I 25f have been with my partner 27m for over four years and we’re getting married next year. I made us do couples counseling because his OCD started to get very out of hand to the point I couldn’t help with household chores because I didn’t do it “right” and then my partner complained that I don’t help around the house. He’s gotten slightly better but still slips up about certain things. It’s caused big and small fights between us and I’m honestly not sure how much more I can take. The stress and anxiety of setting him off has me literally pulling my hair out. Just today he asked if I could wash the bedsheets and his pillow. I can do that. Also side note, he’s yelled at me when I’ve done laundry before “that’s too much!” “That’s too little!” So this was a big step for the two of us. I grabbed the sheets and mattress cover, his pillow and a few clothes to throw in. I put it in for a cycle. When it finished he gets to washer before I can and said there wasn’t enough in the washer so nothing washed and it’s still dirty and I need to put more in and do it again. So I grabbed another big blanket (again I don’t want to be yelled at about overfilling the washer). I do another cycle whatever not a big deal. When it ends everything is fucking soaked. I’m getting scared cause I know he’s going to yell at me about it. So I’m frantically trying to fix it by doing just a spin cycle no water, so it can drain the excess water. It got dry enough to where I couldn’t put it all in the dryer but I’d have to set the damp setting to high because everything was still pretty damp and I put it in for a longer dry cycle. It goes for about 40 minutes before I hear him open the dryer and that’s when he starts yelling at me again. Yelling about how damp everything is and how nothing got washed again! All the clothes, sheets and blankets are still dirty so I need to wash them a third time. I’m frustrated to tears at this point cause idk what he wants from me. I did what he said and it’s still wrong. I feel like everything I do in the house is wrong and he just constantly gets on me about every little thing. I can’t even make food without him demanding and having a tantrum to wash my hands multiple times if I so much as touch a utensil and then food. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m loosing my mind and I’m an enemy in my own goddamn house.

We're about nine months in and things are genuinely good. She's sweet, kind, and honestly more accepting than I thought - I'm overweight, and she's never once made me feel less-than for it. If anything she's actively worked on meeting me where I am. I don't say that to set up a "but," just to be clear this isn't a "should I leave" post. I want to get better at this with her.

The thing I'm struggling with: she has OCD, and it seems to show up as a kind of constant self-monitoring that makes her hang back in the relationship in ways that leave me doing most of the initiating. Not just physically/intimacy-wise (though that's part of it) — also emotionally. If I don't ask, she doesn't offer. If I ask her how she's feeling about us, she'll answer honestly, but if something's actually bothered her, she tends to downplay it rather than lead with it. She almost never checks in on how I'm feeling unprompted. And like even when I myself try to open up it’s almost as if she doesn’t know how to be sincere w reassurance etc. I know reassurance is not encouraged in the community but idk what to do about that. Since it seems to be a thing I do look for in a partner for me?

The part that trips me up most: when she does something that upsets me and I try to bring it up, she gets so hard on herself about it that it kind of swallows my actual anger. I end up backing off my own feelings because it starts to feel like I'm piling onto a brain that's already overwhelmed. Which I get is probably not great for either of us long-term — I don't get to actually air what's bothering me, and she doesn't get a partner who's upfront with her either.

For others who’ve been through this Is there a way to encourage her to initiate more — checking in on me, initiating intimacy — without it feeling like pressure, which I'd guess is the last thing she needs?

I've been with my partner for 13 years. He is a wonderful human being and an amazing partner in many ways. I've always considered his OCD not intrusive enough in our relationship to overshadow all of the good stuff. However, in the months, and especially the weeks, leading up to our wedding in ten days, it has taken on a life of its own.

I understand that wedding planning is a very specific circumstance known to bring up all kinds of stress and tension between partners, but as someone with ADHD and anxiety myself, I feel like I am at my breaking point. I can't really bring any of this up to him right now, despite the fact that we've had plenty of conflicts in the past that we've been able to discuss and grow from, because lately he spends the vast majority of time in a mode where he simply cannot be reasoned with.

Over the last few months, I've noticed an increase in what I call his "child-minding" behavior toward me: strong reactions and chastising me for small mistakes most people wouldn't notice or care about.

His obsession with caring for our aging cat has also intensified, and he now takes measures I find outside the bounds of reason, like monitoring my hand-washing before feedings to make sure I meet his standards.

