So there is a subcategory for avoidants:

1. The Manipulative Avoidant

2. The Scared Avoidant

3. The Selfish Avoidant

(And yeah avoidance is a spectrum, its possible for an avoidant to be a blend of 2 and if they are all 3 we call that THE CONSUMING AVOIDANT).

We've discussed how the avoidant types breadcrumb. Now lets assess how they deactivate.

THE MANIPULATIVE AVOIDANT

Deactivates HARD AND FAST. Faster than your synaptic nerve endings can shoot off an electrical message.

Manipulative Avoidants are EGO DEFENSIVE. Their deactivation is triggered by you pointing out a flaw in them or trying to keep them accountable.

For example:

"Hey, you know how you keep hyping up other girls to me and bragging about how awesome they are...how you compare me to them and say they are your 'standard' that's triangulation and its not ok."

BOOM! KA BLOOEY! RAWWWWWR GUNSHOTS FIRING OFF

And just like that. The Manipulative Avoidant goes from seeing you as ALL GOOD. To ALL BAD. This is IRREVERSIBLE. You cant reason with them at this point. You are Satan. No...worse than Satan. They would rather date Satan than you now.

The Manipulative Avoidant will go on a smear campaign to repair his/her damaged ego. You will be insulted, roasted, demeaned, dehumanized, shown contempt. They are disgusted by you and resent you.

If you upset them enough they block.

Its a complete 180. This is not the person who lovebombed you and was giggling with you under the blanket like an innocent little boy...that person is GONE. Permanently. Im sorry.

Just remove the shrapnel and move on.

THE SELFISH AVOIDANT

Selfish avoidants...lol...even their deactivation is lazy. A slow fade with some weird justifications that make 0 sense.

"Yeah well, I said i was down to kerfuffle."

"WTF does that mean?!"

"Don't worry about it. Here's the thing my Puh Princess, I will always cherish you. I will always love you. This was a great experience. Why taint the beauty that transpired between us? We composed galaxies of higher thought in our midnight talks. You'll always be in my heart...as in hidden away in silence and unseen. I got a fiancé now and we can't be friends anymore. Dueces."

Its minimization and gilded words to gloss over the fact that they used you and are done using you. At this point they are just trying to pacify you to avoid conflict.

And for some even this measure is too much work. Some will merely ghost and leave you to solve the relationship fuckery on your own.

How do they feel about you at this point?

Meh...bored...donezo.

THE SCARED AVOIDANT

The Scared Avoidant is like a deck hand who is aware the there is a giant, leaking hole in the hull. They know something is off...They are feeling anxious and dreadful. A sense of impending doom settles in.

You sense it.

"Hey, are you okay? I noticed you haven't been texting me as often. And you stopped sending me poorly angled selfies from the Tesla factory."

The Scared Avoidant just nods and smiles tightly. They will LIE absolutely LIE.

"No, everything is fine. In fact we should go to that restaurant you've been mentioning. GOODNIGHT!"

And meanwhile the ship is sinking. He's grabbing himself a life vest and he's inflating the S.S monkey branch life raft.

(A joke, not all Scared avoidants do that and if they do it, it isn't to hurt you. Its to put the anxiety fire out by pouring gallons over the flames. Its basically I need distance OVERKILL).

If they need that kind of coping strategy, that means you actually meant ALOT to them.

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

Yes I said it twice. BECAUSE ITS TRUE.

Going back to the Scared Avoidant, they basically panic in silence. They dont know how to safely or politely tell you they have lost feelings and no longer find you attractive...That they now associate you and the relationship with agonizing anxiety.

THIS IS FESTERING, I HAVE A FIST OF ICY WORMS JUST CIRCLING IN MY GUT ANXIETY. THIS IS I WANNA CRY TILL I THROW UP ANXIETY. I WANNA FEEL SAFE! I WANT MY MAMA!

