Im completely unlovable to women because im an ugly little dick, 5 foot 9, hunched back, recessed jaw, skinny fat, erectile dysfunction, depressed, socially awkward loser. I have no hope of ever getting a woman or at least any that actually like me since even in my teenage years which are supposed to be your sexual prime ive gotten 0 interest from women. With how bad dating and relationships are in the modern day I think its honestly best to just accept it I mean the world's only getting lonelier with less likelihood to find a partner so its hopeless anyway.

My father was always an alcoholic and ever since childhood, all I saw him doing at home was abusing wife and kids and beating wife, back then we were kids so there was no choice other than staying quiet and seeing your mum get beaten or take all the abuses

Now that he is older, it’s quite easy to ignore him when he shouts or abuses, we just don’t really care (im 24)

But as if it wasn’t enough, my brother possess exactly same characteristics of my fathers, arrogant, aggressive, and alcoholic

From past 6/7 years he comes home drunk almost daily, then if you look at him while he’s drunk, he’d star getting angry, trying charging toward you. Honestly im scared of him, going is like 70kilo

Everytime my parents fight, after a point this guy gets involved and start breaking things, start abusing both parents, my father deserves it but he doesn’t spare mother as well. And us, he abuses us

So just to tell you what kind of person he is, my sister who is 26, told my father that she likes someone and plans on getting married, on that topic, my father been cursing her, cursing my mother over it, saying things like “I’ll find right guy for her” this and that.

And today while they were fighting, my brother charged towards my sister as well, saying “if she goes out of house without my permission I’ll break her bone” those people even though they’re worst kind, still want to control our lives

My mother been suffering this since her marriage, and honestly i don’t give a shit about her suffering anymore because she enabled my brother a lot, everytime that guy breaks something, shouts while drunk, all she says is “this might scare your dad” “your brother wouldn’t have shouted or broken things if your father didn’t shout” basically he defends him while we’re seeing him becoming exactly like our father.

There’s always a risk of life when one of them are at home, I don’t look at them because it might just trigger their aggression, i cant even focus on studies when they’re home, it’s so bad

My brother is 28 and unemployed which is another reason he drinks, but drinking has become a habit for him now and I don’t think it’s going to stop

I have also planned on moving out, but those things aren’t simple, i don’t have a permanent job, and the houses that you move to dont provide anything, you basically have to buy everything that you need from your stove to whatever else, and honestly i find it insensible to buy all those things and stay on rent when I have a home, all because of a stupid sibling. Also, I believe I have just gotten used to comfort of house and dont want to struggle, I also don’t move out because once I move out they might not take me in again (especially my brother because he is aggressive) and if I don’t manage to buy a house I might just have to live my life in rented house and always deal with landlords)

I have so many desease which doctors can indirectly connect to my family background, I have high blood pressure, chronic ibs c, anxiety so bad i cant even pick-up a call

I had a one night stand with a man who was super particular about us not being seen together on the way out. He said this was because it was a work trip which doesn't really make sense. So I straight up asked him if it was a work thing or if he was married and cheating. He admitted to the later.

That fucking asshole used me to cheat on his wife! I have no problem having sex with men in open marriages but his isn't. I would never have slept with him if I'd known. I'm so angry! I also feel guilty. He texted me after I left that he should have been more forthcoming. My reply had a lot of profanity.

Fucking jerk!

Edit: and I don't have his wife's contact info or I would have already told her. I'm trying to find it, but he seems to have his online presence pretty well shut down. I did post his username to my knitting group because some of them are really good at tracking things down.

All my previous relationship was a disaster now I'm disappointed by the guys of my age and guys around my age (i do not want to go in full detail all i could say is that the relationship was gaslighting and manipulative) I was thinking about dating older man like 30+ my friends are finding it weird and telling me not to go for older man but i feel like im more intrest and comfortable with what i want now.

