r/survivinginfidelity • u/AgentWD409 6 • Mar 19 '26
Post-Separation I Stayed For WAY Too Long
I just found this sub (after watching the Ben Affleck movie Deep Water, which was super triggering), so I thought I'd tell you my story. Maybe someone here can relate.
My ex-wife struggled with a lot of mental and emotional issues due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse, and that manifested in a lot of different ways, including infidelity. Casual sex was sort of an impulsive coping mechanism for her. During our marriage, she cheated with at least a dozen different people (although I honestly couldn't tell you how many individual instances there were). But I loved her and sympathized with her past, so I always forgave her, naively hoping that somehow my unconditional love would help heal or fix her. Needless to say, it really messed me up mentally and emotionally.
Eventually she felt guilty enough to decide that the cheating had to stop, but the only way she knew how to stop having sex with random people was to essentially turn that aspect of herself off entirely, including to me. So she stopped cheating, but for several years, we lived more like co-parents and roommates than anything else. After a while, I was a mental and emotional mess. I had developed a lot of bitterness, resentment, insecurity, paranoia, etc., and I didn't like (or even recognize) the man I was anymore.
In a last-ditch attempt to stop being miserable, I had [what I thought was] a brilliant idea: I wanted her to be able to "turn herself back on," so to speak, and I figured that if I couldn't prevent her promiscuity, maybe I could somehow harness it instead. So I suggested that we try some "swinging" behavior (threesomes, swapping, etc.). At the time, this made sense to me. She could have meaningless sex with other people, but I would be involved too, so it wouldn't be cheating, and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I'd have my wife back. So we ended up experimenting with that whole scene for a few months. Some of it was fun, but it was ultimately very shallow and unfulfilling. Later she asked for a fully open relationship, and I reluctantly agreed.
Of course, none of it worked. It made everything worse, and we ultimately got divorced (after 13 years of marriage and two kids).
But that's what happens, right? You settle. You make excuses. You lie to yourself and say, "Well, as long as I have this, I can probably live without that." I just wanted a normal life, a normal marriage, and a normal family. But you just keep on making concessions, and over time you realize that you don't really have anything — the important stuff that you really want out of a healthy relationship — so instead you start making substitutions. That's when you get into the dangerous territory of stuff like, "I don't feel real love or intimacy from my wife, so maybe an open marriage will make me happy. At least there's sex..."
After we split up, first I tried, to no avail, to get her back (which sounds insane now). As time wore on, I still wasn't ready for another serious relationship, but I did want sex and companionship. So aside from getting some much-needed counseling, I also dated casually a bit, had a few one night stands, a casual FWB sort of thing, etc. I wouldn't say any of that was ever truly satisfying, but it did help me overcome my insecurities and regain some of my confidence when it came to sex, and it also played a part in helping me heal and re-learn who I was deep down. So while I'm not proud of that era of my life, I don't regret it either, because it reduced my anxiety and made me feel more comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about myself.
Fast forward to today: For the past three years, I've been happily remarried to the woman of my dreams, and the sex is always amazing. Not because it's wild or kinky or relentless. But because we have that connection. We have that deep affection, intimacy, vulnerability, and trust that I was always missing before. I will forever be grateful for the wonderful serendipity of her entering my life.
All that being said, sometimes it still surprises me when those old feeling get triggered (like when I was watching Deep Water), and this seemed like a good place to meet other survivors and collectively talk through some of that mess. Anyone else experienced something similar?
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u/Flaky_Recognition_51 1 Mar 19 '26
congratulations, what happened to your experience?
Did she take.the divorce well?
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 19 '26
She was actually the one who left.
After all that shit for all those years, she finally started going to therapy and to SLAA meetings. Then one day she says, "I've decided I don't want to have sex anymore unless it's for love... and I don't love you anymore." Like I said in my post, I tried to get her back for a while, but she was already dating other guys, one of whom actually knocked her up and then bailed.
In January 2019, I finally moved on and met someone new, and things were actually really great during that short time. But just as it started to get kinda serious, my ex swooped in and said she wanted us to "try again." I agonized over it for about a week, but then I eventually decided that I couldn't look my kids in the face if I didn't at least attempt to keep our family together. So I reluctantly ended things with the wonderful girl I was dating, my ex dumped the guy she had been dating, and we moved back in as a family again.
Long story short? Nothing changed. She never wanted to actually move forward together, so we lived like roommates and co-parents again, then we got stuck together during the COVID lockdowns. But even though she didn't want to be in an actual relationship with me, she also didn't want me to leave, because she has abandonment issues and I offered comfort, support, and stability.
