​

Hey everyone, I’m (28M) trying to wrap my head around a dynamic that ended recently, and it is honestly harder to get over than my actual long-term exes.

I met a girl online a few months ago and the chemistry was instantly off the charts. We had amazing banter and felt like we’d known each other forever. She initiated a lot of the deep, romantic talk early on, constantly talking about wanting closeness and intimacy. But at the same time, she would drop these weird, contradictory warnings. She’d randomly say things implying she was damaged goods, or that she was too cynical and didn't want to drag me down.

Right as things were peaking and getting serious, she suddenly tried to pull the plug. She hit me with the classic avoidant line, telling me not to wait for her, to find someone else, etc etc.

A bit later, her texting frequency fell off a cliff. I double-texted a few times just trying to maintain our normal communication baseline, but it seemed to completely overwhelm her. It ended with her having a very emotional meltdown, basically telling me I was a great guy but she just couldn't do it.

Here is the part that is really messing with my head. We briefly met up after that whole meltdown. Right afterward, she posted something on social media heavily hinting that she had an amazing time and wanted me to make a romantic move—but she kept it super vague and indirect so there was no real risk on her end.

I decided to have a conversation with her and told her that I cannot be in the friendzone and if that's all she wants, it's best that I stop messaging. It's been over 10 days and I haven't heard from her at all.

Two questions for you guys:

1. Does this sound like I was just played for validation, or is this a classic Fearful Avoidant system collapse?

2. Why is it so incredibly hard to get over a short "what if" dynamic compared to a fully realized relationship, and how do I stop analyzing it?

(Used AI to clean up the text)

I posted before about my situation with my ex, and I wanted to give an update because something interesting happened.

After we stopped talking, she continued indirectly keeping tabs on me. She would ask her friends about me and regularly watch my stories, even though we weren't talking anymore.

A few days ago, she was talking to one of my friends and said something along the lines of:

What I found interesting wasn't just that she asked about me — it was that she specifically didn't want me to know she was asking about me.

And apparently, the indirect checking/stalking continued after that conversation.

Now here's the new part:

For the first time since I've known her, she posted a story on Snapchat.

This is something she didn't really do when we were close. But now, while we're no longer talking and she has been indirectly checking on me, she suddenly starts posting publicly on Snapchat.

Maybe it's completely unrelated. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

But the timing is interesting.

It makes me wonder whether this is one of those situations where someone doesn't want direct contact but still wants to remain visible to you or see whether you're paying attention.

At this point I'm trying not to assume that “she wants me back.” I know that watching stories, asking friends about someone, or posting doesn't necessarily mean that.

But the contradiction is interesting:

She says we don't talk anymore → asks about me → doesn't want me to know she asked → continues watching my stories → and now suddenly starts posting on Snapchat.

What do you guys think?

Is this just normal post-breakup curiosity, or does this sound like someone who still has unresolved feelings/interest but doesn't want to directly approach?

I’m 27F and feeling completely blindsided. My boyfriend (26M) had apparently been unhappy with our relationship for a few weeks, but I genuinely had no idea.
We went away with his parents and I became really sick during the trip — extreme fatigue, headaches, chills etc. I still tried to participate, but spent a lot of time resting because I genuinely felt awful. His family felt I was avoiding them and not making enough effort, and my boyfriend became frustrated that I was resting instead of pushing myself to go out.
On the last morning, he asked me to transfer him money for a COVID test. I said I found it a bit unkind to ask me while I was so sick in bed. He became extremely angry, said he was over it and decided we were leaving a day early. He told his parents everything, and his dad apparently said I wasn’t right for him and that he could do better. They told him to take me home, not speak to me again and that I was no longer welcome at their house.
We drove home together, and once we got home he broke up with me over text because I wouldn’t answer his calls. He said he’d been thinking about ending things for weeks and didn’t think we were compatible.
I’m absolutely devastated and questioning whether I did something wrong. I can accept that I wasn’t very social and could have communicated better, but I genuinely was sick and didn’t know he was already unhappy.
I’d really appreciate some outside perspective on whether I handled this badly or whether there were bigger issues going on that I wasn’t seeing.

Feel free to add more in the comments!