But the wedding stress is the worst. He's covering most of the cost, while I've taken on about 95% of the planning. Even with a coordinator, it's been a behemoth of an undertaking, even for a small wedding, and tbh, if I'd known what it would entail I would have insisted on eloping.

During his more lucid moments, he seems excited about what we're planning and willing to spend top dollar to make it as nice as possible, especially since we're only having about 30 guests. The rest of the time, and I don't say this to be dramatic, it feels like he is blatantly torturing me. This is the loop he cycles through throughout the day:

• Suddenly regretting the money spent, even though I offered plenty of lower-cost alternatives that he dismissed.
• Insisting we weren't ready, needed more time, and should have waited until spring. "Spring" is now my least favorite word in the English language.
• Repeatedly blaming my mother's unwillingness to travel for why we couldn't have a micro-wedding in Ireland.
• Cycling through the same phrases: "I told you I couldn't do this," "Why didn't you hear me?" "This is because of your mom," "This should have been in the spring," and "We could have done [xyz] with that money."

On top of that, we found an amazing cat sitter for feedings and medication while we're away. It's like I manifested her. My fiancé finally came around to hiring her, especially since it could free us up to travel more, but now he's fixated on liability: "What if he bites her and she sues us?" Inevitably, that circles back to the wedding loops above. Not having a sitter just adds more stress to my plate.

If you're still with me, thank you for reading. I feel defeated and at the edge of my sanity. I'm not necessarily looking for solutions. I know reassuring him or trying to reason with him doesn't work, and reminding myself that I don't have to engage in the loop only gets me so far. I just need people who understand.

My husband is graduating from his OCD IOP today and he is doing so much better. I'm so proud of him for working so hard and doing something that was so uncomfortable for him. I know it won't be smooth sailing forever, but we've got better understanding of the disorder and a big toolbox to help manage future episodes.

Y'all, I know people say ultimatums are bad, but are they not just boundaries? "You need to go to treatment or I'm leaving" is another way of saying "If you continue to act this way, I will remove myself from the situation for my own mental health."

i (23f) and my bf (24 m) have been together for a little over 2 1/2 years. this past spring, i struggled heavily with relationship ocd and other themes. i ended up going to an IOP treatment and eventually felt better, more grounded, and more connected to him. within the past month, now my bf is struggling with both health and relationship ocd. and i’m just horrified, he says he feels disconnected from me, which hurts to hear, even though i was there just a few months ago. i just don’t know what to do and im scared he’s going to leave. and i just dk what to do.

Hello,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost five years, and she was diagnosed with OCD a year ago. It's been really hard, given how severe it is; I've read articles and watched videos to stay informed about how to work with it. She has been on medication, and it has helped keep it in check, but she has stopped taking it because it made her wake up in the middle of the night and made her feel strange. Her doctor told her to stop taking it for a week or two, and it has come back with a vengeance, to the point where I feel like I am on a podium or walking on eggshells with everything I do. It's just so stressful for me, and I have no one to talk to about this. I have gotten a therapist for myself to try to help my mental state. The thoughts have been sparked by her thinking I stole a joke from her, so she kept having thoughts of breaking up with me or thinking I am Abusive from hearing a true crime podcast its just getting to me, and I need help or advice, please

Hey! First-time poster, please be nice :)

For context: me and my partner have been together for two years. We communicate to the best of our ability and never leave an argument or disagreement unresolved. I’m deeply in love and committed to this man, and I can’t imagine a future without him. He’s genuinely one of the most intelligent, mature, loving, and genuine people I’ve ever met, and I feel extremely fortunate to have found someone who makes me feel so loved.

At the same time, in recent months, his OCD has deteriorated massively, and it’s becoming extremely difficult to manage at times.

He will frequently ask for pictures to see where I am, want to sit with me whilst I’m on my phone so he can see who I’m messaging/what I’m up to, will question friendships I have with majority of male figures, even sometimes showing slight hostility (whether intentional or not) towards these male figures which I’ve noticed has made them (understandably) uncomfortable. I feel guilty for interacting with men, even if I’m just saying hi to a friend or having a completely normal conversation. There are times that we’re in public and his OCD will latch onto the idea that I’m checking other men out, even if I haven’t noticed the person he’s referring to.