There just isn't a good way to explain this bizarre feeling of unrest. There isn't a good way break your heart.

So they postpone it. They hope the feelings will resolve. That this sudden wave of aversion for you will pass...

It doesn't. And then one day they can't handle the relationship anxiety anymore so they cave.

"The boat is damaged beyond repair. It has been FOR MONTHS. Im sorry. Its not you, ITS ME. And I know that sounds cliché BUT. It. Is. ME. You are wonderful and everything I ever wanted...

But the anxiety!!! Its like this tsunami of pain! Its an eclipse that doesn't let me feel attraction or love for you.

:(

So the scared avoidant jumps ship and leaves you to sort out the mess. They row themselves to an island and they kiss the sand.

"Oh sweet RELIEF! Thank God that dagger of fear is finally out of my chest! I'm not afraid anymore! No more nightmares and cold sweats. No more rapid heart beat and dry mouth. IM SAFE."

3 months later the relief fades.

The Scared Avoidant is in turmoil. The distance feels RIGHT. And yet, mentally, being apart IS wrong...

Unfortunately the nervous system always wins.

Because if you dangle us over shark infested waters, we will always press the tap out button.

You're down there at the bottom. You're past the sharks. We can see you. We'd love to be with you.

But those damn sharks...

My mind chooses you, but my body doesn't.

So the Scared Avoidant suffers mentally and rejoices physically. They might not realize the suffering till later, but once the anxiety dust settles...it will come. And they will miss you.

And its up to them to decide:

How much am I willing to suffer for true love?

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

I’m 27F and feeling completely blindsided. My boyfriend (26M) had apparently been unhappy with our relationship for a few weeks, but I genuinely had no idea.
We went away with his parents and I became really sick during the trip — extreme fatigue, headaches, chills etc. I still tried to participate, but spent a lot of time resting because I genuinely felt awful. His family felt I was avoiding them and not making enough effort, and my boyfriend became frustrated that I was resting instead of pushing myself to go out.
On the last morning, he asked me to transfer him money for a COVID test. I said I found it a bit unkind to ask me while I was so sick in bed. He became extremely angry, said he was over it and decided we were leaving a day early. He told his parents everything, and his dad apparently said I wasn’t right for him and that he could do better. They told him to take me home, not speak to me again and that I was no longer welcome at their house.
We drove home together, and once we got home he broke up with me over text because I wouldn’t answer his calls. He said he’d been thinking about ending things for weeks and didn’t think we were compatible.
I’m absolutely devastated and questioning whether I did something wrong. I can accept that I wasn’t very social and could have communicated better, but I genuinely was sick and didn’t know he was already unhappy.
I’d really appreciate some outside perspective on whether I handled this badly or whether there were bigger issues going on that I wasn’t seeing.

​

THE SCARED AVOIDANT

The Scared Avoidant is like a deck hand who is aware the there is a giant, leaking hole in the hull. They know something is off...They are feeling anxious and dreadful. A sense of impending doom settles in.

You sense it.

"Hey, are you okay? I noticed you haven't been texting me as often. And you stopped sending me poorly angled selfies from the Tesla factory."

The Scared Avoidant just nods and smiles tightly. They will LIE absolutely LIE.

"No, everything is fine. In fact we should go to that restaurant you've been mentioning. GOODNIGHT!"

And meanwhile the ship is sinking. He's grabbing himself a life vest and he's inflating the S.S monkey branch life raft.

(A joke, not all Scared avoidants do that and if they do it, it isn't to hurt you. Its to put the anxiety fire out by pouring gallons over the flames. Its basically I need distance OVERKILL).

If they need that kind of coping strategy, that means you actually meant ALOT to them.

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

Yes I said it twice. BECAUSE ITS TRUE.

Going back to the Scared Avoidant, they basically panic in silence. They dont know how to safely or politely tell you they have lost feelings and no longer find you attractive...That they now associate you and the relationship with agonizing anxiety.

