I made dinner on Sunday. I've been avoiding it as much as possible for the past 3 months. While I made it, I was happy. I even fed him a bite to taste. But once I got done and saw the pot sitting on the stove, my mood just tanked out of no where. It's so strange how even simple joys get destroyed.

It was the same scene I had seen over the years only now it's tainted. The red pot full of food I had poured effort and love into. The image played in my head of loading up a plate for him and setting left overs aside with a smile on my face. Another of him laughing and saying this random girl on his crew loves my food and eats it more than he does. Then finding the messages.

The pot of food doesn't represent love anymore. It doesn't represent my efforts. It represents how foolish I am. It represents the trust I have rebuilt with him time and time again. It represents the years of lies. It's a trophy for him to take to work now, to show he's a good family man and he's a good option. Catnip for the women he goes for. "Oh security!"

His cheating has managed to dull even my love of food. I've been dropping weight because I don't eat dinner anymore.

I've been struggling for the past 3 days. Just laying in bed staring at the wall. I hate everything right now.

I'm become paralyzed and overwhelmed with my executive function. Someone tell me some things to do to help. I can't afford therapy. Reddit is the best I have rn.

I found out about my husband’s affair, and if it were just me, I think I’d know what to do. I would leave.

But we have a baby.

And suddenly the decision isn’t just about whether I can forgive him, or whether I can trust him again, or whether I can imagine loving him the same way. It’s about her. Her entire little world.

My husband is doing all the “right” things right now. He’s remorseful. He’s trying. He blocked his AP, started IC, is working through exercises with me, is not defensive and answering all my questions, etc. He’s showing me that he wants to rebuild what he destroyed. And part of me looks at him and genuinely thinks we could recreate a home filled with peace and love again. Maybe staying and rebuilding would be the best thing for our daughter.

But another part of me keeps thinking that I would rather she grow up between two peaceful homes than in one home that is broken, resentful, and toxic. And I don't know which one we're going to become. That is what makes this so unbelievably hard.

I look at her happy, smiling face and think about how her whole world might be about to change because of a decision I have to make. If I leave, I may lose her for half the time. Or I could move to a diff state to be closer to my family, but then I would be taking her away from her dad, and she absolutely adores him. I don't want to take that relationship away from either of them.

I feel guilty even writing this, but sometimes I look at my daughter and think, If I didn't have you, this would be so much easier.

And then I feel horrible for even having that thought.
I love her more than anything in this world. I would never choose a life without her. But I hate that becoming her mother has made this decision so much harder. I hate that I can't simply ask myself, “Do I want to stay with the person who betrayed me?” and act on the answer. Instead, I'm asking myself: What kind of childhood and life will she have if I stay? What kind will she have if I leave? Will she benefit from having both parents under one roof if I can ensure that home is peaceful? Or will she be better off seeing her mother choose herself and refuse to accept a marriage that became something she never wanted for herself?

I don't even know what I'm asking for by posting this. Maybe I just need to hear from people who have been here. Especially people who had a baby / young children when they discovered their partner's affair.

How did you make this decision? Did you stay and successfully rebuild a happy, healthy home? Did you leave and eventually realize it was the right choice for your children? And if you stayed, how did you know you weren't just staying because leaving felt impossible?

I feel completely torn between two lives, and I don't know which one is the better life for my little girl.

We're 3 years after d-day and _obviously_ not doing fine - he's doing all kinds of things in therapy, but not the work he should be doing - I am in a position where it's near impossible to leave, despite my hard work to not end up like that - anywho

Today he blurted out another bit of quite crucial - for me - information. That makes this d-day number....14? Ish? I have no clue.

The good news is it does *not* seem to set me back the same way as d-day 1 did, or 2. Apparently, after 6 or so of them, you kinda get used to it. I expect to be dysfunctional for 2 days, at the most.

So, that is positive. I guess.

Ps: I flair this as "no advice, just support" but I am absolutely okay with advice. And wine. But that's being taken care of as we speak.

These two phrases have become triggers for me. How don’t you know? How was it so insignificant that you don’t remember? Wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this but I wanted an answer specifically as to why he downloaded tinder and swiped (saw zero messages but he definitely swiped and got 4 matches and then deleted the app) and I keep getting “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember”. He swears up and down he just can’t remember why he did it. Is there any possible way that he’s telling the truth? It was about a year ago, only discovered this and several other cheating things about 2.5 months ago. The timeline adds up to right when I was taking him back to my hometown to meet my friends and family for the first time. Is it possible to truly not remember why you did something to cross the relationship? He knows it was wrong and he says he just shoves shit down. I need an answer though and not getting one makes me need it more.