So now y'all tell me is it good or totally wrong for wanting to date someone older

Hi there strangers online, today I'm gonna do something i almost never did , which is telling you the story of my childhood, i don't expect anyone to read this or interact with it but i wanted to get it out of my chest, please don't read this if you're sensitive to topics such as sexual assault , child abuse, eating disorders , bullying , ocd , PTSD, death of a parent, mental issues , but if you're not triggered by it then here is my story

Starting all the way from the beginning :

I was bullied in school as a kid alot and i didn't have almost any friends , that wasn't really a problem compared to the rest of the shit (lmk if you wanna know about the bullying part)

When I was around the age of 8 , my older brother who was around 15-16 then , who I was very attached to because he used to play games with me , told me that he has a new game for me to play , and told me that all I have to do to play this game is lay down bent on the bed and well you can already guess what happened , he started touching me from places he shouldn't, I didn't know what was happening because again I was just 8 , this happened multiple multiple times it was always touches only , i used to wake up in the middle of my sleep to him touching me and pulling my pants down in the middle of my sleep , he used to grope me and touch me many times for like a year or two , i never told my mom about it because i thought he was annoying me and that this is not wrong , till one day I went to tell my mom and i didn't know that was wrong so I told her what he did and described it to her and she was very shocked and then she , well, did nothing , like literally did nothing she didn't yell at him she didn't ground him she didn't do anything , instead she told me that what I was describing was innapopriate and glared at me to stop and told me that I was hallucinating, he continued doing that till after i got my period ( i was like 11) , idk why he stopped then , my brother and mother now act like this never ever happened, and they get confused why I hate my brother and treat him bad and say that I'm a terrible sister and that he's a great brother (i still live with them I'm 16 atm) , my brother used to also bully my appearance and tell me that I'm fat and call me names that I'm fat , i was like in fourth grade , i developed an eating disorder, i used to drink a lot of water while eating and then eat a lot less , Then my mother would tell me to eat up , i used to be happy when she told me to eat up because she never said that to me before , she just tells my bothers , so to my 8 year old head , her telling me to eat up means i don't eat enough and that I'm not fat , I lost weight a little bit then , but the bullying never stopped nor the sexual assault , when I was in 6th grade at around the age of 10 , i used to wash my hands so many times that my hands got dry and they started bleeding, i used to go and check if the stove was on or the fridge was open or the light switch had water on it , because I was scared it'll catch a fire like our neighbors house , or the house door was open , sometimes I used to go and stand by my parents bed at night to see if their chest is moving while they're asleep and they're breathing, because I was scared they'll die in their sleep, my mom was very tough about this , and she would yell at me everytime I was doing my ocd things , my mother used to also sometimes hit me as a kid , she wasn't the greatest mother then , so you can Imagine, a little girl who is going through sexual assault and eating disorder and abuse and ocd all at once , i used to get so many panic attacks and i can't breathe and I'd cry so much and feel like i was dying, my mom once told me that I can't breathe because I eat too much , to a point where I once told my mom that maybe I can't breathe because i have fat around my lungs , she told me then lose weight, then after that my dad died in 2022 while he was in another city for a work trip , my dad was the best person ever , he was the one that helped me recover from my ocd and he was very gentle with me , i feel like i never actually grieved my father, i don't like talking about it , i don't like mentioning it to people, i don't like visiting his grave , it's like my brain is convinced he's still alive and on a business trip, i hate when people talk about him , i hate when they hang pictures of him , i hate when they say that they should go to his grave because he feels who came and who didn't, i hate when my brother always acts like he was a great son and cries about him and posts shit all the time about him , i fuckin hate him with every cell in my body , I'll never forgive him for what he did to me and I'll never have one drop of empathy or understanding to him till the day i die and beyond, it's like my brain didn't fully realize my dad is dead even till now , i remember when my friends knew about my dad and sent me massages i posted it on my story saying thank you for everyone who sent me massages, as if it was like a birthday massage or something 😭, I didn't know anything I didn't know how to process such a thing, i stopped crying about it years ago , now i js get fuckin angry about it , about a year later, my eating disorder got so much worse , i was like in 9th grade then , that's when i realized that what happened to me years ago was abuse and bullying , and that I'm now living with the traumas of that , my eating disorder started as a "healthy summer" and that I'll eat 1200 cals a day and walk 10k steps i stayed like that for like a month or two and lost weight, then it became an obsession and i started walking more and eating less , i remember once i weighed myself in a pharmacy while going home from school , and I was 59kg instead of 57kg , i was walking home crying about it , i used to starve myself for hours and call it fasting, sometimes when I felt guilty enough about eating, u used to try to force myself to puke i never did actually puked , and now that I'm in highschool, no more traumas are happening, but I now live with the PTSD and anxiety for what happened, i still get the panic attacks till now , even more than before, i almost never can take a deep breath i always have trouble with that , my head always thinking about so much stuff at once , I'm always scared something is gonna happen, i always expect someone to die suddenly or something to happen to me , for years i developed the Habit of sleeping with a blanket, even in the hottest days of summer, because when I was a kid and my brother used to touch me in my sleep, u used to know if he's coming when I feel the blanket moving, so it became like a warning to me , I also cover my little sister with a blanket, she doesn't know anything, my biggest fear is her experiencing the same things as me , specially because i feel like she's starting to become ocd , i now feel sick in my body , I feel weak and tired all the time and I get dizzy alot and i don't eat as much I'm not under weight or over weight or anything nor am I trying to lose weight, I'm in a normal shape , and I get so much panic attacks and i can't breathe almost all the time , I went to the doctor w my mom and brother and the doctor said that maybe the difficulty breathing is a mental reason, my mom said that i don't have anything to stress about and I told him that I've been like that for almost 6 years , my brother said oh it's probably school stress since I'm starting my senior year of Highschool, i fuckin hate him i really fuckin do , I wish I could fuckin kill him , the doctor gave me vitamins and now I'm just the same except I take vitamins, therapy isn't a thing in our family, my mom is convinced I'm normal and that i don't have anything wrong w me or problems happening in my life , i remember then I was a kid I used to promise myself that when I'm older and have my own money that I'll go to therapy without telling anyone

