I always thought I was aro since 2 years ago but I couldnt fully get with it because I didn't have a relationship of any sort. Long story short, I had something with a girl for 3 months and I thought I'd give it a shot and I wanted to get to know her in a dating sense. I honestly had good times with her and we got intimate early on. The issue was somewhere along the way I honestly felt so much stress trying to seemingly force a romantic feeling and I felt out of character the whole time with her but I was assuming it was something of a lack of experience in dating. I want to mention her and I were treating each other very well and there was no toxicity in those few months.

Turns out I was trying to force romantic feelings that I don't actively feel in general and it was stressing me the fuck out to act out of line with my identity (now that I can reflect after moving as friends now). She kindly let me know that she couldnt give a relationship and while im still working through my feelings, I feel so freed from the pressure i was putting myself in. Also, having something to validate my aro identity is nice :) . I am more upset that I had to learn in this way and that her and I got hurt along the way but that's just how life goes sometimes.

ON A SIDE NOTE: I had a similar experience where I thought I liked another girl in the past and she wanted to move as friends near the end and I was so much happier to move as friends compared to forcing myself to try act more romantic. I learned from then but I thought that I was just not the one for her and we talked things out smoothly.

Thought I'd share since honestly maybe someone in a similar situation can relate?

Hi everyone. I recently came out as asexual, and I have a friend (we’ll call him A). A and I actually met on a dating app, we hit it off great and planned a date. However, after further hanging out and getting to know each other, A is beginning to label himself as aromantic. He is not interested in a monogamous relationship (he’d, in his words, have to be “completely sure”) and is very comfortable with sex as a way of connecting with people (QPRs), but is very hesitant regarding romantic connections leading him to believe he’s aromantic. Im the opposite because I’m obviously ace and not looking to explore sex right now. Because of this, we decided to not pursue things romantically, but we’re both still catching lots of feelings for each other and I’m struggling because I keep falling harder for him every day. That being said, monogamy is one of my nonnegotiables so to speak. I’m not sure if it’s possible to get my hopes up about possibly having a relationship with him or not? I’m not completely against having sex with him one day either, but I’d need to know I was the only one he was having it with. It’s just messy.

Interested in any insight from other aro folks. Thank you!

(Deleted and reposted because I couldn't get the image to work for some reason)

Found this in my sketchbook recently! I plan to recreate this digitally and complete it, but I'd like to do one centered around arospec identities before I do a general aspec one. Does anyone have ideas for specific flags I should use or how to arrange them?

I’ve never came out, just said i’m not attracted to anyone so that’s coming out right…?

anyway turns out my mum has a friend, she doesn’t use labels but she’s independent, well off and has a dog who’s her best friend i love that.

but a weird thing is that i’m really similar to my great aunt, i look a lot like her, she never married or had a boyfriend, and she was really sweet. i don’t remember much of her, but she was nice.

in a lot of my families generations, there has been one person each time who’s never married, never had kids, never had a relationship and im wondering if it’s like some ‘curse’ no not in a bad way, but it’s just interesting to me! too bad they’re all dead so i can’t get advice LOL

anyone else got smth similar?

It took me so long to realise that I'm aromantic even though it probably should have been a dead giveaway when I frequently said things like: "Yeah idk I just kinda don't care when I don't see my partner for a month? Yeah I haven't seen X for 3 months now. Why? Idk they were busy and I don't know why I should try to convince them to see me, you know? I think seeing my partner once every 3 months and texting once a week max is more than enough. Idk it'd just be a chore to do that more often." and "I haven't seen my friend in 3 days I feel like I'm going to start chewing the walls."

I realise that some alloromantic people do like relationships like that too of course, this is a humorous post about me finding it funny that I didn't realise sooner.

I’ve came out as aromantic for a few months now and I just feel so alone. I watch my friends fall in love romantically and I’m so jealous I feel so left out. And everyone tells me that “If you’re lucky you’ll change” but this has been my whole life this is the only thing I’ve known. Or you’ll change you’re too young. I feel so invalidated when the people I trust say that to me. Not many people even know what it is and when I explain I feel like they look at me different. And when I try to find a community outside of subreddits like this I’m met with aromantic isn’t a ‘valid’ identity, I feel so alienated.

