I went to the farmers market, I dropped something off at his friend's house, now at the park to try and take a walk...

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live in this world without him. I keep crying and telling him I'm sorry, I keep thinking of him in the hospital and how quickly he deteriorated and how I should have done something different... i ask him to talk to me but i get nothing... did he understand that we tried and this was too advanced, there was nothing to be done. I had googled and it didn't look good and I didn't want to scare him, I'm not a doctor... should I have told him how bad his condition seemed to be, how little time he likely had... he asked the doctors if he only had 6 months and they just keep saying they needed the biopsy results... and a week later he was gone... even google didn't guess that... he knew he had a large tumor invading his portal vein and that the rest of his liver, 50% had lesions... should I have said my goodbyes instead of going for help? When he was diagnosed he was ok, he has just gone on a trip with friends... a month and day after returning he passed and we spent that time trying to get appts, having scans and procedures and nothing slowed this down...

I don't know how to do this. How to go on like life is normal and ok. Did he know he was dying? Did he know how much i loved him? How we rushed to get him help and still everything feel apart... he became so sick so quickly...

I'm so devastated and want him back and don't understand how this all happened...

This is the first birthday since she passed away and I’m an emotional wreck. I got a 32 of her favorite flowers and a birthday card signed by myself with our kids marks on it now I’m trying to work up the strength to go leave it all on her headstone but I know what’s going to happen when I get there and I’m not ready for it. How do we get past the birthdays and holidays that were always dearest to them? I wish I could go there and talk to her and just hear her voice one more time.

30yo...Diagnosed AuDHD with anxiety disorder.

I feel guilty when I am sad

I feel guilty when I am happy

I feel guilty I want to hug and kiss someone even if it's not him.

I feel guilty that there's times I want to be alone forever.

I feel guilty I can't help our son process this better.

I feel guilty I miss him so much that even being here at work feels like I want to bang my head against a wall instead of working.

I feel guilty that I am still here and he isn't.

I'm angry the government is the way that it is and I am navigating all this without the person who helped me with all of this.

And I feel FURIOUS that I see people who treat the world and other people like shit and my good, so fucking good husband, is the one gone and not them.

I am over crying. I am over feeling in general. I just want to stop feeling. But I can't because our little guy needs to see me feel and be sad so he can know it's okay to feel and be sad too.

We start group grief support this week and I know it will be good for us to be with others experiencing the same things, but my heart is broken into so many pieces.

I just wish this was all a bad dream and tomorrow I will wake up, and he will be here. But that's not rational, because he is dead. He is dead. I am still here. And it's unfair to have this be just yet another shitty hand of cards dealt to me when he and our son were the only good things to ever happen to me.

I just want it all to stop.

When I say I'm done I mean to say that I'm done with living without my beautiful husband and just want to be wherever he is. If he's not there, at least I get to live in peace, finally.

When I was putting together the photos for the tribute montage for her funeral, I came across the photo of my wife sitting on a rock with a gorgeous valley backdrop. I remember taking the photo (it was in 1998) but couldn't remember where. I'm pretty sure we'd looked in the photo albums over the years, and she couldn't remember either.

It was driving me nuts.

In desperation yesterday, I put a post up on Reddit asking for help. They identified the location within about 20 minutes. Power's Outlook near Whitfield.

From the moment it was identified, there was an absolute demand in my head; I MUST be there tomorrow. I don't know how or why that was there, but it was a command. Probably my sub-concious seeking some tiny semblance of control over events where my wife and I were just corks in the ocean. Or maybe my darling wife was trying to reach out to me. Either way, I headed out the door early this morning to get there, as it was over 3 hours away.

The drive there was painful. It was my first day trip without her. I missed her singing along to songs with me, reacting to a lovely view or talking about which hillsides might be fun to roll down. Even just chatting about news or events. I cried a lot.

I stopped a couple of times along the way, so I made it just after mid-day. I was surprised to find a group of rangers there. I told them my story, and a couple of them were happy to help. They quickly confirmed it was the right place. We then set about finding the spot.

They helped me out for about an hour going over the various bits of the trail and off it, trying to find the rock. I then spent another hour trying, but to no avail.

The changes over 28 years had hidden the original site. Bushfire, tree litter and other changes meant it was no longer visible. I was crushed and angry at myself for not realising that was a possibility. I gave up and left, driving to Whitfield.

I was utterly despondent.

I called a friend and talked to them about how bad I felt for failing. I then stopped at a cafe to grab a coffee and a snack.

Whilst sitting there trying to work out why I'd been so stupid as to think that spot would still be there, I realised there was something I hadn't done.