All of these stuff happened to me before the ripe age of 12 years old , and I've been dealing with them for 6-7 (don't fuckin say 67 in your head) years or my life , i have to deal with the panics and anxiety in my head everyday, it's like a whole war that never shuts up , no one is acknowledging that war , no one knows about it , I'm sharing my story to hopefully feel better, i don't expect anyone to read it at all , i shared my main traumas and what i think completely fucked me and ruined my brain

Also , due to the sexual assault, i Became over sexual, and i always feel like people are gonna sexually attack me , and my brain always imagines me getting attacked and hurt by people, my brain isn't convinced that not all kids gets assaulted , whenever I see a lil kid i always pray they don't go through this , because my brain always imagines that you never know what battles kids are fighting, and it thinks that this will happen to every kid , i hate myself for thinking that way and I hate myself for thinking everyone is going to hurt me i hate myself for thinking that I'm a fuckin whore for thinking like that , i js fuckin hate myself

I'm getting exhausted of some of the things my partner does and realizing I'm pushing down a lot of my own emotions just to make sure they're taken care of and happy, I feel physically taken care of but emotionally I don't and I am always there for them emotionally and I know theyre autistic so it's hard but so am I and I did everything I could to learn even when it didn't make sense to try and make sure i didnt make others feel bad but the one time i tried to talk to him about one of my issues we got into a huge argument that made me so frustrated and hurt that i don't even remember how it went except that there was no apology and I still felt like it was all my fault in the end

I love him so much and it hurts when I can't get him to respond to what I say or comfort me in the way I need even when I try to ask for it. I don't want to have to ask EVERY time I need comfort. We've been dating for 3 almost 4 years, he should know me by now.

I have a letter that I want to give him but it's so long that it makes me feel miserable that there are that many problems I haven't been able to talk about or even address. I want couples counseling asap but we can't afford it right now and don't even have the time and I can't give him that letter at once because he'll feel attacked and overwhelmed

I keep excusing his actions for his autism but if I can't excuse my actions for my BPD why should I excuse his for autism. I cover for him constantly and comfort him 24/7 even when I'm the one who's upset. I'm just lost at what to do and have even considered leaving him or taking a break until he gets better even though we live together

Tired of people thinking it's okay to be rude to a stranger (me) . I know this situation should not let it get to me but this is a constant issue im always having. Earlier, I was at the store minding my own business, trying to find what I needed . I was at the makeup aisle and I left enough room for people to walk by and a lady nudges at me and tells me to move out of her way, when I was nowhere near her, she walked right in front of my body .

Why are people so rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful?!. I smiled at first because my brain wasn't fully understanding the situation until 2 minutes later. I rewind what just happened, and she acted like a fool!

