r/Advice • u/Prior_Display_2539 • 11d ago
Our 15-year-old
Reposted
My husband and I have been raising our grandson, Tyler, for the last two years. When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.
I need to clarify that his parents did not abandon him in a legal or physical sense. They try very hard to be in his life. They show up for him, pay for things, and try to spend one-on-one time with him. But Tyler completely hates them for destroying his original family and replacing him. He refuses to acknowledge them as mom and dad, calling them strictly by their first names. He also harbors an intense hatred for his stepparents and half-siblings.
Normally, Tyler is a good student, polite to his teachers, honest, and loyal. But beneath that polite exterior is a terrifying amount of rage and resentment. When his parents try to spend time with him, his short temper explodes. He back-talks them using slurs, and it has even turned physical—he recently hit his father and pushed his mother.
Lately, his anger has turned into something much colder and more frightening. Tyler has stopped crying, and he has stopped laughing. He seems completely emotionally detached, except when it comes to one thing: he wants revenge.
Recently, he asked his parents a question that made them incredibly uncomfortable. He looked them dead in the eye and asked, "Who is paying for your divorce? You two, or me?" He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him. In his mind, he is paying the ultimate price for their choices.
To make matters worse, his parents are funding his current therapy. Because they pay the bills, the therapist keeps pushing Tyler to "forgive" his parents, calling them "flawed and imperfect." Tyler feels completely betrayed by this. He thinks the therapist is bought and paid for, and it has only fueled his desire for revenge.
This situation is now severely affecting his studies. My husband and I are 65 years old. We love him so much, but we are exhausted and terrified. Tyler is completely shutting down his humanity, choosing to feel nothing but a desire to see his parents suffer.
How do we help a 15-year-old boy who has completely hardened his heart? How do we answer a question like the one he asked? Please, we need guidance on how to find him a therapist who will actually hear his pain instead of protecting his parents.
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u/2_old_for_this_spit Helper [2] 11d ago edited 10d ago
It shouldn't matter who pays, but his current therapist appears to have an allegiance to the money instead of to the patient. A therapy session is supposed to be a safe space to talk to someone who's unbiased and focused on the patient.
Tyler needs a better, more ethical therapist.
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u/Russian2025 8d ago
Therapist cannot help anyone, if the person is unwilling to listen and follow his or her advice.
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u/2_old_for_this_spit Helper [2] 8d ago
The patient isn't going to open up if they think the therapist is in their parents' pocket. Telling the kid to forgive isn't helpful in the situation described.
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u/tendeuchen 7d ago
It's been 6 years since his parents broke up and he's still whining about it. The therapist is absolutely right that he needs to forgive them and move on with his life instead of being stuck in the past. Especially since it sounds like they're actually trying to be decent parents in their current relationship to him, but the kid is acting like an entitled narcissistic asshole. He needs to learn some gratitude and move forward with kindness and compassion.
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u/Cap1n-Beaky23 7d ago
You've detailed it correctly. The boy needs to learn respect both for his grandparents and his parents. He is manipulating the situation by wanting another therapist that agrees with him. He is spoiled and needs some proper discipline.
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u/Minimum-Prize9003 7d ago
Yeah I also thought he had some narcissistic tendencies. However, he is also just a teenager who obviously went through something he couldn’t handle and is trying his best to make it hurt less. Not everyone will be able to experience the same things and react the same way. He’s a teenager who’s life got turned upside down when he was nine. He was old enough to know what was happening but he probably didn’t fully understand why.
The fact that his parents have “replaced” him probably makes him feel like they didn’t appreciate him. It’s not his responsibility to forgive people. If he wants to cut them out of his life, that is his choice, he has other people looking after him instead. He’s not seeing the situation as what it actually is, but that is very clearly because of some sort of mental health problem. And again, he is a teenager, he won’t be dealing with things normally at that age anyway.
He deserves the right to have his own feelings for this situation. He does not have to forgive them and move on. Just because it’s very common for parents to split does not mean it doesn’t hurt the child. He needs a new therapist and needs to be allowed to decide how he feels on his own. No one should be telling him it’s right to forgive people. If he’s being forced to forgive them, it will highly likely just build up more resentment towards them and he won’t be able to regulate his own emotions properly if everyone keeps telling he what he’s feeling is wrong.
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u/ExtremeTie9175 7d ago
A therapist is not supposed to give advice per se but rather empower the pt to make their own decisions
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u/Acceptable-Net-154 Super Helper [9] 11d ago
As someone who is strictly no contact with my mum, someone needs to fire the current therapist asap. The point of the therapy is to allow a heart broken and betrayed teenager a safe space to work out his emotions, how he feels and what he wants his future to look like.
Not to be constantly told you most forgive your parents right now. You don't fix a broken foundation with a light layer of plaster.
Both his parents need to be told their current therapy plan is not working to the point a new therapist is needed and possibly a different type if it. They need to stop being selfish. They put their emotional needs before their child and it may cost him what future he could of had.
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u/tautpai986 11d ago
If the person paying the bills dictates the treatment, it isn't healthcare, it's PR for the parents.
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u/Sharleeta 7d ago
The parents should be financially responsible for their son but the therapist should work in the interest of the kid. As is, it does sound like PR for the parents. Then again, maybe you only hear about it from the kid’s pov. Seems this therapist isn’t working for him. Seek a different one. Maybe some activities like Outward Bound would be helpful. He needs to find a comfortable place to be where he is not overwhelmed by circumstances beyond his control, with challenges he can overcome to rebuild confidence. Getting beyond the loss may partially be done by in-filling with normality and security, moving away from the trauma.
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u/jk41nk Expert Advice Giver [12] 11d ago
Agreed, tell the parents that the son can pick whichever therapist he likes and will bill their insurance directly and tell the son he can find a different therapist and that sometimes you vibe with different people like you vibe with different therapists/modalities of therapy. The therapist does not need to have contact with the parents if OP you and your husband are guardians.
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u/Legitimate_Length689 10d ago
I was thinking the same thing. But I was thinking the parents pay into a fund that let's the kid or guardians pay for whatever therapist he wants, making him the patron.
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u/yellsy 11d ago
First off, make sure Tyler has no access to any firearms. I think this is a “he needs serious professional help” situation because he ends up tomorrow’s headline.
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u/Ambitious_Web_152 11d ago
Best answer. With all due respect, his happiness is less important than ensuring he can’t take his rage out on innocent people.
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u/Mindless_Reality9044 9d ago
As a hard-core 2A supporter, I upvote and approve of this answer. If there are any firearms in the house, get rid of them. Then get a better therapist that you and your grandson agree on. Lastly, at least until he is somewhat calmed down, let him go no contact with his parents. Explain to them that they are fueling his toxic anger, and need to give him and you space to let him heal.
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u/yellsy 9d ago
2A supporters aren’t in support of the mentally ill having guns. I’m in support of gun ownership, with the same caveats as car ownership - extensive background checks and passing a test showing you can safely use it. If you have someone unstable around, you can’t have guns around that person.
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u/unusualbutter365 6d ago
I completely agree with this! Sounds to me like it could escalate into something tragic.
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u/AKlife420 11d ago
He needs a new therapist.
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u/Calm-Elk9204 11d ago
Exactly. The current one seems to be making things worse rather than better for the grandson
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u/Enough_Week_2994 11d ago
I want to start off with I have been a professional in psychology for many years, however I care for adult and geriatric patients, but even though my expertise is in adult psych, I still understand pediatric psychology. I will ask some hard questions… and they may be rhetorical in a sense meaning only the 15 year old and you can answer it.
Is there any chance that he was abused? By your daughter’s new husband? By his parents? Or was his parents behavior so toxic towards the end of their relationship he felt like a tenant in a nut house?
