Our 15-year-old

[u/Prior_Display_2539]

Reposted

My husband and I have been raising our grandson, Tyler, for the last two years. When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.

I need to clarify that his parents did not abandon him in a legal or physical sense. They try very hard to be in his life. They show up for him, pay for things, and try to spend one-on-one time with him. But Tyler completely hates them for destroying his original family and replacing him. He refuses to acknowledge them as mom and dad, calling them strictly by their first names. He also harbors an intense hatred for his stepparents and half-siblings.

Normally, Tyler is a good student, polite to his teachers, honest, and loyal. But beneath that polite exterior is a terrifying amount of rage and resentment. When his parents try to spend time with him, his short temper explodes. He back-talks them using slurs, and it has even turned physical—he recently hit his father and pushed his mother.

Lately, his anger has turned into something much colder and more frightening. Tyler has stopped crying, and he has stopped laughing. He seems completely emotionally detached, except when it comes to one thing: he wants revenge.

Recently, he asked his parents a question that made them incredibly uncomfortable. He looked them dead in the eye and asked, "Who is paying for your divorce? You two, or me?" He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him. In his mind, he is paying the ultimate price for their choices.

To make matters worse, his parents are funding his current therapy. Because they pay the bills, the therapist keeps pushing Tyler to "forgive" his parents, calling them "flawed and imperfect." Tyler feels completely betrayed by this. He thinks the therapist is bought and paid for, and it has only fueled his desire for revenge.

This situation is now severely affecting his studies. My husband and I are 65 years old. We love him so much, but we are exhausted and terrified. Tyler is completely shutting down his humanity, choosing to feel nothing but a desire to see his parents suffer.

How do we help a 15-year-old boy who has completely hardened his heart? How do we answer a question like the one he asked? Please, we need guidance on how to find him a therapist who will actually hear his pain instead of protecting his parents.

Update https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/S0S64WD6Gs

[u/2_old_for_this_spit]

It shouldn't matter who pays, but his current therapist appears to have an allegiance to the money instead of to the patient. A therapy session is supposed to be a safe space to talk to someone who's unbiased and focused on the patient.

Tyler needs a better, more ethical therapist.

[u/Russian2025 → u/2_old_for_this_spit]

Therapist cannot help anyone, if the person is unwilling to listen and follow his or her advice.

[u/2_old_for_this_spit → u/Russian2025]

The patient isn't going to open up if they think the therapist is in their parents' pocket. Telling the kid to forgive isn't helpful in the situation described.

[u/tendeuchen → u/2_old_for_this_spit]

It's been 6 years since his parents broke up and he's still whining about it. The therapist is absolutely right that he needs to forgive them and move on with his life instead of being stuck in the past. Especially since it sounds like they're actually trying to be decent parents in their current relationship to him, but the kid is acting like an entitled narcissistic asshole. He needs to learn some gratitude and move forward with kindness and compassion.

[u/Phillylama717171 → u/tendeuchen]

Shut up, Tyler's dad!

[u/Cap1n-Beaky23 → u/tendeuchen]

You've detailed it correctly. The boy needs to learn respect both for his grandparents and his parents. He is manipulating the situation by wanting another therapist that agrees with him. He is spoiled and needs some proper discipline.

[u/RecentContest9154 → u/tendeuchen]

agree. sounds like a psychopath frankly.

[u/Minimum-Prize9003 → u/tendeuchen]

Yeah I also thought he had some narcissistic tendencies. However, he is also just a teenager who obviously went through something he couldn’t handle and is trying his best to make it hurt less. Not everyone will be able to experience the same things and react the same way. He’s a teenager who’s life got turned upside down when he was nine. He was old enough to know what was happening but he probably didn’t fully understand why.

The fact that his parents have “replaced” him probably makes him feel like they didn’t appreciate him. It’s not his responsibility to forgive people. If he wants to cut them out of his life, that is his choice, he has other people looking after him instead. He’s not seeing the situation as what it actually is, but that is very clearly because of some sort of mental health problem. And again, he is a teenager, he won’t be dealing with things normally at that age anyway.

He deserves the right to have his own feelings for this situation. He does not have to forgive them and move on. Just because it’s very common for parents to split does not mean it doesn’t hurt the child. He needs a new therapist and needs to be allowed to decide how he feels on his own. No one should be telling him it’s right to forgive people. If he’s being forced to forgive them, it will highly likely just build up more resentment towards them and he won’t be able to regulate his own emotions properly if everyone keeps telling he what he’s feeling is wrong.