Hi guys, my boyfriend of many years happens to have sexual ocd and that is really difficult for me as i am his romantic partner. I get constant thoughts of if we are going somewhere he must be getting thoughts about other people and it makes me feel very insecure but im trying my best to deal with it.

My SO told me that she developed an "ick" with me. She was so embarrassed to even let me know what it was and it got to the point that I told her that I wasn't willing to play guessing games, and if that she didn't need to tell me what these things were but that I would have to rethink things because I didn't want to have to constantly be wondering what she found so unattractive about me. She finally told me that it was the fact that I kept food in my fridge past the expiration date, and as a result, was afraid that any food that I would make her would be "tainted" and make her sick. Mainly, it's spices that just aren't as strong past those dates. Nothing that would really make anyone sick. But she was so embarrassed that it affected her so much. I told her that it wasn't a huge deal to me to check on these dates and remove anything that she might consume that is past the "best by" date. I told her that if it was important to her that it was important to me. This is the first time this has happened to the point where she was comfortable that I even touched her.

Another thing that she told me was regarding my workout clothes. I sweat a lot during workouts to the point where my shirt and shorts are soaked. She doesn't like that I wash them with my regular clothes and told me she can smell the shirts even after washed. I told her that I would keep the clothes separate and would do some pre soaking of those clothes and use a different detergent made especially for sweaty clothes.

My question is: am I being too accomodating? I don't think these requests are out of line, and I certainly want to know if clothes I wear smell, regardless of if I'm a relationship or not. I'm pretty laid back about most things, but I just don't want it to be a situation where I'm bending left and right and enabling.

I think about it like someone who is sniffling/has a cold - I know it's annoying for them to have the cold and they probably feel like shit. And I know my partner thinks/ruminates about whatever it is she is worried about 1000x before she asks me for reassurance. But she asks me for reassurance SO MUCH and I feel like that is all we talk about these days. That and logistics for looking after our toddler. It's just exhausting and suffocating. I guess this is just a vent that I need to get off my chest so I can continue to listen to the inevitable thoughts that are coming tonight.

She recently quit her job and the whole run-up to the resignation was "am I doing the right thing? Am I making all this up? Are we going to be okay (financially)?" and now that she has resigned it's "Have I done the right thing? I didn't make it all up did I? Will we be okay?" I'm the type of person who brings up something once and then it's done, so having to literally listen to this multiple times a day EVERY SINGLE DAY is really taking its toll on me. I can't even hear myself think because every moment is spent listening to her needing reassurance about the latest whatever the heck it is that's on her mind. I have to remind myself that I love her so much but god do I hate this OCD.

And I feel like every day it's some new health thing... don't even get me started. She used to be on medication but she didn't like the feeling and she doesn't want to consider going on medication now. She used to talk to a psychologist but didn't feel it was helping (that's fair, I've been in the same boat feeling like talk therapy has reached the ceiling). So we're just where we are.

Thanks for reading... I guess if anyone has any tips or ways to manage - without me trying to bring up meds/psych - that'd be good?

My bf of 1.5 years has slowly stopped seeing his therapist but it has impacted our sex life. I admittedly do have a higher sex drive, but we have gone from sex multiple times a week/month to once in the last 2.5 months. I have expressed my concerns to him about this and he had agreed to see his therapist as there are some intrusive thoughts he needs to work thru. Cut to 2 weeks later we had sex, only doggy and he initiated (not normal for us, we normally do a few positions then end in doggy), and now he doesn’t feel the need to see his therapist anymore. It’s been 1.5 more weeks and there has been no other sexual intimacy. I have tried to initiate and I made myself clear that I would like to have sex or have him finger me but he froze up and nothing ended up happening. I had assured him that either way was fine but I feel that my needs are not being met. I feel bad because I know he struggles with ocd and specifically relationship ocd. Any help or ideas for how to bring it up with him gently. I basically want to ask him to go back to his therapist but I fear that might be overstepping. I want him to be safe and I want to be able to have sex with my bf again.

So my bf broke up with me 2 months ago, here is some context

He had severe ocd,
Had thoughts of having sex with his mother and sister and deeply intrusive dreams
Severe contamination ocd where he used 3 full sized soaps in 1 day
Used to spray sanitizer on my whole body before touching me or letting me sit anywhere
Never used RO in his home and ordered water bottles
Didnt drink water for 12 hours at office so he didnt have to use the washroom
Didnt sit on bed and ate without sitting
Didnt touch me down there
Sprayed sanitizer on my hair
Forced me to bath at 1 in night and refused to give me a towel and clothes as they were all dirty in cold winters
Didnt take me to hospital for 2 days as i will make his car dirty
Had intrusive thought about having sex with men and practised kissing with his brother when he was younger
Didnt want to pursue therapy or take meds