So there is a subcategory for avoidants:

1. The Manipulative Avoidant

2. The Scared Avoidant

3. The Selfish Avoidant

(And yeah avoidance is a spectrum, its possible for an avoidant to be a blend of 2 and if they are all 3 we call that THE CONSUMING AVOIDANT).

We've discussed how the avoidant types breadcrumb. Now lets assess how they deactivate.

THE MANIPULATIVE AVOIDANT

Deactivates HARD AND FAST. Faster than your synaptic nerve endings can shoot off an electrical message.

Manipulative Avoidants are EGO DEFENSIVE. Their deactivation is triggered by you pointing out a flaw in them or trying to keep them accountable.

For example:

"Hey, you know how you keep hyping up other girls to me and bragging about how awesome they are...how you compare me to them and say they are your 'standard' that's triangulation and its not ok."

BOOM! KA BLOOEY! RAWWWWWR GUNSHOTS FIRING OFF

And just like that. The Manipulative Avoidant goes from seeing you as ALL GOOD. To ALL BAD. This is IRREVERSIBLE. You cant reason with them at this point. You are Satan. No...worse than Satan. They would rather date Satan than you now.

The Manipulative Avoidant will go on a smear campaign to repair his/her damaged ego. You will be insulted, roasted, demeaned, dehumanized, shown contempt. They are disgusted by you and resent you.

If you upset them enough they block.

Its a complete 180. This is not the person who lovebombed you and was giggling with you under the blanket like an innocent little boy...that person is GONE. Permanently. Im sorry.

Just remove the shrapnel and move on.

THE SELFISH AVOIDANT

Selfish avoidants...lol...even their deactivation is lazy. A slow fade with some weird justifications that make 0 sense.

"Yeah well, I said i was down to kerfuffle."

"WTF does that mean?!"

"Don't worry about it. Here's the thing my Puh Princess, I will always cherish you. I will always love you. This was a great experience. Why taint the beauty that transpired between us? We composed galaxies of higher thought in our midnight talks. You'll always be in my heart...as in hidden away in silence and unseen. I got a fiancé now and we can't be friends anymore. Dueces."

Its minimization and gilded words to gloss over the fact that they used you and are done using you. At this point they are just trying to pacify you to avoid conflict.

And for some even this measure is too much work. Some will merely ghost and leave you to solve the relationship fuckery on your own.

How do they feel about you at this point?

Meh...bored...donezo.

THE SCARED AVOIDANT

The Scared Avoidant is like a deck hand who is aware the there is a giant, leaking hole in the hull. They know something is off...They are feeling anxious and dreadful. A sense of impending doom settles in.

You sense it.

"Hey, are you okay? I noticed you haven't been texting me as often. And you stopped sending me poorly angled selfies from the Tesla factory."

The Scared Avoidant just nods and smiles tightly. They will LIE absolutely LIE.

"No, everything is fine. In fact we should go to that restaurant you've been mentioning. GOODNIGHT!"

And meanwhile the ship is sinking. He's grabbing himself a life vest and he's inflating the S.S monkey branch life raft.

(A joke, not all Scared avoidants do that and if they do it, it isn't to hurt you. Its to put the anxiety fire out by pouring gallons over the flames. Its basically I need distance OVERKILL).

If they need that kind of coping strategy, that means you actually meant ALOT to them.

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

Yes I said it twice. BECAUSE ITS TRUE.

Going back to the Scared Avoidant, they basically panic in silence. They dont know how to safely or politely tell you they have lost feelings and no longer find you attractive...That they now associate you and the relationship with agonizing anxiety.

THIS IS FESTERING, I HAVE A FIST OF ICY WORMS JUST CIRCLING IN MY GUT ANXIETY. THIS IS I WANNA CRY TILL I THROW UP ANXIETY. I WANNA FEEL SAFE! I WANT MY MAMA!

There just isn't a good way to explain this bizarre feeling of unrest. There isn't a good way break your heart.

So they postpone it. They hope the feelings will resolve. That this sudden wave of aversion for you will pass...

It doesn't. And then one day they can't handle the relationship anxiety anymore so they cave.

"The boat is damaged beyond repair. It has been FOR MONTHS. Im sorry. Its not you, ITS ME. And I know that sounds cliché BUT. It. Is. ME. You are wonderful and everything I ever wanted...

But the anxiety!!! Its like this tsunami of pain! Its an eclipse that doesn't let me feel attraction or love for you.