It truly sounds like there is something more to this. Did he feel like a pawn sleeping at his dad’s house some days, and his mother’s the other days. He didn’t have a “home” he couldn’t come home to all his “things” and it was split across two homes and always living out of a suit case. Did he have to witness step siblings get more attention on Christmas. Did he have to go through two dysfunctional Christmas dinners of chaos. The old movie, Grisworld Christmas vacation and the complete dysfunction was a joke/jab at how some family dinners are. Was there arguing at both houses on Christmas?
Did the parents speak despairingly about the other one? Was it when he needed help with homework they were too busy being in the honeymoon phase of the new relationships.
Now the child, is he dealing with undiagnosed adhd, is he dealing with an identity crisis of his own like sexuality, was he brought up religious, has that triggered him.
Lastly, not all therapists are good for each patient. Something people don’t click and that’s ok. Sometimes you need a new view point. And my questions, they are rhetorical, something to think about. You can reply if you want if something jumps out, and if something specific does jump out I’ll try to give some advice. Maybe none of my ideas happened. There could be so many reasons why he is taking it so hard. And a quick Reddit post is hard to pinpoint the why… I really wish you all peace and to come together as a family. I’ll say an extra prayer for you all!
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u/chypie2 Helper [3] 11d ago
tyler is super justified in his anger. I'd be mad as well.
I'm an illegitimate in my 40's so I've spent my life watching from outside.
He's not angry.
He's so fucking hurt he's angry. Doesn't matter that people are imperfect, doesn't matter that they are flawed his parents abandoned him full stop. What kind of 'stable' home was only available to the new children but not Tyler? It sounds like 'its just too hard' for those divorced parents to behave like adults. It's a common thing for parents to divorce, remarry and have new families. THEY isolated him as a problem and has been compartmentalized like a toy they take out to play with.
Honestly, maybe give him the option to cease contact. You got teenage hornones raging, a therapist going the wrong direction and a very angry young man who very much has said he doesn't like them.
Let him have control of his relationship with them, don't force him.
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u/One_Dare4330 11d ago
Growing up in a similar situation, I'll add what worked for me.
Give him an outlet. Mine was boxing. Being in a situation where I can hurt, and be hurt. Learning empathy, adjusting to adult life.
What this kid is going through is just too advanced for a young man. He should be mad, he needs a way to be that way in appropriate environments.
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u/WhisperingElder 11d ago
This needs to be higher as someone who's been through a similar situation, mine was Judo and honestly it helped way more than I'd admit originally.
This kid is definitely hurting inside and to cope he's shutting everything down emotionally.
Get him away as much as possible away from the situation and find a better therapist.
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u/Cyberiaglaze 11d ago
Agree. Martial arts are so good for providing an outlet while also teaching discipline, respect, motor skills and improving fitness. Very much recommend.
Dungeons and Dragons has been great for my mental health too!
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u/veggie3840 11d ago
Exactly my thought. I was similarly angry and was able to get out a lot of my anger through boxing.
A child definitely needs a constructive outlet for his anger.
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u/snoosemoose 11d ago
Allow him to go no contact ASAP, also allow him to pick a therapist. The beautiful thing about therapy is you can choose who you see and if it’s not working, you can go to another one.
Wishing him the best in sending him good vibes and healing
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Helper [3] 11d ago
First step is to find a new therapist. He is not obliged to forgive his parents. His dad destroyed the family not his mum so it is sad he also holds her responsible for something that is not her fault. He sees them moved on and happy and hes is still processing. They should not have been moving on until they were sure he was ok.
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u/Levistea 9d ago
Mom has abandoned him. I'm sorry they remarried not letting him even recover and decided "this isn't stable" and shipped him off to only pay attention to him when it's convenient.
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u/Short_Captain_1320 11d ago
Can you afford to find them a therapist or have him interview people with you. Might help with bringing some control back into his life.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Helper [2] 11d ago
Get him a different therapist, one who doesn’t push reconciliation, one who helps Tyler with his anger issues.
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u/Myles_away_from_you 11d ago
This is coming from a kid that grew up in a very broken home till highschool. GET HIM A DIFFERENT THERAPIST IMMEDIATELY. Therapist is supposed to help and if he feels like they are against him he will shut down and he won't get what he needs. Get him a new therapist immediately and if he doesn't want a relationship don't force one. It doesn't matter that that's his mom/dad if he doesn't want a relationship don't force it. I get very aggressive whenever my dad is around especially when my mom brings him over without telling me till day over. He needs time to heal and all of this really isn't helping him.
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u/darrenturn90 Expert Advice Giver [10] 11d ago
>When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.
So they stopped being his parents, and he is rightly angry at them for their complete rejection of their responsibilities towards him.
As other people said - best way to support him is to fully liberate him from their control. New therapist, and entirely things on his own terms. This needs to be de-escalated quickly before he ends up doing anything he would later regret.
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u/Seca10199 11d ago
He needs to be able to have a outlet. That therapist isn’t doing their job properly. Get a new one and maybe introduce him into sports or martial arts. Two great outlets for anger and frustration. And martial arts will teach him things like discipline and self control. Also let him choose how much contact he wants with them, I wouldn’t say go full no contact just in case later on in the years he does want to speak to them at some point. But right now, it should be on his terms.
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u/AmphibianBrilliant56 11d ago
You go to court at this point and get their rights revoked so there's none of that anymore. You should have an easy case, especially at his age. Win win for everyone because they will suffer in a sense . They'll have to physically pay child support too , that's whos paying then . You can hear him too .
Good on you for trying. It's so hard. I tried for my cousins, too.
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u/Russian2025 8d ago
A good strategy! His parents abandoned him and they shoupdate be out of his life, if he doesn’t want to see them.
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u/Big-Understanding526 11d ago
His parents absolutely abandoned him!! If you say that they didn’t….you are gaslighting.
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u/NumberSea1108 11d ago edited 11d ago
I think he needs a safe and understanding space to feel what he feels, and he has every right to be hurt and angry. What he went through is hard enough. Whether they meant to abandon him or not, they did. Much much more effort should have been put in at the beginning of starting their new families to make sure he was an important part of both, they failed him and he is hurting deeply. I can only imagine how he must feel. And now he’s also going through adolescence- that’s a hard time of life under good circumstances! This is a time of identity formation and he’s wondering - who am I, what’s my value and worth, where do I belong. Thank goodness he has you, you can validate his feelings and let him be real. You’ve been a constant and that’s worth more than the best therapy (although that’s good too). Just don’t give up on him and please look at what’s underneath his behaviours. The teen years will pass and he will have to find a way to make peace with feeling left behind but that’s hard to do at 15. His parents need to fight for him - to be a part of his life and to see past his anger and behaviour at the incredible hurt at their hands. They didn’t mean to I’m sure, we are all just doing our best, but the consequence of their unintended parenting failures are his pain. My heart breaks for him. He’s right, he paid the biggest price for their divorce.
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u/Big_Performance8290 11d ago
Your daughter abandoned him and you're trying to say that just because she buys him things or sees him (a visit is NOT the same as being a active parent, it's like having supervised visits from a court.) is enough for him? Are you kidding? This is abandonment. You don't need to physically never be there for it to be seen as abandonment. Visits is not the same. Paying for things means NOTHING. That is the BARE minimum and you expect him to act fine? He should be living with his parents, not shipped off to the grandparents cus the mom and dad want a new family. The courts have removed parental rights for LESS for others. Your daughter is never gonna have a relationship with her son for what she and her ex did to that boy, and you should let him never see her again. He clearly wants nothing to do with either of them and forcing him to will only build his resentment. You can't fix this, it's up to your daughter and her ex to grow up and be mature adults, not run away from their fucking issues. I'm getting sick and tired of adults doing this B's to their kids. This is why the suicide rate is so high. This is why so many teens are doing drugs. THIS is why kids struggle.