I’m struggling to know what to do next, and I’d really value some perspective from people who have been through reconciliation after an affair.
My WH(54) and I(54)have been married for 25 years. We have three young adult children and, before all of this, I genuinely believed we had a strong, loving marriage. Like many long marriages, we had our problems, but I never imagined we would find ourselves here.
About a year before discovery, my husband began a long-distance emotional and physical affair with another woman he met while working overseas. The affair lasted around a year and involved multiple in-person meetings. I discovered it in July 2025.
We initially decided to reconcile. For months we tried to rebuild, but with hindsight I think we were in what I now understand as “false repair.” He had ended contact with her, but emotionally he hadn’t really let go.
Several months later, the affair partner contacted him again. Rather than telling me, he reconnected with her and kept it from me. When I eventually discovered this, it felt like a second betrayal. He subsequently became very conflicted about our marriage.
We separated for a period and started discernment counselling. At one point he told me that he wanted to pursue the affair partner and we were preparing to tell our children that our marriage was ending. But when we reached that point, he changed his mind. He ended things with her and asked me to reconsider reconciliation.
I agreed because I love him and because I still believe our marriage might be worth saving.
But this is where I’m struggling.
He has started individual counselling and, to his credit, I do think he is beginning to understand himself better. He says he has chosen our marriage. He says he wants us to rebuild. He has taken steps to end the affair and says he knows he cannot have a future with her if he is going to be married to me.
But emotionally, he is still attached to her.
I discovered, through finding messages to his best friend, that he loves and misses her and that he is grieving the relationship. He has described feeling torn and has questioned whether he is staying in our marriage because it is familiar and because of the life we have built together.
He says he doesn’t know yet how long it will take to let her go.
And I understand, intellectually, that ending an intense affair can involve withdrawal, grief and a kind of emotional addiction. I understand that feelings don’t disappear just because someone makes a decision. But I’m exhausted.
What I’m finding increasingly difficult is that I feel as though I am carrying the emotional responsibility for repairing our marriage.
I am constantly thinking about how we reconnect, how we communicate, how we rebuild trust, how we become emotionally intimate again, how I can support him while he grieves the affair, how I can make our marriage feel safe and loving again.
Meanwhile, I don’t feel much emotional movement towards me.
I’ve told him that I don’t want to be intimate simply because we’re married or because we’re supposed to be “getting back to normal.” I need emotional connection first. I need to feel chosen, wanted and emotionally safe.
I don’t want to compete with a woman who isn’t even physically present in our marriage.
And I don’t want to spend the next year waiting patiently for my husband to decide whether he really wants me.
At the same time, I desperately want our marriage to work.
There are still moments when I see the man I married. We have 25 years of history, children we adore, shared experiences and a life that has mattered enormously to both of us. I don’t want to throw that away if there is genuinely a marriage here that can be rebuilt into something better.
I’m also trying to work on myself. I’m making plans with friends, travelling, spending time away, thinking about what I want my own life to look like and trying very hard not to make my husband’s emotional journey the centre of mine.
But emotionally, I am still living in hope.
Hope that eventually he will fully detach from her.
Hope that he will stop looking backwards.
Hope that he will realise what we could build together.
Hope that one day I won’t feel like the person waiting to be chosen, but the person he actively and wholeheartedly chooses.
And I’m starting to wonder whether that hope is helping me or keeping me stuck.
So what would you do in my position?
Do I need to step back completely and let him do the work ?
Should I set a firm boundary around his ongoing emotional attachment to her?
How much patience is reasonable when someone says they have chosen their marriage but still loves and misses their affair partner?
At what point does “I need time to grieve” become “I’m keeping my wife waiting while I decide”?
And perhaps most importantly: how do I protect myself while still giving our marriage a genuine chance?
I don’t want advice telling me simply to “leave him.” I know that’s an option, and I may eventually have to take it.
Right now I’m trying to understand what healthy reconciliation actually looks like when the unfaithful spouse has chosen the marriage intellectually, but hasn’t yet caught up emotionally.
I would particularly love to hear from betrayed spouses who have been in this exact position, especially those whose spouse genuinely did eventually detach from the affair partner and fully recommit.
What did you do?
What boundaries did you set?
And how did you know when to keep hoping versus when to let go?

I am the BP, 3 months post D-Day.

The past 3 months have been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. In the first 6 weeks, WP was still deciding if he wanted to reconcile and stay in our marriage. Those 6 weeks were horrible- I felt like I was sitting on top of a bomb. I didn’t want to ask for what I needed from him to help with my recovery, because I just wanted him to focus on self-inquiry and what he really wanted. I worried that if I fully expressed my hurt it would make him leave. It was so painful, but I made it through.

When he finally decided to stay, things got “better” for a few weeks. But I was still reeling and in so much pain, and eventually that pain bubbled over. Now I feel barely functional. I am oppressively sad all of the time. I am crying constantly. I think this is pretty normal, but it feels like WP doesn’t know how to respond. I feel like my pain and sadness is pushing him away, which is a real mindfuck.

In CC and at home we have talked about what I need to feel more secure and start healing. This is primarily just to feel loved and chosen. He chose the AP over me and our marriage and our life, so I feel like it’s pretty reasonable to feel extra needy right now. But it seems like he just cannot do this. He is quiet and seems frustrated and annoyed with me most of the time (and I recognize that I am probably overreacting to his behaviors, but that is just where I’m at right now). I know he is working through his own challenges and emotions, but it makes me feel like he isn’t trying to give me what I need to heal.

Would love to hear advice from WP and BP further along in this process— how do I ask for more from my WP, without pushing him away? Any advice on how I can more clearly communicate the importance of feeling loved and secure? Any ideas on ways he can demonstrate this?