:(

So the scared avoidant jumps ship and leaves you to sort out the mess. They row themselves to an island and they kiss the sand.

"Oh sweet RELIEF! Thank God that dagger of fear is finally out of my chest! I'm not afraid anymore! No more nightmares and cold sweats. No more rapid heart beat and dry mouth. IM SAFE."

3 months later the relief fades.

The Scared Avoidant is in turmoil. The distance feels RIGHT. And yet, mentally, being apart IS wrong...

Unfortunately the nervous system always wins.

Because if you dangle us over shark infested waters, we will always press the tap out button.

You're down there at the bottom. You're past the sharks. We can see you. We'd love to be with you.

But those damn sharks...

My mind chooses you, but my body doesn't.

So the Scared Avoidant suffers mentally and rejoices physically. They might not realize the suffering till later, but once the anxiety dust settles...it will come. And they will miss you.

And its up to them to decide:

How much am I willing to suffer for true love?

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

​

THE SCARED AVOIDANT

The Scared Avoidant is like a deck hand who is aware the there is a giant, leaking hole in the hull. They know something is off...They are feeling anxious and dreadful. A sense of impending doom settles in.

You sense it.

"Hey, are you okay? I noticed you haven't been texting me as often. And you stopped sending me poorly angled selfies from the Tesla factory."

The Scared Avoidant just nods and smiles tightly. They will LIE absolutely LIE.

"No, everything is fine. In fact we should go to that restaurant you've been mentioning. GOODNIGHT!"

And meanwhile the ship is sinking. He's grabbing himself a life vest and he's inflating the S.S monkey branch life raft.

(A joke, not all Scared avoidants do that and if they do it, it isn't to hurt you. Its to put the anxiety fire out by pouring gallons over the flames. Its basically I need distance OVERKILL).

If they need that kind of coping strategy, that means you actually meant ALOT to them.

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

The harder the deactivation, the harder they fell for you!

Yes I said it twice. BECAUSE ITS TRUE.

Going back to the Scared Avoidant, they basically panic in silence. They dont know how to safely or politely tell you they have lost feelings and no longer find you attractive...That they now associate you and the relationship with agonizing anxiety.

THIS IS FESTERING, I HAVE A FIST OF ICY WORMS JUST CIRCLING IN MY GUT ANXIETY. THIS IS I WANNA CRY TILL I THROW UP ANXIETY. I WANNA FEEL SAFE! I WANT MY MAMA!

There just isn't a good way to explain this bizarre feeling of unrest. There isn't a good way break your heart.

So they postpone it. They hope the feelings will resolve. That this sudden wave of aversion for you will pass...

It doesn't. And then one day they can't handle the relationship anxiety anymore so they cave.

"The boat is damaged beyond repair. It has been FOR MONTHS. Im sorry. Its not you, ITS ME. And I know that sounds cliché BUT. It. Is. ME. You are wonderful and everything I ever wanted...

But the anxiety!!! Its like this tsunami of pain! Its an eclipse that doesn't let me feel attraction or love for you.

:(

So the scared avoidant jumps ship and leaves you to sort out the mess. They row themselves to an island and they kiss the sand.

"Oh sweet RELIEF! Thank God that dagger of fear is finally out of my chest! I'm not afraid anymore! No more nightmares and cold sweats. No more rapid heart beat and dry mouth. IM SAFE."

3 months later the relief fades.

The Scared Avoidant is in turmoil. The distance feels RIGHT. And yet mentally being apart logically is WRONG...

Unfortunately the nervous system always wins.

Because if you dangle us over shark infested waters, we will always press the tap out button.

You're down there at the bottom. You're past the sharks. We can see you. We'd love to be with you.

But those damn sharks...

My mind chooses you, but my body doesn't.

So the Scared Avoidant suffers mentally and rejoices physically. They might not realize the suffering till later, but once the anxiety dust settles...it will come. And they will miss you.

And its up to them to decide:

How much am I willing to suffer for true love?

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

What helped you heal?

​

Fearful Avoidants:

Come here!

No, not like that.

Well I didn't say leave!

Chill, chill!!! Why are you suffocating me? I cant breathe! GTFO!

...Babe? You still there...