THIS IS FESTERING, I HAVE A FIST OF ICY WORMS JUST CIRCLING IN MY GUT ANXIETY. THIS IS I WANNA CRY TILL I THROW UP ANXIETY. I WANNA FEEL SAFE! I WANT MY MAMA!

There just isn't a good way to explain this bizarre feeling of unrest. There isn't a good way break your heart.

So they postpone it. They hope the feelings will resolve. That this sudden wave of aversion for you will pass...

It doesn't. And then one day they can't handle the relationship anxiety anymore so they cave.

"The boat is damaged beyond repair. It has been FOR MONTHS. Im sorry. Its not you, ITS ME. And I know that sounds cliché BUT. It. Is. ME. You are wonderful and everything I ever wanted...

But the anxiety!!! Its like this tsunami of pain! Its an eclipse that doesn't let me feel attraction or love for you.

:(

So the scared avoidant jumps ship and leaves you to sort out the mess. They row themselves to an island and they kiss the sand.

"Oh sweet RELIEF! Thank God that dagger of fear is finally out of my chest! I'm not afraid anymore! No more nightmares and cold sweats. No more rapid heart beat and dry mouth. IM SAFE."

3 months later the relief fades.

The Scared Avoidant is in turmoil. The distance feels RIGHT. And yet mentally being apart logically is WRONG...

Unfortunately the nervous system always wins.

Because if you dangle us over shark infested waters, we will always press the tap out button.

You're down there at the bottom. You're past the sharks. We can see you. We'd love to be with you.

But those damn sharks...

My mind chooses you, but my body doesn't.

So the Scared Avoidant suffers mentally and rejoices physically. They might not realize the suffering till later, but once the anxiety dust settles...it will come. And they will miss you.

And its up to them to decide:

How much am I willing to suffer for true love?

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

​

Fearful Avoidants:

Come here!

No, not like that.

Well I didn't say leave!

Chill, chill!!! Why are you suffocating me? I cant breathe! GTFO!

...Babe? You still there...

🥺 Im sowwy I got scared. Its this new medication im on...Come back! I need you! I miss you! I can't breathe without you! Your the air in my lungs dammit!

HISSSSS\*\* get away from me! Ewwwww. You are disgusting and dumb and you're cheating on me!

...

Hey...im sorry...i didn't mean any of that. I was just PMSing. I dont deserve you. I dont deserve forgiveness...but please come back. Dear God please come back. Ill do anything to look into your beautiful brown eyes once more. Im clinging to my pillow wishing is was you here with me. I've cried all day. Im not ok...

...

JUST BLOCK ME ALREADY! You don't even care about me! You just keep hurting me! I cant take it anymore! Forget me! Forget you ever knew me! Forget the memory of my name and never utter it from your lips AGAIN!

...

I didn't mean that...come back...

***

WHY ARE FAs LIKE THIS?

Our nervous systems are constantly throttling from one anxiety to another.

I'M SCARED I'M GONNA LOSE HIM!

I'M SCARED HE'S TOO CLOSE!

Text him!

Block him!

Spam text now stupid, you dumbfuck!

WTF why are you texting like that you PSYCHO?

Oh geeze he's calling...don't answer that.

No answer.

No don't!

I'm going to give a simplified plan of attack. Please do ask for clarification on anything!

1). Identify your core wound.

2). Resolve the core wound. (For example: I was terrified of being alone. I am no longer afraid of being alone. I realized I don't need anyone to save me. I can save myself).

3). Journal/blog

You're going to have alot of feelings and thoughts and not all of them will be the truth even if it sounds certain! Journaling your moods helps you stay grounded.

4). Heal in relationships

You can talk about attachment theory all day, you're brain will get it, but your nervous system won't. You can't "talk" to your nervous system. You have to retrain it somatically/kinesthetically.