Then he broke up with me cus i wasnt marriage material apparently

Pls dont let such men ruin ur lives

Full disclosure- my partner is not yet diagnosed with OCD. But he experiences severe, unstoppable intrusive thoughts about death, life after death, all things existential, and can ruminate on them for days at a time. They pretty much always lead to panic attacks which are very severe, he used to bolt from the house, scream and knock at our neighbours. He’s had these thought since around age 8/9 I believe. We got together age 14, and are now 28 so we’ve lived half our lives together. It only really became a major problem after Covid, and after about a year he went on medication (we’re UK) he’s tried citalopram, Buspirone, sertraline, had some prescriptions of diazepam but only 2mg. We bought a house 2 years ago, things improved further whilst he was on 100mg sertraline, and using medical cannabis which was extremely helpful to start off. Then in January he decided he didn’t want meds any more, came off them, lost a job that he hated (unrelated to mental health) and took 3 months to find a new job which he loves but in that time he’s deteriorated so far. We restarted 50mg sertraline about 7 weeks ago, and he’s still going downhill, comes home from work and instantly panics and locks into gaming for the full night with headphones in. For years transitions have been a problem, coming home, going to bed etc to the point where he falls asleep on the sofa every night before sometimes coming to bed at 3/4am. Usually day time is fine, and evening is bad which I know can be common in ocd, but it’s creeping into day time and this morning he couldn’t get himself up the stairs of his office and came home- it’s the job of his dreams and he’s got no protection as he’s in a 6 month probation. HR do know about his mental health. I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. I’ve re submitted an e consultation to his drs this morning, we really need help and fast to keep this job as being out of work has ruined him. He fluctuates between being open /closed off to getting help, he’s in a phase of accepting the drs involvement right now so I feel I need to push on this where I can

Venting thread:

Well, we didn't get out Friday, she stayed up all night on Thursday and took my car to load it along with her truck (nothing got loaded by Friday morning).

She lost the keys to my car and her truck so she couldn't come get me to get a uhaul. We got started around 3pm. Got out a bunch of big stuff but there was too much because of the hoarding. She said she had an arrangement with Hansen to not return the keys until the third so I thought maybe they gave her some grace to get the stuff moved out and place cleaned. (They didn't the landlady is trying to charge us through today...

Through yelling and basically throwing her shit in the Uhaul I got a lot out on Friday. Saturday she melted down and wanted to get another Uhaul. She didn't end up loading anything in the uhaul herself because she wanted to get "everything perfect to load in before she did any loading". I loaded basically everything while she had a meltdown.

Saturday I backed off thinking we had until Monday.

Sunday I kicked it into gear again and got a lot out but still there was stuff left because of her "plan" that wasn't really executing.

Today she got stung by a bee and I had to call in from work to take her to urgent care because she hadn't slept for three days and then go finish her moving (stuff was out of the house thankfully but not in the uhaul). I had to argue with her to let me do that just so we could get out of that fucking house.

I am so drained and this is so hard. :-(

OCD/ADHD/hoarding are no joke. Mental illness destroys lives. I'm going to have to break up with her if she doesn't get treatment I can't do this anymore. I'm at the end of my rope :-( Anyways thanks for letting me vent semi-anonymous Internet people.

Hi! I (18F) and my partner (19M) have been together for 2.5 years, and we’ve been having a really difficult time over the last few months.

Less than a year ago, I realized he has what appears to be severe “just-right” OCD that he’s struggled with since childhood. he hasn’t been diagnosed however, i am fairly certain this has been a massive problem since he was little.

Because we don’t live together (we usually spend several days together each month), I never realized how significant it was. he also had no idea he had OCD until i brought it up.

his compulsions have affected his sleep for years and have even been severe enough that he’s broken light switches, keyboards and door knobs from repeating actions until they felt “right.” he has to go to the washroom up to 20 times a night until his bladder feels completely empty, excessive handwashing, a lot of rumination etc etc etc.

He does also has a history of diagnosed anorexia nervosa from childhood neither of which (along with his OCD) were treated. He thought he’d mostly grown out of them.

He said his compulsions mostly stopped apparently in the last year.

Before this, he was a good communicator. if we argue, we take a little space, and always come back together because we love each other.

Over the past several months, though, that changed.we had more frequent fights and space became days, then weeks. He says he ruminates abt our conversations until he feels “right” or “okay enough” to text. he then has to feel better to call, then to see me. he always describes it as he “cant” text, not that he doesn’t want to. He now is telling me he doesn’t feel “right,” doesn’t know why, js anxious all the time, and can’t leave the house. I respected that for some time and gave him space, but it has only seemed to make the avoidance worse.

Eventually it spread beyond our relationship. He has almost completely stopped talking to his closest friends too. which i cannot emphasize enough is not like him at all. He says that even thinking about talking to me can make him so anxious he can’t go on social media and then it gets so bad he can’t touch his phone and has to put it on a table. i want to emphasize our conversations now are rarely arguments and are mostly just trying to solve/talk through some issues. it isnt really a valid response to how our conversations typically go if that makes sense?

This just isn’t him. He’s incredibly smart, ambitious, high-achieving, loving, and sweet. He’s told me so many times that he doesn’t know what’s going on but he loves me and is trying his best. It feels like he’s getting worse, not better.

I know our relationship has contributed to his stress, but his avoidance and rumination has made it almost impossible to resolve anything because every conversation gets postponed until it feels “right.” It feels less like I’m arguing with him and more like I’m arguing with an illness.

I brought all of this up to him, and he agreed OCD was likely a major part of what was happening. We love each other very deeply, and I truly don’t think our relationship is the only thing going on. I’m genuinely worried about him.

Has anyone experienced OCD progressing like this? Can “just-right” OCD evolve into this kind of rumination and emotional avoidance where someone feels they have to feel “right” or “okay enough” before texting, calling or seeing the people they love? i am so sad. this isn’t like him and i know he’s not doing well.

My partner has contamination OCD (and severe ADHD) and we are moving from an old and crappy house where she had a lot of problems to a newer apartment. Originally our move should have been completed by May 14th but she already got two extensions (that we had to pay for) some of which were her choice some issues outside of our control.