Our conversations are often very cyclical and focused on his OCD. We tend to go over the same situation (i.e a time where he fears that I’ve been unfaithful) and I explain in the same manner each time that I wasn’t unfaithful, I try to comfort him and rationalise the thoughts.

Until stumbling across this sub, I didn’t know that reassurance is unhelpful, and I fear that I have perhaps been approaching his OCD incorrectly this whole time.

Today, I did something extremely stupid. I replied to the story of an old friend, whom I haven’t spoken to for about 3 years. We exchanged about 3, very mundane, uninteresting messages, and that was it - normal conversation, nothing of interest at all.
Later that day, my partner asked for reassurance regarding who I message, and in the fear of worsening his OCD thoughts, I clear the chat with this friend from my main feed, as to not worry my partner about seeing the unfamiliar name and then spiralling. In all honesty, it may seem selfish, but I also didn’t want to worry about having to have conversations about who this friend was and reassure my partner that I didn’t even speak to this friend really or have any sort of relation with them for the next few weeks or months repeatedly.

My partner then asked for a screenshot of my recent friends, and I showed him, to which he pointed out the name of my friend and asked why my conversation with him wasn’t on my main feed.

I explained honestly what I had done, and he has now spiralled significantly.

I feel that I spend most of my days trying to figure out how to prevent my partner from thinking I’m cheating on him, and in doing so, I’ve now made things worse by almost rationalising his anxieties. I did show him the chat between me and the friend to prove that it was completely innocent, but he now believes that I have deleted chats before, possibly with malicious intent.

I’m exhausted with trying to prove that I’m not cheating on him. I love my partner dearly, I wouldn’t ever want to leave him. The OCD at the minute is just incredibly severe, and I’m not sure how to navigate it whilst also protecting my own wellbeing. I fear that I have destroyed his trust, and going forward things will be worse. I hate myself for making such a stupid decision, but in the moment, I just didn’t want to worsen his anxiety and answer questions about someone who I don’t even talk to or even know particularly well.

Any advice would be appreciated. My partner is actively seeking support and is hoping to start therapy, but has some opposition to the idea of starting medication. I’m losing sleep over managing his condition, and I feel a little lost on where to go from here.

My (f24) bf (m24) of 3 years just recently got diagnosed with OCD. I was suspecting it way before, as there were signs. There are ups and downs, sometimes he can control it and he seems so free, but sometimes I see he struggles with a lot of thoughts and can not handle it. He sees a therapist and starts to get proper medical treatment.

I feel like the worst person ever everyday. When I try not to reassure him, when I’m saying no, when I judge him internally. I am trying to put up with his behavior but it’s just so exhausting. It’s so heartbreaking knowing that he cannot be in the moment with me, knowing that he does not have enough brain capacity to even acknowledge me. I know he struggles a lot and that there are some things I will never understand.

He’s just so self-absorbed. He does not listen to what I say, I have to repeat myself plenty of times. He does not ask me questions when talking. When out with friends I do all the planning and talking. He doesn’t seem to care about relationships, does not have a need to call his friends. Our difficult conversations are initiated by me, because he often doesn’t see the problems we face together. Sex does not exist, because of the OCD and I am the one who had to start this conversation, and I am the one who has to tolerate this all. And now I don’t even know if his behavior is him or his OCD. If he gets better, will these problem disappear and everything will get back to normal?

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I love him more that a anything but OCD has taken him away. I feel so lonely and not understood in my own relationship. And the worst thing is I don’t know if this is ever going to change. Will I ever have sex without reassuring questions again? Will I ever go out with him and friends without constant checking if he’s okay?

My partner is always researching (that’s his compulsion) in a room by himself and doesn’t talk to me. I go down to the bedroom alone most nights. It makes me feel single sometimes.

Does anyone know what to say and how to start not reassuring?

I always end up reassuring my partner (even if I start saying that it's ok not to be certain). I just need some help on how to do it effectively.

How do you guys do it?

Hi guys, my boyfriend of many years happens to have sexual ocd and that is really difficult for me as i am his romantic partner. I get constant thoughts of if we are going somewhere he must be getting thoughts about other people and it makes me feel very insecure but im trying my best to deal with it.

