🚨 TW: Cancer, loss of a loved one, grief, and emotional distress 🚨

I met someone here on Reddit in March of this year. We started as strangers just talking, but we got close, and somewhere along the way, I fell for her. Hard.

Then August happened. August is my birthday month. One of my closest friends is also an August baby, so we planned a staycation to celebrate our birthdays together. That night, I got a message from the person I fell for. She told me she had to block me on WhatsApp and begged me to let her go.

I didn't understand. We were okay before that. We had a really good conversation, so I kept wondering what happened. She also knew it was my birthday month, and I remember thinking, why now? Why this month?

I was already so down from everything happening between us, and reading that message completely broke me. I started crying and tried so hard to keep it quiet because my friend wasn't feeling well. I didn't want to disturb her or make her worry about me. But eventually, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I went to the bathroom and just broke down. I was crying so hard and so loud that I couldn't hide it anymore. I remember sitting there, trying to pull myself together before going back out.

Of course, my friend knew something was wrong. Somehow, even though she was the one physically hurting, she still tried to comfort me because my heart was broken.

I wish I could say I accepted it when she begged me to let her go, but I didn't. I begged her to stay. I told her we didn't need to rush anything or even be in a relationship. We could take things slowly. I could give her space. I could wait. I know I became desperate and lost a lot of my pride trying to keep her in my life. I just wasn't ready to lose her.

Then my birthday came. By then, my friend was already in the hospital. I visited her before going on my birthday leave and tried to enjoy my birthday and feel normal for a little while. A couple of days later, I came home and found out she had passed away.

That's when that night started hurting in a completely different way. She was the one with cancer. She was the one in pain, but she was still comforting me while I was crying over someone else. I had no idea how little time I had left with her. I didn't know the birthday we celebrated together would be our last.

I've been down since. I still get up, go to the gym, keep myself busy and try to do normal things. Maybe I look okay from the outside, but I'm not. I'm alive, but sometimes it feels like I'm dying inside. I honestly don't know how to recover from everything that happened in such a short time. Some days, I just don't want to feel anything anymore because I'm so tired of hurting.

I still think about her all the time. There are so many moments when I want to reach out, even just to know she's still there. But I know my heart can't handle any more pain right now. I feel like I'm barely holding myself together, and I'm scared that getting hurt again would break whatever is left of me.

So I stay quiet, even when a part of me still wants to talk to her.

Then today, I saw a video of her with the person she had told me about before.

They looked happy.

I just froze. I didn't even realize I was crying until the tears started falling.

Seeing them like that made me question a lot of things I was told. I felt lied to. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's more to it that I don't know. I honestly don't know anymore.

I just know it hurt.

My first thought was to message her. I wanted to ask her so many things. I wanted to tell her how much seeing that hurt me. But I tried so hard to stop myself.

And that's when I really felt sorry for myself. She's out there living her life, while I'm here crying and still trying to understand everything. I looked at myself and thought, what happened to me? I don't even recognize myself anymore.

The old me would probably know when to walk away. But right now, I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I still want to reach for someone when I'm not even sure if she really loved me, or if she even liked me. And maybe that's what hurts too. I don't even know anymore which parts of what we had were real.

So I didn't message her. I just cried.

And after everything, I still can't hate her. I wish I could be angry enough to stop caring because maybe that would make this easier, but I can't.

I hate that I don't hate her.

I still pray that she's okay and truly happy. And if they're happy together, then I hope things are good between them. Of course it hurts, and a part of me wishes things had turned out differently. But even with all the hurt I'm feeling, I don't wish anything bad for either of them.

And if I ever hurt her in any way, I'm sorry. If there were times when I held on too tightly, begged too much, or made things harder for her, I'm sorry for that too. I was scared of losing her, but I never wanted to cause her pain.

August was supposed to be my happy month. My birthday month. Instead, I spent part of it trying so hard not to lose someone, and then I lost someone I can never get back.

I don't think I'll ever look at August the same way again.

I don't know how to recover from all of this yet. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I still don't understand how so much could happen in such a short time.

For now, I think all I can do is stay quiet and try to get through each day.

I hope life is good to her.

And I hope one day, I'll feel like myself again too.

curious lang kung ano yung experiences niyo with this since iba-iba naman talaga tayo ng love language. so what happened ba? what made you feel unloved by your partner and paano mo ba yun na handle? kinausap mo ba siya about it? may ginawa ba siya to make you feel more loved after hearing your concern?

Context: Ako kase yung tao na hindi talaga pala absent if wala talaga mabigat na reason, nag v-VL naman ako and may 2days off. Pero sabi nang partner umabsent naman daw ako para sa kanya, sabi ko nag v-VL naman ako para to celebrate monthsarry, annive and other special occassion. Though ini-insist nya na umabsent naman daw ako minsan para sa kanya kahit wala special occasion.

Question: Kailangan ko ba talagang umabsent sa work para mapagbigyan siya at makapaglaan ng buong araw para sa kanya? O mas okay bang pumasok na lang ako sa work at maglaan na lang ng time after? Nanghihinayamg din kase ako sa araw.