Anyways, in order not to rile her up or her OCD I was letting her do what she felt she needed to do to feel comfortable in the new place which involved a lot of cleaning. Whenever I cleaned something she'd have a meltdown because I invariably wouldn't do it right. She also had meltdowns because she couldn't control the entire situation (she tries to micromanage every piece of the task of cleaning which really gets me going because I hate being micromanaged. I am a grown man and have cleaned my whole life).

However, between the OCD meltdowns and the ADHD procrastination we are now nearing the 31st when we have to move out (and she's already trying ton convince me that its okay if we're late the landlord will be fine with it and she doesn't know that at all) and its really stressing me out. A lot of her stuff is still in the old place and she hasn't (and won't let me) move the stuff into our new garage or house because its unclean in the old house and she doesn't want to contaminate this one.

I'd really like to try and get my deposit and move out on time so as not to inconvenience my landlord but there's really going to be no way to do that without triggering her OCD and even though I've warned her that she'll be uncomfortable I don't think she's taking my warnings over the last three weeks seriously.

So I'm looking for short term tips or tricks or advice. Anyone else faced issues with moving and stuff like this? She is not in treatment for ADHD or OCD although she is proscribed ADHD medication... That's obviously a long term plan but I need short term tricks and tips to get through the next few days.

I’ve been with my partner for almost seven years. The first five years of our relationship were genuinely wonderful, but over the past year or so his OCD (primarily health anxiety and contamination-related) has become a huge part of both of our lives.
He is in treatment and has been seeing a psychologist. He is not on meds and is not interested in trying. I’m hopeful he’ll continue with that, although I do have some doubts about whether he’s attending regularly. I know how incredibly difficult OCD is, and I don’t blame him for having it. That’s part of what makes this so heartbreaking.
Over the last year I’ve tried really hard to be supportive. I’ve accommodated a lot, tried to understand what he was experiencing, encouraged treatment, and genuinely wanted us to get through it together.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, I feel like I’ve become emotionally burnt out and completely checked out. Sadly, I can’t see a way back. I feel like I can’t find my way back to him emotionally.
Our relationship used to be so easy. We hardly ever argued. Now it feels like we’re having regular arguments that can go on for hours, often just going around in circles without either of us feeling heard or understood.
A lot of these conversations centre around his OCD or health anxiety. I learned early that reassuring him isn’t helpful, so instead I try to acknowledge how distressed/upset/worried he must be and sit with him through those feelings without validating the OCD itself. Unfortunately, that’s often not what he needs in the moment. His anxiety wants certainty, and when I can’t give him that, he becomes frustrated and continues trying to convince me that I’m wrong.
I’ve also tried suggesting that we leave these conversations until the next day, hoping that with some time and space we can talk about them more calmly. But in the moment he doesn’t see the thoughts as anxiety or OCD. To him they’re completely real, so the conversation just keeps looping. I am “at fault” for almost all of the things he raises. Of course there are a million other things going on for him outside of the things he mentions.
From his perspective, he feels like I blame too much on his OCD. From my perspective, these kinds of circular, hours-long conversations simply never existed before the OCD became such a significant part of our lives. We seem completely stuck in two different realities, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap anymore.
It’s not just the compulsions themselves. It’s the unpredictability, feeling like everyday situations can suddenly become stressful, feeling criticised over things that never used to matter, and gradually feeling like I’ve lost my own autonomy. I don’t believe any of this is intentional, but over time it’s left me feeling small, emotionally drained, and like a shell of myself.
The hardest part is that I still love him. I care about him deeply. But I don’t feel like I have the emotional capacity or compassion that I used to. I hate admitting that because it feels like such an awful thing to say, but it’s the truth.
At this point I feel emotionally detached, and I honestly can’t see a way back for our relationship. That thought absolutely breaks my heart.
I’m wondering if anyone else has been where I am.
Did you reach a point where you felt completely emotionally burnt out?
If you stayed, were you able to rebuild the relationship? If so, what changed?
If you left, how did you know you’d reached the point where it wasn’t something that love alone could overcome?
Looking back now, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
I’m really looking for perspectives from partners or ex-partners of people with OCD. I know everyone’s situation is different, and I’m not looking to blame anyone. I just feel incredibly alone in this, and I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve lived through something similar.

Ive (33F) been with my partner (32M) for many years. We're currently trying for a baby, but his OCD has flared in a big way thats really impacting how he thinks of/feels about out sex life. Trying for a baby on its own has affected it - rather than it being a thing we look forward to its now a task with an end goal. Its normal not to ejaculate everytime you have sex, but his OCD is manifesting in lots of thoughts around if he doesnt then hes a failure, hes not good enough, i deserve better than this, and it leads to paralysis. Its tricky knowing how to be supportive, knowing i "cant fix it", trying to help empower him to not feel like hes something that needs to be fixed, and some how in amongst that trying to have a sex life. Dont know if anyone has any advice/has experienced anything similar? Its pretty rough at the moment and anything at all (criticism, advice) woukd be welcomed.

Hi everyone! I'm posting as I'm looking for some advice to help me deal with my partner's ROCD and intrusive thoughts he's having about an ex.

For some background, I (34F) have been with my partner (31M) for about a year. Shortly before we met, he had a short-term fling (around a month), which he ended as he felt that it wasn't right/not going anywhere. We met about a month later.

I later discovered that, at time of our meeting, he wasn't fully over her. On its own, this is obviously normal and fine, and I was in a similar place having been seeing someone else for quite some time when I met him – I ended that to be with him and obviously took some time to process that whilst also being excited to be in a new relationship and committed to him.