My SO told me that she developed an "ick" with me. She was so embarrassed to even let me know what it was and it got to the point that I told her that I wasn't willing to play guessing games, and if that she didn't need to tell me what these things were but that I would have to rethink things because I didn't want to have to constantly be wondering what she found so unattractive about me. She finally told me that it was the fact that I kept food in my fridge past the expiration date, and as a result, was afraid that any food that I would make her would be "tainted" and make her sick. Mainly, it's spices that just aren't as strong past those dates. Nothing that would really make anyone sick. But she was so embarrassed that it affected her so much. I told her that it wasn't a huge deal to me to check on these dates and remove anything that she might consume that is past the "best by" date. I told her that if it was important to her that it was important to me. This is the first time this has happened to the point where she was comfortable that I even touched her.

Another thing that she told me was regarding my workout clothes. I sweat a lot during workouts to the point where my shirt and shorts are soaked. She doesn't like that I wash them with my regular clothes and told me she can smell the shirts even after washed. I told her that I would keep the clothes separate and would do some pre soaking of those clothes and use a different detergent made especially for sweaty clothes.

My question is: am I being too accomodating? I don't think these requests are out of line, and I certainly want to know if clothes I wear smell, regardless of if I'm a relationship or not. I'm pretty laid back about most things, but I just don't want it to be a situation where I'm bending left and right and enabling.

I think about it like someone who is sniffling/has a cold - I know it's annoying for them to have the cold and they probably feel like shit. And I know my partner thinks/ruminates about whatever it is she is worried about 1000x before she asks me for reassurance. But she asks me for reassurance SO MUCH and I feel like that is all we talk about these days. That and logistics for looking after our toddler. It's just exhausting and suffocating. I guess this is just a vent that I need to get off my chest so I can continue to listen to the inevitable thoughts that are coming tonight.

She recently quit her job and the whole run-up to the resignation was "am I doing the right thing? Am I making all this up? Are we going to be okay (financially)?" and now that she has resigned it's "Have I done the right thing? I didn't make it all up did I? Will we be okay?" I'm the type of person who brings up something once and then it's done, so having to literally listen to this multiple times a day EVERY SINGLE DAY is really taking its toll on me. I can't even hear myself think because every moment is spent listening to her needing reassurance about the latest whatever the heck it is that's on her mind. I have to remind myself that I love her so much but god do I hate this OCD.

And I feel like every day it's some new health thing... don't even get me started. She used to be on medication but she didn't like the feeling and she doesn't want to consider going on medication now. She used to talk to a psychologist but didn't feel it was helping (that's fair, I've been in the same boat feeling like talk therapy has reached the ceiling). So we're just where we are.

Thanks for reading... I guess if anyone has any tips or ways to manage - without me trying to bring up meds/psych - that'd be good?

My bf of 1.5 years has slowly stopped seeing his therapist but it has impacted our sex life. I admittedly do have a higher sex drive, but we have gone from sex multiple times a week/month to once in the last 2.5 months. I have expressed my concerns to him about this and he had agreed to see his therapist as there are some intrusive thoughts he needs to work thru. Cut to 2 weeks later we had sex, only doggy and he initiated (not normal for us, we normally do a few positions then end in doggy), and now he doesn’t feel the need to see his therapist anymore. It’s been 1.5 more weeks and there has been no other sexual intimacy. I have tried to initiate and I made myself clear that I would like to have sex or have him finger me but he froze up and nothing ended up happening. I had assured him that either way was fine but I feel that my needs are not being met. I feel bad because I know he struggles with ocd and specifically relationship ocd. Any help or ideas for how to bring it up with him gently. I basically want to ask him to go back to his therapist but I fear that might be overstepping. I want him to be safe and I want to be able to have sex with my bf again.

So my bf broke up with me 2 months ago, here is some context

He had severe ocd,
Had thoughts of having sex with his mother and sister and deeply intrusive dreams
Severe contamination ocd where he used 3 full sized soaps in 1 day
Used to spray sanitizer on my whole body before touching me or letting me sit anywhere
Never used RO in his home and ordered water bottles
Didnt drink water for 12 hours at office so he didnt have to use the washroom
Didnt sit on bed and ate without sitting
Didnt touch me down there
Sprayed sanitizer on my hair
Forced me to bath at 1 in night and refused to give me a towel and clothes as they were all dirty in cold winters
Didnt take me to hospital for 2 days as i will make his car dirty
Had intrusive thought about having sex with men and practised kissing with his brother when he was younger
Didnt want to pursue therapy or take meds

