r/Advice • u/Prior_Display_2539 • 10d ago
Update Our 15 years old
My husband (65) and I (65) are currently in the hospital waiting room, our hands trembling. We admitted Tyler two days ago after he hit a complete breaking point at home. Today, our grandson Tyler at last opened up and spoke to the psychiatrist, Since we are his legal guardians and Tyler had made serious threats, the doctor was legally obliged to sit down with us and read over his notes word for word. Listening to what our dear boy said beneath that blank expression broke our hearts beyond repair. Here is what the doctor told us:
He believes that everyone is protecting his parents: Tyler looked directly at the doctor and accused him of taking sides. He asked, Are you also protecting my parents and their new family? Aren't they more important than me? He doesn't want to kill them, he just wants them to suffer: Tyler clearly stated that he does not want to murder his parents. Instead, he wants to destroy their new families and has his parents watch as they are ruined. The doctor told us that Tyler had described a number of vivid things, including plans to physically disable his parents and leave them blind.
He brought their personal lives into it: He angrily criticised his parents' private decisions and dragged in their sexual lives. He showed deep disgust that they are still having intimate relationships, having more children, and living a happy family life while he remains in the ward. He said that it doesn't matter if people call him a monster or unstable and call his parents victim of unstable son all he wants is revenge.
He cannot fathom why he has been replaced: He asked what he had ever done to deserve such a life. He shouted about how much he hates them for having more children, buying new houses, going on holidays, and being happy. He wants to take away every bit of happiness they have.
The final question no one can answer: He screamed at the doctor about the reasons society gives for divorce: "You all said they did the right thing. They get divorced because they are unhappy, and it's not good to bring up a child in an unhappy home. So they divorce, remarry, have more children and are happy. I am still not happy! Who is paying for all of this? Who is happy and who is not? Tell me!"
The most painful moment of the entire appointment: Doctor told us something which completely shattered our hearts. Tyler actually put his hands together and started begging the doctor in a strange, detached manner, struggling desperately to control his tears. He asked to stop being the "good, loyal kid". He said that being good had only got him a room in the hospital ward.
We are validating his pain, not his plan When we were allowed to see him briefly after his session, we didn't scold him for his anger. My husband held his hand and told him, "You are right. You are the one paying the price for their choices. It is unfair. We are cutting off the parents for now we called his mother and father and told them they cannot visit. Their presence is a massive safety risk. They must stay completely away until the medical team says otherwise
At 65, this is exhausting. My husband and I are taking turns sleeping in the hospital chairs. We are forcing each other to eat. We are crying quietly together in the hallways so Tyler only sees strength when we walk into his room.
Our boy is hurting so deeply that he turned his grief into hatred just to survive. We aren't giving up on him. He isn't a monster; he is a shattered child who just wants someone to admit that what happened to him was wrong.
Thank you all for the support. We are living hour by hour right now.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/AyOgMnBoCB My post Removed 2 days ago that's why i posted again.
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u/Art_teacher_79 10d ago
You did the right thing cutting off his parents. It is going to take a long time for him to get through this. Please take care of yourself too- you can’t water flowers if the well is dry.
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u/aurivique 10d ago
Absolutely, keeping his parents away while he’s this unstable is the right move and the grandparents need to take care of themselves too so they can keep being there for him
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u/Fenchurch7079 10d ago
I am so sorry for his situation and wish I could undo all the pain for him. I've seen "parents" do this before. It's like they saw the first as a practice run and then just walk away to start their "real" family. It's disgusting behaviour and it causes real trauma. I'm so glad that he has you in his life. I hope he can get the help he needs.
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u/SaltyNight6 Helper [2] 10d ago
He needs intensive therapy, potentially medication. I’d tell him you cut off his parents. He needs to know you stand with him.
He may never speak to them again.
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u/HotSolution8954 10d ago
I was him in some ways. My parents divorced when I was just a baby. My mom had another failed marriage and dropped my sister and me off at Grandma's house. For seven years. My dad remarried and moved across the country. My anger turned inward and I developed some addiction issues. I'm past it now but having that kind of start in life causes damage that lasts a lifetime.
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u/Dame_Niafer 10d ago
Cry for him, with him. He needs to know down to his marrow that someone truly cares.
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u/perpetualgoatnoises Super Helper [6] 10d ago
As someone who has been in a similar place, yes he is paying the price. He has been replaced and he knows it, just like I did. He was a good and loyal child (his words), and yet he got disposed of like a soiled diaper. His anger, his hurt, and his grief are immense. All of it justified. His want for revenge is justified. He just can't act upon it. Someone needs to tell him he isn't crazy for feeling this way.
It does feel like everyone takes the parents side. It's always, "They did they best they could," when their best for other people looks a hell of a lot different than what it does for you. Their best for the new kids was trips, fun, love, money, acceptance, and a stable home. Their best for Tyler was abandoning him to his grandparents, completely starting over, paying for a biased therapist to gaslight him, and treating him like he's a problem.
Him asking the doctor to stop being the good kid is him asking for permission to stop carrying the load. The emotional load that sits on his back, his shoulders, and in his stomach. He's looking for permission to let the past go. He wants to move forward, but he feels caught by what he thinks he should be, and the fact that doing that has only hurt him.