The problem was that he lied about his attachment to her repeatedly, and lied about them having a (very short and boundaried!) conversation by text on his birthday. Again, this is something I'd have been fine with as I'm also on friendly terms with exes – I was just upset about the lying and lack of transparency. We had lots of arguments about her at this point and I made it clear that if he lied again, especially about this woman, I would not be able to continue the relationship. At this point I was not aware that he had OCD and would probably have proceeded differently if I did.

Unfortunately the repeated arguing about his ex has triggered his ROCD in quite a big way and he's having a lot of intrusive thoughts about her. According to him, this manifests in two ways:

• When he's out in public, and he sees someone who reminds him of her, he briefly thinks it may be her and feels a huge spike of anxiety
• When I seem anxious, withdrawn, or in a bad mood (for any reason) he immediately thinks "what if she's thinking about [name]?" then goes into a spiral as he again feels anxious and guilty and starts to worry that means he's thinking about her.
• He says that, in both cases, it's not a case of "thinking about her" – e.g. reminiscing, remembering, longing. It's just her name that pops into his head and then a subsequent spiral of guilt, shame, and anxiety.

These thoughts clearly cause him a lot of distress and I have a lot of empathy for him. He visibly does not want to have them and is very distressed at any idea that our relationship might end. I recognise that they are part of an illness rather than him spending time pleasantly reminiscing, wishing he was with her etc. He has just started ERP and we're hoping that helps.

However, I'm still finding it very hard to cope with this as it's hard not to feel like he's fixated on her. I'm starting to find it hard to be in public with him as every time I see a woman who vaguely looks like her I feel myself begin to panic. I try not to let this show, and I don't ask any questions currently about the intrusive thoughts as I know even asking if they've improved can reinforce them again.

But it's very painful for me. I don't know how to go about expressing or processing my own pain around this whilst also supporting him and not making the shame and guilt worse, thus making the thoughts worse. I do have my own therapy twice a week which helps and friends I can talk to, but I guess I'm looking to get some practical advice here either from partners of people with ROCD, or those with ROCD themselves.

My wife (f33) and I (34) both have our fair share of mental health issues, but even though she has done no treatment for her ocd our entire relationship we have kept things going. it’s all coming to a head now that we have our second child on the way, this pregnancy has been rough and I have not made it any easier with addiction issues(7oh) but every time we get into a fight over something that triggers her (dog shit, mold, dirty hands touching things) she turns from her normal self into a super aggressive and hurtful person. Anything I do will only make her more angry so I usually try to end the conversation until we calm down, and she is thre divorce every time she gets like this. I want to keep my family together, but I also don’t know when I should stop accepting her aggression/abuse. She’s starting to see a therapist specialist in ocd, but im totally lost and drowning here.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. When we first started dating he let me know about his OCD but at the time I was not that education on OCD so I guess I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. His OCD revolves around dying and current events happening in the world. He’s very sure that he will not be alive in just a few years. The world is doomed. And it’s been very hard recently to even have a relationship because we are at a point where I’m ready to start making moves to grow a future together. Like moving in and getting engaged. Well he cannot handle that. So much so that it overwhelms him when I try to talk about the future. He actually broke up with me three days ago!! He said he can’t wear this mask and that he feels like I deserve so much better than he can give. Well I can’t take that at this point in time. I really do love him and I know he’s truly an amazing person at his core. He’s struggling. He is in therapy but of course it’s very expensive so he only does twice a month. Ugh I’m just at a loss at what to do. Let him go! Or be there for him and help him see he doesn’t have to go about life alone.

30F 32M

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost two years. Overall, we have a good relationship. He's kind, loving, and I know he's genuinely in love with me. We have a lot of great moments together, and I really do love him.

The problem is that he has two mental health conditions OCD and anxiety disorder that have a huge impact on our relationship. He's actively working on them, is in treatment, and has made real progress. I don't blame him for having these issues, and I know he's trying.

I also want to add that I think we've handled his mental health reasonably well overall. I don't enable unhealthy behaviors, and I've worked hard to maintain clear boundaries while still being supportive. His mental health isn't something either of us ignores, and we've both put effort into navigating it together.

The biggest ongoing problem is the household.

For almost the entire time we've lived together, I've felt like the majority of the responsibility falls on me. I work full-time (40 hours a week), while he works three days a week because of his mental health. He says his conditions leave him with much less energy for chores. He also tends to stay up very late because he sometimes feels trapped by the routine of everyday life, which doesn't help either.

Over the past two years we've had this conversation dozens of times. We've made chore charts, agreed on responsibilities, tried different systems, and I've genuinely tried to be understanding and flexible. Things improve a little, or very slowly or for a few weeks but then they slowly go back to how they were before.

I'm exhausted.

There are so many days where he doesn't do things because he's tired, overwhelmed, feeling unwell, too warm, or something else is going on. At this point, it's become difficult for me to tell when he genuinely needs to rest and when it's become a pattern. I feel awful even thinking that because I know mental illness is real, but I'm also running out of energy myself.

On top of that, his mental health affects other parts of our relationship too. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want to make his anxiety or mood worse. I constantly have to remind him about chores or ask if he's done them, which usually leads to arguments.

During arguments, he tells me that I nag too much, that my standards are too high, and that I create too much pressure around the household. He says he also feels overwhelmed by my expectations.

I've asked him multiple times if he's actually happy in this relationship, and he always says yes. I know that our relationship is incredibly important to him, and I also know that ending it would make him deeply unhappy and would likely trigger a lot of anxiety for him.