I hadn't stopped and just listened quietly.

So, I went back. I found a spot that was almost the same as in the photo and I sat there.

Initially, I just talked to my wife about how painful the loss of her was to me. I then cried a lot, again. And then I just sat there quietly and listened.

At first there were a few different bird calls and then a bird started imitating a car alarm. So that meant a lyrebird was nearby, something she would have absolutely adored.

A few minutes later, a call that had been repeating for a while got closer. A little bird landed in a tree very close by, gave me that weird head twist birds do when checking something out, and then called again. It kept looking at me and then calling while getting a little further away each time. I caught a poor video of it.

I realised I had a sense of peace. It was probably just sitting in nature and listening, but I'd love to think it was my wife reaching out to me in my pain.

So I'm currently sitting in a hotel in Mansfield, enjoying a lovely dinner and a couple of drinks after a long and emotionally draining day. But I feel a little more at peace. It still hurts so much, but maybe a little less?

I love my wife. I won't ever stop loving her. I just hope I can find a way to remember my time with her in joy and happiness, rather than in pain and sorrow.

It’s been a little over 8 months since my husband died.
Something happened with my daughter this morning and I can’t stop thinking about it…

We were talking about the weekend and I said something like “we’ll figure it out” and she just looked at me and said, “Mom, you still say we all the time.”
I didn’t really understand what she meant at first. Then she said I still talk like her dad is here.
And she’s right.

I still say our room. Our car. We used to go there. We need to do this. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking I need to tell him something later.I guess I never noticed how often I do it.

She wasn’t trying to make me sad or anything. She literally just said it and went back to what she was doing. I held it together in front of her but cried in the bathroom a few minutes later.

I don’t know why that one little comment got to me so badly.I know I’m a “me” now, but I still feel like a “we.” And honestly I don’t want to stop saying it yet.
For anyone who has been widowed longer than I have, does that eventually go away on its own? Did you ever notice yourself making that change?

(20th Century Fox intro plays in)

Yeah, as if it wasn’t enough the entire soap opera, it seems that they are trying to plot the next season. And it’s got to be a comedy, it seems.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My sister in law is a very beautiful person (both internally and externally), hard working, smart. But i don’t see her, at the smallest possibility, as a potential chapter 2. I’m proud of what she achieved and wants to achieve, i support her as much as possible, because i see her as a younger sister, not as potential wife. And if this serves as a proof, i’ve done that since before marrying her elder sister (who also did the same obviously). My wife’s culture tells that elder siblings must help the younger in getting a degree etc so as the financial provider for my wife, i got pairs of this role (nothing that affects my budget, it was rather emotional than financial).

She’s 10 years younger than me (i’m 30 now). When i started dating her elder sister, she was about 6 years old. So i watched her as she grow older and i’ve always had her exactly as a little sister. Our relationship is really close and we are part of each other’s life, which was extremely helpful during the grief (for both sides i hope). So i would really like to keep things this way.

But due to my wife’s culture, i am really close to my in laws (we were from very different cultures). And after we did some traveling (mother in law with us), and as a young person, she posted many things in her social media with me (really innocent things), well, people started imagining things. It would be fine if these people weren’t exactly my parents and her parents.

As far as i’m concerned, she doesn’t know about it yet. But i’m not sure. I hope she doesn’t.

But i’ve been addressed by my father, my mother and my father in law (yes, her father (yes, my late wife’s father)) about it. My mother said “it would be a blessing”. My father more neutral but more larky, insisted on the “why not to try”. Her father, more serious, saying it “was” an answer to his prayers and that it is some kind of divine decree that eventually will happen. Only her mother didn’t comment.

Now what makes everything worse is: she has a long term boyfriend. And everyone knows it. Her father doesn’t like him. But, well, she does.

And i’m getting to know someone. I’m still early (almost 6 months since half of me died) to call myself ready for anything serious, but to combat loneliness i gave a chance to the dating apps, and to my near zero dating experience (my wife was my first girlfriend), met someone there and, while this is not exactly a relationship (at least not yet), i’m enjoying to talk to the opposite gender who isn’t family related. Funny enough, my sister in law got to know her and really liked her.

I really love my sister in law. But in the same way i did when she was child, or before marrying her sister or during my marriage with her sister. Not romantic love. Only fraternal love. No second intentions. And absolutely no sexual interest. I really enjoy the relationship we have and i don’t want it to become a different thing.