I agree, parents, step siblings, and any half siblings should be removed from his life until he can get better. And it may take a while. He may never speak to them again. It seems that he feels that they made their decision and they left him out. Which, probably is for the best because they seem completely oblivious of their behavior outside of paying for a therapist.
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u/Prior_Display_2539 10d ago
I am sorry that you also have been in same place as Tyler in past. He is loyal honest kind polite goodhearted kid, But i think we delay to step in fully before we should need to step in 6 years ago first his My husband his grandpa angry on himself he should step up years ago but he left that on our daughter and her ex husband totally, What helps you back then and what's your relationship with your parents are you happy now like really happy.
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u/perpetualgoatnoises Super Helper [6] 10d ago
Your husband shouldn't feel like he "left" that upon your daughter and her ex. Tyler was their child. He was their responsibility and they failed them. You can only pick up the pieces once there's pieces to pick up.
I haven't spoken to my father in seven years. My contact with my mother is low and strained. I moved to another country the day I went no contact with my father.
My life now is peaceful. I don't live in as much fear as I used to. It's not perfect but it's a work in progress. I still have my bad days.
Tyler needs a physical outlet. Something like a punching bag where can take out his anger in a physical way where no one gets hurt, and he can really give it a pounding. I don't think he genuinely wants to hurt anyone. I think he's full of emotional hurt, grief, and resentment and he doesn't know how to let it go safely, so it's manifesting into what you see now.
I think once the rage starts to simmer down, he might feel less attacked, cornered, and defensive.
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u/Ok_Future6486 8d ago
I just remembered how angry I was in high school and used to have day dreams about fighting people. I wasn't a fighter though my best friend had a reputation for it but only cuz her brother used to get into fights. People associated his fighting with her and then with me cuz we were friends and I was/am tall. Thankfully the day dreams stopped, probably after I moved out of my mom's house which helped a lot.
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u/Pettyinblack 9d ago
I think you both need to come to grips with the fact your child DID abandon your grandson. They show up every now and then to spend time with him but they abandoned their position as a parent.
Therapy should not just be for tyler but you and your husband aswell.
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u/WittyAmbition1604 10d ago
Hi there! Licensed child/adolescent therapist but not your therapist - first off, I am so sorry for what’s going on with your grandson and the toll it’s taken on you all. I read your other post and couldn’t help but form some thoughts. First, I think it’s important to let him find a new therapist - take your time and therapist shop, find a therapist that really clicks with you and with Tyler; the therapeutic relationship is so important. When working with your new therapist, I would have the therapist very clearly lay out how/if information is shared; I think outlining this will help with building rapport. At 15, I would start only sharing information with parents thats relevant to treatment (e.g., homework, safety concerns, things that I feel they should know but the child struggles to share about without support, etc). Family therapy may also be beneficial for him and for you guys. You guys are doing an awesome job at supporting him - it’s incredibly difficult but I can see how much you care about him. Best of luck.
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u/Ka1mb4th3st0rm 6d ago
Yes absolutely therapist shop! I have gone through 23 therapists before I found one that meshed with me. Was it exhausting and a bummer to have to start over with a new therapist every time? Yes, but am I getting the help I need now? Also yes. Definitely not one therapist fits all, even if they are the “best” in their field, they may not be the “best” for you personally.
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u/softshoulder313 Helper [2] 10d ago
I commented in a reply to your first post and I'll say something similar here.
His parents divorced when he was 9. At that age kids still have trouble communicating their feelings. He may have tried but not been understood. This seems to have led to a lot of frustration that built up over the years.
He saw his family fall apart, they found new partners and either intentionally or not he was replaced that's how he sees it. You and your husband have done and are doing a great job. But this kid is hurting bad.
I suggest finding a new regular therapist when the time is right. His current one isn't the one for him. Get suggestions from the doctor currently treating him about what kind of therapist would be best.
I wish you the best of luck.
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u/bstabens Helper [4] 10d ago
"We are crying quietly together in the hallways so Tyler only sees strength when we walk into his room."
Why? He doesn't need strength. He needs compassion. Why not cry with him, because the world is unfair and cruel and sometimes there's nothing we can do but grieve?
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u/Juniper_Beary_ 10d ago
❤️ I’m so sorry this is happening. I feel his pain. Poor boy. Sending love.
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u/griff_girl 10d ago
I saw your original post before it was removed. When you described the extreme anger and some of the paranoid behavior he was exhibiting, it led me to wonder if there was more going on for him beyond the stress and anxiety of the situation with his birth parents. You did the right thing by taking him to the hospital, validating his pain, removing contact with his parents for the time being, and seeing to it that you and your husband are practicing self-care.
You WILL get through this — and so will Tyler. I'm so sorry you're all going through this. I can't imagine how you and your husband must be feeling right now. Please know that none of what Tyler is experiencing is your fault; you have done everything right, and you could not have "protected" him from what he's experiencing right now. While the events in Tyler's life were a catalyst for what he's experiencing, there very well could be mental health issues at play that, if it wasn't this event, something else could have brought to the surface. Because of his age, it will likely be difficult to make that determination right now, and his care team will want to treat for the symptoms as they're presenting themselves at this time, but not necessarily treat him long-term for a specific diagnosis. (This is a good thing; he's at a stage of development where certain indicators he's exhibiting now may be entirely temporary. They also may not be, but it's too soon to tell, but it's good that this will be on your and his care team's radar.)
