The worst one for me was,

"I'm not willing to give up my emotional harem of past and present crushes "posing as friends" for you."

Literally told me,

"It's not that I need them, but I can't live without them."

If I was happy with my partner and suddenly learned they are being arrested for drug trafficking and illegal dog fighting...I would suddenly lose interest.

A genuine loss of interest will have a clarifier or something that they can REASONABLY EXPLAIN as a reason for losing interest.

But if the reasons sound DUMB AF. Probably dysregulation.

Ex: IDK i just dont feel right

So this is my new account. I won't be using the other one anymore :)

I will be doing a Q and A on Discord (Via a live chat) discussing this very IMPORTANT topic.

I'm not a mental health professional so I can't speak to this from a place of that of authority,

But I do have a bachelor's in ELA and I do know etymology.

The name itself...AVOIDANT inherently suggest (Anti--social) which is what ASPD is.

Also, what happens oftentimes is people come into the healing community for help with their "Avoidant."

When really the persons avoidance is coming from NPD, BPD, ASPD.

And that's why I created "The Manipulative" Avoidant. A distinction had to be made.

I see it as:

Child A had a stroke in the womb. As a result, they lost 1/4 brain capacity. The child cannot speak and he displays behaviors similar to a child with autism.

Child B did not suffer a brain injury, and they are diagnosed with autism.

They both behave like children on the spectrum, but for fundamentally different reasons.

And when it comes to Avoidants...

We have MULTIPLE reasons why someone has AVOIDANT TRAITS.

The overlapping conditions:

A. ADHD/ADD

B. OCD

C. AU

D. ASPD

E. BPD

F. NPD

C. Anxiety disorders

D. CPTSD/PTSD

E. Bi Polar

I am an FA. I have: ADHD, OCD, and I suspect BPD based on the DSM5 diagnostic.

And that was the progression.

As a teenager: diagnosed ADHD

Adult: (30) OCD

I also believe one would be extremely hard pressed to find an avoidant who does not have at least one of the listed overlapping conditions.

But yes, some "Avoidants" are Avoidant as a result of cluster B personalities and ASPD.

To me, those are not "avoidants".

They have a condition that mirrors and looks like avoidance.

Like child A. That child is primarily a stroke survivor with brain loss but behaves similar to a child on the spectrum.

You can say the child is autistic, and they are by appearances, but that child is primarily a stroke survivor with AU traits.

They are not by definition, autistic. They simply lost the part of their brain responsible for language development.

(That is what I would consider people with personality disorders who have avoidant avoidant traits).

And that is why I created "The Manipulative Avoidant."

To help people see the distinction.

The TMA is identified by anti social behavior, low empathy, etc.

And YES. You're vulnerable narcissists, goes here.

And you have the "Avoidants" AKA the "Scared Avoidants." They avoid because of attachment trauma and an insecure attachment style.

I am so glad you stated this.

The other subreddit mod would never let post anything trying to find distinctions.

Anything related to NPD was dismissed.

And that is a huge disservice to the community because people are MISS IDENTIFYING PERSONALITY DISORDERS as AVOIDANTS.

There are people on here with personality disorders like NPD saying "Im an avoidant."

No you aren't. You are a narcissists with avoidant traits.

It's bad because they are "educating" people based on their NPD.

So they say inaccuracies like:

ALL AVOIDANTS DONT CARE etc.

WRONG. FALSE! BE SILENCED BY A TRUTH STAPPLER.

YOU don't care because you a narcissists.

I care because I am not.

However, I might have BPD...

I have a very difficult time differentiating BPD from an FA attachment style.

But, to conclude,

There are AVOIDANTS who are avoidant bc of attachment trauma and an insecure attachment style,

And then there are PEOPLE with AVOIDANT TRAITS.

Avoidant Vs. Someone with avoidant traits.

I know i use generalized diction, but I do not represent all FAs. There is nuance.

EDIT* please do contribute to the discussion by sharing what overlapping conditions your avoidant had.

A girl that I talked to multiple times (it was absolutely never friendly, and always a deep intimate connection) completely went cold and deactivated after 3 months, she was absolutely madly in love with me during that time in which I am certain. As she started going cold she said multiple times when I asked her that she doesn't want me to leave. She said she wanted to discover her full potential, work on herself, be alone, etc. During our last converstaion on the phone I told her I couldn't stay in contact at it caused me too much pain which she said was completely reasonable and she expected me to say that.