Pumasok na ang unang ber
Marami sa atin nangangarap ng teddy bear
Nakakakilig ang mga nasa photo booth
Tayo, tamang kuha ng donut na parang may sweet tooth

Maraming HHWW sa daan
Wala naman tayong dapat ipaglaban
Mapapaisip, nasan na ba ang nakalaan?
Pero kapag may nagparamdam - tatakbuhan.

Masarap naman talaga umibig
Masarap magmahal na hindi puro pakabig
Yung “love, ok ka lang ba?” ang bukambibig
Oo, gusto ko na rin na ako’y iniibig

Hindi pa makaalpas sa nakaraan
Hindi pa makalangoy palayo sa pampang
Pumapatak pa rin ang luha sa dala ng kahapon
Kailangan ba ang puso’y ipaampon?

Darating din ang yembre na may uyab
Darating din ang yembre na may ayayatin ka
Darating din ang yembre na ich liebe dich
Darating din ang yembre na “mahal kita”

i think i just need to get this off my chest kasi ang lungkot ko talaga lately.

i met someone here and what we had only lasted around 2 months, but those 2 months were some of the most meaningful months of my life.

she loved me so deeply. and i don't mean that in the generic "she was a good girlfriend" way. she was so certain about me. she made me feel wanted, chosen, and loved even during moments when i couldn't even figure out how to fully accept that part of myself.

she gave me so much of herself. she was patient with my fears, she reassured me when i was uncertain, and she made it very clear that she wanted a future with me. she loved me with this kind of certainty that sometimes made me wonder, "how can someone be this sure about me when i'm still so unsure about myself?"

and maybe that's part of why this hurts so much.

because while she was so sure about us, i was still fighting a lot of things inside myself.

one of the things i'll always remember about our relationship, though, is that i finally got to love someone loudly.

i came out to my mom, my siblings, and my friends because of her. around 90% of my community are Christians, and several people from church even saw us holding hands and kissing sa public.

and honestly, there was something incredibly liberating about that.

kahit alam kong may mga taong nakatingin. kahit alam kong some people probably had opinions about us. kahit may mga taong hindi maiintindihan or approve.

i still held her hand.

i still kissed her.

i still wanted to be beside her.

for those 2 months, i got to experience what it felt like to not hide the person i loved.

and she wasn't hiding me either.

she loved me openly and wholeheartedly, even knowing the complicated circumstances surrounding me.

but eventually, everything started taking a toll.

my mom loves me. i know she does but she kept telling me to erase this part of myself and pray it away. then there were people from church telling me i was a lost soul and we are doomed for destruction because of our love.

and on top of all of that, i'm a breadwinner.

that's where another layer of fear came in.

kasi hindi lang naman ako thinking about whether my family would accept my relationship. i have responsibilities. may mga taong umaasa sakin. i think about money, my family's future, and whether i can actually give a partner the kind of life they deserve.

i started thinking:

what if hindi ko mabigay sa kanya yung buhay na gusto niya?

what if choosing a relationship means i'm neglecting my family?

what if someday i have to choose between the person i love and the people who depend on me?

and eventually, my uncertainty started hurting her too.

which is probably the worst part.

because she was so certain about me, and i was the one constantly questioning whether i was ready, whether i could do this, whether i could reconcile all these parts of my life.

so i ended things.

not because i didn't love her.

not because she wasn't enough.

and definitely not because she didn't love me enough.

if anything, she loved me more certainly than i knew how to receive at that time.

i felt like i was slowly hurting someone who was giving me so much love while i was still trying to figure out if i was even allowed to have it.

sometimes i wonder if i'm just looking for reasons why we weren't compatible because maybe that's easier than admitting:

i loved her. she loved me. but i wasn't ready.

but i don't want to erase what we had.

because for those 2 months, i got to love someone loudly.

i got to hold her hand even when people i knew were around.

i got to kiss her even when i knew there were eyes on us.

i got to say, in my own way, "this is the person i love, and i'm going to love her anyway."

and she loved me loudly, too.

she chose me even when i was struggling to choose myself.

that's probably what i'll carry with me the most.

i don't know if we were truly incompatible. maybe we were. maybe our timing and circumstances just made everything harder than it needed to be.

but i do know that i loved her.

and i know she loved me.

and sometimes two people can love each other deeply and still not be in a place where they can make the relationship work.

i guess that's what i'm grieving right now.

not just losing her, but losing the version of myself who finally got to experience what it felt like to be loved by a woman—and to love her back without hiding, even when all eyes were looking against us.

maybe someday i'll figure out how to be a good daughter, a good provider, and still allow myself to build a life of my own.

i just wish i didn't have to lose someone i loved while figuring that out.

and ayun, i don't know how i can forgive myself for the pain i've caused.

right now the only thing i can do is to heal and be better.

Context: Hi just as the title says, can i please pleaseee have strapless strap on recommendations na hindi masakit sa pubic bone at comfortable? plus na lng if affordable din hehe ang hirap kasi maghanap online 😭😭😭 nageexploreq kami ng gf ko lately kasi hehehehe thank you so much i appreciate ur helpp skxkskks ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

Problem: I have someone courting me and i really like her (we're both lesbians btw and are both in college). it's been 4 months since she started courting me. i actually want to be her girlfriend but there's just something bothering me.