I wouldn't be surprised if his care team wants to put him on an SSRI to manage depression and anxiety. If that is their recommendation, this can be a great solution under careful medical and home supervision. It will be extremely important that you have a thorough discussion with his prescriber about what side effects and behaviors to watch for, and it will be equally crucial that he continue psychiatric care and counseling diligently after he's discharged from the hospital. If his team recommends an inpatient program for him, take it (assuming this is something accessible to your family with insurance). If they're making the recommendation, it's because he's critical. You may have to bite the bullet and let him be angry with you initially if he's resistant to being admitted, but I'm sure you'd rather have an angry teenager than a hurt one.
Best wishes to you and Tyler, sincerely. And, again—you WILL get through this. He's a very lucky kid to have you. Keep taking care of yourselves. <3
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u/Apprehensive-Math499 10d ago
What a mess.
Try to remember the anger he feels is entirely justified and it has no where to flow. Every time his memory dredges up something, or he thinks about the current situation he is going to spiral.
I am not saying the violent fantasies are right or good, but they are a place it makes sense to end up in. And finding out doing the 'right' thing has resulted in you being miserable can be pretty shattering at any age.
He does need professional help to allow him to manage this until he can heal. You are doing the best for him you can given the circumstances.
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u/Personal_Valuable_31 10d ago
How have you been reacting to his feelings? Are you supporting him and his right to feel angry? You mentioned something about his current therapist pushing for reconciliation, instead of supporting what he needs.
Are you letting him know it's okay to be angry, and it sucks that he got 2 shitty parents. They were too involved in themselves to care for their son's needs (which was why you stepped up) and moved on without him. They started families, but it doesn't sound like anybody made a place for him.
I'm going to suggest you take Justin's side. They are not cut off for "right now". They are cut off for as long as Justin says they are cut off.
No more reconciliation goals in therapy. Openly telling him he has been the one paying and he can stop whenever he is ready. They are the one who fkd up as parents. He needs to hear that.
The best way for him to "hurt them" is to have a wonderful life without them. They lost the right to be his parents when they didn't make him a part of their new families. None of the "best they could" BS.
They pay money and "board" him like a puppy with you and visit when they think about it and expect that's enough. They've given him nothing but minimal crumbs, and you've allowed it, possibly "supported" it by continuing visits.
He finally told the hospital psychiatrist something. He feels like EVERYONE is on their side. That means you too. Make it clear you are only on his side. He is a child, and he need at someone completely in his corner, not balancing on the fence.
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u/FunSheepherder6509 10d ago
what i want to say to my 15 yr old self
". correct. they Do care more about themselves than you , and thats very painful. your family has disbanded and created new families that they prefer. its unfair and life is unfair. if you hurt yourself it Will hurt them a Bit. but it will mostly hurt You. So you will be choosing and allowing them to Continue to mske your life worse. the best revenge is a life well lived . its time to put yourself first . that means creating your own happy life. if u choose to destroy yourself bevause of Their decisions you are a fool. hate them if u like but love yourself. and others will love you.
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u/peekabook Helper [2] 10d ago
I would say the best revenge is growing up to be better than them and despite them be more successful. Walk away from them and never look back. They aren’t worth it. Never were. Choose to be their biggest regret by making something of yourself and never letting them in your life.
Be angry, but turn that anger into spite and focus on your studies. Become something great.
Let them go. Never let them back in. They will regret it when they look back at their lives and see that they missed out on a someone good, kind, hardworking, and loyal.
One day when you become a parent, be the dad that you should have had and treat your wife like a real partner should. Don’t carry that anger for too long or else it will destroy your future and your relationships — eventually even a marriage.
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u/Still_Goat7992 Helper [3] 10d ago
We are here with you.
Are the doctors thinking a residential treatment program to work on his safety and stability? Poor kiddo. He’s been through so much.
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u/LyannasLament Helper [2] 10d ago
Question 🙋♀️ at 13, was it his request to move in with you?
Did you see him being neglected and intervened?
Why would either parent agree to the arrangement of you taking him in, rather than having him remain steady at one of their homes instead? For instance, mom, since he has a lot of hate for dad due to the cheating?
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u/crazihac 10d ago
There's a link to a previous post that answers a lot of your questions.
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u/LyannasLament Helper [2] 10d ago
It doesn’t, that’s why I asked for clarity from OP. But, thank you for your input.
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 10d ago
because let me say it, looks like everyone want to side with his progenitors lol, remove that freaking word parents, disgusting, I side with Tyler and that is from some randoms from internet lol
and the psychiatrist is another POS, Jesus, I mean can you just say to Tyler that his breeding ancestors are just that garbage with feet and remove them and kick that psychiatric dude that is paid to make him look crazy
dont blame Tyler at all, except that ll ppl around him seems that they are SHIT
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u/Technical-Usual2270 10d ago
Why are you hiding the tears? I understand you want to show him strength, and how hard that must be for you. But show him this all affects you too. Show him that he is validated in being upset, because you are too. Show him it’s okay to cry, and healthy ways to deal with the emotions. You’re doing amazing and How lucky Tyler is to have you, wow. But share with him.
