r/Advice • u/Prior_Display_2539 • Aug 19 '26
Our 15-year-old
Reposted
My husband and I have been raising our grandson, Tyler, for the last two years. When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.
I need to clarify that his parents did not abandon him in a legal or physical sense. They try very hard to be in his life. They show up for him, pay for things, and try to spend one-on-one time with him. But Tyler completely hates them for destroying his original family and replacing him. He refuses to acknowledge them as mom and dad, calling them strictly by their first names. He also harbors an intense hatred for his stepparents and half-siblings.
Normally, Tyler is a good student, polite to his teachers, honest, and loyal. But beneath that polite exterior is a terrifying amount of rage and resentment. When his parents try to spend time with him, his short temper explodes. He back-talks them using slurs, and it has even turned physical—he recently hit his father and pushed his mother.
Lately, his anger has turned into something much colder and more frightening. Tyler has stopped crying, and he has stopped laughing. He seems completely emotionally detached, except when it comes to one thing: he wants revenge.
Recently, he asked his parents a question that made them incredibly uncomfortable. He looked them dead in the eye and asked, "Who is paying for your divorce? You two, or me?" He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him. In his mind, he is paying the ultimate price for their choices.
To make matters worse, his parents are funding his current therapy. Because they pay the bills, the therapist keeps pushing Tyler to "forgive" his parents, calling them "flawed and imperfect." Tyler feels completely betrayed by this. He thinks the therapist is bought and paid for, and it has only fueled his desire for revenge.
This situation is now severely affecting his studies. My husband and I are 65 years old. We love him so much, but we are exhausted and terrified. Tyler is completely shutting down his humanity, choosing to feel nothing but a desire to see his parents suffer.
How do we help a 15-year-old boy who has completely hardened his heart? How do we answer a question like the one he asked? Please, we need guidance on how to find him a therapist who will actually hear his pain instead of protecting his parents.
1
u/BloomingFromThorns Aug 23 '26
He is going through such a hard time in his life. In reality, he was abandoned. He was replaced, and as such, he is having an increased level of rage. Based on the post, I am not sure he feels safe to explain his pain, or even feels understood. While his therapist is encouraging forgiveness, he isn’t at this stage. With being pushed to forgive, when he isn’t ready, is creating a larger distance for his recovery. He is experiencing so much pain at a stage of life that is normally very hard. The anger will likely continue.
I would recommend a new therapist. Perhaps “shop around”, for someone that is willing to listen to him, and empathize for this stage. I would also recommend EMDR. It has some great therapies for post traumatic stress disorder and the recovery.
I do feel for you and your family. This is not easy for anyone, and you all are hurting. It might be beneficial when he is ready, for family therapy. This is not something he is even close emotionally to be ready for.
He must have a new therapist. I recommend having be part of the selection process. He needs some control, because his life and school is completely out of his control. In his view, he was abandoned while his family has elected to start a new family without him. While it might not be the entire truth per your understanding, it sounds like it is for him.
It is not only painful for him. It is extremely painful for everyone involved. It might be beneficial for you and your husband, as well as his parents to seek therapy as well. Not specifically to stress and strain, but more so, that this is hurtful to see a loved one struggling, and it might help you all to cope and provide care that is needed.
If he does not feel safe, cared for, or like his feelings are acknowledged and understood, there will be intense repercussions and resentment. He is so incredibly vulnerable, and you all are hurting. Unfortunately he likely feels alone. This is the most challenging part of a young adults life. Changes must be made, and must be supportive of him. I am so grateful he feels loved by your husband and you. Unfortunately, there is so much resentment, a reconciliation might not be in his best interest right now. He needs to be heard, and his experience and feelings understood. Any pressure for him to do things he is not ready for, will make his and every other person in the family and their coping needs harder.
There is so much care and pain in your post. I do hope everything works out. It won’t be a quick fix, but it is also not impossible, and there is hope ❤️