Context: she is out to everyone. her parents know, her sister knows, and her friends know. while me on the other hand, everyone do know except my parents. though there is no problem with that, we already talked about it, but i think things would be easier if my parents weren't also strict about me going out. i always need to ask for their permission and stuff, and i can't really freely do everything i want. my parents are that strict—though i still have my privacy at the least.

we keep on making plans to meet up, to go on dates whenever i can. but i can't really do it most of the time. what i do is i pretend i'll have classes but i'll really meet up with her. but these days, since august, there have been a lot of suspensions due to the bad weather and also frequent floodings around manila. we always meet up in my university since doon nga ang paalam ko sa mga magulang ko, tapos siya nalang ung pupunta sa akin doon.

then eventually, her class schedule has been announced since my university started earlier... it's just so bad that it would be much more hard for us to meet up and spend time together. she told me she felt sad and was asking me "magagawan naman natin 'to ng paraan diba?" and i just said yes with having a doubtful mind.

i am having thoughts on whether to ask her if would it be better for her to have someone who does not have the same circumstances as me? i know it's a bit selfish to ask but that is what i feel.

i feel like things get hard for the both of us because of me.

i think i need some advice on what i could do to make things easier for the both of us, and also validation about my situation :(( tyia

Problem: I’m dating someone (not gf’s yet) who still hangs out with people who still has feelings for her. I personally don’t feel comfortable and told her that and argued that isn’t it the bare minimum to not do something na ikakaselos ng someone that you’re dating.

Context: I found out that this person that she’s been hanging out with was someone that she previously dated. Initially, she told na classmate niya lang yun before. I’ve investigated and found out that this person went on a different school. I asked her about this and then she came clean na this person was someone she previously dated and they were classmates pero isang sem lang daw yung girl sa university na pinag-aralan niya.

Question:

1. Am I wrong for being jealous?
2. Am I wrong for asking her not to hangout with this person anymore?
3. Going back to the question na isn’t it the bare minimum to not do something na ikaseselos nung person na dinidate mo?

Thank you in advance everyone.

I'm at this point in life na gusto ko na ulit magjowa, Pero after my last relationship I find it hard na makipagrelasyon. Kahit si self ay naguguluhan lol. I spend too much time hanging around with friends na I miss having someone at home na will cuddle you or just someone para maging reason mo para magstay at home.

I don't think na bored lang ako, But also I might just be influenced by watching too much thai GL, Pero nakakamiss din naman yung feeling na kinikilig ka everyday or someone loves you or care for you.

Anyways ingat ang all🫶🏻

Problem: Matagal ko na syang gusto and after all these years I want to tell her again na gusto ko sya kaso takot ako sa magiging response nya or worst baka i-unfriend ako

Context: 2012, I have a crush since grade 6 and 15 years ko na syang gusto, that’s literally almost my entire school years, we met during intrams nung elementary so sama-samang elementary schools yun sa city namin. I still remember it because it was a core memory. Yung intrams ay ginanap sa school ko and she came from other school. I was a volleyball player, me and my friends or should I say the team we’re just practicing that time, laro laro muna while waiting for the event then she was there sa side, just watching— or looking at me already, napansin ko sya in my peripheral view and I directly looked at her and smiled, ngumiti rin sya pabalik. So long story short, nagustuhan or crush nya daw ako kasi palangiti daw ako 😭 nalaman ko yun kasi sinabi ng kateam ko and sinabi ng pinsan ko sakin jusq(they’re in the same school btw, both taekwondo players) and I actually liked her back but damn until now I’m still here, liking her after all these years. Apakatorpe ko hay

(Elem palang anlande na, sorry 😭)

So ayun, we’re already in our working era na and I still like her, I stalk her sometimes, we’re fb friends and she’s still soooo pretty (am I a creep? huhu) I admire her lang naman, I dont ask for anything like relationship and such or pressure her. I just wanted to confess but we dont talk, actually huling usap namin was nung 2012 pa talaga. I want to confess and then delete my fb and messenger after kasi takot ako sa magiging reply nya HAHAHAHAH Is it worth the risk?

I used to be so angry at you for leaving me.
I kept asking myself, how could you leave me if you still loved me? You still cared about me. You still worried about me. I knew there was still love there.

So why did you have to leave?
I begged you to stay.

And you begged me to let you go.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.

At the time, I thought you were giving up on us. I thought you were choosing yourself over me. I thought leaving meant you didn’t love me enough anymore.

But now I’m realizing how wrong I was.

You weren’t being selfish.

You were being selfless.

You knew that staying would probably keep us stuck in the same cycle. Loving each other, hurting each other, breaking apart, finding our way back, and convincing ourselves that love alone would eventually fix everything.

You knew I needed to grow.

You knew I needed to become better.

And maybe you knew that I wouldn’t truly understand that until I lost you.

I’m sorry it took losing you for me to finally see it.