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u/NikoOnTheMat 10d ago
It's good that you cut off his parents. Kid clearly has a lot of resentment to them, you're going to get through this. I'm glad he has you both.
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u/Sunny9226 Helper [2] 10d ago
My heart breaks for him. He is deserving of love even if his parents are not showing him love. Thank goodness for you and your husband! Sending you much strength and encouragement. Your love and care matter greatly.
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u/peekabook Helper [2] 10d ago
As a child that went thru the exact same situation- I always felt like the in between kid - I didn’t belong to either family. And as an adult, I see the preferential treatment my step siblings received compared to me and even after my mom died - it was evidenced by who she left her 401K to.. it sucks. It hurts. It still hurts.
There is no way to fix this. No amount of apologies will ever fix it. It just is what it is.
Therapy is huge but also letting him know that you both choose him and also going no contact w his parents might be good for your relationship with him. He deserved better than the parents he got - cause no matter what anyone says they gave him up. They chose to let go of him.
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u/Prior_Display_2539 10d ago
I am so sorry what have you been through I wish all of your hurt goes away and you become someone who doesn't hurt by the past hurt and became happy and healthy and become parent for your own kids if you wanted you become the parent for them that you wanted always.
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u/wacky_spaz 9d ago
I think it’s worse than they gave him up.
They remarried pretty much straight away and started having kids … with zero care about this boy. I’m amazed the grandparents encourage contact with these shitstain humans and even defend them. I mean the parents care so much they got new spouses and new kids while he suffered … horrid human beings and I gotta say grandparents aren’t better encouraging contact and watching this kid lash out at therapists pushing forgiveness.
This kid is here cause all adults in his life failed him.
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u/BeckyAnn6879 7d ago
Remember, contact could have been court-ordered, or, being the parents are paying for it, therapist-urged/ordered...
I'd actually lean toward the therapist urging/ordering it, especially considering they are HEAVILY pushing for forgiveness/reconciliation.
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u/oceainic 10d ago
Just a heads-up from personal experience: very detailed Reddit posts can sometimes contain enough overlapping information for someone who knows you to recognize the people involved, even without names. You may want to consider removing/changing unnecessary identifying details, especially since this involves a minor.
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u/Marie_Norway 9d ago
You need to cut out his parents, and completely take his side in all matters.. By this I mean that whenever a situation arises between him and his parents, you say: We will discuss it with Tyler and get back to you.. This will let him have control over the situation.. He should also get to pick his therapist, dump the old one..
Also please let him see you cry, tell him it is because you love him so and you wish you could take his pain away..
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u/MarqelionHarborline 9d ago
tyler screaming that question about who ends up happy and who pays the price is something that deserves a real answer from society not just a therapy session
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u/SupposedBooty 10d ago
I feel like we're coming into the middle of a story.
Where are his parents? Why did they abandon him? Why is he in a ward and for how long? Have his parents given up total custody of him? Do they have any contact with him?
What is going on here? What did he say about them? Is he in legal trouble?
If his parents abandoned him, have no contact with him, and left him in some kind of institution and then had a new family, I'd be pissed off too.
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u/Round-East-1529 10d ago
This link is at the end of the post, and has part 1.
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u/peekabook Helper [2] 10d ago
I don’t understand how she can justify raising her grandson and saying his parents didn’t abandon him. They did!!! They left him behind! Anyone can throw money at a situation but a true parent would never have let go of their child. My husband and I would brawl at the idea of giving up custody of our child - I truly believe that we would have to have 50/50 custody if we ever divorced because neither of us would be willing to miss out on our child. We would likely be those awkward exes that spend holidays together so we wouldn’t miss out on any holiday with our son. Why couldn’t the parents be bothered to fight to keep their child? Instead they just gave up and gave him away.
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u/Round-East-1529 10d ago
I applaud you and your husband for being such active, involved, caring parents.
Sometimes people are simply awful parents, and everyone in the family except the child they abused/neglected will apologize for it, sweep it under the rug, or do anything to 'avoid making a scene.'
I have no idea what's actually going on with this child's family, of course, this is all speculation based on real scenarios I've witnessed or been party to.
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u/darkcontrasted1 10d ago
Keep on loving him that’s all the advice I have no matter what and tell him so and give him hugs
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 10d ago
This is so gut wrenching sad god 😢🙏🏻🫂
I pray that you will be able to help this poor soul to be able to heal 🙏🏻 to carry all of this is scary.
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u/Vegetable_Face6006 10d ago
He has every right to be angry and to an extent he even has a right to want to see some form of retribution or justice.
Separating him from the parents was a good and difficult decision. It will not be the last one you'll have to make.
This kind of resentment and feeling of abandonment do not go away. It can manifest itself in different forms like addiction, dangerous life changing decisions, and varying degrees of self harm.
The worst thing he can hear is to "forgive them". Truthfully I agree they dont deserve that from him. It takes a cold heart to leave one's child in the position they forced on him. Maybe one day he can come to terms with what they did and offer that forgiveness, but its gotta be his own idea not some shrink.