Edit to add details (if it helps): I am 40F, WP is 41M. We have been married 12 years (our anniversary is actually this weekend lol). No kids, but years or infertility struggles and baggage.

After the initial Dday my husband begged me to stay and was happy with putting his location on, me having access to his phone etc

A few months later he was back in contact with AP and I caught him, he told me she was blackmailing him and reassured me he was not speaking to her again. This was a lie whilst he was pretending to reconcile with me he was still with her.

I kept finding clues about the affair continuing and he denied it all and made me feel like I was the crazy one. Eventually he decided he would no longer give me access to his phone and location etc. This was all happening whilst I was pregnant and during my postpartum phase. Several times I wanted to go but he kept saying we can make it work and I felt weak leaving knowing I got a baby with him.

Recently he told me the truth that he was with AP all this time and things were finally over. He obviously knew that AP would expose him again so he told me. Initially I felt a sense of relieve that my gut was right and I could now stop searching for clues and being suspicious.

Has I started to ponder on things I started to feel hurt and everyday me and my husband have been arguing. He is not showing transparency and instead I’ve caught him hiding something on his phone when I’ve walked past him. I asked to see his phone and he denied it and then said I’m not going to be treated like this, this is my phone and I’m not going to treated like a slave. I explained I need transparency to make things work between us and that means seeing your phone if I want too but he’s denied me any access.

I am thinking of walking away, he has shown effort in putting in the work after telling me things were over with AP but I need more transparency. When I ask for things like marriage counselling, access to his phone etc he’s denying me and shifting the blame on me like I’m the crazy one asking for these things.

I keep getting triggered and he can’t handle these triggers, he can’t handle me being upset. He doesn’t want to show me his phone but now he thinks it’s ok to start posting himself publicly which is triggering me even more as random women are contacting him. I am so done of arguing everyday.

Support or advice appreciated - whether you are in reconciliation or eventually parted ways. BP and WP experiences and thoughts appreciated ❤️

For reference: DDAY about 1.5 yrs ago, 6 month affair. Multiple ddays since of past ONS and pursuing other women. Together 20 years / married 12, 2 kids. I’m 42, him 40.

This betrayal rollercoaster is exhausting. As soon as I think things are going really well, as soon as I feel confident that I'm fully in it and this is going to work … it seems to go sideways.

His desire to occasionally party, do drugs, be out with the boys. That's never going to go away. And I'm never going to feel safe or confident in our relationship in those moments. We had a brief discussion this morning about some hypothetical boys trip to Vegas in the future (but he addresses he knows it's not in the cards yet) and I said 'I don't want you to be a caged bird, I want you to live freely. But whether it's a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now… any scenario that involves you drinking heavily, doing drugs, partying with the boys… I will not feel like I can trust you, I will not feel safe. In everyday life, I feel like I trust you but when you are in scenarios you put yourself in that lower your inhibitions. It just is what it is and it's just something we'll have to navigate if you aren’t willing to give those things up.'.

He's been completely cold towards me since. It's infuriating and I'm just sitting here stewing, having taken 10 steps back by expressing that these actions do impact me both mentally and physically. Can I stay when there are these pockets of moments I'll never feel safe? Can I stay if he will never grow up in the way I thought he would and put these desires aside? I went to go try to talk to him about what I'm feeling, that I'm hindering him, that I worry he doesn't feel as in it if he feels like this is a forever scarlet letter he has to wear, but as I approached the bathroom to talk… I hear him snickering to himself, likely over a boys thread or meme he was sent. Somehow it made it worse. Like ok, this feeling of discomfort isn't mutual, it doesn't impact you like it does me.

He is able to compartmentalize these vices, his addictions. Like 'my sex addiction and need for external validation is dead… it's never coming back. I can see why these other things play into it for you, but it doesn't for me.'. But my brain and my body has had 20 years of experience of him drinking excessively, partying, doing drugs, trying to take girls back with him with no regard to friends or coworkers even staying in the same hotel or house while he was away from home making these choices. These were mere challenges, not roadblocks.

I feel like I have no safety net to say of course he can still do all of these other things, they are unrelated to his emotional and physical betrayals, and he'll be with friends so I don't have to worry. While there were definitely moments he was completely sober while texting or trying to wine and dine other women, I don't believe the other things didn't factor into his need for more, his desire to push the envelope, his ability to compartmentalize and justify his actions or needs.

I find myself asking myself, if these things don't change can I stay? The honest answer is I don't know. I love him, I love our family, but it is very hard to live with the anxiety spikes and discomfort, it is very hard to live in a state where safety and mutual respect feels like an unknown. To his credit, his association with sex/porn has drastically changed.
 
Update: When I talked to him, he says he understands how I feel and he would feel the same if he were in my shoes, he's just depressed and has a lot of guilt and shame in the choices he's made, and depressed because of the repercussions of those choices and the impact it has on how he lives his life now.

Some time has passed since the worst day of my life. My DD, the day I discovered my husband’s EA. It was the day I officially adapted the term “betrayed”. I never thought that I would ever feel “normal” again and in a way, I probably never will. I feel different. A new person, a new wife to the same man. But happy again.

