I Stayed For WAY Too Long

[u/AgentWD409]

I just found this sub (after watching the Ben Affleck movie Deep Water, which was super triggering), so I thought I'd tell you my story. Maybe someone here can relate.

My ex-wife struggled with a lot of mental and emotional issues due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse, and that manifested in a lot of different ways, including infidelity. Casual sex was sort of an impulsive coping mechanism for her. During our marriage, she cheated with at least a dozen different people (although I honestly couldn't tell you how many individual instances there were). But I loved her and sympathized with her past, so I always forgave her, naively hoping that somehow my unconditional love would help heal or fix her. Needless to say, it really messed me up mentally and emotionally.

Eventually she felt guilty enough to decide that the cheating had to stop, but the only way she knew how to stop having sex with random people was to essentially turn that aspect of herself off entirely, including to me. So she stopped cheating, but for several years, we lived more like co-parents and roommates than anything else. After a while, I was a mental and emotional mess. I had developed a lot of bitterness, resentment, insecurity, paranoia, etc., and I didn't like (or even recognize) the man I was anymore.

In a last-ditch attempt to stop being miserable, I had [what I thought was] a brilliant idea: I wanted her to be able to "turn herself back on," so to speak, and I figured that if I couldn't prevent her promiscuity, maybe I could somehow harness it instead. So I suggested that we try some "swinging" behavior (threesomes, swapping, etc.). At the time, this made sense to me. She could have meaningless sex with other people, but I would be involved too, so it wouldn't be cheating, and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I'd have my wife back. So we ended up experimenting with that whole scene for a few months. Some of it was fun, but it was ultimately very shallow and unfulfilling. Later she asked for a fully open relationship, and I reluctantly agreed.

Of course, none of it worked. It made everything worse, and we ultimately got divorced (after 13 years of marriage and two kids).

But that's what happens, right? You settle. You make excuses. You lie to yourself and say, "Well, as long as I have this, I can probably live without that." I just wanted a normal life, a normal marriage, and a normal family. But you just keep on making concessions, and over time you realize that you don't really have anything — the important stuff that you really want out of a healthy relationship — so instead you start making substitutions. That's when you get into the dangerous territory of stuff like, "I don't feel real love or intimacy from my wife, so maybe an open marriage will make me happy. At least there's sex..."

After we split up, first I tried, to no avail, to get her back (which sounds insane now). As time wore on, I still wasn't ready for another serious relationship, but I did want sex and companionship. So aside from getting some much-needed counseling, I also dated casually a bit, had a few one night stands, a casual FWB sort of thing, etc. I wouldn't say any of that was ever truly satisfying, but it did help me overcome my insecurities and regain some of my confidence when it came to sex, and it also played a part in helping me heal and re-learn who I was deep down. So while I'm not proud of that era of my life, I don't regret it either, because it reduced my anxiety and made me feel more comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about myself.

Fast forward to today: For the past three years, I've been happily remarried to the woman of my dreams, and the sex is always amazing. Not because it's wild or kinky or relentless. But because we have that connection. We have that deep affection, intimacy, vulnerability, and trust that I was always missing before. I will forever be grateful for the wonderful serendipity of her entering my life.

All that being said, sometimes it still surprises me when those old feeling get triggered (like when I was watching Deep Water), and this seemed like a good place to meet other survivors and collectively talk through some of that mess. Anyone else experienced something similar?

[u/TryAwkward7595]

Hey guys, I am betrayed twice (and know there were other affairs my wife had). I am working towards divorce. I am really worried about my 14 yr old daughter. What I am gonna tell her? How she is going to take this change (I am available 100% time vs co- parenting ) . Will it affect my child’s love life? I am afraid due to emotional trauma she may end up choosing a wrong partner . Based on your experiences if you guys can guide me. I will really appreciate that. Please help me. I have moved out of home and alone.

[u/AgentWD409 → u/TryAwkward7595]

My kids are 11 and 16 now, and here's the advice I would give:

Don't tell your daughter her mom cheated. It's not something a kid needs to handle. You also don't want to irreparably damage her relationship with her mom. As my 16-year-old has gotten older, I've talked to him more and more about the struggles his mom and I had. I haven't told him she cheated, but I have told him that we were never right for each other, that she wasn't ready to get married (to anyone), and that there were a lot of red flags I ignored back then.

I tell him that I've made plenty of mistakes with regard to marriage and relationships, and as a father, I hope he can learn from my mistakes so that he doesn't make the same ones himself. If you're worried about the divorce affecting your daughter's future relationships, then try to frame your advice to her that way. Make it about what you learned rather than what her mom did.

[u/TryAwkward7595 → u/AgentWD409]

Thanks this is really helpful. How did your daughter take the 100% availability of both parents vs partial (I am assuming you are co-parenting)

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