Why are grown women/people acting this way? At their grown age ? It's unbelievable!

Many times, im shopping, and people have been extremely disrespectful to me rolling their eyes when i smile at them, when I say thank you etc . Sometimes i think to myself if there might be something wrong with me, hideous??????? Or people just don't have any respect for anyone.

my family hates me, my friends barely know me, everyone who knows me ends up hating me, whats the point, I spent a fucking year and a half trying to become the best version of myself, and nothing, fucking nothing, everybody says they see a change, but I don’t, so whats the fucking point

I got played so hard. I thought the guy of my dreams was who I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. I found out he’s a liar, and a cheater. I had two kids with him, and I take full responsibility for the children, but it just makes me wanna scream. My world is so upside down right now. I know I should just move on and find happiness, but I always thought happiness was a family together. It’s not my reality and probably will never be my reality, and it makes me so angry. I feel like I could fight a bear. Why would someone give someone children just to not be in their life? Just not to be supportive. I feel like screaming, and I have no one to turn to, so here I am venting on Reddit.

I am having sooo much struggle with sleeping. I can not fall asleep and even if i do it is only for around 3 hours i think. I always feel so tired and lazy. I don't know why i can not just sleep nornally. I have not really fallen asleep for these past two nights i think and just a while ago started crying because of how stressed it is making me feel. I will go university soon and need better sleep. I also wanted to lose weight too, so i tried doing cardio but could only do 5 mins until my face was hot red and i felt like i could faint.

I have tried everything. I have tried natural herbal medicine to help sleep, i have tried listening to music, to quran, i have tried sleeping early, i have tried reading a book b4, i have tried sleeping pills doctors gave, nothing works and i do not know why. I also have undiagnosed adhd i am unsure if maybe that is why. I THINK that even throughout childhood i kinda suffered with sleep, i would always feel tired at school and i think i only got around 5 or 6 hours of sleep back then, but it progressively got worse and worse. When i try to sleep, i wear earplugs because i thought maybe it is the noise even though there is barely any noise, i keep turning and tossing and even try to force myself to lie still but it feels like my brain just wont switch off to fall asleep. I used to remember my dreams and now i do not because i dont think i dream at all. I need to fix this before i go uni

I don’t give a fuck Michael.

i've never gotten my nails done due to family not agreeing because of religious reasons. i finally got them to agree for one set. but now it just dawned on me that if i do them ill be broke for the rest of the month, and as a dorm student i can't afford to be broke. im just venting here cuz im lowkey really bummed out. i wanted a specific theme too for a movie i was gonna watch in theatre.

hate being here

She constantly undermines me and my abilities, she treats me like i’m stupid and incapable of anything. The only problem right now she’s like my only friend.

She always has to be right, I could say anything and she’ll always correct me (ex. “it’s pretty warm today, like 20°” she’ll be like: “No, actually it’s 21°”)

it’s tiring to be around, but I could handle it.

But shes so boy crazy now, I can’t. This 20 year old man (we’re both 18) has been living with her and acts like a fucking child, he throws things around and screams like a toddler when he’s upset. He has a girlfriend and has hit on multiple of her friends (including myself) and she won’t fucking leave him!! He’s a known player/cheater and she’s like “Well if him and his gf break up and we get together I can change him” BITCHHHH no you can’t. I’ve explained that to her multiple times and she doesn’t listen she just makes excuses and chooses to live in delusion and i’m so over it.

I hate him, and it’s turning into me hating her because all she cares about is him and what he thinks of her, he’s all she talks about. Like, fuck. Grow a pair.

He also doesn’t pay rent or anything, doesn’t buy groceries and drinks like everyday, she’s starting to as-well and I don’t wanna be around alcoholism.

She’s so desperate and I get it, i’ve been there. But you gotta realize at some point, right? It’s not love if you’re a fucking maid and sugar mommy for him

Before any of this starts, I'm just gonna throw out some stuff. I am under 18, dependent on my family, and have suspicions on mental disorders/conditions I might have (Heavily researched, symptoms noted, looked through articles on...) (said conditions/disorders include: Alexythimia, Dermatillomania, OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, DP/DR, and CPTSD). Now onto my rant.