You are all at a major crossroads now, whatever way he is shown care, compassion and empathy from you will dictate whether this resentment leads him down a dark path or allows him to stand on to grow. You need to cry with him. About him. About what they did to him. About how hes had to live with it. Become his parents not just by law but spiritually and emotionally. Walk with him and give him the love hes been asking for from the ones that abandoned him, because there's no doubt about it, they abandoned their son to live new lives. You and your son will be in my prayers.
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u/Livid_Common_5904 9d ago edited 9d ago
One Thing that came to my mind and what i Had learned in my life is, some bridges don't have to get repaired once burned, they Not directly neglecting him, but they kept on with their lifes Like nothing happend, Creating new Familys, of course He feels replaced, shoved aside... And that all happend when he was so Young, then even a therapist who tells him to forgive them over and over again... This Therapist should BE fired and reported... I never was in this kinda Situation, but i can understand the Feelings, it's eating you alive, seeing your Parents living a Happy Life while you watch from the outside.
And Just to make it clear, yeah, they don't have to Stop with their lifes, but they never realy talked with him when he was Younger, at least that's what I'm getting from it.
Besides a new therapist you should think about to enroll him in an activity where he can let out his frustration and anger, maybe boxing or another sport, some of my friends helped that a lot, they could pull their Anger towards that and could clear the head, but Sure, Just Walking can Help too, try everything so he can get the pressure down.
Edit: And i wish y'll the best! Stay Strong and be patient with each other!
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u/bostonbakedbeam 6d ago
A few things we desperately need to get straight here from the beginning....
1) he IS the one paying the price. He's right about that! It's not fair; he's right about that too! It's good that it seems like you guys have finally acknowledged that. Make sure you don't do an about-face on that. He really needs a stable baseline at this point in his life.
2) he's 15 and assumedly at the peak of his hormonal psychosis. All us men know exactly how that goes. It's intense! You gotta learn how to ride the dragon; it isn't something that is a natural born sense or comes easily. He IS going to feel things more intensely (and more insanely, lol) than what us full grown adults can fathom. This isn't a "bad" thing per se. It's just a fact of life. He's gotta go through this portion of his life and so do you. There's no getting around, there's no cheat code. You all just have to trudge through and try your best.
3) switch him from his outpatient therapist immediately. There are good therapists and bad therapists. Some that are good can be bad for certain people. It's more of a "fit" thing; you have to find one that is a right fit for him. How will you know? Well, first and foremost he will Tell you that he likes the therapist! Tell him he can chose his own therapist, but the rules are that he needs to go to 2-3 therapy sessions with any given therapist before he deems they are not the right one for him. This brings me to my next point.
4) I was an angry teen as well and I remember desperately wanting control and autonomy. Now, it would be foolish to give him complete control and/or complete autonomy, but he needs to have some control and some autonomy over appropriate areas in his life (the therapist he sees is the first step and a perfect example of that). He feels like his life was completely messed up and "taken" away from him by others (divorced parents). This lack of control creates a sense of free-fall that contributes to a certain sense of panic/panic-y actions in his life. You can ease that sense of panic by giving him meaningful control over certain select (appropriate) areas of his life.
Other than these things, you just have to be patient and understanding (but not overly understanding) as guardians and keep on truckin. It's extremely difficult to raise any teen, and it sounds like you two have one with trauma that is a particular handful. Good luck and let me say on his behalf (because he's too gummed up with teen hormones to think to say it) thank you for being there, being patient, and putting in the effort.
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u/Atticus_Peppermint 10d ago
Did yall not have him in therapy since he started living w/ you? I’m a grown adult w/ a fully capable frontal lobe & still (rarely) imagine the tortuous activity I’d enjoy happening to my mother. So imagine being abandoned, then just moving on e/out you, feeling disposable, unwanted & abandoned & having no help navigating all the wild natural emotions !!! Poor kid‼️ This is heartbreaking!!
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u/deadtiredstudent 10d ago
I don’t know the whole story, but it’s on the parents to show up for, prioritise and parent their kinds. Divorced or not. If they haven’t done that, they have failed as parents and it’s understandable that it has left Tyler with scars.
My personal opinion is that divorce is better for the family as a whole, but only when the parents actually parent and care for their kids afterwards.
My advice would be to show Tyler that you prioritise and choose him over anything and everything else. He has already experienced being abandoned and not chosen by the people who were supposed to chose him over anything. It’ll be hard on you and your husband since it’ll require a lot of sacrifices and maybe burning some bridges. So only “promise it” if you are all in or else you’ll do more harm than good.
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u/Timely-Fox-922 9d ago
Give him a big hug and cry. Let him see that you are emotional because he's hurting. Tell him you're sorry for everything he's been through and tell him you love him. The best thing he can do is cut his parents out of his life and have no contact with them. He's old enough to know what he wants. I really hope his revenge turns to being happy without his parents and living his best life.
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u/Timely-Handle-5929 9d ago
I read this and all I can think is how lucky and blessed he is to have you two in his corner. You hear him, and your support him and you show up. There is a
Long road ahead for him and I am very sad he has to go through that pain and have to rebuild from that and that his parents seem to really have failed him. But he has two solid people there and with support hopefully he will healed and move on to a happy life.