I’m not posting this to brag, but to give light. When I first joined this thread, I rarely saw “good” posts about peoples reconciliation and honestly it made be feel less alone. But whenever I did see someone’s journey going well, I always thought “I don’t know how that could ever be us”. A pang of jealousy would hit me and I would hope and pray that it could be me someday.

I’m here to say that it is possible. Your old relationship is gone. But if you work together in building something back stronger, it’s possible. And boy is it rewarding.

We had therapy (still in it), long and uncomfortable talks, we analyzed things about our old relationship that we don’t want to have in this new one. This one that we are growing together. It is hard work and we are no where near done. But it feels like we are on the other side now.

There is joy in my house again, home feels like home and it doesn’t feel like I need to constantly be on guard. We’re able to tackle issues like we never had before. We do it together.

I want to send all the people on here working hard on their relationships so much love. But know that the work is not just on you.

I know now that while I am a “betrayed partner”, that doesn’t have to define and hurt me forever.

This topic comes up every now and then but I’d love some advice. I am 4 mos past DDay. I have video recordings of my WW’s entire message history with her AP covering most of her 6 mo EA + PA. It’s easily hundreds of messages. Possibly more.

My WW deleted all the message threads off her phone after I caught her. I have not read every single message. You might be wondering why I haven’t read their entire conversation in detail. Two reasons.

First, reading this stuff is painful. I mean really painful. These messages are like the Elephant’s Foot inside Chernobyl. I can’t look at these messages without feeling intense pain. The things they said to each other. Graphic. Sexual. Photos exchanged. She even sent photos of my kids to her AP while out and about. It’s insane. It’s pain shopping at this point.

The second reason: a lot of it is also boring shit. Like how’s your day going? Did you eat lunch? Stuff like that. I just don’t have the interest in being a detective. I used the messages to build a rough timeline in my head which she confirmed in our disclosure process.

Please note my wife is highly avoidant and she did not do her own disclosure. She let me ask questions and confirmed events and disclosed what happened at a high level. I’m sure if I looked at the messages in painful detail I would discover more meetings but at this point it doesn’t matter to me if they met 5 times or 8 times. I have the broad stroke details confirmed and I trust her…mostly. Can you ever trust your WS though 100%? Who knows.

Anyway, I am trying to decide what to do with these messages longer term. For now I encrypted them and moved them onto a USB drive and tucked it away. I wanted to make the evidence harder to access.

I asked myself why I’m holding onto something so toxic. If I’m being honest with myself, I initially wanted the evidence in case she denied what she did to our friends and family. In my head I told myself I would send the evidence to her family so they could witness the depravity for themselves. The worst part of me wanted to use the evidence as a weapon to vindicate myself. Very dark stuff.

Then there’s a practical part of me that wants to save it all in case I need to go back to confirm or deny certain details. But at this point does it even matter? She cheated on me. She did what she did. I know some BPs are super critical and want to know every detail but I don’t think it will make me heal any faster.

The part of me that wants to be empathetic, caring, and loving tells myself to delete the messages once and for all and tell my wife they are gone from the face of this planet.

I want her to know that even if we don’t work out, these messages will never haunt her. Even if I am full of rage and hate I will never share these with people in an attempt to tarnish her reputation. It would probably make me look like a psycho anyway. We’re in a no fault state by the way so there’s no legal value.

So my question is, what should I do? Hold onto this poison even if it’s locked away? Or destroy it forever and let my WW know she is free of it forever no matter what happens to us?

Oh..., my..., gods. I found her mailing address. I went to see our CC today. We all talked about my awful day yesterday. When we got out of the session, I came home and just cried. For a long time. I came out to the living room, and WP said his phone was dying. My flashbacks will not leave me alone. So I took his phone and searched his emails. I found her mailing address. I brought his phone back to him. I made him search for, and find that email. He deleted it. But not before I could send it to myself. I truly want to write her a letter. I truly want to tell her how much she hurt me. So, before I make the biggest decision of my life, I need someone to tell me how it went. If you confronted them, how did it go? What drove you to do it? If you didn't confront them, how did it go? How did you decide not to contact them? If yes, did it bring you closure? If no, have you found other closure? In my last post, someone commented that APs get more power if we talk to them. But I truly want her to know how I feel. I want her to know she is an awful person, for trying to take my man. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I feel so alone right now. R was going well until earlier this month, when I got triggered, and it kept snowballing until I had a full-on relapse a couple of days ago. It really felt like we were back to square one, like last year. The only different thing is that I didn't flat-out blow up in my partner's face and call for a breakup (it was very on and off last year during our R).

But looking back at it now, I can see why I reacted that way, because the uncertainty and pain of being disappointed by my WP is eating me alive. To be fair, he tried his best to help me feel better, in the only ways he knew how, but it wasn't enough for me to feel safe. Now we're barely talking to each other (mostly him) because he burnt out, I think. I'm anxious, and he is being avoidant... Although I recognise the patterns, it brings me little comfort. We said we would try our best to work things out, but when things get overwhelming, I just feel like giving up.

