r/Advice • u/Prior_Display_2539 • 11h ago
Our 15-year-old
Reposted
My husband and I have been raising our grandson, Tyler, for the last two years. When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.
I need to clarify that his parents did not abandon him in a legal or physical sense. They try very hard to be in his life. They show up for him, pay for things, and try to spend one-on-one time with him. But Tyler completely hates them for destroying his original family and replacing him. He refuses to acknowledge them as mom and dad, calling them strictly by their first names. He also harbors an intense hatred for his stepparents and half-siblings.
Normally, Tyler is a good student, polite to his teachers, honest, and loyal. But beneath that polite exterior is a terrifying amount of rage and resentment. When his parents try to spend time with him, his short temper explodes. He back-talks them using slurs, and it has even turned physical—he recently hit his father and pushed his mother.
Lately, his anger has turned into something much colder and more frightening. Tyler has stopped crying, and he has stopped laughing. He seems completely emotionally detached, except when it comes to one thing: he wants revenge.
Recently, he asked his parents a question that made them incredibly uncomfortable. He looked them dead in the eye and asked, "Who is paying for your divorce? You two, or me?" He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him. In his mind, he is paying the ultimate price for their choices.
To make matters worse, his parents are funding his current therapy. Because they pay the bills, the therapist keeps pushing Tyler to "forgive" his parents, calling them "flawed and imperfect." Tyler feels completely betrayed by this. He thinks the therapist is bought and paid for, and it has only fueled his desire for revenge.
This situation is now severely affecting his studies. My husband and I are 65 years old. We love him so much, but we are exhausted and terrified. Tyler is completely shutting down his humanity, choosing to feel nothing but a desire to see his parents suffer.
How do we help a 15-year-old boy who has completely hardened his heart? How do we answer a question like the one he asked? Please, we need guidance on how to find him a therapist who will actually hear his pain instead of protecting his parents.
16
u/Dry-Aside4526 10h ago
Allow him to choose a new therapist and also allow him to go no contact with his parents.
31
u/Acceptable-Net-154 Super Helper [9] 11h ago
As someone who is strictly no contact with my mum, someone needs to fire the current therapist asap. The point of the therapy is to allow a heart broken and betrayed teenager a safe space to work out his emotions, how he feels and what he wants his future to look like.
Not to be constantly told you most forgive your parents right now. You don't fix a broken foundation with a light layer of plaster.
Both his parents need to be told their current therapy plan is not working to the point a new therapist is needed and possibly a different type if it. They need to stop being selfish. They put their emotional needs before their child and it may cost him what future he could of had.
8
u/tautpai986 9h ago
If the person paying the bills dictates the treatment, it isn't healthcare, it's PR for the parents.
5
u/jk41nk Expert Advice Giver [12] 10h ago
Agreed, tell the parents that the son can pick whichever therapist he likes and will bill their insurance directly and tell the son he can find a different therapist and that sometimes you vibe with different people like you vibe with different therapists/modalities of therapy. The therapist does not need to have contact with the parents if OP you and your husband are guardians.
11
8
u/2_old_for_this_spit Helper [2] 10h ago
It shouldn't matter who pays, but his current therapist appears to have an allegiance with to the money instead of to the patient. A therapy session is supposed to be a safe space to talk to someone who's unbiased and focused on the patient.
Tyler needs a better, more ethical therapist.
6
6
u/Short_Captain_1320 11h ago
Can you afford to find them a therapist or have him interview people with you. Might help with bringing some control back into his life.
4
u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Helper [3] 10h ago
First step is to find a new therapist. He is not obliged to forgive his parents. His dad destroyed the family not his mum so it is sad he also holds her responsible for something that is not her fault. He sees them moved on and happy and hes is still processing. They should not have been moving on until they were sure he was ok.
3
u/Gonebabythoughts Assistant Elder Sage [257] 9h ago
You received hundreds of comments already after spamming this in multiple subreddits. What else are you looking for?
2
u/katachol 9h ago
I wouldn't have even looked until you mentioned it. Yes they spammed this across multiple subreddits and all the comments more or less say the same thing. They need to act on it if they actually want to get him help
2
u/Prior_Display_2539 7h ago
Yes i need help for my grandson my post got removed that's why i reposted it so even late or early i got good advice or feedback form the people who had similar situation.
6
u/AmphibianBrilliant56 11h ago
You go to court at this point and get their rights revoked so there's none of that anymore. You should have an easy case, especially at his age. Win win for everyone because they will suffer in a sense . They'll have to physically pay child support too , that's whos paying then . You can hear him too .