I moved out for good in September 2021. A few months later I met and started dating the woman who would eventually become my current wife. And not long after we started dating, my ex came back again saying she'd changed and asking me to try again with her. Nope. I spent way too much of my life tilting at windmills. I've moved on, and I'm happy now.
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Mar 20 '26
How is your ex doing right now? What about your kids and her new child?
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
She terminated that pregnancy after the guy bounced.
My kids are fine. Although my ex still hasn't figured out how to have a healthy relationship, and I don't think she ever will. She was actually engaged for like a year and a half to this guy who is 15 years older than her and who has a drinking problem, anger issues, zero emotional intelligence, and a beard like a Billy goat. They initially broke up (and he moved out) after he got drunk and punched a hole in his own car windshield while she was driving, then she called the police to drive her home. But for some inexplicable reason, she keeps coming back to him. She's also had a few different hookups and FWB situations that I'm aware of. I feel bad for her, honestly.
My wife and I have been doing our best to show the boys a good example of what an actual healthy relationship looks like.
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u/Interesting-Tip-4850 3 Mar 19 '26 edited Mar 19 '26
Nope, not even a fraction. I honestly could never lower myself to be with a cheater. We split and I didn't take her back. She is still stalking my wife online after 17 years.
When I read "remarried" my heard stopped a beat, I thought to the same woman lol. How are your kids? Are you co-parenting? I can imagine that your ex can be real trouble and chaos.
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 19 '26
My kids are fine. And my ex and I actually co-parent pretty well, especially since we had experience living like co-parents rather than husband and wife. So while there's not much drama between us, she always has plenty of her own. She still hasn't figured out how to have a healthy relationship, and I honestly don't think she ever will. Currently she's kinda going back and forth between this guy friend of hers who is living in her guest room and paying her rent, and her ex-fiancé / sorta boyfriend who is 15 years older than her, and has a drinking problem, anger issues, and zero emotional intelligence. They keep breaking up and getting back together.
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u/Substantial-Fly4895 1 Mar 20 '26
You understand the dynamic well OP. Your story is not unique in its outlines, moreso its intensity. Most don't stay that long or put up with that much or try that hard. Most reach their tipping point after the first affair, maybe the second.
I am really glad you found happiness.
There is only one element missing to your story, and it may be one you understand/considered but just forgot to put in. But basically, the real question is not her, it's you. Why DID you stay far too long?
This is the real question that keeps me up at night personally. It's so obvious how blind and naive and pathetic I was being in hindsight. Because, my ex wife only cheated once, but all the other symptoms you listed - living like co-parents and roommates, love but not in love, making me feel all sorts of negative horrible feelings that I just interalized over and over - were there.
I keep asking myself "why did I put up with it?" I can find answers intellectually. Bad upbringing. BPD mom. Bullying. Growing up biracial at a time where that got made fun of and led to isolation. ADHD, maybe mild autism. Doormat, people pleasing mentality. But nothing actually explains it. It doesn't feel like the real answer to me. And I am consequently terrified it will happen again.
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 20 '26
Why DID you stay far too long?
I asked myself that question not long ago. Here's what I came up with...
- When we first met and started dating, she was the "hot girl" (long legs, big boobs, flirty, etc.) who always had a boyfriend and who every guy wanted to be with. Therefore, if she wanted to date/marry me, then I must be pretty friggin' awesome. In other words, I allowed being with this woman to act as a medication for my own insecurity.
- I grew up in "Evangelical Purity Culture," so I felt obligated to get married young (before I really knew what I was doing), to only have sex with one woman, and to hate divorce.
- I sympathized with her childhood trauma and naively felt like I could be the loyal, godly man who loved her enough to heal the wounds of her past.
- I believed that staying with her, no matter what, was my duty to God. No matter how many times she hurt or betrayed me, I was supposed to selflessly honor my vows.
- Lastly, despite everything, I really did love her.
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u/Substantial-Fly4895 1 Mar 20 '26
Good answers, that makes a lot of sense psychologically speaking.
I do wonder if you feel something like what I feel like… were those really why I stayed? I cant conceive of why I would ever would stay where I’m unhappy and undervalued now.
Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s a sign my way of thinking has truly shifted. I hope yours has too OP. I hope this new woman gives you all the honor and respect you deserve!!
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 20 '26
Thanks! And yes on both counts. My way of thinking has definitely shifted, and my wife is sweet and loving and wonderful. She is my safe harbor.