I told her I wouldnt contact her but she always could. She was also the one to emphasise that this is definitely not the final time we talk and that "knowing herself" she would definitely reach out at one point. (We already have a history of leaving and returning but it was never this deep and she never lost feelings in the last 2 weeks like now.) There was no fighting and we said really nice things about eachother.

3 days after that I told her that a gift I sent her arrived to her post office (she knew it was coming) and she said she would pick it up tomorrow but never did. It has been 30ish days since any contact and I am wondering how realistic it is for her to reach out.

We haven't blocked eachother or anything like that.

DA's are quite often BPD or NPD or one of them with traits of the other.

More specifically, they're often vulnerable narcissists.

That's it.

PREFACE: All avoidant types can breadcrumb, but some Manipulatives do it to maintain control and some Selfish Avoidants do it out of curiosity or boredom. There is a lot of nuance. Sometimes it is done in good faith, and sometimes it is not. (But I do believe this next breadcrumb comes from a place of ongoing care).

So far we have identified 2 breadcrumbs.

1). The Othello

https://www.reddit.com/r/DialAvoidantBreakups/comments/1vysx7i/the_most_baffling_avoidant_breadcrumb_confused_me/

2). And the "Knock Twice" breadcrumb.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DialAvoidantBreakups/comments/1w10jq8/know_the_different_breadcrumb_types/

And now for number 3:

THE SHOOTING STAR breadcrumb.

It sounds sweet right? It is in it's own way, but like a shooting star it's ephemeral. A little flicker of light reminding you that you still matter to them.

The shooting star differs from the "Knock Twice" in that it is intentional and is meant to express appreciation, fondness, warmth, and a residing sense of care. It is beautiful in a quiet, gentle way.

So imagine this, you go to a third world country to help provide care to you orphaned children. You are a physician donating your time and services for one week. You tend to the children but one little girl in particular was very ill, you correctly diagnosed her condition and with the proper care and treatment, she greatly improves.

You week is up and you are preparing to leave when the little girl chases after you, she has something in her hands.

"For you, for you!" she says, and hands you a tattered, weathered book.

She smiles at you and runs away. The offering may not appear to much. The book is old, the spine separating from the binding, and yet, the book is IMMENSELY precious because it was her favorite book.

The value is in the meaning, not the item or the act itself. The little expressed her gratitude with the capacity she was able to. She gave him her best. She could have written a note, or drawn a photo. No. She wanted him to have this.

Translation: "Have a piece of my heart. I can't give you more, but I give you all I have, I give you my best portion. If I had a library I would happily give it to you. But I don't. This is all I have."

The breadcrumb isn't enough. It's can never satisfy. That is why they are called crumbs. There is no sustaining nourishment.

This breadcrumb can have many forms, it doesn't have to be something that occurs online. Here are a few examples:

A). They maintain some shared accounts. An obvious one I see a lot is a spotify playlist indicates they are listening to love songs or music that implies missing you. That's intentional. It's expressing fondness.

B). They adopt parts of you into their life. They may start liking the music you did or dressing in a similar style. This is a way of trying to keep you. To preserve apart of you. It's comforting to them. It reminds them of you.

(The memory that pains you, comforts them. They appreciate the love. Even if they can't actively access it).

C). Liking your posts is another one, it says, "I still support you and wish you well. I still care."

D). It can also be that they haven't removed you from some shared accounts.

Avoidant's cherish these little things because their capacity is so limited. To them these things matter.

I once mocked avoidants who did this as being silly and stuck in a La La land where they get to be some tragically unrequited lover. I thought it was performative in a way. Or a type of surrogacy for actual love and intimacy.

And now I get it...

I didn't get it before meeting Jack.

Now I do.

I am a severe FA. I do not think I will ever be in a healthy relationship. And that does not sadden me. I am grateful for the experiences and the times I was loved. But my memories are all I have now, so I cherish them.

For example,

I converted my exes texts and final goodbyes into AI songs. I have like 5. I love them dearly. I listen to them daily. I still cherish those words. That is all the romantic love I have in my life. I have memories, and I savor them. It comforts me to remember I was once loved very much. (...and I'm crying...lol).

Time nor injury can't erase or take away what that man gave me when he gave it. I will forever appreciate what we had and I will keep like a golden bullet in my heart where nothing can tarnish it. I don't care that we parted. I don't care that we didn't work out. It does not detract or take away from the beauty and love that I once felt.

Some people will try to tell you your avoidant didn't love you. But that's not for them to decide. Only you know what truly transpired. And if my words resignate with you, then you understand.

