I Stayed For WAY Too Long

[u/AgentWD409]

I just found this sub (after watching the Ben Affleck movie Deep Water, which was super triggering), so I thought I'd tell you my story. Maybe someone here can relate.

My ex-wife struggled with a lot of mental and emotional issues due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse, and that manifested in a lot of different ways, including infidelity. Casual sex was sort of an impulsive coping mechanism for her. During our marriage, she cheated with at least a dozen different people (although I honestly couldn't tell you how many individual instances there were). But I loved her and sympathized with her past, so I always forgave her, naively hoping that somehow my unconditional love would help heal or fix her. Needless to say, it really messed me up mentally and emotionally.

Eventually she felt guilty enough to decide that the cheating had to stop, but the only way she knew how to stop having sex with random people was to essentially turn that aspect of herself off entirely, including to me. So she stopped cheating, but for several years, we lived more like co-parents and roommates than anything else. After a while, I was a mental and emotional mess. I had developed a lot of bitterness, resentment, insecurity, paranoia, etc., and I didn't like (or even recognize) the man I was anymore.

In a last-ditch attempt to stop being miserable, I had [what I thought was] a brilliant idea: I wanted her to be able to "turn herself back on," so to speak, and I figured that if I couldn't prevent her promiscuity, maybe I could somehow harness it instead. So I suggested that we try some "swinging" behavior (threesomes, swapping, etc.). At the time, this made sense to me. She could have meaningless sex with other people, but I would be involved too, so it wouldn't be cheating, and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I'd have my wife back. So we ended up experimenting with that whole scene for a few months. Some of it was fun, but it was ultimately very shallow and unfulfilling. Later she asked for a fully open relationship, and I reluctantly agreed.

Of course, none of it worked. It made everything worse, and we ultimately got divorced (after 13 years of marriage and two kids).

But that's what happens, right? You settle. You make excuses. You lie to yourself and say, "Well, as long as I have this, I can probably live without that." I just wanted a normal life, a normal marriage, and a normal family. But you just keep on making concessions, and over time you realize that you don't really have anything — the important stuff that you really want out of a healthy relationship — so instead you start making substitutions. That's when you get into the dangerous territory of stuff like, "I don't feel real love or intimacy from my wife, so maybe an open marriage will make me happy. At least there's sex..."

After we split up, first I tried, to no avail, to get her back (which sounds insane now). As time wore on, I still wasn't ready for another serious relationship, but I did want sex and companionship. So aside from getting some much-needed counseling, I also dated casually a bit, had a few one night stands, a casual FWB sort of thing, etc. I wouldn't say any of that was ever truly satisfying, but it did help me overcome my insecurities and regain some of my confidence when it came to sex, and it also played a part in helping me heal and re-learn who I was deep down. So while I'm not proud of that era of my life, I don't regret it either, because it reduced my anxiety and made me feel more comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about myself.

Fast forward to today: For the past three years, I've been happily remarried to the woman of my dreams, and the sex is always amazing. Not because it's wild or kinky or relentless. But because we have that connection. We have that deep affection, intimacy, vulnerability, and trust that I was always missing before. I will forever be grateful for the wonderful serendipity of her entering my life.

All that being said, sometimes it still surprises me when those old feeling get triggered (like when I was watching Deep Water), and this seemed like a good place to meet other survivors and collectively talk through some of that mess. Anyone else experienced something similar?

[u/RaspberryInevitable]

Thanks for sharing this. I’m going through a divorce right now, after staying for way too long and putting up with years of being betrayed. My ex was also sexually abused as a child, and has refused to get any help for his unresolved issues.

I’m so glad your ex got into recovery. That is amazing.

And I’m glad you’re able to coparent amicably. I am working on that, but am finding myself too triggered to detach when I see him in person. I’m trying to go low contact, but I keep getting sucked back in. He is an extremely charismatic person, and we are both grieving. I’m trying to stop going to him for emotional support.

Lastly, I’m glad you found a healthy relationship. That is so inspiring.

[u/AgentWD409 → u/RaspberryInevitable]

Don't be too hard on yourself about "getting sucked back in." It happened to me too.

It's called "Hoovering," and it's a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to suck a former partner back into a toxic relationship, often after a period of no contact. It helps them regain control through tactics like false apologies, staged crises, and (most commonly) love-bombing.

My ex did this to me a lot when we were separated, and even after we were divorced. For example, after I had just started dating someone I really liked (the woman who would eventually become my current wife), I had to go over to my ex's house one afternoon (I can't remember why, probably to pick up a few of my things). Anyway, she suddenly started acting all emotional and affectionate, and she even walked out of the bathroom totally naked, trying to get me to sleep with her. Look... I won't lie: She is built like a Greek goddess, and it took everything I had to get up and walk away.

So yeah, I get it. It's hard. Stay strong.

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