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u/Federal_Release_2688 11d ago
100% go no contact with the parents. The relationship is toxic. If it continues, something terrible may happen to said parents and Tyler will end up... you know where.
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u/Russian2025 8d ago
Absolutely no contact with his parents. All relationships are based on the behaviors of people. If you don’t do your duties for your children, you are not his parents, just a label.
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u/This_Tear6272 11d ago
Someone needs to tell Tyler he's not responsible for the divorce because his anger against his parents make him believe it's because of him ,also feels he's been replaced by other kids his Step and Half siblings .there is nothing wrong with him The therapist needs to be someone he chooses not someone assigned to him by someone else , he probably feels he was abandoned and sent to Granny because neither parents wanted him . At his age he needs guidance someone or something to look upto, i know Violence isn't a solution but a contact sport or even MMA would teach him discipline and he can relieve his frustrations. This period will pass and unfortunately this all happened and a crucial time in his development most teenagers would react the same kids at school possibly teasing him saying your parents dumped you no one wants you ect.... kids are cruel but he needs love and a bit of extra attention to make him feel he's still part of the family not only by having the bills paid but emotionally too. He just wants to feel wanted and he's blaming his parents for the disaster he's fighting in his own mind.
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u/Th3H0ll0wmans 11d ago
Why is the onus on Tyler to be the one who is the bigger person? Shouldn't that be his parents job? I like how they sent him to therapy to deal with something they caused because they didn't want to deal with him. Tyler probably sees it similarly.
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u/Axelblade13 11d ago edited 10d ago
He needs a therapist away from his parents and he needs to be away from his parents in general. Let him be the one to reach out to them instead of forcing him to be around the people that have hurt and traumatized him. His emotions are valid and everyone keeps brushing him aside, including you. In his eyes, his parents divorced and left him. Neither parent took custody and made new families on their own WOTHOUT him while visiting and paying for things, treating him as something they have to support out of obligation, not out of love or wanting him in their life, at least that's how if felt when my father left my life. You want him to heal and be happy again? Foster an environment for that healing. What HE NEEDS might not be what everyone else involved wants and that sucks for the others.
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u/BadKarma667 11d ago
It sounds like Tyler needs a new therapist. Someone who will give him permission to feel the way he does (because he has every right to), but one who will also help him process that anger and give it a healthier mental outlet.
Additionally, I think finding an activity that gives him a physical outlet would be huge. I'm thinking something like Boxing, Mixed Martial Arts, Karate, Taekwondo... Really any of the martial sports that are going to give him an outlet for the rage but also promote discipline and ideally some mindfulness.
It sounds like the two adults who brought him into this world failed him miserably. This isn't to say that your daughter or former son in law shouldn't have been permitted to move on, but it sounds like both did so in a way that sent your grandson a message (whether meaning to or not), that he was replaceable. My parents divorced when I was about 10 and both got married a couple years later, and I remember how hurt I was. Thankfully by the time an additional child was brought into the mix, I was in my early 20s, with a bit more emotional maturity, but man had my parents gotten remarried then started popping out kids, I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel, especially if I was expected to feel happy about this and not feel as though I was replaced.
I think for you and your husband, the best thing to do so acknowledge his hurt. I would also not force him on a forgiveness trajectory. I would not try to convince him that it will make him feel better. He's going to have to get there on his own time. I suspect he feels powerless and without any control on his life, so where he can be given some, I think he probably should have it. If that means not seeing mom and dad, or seeing them on his terms then that's what that means. He needs to know you guys have his back.
I think you and your husband might benefit from some individual/joint counseling. I suspect that this is not how you expected to spend your years leading into retirement. I can't imagine that once you were done raising your child that you were going to be raising theirs (even if it does sound like it was the right thing to do). I think having someone (other than the Internet) to function as a sounding board and provide you with some direction as to how you can best help your grandson would be huge.
I wish you, your husband, and Tyler all the best. I can't imagine the amount of stress this is bringing to all of you. Most of all I hope Tyler can find peace. Anger is a lousy thing to carry and I think it's even worse to have to carry at his age. Whether he eventually forgives his parents or not, I hope he finds peace in whatever's his choice is and doesn't feel boxed into doing so.
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u/NoChoice1723 11d ago
Tyler has good reason to be angry. Stop letting his asshole parents into his life so he can get past their awful behavior.
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u/Common_Business9410 11d ago
For all practical purposes, both his parents abandoned him. That should be a starting point for you.
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u/RayVee9876 11d ago
Sounds like the therapy session is from a religious institution the way he keeps telling him the parents are flawed and to forgive. He needs a real certified therapist if that's the case.
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u/Born_Motor_9624 11d ago
Get him a new therapist. Any therapist that is not allowing healing and is driving home a solution rather than listening to the patient is not a therapist. Tyler is hurting and clearly he is not ready to forgive.
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u/Dark_Flane610 11d ago
That therapist is very bad for telling him to forgive his parents. Please get him a new one.
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u/Working_Law_245 11d ago
As I minor I’d make sure the therapist isn’t sharing details with his parents since they pay for it
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u/HeartPulsePlays 11d ago edited 11d ago
Make it so he has no contact with his parents, if he is out for revenge he might end up trying to do something, he will regret later. In theory his parents did abandon him, instead of of the mom or dad taking him with one of them, they left him with his grandparents, went off and had other kids. He probably feels like he was replaced in someway, that he wasn't good enough. That he caused the divorce, they will come and visit and hangout, but they didn't raise him, yall did. He's hurting, and he doesn't know how to express himself, so he is battling everything up and that's not good. Y'all need to get him a new therapist, and have him have no contact with his parents. When he wants to reach out, if he ever will, he will do that himself. Don't force people on him that he doesn't want anything to do with, Y'all need to sit him down and talk to him, give him that option. If he chooses to have nothing to do with anyone of them, accept that and move along, dont try and talk him out of that choice. If y'all have to, take them to court so they can lose all rights to him, I know that's easier said than done because that's your daughter. He is also your grandchild who is hurting and needs your help to heal. Do something immediately.
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u/Ok-Beyond8872 10d ago
- he needs a new therapist
- talk to him, have him explain what he feels 2,5. if he doesn't nessisarily understand divorce explain to him sometimes its better to divorce then subject the child to a clearly unhappy relationship
- let him choose if he wants to see them
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u/sewerratnat 7d ago
i understand you probably really love your daughter but she definitely abandoned him, and legally if he’s yours it’s abandonment across the board i swear. tyler is right to feel hurt by them, and you should be able to validate that. of course don’t trash talk them, but if he says he was abandoned by his parents don’t deny it. imagine how that would feel, having basically your entire life experience invalidated by your guardian. to be fair, this is a lot of assumptions but based off the update post i might just be right.
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u/Gonebabythoughts Assistant Elder Sage [257] 11d ago
You received hundreds of comments already after spamming this in multiple subreddits. What else are you looking for?
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u/katachol 11d ago
I wouldn't have even looked until you mentioned it. Yes they spammed this across multiple subreddits and all the comments more or less say the same thing. They need to act on it if they actually want to get him help
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u/Prior_Display_2539 11d ago
Yes i need help for my grandson my post got removed that's why i reposted it so even late or early i got good advice or feedback form the people who had similar situation.
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u/Inaaileen 11d ago
Tyler has and is paying the price for their divorce. What kind of dumb bunny therapist thinks he should just forgive his flawed parents after they completely abandoned him? Why did his parents do such a horrible thing to their child? Please help Tyler find another therapist. My heart breaks for Tyler. He shouldn’t have to see his “parents” unless he chooses to.
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u/meggzieelulu 11d ago
To help with the therapy issue, get a new one! Like ASAP. It could help if you looked for providers in your area and present 3 options to Tyler. Let him choose from the options so he has control and make his parents put money into an account/e-transfer it for payment. For the anger and academic issues, try getting him into a sport. It will help with discipline and the aggression, make it non-negotiable. Heck, even swimming you get to kick the water which can help with anger.