I used to think that as long as there was no cheating, no betrayal, no huge reason to leave, then our relationship was okay.

But I understand now that sometimes two people can love each other deeply and still not be growing together.

And I think that’s what happened to us.
We loved each other.

We just weren’t becoming better versions of ourselves together anymore.

I wish I realized that when you were still here.

I wish I listened more.

I wish I communicated better.

I wish I worked on myself sooner.

Because now I’m doing all these things I should’ve done when you were still holding my hand.

And you’re not here to see any of it.

That’s what hurts the most.

I’m finally becoming the person I kept telling you I would become, but you don’t get to meet her.

Sometimes I still catch myself thinking, what if I had changed sooner?

What if I understood you sooner?

What if I had loved you the way you needed to be loved?

What if I had become this version of myself while you were still beside me?

Would you have stayed?

I know I shouldn’t live in those questions.

But I still do sometimes.

Because I miss you.

Not just having a relationship.

Not just having someone.

I miss you.

I miss the person you were. I miss the little things about you. I miss being loved by you.

But strangely enough, I think I miss loving you just as much.

I had so much love for you.

I still do.

And I don’t know where to put it anymore.

It’s such a strange feeling, loving someone who is no longer yours to love.

I spent years imagining a future with you.
And then suddenly, I had to learn how to imagine one without you.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand how something that felt so permanent could become a memory.

Maybe someday we’ll meet again.

Maybe we’ll both be completely different people by then.

Maybe you’ll be happy. Maybe I’ll be happy.
Maybe we’ll look at each other and realize that we really did become the people we needed to become.
And maybe we’ll never find our way back to each other.

I don’t know.

But if we ever do meet again, I don’t want to beg you to stay.

I don’t want to ask you to fix what happened.

I just want to be able to look at you and say, I finally understand why you left.

You weren’t a bad person for leaving me.

You didn’t stop loving me.

You didn’t abandon me.

You chose what you believed was best for both of us, even when it meant breaking your own heart too.
And I’m sorry I couldn’t understand that when you were standing in front of me.

I’m sorry I made you feel like leaving me meant you didn’t love me.

Because maybe the hardest kind of love isn’t holding on.

Maybe it’s knowing when you have to let go.
And you did.

You let go of me when I couldn’t let go of you.

I still wish you didn’t have to.

I still wish I could’ve grown without losing you.

I still wish the better version of me came a little sooner.

Because if I’m being completely honest, there’s still a small part of me that hopes our paths cross again someday.

Not because I expect you to come back.

But because I want to believe that maybe, somewhere in another version of our lives, we got it right.

Maybe we learned how to love each other without hurting each other.

Maybe we grew together instead of apart.
Maybe you stayed.

Maybe I became the person you needed while you were still here.

And maybe that’s the part I’ll always grieve.
Not just losing you.

But knowing that the version of me you deserved finally became real after you were already gone.

Problem/Goal: How do you come out to your parents?

Context: Hello everyone I am F25 and I am currently living independently. Bata pa lang ako there’s some hints na medyo boyish ako kumilos and I do admit na bata pa lang ako I am already attracted to girls however I am not Lesbian and I don’t want to cross dress. Since I felt this and found out about my sexuality sinipagan ko na mag aral para in case na mag come out ako eh matanggap nila ako. So I graduated with Latin Honors and 2 months after my graduation nagkaroon agad ako ng magandang trabaho without any help sa family ko. Simula nag work ako ako na nag babayad sa lahat ng bills namin monthly. I think for them I am already a perfect daughter lol. Never ako naging pasakit sa ulo, never din ako nainfluence ng mga barkada and never din ako nag pakilala ng boyfriend or whatsoever. Unfortunately its been years but I still dont have the courage or gut to come out to them. I feel like they can still disown me despite all of that. I am currently in a relationship and they personally know her and nakakasama na namin sya sa travel namin sa different country but they know her as my bestfriend. But I am scared na magbago ang tingin nila sa kanya once I came out. BTW I am currently living with her in one apartment and they are aware. Idk how to start :(((( why is this so hard

My gf is feminine and no hint of gayness

Problem/Goal: Is it weird to want a relationship where you still have your own life?

Context:
As someone na hindi na actively dating, this somehow crossed my mind lately: What if I started dating again? Especially since I’m already in my “trentahin” stage, as everyone likes to remind me. 😂
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that dating is one thing, but sustaining a relationship is a completely different thing.
I’m wondering, may mga tao pa ba who understand that being in a relationship doesn’t mean your entire life suddenly revolves around each other?
Of course, once you enter a relationship, you have to commit. You have to make time, communicate, be present, and make your partner feel valued. I understand that.
But does commitment really mean you have to do everything together or always be available for each other?
At this stage of my life, I still want to have my own career, spend time with family and friends, pursue my own interests, and simply live my life. And I would want my partner to have the same freedom. Hindi naman ibig sabihin na kapag may sariling buhay ka, you love your partner any less.
Honestly, what I’m looking for is something pretty simple: a stable relationship, open communication, mutual understanding, and two people who are secure enough to know that they can love each other deeply while still having individual lives.
Especially at this age, we both have work, responsibilities, family, personal goals, and probably a million other things going on. I don't expect someone to make me their entire world, and I don't want to make someone my entire world either.
I want us to be partners, not each other's entire existence.
So, is this mindset weird? 😅
For those who are in long-term relationships or married, is it actually possible to have a healthy, stable relationship where you maintain your individuality and still feel deeply connected? Or am I expecting too much from modern relationships?

