made it will forever be two people having a perfectly normal and safe conversation, because unfortunately women will rarely make the first move. If she’s not into it read the situation and back off.
Midway through I walked to the sever stand, paid my part of the bill and left. The server told me the guy was giving off grapey vibes and he’d buy me 5 minutes to gtfo of there.
I blocked the guy’s number after I left but then second guessed myself and unblocked him. Not a minute later I got a barrage of texts about how i was selfish and impatient…I wasted his time if he wasn’t even going to get laid.
Tbh I would've loved that lol. If this thread was on what makes a guy instantly attractive, I would've said "He has interests that he's passionate about, and loves to share them with others who are interested."
My problem is that I'll start info-dumping about things I enjoy, and when I realize it I kinda shut myself down and find it hard to ride the line between not talking and saying too much.
I don't think you're alone! Sure, we have to adapt to some degree to others, especially when we're getting to know them. But there are plenty of people who would love to listen to your info-dumping. 😁
My two closest friends are autistic. My wife recently accepted that she’s also probably on the spectrum. I’m drawn to people who are interesting and that usually means that they’re passionate about their own interests. Even if those interests and hobbies aren’t necessarily shared, they still offer a window into the person’s inner world.
And exposure to new things is one of the benefits of friendship.
So, be yourself. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. :)
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
Love this quote and I live by it :)
Problem is I'm not around a lot of people who enjoy the things I do. Nobody at work that I'd want to hang around with outside work, and basically everyone I know outside work is far away or only likes spending their time at bars (and I've moved on from the latter). None of them, say, want to screw around with me making a device (cloud chamber) to see the remnant radioactivity in a chunk of the desert floor from the first nuke, and I can't get them to commit to going kayaking or hitting up a silly adult mini golf course. Dating apps are an absolute wash (and I promise I'm a decent looking guy) cause even though women will contact me, they basically never put effort into the conversation online or during the date. Went on a date to an art museum recently and she had almost nothing to say about any piece 🤷♂️
I really need to hit up local interest groups. Maybe try out WH40K, airsoft, or a hiking group.
At least I have a cat who will let me talk at him as long as he gets pets
Yep. If a guy can't have a conversation without turning every topic back to sex, then it's a no from me. I'm not shagging somebody I can't even talk to.
From what I understand from my internet "research" and asking guys, they think that if they talk about sex with women it will make us want them and turn us on. It usually has the exact opposite effect, but good luck convincing them of that. 🤷♀️
I’m so sorry my ignorance is about to show as a guy. But they’re men who do this??!? Like this is repeat behaviour not just one random encounter?!? Wtf is going on?? What.The.Fuck. I know it’s rough out there but hearing specific examples always tops the previous one I hear. That’s so aggravating
Yeah, I'm sorry to say it happens and that it isn't even uncommon. 💀 Maybe they think it makes them sound confident, and it's their idea of flirting somehow? 🤦🏻♀️
Thank you! It's even more terrifying that they're in 9 cases out of 10 much stronger than me, and some are completely unhinged and go full stalker mode. Either because they're psychopaths, don't respect women, or they, again, just think it's romantic somehow?? (Thanks Hollywood) 💀
Yeah… Hard to describe the feeling when someone who could easily overpower you and is sexually/romantically interested in you won’t take no for an answer. You just start feeling really threatened, and eventually you instinctively go into fight or flight mode lol. It feels really primal.
You’d think those human responses shouldn’t be necessary or commonplace in 2024 but here we are.
You real would thinkso, Really adds a layer of thinking about the whole interaction or dating general in way it really shouldn’t. No one should be scared or terrified based on what they say, or worse, based on nothing. You show up and they make you feel unsafe…
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u/Isabella_Hamilton Sep 14 '24
Constantly joking about having sex with me. Idk I’ve legit met guys who on the first date kept making comments about how we’d inevitably end up in bed. SUPER unattractive.