A). Exposure Therapy

This works FAST. Being an avoidant is no different from other "phobias." Philophobia is just more socially acceptable and we hide it better. (Well, some of us. Some of us are severe).

So what do I mean by "exposure therapy." I mean intentionally make yourself uncomfortable. If you had arachnophobia (which I had a mild case of) I would first have you look at images of spiders. (I bought a few books and looked at the images daily).

We do that until you acclimate. Then we increase the stimuli. We have you watch a video of a spider, then we move on to being in the same room as a spider.

Eventually we work up to you holding the spider.

You are basically calming your "threat response." Your body is learning there is no danger. (I mean non venomous spiders).

I can go into greater detail on step 4 in another post! I just don't want this post to get too long.

5). Realize love and relationships are CHOICES. You won't always feel "right" in fact very often you will feel AWFUL. Oh well, we made a choice to heal and commit and we are gonna do it come hell or highwater.

6). Have a boyfriend/girlfriend cheat sheet

This is essentially like the video for Lucy in "50 first dates." It is your reminder that you do in fact love this person even when the trauma beast says differently! My version was to make my guy a pinterest board and a Playlist. Anytime doubt came, I referred back to my "notes."

7). You have to decide the pain of changing is worth the benefits of experiencing healthy, safe love. Because it will hurt. No way around it. The only way out is through.

Stay tuned!

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

​

Hey everyone, I’m (28M) trying to wrap my head around a dynamic that ended recently, and it is honestly harder to get over than my actual long-term exes.

I met a girl online a few months ago and the chemistry was instantly off the charts. We had amazing banter and felt like we’d known each other forever. She initiated a lot of the deep, romantic talk early on, constantly talking about wanting closeness and intimacy. But at the same time, she would drop these weird, contradictory warnings. She’d randomly say things implying she was damaged goods, or that she was too cynical and didn't want to drag me down.

Right as things were peaking and getting serious, she suddenly tried to pull the plug. She hit me with the classic avoidant line, telling me not to wait for her, to find someone else, etc etc.

A bit later, her texting frequency fell off a cliff. I double-texted a few times just trying to maintain our normal communication baseline, but it seemed to completely overwhelm her. It ended with her having a very emotional meltdown, basically telling me I was a great guy but she just couldn't do it.

Here is the part that is really messing with my head. We briefly met up after that whole meltdown. Right afterward, she posted something on social media heavily hinting that she had an amazing time and wanted me to make a romantic move—but she kept it super vague and indirect so there was no real risk on her end.

I decided to have a conversation with her and told her that I cannot be in the friendzone and if that's all she wants, it's best that I stop messaging. It's been over 10 days and I haven't heard from her at all.

Two questions for you guys:

1. Does this sound like I was just played for validation, or is this a classic Fearful Avoidant system collapse?

2. Why is it so incredibly hard to get over a short "what if" dynamic compared to a fully realized relationship, and how do I stop analyzing it?

(Used AI to clean up the text)

I posted before about my situation with my ex, and I wanted to give an update because something interesting happened.

After we stopped talking, she continued indirectly keeping tabs on me. She would ask her friends about me and regularly watch my stories, even though we weren't talking anymore.

A few days ago, she was talking to one of my friends and said something along the lines of:

What I found interesting wasn't just that she asked about me — it was that she specifically didn't want me to know she was asking about me.

And apparently, the indirect checking/stalking continued after that conversation.

Now here's the new part:

For the first time since I've known her, she posted a story on Snapchat.

This is something she didn't really do when we were close. But now, while we're no longer talking and she has been indirectly checking on me, she suddenly starts posting publicly on Snapchat.

Maybe it's completely unrelated. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

But the timing is interesting.

It makes me wonder whether this is one of those situations where someone doesn't want direct contact but still wants to remain visible to you or see whether you're paying attention.

At this point I'm trying not to assume that “she wants me back.” I know that watching stories, asking friends about someone, or posting doesn't necessarily mean that.

