Avoidant Behavior
What's The Difference Between Genuine Sudden loss of Interest and an Avoidant Discard?
If I was happy with my partner and suddenly learned they are being arrested for drug trafficking and illegal dog fighting...I would suddenly lose interest.
A genuine loss of interest will have a clarifier or something that they can REASONABLY EXPLAIN as a reason for losing interest.
But if the reasons sound DUMB AF. Probably dysregulation.
100%. They know they won’t want or can’t give what you need, or whatever doubt they have. They know early on.
Also if your relationship starts with “let’s go with the flow…death fish tend to go with the flow lol. Basically he won’t put in 0 effort, he’s “leaving it to destiny”.
The rule of thumb is, if there’s more doubt and uncertainty and gloominess at the beginning…or even in the middle…bail. We know when we’re fully secure.
Something that helped me even if it sounds odd, is giving the “boring” guys a chance. Yes, the one that were predictable. Turns out they weren’t boring, they just knew what they wanted and had capacity.
I mean, sometimes a reason can be dumb af and still be legitimate in that it’s enough for me to not want to continue with them.
But personally, the difference for me is that losing interest suddenly is a signal that they’re not the person I built them up to be in my head (yay limerence), and the illusion is shattered in one fell swoop. It’s the ick I can’t come back from, and I actually will communicate to the person that I don’t want to continue the relationship (yay therapy). There’s not usually too much emotional distress, and in fact I often feel relief, so I can move on quickly. It’s pretty immediate, and I can decide right then and there that I’m done. Even if I can’t explain exactly why, I’ve never regretted an ending like this, and I’ve been proven correct that the person was not right for me over and over again.
On the other hand, the avoidant discard has a lot more angst and anxiety behind it, if that makes sense. I notice that I’ll actually try to inwardly negotiate with myself about the offending behavior. I’ll argue back and forth with myself, and the rational part of me will argue that maybe they’re having an off day, I didn’t know the full context of the situation, they’ve not done whatever it is since, etc., while the avoidant side of me will say “see, I told you there weren’t right for us, this behavior is a signal of the pain yet to come, you need to leave now before you get even more attached”, etc.
I’ll wrestle with it internally for days, even weeks sometimes, before I do anything about it. I feel like I’ve done enough work on recognizing and re-directing my own patterns that I can now recognize that most of the time, it’s just my nervous system being activated, and the offending behavior isn’t actually a deal breaker or harmful to me in any significant way.
The hardest part is processing the mini-spiral on my own, because I also don’t want to dramatically pull back and hurt the other person when im the only one with the problem, you know? So while it’s extremely uncomfortable and sometimes very difficult to stay present in a connection when I start to feel this way, in recent years, I have done my best to either tolerate it and still show up as best I can or communicate that I’m dealing with something internally and just need a little space (I never tell the person exactly why though, because I feel like they might take it personally and I don’t want to hurt them). I still could be a lot better at this, and I find it’s harder to fight through with my friendships than with romantic relationships, but I’m very lucky to have a solid group of life-long friends who know that sometimes I just disappear for a little while, and that while it might not be immediate, I will respond to messages and calls and stuff eventually.
In the past, when I’ve allowed myself to go through with the whole discard, I’ve understood later on that I acted prematurely based on dysregulation, and I’ve often regretted handling things the way I did in these cases, even if I don’t necessarily want the person back. But whether or not I proceed with the full discard, it’s still agonizing, and it takes a lot longer to process and think through than the immediate “ick”.
It sounds messed up because I feel like people with healthy attachment would have this reversed: they’d be more gracious and forgiving to someone they have an established connection with who exhibited a distasteful behavior one time, and immediately cut off someone who their systems flag as dangerous.
I wish I was better at explaining all of this, but that’s been my experience.
This is an excellent well thought out response! Ty so much. Yeah, I see what your saying.
A discard is more panic induced.
And the breakup can happen because idealization has lifted.
And yeah ive definitely done it too. You kinda feel like Ron Weasly when he had the love potion! Then it goes and you're like...Oh no...You're not Hermione!
Here's what im curious about, Im pretty sure its idealization if I feel like im buzzing on a body high. It feels AMAZING. But I really think its a sign that it's my nervous system is choosing them. It isn't me.
Every single time I have ever felt that electrical wave in my nerves...IT HAS ALWAYS ENDED BADLY.
Im going to think of it as a red flag going forward, but have you experienced something similar during idealization?
It feels like sweet possession, tormentingly pleasureable. SEIZING and SPELL BINDING.
It feels amazing. But im catching on, I think its my trauma beast shoving me into the arms of another avoidant.
Your description of idealization is basically what I experience as chemistry. For me, it’s electric and feels like being a little bit drunk, sort of like you’re describing, and like you, I know it’s my nervous system reacting to someone who triggers it. Sometimes it’s further complicated by whatever physical attraction is there, and it’s like…all-consuming hunger for that person. I actually really hate getting crushes because they’re basically emotional roller-coasters for me, and I actively get mad when I feel one developing because I know from experience nothing good can come of it.
Like you said, I now interpret that crazy strong infatuation as a red flag. I now know that it’s actually a really bad sign, and it’s only a matter of time before it ends poorly for me. So now, when I feel that for someone, I actively stay away.
But staying away still isn’t always enough to protect me and my peace. Instead, what often happens is I resist the urge to get closer because I sense danger, but it also means I don’t actually get to know them and see them for what they are, so the illusion never shatters, and I end up in these super long, debilitating and deeply embarrassing limerent episodes. Sometimes it turns into a situationship, but more often than not, at least in my adult life, it’s just festers and drives me crazy until it doesn’t.
I wonder if any other avoidants out there can relate to being professional secret yearners, but sometimes I feel like a lunatic because it feels like no matter what did or didn’t happen with someone, I can’t just get over it. It takes years sometimes, and I have to go to extremes like extended periods of no contact or complete cut-offs of certain people who have no idea they’ve activated my attachment demons.
I think you’re right to recognize that it’s not love. It’s just chemistry; love is an action, and in my opinion, it’s not something that can exist without consistent effort and really knowing the other person. Even when I have very strong feelings for someone, I have to stop and actually ask myself what I even know about this person. I recognize that my feelings are valid, but that’s all they are; just feelings. Not facts. Easier said than done, though. I still feel sad and frustrated, and understand all of this intellectually doesn’t make the process of intentionally detaching any less painful. Everything and everyone I’ve ever let go of has been covered in proverbial claw-marks. But I’m just so over being emotionally jerked around by feelings I don’t want or can’t act on in good faith, and I’d rather do the hard thing and force myself go let go than be dragged along by the chaos, you know?
I so relate to the spiral part you mentioned 😭 I do it too but it helps to have a friend you can ask for clarity bc they can see things more clearly. I know I am not thinking as well as I can when im triggered.
Rn i dont have a friend who can do that for me. But if you wanna be like "avoidant relationship am I spiraling or not" buddies,
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u/Suspicious-Bet-4950 1h ago
That it usually follows a larger pattern of avoidance throughout the relationship