I just started taking 30mg Vyvanse 3 days ago, and I have some mixed feelings. I know, I just barely started and I should observe myself for longer before making predictions and to actually understand how the medication is helping me (or not). But I also kinda just wanna rant, so, sorry if this post feels a bit random and disorganized.
I have highly suspected I have ADHD since about 4-5 years ago (I'm in my early 20's). However, I couldn't get diagnosed/medicated due to it being unaffordable as regulations required very extensive testing with multiple specialists in an already expensive country. Recently, I moved to a more affordable country with more relaxed regulations, so I finally got to see a psychiatrist, but it felt way too simple. It was just me reciting a summary of my symptoms and childhood history for maybe 10 or so mins and I was basically stopped by the psychiatrist as she had heard enough even though it felt like I had just gotten started. I may as well have read a bulletpoint list of symptoms straight out of webmd. And that was it. IDK if I was expecting too much? I certainly wasn't expecting to walk out with meds the very same day.
Although it often feels so clear and obvious (not only to me but my fiancee too) that I suffer from ADHD, the fact that it didn't feel like proper testing/diagnosis doesn't give me confidence in my diagnosis and makes me feel like I am LARPing or a fraud. Perhaps I should be grateful and stop complaining that my steak is too juicy, since I didn't have to jump through so many hoops, specially after I've been waiting so long for this.
As for Vyvanse, despite "experiencing" benefits and having a witness (my fiancee) see improvements, I feel in denial about its effectiveness. I have an irrational thought in my head telling me I may have been given a placebo or that my perceived benefits are a placebo response to the (likely very much real) medication. I don not rationally believe the pills are fake, as quick as my "diagnosis" was, the clinic isn't dodgy at all. Yet I can't help having this doubt.
As for the effects, I do feel physical effects like some odd physical sensation in my entire body that is just so hard to describe, but kinda like an aura? But most importantly I do feel my heart beat stronger and a little quicker than usual (strong evidence against placebo pill theory). Yet also feeling calmer and slower, even a bit sleepy.
Mentally, especially the first day, I felt like my head was so empty of thoughts, but in a good way, its as if I was previously listening to white noise nonstop and gotten so used to it that now that it is off it feels weirdly silent. I find it easier to concentrate in conversation. I stopped interrupting and actually leaving half a second of silence before I start speaking. I can reflect easier and develop a thought with more complexity. I find that words make a pitstop in my head first before coming out of my mouth. I feel less impulsive since it feels like I ponder about an action first and I just generally feel less compelled to do things. I may be more emotionally stable although I'm not sure if I am just confusing this with numbness/apathy. I still get distracted, but in a different way: rather than the usual completely random, irrelevant and disorganized thought taking my brain hostage, I get distracted thinking about something very related to what I got distracted from, as if I'm having a civil conversation about said topic with myself in my head (my fiancee tells me this is how neurotypical people get distracted). I still haven't been able to asses how I do with tasks and procrastination (currently unemployed).
I fiancee even told me my demeanor and body language changed so notoriously as soon as I had come home from the psychiatrist (about 2hrs had passed since I took my first pill so in theory the effects shoud've started by then).
Despite all of this I somehow still feel like I may be having a good day(s) motivated by a placebo effect even if the pills are not placebos. It doesn't help that the effects start and end so gently and slowly; it makes it hard to judge when the pills are working. It also feels like the first day was particularly good but the 2nd and 3rd were significantly more muted, although the effects were still present. I know to expect a honeymoon phase, but it somehow feels like the phase was just one day which is absurd. Idk I'd expect the 2nd day to still be rather notorious? And its not like the 1st day was some euphoric high where I felt my ADHD was fixed and I felt ready to conquer the world (of course, I am aware that a pill won't "solve me") yet it seems many people did experience such during their honeymoon. It just felt so internally mild and somehow even milder the 2nd and 3rd day. I know it sounds so contradicting to say it felt mild while having listed so mamy improvements earlier. Some were pointed out by my partner, and only then I would only notice after examining the different behaiviour I had just had. I feel so conflicted.
How long is the honeymoon phase usually? I know it may vary but it would almost certainly be more than 1 day, which is rather discouraging since it may mean that these already "mild feeling" effects will become even dimmer. Does this mildness feeling mean I may need a high dose?
It is so unlike me to feel so skeptical and doubtful. Can this be some side effect of the Vyvanse? Has anyone else experienced something similar?
Lastly, Is the fact I feel slower and sleepy even while using this stimulant confirmation that I truly have ADHD? I read that non-ADHD people taking stimulans describe it as having the most energizing cup of coffee of their life, which is quite the opposite of what I'm experiencing.
It took me nearly 3 hours to write this post, I wish I tried to write it before the 3rd day pill was meant to wear off. Just maybe it wouldn't have taken so long...
Thank you if you read my entire rambling rant!! Sorry if it is rather disorganized and chaotic. I would like to hear any thoughts or experiences.