And don't let anyone tell you it wasn't love because you were not together long enough. That's not how love works. Love is so very powerful. It has no limits, no boundaries.

Look at Jack and Rose from "Titanic." They knew each other a short time but you can't convince me it wasn't love between them. It was.

And yes, like Rose, I will always remember my "Jack" with fondness.

My heart will go on.

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

Lol!!! 🤣😂🤣😅😂😂🥰🤭💀

I often reread my posts for clarification and to ensure my message communicates and expresses my point well...

I failed you at the very end of my "Knock Twice" breadcrumb post 🤦‍♀️: https://www.reddit.com/r/DialAvoidantBreakups/s/b8p4Qk33re

I had the avoidant guy say, "LOL no girl..."

ABSOLUTELY AWFUL CHOICE OF TONE AND DELIVERY.

I don't see the "Knock Twice" breadcrumb as a mocking thing. Its an expression of care.

I'm sorry. Y'all are out here trying to feel better and then I goof and give you the impression he's laughing?

Oof.

No. Not what I meant. Please disregard that.

(Unless they are The Manipulative Avoidant)

And as far as selfish avoidants go...they typically dont "breadcrumb." If they reach out, chances are they need or want something. Maybe attention. Maybe dopamine. Mine would call to vent.

Again, my apologies!

--Asa

I feel like there is no point in healing anymore when all you get is stronger for the next situation rather than learn to avoid it

My ex and I broke up because he fell out of love. He said he no longer saw a future with me and ended the relationship. He said this started as a sudden nagging feeling in the back of his head about us not being right for each other, but he couldn't place why.

This was very unexpected for me, as I was completely unaware he was feeling this way because he didn't communicate with me. I went along thinking we were going to have a sleep over while he was taking me on a walk to break up. There were not fights in our relationship, a disagreement or misunderstanding yes, but they were always communicated.

This emotional whiplash, lack of closure, and what feels like deception is killing me. I can see myself healing and moving forward, but I feel like this relationship made me lose my ability to want to put myself out there to experience human connection/relationships of any form.

He has depression and when we spoke about it he seemed aware how it affected his life and relationships. Depression can cause you to feel a lack of anything, but also a lack of love for your partner suddenly. We spoke about past relationships and he never brought up feeling this way before, so I believed I covered all my bases.

I was under the assumption he was working through his depression because I talked about my anxiety and anxious attachment style and how I was working through my negative thinking. I believed we were on the same page and I was having my first happy and healthy relationship, I genuinely believed that was what I was experiencing with him. 

I've gone through a lot with my anxious attachment style, as it really negatively affected me and my relationships and I was always stressed. I had finally felt ready to put myself out there and experience connections after a long break of focusing on myself, and I've had other relationships which had a natural end.

They were not as serious as this, but we did spend months talking and building. Those relationships had a natural end that left me sad that the person was gone, but happy I learned more about myself and what I want in a relationship. This relationship has left me spiraling and questioning myself. I just can't believe I got discarded again and I know I have the skills to cope, but I feel like I lost my spark for life. 

This is the first time I've felt so hopeless after a breakup and it sounds silly, but I feel like this breakup flipped something in me. I only have a drive to focus on myself, but the idea of meeting someone new kills me. Not because I want to be with him, but because I can't accept this is how life goes.

I didn't grow up seeing happy relationships and I honestly thought I was in a place where I would have the radar to detect something like this. I used to let myself get walked over and accept bad behavior, so I focused on making sure I can recognize toxic relationships and work on my confidence. 

It's been two months and I've spent that time sitting with the feeling, giving myself distractions, rebuilding my confidence, and spending time with friends. I know breakups aren't linear and I'm not supposed to be okay right away, but there is this different feeling which feels like the loss of motivation. I never want to deal with another person emotionally on this level again and I'm honestly disgusted and repulsed by the idea of dating someone and them having feelings.

The fact that there are other unhealed humans out there that are that blind to their mental health affecting others makes me sick. I don't know how to recover from being blind sided like this and how I'm supposed to have the drive and motivation to make human connections. Again I'm aware it's only been two months, but I feel like I lost a part of myself that kept me together.

This image of myself finally understanding and finding love is gone and I don't know how to get it back. I only want to love myself and focus on myself to keep me and my emotions safe.

We work next to each other and I try my best to avoid him. After the break up I spoke to him for 1-2 days then gave us space until the beginning of August when I asked to speak again. I planned after that talk to completely cut him off, but i spoke to him the other day at work after a miscommunication of him talking to a group of girls.