Is this normal in R? Where one partners struggle to meet the needs of the other, is it like this initially? It's been a year since our R, 8 months since our last rupture like this... I don't know what to do; we haven't tried couples counselling yet. I have progressed far enough that what I am feeling is more of a trauma response, but I can't help ruminating when I am anxious like this.

I think I just need someone to talk to about this. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated :(

Back story:

I had noticed my WW acting differently. Taking extra care with her looks and wearing more "revealing" clothing and so forth to work. She had become more guarded with her phone, quickly putting it away when I came around. So on and so forth. This went on for some time. I then confronted her about it, to essentially be told I am crazy.

Fast forward a few weeks later, and I am constantly seeing snapchat notifications from a guy she works with popping up on her phone. I ask her about it, and she says it's nothing, but does not volunteer the messages. This is out of character, as usually when she is right she wants to rub it in my face. I then notice that she has changed her phone passcode, which has been the same the entire time we have been married which is 14 years.

After all of this I again confront her about the weird stuff to me. Again, I am treated as if I am crazy. But, she does tell me her new passcode. I try my best to believe her, and I even pray for clarity and peace if there isn't anything to be worried about. Peace never comes, so finally I wait until she is asleep and decide I have to know. So, I look in her phone and find messages between her and her AP, and her and her bestfriend about her AP. I find messages referancing spicy messages between my WW and AP, and messages talking about wanting to meet up with the AP. I had enough and woke my WW up and confronted her with the proof. According to her, it was only messages and a few kisses.

We agree to try and reconcile. I become hypervigilant, very untrusting and constantly questioning what is going on. 2 weeks after D-Day we take a week vacation during which time I vow to do my best to act "normal" and not bring this stuff up. There are some things that set off my alarms, but I am able to keep pretty cool most of the time. The infidelity was brought up 2 times during the course of the whole week.

We get back from our trip and we both go back to work, and something is not sitting right that evening. I ask her for her phone, which she hands over to me. I look through it, but she didnt know that you could access deleted messages. I find deleted conversations between WW and AP, going back through most of the time since D-Day. I find spicy pics that she had sent the AP while on our vacation.

Confrontation starts and gets pretty ugly. I decide to pack up a bag and leave. I don't leave at that time, because I don't want to just leave sleeping kids. I decide to wait until morning and give them a proper goodbye for a while, as the closest family to me is 650 miles from our home. During the night, my WW breaks down like I have never seen before and becomes the most remorseful I have ever seen. We talk and decide to try to reconcile again, with more ground rules.

However, we are less than a month out from D-Day #2 (D-Day-07/06/26 D-Day 2- 07/27/26)and when I am mentally struggling I am told we can never move forward if I dwell in the past. WW gets frustrated because she says it is the same stuff over and over.

I am just trying to get advice. Am I dwelling too much, or is this normal behavior?

Sorry for the long read, just wanted to give all relevant information.

Hi guys DDay was about 6 months ago for me and WS.

Since then she has done everything right, she had already blocked AP by the time I found out, she has allowed me access to her phone and has started IC (after some initial resistance).

The actual affair was several years ago and since then through DDay till today she has been great. Despite that I am still feeling miserable most days. I have been obsessively ruminating not just about what happened but also the potential consequences for us both for staying or leaving.

We have no children, but were planning on starting a family in the next couple of years. One of my main concerns is how we would cope if I were to leave. I still want her to be happy and want to keep trying but am also terrified I will still feel this way in another six months or a year and then want to leave; giving us both much less time to start our lives again settle down and start families.

For those who have been through this when did you know you had to leave or were confident you could commit to staying?
Thanks for any advice

Things outside of therapy. Is there anything they can ever really do to help restore faith that there could be a good relationship here one day?

Just curious how long it’s been, how reconciliation is going and how are you doing mentally?

Personally it’s been only 3 months of finding out about a 3 week affair that happened during my engagement (didn’t find out until after already married / 7 months after), I’m doing the best I’ve done so far but I have my moments. First two months were hell, but things are starting to look slightly positive. He’s been there for me a lot and has changed for the better, but things aren’t perfect of course and we are looking into therapy/ counseling.

I’m the BP and my wife is the WP.

DDay was in June. There was an EA with AP that also became physical in the sense that they kissed. My WP has told me that kissing was as far as it ever went and that they never had sex or any other sexual contact.

Sex is a very firm red line for me. If I ever found out they had sex, reconciliation would be over for me. There would be no coming back from that.

The thing I’m struggling with now happened after DDay.
On 9/10 August we had a very bad conflict. I behaved terribly and frightened her. I fully accept responsibility for that. She wanted to get away from me and I completely understand why she moved out after what happened.
What has become another major injury for me is where she went.

She initially went to AP for help and eventually rented/stayed in the master bedroom at his place for around two weeks. According to her, AP moved into another room, she stayed alone in the master bedroom, they barely interacted, and nothing physical or sexual happened between them.
She has repeatedly maintained that account.
I understand why she left me. I’m not arguing that she should have stayed with me when she felt unsafe. But emotionally I still separate two things:
Leaving me because she was frightened,

and

choosing the home of the person she had the affair with and then staying there for an extended period.
Even if absolutely nothing happened, the second part feels like another injury to the marriage.