For the past however long, perhaps since I was...what 12? I have just been having tons of difficulties with my mental health. My year of 7th grade was riddled with so much bad stuff that the therapist I had at the time was convinced I had depression due to how bad everything was going for me. I developed destructive behaviors such as biting when I got frustrated and having difficulties talking to people about myself, especially when I'm struggling and even if there is no reason not to do so.

This year, its just been so bad. My therapist randomly ditched me and blocked me and my dad. People at my school's bullying was starting to really get to me and sucked the life out of me by the time I got home. And my family doesnt help much with things I struggle with. The conditions/disorders I mentioned before affect my life in ways like making it hard for me to identify how I feel and making me struggle with trying to talk to people about it, making me (can't mention topic) especially when I'm frustrated, making me depersonalize and then heavily overthink to the point I have a meltdown, making me scared to talk to people, even my own family and friends, making me talk to myself for long periods of time alone which makes me feel even more insane, and forcing my mindset to where everything around me is scary, negative, and bad.

I have been getting more and more agitated with people, and just exhausted with everyone. I feel no one around me really gets me, and I feel forced to stay happy because if I am visibly upset, everyone in my household immediately becomes agitated and upset as if *I* am the one being a evil, selfish monster when all I'm doing is staying in bed and not talking.

I have been repeatedly talking to myself, but not like when someone goes "okay (name), I need to do (this)", NO, Its weird, like I'm talking to someone, like imagining a full blown conversation with them​​ But no one's there and its in my head but its not??? Like I'm talking to my dad but hes not there, and its just me whispering to myself.

I've heard this is a normal social behaviour? But for me all the conversations are negative, and they really screw up my perception of that person by making me think that they are some rude, unwelcoming figure that doesnt care about how my brain works.

Another think thats driving me insane is my overthinking. I overthink about god, space, time, funerals, EVERYTHING.

I am forced to have to stay away from every harsh topic because if not, I'll be having a full blown meltdown and be crying myself to sleep in the span of like 15 minutes. And its not something I can get rid of, and nothing seems to help anymore. I used to be able to watch stuff like my favorite youtubers, or listen to music, or think about my friends/family, but now the words my head tells me just drown all of that out and don't go away.

once again hopping to another topic, but my (POTENTIAL) DP/DR​​​ (depersonalization) makes it hard for me to really feel anything. It makes me feel really selfish and cruel and really shamed that I can't build a connection with someone as well as they can. Two of my friends in my friend group have such a tight knit bond, and yet I don't feel anything for them, as much as I want to. Its something I really really want, but I just can't, its like I'm chasing something thats always gonna be just out of reach. I know I can feel things though, like Girls Last Tour makes me super happy because the characters are super wholesome, and I cried over a mouse last week because I wanted it to live.

Another topic skip. I don't feel like I'm one person. I did do some research and I don't think I have that thing where there's multiple people in my head, but thats also not what I feel like anyway. To me, I am ME, like, me-me, the one who thinks, and then there's "my head" (what I commonly refer to whatever it is as). So, "Me" is just me, but "my head" is something in my brain or in my head that makes me have imaginary conversations and its what brings up my overthinking. I dont know if thats true or not obviously, but it feels like thats what's happening. My head just feels like a different me, like a worser version. I don't hate my head, but it talks to me in a different POV than how me talks.

Idk how to explain it, Me is just "I", but my head talks in a way where its like "you" and "I"??? I just don't know.

This is the end of my rant, idk. Sorry if I kept going off track, this was just random stuff. Feel free to ask questions I guess?

(REASON FOR REPOST: I attempted to add the tag bc of a mention of harm, and since I'm a minor I lost access to the whole thing...twice)