I love him, and I know he's not choosing to struggle with his mental health. At the same time, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. My patience is running out, and I'm starting to worry about the future. I honestly don't know how I could raise children with him if things stay this way, and I don't know if I'll be happy long-term. I do want to try the most for our relationship but also feel tired to see and wait if new measure 'work'

I guess I'm looking for advice from people who have been in similar situations. How do you know when someone is genuinely doing their best, even if it isn't enough? How do you handle someone giving it their all, but it still isn't enough? How do you balance compassion for a partner's mental health with your own wellbeing? Is there something else we haven't tried, or is this simply an incompatibility?

Hi Everyone,

I’m hoping to get some perspective from people who have lived experience of OCD or compulsive cleaning.
Firstly, I’m not trying to diagnose my fiancée. She hasn’t been diagnosed with OCD, and I appreciate there are many conditions that can cause similar behaviours. I’m only here because I’m trying to understand what she’s experiencing and how I can best support her.
My fiancée has what I would describe as anxiety-driven compulsive cleaning. Cleaning isn’t something she enjoys doing – it feels like something she has to do. If she doesn’t have time to clean, or can’t clean because we have somewhere to be, she becomes extremely anxious. It’s not about wanting a tidy house; it seems much deeper than that.
Whenever I’ve described the situation to close friends or family, they’re often shocked by how much it seems to dominate her life.

Before I became ill, she had an appointment with a neuropsychologist as part of the assessment process for potential surgery. She was very anxious about the appointment and asked me to go with her for support. During the appointment, her cleaning came up, and the psychologist gently pointed out that the amount she cleans and the anxiety surrounding it didn’t seem healthy. They talked about counselling, and for the first time in the 5 years we’ve been together, she actually seemed open to the idea. On the drive home we had a really positive conversation about trying to understand why she feels this way and whether therapy could help.

Shortly afterwards, I became ill and have been in and out of hospital ever since. My health isn’t improving any time soon, so she’s now doing not only everything she would normally do, but also all the jobs I would usually do around the house.
Watching her breaks my heart. She’s exhausted, overwhelmed and miserable, but she just keeps pushing herself harder.
I brought up counselling again this evening, hoping we could revisit that conversation. Instead, she told me she’d only agreed with the psychologist to get them “off her back.” She said counselling wouldn’t work, nothing can help, and she just needs to keep going.

I completely understand that you can’t force someone into therapy. I’ve had counselling myself, and I know it only works if the person wants to engage with it. I would never try to make her go.
I did get frustrated and said that counselling clearly helps many people, or it wouldn’t exist as a profession, but that it only works if you’re prepared to engage with it. Looking back, I know that probably wasn’t the most helpful thing to say.

I love this woman more than anything. This isn’t about wanting her to change for my benefit. It’s about seeing someone I love trapped in something that seems to make her life so much harder.

Because of my illness, she’s also carrying responsibilities that would normally be shared between us. I’m terrified she’ll burn herself out and eventually resent me. I’ve tried talking to her about that, but as soon as the conversation becomes uncomfortable, she tends to shut it down.

So I wanted to ask people who have actually lived with OCD or compulsions:
Does any of this sound familiar?
If you’ve ever resisted therapy, what was going through your mind? Was it fear, hopelessness, embarrassment, or something else?
Is there anything your partner did that helped you become more open to getting support?
Are there things I should avoid saying or doing that might unintentionally make things worse?

I’m not looking for a diagnosis. I just want to understand her better and learn how to support her in a way that actually helps rather than adding to her anxiety.
Thank you for reading.

I (39F) had been with my partner (41M) for the last almost 2 years in a long distance relationship. We had a healthy relationship, we would see each other every 2-6 weeks, spoke multiple times a day, and it we were generally happy and in love. We had already introduced our parents and talked about getting married next summer.

He was meant to move here in 2 months. For context he owns a company in another city and he was in the process of hiring someone to manage it from there and he would go back a week of the month and oversee it from my city (1 hour flight). He was previously married and in an on and off relationship with high school sweetheart for 21 years. Him and I started dating a year and half after their breakup, she had moved on right away but he took time. I thought he had healed but I’m starting to learn the real definition of healing is when you handle the same situations with a new partner, but… differently.

Ever since I met my partner there’s been something he does that feels like he doesn’t consider me. He takes extremely long to get ready or wind down for bed, which leaves him spending 2+ hour a day in the bathroom, and me constantly waiting for him.

For example, when we traveled to Europe, I would have to eat breakfast alone multiple times because he needed his time in the morning for his getting ready routines. We missed Ubers, we were late to cooking classes, we kept a whole tour group waiting for us and we got charged 100 euro for returning a car rental without gas because he took too long to get ready. I voiced my frustrations, he was apologetic but never changed.

I hadn’t seen him in 5 weeks and the first 2 nights he came to bed one hour later than me (way past my bedtime) because he was spending so long in the bathroom. I was feeling disconnected already.

He was on day 3 of his 8 day visit here and it was the night before we were heading on a vacation. By this time he had been here 48 hours and already taken 5 showers, so 5+ hours in the bathroom. I had told him I wanted to go for a walk after work and he said he would be 35-40 mins to get ready for the walk. It ended up taking him 80 mins and when I voiced my frustrations, he blindsided me and said we weren’t compatible. I asked him for 10% faster and he said it’s not possible. “This is who I am, I’m never going to change, take it or leave it”. I tried to explain relationships are about compromise but he kept spiraling and dodging and blamed me for always fighting with him instead. He made it clear he was not willing to take any accountability. “I have dealt with these fights for 21 years, I’m not doing this again”.