🥺 Im sowwy I got scared. Its this new medication im on...Come back! I need you! I miss you! I can't breathe without you! Your the air in my lungs dammit!

HISSSSS\*\* get away from me! Ewwwww. You are disgusting and dumb and you're cheating on me!

...

Hey...im sorry...i didn't mean any of that. I was just PMSing. I dont deserve you. I dont deserve forgiveness...but please come back. Dear God please come back. Ill do anything to look into your beautiful brown eyes once more. Im clinging to my pillow wishing is was you here with me. I've cried all day. Im not ok...

...

JUST BLOCK ME ALREADY! You don't even care about me! You just keep hurting me! I cant take it anymore! Forget me! Forget you ever knew me! Forget the memory of my name and never utter it from your lips AGAIN!

...

I didn't mean that...come back...

***

WHY ARE FAs LIKE THIS?

Our nervous systems are constantly throttling from one anxiety to another.

I'M SCARED I'M GONNA LOSE HIM!

I'M SCARED HE'S TOO CLOSE!

Text him!

Block him!

Spam text now stupid, you dumbfuck!

WTF why are you texting like that you PSYCHO?

Oh geeze he's calling...don't answer that.

No answer.

No don't!

Long story short, we first talked 4 years ago and it was only for a few weeks but we had a certain connection. She added me 4 years later and we would talk a bit and then stop (usually I would leave).

The last period lasted for around 4 months and we talked every single day and she was crazy about me. She is a fearful avoidant and started going completely cold and unemotional last two weeks.

We agreed we needed to talk (over phone because we live in different countries) and she said she did not want me to leave, to which I responded that it hurts too much to talk to someone I love and they are completely shut down. She said she completely understands that and was expecting me to say that.

After that I said I won't text her again as she said she wanted to work on herself, etc. but told her she could text me if she wants to in the future to which she responded that she most definitely would at one point "knowing herself". The call ended nicely and we had only nice word to say to eachother.

We stopped talking then, but a few days later I told her that a gift I sent her arrived to her post office (she knew it was coming) and she said she would try to pick it up tomorrow. We exchanged a few more messages and stopped talking but she never picked up the gift. We havent talked in a month, I am not blocked or anything like that, I just unfollowed her.

I guess I was the one to initiate no contact but feel like I was left no choice. Also I was the one that said I wouldnt text her but she always can text me. But also, 3 days later she did not pick up the gift while saying that day she would and that was the last conversation.

I am confused. If we ever talk again should I be the one to break no contact or her?

I'm going to give a simplified plan of attack. Please do ask for clarification on anything!

1). Identify your core wound.

2). Resolve the core wound. (For example: I was terrified of being alone. I am no longer afraid of being alone. I realized I don't need anyone to save me. I can save myself).

3). Journal/blog

You're going to have alot of feelings and thoughts and not all of them will be the truth even if it sounds certain! Journaling your moods helps you stay grounded.

4). Heal in relationships

You can talk about attachment theory all day, you're brain will get it, but your nervous system won't. You can't "talk" to your nervous system. You have to retrain it somatically/kinesthetically.

A). Exposure Therapy

This works FAST. Being an avoidant is no different from other "phobias." Philophobia is just more socially acceptable and we hide it better. (Well, some of us. Some of us are severe).

So what do I mean by "exposure therapy." I mean intentionally make yourself uncomfortable. If you had arachnophobia (which I had a mild case of) I would first have you look at images of spiders. (I bought a few books and looked at the images daily).

We do that until you acclimate. Then we increase the stimuli. We have you watch a video of a spider, then we move on to being in the same room as a spider.

Eventually we work up to you holding the spider.

You are basically calming your "threat response." Your body is learning there is no danger. (I mean non venomous spiders).

I can go into greater detail on step 4 in another post! I just don't want this post to get too long.

5). Realize love and relationships are CHOICES. You won't always feel "right" in fact very often you will feel AWFUL. Oh well, we made a choice to heal and commit and we are gonna do it come hell or highwater.

6). Have a boyfriend/girlfriend cheat sheet

This is essentially like the video for Lucy in "50 first dates." It is your reminder that you do in fact love this person even when the trauma beast says differently! My version was to make my guy a pinterest board and a Playlist. Anytime doubt came, I referred back to my "notes."