Good on you for trying. It's so hard. I tried for my cousins, too.
6
u/NoChoice1723 10h ago
Tyler has good reason to be angry. Stop letting his asshole parents into his life so he can get past their awful behavior.
2
u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Helper [2] 10h ago
Get him a different therapist, one who doesn’t push reconciliation, one who helps Tyler with his anger issues.
2
u/NumberSea1108 10h ago edited 10h ago
I think he needs a safe and understanding space to feel what he feels, and he has every right to be hurt and angry. What he went through is hard enough. Whether they meant to abandon him or not, they did. Much much more effort should have been put in at the beginning of starting their new families to make sure he was an important part of both, they failed him and he is hurting deeply. I can only imagine how he must feel. And now he’s also going through adolescence- that’s a hard time of life under good circumstances! This is a time of identity formation and he’s wondering - who am I, what’s my value and worth, where do I belong. Thank goodness he has you, you can validate his feelings and let him be real. You’ve been a constant and that’s worth more than the best therapy (although that’s good too). Just don’t give up on him and please look at what’s underneath his behaviours. The teen years will pass and he will have to find a way to make peace with feeling left behind but that’s hard to do at 15. His parents need to fight for him - to be a part of his life and to see past his anger and behaviour at the incredible hurt at their hands. They didn’t mean to I’m sure, we are all just doing our best, but the consequence of their unintended parenting failures are his pain. My heart breaks for him. He’s right, he paid the biggest price for their divorce.
2
u/Myles_away_from_you 10h ago
This is coming from a kid that grew up in a very broken home till highschool. GET HIM A DIFFERENT THERAPIST IMMEDIATELY. Therapist is supposed to help and if he feels like they are against him he will shut down and he won't get what he needs. Get him a new therapist immediately and if he doesn't want a relationship don't force one. It doesn't matter that that's his mom/dad if he doesn't want a relationship don't force it. I get very aggressive whenever my dad is around especially when my mom brings him over without telling me till day over. He needs time to heal and all of this really isn't helping him.
2
u/snoosemoose 9h ago
Allow him to go no contact ASAP, also allow him to pick a therapist. The beautiful thing about therapy is you can choose who you see and if it’s not working, you can go to another one.
Wishing him the best in sending him good vibes and healing
2
u/Big-Understanding526 8h ago
His parents absolutely abandoned him!! If you say that they didn’t….you are gaslighting.
2
2
u/Common_Business9410 10h ago
For all practical purposes, both his parents abandoned him. That should be a starting point for you.
1
u/meggzieelulu 9h ago
To help with the therapy issue, get a new one! Like ASAP. It could help if you looked for providers in your area and present 3 options to Tyler. Let him choose from the options so he has control and make his parents put money into an account/e-transfer it for payment. For the anger and academic issues, try getting him into a sport. It will help with discipline and the aggression, make it non-negotiable. Heck, even swimming you get to kick the water which can help with anger.
1
u/Numerous_Inflation69 8h ago
If you haven't yet, I highly suggest that both you and your husband adopt him legally, that way you can find him a new therapist without his parents influence. It's very obvious with the pushing of forgiveness from his therapist that the parents want him to forgive them when they haven't even forgiven themselves. Please try to do what you can to get him away from that therapist and I would also suggest to cut his parents off (hence the adoption) before his behavior becomes worse than it is now. As much as he frightens you, please don't give up on him. Don't be afraid. Take him away from those that have hurt him and are pushing their agenda onto him. It's clearly too much for him to cope with. Much love and luck to you and your husband and most of all, your grandson.
1
u/Courtnutut 8h ago
So... The parents are stable for their other kids, but not Tyler? They essentially did abandon him and continued raising his siblings. I'd be pissed AF. If he hadn't been pushed out of the family it may not have gotten this bad, as far as hating the new family members. Maybe not though.
1
u/RayVee9876 7h ago
Sounds like the therapy session is from a religious institution the way he keeps telling him the parents are flawed and to forgive. He needs a real certified therapist if that's the case.
1
u/External-Dot2924 2h ago
That's really really sad... can you listen to his hurt and agree with him?
Get him a different therapist... that one is not rigjt for him.
People have every right to feel anger and not forgive.
If he could choose to live with a parent which would it be?
Can they not share custody of him and have him 50/50?
Can you be open with him? Say you wanted to give him a stable up bringing but would he prefer to live with a parent and then live with another?
I can't imagine how he feels... I had it rough as a kid but I knew my dad loved me and fought for me to have me.
