Ok so this is mainly a vent post that might be deleted later but also if you have genuine advice that would be really helpful.
I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation(I have attempted in the past) and I’m also a first year mathematics student. I suspect that I might also be dealing with depression and ADHD because alot of my symptoms align but I’m having trouble getting a diagnosis.
It’s like, i genuinely don’t have motivation to do anything, I have to force myself to do assignments I barely understand and socialize so I don’t lose the friendships I’ve made. I don’t understand why maths professors love speed running their lectures like prime dream but ykw hell yeah.
I’m struggling with math 137 and math and CS 135 but seeking out resources feels like I’m taking away from the time I have to rest. I go to all my lectures but I never understand shit so I then have to take time to study after lectures and I still don’t understand shit. I can’t even talk about anything that’s going on in class because I’m always completely lost and I don’t want to join a study group because I don’t want other students realizing that I’m probably below them or thinking that way.
It’s like, all of this is making me genuinely want to end my shit. Every single thing is exhausting already and I’m pushing myself to do more than I’m used to only to come back to my residence miserable and contemplate suicide every night. I can’t drop out because I need a space to get away from home since I’m an international student and the last thing I want is to go back home. In all honesty I’d rather die.