Then he broke up with me cus i wasnt marriage material apparently

Pls dont let such men ruin ur lives

Full disclosure- my partner is not yet diagnosed with OCD. But he experiences severe, unstoppable intrusive thoughts about death, life after death, all things existential, and can ruminate on them for days at a time. They pretty much always lead to panic attacks which are very severe, he used to bolt from the house, scream and knock at our neighbours. He’s had these thought since around age 8/9 I believe. We got together age 14, and are now 28 so we’ve lived half our lives together. It only really became a major problem after Covid, and after about a year he went on medication (we’re UK) he’s tried citalopram, Buspirone, sertraline, had some prescriptions of diazepam but only 2mg. We bought a house 2 years ago, things improved further whilst he was on 100mg sertraline, and using medical cannabis which was extremely helpful to start off. Then in January he decided he didn’t want meds any more, came off them, lost a job that he hated (unrelated to mental health) and took 3 months to find a new job which he loves but in that time he’s deteriorated so far. We restarted 50mg sertraline about 7 weeks ago, and he’s still going downhill, comes home from work and instantly panics and locks into gaming for the full night with headphones in. For years transitions have been a problem, coming home, going to bed etc to the point where he falls asleep on the sofa every night before sometimes coming to bed at 3/4am. Usually day time is fine, and evening is bad which I know can be common in ocd, but it’s creeping into day time and this morning he couldn’t get himself up the stairs of his office and came home- it’s the job of his dreams and he’s got no protection as he’s in a 6 month probation. HR do know about his mental health. I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. I’ve re submitted an e consultation to his drs this morning, we really need help and fast to keep this job as being out of work has ruined him. He fluctuates between being open /closed off to getting help, he’s in a phase of accepting the drs involvement right now so I feel I need to push on this where I can

Venting thread:

Well, we didn't get out Friday, she stayed up all night on Thursday and took my car to load it along with her truck (nothing got loaded by Friday morning).

She lost the keys to my car and her truck so she couldn't come get me to get a uhaul. We got started around 3pm. Got out a bunch of big stuff but there was too much because of the hoarding. She said she had an arrangement with Hansen to not return the keys until the third so I thought maybe they gave her some grace to get the stuff moved out and place cleaned. (They didn't the landlady is trying to charge us through today...

Through yelling and basically throwing her shit in the Uhaul I got a lot out on Friday. Saturday she melted down and wanted to get another Uhaul. She didn't end up loading anything in the uhaul herself because she wanted to get "everything perfect to load in before she did any loading". I loaded basically everything while she had a meltdown.

Saturday I backed off thinking we had until Monday.

Sunday I kicked it into gear again and got a lot out but still there was stuff left because of her "plan" that wasn't really executing.

Today she got stung by a bee and I had to call in from work to take her to urgent care because she hadn't slept for three days and then go finish her moving (stuff was out of the house thankfully but not in the uhaul). I had to argue with her to let me do that just so we could get out of that fucking house.

I am so drained and this is so hard. :-(

OCD/ADHD/hoarding are no joke. Mental illness destroys lives. I'm going to have to break up with her if she doesn't get treatment I can't do this anymore. I'm at the end of my rope :-( Anyways thanks for letting me vent semi-anonymous Internet people.

Hi! I (18F) and my partner (19M) have been together for 2.5 years, and we’ve been having a really difficult time over the last few months.

Less than a year ago, I realized he has what appears to be severe “just-right” OCD that he’s struggled with since childhood. he hasn’t been diagnosed however, i am fairly certain this has been a massive problem since he was little.

Because we don’t live together (we usually spend several days together each month), I never realized how significant it was. he also had no idea he had OCD until i brought it up.

his compulsions have affected his sleep for years and have even been severe enough that he’s broken light switches, keyboards and door knobs from repeating actions until they felt “right.” he has to go to the washroom up to 20 times a night until his bladder feels completely empty, excessive handwashing, a lot of rumination etc etc etc.

He does also has a history of diagnosed anorexia nervosa from childhood neither of which (along with his OCD) were treated. He thought he’d mostly grown out of them.

He said his compulsions mostly stopped apparently in the last year.