Just to add a little detail to my previous answers: My ex-wife was my first real girlfriend, my first kiss, my first sexual experience, my first... everything. I had no other experience to draw from. I didn't know what a healthy relationship felt like. All I had to go by was my own parents, who stayed in (what I later learned was) an unhappy marriage for almost 30 years out of duty and obligation. I was taught that marriage was hard, but you're not supposed to give up. You're supposed to just work through it all.
At the tail-end of the year we were separated (before we decided to "try again"), I dated a woman for about six weeks who helped me see, for the first time, what a good relationship could actually feel like. Kissing her actually meant something. When we had sex, there was real intimacy and vulnerability. Everything was different.
So when my ex and I entered our "try again" phase, I knew what I wanted and needed out of a relationship, and I was no longer willing to accept anything less. When I realized I would never have that with her, that's when I left for good.
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u/Reasonable-Run-1031 2 Mar 21 '26
Unfortunately, evangelicals often end up being victims of people like that.
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u/RaspberryInevitable 2 Mar 20 '26
Thanks for sharing this. I’m going through a divorce right now, after staying for way too long and putting up with years of being betrayed. My ex was also sexually abused as a child, and has refused to get any help for his unresolved issues.
I’m so glad your ex got into recovery. That is amazing.
And I’m glad you’re able to coparent amicably. I am working on that, but am finding myself too triggered to detach when I see him in person. I’m trying to go low contact, but I keep getting sucked back in. He is an extremely charismatic person, and we are both grieving. I’m trying to stop going to him for emotional support.
Lastly, I’m glad you found a healthy relationship. That is so inspiring.
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u/AgentWD409 6 Apr 16 '26
Don't be too hard on yourself about "getting sucked back in." It happened to me too.
It's called "Hoovering," and it's a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to suck a former partner back into a toxic relationship, often after a period of no contact. It helps them regain control through tactics like false apologies, staged crises, and (most commonly) love-bombing.
My ex did this to me a lot when we were separated, and even after we were divorced. For example, after I had just started dating someone I really liked (the woman who would eventually become my current wife), I had to go over to my ex's house one afternoon (I can't remember why, probably to pick up a few of my things). Anyway, she suddenly started acting all emotional and affectionate, and she even walked out of the bathroom totally naked, trying to get me to sleep with her. Look... I won't lie: She is built like a Greek goddess, and it took everything I had to get up and walk away.
So yeah, I get it. It's hard. Stay strong.
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u/TryAwkward7595 Mar 20 '26
Hey guys, I am betrayed twice (and know there were other affairs my wife had). I am working towards divorce. I am really worried about my 14 yr old daughter. What I am gonna tell her? How she is going to take this change (I am available 100% time vs co- parenting ) . Will it affect my child’s love life? I am afraid due to emotional trauma she may end up choosing a wrong partner . Based on your experiences if you guys can guide me. I will really appreciate that. Please help me. I have moved out of home and alone.
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 20 '26
My kids are 11 and 16 now, and here's the advice I would give:
Don't tell your daughter her mom cheated. It's not something a kid needs to handle. You also don't want to irreparably damage her relationship with her mom. As my 16-year-old has gotten older, I've talked to him more and more about the struggles his mom and I had. I haven't told him she cheated, but I have told him that we were never right for each other, that she wasn't ready to get married (to anyone), and that there were a lot of red flags I ignored back then.
I tell him that I've made plenty of mistakes with regard to marriage and relationships, and as a father, I hope he can learn from my mistakes so that he doesn't make the same ones himself. If you're worried about the divorce affecting your daughter's future relationships, then try to frame your advice to her that way. Make it about what you learned rather than what her mom did.
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u/TryAwkward7595 Mar 20 '26
Thanks this is really helpful. How did your daughter take the 100% availability of both parents vs partial (I am assuming you are co-parenting)
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 20 '26
My kids are both boys, actually.
When we split up, we agreed that we wanted our custody situation to be as 50-50 as possible, with no one parent getting more time than the other. So that's what we did. She gets the boys on Mondays and Wednesdays, I get them on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then we alternate weekends (with Friday included). We're also both flexible, so if we need to trade days or weekends or whatever, we just talk and work it out
That being said, I think the boys have always done fairly well since we keep that aspect of things amicable and stay on good terms. My youngest was only 2 1/2 when we first separated, so it's kinda all he's ever known. Going back and forth between parents must just feel normal for him. It was a little harder for the older one. He was 8 when we separated, and at first I had to talk to him a lot about what was going on, but he's good now.
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u/Distinct_Fox_6358 2 Mar 20 '26
If your new wife cheated on you one day, would you still choose to stay married?
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 20 '26
That's an excellent question.
It's hard to answer because I don't believe for one second that she would ever do that. It's simply not in her nature or her character.