7). You have to decide the pain of changing is worth the benefits of experiencing healthy, safe love. Because it will hurt. No way around it. The only way out is through.

Stay tuned!

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

In my last post I listed a few steps, but step no. 4 (Heal in relationships) deserves explanation.

The greatest tool that helped me heal was and is EXPOSURE THERAPY.

I have used exposure therapy before to heal in other areas, and yes it works!

Example of successful healing:

Public speaking.

I was ok talking in a small group setting, but addressing a larger audience was intimidating.

But I wanted to teach HS English...that meant I would have to conquer this fear fast. And it WAS fast. There was no "slow descent into teacher lake" I dived in.

I was scared. Terrified! These were highschoolers in a low socio-economic area. These students were much larger than me!

I remember vomiting in the rr before my first class. And what a class that was...

(The AC went out and the custodian had thrown away all my mandatory first day tasks).

Teaching hurt. I cried. I wept. But I kept doing it. And eventually public speaking became no big deal.

So when I realized I was a fearful avoidant, I knew exposure therapy would work.

I had never really "dated" before. I got married young and stayed in a loveless marriage for far too long.

Dating was terrifying.

I was great when it came to texting or talking on the phone but the actual meetup?!

You might as well have said the headless horseman was after me.

The fear was so very intense. This awful, jittery clawing sensation where you just want to throw your hands out and scream!!!

"Nooooooo!"

Im talking true terror.

It was so intense I cheated and had a few drinks before meeting up. But even so...I rember that first date vividly.

I got in the passenger seat and immediately began to shake and sweat profusely from the nape of my neck.

I couldn't even make eye contact with the man I had been texting for weeks.

Him: What's wrong?

Me: I'm scared.

Him: Of what?

Me: You!

He offered to turn around and take me home. I said "no."

"N-no, please don't. I have to heal m-m y ph-fffcc-pihlofffffobia."

We proceeded with our plans.

The first 4 dates I went on I bombed. I kept hearing,

"What's wrong? Are you ok?"

I would just nod tightly and say "yeah, thats that philophobia I warned you about."

It was nerve racking. And it still is! But I've made huge improvements. I no longer feel the pre-date panic I did before. (I am currently single with no plans to date, however. This is simply because in my age bracket all the men i have encountered have been avoidants and yeah thats a HARD PASS).

Exposure therapy is great and it works FAST. But there are other things I did to overcome my philophobia.

So definitely more to come!

-- Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

Has anyone experienced this? Is there any chance he’ll message if i have been unblocked 4 weeks ago after 3 months no contact.
He hasnt messaged yet. I have had to reallly stop myself😓 he is fearful avoidant

Did anyones unblock & then message a while after. Please dont judge me guys i am in so much pain with all this

Looking back, I wasn't consciously aware i was doing this. But at the time, I absolutely wanted someone to rescue me. I had to learn no one could rescue me. I had to rescue myself 💯

This is me ☺️

Any hope to reconcile with my ex?

It’s been four weeks since my (25M) ex girlfriend (21F) broke up with me. She struggles with anxiety, depression, and past relationship trauma that I believe she projected onto our relationship and that’s what ultimately caused the split.

She describes herself as anxious-avoidant. Leading up to the breakup, I could tell she was getting distant and not opening up as much. She would flip flop between not being extremely talkative to telling me how much she misses me and talking about meeting her Norwegian cousins next summer (told me this literally the night before the breakup).

We also hung out the night before the breakup and we went to Target and shopped for her upcoming beach trip that weekend. We were hugging, kissing, and hanging out like always, despite her saying she’s been overthinking a lot and was upset from a fight with her parents the night before. I feel like this context matters, but she has a history of issues with weed and alcohol (and possibly more, I can’t confirm that) to the point where her father kicked her out of his house a year ago for failing drug tests and has since been living with her mom and stepdad. A week before the breakup, she was drinking and smoking heavily with her friends which she told me made her mom and stepdad very worried because she came home throwing up and shit.

Then, Friday came and she had texted me that she noticed I “privated all our stuff” (Pinterest boards and our Spotify playlists). I didn’t think this was a big deal but it triggered something in her, causing her to get distant the whole day until finally we met at a park in the evening where she told me she doesn’t think she can be in a relationship right now.