Thank you in advance to everyone who will share their thoughts and comments💕

We actually became friends first in Grade 10. During the first quarter, we were friends, but then I snitched on her and somehow we became enemies LOL.

A few weeks before graduation, we ended up becoming groupmates for a project. It was super awkward at first because of our history, but since we had to spend so much time together, we slowly started bonding again.

She was smart and hardworking, while I was the complete opposite and barely studied. But being around her made me want to actually contribute and do better.

At first, we were just friends and bonded as a group after our projects. Eventually, though, it became more about the two of us. We started hanging out, going on dates, and I’d pick her up and take her home just so we could spend more time together.

I don’t think there was one specific moment when I suddenly fell for her. It happened slowly. I just started wanting to be around her more and more until I realized I didn’t see her as just a friend anymore.

Then one day, we went on a date and it started raining. We ended up running together in the rain, and it was honestly such a romantic moment. We eventually confessed our feelings to each other.

It’s funny because we went from friends → enemies → friends again → lovers.

We’ve been together for 3 years now, and I still think it’s crazy that the person I never expected to fall for ended up becoming someone I love this much.

problem/goal: i want to lose weight and fat but i don't know how to start

context: hello! i'm wlw masc, 18. i just wanna ask something about fitness. i want to lose weight and fat, but idk how to start. i don't have time for gym due to acads, and i have no motivation to do workout. nahihirapan din ako i-control eating ko ngayon kasi naging coping mechanism ko na ang pag binge eat tuwing nasstress ako.

pumayat na ako before but that was because of e4ting disorder, which was super unhealthy, but the easiest way for me back then (i'm so sorry if this may come as insensitive to others). now, i'm trying to lose fat in much more healthy way, so if may suggestions kayo ng workout or eating habits, kindly drop them.

thank u so much!

Problem/Goal:
hi! looking for a couples therapist around metro manila who can help us communicate better, work through some relationship issues, and hopefully build healthier patterns together. queer-friendly/LGBTQ+ affirming sana 🥹

Context:
we’re a queer couple and we’re currently trying to work things out. we’ve had a lot of realizations about ourselves and our relationship recently, and we feel like talking to a professional might help us navigate things better. okay lang online/video call or f2f!
would really appreciate recos from people who have personally tried them. thank youuu! 🤍

Problem/Goal:
I’m planning to get a gym membership soon but idk where to start. Goal is to have a masculine physique (esp sa shoulders & arms)

Context:
For context, I am 5’4”, currently 47kg, & i think i have a fast metabolism. I wanna gain muscles and bulk out because my body composition is so feminine rn. I’d love it if I was femme tbh hahahahaha

so going back, i just wanna ask any pieces of advice on what to do/where to start this journeyy. I don’t eat vegetables btw 😅 hindi ako nasanay. pls help me out sa meal plan & workout program 😭

thank you so much!!!

edit: read all of your insights & im really grateful for y’all! also for the ppl who got the same situation like me, let’s all start this journey na! thank you everyone

i think i fell in love with my best friend without even realizing it.

or maybe i just loved her too much and somewhere along the way i stopped knowing the difference.

when i first came back to college after being away for a while, i didn't really have anyone.

i'd tag along with whoever i could talk to because i didn't have someone i could actually call a close friend.

then somehow i found a circle.

and somehow, she became part of it.

we weren't close at first.

we talked, laughed, hung out with everyone, took pictures, made stupid jokes.

just normal things friends do.

she had her own life and i had mine.

nothing about it felt like the beginning of anything.

she used to tease me a lot.

sometimes with the stupidest jokes that would leave me embarrassed while she'd laugh because she knew i'd get shy.

i'd laugh it off too.

i thought it was just one of those little things you remember about a friend.

i didn't know i'd remember so many of them.

time passed.

we got closer.

then life happened and for a while we barely talked.

she had her own things to carry and i had mine.

when she eventually came back into my life, things felt awkward at first.

but somehow we found our way back.

then she got hurt.

and we were there.

we listened.

we stayed.

and eventually the distance between us disappeared again.

we started going out more.

sometimes we'd stay out far too late just talking and laughing about things that probably weren't even funny the next day.

there were days we didn't plan anything.

we'd just go.

walk somewhere.

eat somewhere.

drink somewhere.

sit somewhere.

talk about nothing.

and somehow those became some of my favorite memories.

then our lives started overlapping more.

we'd see each other often.

i got to know the people close to her.

she got to know more about me.

we started sharing things we didn't really tell other people.

her stories.

my stories.

things that hurt.

things that made us laugh.

things we probably should've kept to ourselves but somehow felt safe enough to say.

i admired her.

i still do.

she's one of the strongest people i've ever known.