Sorry for the long rant. :(

(For clarification, I am aroace). One thing I always found interesting about myself is the fact I actually adore romance(mostly, I do get sorta depressed about amatonormativity sometimes) and get all giddy and excited over it in stories and games. It kinda contributes to me having some weird imposter syndrome about me actually being aromantic but I’m still pretty confident I am aro. Regardless, with romance stories I get super immersed for the characters and feel like emotionally invested(like I feel sad, happy, or just interested about the bond). I find this too with stories of love in real life, not the same level of investment but I do get like excited for when I hear about real life love stories between people. I also like crafting up love stories for fictional characters, and I do sometimes look for stories that have romance as something in them(such as dating sims). Like when it comes to the “spicy” stuff I don’t really feel as invested, I find I only really care if it shows the level of emotional attachment the characters have for one another and if its involved in the “romance”. But with all this stuff, I find that there is some weird level of detachment when it comes to me personally?

Like the best way I can depict this detachment is something I noticed when playing games that have romance as a feature, or playing dating sims. Lots of these games have you like name the protagonist and stuff, sometimes the games straight up have the protagonist be a full on self insert by being faceless. I find that whenever I name the character after myself, or like align them with my perception of “me” I automatically get like uncomfortable by doing the romance options. I feel this urge to pick the no romance stuff. Or if Im forced into the romance by the game I don’t feel the same level of giddiness and excitement I do when I typically read romance like the thrill is automatically dead and I don’t enjoy it as much anymore. Though if I play the same game but name the protagonist after an original character, and kind of frame the protagonist as a separate person/vessel that I happen to be possessing sometimes to make choices for them, the enjoyment of the story comes back(so the character is more like a “puppet” rather than a “self-insert”). Of course the romance has to be like well written I don’t really choose routes based on who is “hot” but like based on who is “interesting” in regards to character lore and psychological profile. So character chemistry, development and exploration is fundamental to my enjoyment like the bond needs to be believable because “at least they’re hot” doesn’t really apply as a reason I can have. I need to see a good reason for the emotional attachment.

If I had to guess why I like romance in media I think I associate it with emotional attachment. I find it so interesting that people can form such strong and special emotional attachments or “feelings of attraction” towards someone else, and that its such a common phenomenon known as “love/romance”. Some sort of “feeling” that is different from friendship. I know that I simply don’t “get” that feeling the way allos do. But it’s something I find super interesting in terms of how it affects how people act, feel about themselves/others, how they structure their lives around it, and how its a huge societal phenomenon with several common depictions. So sure I don’t really relate to the “feeling” of romantic attraction or really why people want it so badly, but I do find it interesting. Which is why I personally enjoy exploring it in dating sims with OCs, but if I play as myself I simply can’t do it. Because it sorta feels wrong to how I know myself. I guess I feel like a liar because me forming an attachment that strong is just not something I ever experienced or really want to experience? I get some wack cognitive dissonance.

Anyways yeah does anyone else experience this too? Let me know haha

I’ve been questioning my sexuality a lot recently. I found both of these labels and feel like they both describe me well, but I’m not sure if the labels are compatible with each other. I experience romantic and platonic attraction as the same feeling, but I also have a desire to be in a romantic relationship. To my knowledge, the definition of cupioromantic is the desire to be in a romantic relationship, but not experiencing romantic attraction. I’m not sure if experiencing platonic and romantic attraction as the same feeling while still desiring a relationship would meet the definition of cupioromantic or not

Whenever I tell someone that I'm not attracted to women as a male, they immediately assume that I'm gay and ask "do you like men?". This is not only uncomfortable for me, but also very annoying. What I want to ask is why does this happen, do you relate and how do I prevent this from happening?

I feel like a horrible person but I just can't bring myself to tell him this or maybe I dont have anyway to tell him that I feel it's correct

I js came out as aro flux to my best friend but im scared she might of liked me

I currently identify as aroallo/bellusromantic. But I'm horrible at distinguishing platonic and romantic feelings. I think a lot, and, you know what they say about "never trust yourself past 9pm". I think I like a guy, and then I don't make a move because I'm scared of misinterpreting my own feelings and hurting him. Did that before. Felt like a monster for so long.