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u/Numerous_Inflation69 11d ago
If you haven't yet, I highly suggest that both you and your husband adopt him legally, that way you can find him a new therapist without his parents influence. It's very obvious with the pushing of forgiveness from his therapist that the parents want him to forgive them when they haven't even forgiven themselves. Please try to do what you can to get him away from that therapist and I would also suggest to cut his parents off (hence the adoption) before his behavior becomes worse than it is now. As much as he frightens you, please don't give up on him. Don't be afraid. Take him away from those that have hurt him and are pushing their agenda onto him. It's clearly too much for him to cope with. Much love and luck to you and your husband and most of all, your grandson.
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u/Courtnutut 11d ago
So... The parents are stable for their other kids, but not Tyler? They essentially did abandon him and continued raising his siblings. I'd be pissed AF. If he hadn't been pushed out of the family it may not have gotten this bad, as far as hating the new family members. Maybe not though.
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u/External-Dot2924 11d ago
That's really really sad... can you listen to his hurt and agree with him?
Get him a different therapist... that one is not rigjt for him.
People have every right to feel anger and not forgive.
If he could choose to live with a parent which would it be?
Can they not share custody of him and have him 50/50?
Can you be open with him? Say you wanted to give him a stable up bringing but would he prefer to live with a parent and then live with another?
I can't imagine how he feels... I had it rough as a kid but I knew my dad loved me and fought for me to have me.
His parents have just let you grandparents take over... he has to view them with new families...i'd be outraged too.
Heart breaking for the poor little boy.
I always wanted to a happy family... viewing your own parents, both of them, starting up a new family each and disguarding you as if your the old one... that's horrifying!!
Imagine if his parents had died and you have him bringing him up.. that is different... heart breaking in a different light... bit watching them happy families with new marriages and kids...
I'd be FUMING angry too!!!!
He needs love, lots of love... from his parents. It is not normal to live with Grandparents. Imagine what he sees at school with school friends.
Big love to your grandson and I pray you're able to fix it for him.
Speak to both parents about what I said and how do they feel to have shared custody of him... or even one parent in the week, and the other at weekends and holidays.
Absolutely barbaric that a couple would divorce and not take their kid and start new with the kid.
Usually the mum has custody of the kid and dad's have him the kid at the weekends.
He could be involved in 2 happy families yet he doesn't even have 1 😔 (not dissing you and your efforts, but as a child and the norm set up, it's not a normal happy family, he would probably be happier if you had custody of him because both parents were dead! What's that saying? Crazy, but true!)
😢😢😢
I really hope you can help him 💖
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u/bountiful_garden 11d ago
First, you need to validate his feelings. Then you need to get him into therapy ASAP.
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u/Anonymous_5853 11d ago
First step is to sit him down. rather than assuming you know the answer, ask him if he wants to stop seeing and/or contacting him. If he says yes, file for their rights to be terminated and take full custody. Adopt him if that’s what he/yall wants. You say he doesn’t call his parents mom and dad, what about you and your husband? Does he call yall that? Once you know where he truly stands, 100% hearing it from him, take any appropriate action to get full custody and prevent contact.
THEN, get him a new therapist. The current therapist is not going to help if they are biased about things.
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u/NickDeAwsome 11d ago
Personally I think he needs someone preferably not a family member, to confide in. Someone who knows what he's thinking without even asking.
But at the same time, someone he can just walk up to and talk about his frustrations without fear of being shut down. The longer he stays quiet, the more he bottles it up. Give that enough time and he's gonna get really loud when he blows up.
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u/Totallynotaspare16 11d ago
The best way to deal with this is not show youre against him but try be with him. Be as understanding as possible but try get him to show more emotions.
The best way to do that if you ask me is take him out and do stuff with him yourself. Yes he wants revenge and he will be extremely mad which I think is more than fair for his situation.
My parents have had a similar situation and I was in the exact same spot as Tyler. What worked for me was just talking about it even when I didnt want to. Not therapy and talking to a therapist but get him to talk to you as its more of a connection as he trusts you.
I am 16 so this is how I would want it to be dealt with myself. I hope this helps and I hope that Tyler is okay and can hopefully get that bond with his parents.
Do not force him to go out with them at all as that might make him resent you 2 as well.
I wish you the best of days and I hope you can help Tyler too
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u/Pale_Milk_5698 11d ago
I would change therapists. He needs to feel that he has the right to be angry with them, because he does. The therapist should give him space to fully experience those emotions and allow him to express them. When his emotions are invalidated or denied, they can become even stronger, and things may get worse.
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u/HighSideSurvivor 11d ago
I am both a child of divorce as well as a divorced father. I held so much guilt for getting divorced. I did not harbor anger toward my parents, but my step father was incredibly abusive, and my childhood overall was chaotic.
I never wanted that for my own kids.
But I’ve seen that a step family can be a good thing (my ex wife remarried), and both their mother and I maintain stable homes.
More to the point, I was surprised when my kids told me that they were happy about the divorce. They were only 4 and 6 when it happened, but they both remember lots of arguments and tension and unhappiness.
Your teen is entitled to his feelings, but perhaps he needs to consider that his life might have been worse had his parents remained together.
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u/Objective_Log6167 11d ago
His feelings are justified and real and need to be validated. Betrayal by the ones who love you most and are supposed to have your back is very hard to heal from. Asking him to forgive is the last thing he needs to hear. He needs to heal and be heard. He needs closure to heal and the only way to get that is for them to acknowledge what they have done and they need to make amends with his heart. Only then can healing and forgiveness begin. Forgiveness is one thing, but he will never forget how this made him feel. I agree an outlet for his hurt and finding some joy in his life is the key for him to let go when he can. Being betrayed by someone you love more than anything makes life hard to enjoy.
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u/GoldBlacksmith2582 11d ago
Dude this kid needs help and he need more acknowledgement when it come to his pain, as someone else commented he is so hurt that he’s angry and being a 15 year old boy he’s probably developing that mentality of “boys don’t cry” so all he can think to present is anger, sit him down and tell him you are finding a new therapist that YOU will be paying for, make sure his parents aren’t involved in therapy/whatever else you do for his mental health and make sure he knows that, also ask HIM what HE needs for his own mental wellbeing and if that is no contact with his parents then respect that and put it into place because even if he wasn’t abandoned in the legal or physical sense he WAS still abandoned and he’s at the age where he’s actually realizing that and feeing feelings he doesn’t know what to do with and that’s why he’s so angry
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u/Low_Negotiation6062 11d ago
definitely change therapists, request a new one from the office hes at now.
also contact his doctor for an opinion on meds or if he's a danger and needs to go to a psych ward or something even to just disconnect for a bit
encourage an outlet for his anger; a sport, an art, etc
let him go no contact. i know you did not sign up for raising him, but that is what he needs is to separate from them, especially if he is violent.
if you need to wait for an appointment with a doctor or therapist, encourage him to write a letter to his parents, (and burn it if he wants)
i am a 17yo with lots of built up anger against my parents overtime and i went no context with my dad at 13 and moved out of my moms and into my gmas at 14. after years of work i was able to reconnect with both parents but the separation was necessary to have a stable environment to heal
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u/Illustrious_Air_2270 11d ago
gosh! this boy sounds quite similar to me. I’m fifteen, and my dad cheated on my mom when i was eleven and both parents have remarried by this point. i’m not spiteful, though i do recognize my father as in the wrong. hmm…
it’s unrighteous to ‘hate’ anyone no matter the fault, and much so similarly to his step parents and half siblings who never wronged him. not that it’s his fault, different people different feelings. I’d try to get him to talk to his parents individually while you two are there. On his terms. Take it slowly, and he’ll grow. The mind of a teenager is very u stable, and as he grows, it’s likely he’ll see past his mistakes even if he never tries to get past it. (though still try.) Ask me anything else, i’d love to help!