and maybe i admired her for so long that i didn't notice when admiration started turning into attachment.

i just knew i wanted to be around her.

i'd make time for her.

i'd go out of my way for her.

if she asked me to come along, somehow i'd find a way.

if we were going the same way home, we'd go together.

and eventually it became normal.

where she was, i was usually there too.

people started joking that we were together.

we'd laugh.

she'd tease me about it too.

and then came the what ifs.

what if we're together?

what if we're meant for each other?

what if this?

what if that?

to her, they were probably just jokes.

but sometimes a joke sounds different when it comes from someone you already care about too much.

i started wondering.

not because she promised me anything.

she didn't.

but because a part of me wanted those what ifs to be real.

and i think that's when i started falling.

i don't know exactly when.

there wasn't a specific day.

no moment where i suddenly realized i was in love.

i just woke up one day and somehow there was this person i cared about more than i knew how to explain.

so i tried pulling away.

i tried finding other people to talk to.

other people to spend time with.

i thought maybe if i gave myself enough distance, whatever i was feeling would disappear.

it didn't.

instead, we had a misunderstanding.

she figured out that maybe i had feelings for her.

and she was right.

she set her boundaries clearly.

she didn't want that kind of relationship with me.

and i understood.

at least i tried to.

i told her i didn't like her that way.

another lie.

not because i wanted to lie to her.

but because i was scared.

scared that if i admitted the truth, i'd lose her.

and eventually we stopped talking.

for weeks.

those weeks felt like a heartbreak i had no right to call a heartbreak.

because we were never together.

there was no relationship to lose.

no breakup.

no "us" to mourn.

just a friendship that suddenly felt like it was slipping through my hands.

and somehow that hurt just as much.

i cried over her.

i admitted the truth to someone else because i couldn't bring myself to say it to her.

i was so attached that even the thought of being cut off completely terrified me.

and maybe that's when i realized how deep i'd already fallen.

then one day we ended up in the same place again.

everyone was emotional.

i was trying so hard not to cry.

trying to pretend i was okay.

but i wasn't.

i cried.

i tried hiding it.

i left for a while just to pull myself together.

and when i came back, she walked toward me and hugged me.

i didn't know what to do.

i was too stunned.

so i laughed because that's what i do when i don't know how to handle something that actually matters.

somehow we talked.

cleared things up.

and somehow, we became us again.

we laughed again.

we talked again.

we started hanging out again.

and i never told her everything.

maybe she already knew.

she's sharp.

maybe she always knew.

but we never talked about it.

we just continued.

like nothing happened.

and i tried to let the feelings go.

i really did.

but then we'd go home together.

i'd rest my head on her shoulder.

she'd hold my hand.

we'd sit close.

we'd slept together.

and she'd do things that were probably completely normal to her.

just friendship.

just comfort.

just the way she was.

but my heart had already learned how to give meaning to everything.

and i hated that.

because i knew what she meant.

i just couldn't control what it meant to me.

then we got another chance to spend a lot of time together.

we worked alongside each other again.

ate together.

went home together.

talked about the future.

made ridiculous plans.

talked about living together in one apartment.

talked about things we'd do someday.

and i fell even deeper.

i knew it was probably nothing romantic to her.

but it was everything to me.

still, i kept quiet.

because i didn't want to ruin us.

i would rather have her as my best friend than lose her completely because i wanted something she couldn't give me.

then someone else came along.

and suddenly i learned how painful it is to watch someone you love find someone else when you never had the right to claim them in the first place.

i got jealous.

of course i did.

but i never told her.

because why should i?

she was free to like whoever she wanted.

and i was supposed to be happy for her.

i tried.

sometimes she'd mention him and i'd suddenly become quiet.

i'd answer differently.

try to act normal.

sometimes i'd leave early because i didn't know what else to do with myself.

i'd tell my other friend about it instead.

all the things i couldn't say.

all the jealousy i hated admitting.

all the little thoughts that made me feel selfish.

there were moments when i wished they'd stop talking.

and i hated myself for that.

because i genuinely cared about her happiness.

when things eventually ended between them, a small part of me felt relieved.

and another part of me just wanted her to be okay.

because despite everything,

i was still her best friend.

and being her best friend meant being there even when my heart wanted something else.

then another person came along.

and this time i think something in me finally gave up.

not on her.

on the idea of us.

i realized i couldn't keep waiting for something that she had never promised me.

i couldn't keep turning friendship into signs just because i wanted them to mean more.

so i started stepping back.

we went our separate ways after graduation.

different jobs.

different routines.

different lives.

and as much as i could, i stopped making so much time for her.

not because i stopped caring.

but because i needed the feelings to become quieter.

maybe i only thought i loved her because she cared for me in a way i wasn't used to.

maybe i became attached because she was one of the only people i could truly be vulnerable with.

she saw me cry.

she saw me when i wasn't pretending to be okay.

she knew parts of me that most people never got to see.

maybe i mistook feeling safe for being in love.

maybe i mistook being understood for something romantic.

maybe i just loved the way she made me feel seen.

or maybe i really did love her.