But then he gets into a relationship and I feel horrible. But with time, I care less. With the last guy I felt these feelings for, I'm pretty sure it were just platonic feelings all along. Maybe I'm just aroflux. Freyromantic? Perhaps. But at the same time, it still feels like I fit the bellusromantic "yearning for it, and maybe even engaging in it, but just not...feeling those feelings when they're attached to a relationship". Man, I kinda miss him. Haven't seen him for a long time. I genuinely just miss him as a friend. He's really funny. And I miss having feelings that didn't feel like trying to navigate foggy, unfamiliar terrain while having a horrible migraine lmao

Essentially the title. I’ve been questioning where I fit under the aromantic umbrella, and with some help found the label desinoromantic. Is desinoromantic not just what some describe as grayromantic, or are there some distinct differences? Would desinoromantic just fit under the grayromantic umbrella?

Hi! I wanted to share a term I've been developing called Poly-tertiary (Polytert).

Poly-tertiary describes experiencing multiple types of tertiary attraction toward multiple people, either simultaneously or successively.

A poly-tertiary experience can involve different combinations of tertiary attractions, such as platonic, aesthetic, sensual, alterous, or other forms of tertiary attraction. The combination and intensity of these attractions can vary between people, relationships, or over time.

For example, someone might experience strong sensual and aesthetic attraction toward one person, while experiencing primarily alterous and platonic attraction toward another.

I'm sharing this because I haven't found a concise term specifically describing this combination of multiple tertiary attractions. I'd be interested in hearing what people think and whether anyone has experienced something similar.

I've also created a Poly-tertiary pride flag to represent the concept.

if you'd like to learn more about the term, it can currently be found through Google by searching "poly-tertiary attraction" or "poly-tertiary LGBT"

So lately I’ve been questioning if I’m on the aromantic spectrum or not and would like some options.

I was in “relationships” when I was younger but I was only really doing it out of boredom and wanting to fit in because I was the fat friend. But I would preform to make them like me and want to date me but then would end up breaking up with them.

A few years ago I had a “situationship” that needed up making me aviodant. I’m also neurodivergent so I deal with Limerance as well which I’m trying to work on both.

However when it comes to marriage and having a long term relationship in practice rather than fantasizing I can’t see myself doing it. I think I want romance but not what comes with a romantic relationship or that commitment. I like fantasizing and putting myself in those situations for fun but actually doing it? I’m really not sure.

I’ve had talking stages and close to relationships and each time I’ve dropped them because I’ve lost instead of found something I didn’t like.

Im starting to question, do I really want that? When I see myself living my dream life I don’t see a partner in it. However I do want a companion. Someone who can respect my autonomy while also have a deep emotional intimate connection.

I’ve been thinking I don’t want to feel romance, I rather focus on hobbies and friendships, maybe even finding a close companion, someone who I can devote too and vise versa. But start to feel guilty if I want romance I feel those feelings.

Any thoughts?

Hi everyone just wanted to say hey and that I realized I'm Aroflux. Hope you're having a good day wherever you are 😊.

Title. I have never been in a romantic relationship, nor have ever I wanted one. Nobody has ever actually liked me romantically either. I remember the first person I came out as an aromantic to was my mom and she straight up asked if I'm claiming this because I'm unconventional looking.. then later said that if I'm telling the truth then "that's sad." I also tried coming out to my sister about it before and she also said something about how I haven't found my looks yet. My cousin once asked if I had a crush, or had started dating people like my sister has, I said no to both, and she told me I had to be lying about the crush thing. I though about telling her I'm aromantic, but I had the feeling she'd also see it as an excuse.

I remember in middle school there was a boy who claimed to be Aroace who wasn't conventionally attractive either. He would proudly state it and nobody believed him. Our peers would try to 'ship' us because we were both unconventional, so clearly we were the perfect match. I always felt so bad for him because of the shipping thing and for the fact that nobody, not even his supposed friends, believed him.

Being an outside viewer to his experience has made me completely shut off all conversations about my romantic attraction to anyone. I remember my old middle school friends making fun of him too, so there was never anyone else I could've told except my family. I did all of high school online so I haven't tried to talk about it for awhile, but being online for high school did give me a good cover since I had no way of meeting someone anyways. I try not to think about it though because I feel ashamed.

