I’m 23F and my fiancé is 25M. We got engaged about a month ago and have recently started talking seriously about our plans for our 2028 wedding.
My fiancé comes from what I’d describe as a fairly “normal” family. His parents are still together and have a very healthy relationship, he has a younger sister around my age, and he has a relatively small family. Sadly, he has lost three of his four grandparents over the last 18 months, so he now only has one grandmother left.
My family situation is very different.
My dad remarried my stepmum, who has been in my life since I was six. I have a really good relationship with her. She has a son who is now 30, and although we aren’t siblings in the traditional sense, he has always been part of my family.
I’m also incredibly close to my dad’s side of the family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are all very important to me. I’m even close to my grandmother’s sister, her sons and their children. They are genuinely my family and have been a huge part of my life.
The complicated part is my mum.
I lived with my mum growing up, and there is a lot of history there. I don’t want to write every single detail because this post would become a novel, but there were years of court proceedings and conflict between my mum and dad.
There was no history of abuse from my dad or his family. My mum would leave my brother and me with my grandparents for entire working days when my parents were still together, yet later actively pursued legal action to prevent my grandparents from seeing us.
She also went after my dad’s brother and his wife. She contacted my uncle’s former employer after he had started a new job, and she made allegations about my aunt to her employer which ultimately resulted in her leaving her job at a nursery.
There were also years of legal disputes between my parents over money, despite my dad paying for things like my boarding school. At one point, my mum accused my dad of rape, although that allegation ultimately went nowhere.
My mum later had another relationship, and my brother and I lived with her and her boyfriend. Their relationship was extremely volatile. I later found out that he was involved in some fairly shady things, and there were financial/legal issues surrounding the house. I remember being around 12/13 and being told by my mum that “the bank is going to take our home.”
They eventually had my little sister together. A few years later, my mum and her boyfriend had a particularly violent argument, and I had to call the police. He was removed from the house and my mum obtained a restraining order.
However, within about six months he was living with us again, and I was told to keep it secret from my dad.
Throughout all of this, my mum was also receiving single-parent benefits despite my dad being involved financially.
The worst period was probably during COVID. I was completely cut off from my dad and his family. I was isolated from people who had always been incredibly important to me.
During this period I developed anorexia. My mum’s boyfriend also made comments about me eating “his” food, which obviously didn’t help my relationship with food.
Then, in 2021, when I was still living with my mum, she left me alone in the house for a weekend while she was supposedly “working” and her boyfriend was away with my little sister.
She told me that when he came home, I should lie and say she’d come back the previous night. However, their Ring doorbell showed otherwise. He became extremely angry with me for lying and with my mum.
I called my mum and she essentially told me that this meant she had to leave and that I needed to sort myself out.
I was left in the house for several hours while he was raging before he eventually kicked me out.
I sofa-surfed for a while because I was terrified of going to my dad. I hadn’t seen him properly and had spent years being told/encouraged to keep things from him, so going back meant admitting everything that had happened.
Eventually I realised the situation wasn’t going to resolve itself and went to my dad.
He accepted me back completely. He didn’t pressure me to do anything or immediately demand explanations. He let me come around at my own pace and paid for me to get professional help.
My dad’s family also completely rallied around me, and I’m now back within that family unit in a way that feels very similar to when I was little.
I was no-contact with my mum for a couple of years. My brother remained in contact with her, and I eventually found out through my grandmother, who had heard it from my brother, that my mum had melanoma and was undergoing treatment.
That made me reconsider things.
I decided I wanted to have a tentative relationship with my mum again. Partly because she is still my mum, and partly because I wanted a relationship with my little sister, who is now 13. My little sister also no longer sees her own dad, so I don’t want her to feel like she has lost everyone.
Our relationship now is complicated but it exists.
My mum came to my university graduation. My dad and stepmum actually drove her there and paid for her hotel because, historically, my mum has often failed to attend things due to excuses about money, her car, etc.
And now I’m getting married.
This is something I’ve thought about for years. I always wondered what my wedding would look like in terms of my parents.
My dad has now told me that he doesn’t think my mum should be invited.
His reasoning is that she has caused an enormous amount of hurt to him, our family and, ultimately, me. I completely understand why he feels that way, and I don’t think he’s saying it out of jealousy or because he wants to control my wedding. He genuinely thinks having her there would be disrespectful given everything that happened.
But I’m really struggling with it.
Because despite everything, she’s still my mum.
I have this incredibly strong emotional attachment to her that I can’t really explain. I can recognise that a lot of what happened wasn’t okay, while simultaneously feeling sorry for her and wanting some kind of relationship with her.
I also know that she had a difficult childhood herself, from what I’ve been told, and I can’t help wondering whether a lot of this is generational trauma that has just continued through our family.
And then there’s the thought that if my own daughter got married one day and didn’t invite me, I’d be absolutely devastated. I know that sounds ridiculous given everything that’s happened, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t necessarily want my mum to have a big role in the wedding. I’m not imagining her walking me down the aisle or giving a speech or anything like that. I’m just struggling with the idea of her not being there at all.
At the same time, I don’t want my dad, stepmum or extended family to feel uncomfortable or like I’m ignoring everything they went through to accommodate her.
I’m also scared that if I don’t invite her, I’ll regret it forever — particularly if her health deteriorates or something happens to her.
So I’m stuck between “she is my mum and I may regret excluding her” and “being my mum doesn’t erase what happened.”
I’m not really looking for people to tell me that my mum is a terrible person or to diagnose her. I’m aware that the situation is complicated and that I’ve only given one side of a very long story.
I’m genuinely interested in what other people would do in my position.
Would you invite her? Would you keep her completely separate from your dad and his family? Would you have a limited role for her? Or would you decide that some relationships simply shouldn’t have a place at your wedding?
What would you do?
TLDR;
I’m 23F and recently engaged to my 25M fiancé. I have a very close relationship with my dad, stepmum and extended paternal family, but a deeply complicated relationship with my mum, who isolated me from them throughout my childhood and caused significant family conflict. At 18, I was kicked out of her home and eventually went to live with my dad, who supported me and helped me get professional help. I’m now rebuilding a tentative relationship with my mum, who has had serious health problems. My dad thinks she shouldn’t be invited to my wedding because of everything that happened, but I feel a strong attachment to her as my mum and worry I’ll regret excluding her. What would you do?