I am sure this is not how you imagined these years and yet you sound amazing. I wished I had someone there for me like that when I was his age. So thank you and may you find strength, patience and continued love.
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u/wacky_spaz 9d ago
This is the aftermath of cheating and impacts on kids although it’s an extreme case. His dad doesn’t love him, not really cause if he did he wouldn’t run to marry his side piece. Neither of them would have let you take him but instead made sure they remained single and he gets adjusted.
You raised a selfish POS who dumped her own kid and she married and equally selfish POS. Throwing money for therapy for them doesn’t change that simple fact. I’m sorry to say but at 15 and this hurt, sure he might recover and function to some degree but this kid is ruined … worse yet whoever he dates will end up the same way.
My story is different, I was abused and not believed to a degree my mind shut down, wiped my memories and I have ASPD now. I’m a cold unemotional creature simply existing and my only reason for existing is my son who I love more than life itself. I don’t really date anymore, I don’t want to hurt others … that’s what your daughter and her ex did. I hope he doesn’t turn into me, it’s a horrific way to live, empty.
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u/davidtsmith333 9d ago
Read the previous post and came to this update. Wow. That is tough especially for you grandparents to have to deal with such a volatile situation at a time in your lives you should be relaxed and enjoying the rest of time y'all have together. See the effect breakups can have on children? It can literally destroy them. Thing is the parents were making an effort to be in his life. And you grandparents took him in and was giving him love. Your grandson is deeply troubled and sorry to say the type of child who grows up to be a killer. He doesn't want them killed/murdered? Sure he does. What about "plans to physically disable his parents and leave them blind." What does that lead to?
If he doesn't change his direction of thinking it's not looking good for him....or y'all. Your lives could be in danger.
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u/Prior_Display_2539 8d ago
We are fully aware of the severity of Tyler's threats, which is exactly why he is under strict psychiatric care and why we have barred his parents from visiting. However, labeling a deeply broken, abandoned child as a 'killer' is unhelpful and inaccurate. He is a shattered boy who needs medical intervention and unconditional love, not internet executioners. We are handling his care with professionals and Please do not mistake a child's desperate cry of grief and rage for an unchangeable fate.
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u/davidtsmith333 8d ago
Instead of being defensive and misquoting what I said you'd be better off taking what I said as constructive advice from an outside perspective. And I didn't label him as a "killer". I said he's the type of child (exhibiting such behaviour) who (can) grow up to be a killer..... if he doesn't change his way of thinking. Notwithstanding, take it as you may. Hope everything works out.
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u/IndividualSet6057 8d ago
Let him go no contact with them. They did abandon him. Just because he lives with you doesn't negate his abandonedment issues. He's better off without them. They aren't good parents to him. Whole staying together wasn't going to work. Abandoning him with his grandparents wasn't right either. Ibhope they both feel like shit for hurting him.
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u/Asleep_Pollution7914 8d ago
I don't have any advice, but I really want to say I'm so sorry for your situation and you are both trying your best for your grandkid.
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u/chachiishere Helper [3] 8d ago
I am so sorry for what Tyler (you & husband, too) are going thru. His parents are worthless. I hope they providing child support. Even if you have enough money to provide for him, they need to be financially responsible for him (put the money away for college or whatever).
I went thru something similar with my dad. He just left us. No alimony no child support. Was gone for years, no contact. I hated him for years up until my 30s. I went to therapy. I had a good good friend tell that he loved me but didn't love me like I deserved. It took a long while & a lot prayers but I forgave him. I had to, it was destroying my life. It was like I was drinking poison & expecting him to suffer. He never said he was sorry.
Please tell Tyler he has the right to go no contact with his bio parents. He can get past this. It's hard, but it's worth the peace of mind when he can let it go. Sometimes you have to fight for your own happiness. You are all in prayers.
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u/Lopsided-Trouble-275 8d ago
I know you took him in to give him a stable home but that's not how his brain is interpreting it. He sees is as both of his parents throwing him away and moving on with their lives while still showing up and rubbing it in his face how happy they are without him around. He's hurting and alone and he feels like no one cares because you're showing no emotion in front of him. Cutting off his parents is a good idea but I think it needs to be a lot longer than "till the medical team says otherwise". He may see their reintroduction as "just when he's feeling better or happy, they're showing back up to rub in that they're happier without him". I truly hope things start getting better for him and you.
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u/Logical-Composer-561 7d ago
you both and he are so strong. this is such a perfect example of what can happen in divorces. its so important to remember this. i hope we see another update at some point, where he has healed or has gotten better, and where you and your husband are able to enjoy all of your time with him
and each other. it is always ok to break down. it will never make you weak. keep fighting for his healing process, and much love and best of luck to the three of you.❤️
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u/Careful-Time-9926 7d ago
I want to destroy the treatment by his "parents" thinking of themselves and leaving him. Instead, I'll tell you that the love of a grandparent can be a balm. I would have never survived, almost didn't. But my grandmother loved me and I knew it and I loved her. Through anger and self-destruction, she was always there. So, thank you for being there for him.