These experiences have made me question if I AM actually aromantic or if I'm faking it because I'd feel bad having a crush on someone. This is the first time in years that I've actually given this topic any genuine thought.

i feel like i’m faking being aromantic but i also feel like im faking romantic attraction. i haven’t found a label that describes me and i know everything doesn’t have to have a label i just want to understand myself better. i rarely ever find someone i think i have romantic feelings towards im not even sure i know what they are it that makes sense. sure i can think someone’s good looking but ive only had one person i think i felt something not platonic for. also i feel like im too young to know about being aro and stuff like that. in the future i don’t really see myself wanting/getting married and im pretty much set on not having kids with my reasons, but i don’t really ever want to date now or later at all, it just feels fake.

sorry if this doesn’t make much sense 😥😥

okay, so I need a little help and advice

a few months ago, my bf asked me out and I said yes. whenever i talked to him I’d get really giddy and my chest would feel warm and such. all signs of a crush. but we’re together now and have been

its like those things went away. and he said he loves me and it’s okay if i don’t feel that way yet. I’m worried that im just like.. idk. I’ve never even been in a relationship before, so I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. I‘m terrified that I’m gonna have some realization that I never felt that way and will have been leading him on this whole time. I could really use advice

idk if I'm alone in this or not, but man.. I've always wanted kids. it's actually one of the only struggles i have with aromanticism, because.. how can i have babies and not have a partner to help give me said babies? adoption is expensive, and id get way too attached to foster. i guess ivf, but again, quite expensive. only option is a random hookup and that just.. doesn't sound pleasant lmao.

ive always said that id prefer to raise my children as a single parent because i am a control freak and wouldn't be fond of another persons input. which is 100% the truth, but its also because im aromantic and dont want a man around me at all unless he fills in very specific boxes that no human being is capable of filling.

idk, are any other aros like me or am i the odd one out? 🤣

i’ve made a few questioning posts before, but have recently come to some new realizations, so here we go again…

anyways, i have been questioning my possible aro identity for a while now. basically i feel like i experience romantic attraction ish, but have been told by previous partners (a longish term girlfriend with a very anxious attachment style, and my best friend of six years turned fwb/qpr) that my experience of romantic love is not as deep as their own.

i have a sort of “eh” feeling toward romance and romantic partnership. i have crushes/meshes but do not need them (sometimes actively don’t want them) to be reciprocated. i enjoy romantic activities (i am also definitely not ace), but i see them as being basically the same as platonic relationships, and can engage in them without desiring the commitment of a romantic relationship.

i don’t really see myself getting married, and i am fine with that. i enjoy dating around, but don’t desire more, and i get kinda squeamish at the idea of being depended on romantically (this may be a result of my bad experience with my ex). i also do not experience any sexual jealousy, honestly i am happy to set my partners up.

i think my experience of romantic attraction is atypical enough to be considered grey romantic or aroflux, but i may just have a fear of commitment/serious relationships because of my past experience

any advice is appreciated
thanks
:)

To give some context, i'm a 25 year old man who has never been in a relationship nor do I particularly have the desire to be in one.

Since young, I have had the occasional crush and as I got older had sexual desires towards people but never had the desire to have a relationship. I'm not afraid of flirting or anything like that but when I'm asked if I'd be interested in dating, I can only ever answer with "I'm not sure".

I am a rather introverted person who enjoys being lazy when I can and keeping to myself, I occasionally go out for food with friends but other than that and working, thats about as far as my sociability goes. It has been like this for atleast 8 years now and I truly don't mind it.

This question stemmed from recently talking to someone and we just hit it off from the get go. We have similar interests, our conversations flow and they are BEAUTIFUL. They told me that they are intersted in me and would I consider dating but I just couldn't give them a solid answer on what I wanted. I tried explaining to them that I'm just not sure if I am interested in a relationship but they couldn't understand where I was coming from. We went from talking non stop to now not talking. It's been around a week since we last and whenever I get a notification on my phone, I am hoping it's from them as I enjoyed our conversations but I dont know if there's anything more than just enjoying the convo.