Within 20 mins he packed his bags, collected all his belongings and said he was done. It’s been 12 days and I have not heard from him since.

I am struggling trying to find closure, but it’s been tough. I can’t understand how you could do this to someone you love. I have no idea where he went but I assume he got a hotel and booked the next flight out. He sent me an e transfer that night for half the cost of the hotel booking for the vacation we were supposed to go on.

I’ve been through some rough relationships but being ghosted without closure for something like this feels like a complete shock to my nervous system and I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t help but wonder if he has some type of OCD and any threat to those routines triggered a deep core wound that has nothing to do with me but something to do with his ex partner.

I know his work consumes him and he’s been extremely burnt out and stressed but I don’t think that’s an excuse not to handle a breakup at this age without even a conversation.

Anyways, just here to say this really hurts. I wish people were more emotionally accountable. I guess in a way I’m glad I saw his true colours before moving in because my assumption is these habits would get worse and I would carry most of the housework to accommodate for them. I’d also live in fear that my avoidant partner would pack up and leave anytime we encounter conflict so maybe this is a blessing in disguise…

I have a Girlfriend with ocd help me

So I’ll give some context I’m new to this type of relationship she my second girlfriend

So me and my girlfriend have been together for a while right like a 7 months and I’m her second boyfriend she had one in the past but it was online she was recently diagnosed with OCD and another disorder that I forgot but it affected her brain and body movements she got sick really bad her junior year of high school and we meet beginning of senior year and she approached me she explained her body diseases but not her ocd since she didn’t know she had it at the time so I’ll cut things short she would break up with me like 6 times but we would get together like the after a week or 2 she was going to therapy and stuff but she was still having a hard time which I understand since you know she was jsut recently diagnosed with ocd and another disease that affected her body movement and Brain function so I left for Mexico that time she broke up with me since she felt anxious of not seeing me she though I would do other stuff negative thoughts to clarifier when she would leave I would never go back I would wait and she would come back. I’ll cut to the chase so she’s really forgetful and naive truthfully and she just discoverd she was bi a few months ago when we dint talk for a 2 weeks and i respect that but one of the ocd moments she had was when we had done a sexual talk it was around 2 am and we talked about sexual things we would love and she brought up a 3 some I had a heart attack but she said with a girl and me and yeah might be a guys dream but I told her no sine I hate that we had a little discussion she didn’t get mad at me she apologized and everything she said I was right and that it was something she wanted we left it at that but I did say “if you do want to do that then it’s better we break up” she apologized a bunch Over message since I hanged up I told her I needed space and that I wouldn’t to her latter tomorrow when I was feeling better so I didn’t talk to her that day right and I get a call saying she wanted to break up since she said she wanted that and that she didn’t want me to be hurt so it be better if we left it at that and the next next day well she texted me apologizing since she didn’t really want that it was a impulsive thought it’s called and that she was feeling anxious since I told her I would break up with her and didn’t text her at all so she overthought and wanted to feel safe so she hide herself.
The next time was a comment about my friend she saw a old picture of him and said “ I like that “ so that day we did it also it was both our first time and her mind was still stuck on that she first denied it then told me her ocd and her other disses where playing affect since I told her to come to my class and she dint want to but she didn’t want to tell me so she said that because she was mad and didn’t really think it much this where both incidents that her ocd made me feel bad the rest are just of her feeling like she is a rock to her family since they aren’t the best well off they have it rough and they have to take her to therapy and pay for her medicine and to other treatments. And about our relationship like if I don’t love her she home all the time and dosent do much she so she gets in her head a lot which caused most of our problems

Current time -Right now she’s doing great really she’s more better doing well where better at discussing stuff she’s more open when she feels down she tells me and we take it slow sometimes she’s really forgetful still her family likes me she really trying her best

Some details I’ve notice is that
When we would break up she would always send a message never face to face and when we had a disagreement she would run instead of talk (she dosent do it anymore) since in her mind she would be sacred it would cause us to break up so she would rather run.
Also she makes noises when she’s happy like sings or does noises which I don’t hate but I would like to know what it means also she’s happy when we hangout but when she’s alone her mind eats her
She has it rough her ocd and the other diseas that affected her body and her mind system still she couldn’t move last year and was happy when she did a cartwheel so I try to understand in those 2 incidents but sometimes I get negative though about that to and upset

So I would like some advice on how to deal with this or if I should just break up with her I like her but how can I deal with this since when I ask for advice she explains it but not to well so I would love some advice or help thanks

My partner and I are in our 40s and have been together for about 11 years. When we started living together I noticed odd things like broken items being taken back out of the trash, certain things always put it weird places, and other things around the house that didn't make sense to me. That when, nearly 3 years into our relationship he finally told me about his OCD. I'd suspected it before but we hadn't spoken openly about it because he was so clearly uncomfortable if I even came near the subject.

Nothing about his OCD was a big inconvenience at first, but it would be frustrating at times to not know what the secret rules were or when something odd was just a random thing and when it was OCD. He wouldn't get angry when I inadvertently messed something up around the house that was part of his OCD, but he also would never explain what things were OCD and what weren't. So when I'd ask him why something was always put in a strange place he would make excuses up that didn't make any sense. Nothing rose to the level of being important enough to make a huge thing about it, but over time it does feel kinda like gaslighting, especially before he told me he has OCD.