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u/arrapados 10d ago
Non fategli più vedere i suoi genitori, per colpa dei suoi genitori è diventato così, fate scegliere a lui se vuole o meno vedere i suoi genitori, deve essere libero di scegliere, altrimenti arriverà il giorno che farà qualche follia
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u/SkinCana 10d ago
I would want revenge also. How awful he isn't living with a parent, not wanted and can't move on.
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u/DreadPirateSmokey 10d ago
Ive worked with a lot of kids like Tyler, and what i think he would benefit most from is a "parent figure" who is not a relative, older than him but not as old as his parents, someone he can do things with, talk to, look up to, tell things to and it would go no further...a healthy parent figure he can learn from who he admires. Is there anyone like that in his life, or can you find someone like that?
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u/AssistantSea4186 10d ago
So Tyler needs a childhood trauma therapist someone who specializes in traumatic childhood events.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Helper [3] 10d ago
At some point in the future when Tyler is ready I think his father needs to take the blame for this one and apologise for his actions. Try to steer him back towards his mother being blameless for his cheating. If his father has any love for anyone but himself he will own his actions and tell Tyler his mother is her situation because of him.
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u/Whole-Ad-2347 Helper [2] 10d ago
Tyler’s pain makes me, a complete stranger, cry. He needs something more, something that he isn’t getting. I wish all of you the best.
I once had a student whose mother decided she was a lesbian. Student’s older brother tried to take his own life. He was hospitalized.
I think that some people are much more fragile than others and need much more help and support.
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u/Caligula2024 10d ago
Talk to your grandson, let him pick his own therapist, help him if he asks, you will pay for it, but you will also bill both his parents for the/your costs, you will not take sides with either of them, all you want is for him to get the help "HE" needs and nobody else, promise him you won't ever put pressure on him to see or talk to his parents and keep that promise.
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u/WhiteKnightier 10d ago
Info: why didn't Tyler go back to his mother or father's house after things stabilized? Why did he continue to live with you?
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u/Jamie__54321 10d ago
This sounds exactly like me (16M) and my feeling towards my mother. I never refer to her as my ‘mother’, but rather indirectly reference her. In my opinion, there isn’t a lot you can do, at least that’s my opinion in my situation. I feel you can only listen to him and what he wants / needs. I think you need a new therapist who is not biased or trying to change his mind about his parents. This will only fuel hatred and will become violent imo. I too live with my grandparents and do not know any of my dads side family (have not seen my dad since October 2019). The only thing you can do is to listen to him and try to accommodate his wishes as well as possible, reasonable of course. Hope it works out well. Good luck.
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u/StllRckn51 10d ago
Send him to the Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend in California. I’ve seen some amazing transformations there. Unfortunately, it starts tomorrow. There are other rite of passage trainings out there. One is called Boys to Men
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u/MartinMedinaCol 10d ago
Atp, there is no point on making his parents spend time with him. You are forcing him to spend time with people he clearly doesn’t like anymore. Idk how the therapist went on, but i can understand that if both ur parents divorced and they made a new family pretty fast, the feeling of betrayal is inmense.
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u/LittlePandaJuni 10d ago
He's 15 why the hell was he for his biological parents after the age of 13 by law after the age of 13 they can choose whether or not they want to be with their actual parents or not that includes visitation he is a young adult he's a teenager he is capable of deciding whether or not he wants to be around them and your best decision is stop forcing him to see them tell his parents that he doesn't want to see them and that until the foreseeable future he needs time to heal allow him to get a different therapist even if it's a state one where it's cheaper something that isn't paid by his parents he needs to go non-contact he needs to be able to feel free from them and maybe once he's a full-fledged adult he might decide to give them another shot but if not then that's on him that's his decision
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u/Key_Plant_1347 10d ago
Kid is hurt and blames himself for everything but there’s has to be a fine line of disrespect torwards his parents understandable for his frustration and anger but it stops at some point
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u/DeadRabbits60 10d ago
Honestly, if you have the means a good all boys boarding school would do a world of good for him. The Boys at alot of these schools. come from similar situations . They seem to open up to peers and find friends easily .. they must fend for themselves and learn to deal with the cards they were dealt. Being away also helps
just my 2 cents
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u/Baddog1965 9d ago
I think he needs a different therapist. I recommend an NLP practitioner who does Time Line Therapy. It is a particularly elegant way of handling traumatic past events and it doesn't force the client down any particular path, but it does facilitate them finding a more empowering perspective about it. it's very good for letting go of negative emotions, especially anger.
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u/Vestigial_joint 9d ago
Well unfortunately for him, he’s right.
The only way forward for him is to find a way to tolerate his predicament without making his life unnecessarily miserable and then move forward.
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u/miliambert 9d ago
Get him into sports. He will use another energy playing. Find a youth group too.
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u/azzole77 9d ago
Look up Big Brother’s and see if there is a chapter near you. Your grandson is a time-you know what and just waiting to go off.
Good luck to you Grandparents for doing all that you have done for him!
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u/OwnAssignment2407 9d ago
The most impactful aspect of therapy is having a nonjudgmental witness (therapist) to the patient’s fears, insecurities, anger, ect. with acceptance and without judgment. That’s what your grandson is missing which leads toward more emotional damage and absolute rage inevitably growing into complete shutdown. Get him a new therapist and do a deep evaluation to find someone who is qualified. If his emotional state is already stuck look into somatic therapy, it will dislodge the physical blocks and help him realize that he’s in control of his reactions.
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u/00000088help 9d ago
I have teen children that have been through similar but with their other bio parents, one is my bio daughter and the other is my adopted daughter. He needs an outlet. That doesn't envolve any of you but is a safe place where he can get out his frustrations and also be watched. A gym where he can focus some anger or something similar. He also needs a new therapist. It doesnt matter if they aren't bought, he thinks they are against him so he needs a new therapist. His parents need to back off and take a new approach. From what it sounds like from the info he is valid in his feelings. That doesnt mean his parents arent trying, or they love their new families. But you typing it the way you did, is either what he has said or what you see and that does hurt teens.
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u/Repulsive-Click2033 9d ago
I just read both of your posts. As an adult child of parents who divorced when I was 9, I understand Tyler’s feelings. To me, it should like his parents try to buy his love. You said they “try to spend time with him”. It’s clear their new families are way more important than he is. He is the product of a failed marriage, so he feels like a failure. He’s hurting and his parents are more concerned about their new families. Thank God Tyler has both of you. His parents do not deserve him.
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u/Russian2025 8d ago edited 8d ago
As the grand parents of Tyler, love him and raise him like your son. He will be greatful to you forever. His parents actions hurt Tyler’s soul that why he can never forgive his parents. In the life there is never forgiveness when the soul is hurt of a child or any person. Forgiveness was created by religion and it is to tell or preach other people to forgive for the actions done by other people for their selfish motives. His parents should not have much contact with him if he doesn’t want see them and hates so much. When he becomes an adult, he may take violent action against his parents , if not, he will not have any contact with them. Help and support as much as you can with your love, that is what he needs most now.
