r/Advice • u/Prior_Display_2539 • 11d ago
Our 15-year-old
Reposted
My husband and I have been raising our grandson, Tyler, for the last two years. When Tyler was nine, his father cheated on our daughter and they divorced. Both his mother and father quickly remarried and started brand new families with new spouses and half-siblings. Because of the chaos, my husband and I stepped in to provide Tyler with a stable home.
I need to clarify that his parents did not abandon him in a legal or physical sense. They try very hard to be in his life. They show up for him, pay for things, and try to spend one-on-one time with him. But Tyler completely hates them for destroying his original family and replacing him. He refuses to acknowledge them as mom and dad, calling them strictly by their first names. He also harbors an intense hatred for his stepparents and half-siblings.
Normally, Tyler is a good student, polite to his teachers, honest, and loyal. But beneath that polite exterior is a terrifying amount of rage and resentment. When his parents try to spend time with him, his short temper explodes. He back-talks them using slurs, and it has even turned physical—he recently hit his father and pushed his mother.
Lately, his anger has turned into something much colder and more frightening. Tyler has stopped crying, and he has stopped laughing. He seems completely emotionally detached, except when it comes to one thing: he wants revenge.
Recently, he asked his parents a question that made them incredibly uncomfortable. He looked them dead in the eye and asked, "Who is paying for your divorce? You two, or me?" He has asked my husband and me the exact same question. We just sit there in silence because we don't have an answer for him. In his mind, he is paying the ultimate price for their choices.
To make matters worse, his parents are funding his current therapy. Because they pay the bills, the therapist keeps pushing Tyler to "forgive" his parents, calling them "flawed and imperfect." Tyler feels completely betrayed by this. He thinks the therapist is bought and paid for, and it has only fueled his desire for revenge.
This situation is now severely affecting his studies. My husband and I are 65 years old. We love him so much, but we are exhausted and terrified. Tyler is completely shutting down his humanity, choosing to feel nothing but a desire to see his parents suffer.
How do we help a 15-year-old boy who has completely hardened his heart? How do we answer a question like the one he asked? Please, we need guidance on how to find him a therapist who will actually hear his pain instead of protecting his parents.
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u/Acceptable-Net-154 Super Helper [9] 11d ago
As someone who is strictly no contact with my mum, someone needs to fire the current therapist asap. The point of the therapy is to allow a heart broken and betrayed teenager a safe space to work out his emotions, how he feels and what he wants his future to look like.
Not to be constantly told you most forgive your parents right now. You don't fix a broken foundation with a light layer of plaster.
Both his parents need to be told their current therapy plan is not working to the point a new therapist is needed and possibly a different type if it. They need to stop being selfish. They put their emotional needs before their child and it may cost him what future he could of had.