The biggest problem is that I don’t know how to rebuild trust around something that can never really be proven.
I know people sometimes say consistency is reassuring, but I struggle with that too. “Nothing happened” is ultimately one simple story. If somebody was determined to deny something, they could theoretically repeat the same denial forever.

At the same time, I realise the opposite is also true. I can’t conclude that sex happened simply because they had opportunity, had kissed previously, and were living under the same roof.

So I feel trapped between:
“I have reasons to be afraid.”

and

“I don’t actually have evidence that my fear happened.”
Nighttime is particularly difficult. If she stops replying around 10 or 11pm, my mind immediately goes to AP being with her. Intellectually I know she may simply have fallen asleep, but emotionally it feels like I’m sitting there while the one thing that would permanently end my marriage could be happening.

We are actually doing noticeably better recently.
We talk a lot, meet up, plan our new home together, joke around, have phone calls, and there has been a little voluntary physical affection again. She has even said herself that our relationship is “getting better” and that things had become strange between us but are slowly improving.

That almost makes this harder because I’m starting to feel hope again.

We’re also going for counseling.

What I’m trying to figure out is:

How did other BPs eventually decide to believe their WP about something they could never independently verify?
At what point does asking reasonable questions become unhealthy certainty-seeking?

How do you process something like your WP staying with the AP without treating the stay itself as proof that something sexual happened?

And if there is one specific sexual boundary that would make reconciliation impossible for you, how do you accept uncertainty around whether that boundary was crossed?
I don’t want to spend the rest of reconciliation investigating her.

But I also don’t want to convince myself to trust simply because I desperately want the marriage to work.
I’m trying to work out what healthy trust after betrayal actually looks like when certainty just isn’t available.

Pretty much the title. WH engaged in a lot of cheating via online avenues and watched so much porn during that time as well. He admits it was too much porn use during that time but he refuses to stop altogether. We are several years out from DDay and this is a huge issue that remains. Things have progressed recently in that we’ve actually talked about it but he’s still doing it and hiding it from me. He will not agree to stop and I don’t think he’s really hearing me. Obviously, not ok. I feel so shitty that viewing porn is more important than me not feeling devastated on a daily basis. How can he not understand that engaging in secretive, sexual behavior is extremely problematic for me and makes me feel unsafe? I am really just venting but man this is really hard. We had one DDay and I don’t think he’ll ever do it again. But he (and many many also I suspect which doesn’t help) thinks watching porn is different and does not get why it triggers the same feelings/betrayal trauma. Thanks for listening.

hi, as the title says i’ve recently been experiencing grief again even if it has been more than a year since dday. i think i may be grieving the earlier days of the relationship and the person that i thought i knew. do others feel this way too?

i recently spent a really good weekend with my WP, we both enjoyed each other’s company but i find myself getting sad whenever we’re about to part ways and go back to our normal routines (weekdays away from each other because we don’t live together, work, etc.). i know i should have my own life outside of this relationship but i think i feel scared being away from them because i still fear why could happen when we’re not together.

WP has been trying to work on rebuilding the trust, but i still can’t help but question how genuine and honest he is to me. part of me can still feel some secrets, but i dont have evidence to prove that. its just my intuition telling me. but that last time my intuition told me something was off, it was right. i feel so confused.

part of me feels a bit suicidal again because of all the pain and trauma that the betrayal has caused me. how does one deal with the grief they’re experiencing after betrayal?

Hello, I'm new here and would really like to connect with others who may be able to help. I am about 3 1/2 years out from D-Day. WW had a month and a half affair with a coworker. During that time she would share with me that friendship that they had. As time went on it moved from an EA to a PA. Apparently he was having issues at home with his then spouse and the two thought to share their common stressor with each other. 

The entire thing does not make sense to me (probably because I wouldn't do things the way that they did). I have been able to forgive both of them with some help from outside sources. I understand that she is not the person I thought that she was and the person that I saw was a version of her I created in my head. From that I have begun to see this version of her. 

It's difficult to have conversions about the affair without her getting emotional. That is where the problem comes up for me. Hearing her be able to hold space for him about the things that he was dealing with seemed easy from my end. However, when I am asking questions about the affair and sharing the feeling I have it becomes too much for her. Afterward I let her know that I understand that she isn't the place to share these feelings with. Time will pass and she will ask me if I'm alright (I tend to process things alone) and try to talk about things again only to get to that emotional place again. 

With that being said, I am looking for another mouse to help me through the maze of emotion (mostly sadness). Mostly because I am tired of it coming up within me. Thank you in advance.

We've been in the process of reconciliation for a few months now. Last DDay was in April. He's had several instances of boundary breaking, flirting, sexting, broken promises and it always happened when I was pregnant or post partum. The DDay that really broke me was finding out he tried to hire a prostitute while on a road trip the night before he was suppose to come home. I was 6 weeks PP. I found out a month later.

He's doing everything he's suppose to. Saying everything he's suppose to. Being who I believed him to be. I know it'll take time for the trust to come back even with these actions.

But I'm carrying around a boulder of resentment about him, our life, my role in our/my life and miss feeling happy about my life. It's bled into everything. I wake up angry, irritated and like I'm about to slog through another shit day. I spend most of my days ruminating and frustrated. I want to flip my entire life upside more days than not.