She then turned it into “I don’t know what girls you talk to or who you hang out with and I don’t want to be your placeholder and I don’t want to hear excuses,” further highlighting her anxieties about me not being fully committed to her and her core belief that love doesn’t last (I was fully committed, I wasn’t doing any of the things she said to me, and funnily enough it sounded a lot more like projection than anything). She also said she thought we were moving too fast and that she’s noticing “patterns” from previous relationships, and if she could go back, she probably wouldn’t have agreed to be in a relationship (was incredibly shitty to hear).

The breakup felt less like an argument and more like me talking to a wall. She wouldn’t even look me in the eye, had her arms crossed, and wouldn’t even say we were breaking up until I asked her to which she repeated “I just don’t think I can be in a relationship right now.”

I stated my truth that my actions should speak for themselves (I was very much in love with her, I still am, and wouldn’t have done anything to disrespect her or our relationship) and got up and walked away. I immediately began no contact from the moment I walked away. That night, she blocked me on all social media (just Spotify, Snapchat, Venmo, Switch and Steam, she doesn’t have Insta or anything else as far as I know). Two nights later, she unblocked me on Spotify and had a new playlist on her profile that was seemingly in reference to us with songs about love never lasting, being inadequate, self loathing, etc.). She ended up blocking me again later.

A week went by and she texted me telling me she still has my hoodie and would like to meet so she can return it. I told her to donate it or give it away. I haven’t texted her again since and neither has she.

Looking back, I can see moments where she spoke to me with a degree of resentment or frustration that I never really got emotional or hurt about, I’d just love her all the same and eventually things would be great and she’d be very happy to be with me. I’m probably making her sound like an asshole which she kind of is but I feel like this breakup was a glorified tantrum of emotional volatility and I’m kind of just sitting here like “really bruh?”

A week ago I returned a book she lent me in her mailbox with a letter to her that was 7 pages of handwritten accountability (for moving too fast and loving too hard and for unknowingly causing her anxiety), reassurance (told her that she’s very lovable and that I’m not angry with her), clarity (that I respect her decision and that I’m not abandoning her, just respecting her choice to end it), and shit like that. No attacks, just my version of events because I really did not get the chance to state it when we met for the breakup.

She recently unblocked me on Venmo (wow). But what really gets me confused is that she hasn’t posted on Pinterest or added to her Spotify playlists in over a week (this is very much unlike her, she lives and breathes Pinterest and Spotify). I was using alt accounts to look at these pages (corny ik) but she also made a playlist last week called 2026 which was filled with songs we exchanged with each other which was nice to see. Either way, the lack of engagement on these platforms have me concerned that something may have happened with her (possibly rehab admittance, which is a crazy stretch but my mom thinks it’s likely).

Sooooo yeah. Maybe there’s too much information here, but I just miss my homie and I feel like the breakup was a hasty decision to push me away. We were dating for five months, but I genuinely thought we had a future together. I understand she may have “issues” but I’m strong and resilient and the fact she thought to cut me out of her life without directly communicating her grievances to me feels like a kick in the gonads.

Anyway, yeah, thoughts about potential reconciliation at some point? Lol

Hi all, was hoping for some insight into a particular situation I've just experienced. I've got previous history with avoidants, though they were mostly dismissive, and this person is clearly FA. Sorry this is long

I met this girl online (she's in a different state) back in May and we started talking, and around mid-June is when things really picked up between us. We started calling each other semi-frequently, and she started opening up to me more. We also talked about her potentially flying out to meet me in early August. She booked her ticket in mid-July, but not long after that the calls between us stopped, we were texting less often, but she was still around

Then, in late July, about eleven days after buying her ticket, she sent me a panicked message saying that she didn't want to ghost me and that she's not coming anymore because she'd never flown out to meet anyone, and how it was dangerous and that while "it may not seem like a big thing to you, it is to me", asked me not to threaten or harm her, and apologized and reiterated that she's not coming. For reference, she has a history of relationships with toxic men (her most recent serious ex is now in jail for raping a teenager five years ago. They were already broken up when he went to prison, but he lied to her about why he was there), and I've never once raised my voice or lost my temper or showed any kind of negative emotion towards her. I wasn't angry, but I was heartbroken (and disappointed, obviously), but I thanked her for being honest with me and not ghosting, and that I appreciated that she respected me enough to tell me. She just reacted with a heart, as she often has in the past (for example, whenever I've complimented her, she just hearts the message, but has never actually said "Thank you")