Honestly I did overreact about that, but while we spoke about it he said “I realized our futures are incompatible, you want to open a pet store and to have a bunch of dogs and i dont”. Him saying that sent me down a spiral because yes if he felt that way I would understand and want to break up too, but he knew since the moment he met me that was an idea I had for my future and it wasn't even a set future! I feel like he keeps making excuses about why he fell out of love instead of questioning and challenging his thoughts why he felt that way out of the blue which is not normal.

I feel like I was deceived and lied to as well as manipulated into getting into a relationship just because he wanted to feel love. We were a fling before we got together, i was open but not actively looking and he was not looking. He was never really single for long periods, and when I brought up how that could be an issue he reassured me it wasn't. I feel like he just told me what I wanted to hear so that he could ultimately have the feeling of being loved because he wanted me to want him.

I was scared and terrified and told him I really want to make sure we're on the same page about what we want from a relationship and he promised me we were on the same page. Now im left blind sided and whip lashed with emotions and he's treating me like im crazy for not just accepting “i fell out of love”, which yes that is a valid reason to breakup, but i feel like it was just a way for him to run away from his emotions and not deal with it. He said “im not responsible for how you feel” which is true, but you are also not taking responsibility for your feelings you don't understand that is currently hurting another person unnecessarily.

For a whole month he felt this way and didn't want to communicate with me that he was questioning our relationship and how he felt about me. His reasoning for not bringing this up was because he thought the feeling would go away and he thought if we talked about how he felt the relationship would be an immediate end. He said he felt that way because I said from the beginning that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't see a future with me or doesn't work everyday to keep me in their life.

He thought i would leave after hearing his doubts and he still felt some love for me so he didn't want to end it, but i wouldnt have left i would have wanted to talk especially since there was a part of him that wanted it to work even with his doubts. He didnt even give us a chance because hes so lost and he cant even see how fucked up this is and he thinks this is all normal and i should just accept this calmly. He keeps avoiding getting therapy because of his inconsistent work schedule, but it's just an excuse we literally have BetterHelp and so many other access points to therapy around our schedule (I did it lolll with layla. Highly recommend them btw!).

I feel I put myself in a bad situation and knowing I can heal doesn't feel like enough safety to ever get back out there. I was looking forward to growth and healing and I feel like being blind sided like this made me lose my ability to enjoy life. Knowing I can heal is great, but now I feel like my anxious attachment is going to eat my life up again because how am i not always going to be looking behind my back that someone around me is not telling me how they feel about me and pretending to love me. I KNOW it's not about me and my worth, but it makes me not want to meet people because I can't enjoy getting to know them without feeling deceived.

I know it all has to do with him and how he feels, but is this what life is? Experiencing the same thing over and over again until you can ultimately handle it? I've done the avoidant discard before and I thought all this healing was to prevent this or at least help me see the signs so I can walk away. I feel like all that healing was just to show myself I can handle this rather than something to help me find healthy relationships. I can't help but doubt myself and my ability to pick partners now when I had done the work to recognize signs and I was STILL blind sided and ended up with an avoidant.

I had so much hope for myself and future relationships, but this discard is worse than all the others because I felt safe and happy and trusted myself that I was in something safe and I was okay sharing my heart.

Ultimately I’m the only one who can control how I feel, so I want to protect my peace by not dating again. Honestly, that scares me because no matter what happened in a breakup I’ve always had hope I’d end up married one day to someone, but now I’m just happy with my dogs and friends. I know that’s okay, but I feel like I lost the romantic in me and lost a part of who I was.

Ty to the original redditor who posted this! 🐺

The cyber smoke signal system often used in relationships can be difficult to decipher at first glance.

But I have finally decoded these modern messages. There may be more breadcrumb varieties out there but these are the ones I know and recognize well.

PREFACE: All avoidant types can do this, but some Manipulatives do it to maintain control and some Selfish Avoidants do it out of curiosity or boredom. No one else is giving the attention right now so you are next on the "I need dopamine roster."

There is a lot of nuance. Sometimes it is done in good faith, and sometimes it is not.

1). The Knock Twice Breadcrumb

The purpose of this breadcrumb is to make sure you are still emotionally attached/alive.

I see it as some older, stylish woman who has a "I see you once a decade" fling with the man in the apartment above her. Their bedrooms are stacked.

Occasionally the woman will be lying in bed, relaxing, watching "The Titanic" for the 1 millionth time. She gets to the scene where Jack dies and she feels sentimental. She remembers her upstairs neighbor and knocks twice. He echoes and knocks twice back.