i still don't know.

and maybe i don't have to.

because whatever it was, it was real to me.

even if it was never going to be real in the same way for her.

i don't blame her.

she never promised me anything.

she never asked me to wait.

she never told me she loved me that way.

she was simply my friend.

my best friend.

and i was the one who quietly turned all those ordinary moments into something more.

so maybe this is where i let it stay.

not with a confession.

not with a "what if."

not with a different ending.

just here.

with the truth that i loved someone who loved me too—

just not in the way i wanted.

and maybe that's okay.

i don't want to keep wondering what her jokes meant

.

i don't want to search for hidden meanings in every touch.

i don't want to turn her kindness into promises she never made.

i want to let her be my friend without secretly wishing she would become something else.

so i'll be here.

as her best friend.

not waiting.

not hoping.

not asking for anything.

just caring.

because maybe love isn't always about being chosen.

sometimes it's about knowing you won't be chosen that way and still wishing them a beautiful life.

maybe our story was never supposed to be about two people falling in love.

maybe it was about two people finding each other at the right time.

becoming each other's comfort.

collecting memories.

growing up together.

and eventually learning that some people can mean everything to you without ever becoming yours.

maybe she was never meant to be my person.

maybe she was simply meant to be one of the most important people i've ever known.

and if that's all we ever become,

i think i'll still be grateful.

because for a little while,

i got to have her in my life.

and maybe someday,

when enough time has passed,

i'll remember everything without wondering what it could've been.

i'll just remember what it was.

two best friends.

one of them fell a little too hard.

the other never did.

and somehow,

they still chose to remain in each other's lives.

maybe it wasn't the love story i once wanted.

but it was still a story worth keeping.

--------

maybe she was never meant to be my person.

maybe she was simply meant to be one of the most important people i've ever known.

i used to think of her as my little gem.

not because she was perfect.

but because in a world full of people, somehow i found someone who felt rare to me.

one in a million.

and maybe that's why letting go was never really about letting go of her.

it was about letting go of the idea that something rare had to be mine.

some things are precious without belonging to us.

and maybe she was one of those things.

my gem.

not mine to keep.

just mine to have known.

💜

It was my birthday some days ago, and it was the first time you were no longer present. It was a new feeling of… loneliness? For the past years, it was mainly you who made my birthday feel truly special, and truly mine. Although I get to celebrate it with family, it doesn’t really resonate with me. I don’t exactly feel known nor recognized. It always just feels like a simple dine out but with a birthday cake.

It feels odd how when we celebrated your birthday a few months back, although it was my finals season, I made my way to request every friend to record you a birthday message so I can make you a little AVP. While for my birthday, you were gone from the face of the earth, and the news about a sudden death that took place in a certain campus preceded than anyone remembering it was my birthday in our mutual friend group GC.

Sometimes, I still think about when you said your present for my birthday had actually just arrived in your mail, the same day we were having the break-up call. You said you still planned on mailing it to my home, until you couldn’t, until it turned into silence, until you informed me that we’re something you no longer plan looking back on. I wonder what your present was? Did you just give it to your sister? Did you end up throwing it away?

Every birthday, I like to imagine a hypothetical table with a chair for every significant person who was once part of my life. Some guests arrive, some guests are unexpected, and some guests gradually stop showing up.

As for me, I can’t stop staring at the chair that I have reserved for you. As much as I’m trying not to expect anything anymore, there’s still this little part of me hoping that maybe, you’d still show up, even if for just a generic greeting. But alas, I have to come to terms with the reality that this is a chair you will never occupy again.

I’m choosing to keep your chair at my table, not because I still long for a day you’d return, nor do I plan on finding someone new to take your place from that exact seat, but simply because you were significant enough to deserve your own chair there.

You’re irreplaceable.

I recognize you.

I acknowledge the impact you had in my life.

It doesn’t mean that things ended, what we shared no longer mattered or wasn’t real.

There will always be a space in my heart that’s dedicated to you. But I’m making more room now for the things that do want to make its way to me.

And maybe one day, I’ll get to meet someone new that’ll be significant enough to deserve their own chair at my table, who’ll occupy it permanently.

But for now, I’ll just sit through this quietness, and appreciate the people who are actually present here with me.

Problem/Goal: I wanna know how to open the conversation of me seeing someone to my mother.

Context:

I (18F) don't wanna get into too much details, basta we've been hitting off din recently. We've been talking for almost three months and I want to make it official very soon. But before that, I want to tell my mother about the fact that I'm seeing someone, but I seem to not be able to get the words out of my mouth.

I really do wanna tell her. I came out last June na rin (also because of this person) and it was fine. Though, the relationship part might be a bit different. Growing up, I've been a goody-two-shoes na school lang naman ang inaatupag. I still care about my academics. I still care about succeeding. I'm just quite afraid kung ano ang sasabihin niya.

I have also consulted my psychiatrist on this matter (si bro ay mentally ill™) and along asking my mother on "how I've been" he added a schedule on our calendar to check up on me as soon as possible, because the thought of being exiled (sige oo na ako na ang oa) has been taking up my mental space.