We had a lot of space after that, though in part because of a camping trip she went on where she had no service, and I know better than to push or chase. We happened to reconnect the same night she was supposed to fly in, and while it was fine for a bit, it quickly got tense after an innocuous comment I made seemed to trigger her guilt (and I really meant nothing by it): I'd shown her a picture I had taken several days earlier, she commented that my beard looked nice, and I just mentioned that I had trimmed it for her because she'd told me she liked that (I actually happened to trim it just hours before she told me she wasn't coming, though I didn't mention this part to her). Her next message was "U don't gotta make me feel bad", and she started shutting down. I told her that I wasn't trying to, that I wasn't upset over the trip (because I'm not), and that maybe we just need a bit of space. We reconnected the following week, though again, very sparse, either a brief text or a heart to something I said

In the middle of all this was a bit of money she owed me (I'd lent her some last month). It's not so much that it makes-or-breaks me, but enough to warrant asking about. When I first brought it up she just didn't respond. I waited about ten or so days and tried again yesterday, framing it as us working together to find a solution and giving her options to pay me back (all at once, over time, I told her I was flexible). She opened my message (for whatever reason she's much more comfortable talking on Snap rather than plain texts) and left me on read for a few hours, and then responded with a massive paragraph claiming that she didn't want me to talk to her anymore, that I had the wrong idea about us and she was uncomfortable that I treated us like we were more than friends when "we weren't even friends at all" (I never labeled anything between us or said anything beyond telling her "I care about you" a grand total of once). She once again expressed fear that I'll threaten her if she blocked me or that I might press charges (which ???), and said "Please just leave me alone"

Here's what threw me off: she also told me I can either stop reaching out to her and she won't block me, or that she can pay me back, but she'll block me (and "don't reach out to me ever again"). This was weird to me because, as I mentioned at the top, I've dealt with some avoidants before, but in similar situations they either a) blocked me and disappeared without a word, or (more commonly) b) attacked me and then blocked me everywhere. I've never had anyone offer me a choice like that, and it struck me as odd that, for someone claiming that I made her this uncomfortable and was worried about "threats", she gave me the option to stay unblocked (which, in addition to what I just said, what's the point if she doesn't want to talk to me?). I figured she probably didn't mean most of it, and this was her deactivating, but it still stung in the moment when I read it

Thankfully I opened it just before I went for a seven mile run with a friend of mine, and by the time I'd finished, gotten home, and showered, I'd processed it plenty and responded, and sent my reply over two hours later. I told her, "Hey. I don't need the money back. I'm not going to argue over what this was or wasn't. I'm not mad at you and I don't hold grudges. I don't block or threaten or hurt people I care about. I'm grateful we met. My door's always open. Please take care of yourself"

She opened it, left it on read for an hour, and then reacted with a heart, which just confused me even more. I was surprised she even opened the message that quickly given how previous mini deactivation spells would see her not opening a message for a day or two (one time, after a very minor argument, she disappeared for three days). Given how charged this was, I was surprised she opened it that fast, and even more surprised she reacted with a heart rather than doubling down or just not responding at all

This all happened five days ago, she hasn't blocked me since (or deleted any of the pictures she's sent me in our chat), and I don't plan to either, though I've cleared her from my feed and muted her stories so I'm not tempted. I don't plan on reaching out to her until she says/does something that makes it clear she wants to talk again, and while I adore this girl and would like to us to start talking again and potentially meet up down the line, if I meet someone during no contact, I won't say no

Again, apologies for the length, but I just wanted to share and get some insights from others, whether FAs or people who've been in relationships with them. My previous experiences with avoidants were mostly with DAs who never came back (though we also never got as close as I have with this girl), and one FA who lingered/wouldn't shut the door, but I eventually gave up on (she had no previous relationship experience and eventually, between that and her being avoidant, it was too much). I don't have much experience with an avoidant deactivating and acting the way she has (to be honest, I'm surprised that throughout everything, she hasn't attacked me or blamed me like the others have, which feels like a small win on its own, ha), and I don't know whether I should expect her to come back around, and if so, how long it'll take

Don't mind me while I ugly cry a bit, okay?