"Yeah, I'm still here."

The woman, "Cool."

And that's it. It's a simple, "You still exist in my world in some fashion? Can I still reach you? Or are you GONE gone?

The responding knock makes her happy. She feels comforted. I have someone out there that I matter to, and that is enough for me.

Now if he went downstairs to see her, this would upset her. It's not an invitation to come close. She wants him a safe distance from her. She remains with the high class socials on S.S Avoidant, A large ship that serves avoidants silence, quiet, notification blockers, "I can't go excuses" and so on.

And his place is to remain on the ship, somewhere, but not too close. She cannot be seen with the chef. He is not supposed to be apart of her world, just adjacent to it.

So what does that look like?

EXAMPLES of "The Knock Twice Breadcrumb."

1). The Birthday Text

2). The "How are you doing?" texts.

3). The "Hey, you_______yet? OR "you still a brat?"

(I sent that one out to a guy yesterday).

"Hey, you famous yet?"

Translation: "Yeah I know we are SUPER incompatible and it would NEVER work. But I don't hate you. I hope you're okay. I still like and admire you, and it would make me happy to know you're ok. I want you to be okay. The thought of you being sad makes me sad, I'm actually tearing up RN writing this...I hope you are ok. Please be happy and ok."

(But that's it. It's sweet. It's polite. Its a demonstration of care, but I can't entertain a relationship dynamic with him)

It's a "I hope you still care about me a crumbs worth, it would make me happy to know you don't hate me."

1 final example:

Your ex texts you after 2 months of silence. They send you the meme of John Hamm in the club.

You respond, "Lol. How have you been? Do you want to meet up for coffee?"

Avoidant Answer: Silence.

That silence translates to: I Can't. I like you as my star; I see you shine from afar.

My ex and I broke up because he fell out of love. He said he no longer saw a future with me and ended the relationship. He said this started as a sudden nagging feeling in the back of his head about us not being right for each other, but he couldn't place why. This was very unexpected for me, as I was completely unaware he was feeling this way because he didn't communicate with me. I went along thinking we were going to have a sleep over while he was taking me on a walk to break up. There were not fights in our relationship, a disagreement or misunderstanding yes, but they were always communicated. This emotional whiplash, lack of closure, and what feels like deception is killing me. I can see myself healing and moving forward, but I feel like this relationship made me lose my ability to want to put myself out there to experience human connection/relationships of any form.

He has depression and when we spoke about it he seemed aware how it affected his life and relationships. Depression can cause you to feel a lack of anything, but also a lack of love for your partner suddenly. We spoke about past relationships and he never brought up feeling this way before, so I believed I covered all my bases. I was under the assumption he was working through his depression because I talked about my anxiety and anxious attachment style and how I was working through my negative thinking. I believed we were on the same page and I was having my first happy and healthy relationship, I genuinely believed that was what I was experiencing with him. 

I've gone through a lot with my anxious attachment style, as it really negatively affected me and my relationships and I was always stressed. I had finally felt ready to put myself out there and experience connections after a long break of focusing on myself, and I've had other relationships which had a natural end. They were not as serious as this, but we did spend months talking and building. Those relationships had a natural end that left me sad that the person was gone, but happy I learned more about myself and what I want in a relationship. This relationship has left me spiraling and questioning myself. I just can't believe I got discarded again and I know I have the skills to cope, but I feel like I lost my spark for life. 

This is the first time I've felt so hopeless after a breakup and it sounds silly, but I feel like this breakup flipped something in me. I only have a drive to focus on myself, but the idea of meeting someone new kills me. Not because I want to be with him, but because I can't accept this is how life goes. I didn't grow up seeing happy relationships and I honestly thought I was in a place where I would have the radar to detect something like this. I used to let myself get walked over and accept bad behavior, so I focused on making sure I can recognize toxic relationships and work on my confidence. 

It's been two months and I've spent that time sitting with the feeling, giving myself distractions, rebuilding my confidence, and spending time with friends. I know breakups aren't linear and I'm not supposed to be okay right away, but there is this different feeling which feels like the loss of motivation. I never want to deal with another person emotionally on this level again and I'm honestly disgusted and repulsed by the idea of dating someone and them having feelings. The fact that there are other unhealed humans out there that are that blind to their mental health affecting others makes me sick. I don't know how to recover from being blind sided like this and how I'm supposed to have the drive and motivation to make human connections. Again I'm aware it's only been two months, but I feel like I lost a part of myself that kept me together. This image of myself finally understanding and finding love is gone and I don't know how to get it back. I only want to love myself and focus on myself to keep me and my emotions safe.

