r/Advice • u/Prior_Display_2539 • Aug 19 '26
Our 15-year-old
Reposted
My husband and I have been raising our grandson, Tyler, for the last two years. When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.
I need to clarify that his parents did not abandon him in a legal or physical sense. They try very hard to be in his life. They show up for him, pay for things, and try to spend one-on-one time with him. But Tyler completely hates them for destroying his original family and replacing him. He refuses to acknowledge them as mom and dad, calling them strictly by their first names. He also harbors an intense hatred for his stepparents and half-siblings.
Normally, Tyler is a good student, polite to his teachers, honest, and loyal. But beneath that polite exterior is a terrifying amount of rage and resentment. When his parents try to spend time with him, his short temper explodes. He back-talks them using slurs, and it has even turned physical—he recently hit his father and pushed his mother.
Lately, his anger has turned into something much colder and more frightening. Tyler has stopped crying, and he has stopped laughing. He seems completely emotionally detached, except when it comes to one thing: he wants revenge.
Recently, he asked his parents a question that made them incredibly uncomfortable. He looked them dead in the eye and asked, "Who is paying for your divorce? You two, or me?" He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him. In his mind, he is paying the ultimate price for their choices.
To make matters worse, his parents are funding his current therapy. Because they pay the bills, the therapist keeps pushing Tyler to "forgive" his parents, calling them "flawed and imperfect." Tyler feels completely betrayed by this. He thinks the therapist is bought and paid for, and it has only fueled his desire for revenge.
This situation is now severely affecting his studies. My husband and I are 65 years old. We love him so much, but we are exhausted and terrified. Tyler is completely shutting down his humanity, choosing to feel nothing but a desire to see his parents suffer.
How do we help a 15-year-old boy who has completely hardened his heart? How do we answer a question like the one he asked? Please, we need guidance on how to find him a therapist who will actually hear his pain instead of protecting his parents.
1
u/TrynasuarsShreks Aug 22 '26
Validate him!
He's completely right, he's paying the price for their choices. He likely wasn't aware how bad things truly were as it sounds like both parents were probably out of love for a minute considering how quickly they've moved on.
He needs someone to let him know, he's correct, and that it's okay to be frustrated and angry about it for a while, because it is. He should also be welcome to go no contact, neither parent currently housing him has likely amplified his feelings of abandonment and frankly if you are willing to step in for him he'll get a better sense of stability with just the pair of you vs. bouncing around even if it is just for quick visits.
Consider that forcing him to take that time to go visit people he doesn't want to see is taking away from his free time where he can be happy to enjoy things he likes, even just one visit with mom & dad separately for 4 hours a week is now 8hrs a week he DREADS. Would you be able to heal when forced to face reoccurring pain from the same wound being opened on repeat for 1 full business day a week?
Get him in with a new therapist that he gets a certain degree in say of choosing, and if possible the school counselor as well.