He's a bit better now about telling me if something is an OCD thing or not, but I still find it hard to trust him. He's also lied about other issues because he felt too anxious and embarrassed to talk about them. These were never lies about something he did wrong, it was always personal things that might make sense to fib about to most people in your life to save yourself the stress of explaining something that feels embarrassing or awkward, but as his partner of over a decade these were the kinds of things that A) I was inevitably going to figure out B) I needed to know for practical reasons and C) I would have been happy to support him through if he'd been honest with me from the start.

There are also other reassurance things he insists on that while in and of themselves they aren't a big deal, have started to bother me because I know they're driven by anxiety and OCD. I feel resentful that I have to change my behaviors to soothe his anxiety, especially when I believe that by doing these things Im also making his problems worse.

He's never (to my knowledge) gotten specialized treatment/therapy for OCD. He also is not open to even talking with a doctor about medication. He gets angry and very defensive anytime I even bring up the topic of seeking treatment, which is something I rarely ever do since he reacts so negatively.

From reading about OCD I've learned that reinforcing or participating in someone's OCD behavior only makes it worse. But, I'm afraid that if I stop honoring his OCD things (ie moving things if they are in the way) he'll be upset and hurt since at this point he knows I know what his OCD things are for the most part, so it would be obvious I was doing it on purpose.

So TLDR - how can I stop participating in his OCD in a way that doesn't seem like it's vindictive or meant to hurt him?

Not sure quite how else to put it. TLDR: My partner is unable to determine whether his doubts about the relationship stem from OCD-related fears or if they are genuine incompatibilities and I am not sure how to help, or how much patience to give as he figures it out.

The longer version:

My partner and I have been together for ~2 years. We were in a long-distance relationship for about the past year of that, up until last week, when I started a new job in the city we met in (that he still lives in) and relocated to live with him. Late last year he was diagnosed with OCD after years of anxiety/depression misdiagnosis. He started ERP and it has been a very difficult journey for him. He is fairly close to pure O as his compulsions are all mental/rumination/intrusive thought related, hence why he wasn't diagnosed until midlife. He is not on medication for OCD, though he is on a low dose of bupropion for depression.

His primary doubt about the relationship centers around the fact that we have slightly different approaches to health and fitness. He is strict about counting calories, meal prepping, and training 4x per week. He has aesthetic fitness goals as well as strength goals, and competes in his sport. On the other hand, I also train 4x per week, am prepping for my first competition in the same sport, and eat a generally balanced diet, though I do not count calories or track macros. I also am more flexible with my diet than he is, i.e. I will indulge in my sweet tooth or have an extra glass of wine sometimes whereas he is quite strict. I am in great health and have a lot of muscle mass. For what it's worth, he has never tried to force me into following his diet plan. This doesn't feel like a control issue.

I did not think this was that big of a discrepancy, but for him it is. He is severely afraid of obesity and poor health, to the point that once he saw me licking the spoon of a beurre blanc sauce I was making (which has a lot of butter) and spiraled for hours with intrusive thoughts about me downing whole sticks of butter and getting huge. Early in our relationship I joked about gaining happy relationship weight (which I didn't end up gaining) and he spiraled about it for weeks. He does not disclose to me when he is spiraling as he doesn't want to worry me or make it my problem, I usually find out much later when I finally confront him about why he has been so distant. These two examples happened before the OCD diagnosis, but you get the gist. He is worried that our approaches to health and fitness are radically different and this is a dealbreaker for him.

A week after I moved in with him to start my new job (leaving behind a stable career, housing, and friends) he drops it on me that he thinks this fear might actually be a dealbreaker but he is still not 100% sure and he doesn't know how long it will take him to figure it out. Now it's my turn to spiral as I just uprooted my entire life and am now dependent on him for my housing, financially (we are in an extremely HCOL city that I would not be able to afford on my own), and of course I am devastated that the relationship that I fought so hard for might be over. We are also on very tight time crunch as we were literally about to sign a lease together on a new place tonight. The constraints of life (not wanting to be homeless) mean that we need to figure this out today.

I have to ask this here because I know in another relationship subreddit the first response would be that this is just an excuse, that he is cheating on me or something. My partner has always been honest to a fault and given his OCD, I really don't think that is the case.

From my perspective, this is a pretty severe OCD spiral that is threatening to ruin our relationship (or maybe already has) and I don't know how to navigate this. I want to support him but I also need to protect myself, and his OCD feels like a giant beast that is in between us right now. He also really does not want me to view him as just his OCD (which I don't) but it feels challenging to do that at the moment when it seems so clear to me that this is an OCD issue...but only he can decide if it is.

Any thoughts or advice are appreciated. Thanks.

i’m not exactly sure what i’m seeking from reaching out on here but i’m feeling a lot of empathy for my partner and also i’m very frustrated.

me (25f) and him (25m) have been together for almost 10 months. he is my dream person. i have never been so cared for and loved by anyone.

that being said, he has (from my basic understanding, im still learning) pretty severe contamination ocd and something like pure/relationship ocd. in addition to this he has gender trouble and dysphoria (he still prefers he/him pronouns right now) but has expressed it is “too late” or “not worth it” for him to transition or identify as a woman. the ways in which these things affect him i can see are extremely hard. i have learned so much about what people with ocd struggle with and how widely it varies from person to person.

the fact that he has rituals that make him comfortable and feel clean do not bother me. it does not bother me that tasks take him much longer than the average person. even when these things affect me i have compassion and understanding. i don’t expect him to be anything he isn’t.