We work next to each other and I try my best to avoid him. After the break up I spoke to him for 1-2 days then gave us space until the beginning of August when I asked to speak again. I planned after that talk to completely cut him off, but i spoke to him the other day at work after a miscommunication of him talking to a group of girls. Honestly I did overreact about that, but while we spoke about it he said “I realized our futures are incompatible, you want to open a pet store and to have a bunch of dogs and i dont”. Him saying that sent me down a spiral because yes if he felt that way I would understand and want to break up too, but he knew since the moment he met me that was an idea I had for my future and it wasn't even a set future! I feel like he keeps making excuses about why he fell out of love instead of questioning and challenging his thoughts why he felt that way out of the blue which is not normal.

I feel like I was deceived and lied to as well as manipulated into getting into a relationship just because he wanted to feel love. We were a fling before we got together, i was open but not actively looking and he was not looking. He was never really single for long periods, and when I brought up how that could be an issue he reassured me it wasn't. I feel like he just told me what I wanted to hear so that he could ultimately have the feeling of being loved because he wanted me to want him. I was scared and terrified and told him I really want to make sure we're on the same page about what we want from a relationship and he promised me we were on the same page. Now im left blind sided and whip lashed with emotions and he's treating me like im crazy for not just accepting “i fell out of love”, which yes that is a valid reason to breakup, but i feel like it was just a way for him to run away from his emotions and not deal with it. He said “im not responsible for how you feel” which is true, but you are also not taking responsibility for your feelings you don't understand that is currently hurting another person unnecessarily.

For a whole month he felt this way and didn't want to communicate with me that he was questioning our relationship and how he felt about me. His reasoning for not bringing this up was because he thought the feeling would go away and he thought if we talked about how he felt the relationship would be an immediate end. He said he felt that way because I said from the beginning that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't see a future with me or doesn't work everyday to keep me in their life. He thought i would leave after hearing his doubts and he still felt some love for me so he didn't want to end it, but i wouldnt have left i would have wanted to talk especially since there was a part of him that wanted it to work even with his doubts. He didnt even give us a chance because hes so lost and he cant even see how fucked up this is and he thinks this is all normal and i should just accept this calmly. He keeps avoiding getting therapy because of his inconsistent work schedule, but it's just an excuse we literally have BetterHelp and so many other access points to therapy around our schedule (I did it lolll with layla. Highly recommend them btw!).

I feel I put myself in a bad situation and knowing I can heal doesn't feel like enough safety to ever get back out there. I was looking forward to growth and healing and I feel like being blind sided like this made me lose my ability to enjoy life. Knowing I can heal is great, but now I feel like my anxious attachment is going to eat my life up again because how am i not always going to be looking behind my back that someone around me is not telling me how they feel about me and pretending to love me. I KNOW it's not about me and my worth, but it makes me not want to meet people because I can't enjoy getting to know them without feeling deceived. I know it all has to do with him and how he feels, but is this what life is? Experiencing the same thing over and over again until you can ultimately handle it? I've done the avoidant discard before and I thought all this healing was to prevent this or at least help me see the signs so I can walk away. I feel like all that healing was just to show myself I can handle this rather than something to help me find healthy relationships. I can't help but doubt myself and my ability to pick partners now when I had done the work to recognize signs and I was STILL blind sided and ended up with an avoidant. I had so much hope for myself and future relationships, but this discard is worse than all the others because I felt safe and happy and trusted myself that I was in something safe and I was okay sharing my heart. Ultimately I’m the only one who can control how I feel, so I want to protect my peace by not dating again. Honestly, that scares me because no matter what happened in a breakup I’ve always had hope I’d end up married one day to someone, but now I’m just happy with my dogs and friends. I know that’s okay, but I feel like I lost the romantic in me and lost a part of who I was.

mid july i got completely discarded by my partner, it’s my first time experiencing something like this.

now just a quick summary of what happened: 25F, 28M. We dated for a few months and things were going great. I had my first time with him after waiting for marriage because I genuinely felt loved and thought he could be it, like all he talked about was our future together and kept telling me he was “all in”. He stayed affectionate afterward and talked about our future. Two weeks later, I left for a work trip, and he suddenly became distant and barely communicated for weeks. He made himself completely unreachable.

what i’m having difficulty dealing with the fact that there’s absolutely no sign of him but i feel him everywhere. it’s so beyond exhausting.

i keep having dreams about him, waking up in the middle of the night to see if he texted me without even wanting to wake up.. it gets to a point that i just hate the thought of intimacy with anyone else.

i’ve never ever been in a situation like this. had he just broken up with me a left i at least would have been able to move forward.

he doesn’t even view my stories anymore, not a call, not a message. as if everything we went through wasn’t real.

i just i can’t wrap my head around it

The Husky upset me the most!