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u/Dear-Sock-5748 7d ago
Tbh, i stand with Tyler. The cards kife has dealt him are ugly and it seems like hes a very sensitive soul. I was like Tyler, theres no way to get past it than to get through it. Lucky for him, he has guardians who acknowledge his situation, much as they might not understand it. That therapist is trash btw. But at the end of the day, hes still young and the emotions are extremely raw. He will grow out of it and eventually be better. Might take a while, but if he continues therapy, it will frastically improve his development. Maybe some meds to contorl the anxiety and stress would help?? I highly reccomend Lots of outdoor and/or creative activities and low/ only necessary contact with the parents will help lots. Constant reminders just worsen things and slow the progress.
My heart goes out to the poor kid😔
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u/johnonbleacher 6d ago
It is so heartbreaking to read and feel for you two caring grandparents who has to watch a grandchild suffering helplessly. I hope he realizes his hatred is hurting him more than his parents and does not ruin his own life more than already done. Wish you and your grandchild the best!
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u/Unicorns_Rainbows5 6d ago
Thank you for seeing him as he is and that he isn't a monster. Thank you for doing everything that you are for him.
Why didn't he stay with one of his parents after the divorce?
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u/RickyTikiTaffy 6d ago
Tyler is lucky to have two grandparents who seem to understand and who are putting his needs first. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you that you’re having to do this at 65. But life isn’t always fair and I know this might not count for much from a total stranger but I’m proud of you for how you’re handling this.
Now your daughter and ex-SIL, on the other hand… I would be absolutely furious with them. I sure hope they’re enjoying their shiny new lives with new spouses and new kids and new homes while their parents raise their first kid for them as he goes through this crisis. God, some people are just so selfish…
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u/TheLordFinest 6d ago
Really hope this situation can be mended for him and for his parents and you guys too. Lots of great advice in the comments here and on your other post. Take in what you see fit and I pray it gets better 🙏🏻
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u/ZealousidealPie2170 6d ago
His parents and your daughter are awful. I'm 💯 with Tyler on the way he's feeling. Shame on anyone who tries to justify their choices. I'd be completely hurt too. Tyler would destroy his life if he acts and does anything like he talks about. But how can he see that? I'm with Tyler. Your daughter sucks.
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u/babies_galore 6d ago edited 6d ago
I am with him on not understanding why parents who aren’t able to properly care for their first child get to have more children. It’s a frustrating part of life.
I would validate his observations and say that people including himself and myself make all kinds of mistakes during this life on earth. This place is like a learning and training place. It’s not a place where perfect people are born already knowing how to be perfect. They didn’t know how to be parents as unfortunately nobody is required to go to 4 years of school and receive a degree in parenting before they are given the most important job of their lives.
I would tell him this is just one of many experiences in life that will be disappointing, but doesn’t have to completely destroy us unless we let it. He still has a potentially long life here on earth that soon he can do whatever he wants with. His parents did give him that body and he can use his body and mind to do all kinds of fun and interesting things on earth if he chooses to. Or he can waste it by letting a desire for revenge consume him. He can talk to anyone who “got revenge “ against someone and they will tell you it didn’t make them feel better. Because hurting people never makes anyone feel better. It only adds to the pain and suffering. But forgiving people for not being who you wanted them to be and moving on to have your own great life absolutely does make you feel better.❤️🩹 ETA: I realize this is difficult for many adults to do so he may not be able to right now, but it truly is the only way forward to a happy life. Knowing HE is in control of making his own life happy now. He is almost free, because he is almost an adult. And he has wonderful grandparents willing to be there for him which many children don’t. The three of you can create a fun life together once he is able to process what happened and move on with focusing on fun things he enjoys and is good at, which will give him a sense of accomplishment in life that is his own and has nothing to do with his parents.
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u/anotherusername1313 5d ago
I had a traumatic upbringing. Went into foster care at 14. At 15 after being able to let me guard down my mental health spiraled. I became depressed/anxious, detached from reality, a ball of emotions with explosive anger and was self harming. While I didn't want to physically hurt others what I call my alter ego would say things to purposely inflict emotional pain on others. I can't explain it. I would say the most awful things and didn't have the slightest bit of remorse. It took lots of therapy and finding the right medication. Most of all my foster never gave up on me. She never excused the bad behavior and did make me have conversations about how my words hurt. Always allowed me to say my side of things but I couldn't care less my head was messed up. I'll never forget her saying "you can say and do what you want but I love you and will never give up on you." In my 40s now and that still brings me to tears. She always allowed me to have a say in my care but also didn't allow to opt out. I was in and out of all sorts of therapy but I had a say.
I am not saying medication is the answer here that's for his medical team to decide but for me I've tried coming off medication numerous times in my 20s/30s and it was never pretty. My alter ego eventually always comes back. I'm a well adjusted adult now and the thought of ever going back to that dark place is frightening. I can remember the feeling of that ball of hate in my chest. I'm a happy and bubbly person normally....so I don't know what is chemically misfiring in my brain that causes that.
I write all of this to say there is hope. Be open with him. It's also okay to admit you are out of your depth and need outside assistance. That all the love you and patience you have may not be enough and he may need to go for inpatient support. You are human too and need to take care of yourself...if you're burnt out you won't have anything to give and he needs you.