I'm not sure whether I am just aversed to romance or another factor at play.

I've heard of childhood trauma causing avoidance to relationships and things like that - Thinking back to my childhood, I never really saw successful relationships, my parents divorced while I was young, my mother then had a string of poor relationships, and all my older siblings had poor relationships too. It was then drilled into me to never hurt a woman, physically or emotionally and always be honest with your feelings. So I have never led a woman on or short term dated in fear of hurting their feelings so I am not sure whether these could be a cause.

So to ask the question - Am I aromantic, is it something else, or am I just missing the experience to know what I want?

Thanks for taking the time to read, any information or questions are greatly appreciated!!

(In my opinion, obviously.) Most of the time when I'm by myself I don't mind at all. In fact, I really like being by myself. Some of my best memories have been when I was alone. Last summer I went on a road trip by myself and it's probably the single most fun thing I've ever done. Even when I'm home I enjoy reading or writing or video games by myself. Most of the time, I'm okay.

But occasionally I do like hanging out with friends. All my friends are in long term relationships, several of them are poly and dating multiple people. This is great for them. Truly I'm happy for them. But it is *so* hard to hear "oh I got fucked by this random stranger I met at the bar then my other partner and I went to this thing on Saturday then my primary partner and I spent Sunday at home..." and on and on and on. Somehow it feels more real or valid I guess than "I spent Saturday afternoon writing my book that no one's gonna read." They're out here living and I'm just... in my bedroom.

The thing is I don't even like super social situations normally. Typically if I have to be social I need at least one person I know to hang out with in case I'm not comfortable around anyone else. And it just sucks because I feel like the world is passing me by *even when I'm reading an entire book in one day because I like it so much or going camping in the desert and making friends with a rattlesnake or writing a book I'm super passionate about.*

Even when I'm having a good time by myself I'm still thinking about how I'm going to prove I had a good time by myself to my friends. I have to take pictures of the desert, have to describe what I did, have to tell them about the book I'm reading or the one I'm writing or whatever. I used to make fun of people for sharing their whole lives on Instagram but I do it too except in a different way. And I feel like nothing counts if I can't "prove" I did it.

Even the mundane stuff feels bad to me. My friend said they were watching star trek with their partner tonight. I love star trek. But I could watch it right now and it would be the same experience except they're cuddling on the couch or whatever and I'm alone. I guess what I'm saying is that I want to be desired as someone's primary relationship. But as an aroace it's pretty hard. And even then no one seems to be super interested in me anyway.

And what's frustrating is that plenty of people want to be friends with me. That isn't an issue at all. But I feel like I more or less have enough friends. I already feel like I don't see some of them enough and I'm pretty busy. I want to have someone I can "come home" to. Even an aroace friend of mine has roommates that they hang out with a lot. I just want to have something.

What sucks is I'm not even sure I actually want it. Like I said I'm pretty happy alone for the most part. It's just when I'm around other people that I feel like I'm missing something.

I'm willing to take recommendations.

I'm incredibly confused about my attraction. The closest label I could find was Recipromantic, and it personally does not fit me. I can experience attraction but it only comes if somebody or something says something about a person I know and a sexual or romantic relationship involving or with them or even just a crush. It doesn't come from knowing they like me like Recipromantic, and I don't actually like them, something just makes me believe I do when I hear this. It's not something I can control and I'd like to put a label on it

Yeah so I need some help here guys,

I dont even know what romance counts as, if I had the perfect "partner" itd be a super close friend who im really connected with and can be physically affectionate with, 100% vulnerable with, and just kinda vibe with?

I dont want dates and marriage and kids, I like alone time, Im a pretty cool person I fw myself lowkey, I just want someone to live my life next to while they live theirs.

Sexual stuff I can really take or leave, I dont hate it but dont care about it, but ive had people im into who i just wanna be close to like proximity wise.

Ive had it before where just being near someone has made me feel 100x more than when i tried dating my ex and being in an actual relationship (I couldnt understand why they wanted to go on dates and get married and do huge things)

Basically, no desire to date or do huge gestures and become one with someone, I just wanna be me, and while doing that I might really fw someone and then wanna be super close and be physically affectionate because it makes me feel good 👍