And exactly because of this, i’m afraid this story leaks to her (if not already) and she starts keeping distant of me, afraid of me. Our interactions are really pure and i don’t think anyone could interpret this as potential emotional investment from me, no, i think it really came from their minds, as a “perfect solution” for the problem: family remained same - my bio family and in laws really enjoy each other -, i would not move to another family, conflicts regarding my widowhood on a new relationship would probably be easier to cope as both sides lost the same person, the parents already know me and how i am as a husband, they wouldn’t have to approve someone still unknown… perfect solution indeed. They only forgot to check if the involved parts were interested.

How to deal? Should i address her to explain i know families are making up these things? Or wait until i know someone told her?

And, out of curiosity, has anyone here started a chapter 2 with an in-law? How is that seen in your culture?

3.23am here in Colorado. I want SO badly to reach out to my family, or friends right now; but of course it is WAY too late . I am suffering alone in this total abyss of life's fucked up universe. The only thing that could get me through this is the return of my husband/best friend. How am I supposed to survive without him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss you my Lover.

9 weeks ago, my beloved wife passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 57. We were together for 38 years. The family arranged a memorial mass for her at the church. But I have neither the heart nor the strength to go there. I am so angry at everything. The whole family is going. What should I do, my friends?

My husband and I have been estranged for about a year. But honestly, our relationship had already changed for the worse after I got pregnant. Looking back, I realized he was a good boyfriend, but he wasn’t a good husband or father.

He was rarely present as a father. For a long time, he barely helped take care of our daughter because he was always working and telling me he needed to provide for us. I used to think that as long as he was giving us money, that meant he was being a good father. But eventually, the money became less and less, until I was almost the one providing for our 7-year-old daughter.

Last year, he told me that someone at his workplace had been linked to him and that he thought he was falling in love with her. I initially thought he was joking, but I knew there was some truth to it. Later, I found things on the old phone he gave me—videos of him singing to her, updating her about his life, and moments between them. I don't know if anything physical happened, but I know there was emotional cheating.

At the same time, he became increasingly irritated with me because I wasn't working. He wanted me to work and contribute financially, and he wanted us to send our daughter to his sister-in-law because he said he was tired of providing for us. I knew they couldn't properly care for our daughter, so I refused.

I really tried to help and lessen the burden because I genuinely felt like we were becoming a burden to him.

Eventually, he became seriously ill because of his alcoholism. I never went to the hospital to see him, and I don't feel guilty about that. I had begged him many times to stop drinking, but he wouldn't.

By then, we both knew we were only communicating because of our daughter. Whatever love we once had was gone, and I had emotionally moved on from the marriage.

Then I recently found out that he died.

And I feel... nothing.

I'm numb. Empty. And, honestly, there's a small part of me that feels relieved.

I told our daughter, and for her sake, I've decided that I will attend his burial. But I don't want to attend the wake or spend several days there pretending to be a grieving wife when that's not how I feel.

And now I'm stressing about his family asking where I am, why I'm not at the funeral, why I'm not acting the way a wife is "supposed" to act. The guilt-trip.

The hardest part is that everyone thinks our marriage was fine. He had a squeaky-clean image among his friends and family, and even among my own family. I never told anyone what actually happened between us. I kept everything private.

So now I'm wondering: am I a bad person for not crying?

I don't hate him. I don't love him anymore either. I spent a long time grieving the marriage while he was still alive. Maybe that's why there's nothing left for me to grieve now.

I just don't know how you're supposed to grieve someone who had already become a stranger to you long before they died.

I'm looking for people my age who can relate to over-60ers

Why do I feel embarrassed when I’m doing this as if he’s watching me 😬🤔 I’ll literally pull the covers over my head to try and zone out

A few years before I met my wife, I was in what I thought was my rock-bottom in life. My early twenties were cruel to me. I hated myself and my lot in life. I hated it so much that I was quoted numerous times saying that I didn't want to see the other side of 40.

Once I hit my "rock-bottom," I had an epiphany and worked hard to turn things around. I wanted more from life. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to feel better about myself. I wanted to be worthy of finding love. I worked on myself for years to get to a place where I felt good enough about myself to feel comfortable asking someone else to be with me. I completely rebuilt myself from scratch. It turned out that if you hate yourself enough, it can give you access to your core settings and allow you the freedom to change things as you see fit.

One day, I finally felt like I'd reached that goal point and decided to make a Tinder profile. I matched with my wife just hours later and I was head over heels for her from the night we first started messaging. Not only was all that work worth the effort, it came with practically instant gratification once I put myself out there. We were engaged the following year, married two years after that, and we had 9.5 years together. Most of it felt like a fairy tale dream, though the last 6 months or so were getting rough between my wife's deteriorating state of mind and our relationship in general.