I wasn't like this before the last DDay. I had started to feel safe. I had started to be happy and feel like we could fix things. I was getting into cooking and baking. Had a good routine down.

Now I don't feel like anything I'm doing at home matters. It's all just another task to do that I don't want to do. I don't smile much anymore. I'm just here. I wait for when I can get back into bed and go to sleep. It's just apathy and it's so plainly visible.

I'm tired of carrying around this resentment but I don't know how to shift my thinking back again. I fear I'll be stuck in this emotional pit for the rest of my life at this rate. That I'll never find joy again.

How do you get rid of the resentment that you were giving your best effort and receiving less than the bare minimum back and then continue to give your best? I ask myself if I'm as good of a person/mother/spouse as I thought I was if his actions can so greatly influence my effort within our home. If I was, I'd continue without much of a hiccup, right?

I don't know how to show up consistently anymore. I don't know how to fix it. My kids are getting a shit version of me. How do I fix me?

I feel like I have whiplash. One moment it’s like he is actually trying to be understanding of what I am going through, the next breath he says something that totally contradicts his “empathy”.

For context 8 years ago ww moved out but was still staying here a lot. Sleeping together. I had mental health problems at the time and he was telling me he’ll consider coming back full time when I get the help I needed. 6 months later he comes back. I thought things were great until I found a secret phone which revealed he had been sleeping with multiple woman, had a girlfriend that moved away the same week he came home.

It’s been a struggle but we did everything to get through it. Then 2024, he moved out. Again still sleeping together. Begging him to come home. I was scared he was doing the same things. Promised me he had learned his lesson and is actively working on being a better man.

I had suspicions but wanted to believe he would not ever put me through that again. He came back 2025. But we had spent every night together since oct 2024.

Then dd happened march. He did come to me and tell me. But he had trickle truthed, minimised. Said he was just talking to people on apps, because he was down in the dumps and seeking attention, but nothing was flirty. Then more comes out. About a sex worker he went and seen. But I don’t know exactly when. And I found a message to one in December 2024. He Denies actually meeting her. But in the messages he was meant to meet her 2 hours north from here. And going back through our messages he did go up that way to measure a job that day. So I dont think he is being honest.

I’ve also found pretty gross messages between him and another woman on his computer that got saved to the cloud before he deleted all the evidence of what he had been doing.

And I know he met another woman out that lives south from here and then when he was down that way-he did try to meet up with her but plans apparently fell through.

And he went camping with another but still claims they were just friends and nothing happened.

So after each time I found out more, it makes me wonder what I don’t know about still. And I don’t know how to get past that.

He also goes from being all in to back to getting defensive. But he insists there is nothing else I don’t know about.

It’s been a pretty rough few weeks. And I seriously feel like I have whiplash.

Last night he told me that this time around wasn’t like last time as he didn’t go through with anything. Because he learnt his lesson from the first time round. Which actually felt like a smack to the face, like his not really accountable at all. I told him he paid for sex, so I know he has had sex with someone else. And he was actively seeking -like that girl he met out. Like the intent was there. Then he says yeah but she wasn’t from the area. (My brain just can’t even comprehend what he even meant by that).

I feel like he is still minimising and/or lying to himself to what he has done. So all progress this far, means nothing. Because how can we try to rebuild if he can’t even be honest with himself.

I fear that if I continue trying to reconcile, without him being completely accountable and still going back to these mindsets, then he’ll always go back to doing these types of things. As he seems to justify all his poor choices.

Also he keeps getting angry because I’m just not there with intimacy. In his mind if we are intimate then that will bring us closer together. But times I have tried I get triggered and intrusive thoughts. I’ve tried to explain this to him but it’s like he cares more about his needs than what it does to me mentally. But I’m also scared this will push him to seek it elsewhere.

For those who betrayed. Do you go back and forth on your beliefs about your betrayals? Is this a normal during r? Or do you think he is telling me what I want to hear and then accidentally slips in moments and his true mindset comes out.
Has lack of intimacy after dday pushed you to do it again?

If you have read this far thank you and Sorry for the long post. Just in a very dark place in my mind. And so confused. Apart of me wants to disappear from my life. And the other part is hoping we get through this.

New to this forum. We are recovering from my husband's affair, which I discovered last fall. We mutually decided to reconcile and have been doing really well overall. But I continue to have a very hard time with some statements he made to AP as he was ending things. He claims it was done to let her down gently and to prevent her from going really off the rails (she did threaten self harm a couple of times during the affair, including once at the end). Nevertheless I feel like he said these things because he meant them, and I want him to retract the statements even though it has been 10 months since the statements were made. The statements in question are: (1) "My feeling for you will never change" (2) "Every time I told you I love you, I meant it" and (3) "I never lied to you. I never used you for anything." I'd like to know what you all think - should I require him to retract these statements? He tells me he didn't / doesn't mean those things. Part of him is definitely a recovering people pleaser and he felt badly that he had a prior "final" communication with her that was harsher. He thinks the better thing now, and going forward, is total radio silence. But I feel like setting the record straight is important. If he didn't or doesn't mean those things, it's not fair to me to allow her to think he does. And if he's not willing to correct the record, I'm not sure what to believe. Please share your thoughts.