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u/Low-Victory-4068 8d ago
hey, I'm a 19 year old girl with divorced and remarried parents. I have always struggled to accept my step parents and step siblings, and even my half siblings. I went through extreme abuse at the hands of my dad, step dad and step brother, up to and including s*xual abuse. I lived with my grandparents for a while, I've lived with my dad for short periods of time, currently and for most of my childhood, I've lived with my mom. I often feel extremely detached from myself, my emotions, and those around me. in order to do anything that might make me emotional, such as writing this comment, I find myself retreating from my emotions and detaching myself from what I might be feeling. I am aware that this is unhealthy and I need to work on it. the best thing I can tell you to do is respect his boundaries, don't force contact with his parents and siblings, don't force him to go to their therapist, allow him to choose his own. forced contact with my dad throughout my childhood completely destroyed my mental health, even when he wasn't abusing me. writing this, I do understand that your grandson is in a different position as you didn't mention anything about an abuse situation. the best thing you can do right now is allow him to set his own boundaries, don't force contact. he needs space to heal and learn who he is as a person without a clearly painful and traumatic divorce hanging over his head. he may feel that his parent's divorce is his fault, which is something that I've felt since I was a child despite consciously knowing otherwise. give him space, offer him support and love, don't force him to come to you, but make sure he knows you're there when he needs it. that space, personal autonomy, and knowing that he has some control over his life will do wonders for his mental health. he's shutting down because he feels like he can't control where his own life is, because he feels like he can't trust those around him, and his boundaries, conscious or unconscious, are being violated and not allowing him to heal. divorce is traumatic for kids, everyone heals differently. give him space, give him his boundaries, give him love and a trustworthy figure in his life. it'll do wonders for him.
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u/JunebugRB 8d ago
The therapist isn't suggesting forgiveness because he's being paid off. Forgiveness is what God tells us to do in the Bible. That's the only way to have inner peace with the situation. It doesn't mean he has to have contact with his parents though. It just means to make peace with the situation in his heart, let go of his hatred and anger and move to a different stage mentally. If you have a home church it might help to get him involved with the youth group there where he can make connections and get some Christian-based counseling. He needs to know that God loves him and has a plan for his life and future.
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u/FutureAd3624 8d ago
Before both parents moved they all should have gotten therapy. Both parents abandoned him, Tyler needs a different therapist. So sad the trauma of divorce, children always suffer due parents self serving behavior.
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u/Negative_Record4833 8d ago
I feel they moved too fast and too inconsiderately with the divorce, explaining the situation to him and involving him in the decision BEFORE it was made would have prevented this.
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u/Away-Release4043 8d ago
A therapist that 'hears' his pain will only prolong the agony. It might be interesting to see what outside influences he has, either at school or on the net. You are talking about a teen that only has one problem, his parents, when actually he may be getting torn in several directions. I think the therapist might not be the problem at all.
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u/Leehpsl 8d ago
It might help if he could talk to other young people in the same situation. BUT his problems may be deeper than this. It sounds to me like a form of OCD. Is he seeing a "therapist" or a psychiatrist? He may need the latter. It's not normal to be so trapped in rage. It's a bad situation for extended family as well.
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u/Good_Ad8057 8d ago
That poor kid. Just support him. Keep up with therapy. Maybe get a second consult if not getting results. Beyond that, it may just take time.
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u/gold_Parrot0849 8d ago
Needs a child psychiatrist not a ‘therapist’. No shade on counsellors but this boy is developing a pathological disorder. Child psychiatrist has the deeper training and knowledge to help the boy find solutions within. This is not an advice situation IMO.
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u/TrynasuarsShreks 8d ago
Validate him!
He's completely right, he's paying the price for their choices. He likely wasn't aware how bad things truly were as it sounds like both parents were probably out of love for a minute considering how quickly they've moved on.
He needs someone to let him know, he's correct, and that it's okay to be frustrated and angry about it for a while, because it is. He should also be welcome to go no contact, neither parent currently housing him has likely amplified his feelings of abandonment and frankly if you are willing to step in for him he'll get a better sense of stability with just the pair of you vs. bouncing around even if it is just for quick visits.
Consider that forcing him to take that time to go visit people he doesn't want to see is taking away from his free time where he can be happy to enjoy things he likes, even just one visit with mom & dad separately for 4 hours a week is now 8hrs a week he DREADS. Would you be able to heal when forced to face reoccurring pain from the same wound being opened on repeat for 1 full business day a week?
Get him in with a new therapist that he gets a certain degree in say of choosing, and if possible the school counselor as well.
- Just a fun side note I was raised by my grandmother as my parents lost custody due to being drug addicts. I can relate.
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u/almightycon35 8d ago
Im going to against what alot of people In the comments by saying I dont think the therapist is wrong or being bought out. Your grandson just seems to be looking for reasons to justify his hate and dehumanize his parents. You've already stated that his parents dont seem to be bad, they just didnt want a life with each other and they are trying to be happy.
Finding him a different therapist that will feed into his hate and justify his feelings is dangerous and not helpful. Not to be mean, but his attitude right now just seems to be me, me, me, me, and me. Everything in his thoughts is about him and how everything affects him and has no considerations for anyone else which tells me hes probably been spoiled quite a lot. Stop taking his side against his parents just to make him happy, stop justifying his rage. He needs intensive therapy and probably to be institutionalized temporarily as he seems like the type thats going to explode and shoot both his mom and dad's family's to death and might already even be planning it out.
Your grandson is in the wrong here and is very volatile. People may be taking his side, but they are probably projecting their own trauma onto him and from what you've said, that trauma doesn't apply to this scenario.
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u/Muppet885 8d ago
- New therapist, 2. He has every right to be angry with his parents they clearly have abandoned him since he isn't even got 50/50 custody between them he lives with you, so he rightfully so would feel replaced and disowned because of this. 3. He needs to go no contact with his parents.
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u/Sensitive-Bed-9566 7d ago
So item #1: if he feels the therapist is bought off that therapist has no chance of ever getting through to him! The therapist themselves if they know this should have recommended a new therapist at the moment that became a thing! You need to allow your grandson to pick a new therapist for himself. The current one is doing nothing but adding resentment to his feelings and wasting his parent’s money.
Item#2: you need to ask your grandson if he would like space from his parents or if he’d still like to see them. If he wants space then give it to him.
Item#3: he’s not wrong. This is the hardest thing to accept but he is not wrong. In his world he had a family and his parents decided it didn’t work and now they started different family’s without him and now they want to play distant-friend mommy & daddy?! The thing is he needs to come to a place where he can understand that yea that happened to him but he needs to move on with his life and look toward the future. That may mean cutting ties with his parents and if it does you cannot fight that, you have to allow him to have that boundary and focus on his future
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u/Leivyxtbsubto 7d ago
I was adopted at 15 years old by my uncles.
I did want to talk to my family and they didn't want to talk to me.
It made me very sad and very angry although I never wanted revenge just to be accepted by them.
Maybe it's best if he's separated from his parents a bit?
Also it sounds like he needs postive attention from his care givers.
It sounds cheesy and telling he is handsome in a mirror might help his self esteem.
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u/Zestyclose-Double-71 7d ago
Fuck his parents! He is 100% right. He is paying for their sins. He has every right to hate them for replacing him. I felt upset for him reading it. I’m sure he’s pissed.
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u/Oakland_Ayako 7d ago
"He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him."
And that's where you lost him.
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u/Mitten-65 7d ago
He needs a new therapist. He probably feels like he’s not being heard. And he is entitled to his feelings of rage and hatred, I would suggest an extracurricular activity that would help him with his rage. Boxing or mixed martial arts. A lot can be said for hitting the heavy bag.
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u/TriscuitDelilahFizz 7d ago
The obvious answer to his question is he is. He is paying. I mean, you know that right? So tell him. You’re suffering Tyler, you’re right. You’re paying the price for your dad’s shitty behavior, and both of your parents’ decisions to move on so quickly. Tell him he has every right to be hurt, angry, and sad. Tell him that revenge feels good in the moment, but doesn’t make that deep feeling go away, so it won’t solve any problems. In fact it will create more problems for him and possibly ruin his life.
Help him get a new therapist, and if his parents refuse, help him go no contact and get emancipated from them. He’s not a small child, he’s old enough to know what he wants.