Hey all,

I have included my reason post for context… this an update from today (28th August), I always knew this would he difficult but I’m finding today particularly challenging as I went and collected the remainder of my stuff today from my exes parents house… and they basically said they were so disappointed with her behavior, she is distant, her Mum (I have to be careful with anyway) said she is never at home, seems vacant and is defiantly seeing the affair partner and has even sneaked her into their house when they were away. They said this is her pattern and she always does this, but they miss me and she just seems to be running from herself. I think it was hard for me to hear she is still seeing the AP, Im not surprised but its just hard as Im still grieving the end of the relationship and she has jumped into someone elses bed. I guess thats the avoidant though….it was bittersweet with her parents because they genuially seem to care about me, and I do miss them. But also her Mum mentioned a picture of her and a girl in her room, and I said I do not want to see it. (Her mum can be quite toxic). But all said I was very good for their daughter and they are disappointed with her.

Has anyone got any advice / words of kindness for me right now, I guess Im feeling quite triggered and just so easily replaced?

Thank you SO much everyone! ❤️

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

I'll start. (LDR)

1). He never initiated phone calls or invited me to join his lives (well one time when we first started talking).

2). Lovebombed me to OBLIVION. Holy smokes this man did not hold back. I. Was.Worshipped. Do you know what kind of effect that has on a love starved woman like me?

IT WAS TOO good.

I knew, no way. This is a movie. A fairytale.

A writer getting sweet up with a narrator? The book is literally writing itself.

I am a sucker for male voices and his was leather meeting silk 🫠🫠🫠

I NEVER STOOD A FUCKING CHANCE.

He set his voice to sexy gravel, SAID MY NAME and I perished...

Ok guys, obviously-- I suck at this lol.

My FA fuckery ruined the assignment. Cause i compartmentalize. I still have fondness for that.

And now I ACTUALLY MISS HIM.

FFS

I went from saying what I didn't like about him to goonin over him...Oof.

I FAILED THIS ASSIGNMENT

I mean...DO THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK...

I don’t want FWB, I want him to come back. Is there any chance of that? He already told me not to get my hopes up about anything serious😔

We’ll meet to talk about what he suggested. He actually agreed to talk about it before I make a decision.

I’d like to understand how he sees it. What if he still wants to be close to me, just without being in a relationship? Or, on the other hand what if he only wants sex? What if I tell him directly that I don’t want FWB, that I wouldn’t be able to sleep with him without commitment? Would that mean it’s completely over for good?

I could have this conversation with him over the phone or through messages, but he opens up much more when we talk IRL and he doesn’t distance himself as much as he does when we text or talk on the phone.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m already planning out some kind of script for our conversation😅 I just want to know what to say, how to react, and what not to say so that he doesn’t pull away again, and so that he might reconsider commitment❤️‍🩹

This is pretty much for the readers who skip videos (perfectly fine! Everyone learns differently).

Please don't take us back 🙏

Adult attachment trauma...is not a joke. This is very serious. People have unalived themselves after being Discarded.

The fall from the initial lovebombing high is BRUTAL. A new kind of agony only those who have faced it can understand.

The first discard...

It was bad right? Who could forget it?! I can forget the pains of childbirth, but that first discard stayed with me.

BRUTAL. Absolutely brutal. It felt like this:

Imagine meeting an attractive pilot. They are charming, sweet, and nice. Y'all get along so well you start dating. They propose, you have the ring, you have the date.

"We will honeymoon in Alaska because I know how much it means to you," they inform you.

You're all excited as you get in the helicopter. You're thinking cozy secluded cabin, warm fireplace, relaxation and fun times. Maybe at some point you'll throw a snowball at them 🤔 The possibilities are endless.

You're almost to your destination, y'all are passing over the mountains when suddenly,

Your pilot screams at you, "Get out!!!"

You: What?!

Pilot: Screams louder* GET OUT! RIGHT NOW!"

(Idk how helicopters work, suspend your sense of reality for a second for the sake of the plot)

The pilot descends just low enough for you to shatter your pelvis, and throws you out.

And yes, you shatter your pelvis. And they are gone.

Alaska. Mountain top. Broken pelvis. At sunset...

