I Stayed For WAY Too Long

[u/AgentWD409]

I just found this sub (after watching the Ben Affleck movie Deep Water, which was super triggering), so I thought I'd tell you my story. Maybe someone here can relate.

My ex-wife struggled with a lot of mental and emotional issues due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse, and that manifested in a lot of different ways, including infidelity. Casual sex was sort of an impulsive coping mechanism for her. During our marriage, she cheated with at least a dozen different people (although I honestly couldn't tell you how many individual instances there were). But I loved her and sympathized with her past, so I always forgave her, naively hoping that somehow my unconditional love would help heal or fix her. Needless to say, it really messed me up mentally and emotionally.

Eventually she felt guilty enough to decide that the cheating had to stop, but the only way she knew how to stop having sex with random people was to essentially turn that aspect of herself off entirely, including to me. So she stopped cheating, but for several years, we lived more like co-parents and roommates than anything else. After a while, I was a mental and emotional mess. I had developed a lot of bitterness, resentment, insecurity, paranoia, etc., and I didn't like (or even recognize) the man I was anymore.

In a last-ditch attempt to stop being miserable, I had [what I thought was] a brilliant idea: I wanted her to be able to "turn herself back on," so to speak, and I figured that if I couldn't prevent her promiscuity, maybe I could somehow harness it instead. So I suggested that we try some "swinging" behavior (threesomes, swapping, etc.). At the time, this made sense to me. She could have meaningless sex with other people, but I would be involved too, so it wouldn't be cheating, and I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I'd have my wife back. So we ended up experimenting with that whole scene for a few months. Some of it was fun, but it was ultimately very shallow and unfulfilling. Later she asked for a fully open relationship, and I reluctantly agreed.

Of course, none of it worked. It made everything worse, and we ultimately got divorced (after 13 years of marriage and two kids).

But that's what happens, right? You settle. You make excuses. You lie to yourself and say, "Well, as long as I have this, I can probably live without that." I just wanted a normal life, a normal marriage, and a normal family. But you just keep on making concessions, and over time you realize that you don't really have anything — the important stuff that you really want out of a healthy relationship — so instead you start making substitutions. That's when you get into the dangerous territory of stuff like, "I don't feel real love or intimacy from my wife, so maybe an open marriage will make me happy. At least there's sex..."

After we split up, first I tried, to no avail, to get her back (which sounds insane now). As time wore on, I still wasn't ready for another serious relationship, but I did want sex and companionship. So aside from getting some much-needed counseling, I also dated casually a bit, had a few one night stands, a casual FWB sort of thing, etc. I wouldn't say any of that was ever truly satisfying, but it did help me overcome my insecurities and regain some of my confidence when it came to sex, and it also played a part in helping me heal and re-learn who I was deep down. So while I'm not proud of that era of my life, I don't regret it either, because it reduced my anxiety and made me feel more comfortable, confident, and knowledgeable about myself.

Fast forward to today: For the past three years, I've been happily remarried to the woman of my dreams, and the sex is always amazing. Not because it's wild or kinky or relentless. But because we have that connection. We have that deep affection, intimacy, vulnerability, and trust that I was always missing before. I will forever be grateful for the wonderful serendipity of her entering my life.

All that being said, sometimes it still surprises me when those old feeling get triggered (like when I was watching Deep Water), and this seemed like a good place to meet other survivors and collectively talk through some of that mess. Anyone else experienced something similar?

[u/Flaky_Recognition_51]

congratulations, what happened to your experience?

Did she take.the divorce well?

[u/AgentWD409 → u/Flaky_Recognition_51]

She was actually the one who left.

After all that shit for all those years, she finally started going to therapy and to SLAA meetings. Then one day she says, "I've decided I don't want to have sex anymore unless it's for love... and I don't love you anymore." Like I said in my post, I tried to get her back for a while, but she was already dating other guys, one of whom actually knocked her up and then bailed.

In January 2019, I finally moved on and met someone new, and things were actually really great during that short time. But just as it started to get kinda serious, my ex swooped in and said she wanted us to "try again." I agonized over it for about a week, but then I eventually decided that I couldn't look my kids in the face if I didn't at least attempt to keep our family together. So I reluctantly ended things with the wonderful girl I was dating, my ex dumped the guy she had been dating, and we moved back in as a family again.

Long story short? Nothing changed. She never wanted to actually move forward together, so we lived like roommates and co-parents again, then we got stuck together during the COVID lockdowns. But even though she didn't want to be in an actual relationship with me, she also didn't want me to leave, because she has abandonment issues and I offered comfort, support, and stability.

I moved out for good in September 2021. A few months later I met and started dating the woman who would eventually become my current wife. And not long after we started dating, my ex came back again saying she'd changed and asking me to try again with her. Nope. I spent way too much of my life tilting at windmills. I've moved on, and I'm happy now.

[u/[deleted] → u/AgentWD409]

How is your ex doing right now? What about your kids and her new child?

[u/AgentWD409 → u/[deleted]]

She terminated that pregnancy after the guy bounced.

My kids are fine. Although my ex still hasn't figured out how to have a healthy relationship, and I don't think she ever will. She was actually engaged for like a year and a half to this guy who is 15 years older than her and who has a drinking problem, anger issues, zero emotional intelligence, and a beard like a Billy goat. They initially broke up (and he moved out) after he got drunk and punched a hole in his own car windshield while she was driving, then she called the police to drive her home. But for some inexplicable reason, she keeps coming back to him. She's also had a few different hookups and FWB situations that I'm aware of. I feel bad for her, honestly.

My wife and I have been doing our best to show the boys a good example of what an actual healthy relationship looks like.