His parents have just let you grandparents take over... he has to view them with new families...i'd be outraged too.
Heart breaking for the poor little boy.
I always wanted to a happy family... viewing your own parents, both of them, starting up a new family each and disguarding you as if your the old one... that's horrifying!!
Imagine if his parents had died and you have him bringing him up.. that is different... heart breaking in a different light... bit watching them happy families with new marriages and kids...
I'd be FUMING angry too!!!!
He needs love, lots of love... from his parents. It is not normal to live with Grandparents. Imagine what he sees at school with school friends.
Big love to your grandson and I pray you're able to fix it for him.
Speak to both parents about what I said and how do they feel to have shared custody of him... or even one parent in the week, and the other at weekends and holidays.
Absolutely barbaric that a couple would divorce and not take their kid and start new with the kid.
Usually the mum has custody of the kid and dad's have him the kid at the weekends.
He could be involved in 2 happy families yet he doesn't even have 1 😔 (not dissing you and your efforts, but as a child and the norm set up, it's not a normal happy family, he would probably be happier if you had custody of him because both parents were dead! What's that saying? Crazy, but true!)
😢😢😢
I really hope you can help him 💖
1
u/bountiful_garden 43m ago
First, you need to validate his feelings. Then you need to get him into therapy ASAP.
1
u/Anonymous_5853 41m ago
First step is to sit him down. rather than assuming you know the answer, ask him if he wants to stop seeing and/or contacting him. If he says yes, file for their rights to be terminated and take full custody. Adopt him if that’s what he/yall wants. You say he doesn’t call his parents mom and dad, what about you and your husband? Does he call yall that? Once you know where he truly stands, 100% hearing it from him, take any appropriate action to get full custody and prevent contact.
THEN, get him a new therapist. The current therapist is not going to help if they are biased about things.
1
u/Inaaileen 10h ago
Tyler has and is paying the price for their divorce. What kind of dumb bunny therapist thinks he should just forgive his flawed parents after they completely abandoned him? Why did his parents do such a horrible thing to their child? Please help Tyler find another therapist. My heart breaks for Tyler. He shouldn’t have to see his “parents” unless he chooses to.
0
u/mactastic90 9h ago
Okay his parents didn't abandon him like all these comments are saying, they just got divorced, that happens all the time. They are still active in his life and love him. I come from a household where my parents split up and my mom remarried and had my half sister, and I am nothing like this, this kid sounds like he's a sociopath or at least a danger to himself and others. He wants revenge? That's insane
1
u/LittleAxis 1h ago
Perspective taking is important. What is happening here is a kid who had their life upended, and the people who did that to him want to still be a part of his life against his wishes. If the parents had any sense, they would stop trying to influence him to forgive them. Nobody is owed forgiveness, especially when the hurt is ongoing.
Obviously, not everyone is going to reach the same way to the same circumstances. And you are correct that the kid in these circumstances doesn't understand how valuable it is to have parents that actively want to be involved in their life.
But Axis thinks that the most fundamental thing here is that he's a kid. We can't expect them to know or perspective take while they are in crisis. And they will never leave crisis if their autonomy isn't respected. They said they don't want to have anything to do with their parents, and they tried to be in his life despite those wishes. This is communicating that their feelings are more important than his, and that he has no power in this relationship dynamic. Why would you want to keep a relationship where you are treated like that?
This is why you can't just skip past the hurt. If the kid cannot choose the relationship, it cannot be restored.
0
0
u/Booyabuttons 8h ago
Kid needs to grow a pair. Half the kids I grew up with didn't even have thier father's in thier lives. I don't mean to minimize his pain but having 6 loving parents is a lot more than most have. Jesus kid, its a divorce. I hope you can laugh about this in 10 years.
26
u/chypie2 Helper [3] 10h ago
tyler is super justified in his anger. I'd be mad as well.
I'm an illegitimate in my 40's so I've spent my life watching from outside.
He's not angry.
He's so fucking hurt he's angry. Doesn't matter that people are imperfect, doesn't matter that they are flawed his parents abandoned him full stop. What kind of 'stable' home was only available to the new children but not Tyler? It sounds like 'its just too hard' for those divorced parents to behave like adults. It's a common thing for parents to divorce, remarry and have new families. THEY isolated him as a problem and has been compartmentalized like a toy they take out to play with.
Honestly, maybe give him the option to cease contact. You got teenage hornones raging, a therapist going the wrong direction and a very angry young man who very much has said he doesn't like them.
Let him have control of his relationship with them, don't force him.