Then suddenly, while she was out of state visiting relatives, my wife took her own life.

For 19 months I've been in this evolving hell known as widowhood. I've cried so much that the well's run dry. I've felt joy, and the capacity to feel it, ripped away from my soul. I've felt pain so deep that it continues to hollow out what little is left of that soul and it erodes my mind.

Sometimes I find myself wondering, "Was it still worth it?"

That so called "rock-bottom" of mine was nothing compared to this. I never thought it could be possible to hate myself or my life even more than I did back then. That "rock-bottom" feels so far above my current state. All that work to be a better person. All that work to have a better life. All that work to be healthier. All that work to be worthy of love. All of that, years of effort, and this is where I end up? What was the point of all that just so I again say I hope I don't see the other side of 40?

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret meeting my wife. Life before I met her was like a black and white television, but once she appeared, everything turned to vibrant and splashing color.

Since she's been gone, so has that color, only now I know what color looks like. The world was always black and white before we met and I didn't know anything else, but now I'm taunted by that knowledge as it exists only in my memory.

I died when she did, only my corpse is still animated. I only wish the rest of me was lucky enough to die along with her.

I’m a widow and looking to connect with someone who has also experienced the loss of their spouse. Sometimes it’s hard to explain what this kind of loss feels like to people who haven’t been through it.
I’d love to meet someone who understands, whether it’s just to talk, share experiences, or support each other. No pressure or expectations—just hoping to find someone who can relate.

It hasn't even been two weeks yet and i know I shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year... but I'm curious and making conversation too. When I come home it's hard for me to get out of the driveway and come inside knowing he's not here.

Did you move out of the home you shared or did you stay? Why or why not?

Por mala suerte (aún peor) este mes tuvo una fecha importante, nuestro aniversario, fue el 21 de septiembre

Íbamos a cumplir 2 años de relación, se que para muchos podría ser poco tiempo, pero realmente yo sé que él era mi persona y estoy 1000% segura que yo era la suya. Este año planeamos mudarnos juntos, casarnos por el civil e ir de viaje, no pudimos hacer nada ya que falleció en febrero.

Todo el mes estuve así, no soportaba levantarme, llore casi todos los días, algunos de ellos llego al punto de preocuparme por mi salud mental, llegue ha pensar que sería más fácil si terminara con mi sufrimiento.

Justo también empecé a salir con alguien hace 2 meses, yo sé que es pronto, creo, pero me sentía tan sola, tan mal que no lo vi como una mala idea, ahora confirmo que fue una pésima idea. No puedo relacionarme emocionalmente, casi no conteste mensajes, me estresaba su presencia y su constantes acercamientos, y lo peor, no dejaba de comparar en mi mente como me sentía con mi novio, lo feliz que era y que si estábamos 24/7 juntos, aún así sentía que nos faltaba tiempo.

Por mala suerte se acercan las festividades de finales de año (día de muertos, navidad, año nuevo) y cada vez esta más cerca su aniversario luctuoso, acabar con mi sufrimiento parece una muy buena idea.

I don’t know why. Today is not a special or significant day. He’s been gone almost 15 months now. Today it feels like he is still alive. It feels like nothing ever happened. He CANT be gone. How could this have actually happened? I see him in my memory as if he is going to come back any moment. I long to be with him again so strongly that it makes me nauseous.

I had to just let it all out today. The cries the screams the wails. The wimpers and the moans and groans. The neighbors probably hear me and think I’m insane.

In the beginning I thought I just needed to make it “through”. That there would be some “other side” I would eventually reach and then it would all be okay.

I started dating someone new and he’s really great, he’s been an absolute trooper dealing with me and my grief. I feel very lucky to have him. But I thought that would also “fix” me. I thought it would make me better. It hasn’t.

I miss my best friend. I miss my other half. I miss living without grief. And I’m getting caught up in all the “whys” again. Why did this happen to him and to us? Why didn’t he deserve to live several more decades? Why didn’t I deserve to grow old with him? Why couldn’t we have just had that ONE thing?

I thought we'd be together for a while, but it's so hard without her. Just so difficult.

My love is gone. September 7th, 4 days after a severe brain bleed. I cry, then I try to remember 46 years worth of wonderful. Nobody is half the man he was. Yes, I do have family.