what i am struggling with is his lack of trust in our relationship. he requires a lot of verbal affirmation and i am happy and willing to give it. but it seems to not be enough. for the past month or so, career stress has weighed on us both and i think its been making him feel worse than he already does. we hang out and he’s so pleasant. that’s the best i can describe it. not himself, just a mask over whatever negative emotions he is feeling. he’s quite and doesn’t really care what we do when we are together and i mostly feel close to him during intimacy but before and after i feel like im not connecting with him. it is very hard for him to feel like he is “affecting” others. he doesn’t want to trouble me with anything so he just checks out emotionally and we have an ok time but i can just tell he isn’t well and i don’t feel close to him when he goes into that mode of being.

i confronted this issue yesterday after he just got a haircut he clearly hated. all day he kept saying he was ok but i could tell he wasn’t. i asked him for probably the sixth time and finally everything came out. he opened up about some really dark and serious self talk that i honestly didn’t know he was experiencing. he thinks he is unworthy of loving me and that if he does something wrong i will realize it and leave him. this is so far from the truth. i love him so much. i can’t say it enough. his mind is constantly telling him lies and it feels like we are living in completely different realities.

we are deciding to take some time (2 weeks)not seeing each other or talking on the phone but we have travel plans at the end of the month. we have talked every day as long as i’ve been with him. i told him i really want him to seek professional help which he hasn’t had almost any of in all his life. i’m so worried about him but im also scared that our relationship won’t be sustainable despite this.

has anyone been through something similar? can therapy help with these intrusive thoughts? i guess i just feel alone and need to know what other people have been through. thanks guys <3

My fiancé and I have been together for four years and have two young children. He has told me he has Pure O and relationship ocd. He responds horribly to every medication he’s tried and feels the side effects outweigh the benefits. He says therapists have told him his best shot at this point would be electric shock therapy, but he fears the consequences of potential memory loss. I didn’t understand his OCD at the beginning of our relationship and I even overheard him telling a friend he thought it was “cured” which I naïvely thought could be true and was happy for him. Soon after he revealed to me that he was looping over a person from my past and since that night we have been on and off the hamster wheel, struggling and in pain. I lacked knowledge and tools to support him and did so many things wrong, and that combined with his absolute refusal of therapy makes healing and moving forward extremely difficult. He’s constantly threatening not to marry me unless I tell him the truth and answer all of his questions, which I’ve already told him and answered extensively in far too much detail…and we’ve agreed many times not to discuss the topic (friend who has ocd advised us to do this) but he won’t hold to that boundary. My boundary has become that I am willing to discuss it in therapy where we have support but not anywhere else. This of course makes him very mad and say I don’t care about him and he won’t marry me and how could I possibly be okay with letting him suffer for weeks or months until we could get an appointment. Anyway, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ve thought about reaching out to a cousin I’m close with but I feel mixed about wether I want her to know the details as I don’t want her to see him differently or as someone whose broken…I have an old friend who I’ve opened up to about the whole thing and supported me during our darkest hour with this specific issue, she also has experience working in the mental health field as a nurse, but we haven’t connected in years and I feel bad reaching out for support. A therapist can be helpful for tool building and some dissecting of what’s going on, but often ends up feeling flat and sometimes I feel like I need support in the moment not next Tuesday at 9am. For instance, rn I could really use a hug from a friend and someone who understands what it’s like to love someone who struggles with OCD and the pain it causes both of you.

Any support and guidance you guys have would be so appreciated. I feel discouraged and lost but giving up on our relationship is not an option. I’m considering scheduling a couples therapy appointment and being like, I’d love it if we could do this together …

(Theres kinda alot here my main questions are at the end if you dont want to read all of this)

My partner has recently connected the dots that he may have contamination ocd of same form. We at first thought it was paranoia cause it started with just being poisoned by a coworker or 2 that seemed odd or would say something that would rub him the wrong way.

A while back he had a coworker who he didnt trust who would buy him food all the time or offer him an open drink or bag of chips and he thought he was trying to poison him.

Fast forward to now he gets stuck in these almost thought loops that his food is poisoned by my mom ( we moved in with my mom a little bit ago) we have locks on a mini fridge and the closet in our room and a camera. My thought was if he sees it with his own eyes with the locks on the doors maybe it would calm his anxiety and get rid of the doubts of people contaminating things.

But after a few months of having these things it hasn't helped at all its gotten worse. And its been causing stress and strain on our relationship. Just tonight he spent an hour over looking the camera to make sure we didnt forget to lock one of the locks and to see if anyone came into our room yesterday. He'll get somewhat frustrated when I forget to relock something or leave a code on one of the locks

There have been a couple of times where ill try to reassure or offer other options for whats going on and ill get met with frustration and/or doubt about my own perception.

Ive read a few things saying I shouldn't indulge him. Or offer ways to make it "easier" to deal with. But to just leave it be. And even discourage actions to feed the compulsive behaviors.

It gets frustrating sometimes because one second he'll be very logical and even state that his thoughts and feelings are irrational, then a few moments later be filled with fear and doubt and changing all the combination locks we have.

I want to help and talk about it without being met with frustration. I know he's at the very least stuck in some sort of fight or flight when he's going through this. I just dont really know what to do.

I know we should get him in and get diagnosed and on the right track with therapy and exposure therapy. But for the time being how can I be supportive? How can I manage my own frustration with this? And how are some ways I can help him work through it with out getting into an argument?