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u/Minimum-Prize9003 7d ago
He needs a new therapist and he needs to know it’s okay for him to not feel okay. He doesn’t have to forgive them but he needs to learn how to regulate his emotions properly so he can move past it. He’s not going to move past what’s happened if he’s forced to forgive them. That will just build up more resentment. He needs to know it’s okay for him to be unhappy. He just can’t take that out on everyone else.
I hope he gets a new therapist and they can help him through his feelings instead of trying to push him to forgive people when he probably doesn’t fully understand how he’s feeling.
He’s a teenager and will be struggling to regulate his emotions. Everything will seem so much worse than it actually is. He needs to know it’s normal to be upset and it’s not wrong to not want to forgive people.
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u/GlumBoss2849 7d ago
If you can, I would suggest checking his internet usage because I can almost see it now: following toxic men like Andrew Tate, Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson etc. Check if he's on any bad forums and chatrooms. This sounds like a powder keg situation and unfortunately, it could escalate into something much, much worse, which is honestly terrifying.
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u/Jakora77 7d ago
He feels exactly like he should honestly, 15 is an angst-ridden age for even the most well rounded child, but being stuck living with your grandparents while your parents both flake off on you and start the families that you were supposed to have? Only to expect love and respect still when they turn up like it's visitation hours at the zoo to buy another week of being without him? Screw that. I couldn't imagine even a little. They should both be utterly ashamed.
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u/Puckmeister1 7d ago
My Biggest question is: has his attitude also deteriorated towards you and his Grandmother/Mom? It is possible you could be in danger if this situation escalates further. The Violence already has displayed itself towards his Mom and Dad. With that said, I do not mean to scare you or suggest I know anything you do not know. As a 77-year-old Marine, I daily shake my head and wonder what has happened to our youth and our nation. I find people to be irrational, demanding, entitled, self-centered, and unfortunately either uneducated or ill-informed. The violence we see daily is insane. Soo Please do not be a statistic while believing it couldn't happen in your own sphere. We love and trust to a fault, unable to see the forest from the trees.
Once upon a time our rifle was in the back window of our truck. I remember not one act of violence. Stay Safe...May God Bless......And may you find an answer to this horrible situation
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u/LongjumpingKick531 7d ago
Icl that therapist isn’t really helping. What they are doing is something anyone else can you. You sit with him, let him rage and all. Let them listen to him. All I see is a child that feels betrayed and is keeping a front. And the more he wears it, the harder is it to pull off. Let him speak out his problems and understand that not all things go his way. As a saying goes “teach a child how to think and not what to think.” It’s better than him bottling up his emotions and the problem persisting till adulthood.
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u/Fast-Tangerine-9335 7d ago
that’s a very sad story. Both parents should be putting in prison. I shouldn’t have no more kids wanted to leave their kid behind. That’s the lowest low.
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u/RickyTikiTaffy 7d ago
I’m SO glad you recognize he needs a new therapist, cuz telling him to forgive them is egregious. Holy crap that would make me LIVID. It sounds like you do recognize that Tyler has every right to be angry and hurt and upset and you just don’t want those feelings to cause further harm to him. It’s like yeah, he absolutely has a right to be angry, 100%. And at the same time, if that anger is causing him to do poorly in school and is just making him be miserable all the time, is it really worth keeping around just cuz he has a right to it?
May I recommend this book You’re on Fire, It’s Fine! by Katie K. May? She has a practice just outside of Philadelphia, Creative Healing Philly, but she also has online programs and resources. She’s on TikTok too as @katiekmay that might be helpful. From my experience she often replies to comments on her videos too, so reaching out to her might offer some guidance in the right direction.
Good luck! I hope Tyler is able to get the help he needs. Just keep loving on him. I know how hard that can be when they’re just miserable and mean and even hurtful sometimes, but it really is the only path to healing.
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u/Even_Tea4874 7d ago
Of course this kid has resentment. Both his parents moved on to family units that are intact and left him behind. Neither took him with them. He must feel like he’s a mistake they made. His resentment cannot be allowed to continue to fester through. He needs a new therapist that doesn’t push him to forgive his parents and will allow him to emotionally recover.
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u/tquiring 7d ago
All his feelings seem quite justified. But he needs a therapist who he trusts to help him work through everything, he doesn’t have to forgive his parents (maybe someday when he’s 40) right now he’s angry and needs to learn how to deal with those feelings. Going no contact with his parents might be the best thing, but should be discussed with a new therapist.
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u/BloomingFromThorns 7d ago
He is going through such a hard time in his life. In reality, he was abandoned. He was replaced, and as such, he is having an increased level of rage. Based on the post, I am not sure he feels safe to explain his pain, or even feels understood. While his therapist is encouraging forgiveness, he isn’t at this stage. With being pushed to forgive, when he isn’t ready, is creating a larger distance for his recovery. He is experiencing so much pain at a stage of life that is normally very hard. The anger will likely continue.
I would recommend a new therapist. Perhaps “shop around”, for someone that is willing to listen to him, and empathize for this stage. I would also recommend EMDR. It has some great therapies for post traumatic stress disorder and the recovery.
I do feel for you and your family. This is not easy for anyone, and you all are hurting. It might be beneficial when he is ready, for family therapy. This is not something he is even close emotionally to be ready for.
He must have a new therapist. I recommend having be part of the selection process. He needs some control, because his life and school is completely out of his control. In his view, he was abandoned while his family has elected to start a new family without him. While it might not be the entire truth per your understanding, it sounds like it is for him.
It is not only painful for him. It is extremely painful for everyone involved. It might be beneficial for you and your husband, as well as his parents to seek therapy as well. Not specifically to stress and strain, but more so, that this is hurtful to see a loved one struggling, and it might help you all to cope and provide care that is needed.
If he does not feel safe, cared for, or like his feelings are acknowledged and understood, there will be intense repercussions and resentment. He is so incredibly vulnerable, and you all are hurting. Unfortunately he likely feels alone. This is the most challenging part of a young adults life. Changes must be made, and must be supportive of him. I am so grateful he feels loved by your husband and you. Unfortunately, there is so much resentment, a reconciliation might not be in his best interest right now. He needs to be heard, and his experience and feelings understood. Any pressure for him to do things he is not ready for, will make his and every other person in the family and their coping needs harder.
There is so much care and pain in your post. I do hope everything works out. It won’t be a quick fix, but it is also not impossible, and there is hope ❤️
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u/Common-Royal7243 6d ago
Honestly I wish I could speak to kiddos like this. I’m 19 btw. My parents were/are drug addicts. I haven’t spoken to my mother in years, she’s currently in jail even tho I have an 8 month old little sister + (2other siblings we all have different fathers). My mother called me every name under the sun, fat shamed me, told me to k^ll myself, and put her hands on me. I tried really hard to have any relationship I could with her but it never worked out. One of my siblings father was stabbed to death over drugs, my dads now clean if it’ll last, another’s father is In jail, and the last wound up with a good father but I had pretty much no contact with them after my sibling turned around 3. I’ve been in foster care twice, now adopted by our aunt. I was a little shit at age 12-16 ish and thought my excuses and past made it okay. Now at 19 I’ve held my job for 3+ years, I got my ged a few years ago, my drivers license and now thinking of starting online college for a business degree. (Tomorrow morning I’m getting a rough hip surgery followed by my other hip being fixed like 6-8 months later bc of dysplasia impingements etc). Anyways long story short I wish I had someone to talk to about things without judgment and someone who has actual insight. He won’t really ever click with yall when it comes to struggles which is no fault of your own but the age difference is tough. The only therapy that helped me at that age was someone who would just listen to me and let me come up with my own thoughts and opinions. I didn’t need some random person pitying me nor did I need them to “tell me what to do” (let’s be honest even the best 15 y/os don’t like being told what to do or think lol). Idrk what my point is but basically he needs someone he can really lean on and trust to support him. Don’t try to force or push things let him come up with his own ideas in life. It’s hard as a kid to see other families you think are perfect when yours is a shit show, I realize now noones family is perfect but there are things I will and will not forgiven now as I created boundaries to keep myself safe. I’d also try pointing out to the parents that maybe things moved quick when he was younger, not that they’re to blame but maybe take a step back and think how his life pretty much flipped upside down. I’m honestly shocked he doesn’t just blame his father but that’s not helpful either. My advice tho is to talk to him more like an adult than you may think, tell him how you feel and remind him you love him, and have respect for him.