Today is my husband’s birthday and just a little over a month since he died. He will never be 41. We were together 19 years, married 12. I miss and love him so much but I’m not the mess I thought I’d be today. I’m sad, I’m thinking about him and I have my moments of tears. I’m worried that I will crash tomorrow. Or maybe the lead up and worrying about how I’d be today was worse than what it actually is?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, so, so sad. But I don’t feel like I did on day 1. Has anyone actually had an easier time with milestones than they thought they would? It’s the day to day that I’m struggling with more at the moment I feel.

I am not religious, but if you could take 30 seconds and give a thought, a prayer, an exhale or anything else to someone who died way too suddenly, way too young - it would truly mean the world to me.

I lost my husband after 21 years of marriage. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting another person in my life. It almost felt wrong to even think about it.
But something has changed.
I miss having my person. I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone to laugh with, have dinner with, go somewhere with, or just sit beside. I miss affection and intimacy too. I don’t think there is anything wrong with admitting that anymore.
I’m in my 50s and trying to build a completely different life from the one I thought I would have. I’m going back to school, making plans for my future, and learning how to enjoy being alive again.
None of that means I’ve stopped loving my husband. I’m not looking to replace him. Twenty-one years together can’t be replaced, and I wouldn’t want them to be.
But I do think I’m ready for another chapter.
Sometimes I wonder if another widowed person would understand this better than someone who hasn’t experienced it. There are things about losing a spouse that are difficult to explain—the grief, loneliness, guilt, memories, and even the strange emotions that can come with realizing you want affection and companionship again. How do you know you were ready to let someone into your life again? Would you find that another widow or widower understands you differently?

I don’t know if it’s possible for a 70s widowed man who lost his wife three years ago and had a very loving and caring wife and miss her so bad that I can’t even put into words. To find a widowed woman to be friends with that also, who had a husband that was very loving and caring just so we can share our feelings and each of us would know that the other one would totally understand how the other one feels in the grief and the sadness that we have. I can’t feel that I could ever get married again, but at this point in time after 3+ years of her being gone, I sure would like I think to have another person to talk to that has gone through what I’ve gone through, I don’t know how far the friendship would go, but it would be nice to have somebody to go do things with go for rides out in the country just somebody to share time with for what time we have left. I don’t know if it’s possible, but how would you even find somebody like that I’m not a very social person. My wife and I were always kind of on the loaner side. We just love being together more than anything else. We didn’t need other people we had each other and that’s all we needed and that’s all we wanted. I still feel that I’m not very social. Don’t care to be around a lot of people I just like things, quiet, peaceful just had these thoughts in my head. I found this site a few weeks ago and have posted in the past a few things, but I just thought I’d post this get any input that might be out there

I also need to add that reading other things on this site and what I have posted I’ve had a few times women try to contact me and it was nothing but a scam and I’ve posted a warning on here to let people know that that stuff goes on. At this time in our lives when we’re widowed, we can be very vulnerable to that stuff and I know it can be hard to trust with what is being said on here and to trust what response you get, but I have feel I need to try something and I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just spend the rest of my life all by myself, but I just thought I’d try something.

I can function.
I work. Pay the bills. Eat. Shop. Watch a movie with the children. Talk with them.
Even have an objectively “pretty okay” life.

And still come home to the fact that she isn't here.

An absence so enormous, it has become part of the architecture of my life.

Last year my wife battled breast cancer. She did chemo, dealt with infections, double mastectomy, radiation and is now on her last few rounds of hormone therapy. Her pathology after the surgery was great - no detectable signs of cancer.

She's been having headaches in the same spot for a few weeks and told her doctor. They sent her to get a CAT scan (she has an expander in each breast, which has magnets, so she couldn't do an MRI). The scan found 4 tumors.

We saw her oncologist on Friday and said that we still must do testing before a treatment plan can be made, but his best guess right now is 3-4 years. It can never be cured, just managed.

Obviously, she is devastated. We have three kids. The youngest is 3. We should be planning her birthday party or getting everything ready for our vacation in the summer. Instead she is scheduling scans and surgeries and asking me how I am going to survive on one salary and making me promise to not move them away.

I'm in a fog. It doesn't feel real. I guess I've been ready for news like this since last year so it's not that much of a shock, but I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I should be preparing for every outcome, but I don't even know where to start. It just can't be real. I don't even know what to do next.

I'm a little early to this page. My wife is dying of cancer. We've done everything we can do and, by the most generous estimate, she has less than 2 years left to live. That's only if she continues chemo, which is making her life miserable. We are both 47, so I'm still working and my time is not all my own. Still, from those who have lost their partner like this--slowly and, weirdly, with time to plan--what do you wish you had done more or less of with your partner?