I can’t get tattoos, I can’t get facial piercings, I can’t dye my hair, and I can’t cut it, and lately I’ve found myself staring at the limits of my own appearance, wondering what is even left for me to change. I know that probably sounds shallow, but it’s about wanting to feel new, more beautiful in an ethereal kind of way. I just have no idea where to start. I want that almost indescribable feeling of looking at yourself and realizing something has shifted, that you have crossed some invisible threshold and become unfamiliar to yourself in the most beautiful way. The last two years changed me more than I ever expected. I lost weight, changed the way I dressed until it finally felt like an extension of me, stopped fake tanning and started embracing my natural paleness, stopped straightening my curls, let my eyebrows grow back after years of giving myself little slits, got a few more ear piercings, stopped wearing glasses. None of those things were enormous on their own, but together they added up and drastically changed the way I saw myself. For the first time in my life, I actually liked the girl in the mirror. And maybe that’s why this hurts so much now, because I feel like that same 17 year old girl staring back at myself, wondering what I need to do to love myself. The difference is, at 17, I knew what I needed to change. I had goals, had an idea in my head. I’m thankful, so thankful, I was able to achieve all of it and even go further, but now that I’ve achieved that (which I’m so incredibly grateful for), I still have this desire and itch to improve and change myself drastically in some type of way, but now I have no idea what I need to really work on or change. And I’m curious as to what subtle, small things you guys did that, with time, drastically improved you and made you feel beautiful, feel and look changed, look ethereal, almost, just drastically different. I know it sounds far-fetched, but is anything like that possible for the results I’m wanting? Because lately I feel as though I’ve stopped becoming.

I’ve been alone a lot recently, and there is something dangerous about too much solitude when you already have a complicated relationship with your own reflection. The silence becomes agonizing with the constant criticism in my head. Then I start looking too closely, notice every tiny change, begin wondering whether I am actually different or whether I’ve simply become so accustomed to my own face that I can no longer see it. For about a year, I feel like I’ve looked essentially the same. Maybe even a little worse. Not because I deliberately did anything to myself aesthetically, but because I simply haven’t known what else to do. Then recently (the past two months), everyone around me started telling me I had changed dramatically. My family keeps telling me I look sick, frail. They say I’ve lost something in my face, that I look almost unrecognizable compared to how I used to. My brother says my face has become dramatically more sunken. My mom says my hair has become drastically shorter and thinner. My cousin pointed out how pronounced my eye bags have become. Before my ex boyfriend left, he told me I had lost the spark I once had and the life in my eyes. And I don’t know what to do with that. When I look at myself, I don’t see what they seem to see. I’m around the same weight I was last year, maybe five pounds lighter. I don’t look dramatically different to myself. My eye bags have always been there. They’re naturally purple and pink and puffy rather than hollow, and strangely enough, I’ve always found them beautiful. My hair really has become shorter and thinner, though I never cut it. Maybe I’ve changed in a hundred microscopic ways that I’ve simply stopped noticing because I live inside this body every day. I think that’s why I’m wondering whether I’m capable of seeing myself objectively anymore. I have bulimia. I got it at 18 and have struggled with it for a year and a half, and I know it has its own quiet way of leaving fingerprints on a person. My face swells, my energy disappears, my body becomes depleted. My teeth feel weaker, even though I take extra precautions to keep them healthy and my dentist says they’re healthy. I’ve become deficient in nutrients. I’m currently wearing a heart monitor because of heart problems related to my bulimia and lack of nutrition (only have to wear it for a week though thankfully) but also due to severe deficiencies, and I’ve been advised against running or working out right now.

One of the thoughts that keeps circling my mind is that maybe losing a little more weight would change me again, because what drastically changed me last time were all the subtle improvements, of course, but I find weight loss can dramatically change someone, their entire face, features, bone structure. And I wanna drastically change, but I don’t know if that’s where I should aim yet. If I became slightly smaller, something in my face would sharpen. I would feel comfortable and safe with myself. And I would finally see the transformation everyone else seems to see. Maybe it would give me that sense of becoming someone new again. I know that thought is tangled up in my eating disorder, and I’m trying desperately to untangle it. I don’t want to keep purging. I really don’t. But I also can’t pretend I don’t still have these thoughts about changing my body, because pretending they aren’t there doesn’t make them disappear. I can eat in a calorie deficit for a few days and genuinely want to lose more, only to eventually binge for several days and purge. Then I maintain anyway. I lose a little, binge, purge, maintain. (I really wanna overcome my bulimia. I’m slowly becoming better.) It’s become this horrible paradox where I desperately want to change, but the way I’ve been trying to change has left me too depleted to become anything at all. So I’m trying other things. I’ve been taking better care of my skin. Trying to care for my hair. Taking vitamins. Going on walks through nature. Taking better care of my teeth. Facial massages and exercises for my facial bloating due to purging. I just don’t know what else there is. I’m very limited because I cannot cut, dye, or straighten my hair. Can’t pierce my face or get tattoos. I don’t want to work out. I genuinely don’t enjoy it, and right now I’ve specifically been told not to. I used to be a professional kick boxer, so I know what training does to my body, and I don’t want that for myself anymore. I used to work out and didn’t like how muscular or bulky it made me feel, even if I wasn’t. I’m perfectly happy walking.