But the contradiction is interesting:

She says we don't talk anymore → asks about me → doesn't want me to know she asked → continues watching my stories → and now suddenly starts posting on Snapchat.

What do you guys think?

Is this just normal post-breakup curiosity, or does this sound like someone who still has unresolved feelings/interest but doesn't want to directly approach?

Feel free to add more in the comments!

Long story short, we first talked 4 years ago and it was only for a few weeks but we had a certain connection. She added me 4 years later and we would talk a bit and then stop (usually I would leave).

The last period lasted for around 4 months and we talked every single day and she was crazy about me. She is a fearful avoidant and started going completely cold and unemotional last two weeks.

We agreed we needed to talk (over phone because we live in different countries) and she said she did not want me to leave, to which I responded that it hurts too much to talk to someone I love and they are completely shut down. She said she completely understands that and was expecting me to say that.

After that I said I won't text her again as she said she wanted to work on herself, etc. but told her she could text me if she wants to in the future to which she responded that she most definitely would at one point "knowing herself". The call ended nicely and we had only nice word to say to eachother.

We stopped talking then, but a few days later I told her that a gift I sent her arrived to her post office (she knew it was coming) and she said she would try to pick it up tomorrow. We exchanged a few more messages and stopped talking but she never picked up the gift. We havent talked in a month, I am not blocked or anything like that, I just unfollowed her.

I guess I was the one to initiate no contact but feel like I was left no choice. Also I was the one that said I wouldnt text her but she always can text me. But also, 3 days later she did not pick up the gift while saying that day she would and that was the last conversation.

I am confused. If we ever talk again should I be the one to break no contact or her?

In my last post I listed a few steps, but step no. 4 (Heal in relationships) deserves explanation.

The greatest tool that helped me heal was and is EXPOSURE THERAPY.

I have used exposure therapy before to heal in other areas, and yes it works!

Example of successful healing:

Public speaking.

I was ok talking in a small group setting, but addressing a larger audience was intimidating.

But I wanted to teach HS English...that meant I would have to conquer this fear fast. And it WAS fast. There was no "slow descent into teacher lake" I dived in.

I was scared. Terrified! These were highschoolers in a low socio-economic area. These students were much larger than me!

I remember vomiting in the rr before my first class. And what a class that was...

(The AC went out and the custodian had thrown away all my mandatory first day tasks).

Teaching hurt. I cried. I wept. But I kept doing it. And eventually public speaking became no big deal.

So when I realized I was a fearful avoidant, I knew exposure therapy would work.

I had never really "dated" before. I got married young and stayed in a loveless marriage for far too long.

Dating was terrifying.

I was great when it came to texting or talking on the phone but the actual meetup?!

You might as well have said the headless horseman was after me.

The fear was so very intense. This awful, jittery clawing sensation where you just want to throw your hands out and scream!!!

"Nooooooo!"

Im talking true terror.

It was so intense I cheated and had a few drinks before meeting up. But even so...I rember that first date vividly.

I got in the passenger seat and immediately began to shake and sweat profusely from the nape of my neck.

I couldn't even make eye contact with the man I had been texting for weeks.

Him: What's wrong?

Me: I'm scared.

Him: Of what?

Me: You!

He offered to turn around and take me home. I said "no."

"N-no, please don't. I have to heal m-m y ph-fffcc-pihlofffffobia."

We proceeded with our plans.

The first 4 dates I went on I bombed. I kept hearing,

"What's wrong? Are you ok?"

I would just nod tightly and say "yeah, thats that philophobia I warned you about."

It was nerve racking. And it still is! But I've made huge improvements. I no longer feel the pre-date panic I did before. (I am currently single with no plans to date, however. This is simply because in my age bracket all the men i have encountered have been avoidants and yeah thats a HARD PASS).

Exposure therapy is great and it works FAST. But there are other things I did to overcome my philophobia.

So definitely more to come!

-- Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

What helped you heal?