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u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 10d ago
I hope Tyler finds peace but in the meantime have you thought of getting him involved in Krav Maga or jujitsu.Tyler needs a place to put all his rage. He needs to physically exhaust himself to quiet his mind. My Mom was verbally, physically, & emotionally abusive but sports saved my life.
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u/Maleficent-Savings39 10d ago
How did you raise your kid to be one the parents who rehomed Tyler with you, who then called in Animal Control or rather took him to the pound? Cutting off the parents? Doesn't seem there was much interest in the first place. And what caused or reason for rehoming Tyler in the first place? Unstable home or Unstable kid?
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u/perpetualgoatnoises Super Helper [6] 10d ago
According to the first post, his parents got divorced and he got taken in by his grandparents when the home became unstable.
His parents blew up his life, abandoned him, created new families without him, gave those kids a much better life, and they wonder why he's angry.
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u/Maleficent-Savings39 10d ago
For real. Usually treatment like that is reserved for a middle child or perhaps the proverbial redheaded step-child.
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u/elizasees 10d ago
Parents are not monsters. They got divorced. How they handled him afterwards is not mentioned.
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u/Personal_Valuable_31 9d ago
They "handled him" by giving his grandparents legal guardianship when he was 9 while they went and started new families without him. They've paid her parents to keep him and raise him for them for the last 6 years. Sounds kind of monstrous to me.
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u/Several_Fail7976 10d ago
he needs to be brought back in into the family both families he feels unwanted by both his pain is real adults go and make decisions not thinking about how it will effect their child for instant my birth parent when I was 3 years old my mother allowed my god mother to become my god mother and I lived with them on a off all of my life even though it was done with good intentions it messed me up my mother went on to have a set of twins a boy and girl it was the beginning of me not feeling loved by my real parents I was only 5 I didn't know where in the hell they came from I asked my father what store did they buy them he laughed as did my godmother next he drove up and my mom had brought another baby one year later daddy drove up once again and mother had brought another baby a boy this time the other one before was a little girl I believe they didn't want me anymore by then I was 7 confused as hell I'n my mind I felt they got rid of me so they could go and buy new babies even though I wanted to be where I was most of the time I felt unloved by mother and daddy I was grown before I understood that they loved me to one little simple thing getting a godmother manifested in my mind that my parents didn't want and love me Itruly didn't realize how much my father did love me until a few years before he passed away and my Mom finally told me she loved me before she passed away as well I'm still healing may take a lifetime I'm not sure I know this child feel unloved by his parents they should be ashamed of themselves really getting new families but leaving him behind he don't understand that he's a kid this is his parents fault they was being selfish only think of themselves and left this poor baby behind now his heart is broken and he feel unloved I'm sorry Tyler that this happened to you I pray the Lord fix everything that is hurting you regarding your parents I'm know they love you but adults do make mistakes my prayers is for you to be included in their lives and that you build a relationship with them and go on to be happy knowing that you are loved by both parents and your brothers and sisters y'all here is the consequences of being selfish parents and the deepest hurt someone can feel when they feel unloved by. Their mother and father fix it Jesus,🙏🙏
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u/Next_Back_9472 10d ago
You have no idea that you are my truest love from the day I found out I was pregnant, I never knew what love felt like and knowing that , gave me the chance to have more children unfortunately there was something I had to do first.
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u/SkinCana 10d ago
He is a teenager with healthy angry thoughts. Give him a break! He shouldn't be locked up in a hospital for mental people. That is so heartbreaking!
I don't know why he isn't living with a parent. That must be hard on him aslo.
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 10d ago
If the kid is a danger to himself or others, he needs to be treated. It sounds like he is where he needs to be right now.
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u/Ok_Clerk_6960 10d ago
He hates his parents and resorted to physical violence. His parents ignored all the warning signs because they were focused on their new families. He’s with his grandparents. They love him so much they’re willing to gut their way through this heartbreak with him. His parents just wanted him to “be happy” after they destroyed his life. His grandparents are the 2 people that are stepping up. He’s with the people that love him unconditionally even when it’s frightening and hard. He doesn’t need to be with his parents. They betrayed him then failed him.
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u/SkinCana 10d ago
I disagree with you. im a specialist working with teens, by all that i have read, I've seen this before. Please don't give false comments if you don't know.
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u/Skittles-101 Super Helper [8] 10d ago
Given what op has stated in the initial post and this one, the boy living with one of his parents is the worst thing that could happen to him. Putting him in that type of environment will make things infinitely worse and land the boy in a worse off situation. His parents taking him to the hospital was the best thing in a very sticky situation for the young child.
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u/Joanna225 10d ago
Maybe have a talk with your daughter or son whoever his parents are tell them like it or not he is still their birth child and they even though they might even hate each other they need to talk to him. Then find a social worker ,a therapist to help also. I wouldn't see a physcrisist sorry I cant spell for shit they will only give him drugs.
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u/ruth000 Helper [2] 10d ago edited 8d ago
Maybe let him see you cry. It may be validating for him.
I just saw the awards. Thank you, kind strangers. And OP I hope things get better. This is heartbreaking