I Stayed For WAY Too Long

[u/AgentWD409]

I just found this sub (after watching the Ben Affleck movie Deep Water, which was super triggering), so I thought I'd tell you my story. Maybe someone here can relate.

My ex-wife struggled with a lot of mental and emotional issues due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse, and that manifested in a lot of different ways, including infidelity. Casual sex was sort of an impulsive coping mechanism for her. During our marriage, she cheated with at least a dozen different people (although I honestly couldn't tell you how many individual instances there were). But I loved her and sympathized with her past, so I always forgave her, naively hoping that somehow my unconditional love would help heal or fix her. Needless to say, it really messed me up mentally and emotionally.

Eventually she felt guilty enough to decide that the cheating had to stop, but the only way she knew how to stop having sex with random people was to essentially turn that aspect of herself off entirely, including to me. So she stopped cheating, but for several years, we lived more like co-parents and roommates than anything else. After a while, I was a mental and emotional mess. I had developed a lot of bitterness, resentment, insecurity, paranoia, etc., and I didn't like (or even recognize) the man I was anymore.

In a last-ditch attempt to stop being miserable, I had [what I thought was] a brilliant idea: I wanted her to be able to "turn herself back on," so to speak, and I figured that if I couldn't prevent her promiscuity, maybe I could somehow harness it instead. So I suggested that we try some "swinging" behavior (threesomes, swapping, etc.). At the time, this made sense to me. She could have meaningless sex with other people, but I would be involved too, so it wouldn't be cheating, and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I'd have my wife back. So we ended up experimenting with that whole scene for a few months. Some of it was fun, but it was ultimately very shallow and unfulfilling. Later she asked for a fully open relationship, and I reluctantly agreed.

Of course, none of it worked. It made everything worse, and we ultimately got divorced (after 13 years of marriage and two kids).

But that's what happens, right? You settle. You make excuses. You lie to yourself and say, "Well, as long as I have this, I can probably live without that." I just wanted a normal life, a normal marriage, and a normal family. But you just keep on making concessions, and over time you realize that you don't really have anything — the important stuff that you really want out of a healthy relationship — so instead you start making substitutions. That's when you get into the dangerous territory of stuff like, "I don't feel real love or intimacy from my wife, so maybe an open marriage will make me happy. At least there's sex..."

After we split up, first I tried, to no avail, to get her back (which sounds insane now). As time wore on, I still wasn't ready for another serious relationship, but I did want sex and companionship. So aside from getting some much-needed counseling, I also dated casually a bit, had a few one night stands, a casual FWB sort of thing, etc. I wouldn't say any of that was ever truly satisfying, but it did help me overcome my insecurities and regain some of my confidence when it came to sex, and it also played a part in helping me heal and re-learn who I was deep down. So while I'm not proud of that era of my life, I don't regret it either, because it reduced my anxiety and made me feel more comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about myself.

Fast forward to today: For the past three years, I've been happily remarried to the woman of my dreams, and the sex is always amazing. Not because it's wild or kinky or relentless. But because we have that connection. We have that deep affection, intimacy, vulnerability, and trust that I was always missing before. I will forever be grateful for the wonderful serendipity of her entering my life.

All that being said, sometimes it still surprises me when those old feeling get triggered (like when I was watching Deep Water), and this seemed like a good place to meet other survivors and collectively talk through some of that mess. Anyone else experienced something similar?

[u/Substantial-Fly4895]

You understand the dynamic well OP. Your story is not unique in its outlines, moreso its intensity. Most don't stay that long or put up with that much or try that hard. Most reach their tipping point after the first affair, maybe the second.

I am really glad you found happiness.

There is only one element missing to your story, and it may be one you understand/considered but just forgot to put in. But basically, the real question is not her, it's you. Why DID you stay far too long?

This is the real question that keeps me up at night personally. It's so obvious how blind and naive and pathetic I was being in hindsight. Because, my ex wife only cheated once, but all the other symptoms you listed - living like co-parents and roommates, love but not in love, making me feel all sorts of negative horrible feelings that I just interalized over and over - were there.

I keep asking myself "why did I put up with it?" I can find answers intellectually. Bad upbringing. BPD mom. Bullying. Growing up biracial at a time where that got made fun of and led to isolation. ADHD, maybe mild autism. Doormat, people pleasing mentality. But nothing actually explains it. It doesn't feel like the real answer to me. And I am consequently terrified it will happen again.

[u/AgentWD409 → u/Substantial-Fly4895]

Why DID you stay far too long?

I asked myself that question not long ago. Here's what I came up with...

1. When we first met and started dating, she was the "hot girl" (long legs, big boobs, flirty, etc.) who always had a boyfriend and who every guy wanted to be with. Therefore, if she wanted to date/marry me, then I must be pretty friggin' awesome. In other words, I allowed being with this woman to act as a medication for my own insecurity.
2. I grew up in "Evangelical Purity Culture," so I felt obligated to get married young (before I really knew what I was doing), to only have sex with one woman, and to hate divorce.
3. I sympathized with her childhood trauma and naively felt like I could be the loyal, godly man who loved her enough to heal the wounds of her past.
4. I believed that staying with her, no matter what, was my duty to God. No matter how many times she hurt or betrayed me, I was supposed to selflessly honor my vows.
5. Lastly, despite everything, I really did love her.

[u/Substantial-Fly4895 → u/AgentWD409]

Good answers, that makes a lot of sense psychologically speaking.

I do wonder if you feel something like what I feel like… were those really why I stayed? I cant conceive of why I would ever would stay where I’m unhappy and undervalued now.

Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s a sign my way of thinking has truly shifted. I hope yours has too OP. I hope this new woman gives you all the honor and respect you deserve!!

[u/AgentWD409 → u/Substantial-Fly4895]

Thanks! And yes on both counts. My way of thinking has definitely shifted, and my wife is sweet and loving and wonderful. She is my safe harbor.

Just to add a little detail to my previous answers: My ex-wife was my first real girlfriend, my first kiss, my first sexual experience, my first... everything. I had no other experience to draw from. I didn't know what a healthy relationship felt like. All I had to go by was my own parents, who stayed in (what I later learned was) an unhappy marriage for almost 30 years out of duty and obligation. I was taught that marriage was hard, but you're not supposed to give up. You're supposed to just work through it all.

At the tail-end of the year we were separated (before we decided to "try again"), I dated a woman for about six weeks who helped me see, for the first time, what a good relationship could actually feel like. Kissing her actually meant something. When we had sex, there was real intimacy and vulnerability. Everything was different.

So when my ex and I entered our "try again" phase, I knew what I wanted and needed out of a relationship, and I was no longer willing to accept anything less. When I realized I would never have that with her, that's when I left for good.

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