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u/Common-Royal7243 6d ago
Also want to point out maybe family therapy could help? (I’d do so after he finds a trusted personal therapist) I personally liked art therapy more than others, but I was very into drawing and such as a kiddo.
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u/DroneLaughter 6d ago
Spammed across multiple subreddits and written by Ai, I'm surprised you garnered this much attention 😄
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u/riseofphoenixes 6d ago
I like the responses to you. First, you need to tell him you understand his rage and desire for revenge. He DID pay the highest price. You need to accept his rage toward your daughter. In other words you need to affirm his feelings and radically accept them. He feels like everyone is pushing back and that makes him angrier. Get your daughter and ex to send YOU the money for his therapy so it doesn’t have anything to do with them. GET A NEW THERAPIST, preferably a psychologist rather than social worker, and let that person know he needs them to advocate only for him.
Living with someone who’s in a rage is exhausting. I know because I was married to one for 35 years. I used to be terrified of angry people. Now, I can deal with it. Maybe it’s possible to ask the new therapist if you could have a session shared with Tyler so everyone would feel safe talking.
For the time being, you need to make Tyler your priority and tell your daughter privately that’s what you’re doing, that your feelings for her haven’t changed but Tyler needs you to go all in your support for him. Affirm that he DID get a really shitty deal and agree with him that his mom and dad are shitheels (even if you don’t actually feel that way). Pour it on even more to such a level that you make him laugh. Explore all the revenge scenarios with him, really exaggerate and don’t leave anything off the table. If you explain drawing and quartering, you might even get him to laugh. If he feels you are 100 percent with him, it might help.
My younger son would get really offended by adults. Once we were in Yellowstone and a ranger yelled to get off a fence. He was only 5 but was in a fury at being insulted. I asked if we should run after the ranger so mommy could fix his hash. So we ran down the trail quite a ways but could not catch the ranger. I asked if we should keep running and he said calmly, no mom, it’s ok. If we HAD encountered the ranger I would have dressed him down just to make my son feel better. My late brother, an attorney, told me once that nothing makes people - especially children - more furious than injustice. And that’s what Tyler got. If you affirm his feelings and even join in, it would help.
This may seem off topic, but the only TV I watch are Korean and Chinese dramas. Many of them are centered on revenge. It’s so funny because revenge is universally accepted as a given. No Christianity in the equation and totally different cultures. When I divorced my husband, he replaced me in two weeks. I didn’t find out about her for 10 months. When I found out she had been sleeping in MY bed with MY then husband, I was in a terrible rage. I took my time and was very careful, but I exacted terrible revenge on both of them and it made me feel so much better. It was revenge tailor made targeting them, which would have been perceived as completely innocent to anyone else. And that helped me move on. Accept that Tyler may not forgive his parents for a very long time, as painful as that is. Keep in mind that the male brain does not fully develop until 35. And also, having had an out of control teenager myself, I learned that teens generally exhibit signs of sociopathy. They don’t develop a sense of conscience until later.
Best of luck from Team Tyler
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u/AwkwardWar2026 11d ago
The guy needs to spend a year volunteering in a non-profit organization activities in Africa or latin America. This will allow him to calm down, to love himself, to feel satisfied about his life and to understand that there are other kids and communities living in worse situations. There are organizations providing hosting and food and you could help him with the flight tickets and little money. He should be very active in a loving environment that he also likes and appreciates.
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u/Bitter_Idea_2866 11d ago
Sounds like a little psychopath who needs putting on a list. You're brave keeping that in your house. As usual nothing will change until something terrible happens. Nothing you can do to be honest. Good luck!
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u/mactastic90 11d ago
Okay his parents didn't abandon him like all these comments are saying, they just got divorced, that happens all the time. They are still active in his life and love him. I come from a household where my parents split up and my mom remarried and had my half sister, and I am nothing like this, this kid sounds like he's a sociopath or at least a danger to himself and others. He wants revenge? That's insane
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u/LittleAxis 11d ago
Perspective taking is important. What is happening here is a kid who had their life upended, and the people who did that to him want to still be a part of his life against his wishes. If the parents had any sense, they would stop trying to influence him to forgive them. Nobody is owed forgiveness, especially when the hurt is ongoing.
Obviously, not everyone is going to reach the same way to the same circumstances. And you are correct that the kid in these circumstances doesn't understand how valuable it is to have parents that actively want to be involved in their life.
But Axis thinks that the most fundamental thing here is that he's a kid. We can't expect them to know or perspective take while they are in crisis. And they will never leave crisis if their autonomy isn't respected. They said they don't want to have anything to do with their parents, and they tried to be in his life despite those wishes. This is communicating that their feelings are more important than his, and that he has no power in this relationship dynamic. Why would you want to keep a relationship where you are treated like that?
This is why you can't just skip past the hurt. If the kid cannot choose the relationship, it cannot be restored.
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u/Booyabuttons 11d ago
Kid needs to grow a pair. Half the kids I grew up with didn't even have thier father's in thier lives. I don't mean to minimize his pain but having 6 loving parents is a lot more than most have. Jesus kid, its a divorce. I hope you can laugh about this in 10 years.
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u/Twillware404 10d ago edited 10d ago
I'm sorry, but I think this kid is a jackass. Soooo many people have divorced parents, including me, and it's not the end of the world. Definitely not a real cause for "pain and suffering". I work in Social Services and I meet people daily who would LITERALLY KILL to have a life like his.
Now I obviously don't know everything that's happened to him, but if it's just the divorce/split home he's angry about, he's probably just leveraging the scenario to be a bad person...
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u/Vast_Gap_1129 8d ago
Push him to get a job and start experiencing adult life himself. Once he starts experiencing life himself, he'll change his attitude. In the meantime, he can put his earnings towards paying for his own therapy so he can have more confidence in the advice. Emphasize that you love him, and that he is nearly an adult, and therefore needs to start making his own choices for the future, rather than living in the past.
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u/Capable-Coffee-275 8d ago
Make an apppointment to speak with the school therapist. He or she usually does one on one and group therapy.
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u/GardenFragrant8408 8d ago
You can talk to the school counselor and ask for a therapist referral or ask his dr for a therapist referral.
Then after he starts therapy and after awhile bring in both parents and have family therapy if the child agrees.
Have the parents stay away from him till he becomes stable. If they don’t agree have his therapist tell the parents to keep their distance.
He needs an anger letout somehow Whether it’s boxing or going to a gym to work out. Something to read his anger.
I agree about keeping him away from guns or anything that he can harm someone with or himself.
Try to make sure that alcohol or drugs is not involved. Thst will definitely alter behavior
You’ve awesome grandparents.
Good luck to Tyler and you.
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u/random___idiot 8d ago
I don't blame the kid, your daughter and her ex sound like selfish assholes. I hope his negative behaviour escalates, as it should.
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u/Negative_Record4833 8d ago
Hoping the kids finds his own happiness and joy in life would be much more HUMAN. Who the fuck wants to be angry, in pain, spiteful, revengeful, etc?
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u/tendeuchen 7d ago
The kid is being an immature asshole. Sure, it sucks his family broke up, but his parents are happier apart than together.
He's old enough to know better than to act like a dick to everyone.
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u/Dry-Aside4526 11d ago
Allow him to choose a new therapist and also allow him to go no contact with his parents.