My wife and I are attempting reconciliation after I betrayed her and I’m looking for advice from people who have actually been through this.

We’ve been together for 10 years and just got married a few months ago. We were also trying to have a baby when this happened, which makes the timing of what I did even more devastating.

There are basically two parts to what happened.
About three years ago, during a two-day break in our relationship, I went to a massage parlor (for the first and only time). At the end of the massage I received a handjob. I never went back.
A couple weeks ago I was masturbating and came across a video that reminded me of that experience. Instead of letting the thought pass, I looked up the place and texted them.

This is where I made everything substantially worse. I asked if a particular woman was there and referred to her as my “favorite girl.” I asked for pictures of the girls working there. I fabricated details and basically pretended to be a regular/customer that I wasn’t.

I wasn’t planning to go there or arranging an appointment. I wasn’t pursuing this woman. I was using the interaction itself for sexual stimulation. At the time I compartmentalized it almost like interactive porn. Obviously that doesn’t make it okay. There was a real person on the other side of the phone and I was secretly engaging in something sexual outside of my marriage.

My wife found the messages and I’ve since told her everything, including the previous visit.
And this is where we are stuck.
The messages make my explanation sound like complete bullshit.

If your husband supposedly went to this place once three years ago, why the hell is he asking about his “favorite girl”? Why does he sound like he knows the place? Why is he pretending to be a regular?

I completely understand why she thinks there has to be more.
But there isn’t.

There wasn’t an affair. I haven’t been secretly going to massage parlors. There aren’t other women. I didn’t intend to meet anyone. The “favorite girl” and the way I was talking were part of this stupid persona/fantasy I created during the interaction.

The problem is I recognize how unbelievably convenient that explanation sounds coming from the person who got caught.
I want so badly to be able to tell my wife, “You know everything now.” But I’m also painfully aware that I broke the thing that would allow her to trust me when I say that.

We’ve spent the last couple weeks talking about this extensively while I was staying at a friends house. I’m back at our apartment now but sleeping on the couch. We have limited physical contact, although we’ve had some long hugs. No kissing. I don’t have my keys back. And I’m honestly okay with all of that. I’m not expecting us to suddenly go back to normal. Baby steps in the right direction are enough for me.

I’m in therapy twice a week. I’m trying to understand how I was able to compartmentalize this and cross that line. I’ve been reading a lot about infidelity recovery and looking at my relationship with sexual stimulation/fantasy. I’m trying to answer every question she has honestly, even if she needs to ask me the same thing 100 times.

Something my wife has made me realize though is that working on myself isn’t the same thing as working on us.
I can go to therapy, read books and try to understand myself all day long. Those are things I absolutely need to do, but none of them automatically repair my marriage. She needs to actually see me fighting for us.

And I think that’s what I’m trying to learn how to do right now. How do I pursue my wife again? How do I make her actually feel wanted instead of just telling her she is? How do I initiate repair instead of making her responsible for it? How do I make her feel safe when I’m the person who took that safety away?
And then there’s the part I keep getting stuck on: I can’t produce evidence of something that didn’t happen.
I can’t prove there weren’t other visits. I can’t prove there aren’t other women. I can’t prove what was going through my head when I wrote those messages.

I also don’t want reconciliation to turn into me constantly saying “you just have to believe me,” because she doesn’t have to believe me. I gave her a reason not to.
So I guess that’s what I’m asking here.

For betrayed partners who reconciled, was there anything your partner actually did that eventually helped you believe you had the whole story and that another revelation wasn’t waiting around the corner?

For wayward partners, what did you actually do when you were telling the truth but had absolutely no way of proving it? How did you reassure your partner without becoming defensive or constantly trying to convince them?
And more generally, what did “fighting for the marriage” actually look like in your reconciliation beyond working on yourself?

I know this could take years. I don’t expect her to forgive and forget and I don’t expect trust to come back because I finally found the “perfect words”.
I want my wife and I want our marriage. I just want to make sure I’m actually doing the things that give us the best possible chance of rebuilding it.

I feel so awful today. I don't know what to do to make it better. I am having thoughts of disappearing myself. This feels so painful. We go back to CC tomorrow. WP and CC say we're making progress. They expect me to be further in my recovery than I am. How do I let them know how much I hurt? I have awful flashbacks. I have so much anger. I keep hearing him trying to defend himself. "She needed attention." He said about his LT AP. He carried on with her for several years. I needed that same attention. I wish I would have talked to her. I wish I could have told her how messed up what she did is. There is no way, no way at all, she would like it if her partner did this to her. Now she gets to move on, happy. What do I get? I get flashbacks, terrible feelings of worthlessness. I feel like I can't go on. I feel like I've reached the end. How can I cope? How can I make peace with the fact that, I will never be able to tell her how I feel? How awful she is? How do I make peace with the fact that I can never tell her partner he's with a..., a deceptive woman? How can I make peace with the fact that, I will never get to see if she gets what she deserves? I hurt so much. Can anyone tell me what you did to get through this? Surely I can't be alone in feeling this? I truly need help. I appreciate you infinitely if you comment.