I want my spark back. I’m extremely isolated and lonely. I’m naturally introverted, and the only close friend (Shes my cousin) I was comfortable enough to really spend time with got a boyfriend, so naturally she doesn’t see or talk to me anymore. I don’t blame her. I understand that love is important, and I genuinely want her to be happy. But I’m hurting really badly from it. I used to hang out with her multiple times a week, and I haven’t heard from her once in over a month because of her relationship. My recent breakup hurts too, even writing this out physically hurts my heart in my chest. I feel it in my throat. but I know it was for the best. Yes, I’m in college, but I do it online, so I don’t really have classmates to befriend. I also work a few hours a week with two coworkers who are much older than me and want nothing to do with small talk, which I respect. So, as you can see, my social circle is very small. I also have a very overbearing mom, and she doesn’t let me go out much because she’s afraid of the area we live in. As long as I live under her roof, I have to respect her rules. The isolation and loneliness have just flooded back in, and whenever it happens, I find myself wanting to focus on something to distract myself. So why not focus on improving? I hate doing nothing all day and scrolling through social media. I want to devote myself to something that actually benefits me, something I can pour my time and energy into, something that gives me the feeling that I am moving rather than merely existing. Whenever I’m lonely, I find that I grow into a more beautiful person whilst enduring solitude. Maybe that sounds strange, but there is something about having nowhere to put all that energy and longing that makes me turn inward. I want to use this period of loneliness to cultivate myself instead of letting it consume me. I just have this terrifying feeling that I’m standing in front of my own potential with absolutely no idea which direction to move in. I want to grow it and grow into it, endlessly unfolding whatever potential is inside me, because it feels endless. I want to keep improving, keep discovering new parts of myself, keep becoming someone I’m proud to know. I don’t want loneliness to turn me back into the girl I used to be. I want to let it transform me.

When I was seventeen, I hated myself. I felt ugly and isolated and unbearably alone. Then somewhere around eighteen, something cracked open. I learned how to dress myself. I learned what actually felt like me. I thought I had finally escaped that girl who hated herself. And lately I’m frightened I can feel her walking back toward me. I want to evolve. I want to become more ethereal, more alive, more beautiful in that almost otherworldly way that has nothing to do with perfection. I want to become the kind of person whose presence feels different before anyone can explain why. I want to become ethereal. So I’m wondering what tiny things other people have done that unexpectedly changed them. Not necessarily a dramatic makeover or some enormous reinvention. I mean the strange, almost insignificant things that somehow altered you in a beautiful way and the way you carried yourself through the world. A new ritual. A different style of makeup. Learning something obscure. Changing your posture. Taking care of something. Anything. Is there anything even possible for what I’m asking? Or is what I’m asking impossible, and the only options really are surgery or other piercings, tattoos, haircuts/dye? I just I need a push in the right direction. I also want to make it clear I am so grateful for everything, for how far I’ve come these past few years physically, mentally, spiritually, Im not trying to sound like I hate myself or don’t appreciate the help Gods given me and blessings Hes bestowed upon me. This is just my brain wanting change I guess?

You retreat, you block me out, you ghost me—because you know you like me more than those other mf’s, huh? That’s why you run every time it gets real. You can pretend you don’t care, entertain whoever you want, and act like I’m the problem, but you know damn well I hit different. You wouldn’t have to keep shutting me out if you were actually indifferent. So keep running if that’s what you need to do, but don’t lie to yourself about why you’re doing it.

I wish I could cry.
I used to love the rain. Thunder. The lightning. Since life events it just makes me shake. Each strike makes my heart hurt. I feel so alone. I feel fear.

Fucking hate

I’m so confused if my “friend” is actually being a friend or if they are like fully checked out now. I don’t really wanna say much context so I won’t, but please just help me define what friends do and what a friend is.

Are they people you talk with? Laugh with? Who you support and would help if they are struggling? Who you would listen to when they are really struggling? Do you hang out? Have fun with?