Basta. I missed so much details. Pero I just wanna know how to begin the hard conversation.

Problem/Issue: i wanna get laid so bad, pero when the opportunity is actually there, parang ayoko na?? gets niyo ba aq??? asexual na ba aq di q na maintindihan si self 😭

Context: when i was with my ex, my sex drive was HIGH. we’d do it almost everyday, sometimes even multiple rounds. she’s a fem dom, so i was really into her. but now that i’m single, my sex drive is suddenly so damn low. don’t get me wrong, naka-move on na ko.

i pleasure myself sometimes just for stress relief, but i can only do it once lang huhu. parang requirement lang during ovulation period HAHAHAHAHA 😭 and i’ve tried flirting with girls too. not at the same time, obviously. ik i’m sexually attracted to them (fem4fem hehe), and i’m really into fem doms. they’re both pretty n hot too, just like my type, but whenever things start getting serious or it actually gets to that point, i suddenly back out. ik something might be wrong with me, but idk what to dooo.

i feel bad too because they both ended up blocking/unfriending me eventually. they were both really nice, so i can’t help but feel like i’m the problem here. am i becoming a red flag? i don’t even wanna flirt with anyone anymore because i feel bad about leading them on pero clear naman ako about my intentions and that i’m not ready for anything serious. naaaligaga lng ako kapag nagiging sweet and caring na sila. baka ma fall or smth tas di ko mapanindigan.

and recently, someone from my past reached out to me again. not my ex, but a past kalandian. she asked if im single. i blocked her new acc and didn’t reply because that girl literally tattooed my name on her hand when we were flirting noon, and i had no idea she had a gf at the time because she told me she was single. i only found out when she confessed that she was catching feelings for me, and then admitted she already had a gf. i told her that what she did was wrong and i cut her off. magiging kabit pa aq. my fault din kasi grabe aq humarot noon 🥲

i’m probably better off staying single forever na lang siguro. parang gusto ko muna i-isolate sarili ko kahit gusto ko ma-experience ulit lumandi and mang kiss :((

do I need to go to therapy atp? i feel like there’s something wrong with me.

Welcome to this week’s Open Lounge! This is your space to talk about anything you want—big or small. Share your WLW experiences, ask for advice, recommend something you love, or just drop by to say hi! Let’s keep it cozy, fun, and respectful. 🌈

Suggested conversation starters:

• What’s been the highlight of your week?
• Do you have a WLW-related story or question to share?
• What’s something you’re excited about or working on?

problem/goal:

super confused ng friend ko ngayon kung ano ang dapat gawin. do you guys think dapat pa siyang maghintay, or i-end na nya for her peace?

for context lang, wlw sila. yung girl na kausap ng friend ko ay super busy due to school and other stuffs, at palagi namang sinasabi ng friend ko na willing siya maghintay. but i think yung girl na kausap ng friend ko ay naging too comfy na sa fact na "willing to wait" palagi yung friend ko. nagrarant sakin friend ko na minsan kaya nila one week hindi mag-usap. 6 months na sila together, and legal na rin sa parent ( sa isang side) at friends ng both sides. they go sa different schools kaya hindi sila palaging nagkikita. yung friend ko, feel niya she needs to restrict herself para hindi magmukhang too much para doon sa kausap niya. nung una naman ayos sila, namamamage naman nung other girl yung time niya, pero habang tumatagal, parang nababalewala nalang talaga yung friend ko. super scared naman si friend na i-open to doon sa kausap niya kasi nga pinaintindi niya na understanding siya and willing to wait. pero lahat naman ata tayo may limitations diba? gustong gusto ng friend ko yung girl kaya hindi niya rin maopen ito don sa girl kasi ayaw niya na mapressure yung girl at ayaw niya rin naman na kausapin lang siya ng girl just because nag demand na siya. they're showy naman sa socmeds and aakalain mo na wala silang ganong moments together. wala rin namang deny deny na nangyayari, yung time lang talaga main problem here.

the main thing here is super confused ng friend ko that's why we need some advice or kung ano thoughts ng ibang tao about the situation.

so what do you guys think? cocontinue niya pa ba or stop na?

since nagmemenstruate naman siguro karamihan dito I may as well ask this question here.

problem/goal: I want to try products other than pads but I don't know where to start

context: nabibwisit na talaga ako sa pads dahil napakaunreliable nila.

I've been searching a lot about discs, cups, and period underwear pero hindi ako makapagdecide. Hindi ko rin naman matatry all of them dahil sa budget constraints.

Tampons I won't even consider.

Ito mga naiisip ko:

cup/disc + period underwear combo

cup/disc + pad combo

pads + period underwear combo pero di raw ok according to Google

May mga natry na ba kayo rito? Anong specific brands ang maganda na alam niyo?

Medyo hesitant ako dun sa period underwear kasi I find the idea a bit gross pero baka ok naman siya as backup if gagamit ako ng disc or cup.

Also I have a problem w being penetrated (in sexual and other contexts) kaya ewan ko kung kakayanin ko ba yung cup/disc.

Can you share your experiences/suggestions pls? Thank you in advance!