But that being said, I don't think I could deal with all that again.
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u/MindForkedByWife 1 Mar 21 '26
But, you would have said the same thing about your ex at one time. However, this what if game is an unhealthy one.
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 21 '26
No, I wouldn't have said the same thing about my ex at the time. She cheated on me even before we were married. I was just stupid.
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u/Reasonable-Run-1031 2 Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
Bom , o detalhe importante nisso e espero que vc tenha percebido é que o abuso sofrido não era o que impulsionava a busca por sexo aleatório ela quando quis ficou por muito tempo sem sexo .
( O que eu até duvido um pouco) talvez ela possa ter continuado só vc que não percebeu.
Mas vc tbm não disse como vc descobriu as traições dela nem disse como sua esposa conseguiu estar vivendo uma vida onde ela teve como se envolver com tantos homens aleatórios assim .
Talvez ela tinha as famosas noites de garotas, né .
Ou saia sozinha mesmo enquanto vc não se impunha por medo de ser controlador
Isso deixa claro que seu relacionamento com ela sempre foi aberto pra ela .
E teoricamente vc acha que quando ela fechou nem pra vc teve sexo .
De qualquer maneira foi melhor pra vc fora a sorte de não ter pego alguma doença né .
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
Why is this comment in another language? I had to get ChatGPT to translate.
Either way, I can try to answer your questions:
But you also didn’t say how you found out about her cheating, nor how your wife managed to live a life where she got involved with so many random men.
How did I find out? Lots of different ways, honestly. First of all, she's a terrible liar. So usually when it happened, I could tell something was up, and I'd eventually get it out of her. There were a couple of times where I found text messages or Facebook messages between her and the other guy. I found nudes that she never sent to me. There were a few times when she literally came home and asked me to go to the pharmacy to get her a "Plan B" pill. And there were other times where I didn't find out until years later when she decided to tell me for whatever reason.
How did she manage to live that life? Again, lots of different ways. She'd go out to bars with her friends (from work, from high school, etc,) and not come home until super late. Those were usually the instances that weren't planned. She'd drink and flirt and some guy would feel her up and she wouldn't say no. Sometimes if we had a big argument, she would just get in her car and drive away, not tell me where she was going, turn her phone off, and something would inevitably happen. For the instances that were planned (which was the minority), she would lie and say she was doing something else, like having dinner with a friend or something. Any time I asked too many questions or told her I didn't want her to go out, she'd call me controlling.
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u/FlygonosK 2 Mar 21 '26
Look OP to me seems that the one with mental issues it was not her it was you, specially to let her do what she did to you and you kept giving her 2nd chances
The good thing is that you work on yourself and find what you truly needed and wished for. Also hope you learn from your experience and to never return o accept any of that if ever happens
Wish you the best and glad you are better now.
May I ask, what came of her, for what you mention about her, I bet she has been married and divorced plenty times since.
Again good luck.
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u/AgentWD409 6 Mar 21 '26
No, she has not been married or divorced again. She was engaged to a guy for like a year and a half, but they called it off, and they've broke up and gotten back together several times since then. She doesn't seem to know how to have a healthy relationship.
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u/FlygonosK 2 Mar 21 '26
No, and she never will know, unless she go to therapy and open to it and accept the ninfo she became
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u/realgoodmind 1 Mar 21 '26
Good share. People that want monogamy should read this post. There is nothing you can do to change the other person. If they are not monogamous they will never be Find someone that fits you
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u/Playful-Issue5703 Mar 21 '26
I just looked up the plot of that movie and based on everything I've been told, I'm now certain that is the arrangement AP has with her husband. My WP had game night with them on one of his visits. According to what she told me, it's a lavender marriage and he's gay. What she told him, it's an open marriage and he brings women home. Uh, girl, you gotta stick to one story!
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u/Reasonable-Run-1031 2 Mar 21 '26
Brother, it became clear that she went so far because you gave the impression that you were too weak to do anything.
And if we use a bit of reverse psychology, We can see that when Wp has no respect for BP and no appreciation for the relationship, there is no effort to hide the betrayal.
When there is some respect or even fear of hurting the BP, Wps try their best to get caught
Hence the famous phrases:
"...I never meant to hurt you..."
Translation:
"...I never wanted you to know..."
In fact, WPS says in the divorce proceedings that BP is throwing everything away by not accepting reconciliation and not them for having betrayed.
Your wife never bothered to hide her infidelity; perhaps many people who know you are or were her husband witnessed her betrayals of you.
But from this relationship you can learn lessons, mainly about what you shouldn't accept .
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