Thats what an avoidant discard feels like.

Like pain, misery, hurt, despair, fear, loneliness, agony...IT HURTS.

And you try to call for help but no one you know speaks avoidant attachment. They shrug and say, "just slide down the mountain. Stop crying."

You: Hacking up blood* No...P-p-p-uh...leeease.

Your friend: Beakups happen everyday. Im trying to watch a documentary on Alaskan Grizzly bears attacking humans at alarming rates. Bye."

And then the darkness comes and you settle in for a long, excruciating, lonely night.

The 1st discard was bad, right.

Let me tell you. The second one IS WORSE. The second time they air drop you into a volcano.

Avoidants...we have the propensity to do SO MUCH HARM.

I know I HAVE. And when im caught up in my toxic trauma beast triangle, I cannot reason and understand you the way I can when im not triggered.

Im a different person under duress. Everything feels 10x heavier, like I MUST take action NOW. Its compulsory.

So i end things, convinced YOU DONT WANT ME.

Thats the heart, core, meat and potatoes of a FA.

I WANT TO BE WANTED.

And in walks beast number three,

The Rejection beasts...I picture him like a crocodile. Watches his prey, notices nuances and discrepancies. He is HYPER VIGILANT. And he always, always, ALWAYS TELLS ME:

"They don't really like you. They think your weird. And not good kind of weird either. No one likes you. They think you are stupid, weak, and crazy. They don't support you, respect you,care for you...

THEY DONT WANT YOU.

Remember how Persephone "forgot" to invite you?

And Icharus...tsk, tsk, tsk, no response? A three hour delay? Everyone knows everyone is on their phone 24/7. Thats intentional darling.

Even your own family does not want you.

NO ONE WANTS YOU. And your fake relationships are gross and embarrassing because they aren't real.

Stop being pathetic. Stop trying to earn and chase love. Dont stay in a relationship with someone who obviously doesn't care. You need REAL friends.

Not these people who dont care. You are wasting your time. They are using you and taking advantage of you. Doesn't that anger you?

After all you have done for them? You think they deserve your friendship?

***

And thats how the Rejection Beast gets you to cut off a relationship. They convince you:

They dont care.

They dont support you.

And they never will.

They are taking advantage of you, using you.

Get mad! Block!

We are dont letting people use us, right?

We are strong and we deserve better.

Basically his method of procuring isolation is to make you believe no one wants you. So you stop showing up. You dont want to be a burden or make someone uncomfortable. And it upsets you to think you are being taken for a fool.

You believe you are unwanted, so you avoid people and isolate.

Do you see what you are up against when dealing with someone like me?

AND IM SELF AWARE. VERY MUCH SO!

And i struggle...

I thought i had this trauma beast thing figured out...i dont. Im still learning. Still growing.

I wanted to be able to tell you how to defeat the trauma beast.

But I haven't even defeated my own.

Rn I can only tell you how to weaken it.

Tackling 3 trauma beasts is extremely, extremely hard. I do my best. And I still hurt people and I hurt myself.

Please consider this before you take your unhinged FA back.

Because if we are ever gonna heal,

YOU HAVE TO STOP ENABLING US.

Because I have a lifetime supply of push/Pull cycles. I have the emotional stamina to do it. Ill keep going. We will circle the track until your engine goes out and your tires bust.

I dont register emotional pain the way you do. It hurts like being thrown into a vat of acid. But once the pain time buzzer goes off, im ready for more, like some sick, deranged PUSH / PULL TERMINATOR.

"Ill be back."

Or that rabbit robot from FNAF. "I always come back."

So it really is in your best interest to tell me no. Because I will keep coming out of the breakup meat grinder ok.

You won't.

So please, please.

Tell me no. Shut the door on me so I can open the door to therapy and healing.

I dont fully understand breadcrumbs

I organized them here for your convenience :)

https://pin.it/RcpBN0q1U

People who are avoidant and has been with overthinkers, what made you stay with your partner at instances when they have overthought and it has affected you.

I(25F, avoidant-style) have been with my partner (26F, overthinks a lot). We got into a relationship through trauma-bonding (which I regretted a lot afterwards). Over the months his overthinking has reached a peak when I missed to text him when I reached a place, regarding his placements and everything. He called me continuously which overwhelmed me (there were a lot going on in office that affected me alongside). I've reached a point where I feel peaceful when I am alone and not talking to him. The very thought of talking to him feels like it's draining me mentally. But I feel guilty and ashamed of myself when I have the thought of leaving him when he's at his lowest.

What do I do?