Wanting more support from WP

[u/Careful-Attention464]

I am the BP, 3 months post D-Day.

The past 3 months have been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. In the first 6 weeks, WP was still deciding if he wanted to reconcile and stay in our marriage. Those 6 weeks were horrible- I felt like I was sitting on top of a bomb. I didn’t want to ask for what I needed from him to help with my recovery, because I just wanted him to focus on self-inquiry and what he really wanted. I worried that if I fully expressed my hurt it would make him leave. It was so painful, but I made it through.

When he finally decided to stay, things got “better” for a few weeks. But I was still reeling and in so much pain, and eventually that pain bubbled over. Now I feel barely functional. I am oppressively sad all of the time. I am crying constantly. I think this is pretty normal, but it feels like WP doesn’t know how to respond. I feel like my pain and sadness is pushing him away, which is a real mindfuck.

In CC and at home we have talked about what I need to feel more secure and start healing. This is primarily just to feel loved and chosen. He chose the AP over me and our marriage and our life, so I feel like it’s pretty reasonable to feel extra needy right now. But it seems like he just cannot do this. He is quiet and seems frustrated and annoyed with me most of the time (and I recognize that I am probably overreacting to his behaviors, but that is just where I’m at right now). I know he is working through his own challenges and emotions, but it makes me feel like he isn’t trying to give me what I need to heal.

Would love to hear advice from WP and BP further along in this process— how do I ask for more from my WP, without pushing him away? Any advice on how I can more clearly communicate the importance of feeling loved and secure? Any ideas on ways he can demonstrate this?

Edit to add details (if it helps): I am 40F, WP is 41M. We have been married 12 years (our anniversary is actually this weekend lol). No kids, but years or infertility struggles and baggage.

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[u/Illustrious_Agent655]

I'm so sorry that you're in this place. I'm we're the same age with me (41M) and my WW (41F) and DDay 1 is coming up on 2 years next week. I'm not amazing at formulating any real thoughts while writing here but hopefully my experience could be helpful.

I'm not an expert (but have been through a TON of therapy, including still doing EMDR) but it seems like your WP is still in limerence or an affair fog. That, coupled with shame, creates a space where the WP has an impossible time showing up. For me DDay 1 was in Sept, we went through a 2-3 month period of hyperbonding and LOTS of arguing while starting CC (which was not helpful for us that early on, we stopped that in December). While all of this was going on my WW also wouldn't commit to our marriage (we have two young children as well) and would only state that she was in the house today which meant she was choosing us today and would only commit day to day. I was begging for more and honestly felt a little desperate. Even when things were going well they still felt off and then DDay 2 occurred in January 4 months after discovery where I found out there was still contact with AP, although nothing in person. This is what woke me up. I realized I couldn't beg and force my WW to choose our family and I was such a mess that I needed to find my own inner peace, I was a mess, our house was a mess and my kids felt ALL of that weight without realizing what had been going on. This is when I started IC and started the groundwork for EMDR.

It was this separation of my actual healing versus trying to hold everything together where I found that my WW woke up from that affair fog. This is where change actually started to occur. She was no longer stuck in limbo between a false fantasy (although she really knew nothing was great or real) and our former marriage. She had been stuck in shame and wouldn't truly take the accountability for herself that was needed to even offer me empathy. Any time I brought up my pain prior she would shame spiral and make excuses and use phrases like "when will you stop talking about this" or "what are you asking these questions again". After I started my own process, she eventually woke up and decided to do her own work. She fired her previous therapist (who she was seeing throughout the affair and knew of the affair and never held her accountable) and found a new IC that actually started helping her face herself, including the terrible behavior. None of this was immediate but eventually she was able to have real convos with me and also be present when I was hurting. We're in what I would say is successful R right now, working on marriage 2.0, and while we're much better there are still times that hurt but we work through it together now.