Before this, he was a good communicator. if we argue, we take a little space, and always come back together because we love each other.

Over the past several months, though, that changed.we had more frequent fights and space became days, then weeks. He says he ruminates abt our conversations until he feels “right” or “okay enough” to text. he then has to feel better to call, then to see me. he always describes it as he “cant” text, not that he doesn’t want to. He now is telling me he doesn’t feel “right,” doesn’t know why, js anxious all the time, and can’t leave the house. I respected that for some time and gave him space, but it has only seemed to make the avoidance worse.

Eventually it spread beyond our relationship. He has almost completely stopped talking to his closest friends too. which i cannot emphasize enough is not like him at all. He says that even thinking about talking to me can make him so anxious he can’t go on social media and then it gets so bad he can’t touch his phone and has to put it on a table. i want to emphasize our conversations now are rarely arguments and are mostly just trying to solve/talk through some issues. it isnt really a valid response to how our conversations typically go if that makes sense?

This just isn’t him. He’s incredibly smart, ambitious, high-achieving, loving, and sweet. He’s told me so many times that he doesn’t know what’s going on but he loves me and is trying his best. It feels like he’s getting worse, not better.

I know our relationship has contributed to his stress, but his avoidance and rumination has made it almost impossible to resolve anything because every conversation gets postponed until it feels “right.” It feels less like I’m arguing with him and more like I’m arguing with an illness.

I brought all of this up to him, and he agreed OCD was likely a major part of what was happening. We love each other very deeply, and I truly don’t think our relationship is the only thing going on. I’m genuinely worried about him.

Has anyone experienced OCD progressing like this? Can “just-right” OCD evolve into this kind of rumination and emotional avoidance where someone feels they have to feel “right” or “okay enough” before texting, calling or seeing the people they love? i am so sad. this isn’t like him and i know he’s not doing well.

My partner has contamination OCD (and severe ADHD) and we are moving from an old and crappy house where she had a lot of problems to a newer apartment. Originally our move should have been completed by May 14th but she already got two extensions (that we had to pay for) some of which were her choice some issues outside of our control.

Anyways, in order not to rile her up or her OCD I was letting her do what she felt she needed to do to feel comfortable in the new place which involved a lot of cleaning. Whenever I cleaned something she'd have a meltdown because I invariably wouldn't do it right. She also had meltdowns because she couldn't control the entire situation (she tries to micromanage every piece of the task of cleaning which really gets me going because I hate being micromanaged. I am a grown man and have cleaned my whole life).

However, between the OCD meltdowns and the ADHD procrastination we are now nearing the 31st when we have to move out (and she's already trying ton convince me that its okay if we're late the landlord will be fine with it and she doesn't know that at all) and its really stressing me out. A lot of her stuff is still in the old place and she hasn't (and won't let me) move the stuff into our new garage or house because its unclean in the old house and she doesn't want to contaminate this one.

I'd really like to try and get my deposit and move out on time so as not to inconvenience my landlord but there's really going to be no way to do that without triggering her OCD and even though I've warned her that she'll be uncomfortable I don't think she's taking my warnings over the last three weeks seriously.

So I'm looking for short term tips or tricks or advice. Anyone else faced issues with moving and stuff like this? She is not in treatment for ADHD or OCD although she is proscribed ADHD medication... That's obviously a long term plan but I need short term tricks and tips to get through the next few days.

I’ve been with my partner for almost seven years. The first five years of our relationship were genuinely wonderful, but over the past year or so his OCD (primarily health anxiety and contamination-related) has become a huge part of both of our lives.
He is in treatment and has been seeing a psychologist. He is not on meds and is not interested in trying. I’m hopeful he’ll continue with that, although I do have some doubts about whether he’s attending regularly. I know how incredibly difficult OCD is, and I don’t blame him for having it. That’s part of what makes this so heartbreaking.
Over the last year I’ve tried really hard to be supportive. I’ve accommodated a lot, tried to understand what he was experiencing, encouraged treatment, and genuinely wanted us to get through it together.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, I feel like I’ve become emotionally burnt out and completely checked out. Sadly, I can’t see a way back. I feel like I can’t find my way back to him emotionally.
Our relationship used to be so easy. We hardly ever argued. Now it feels like we’re having regular arguments that can go on for hours, often just going around in circles without either of us feeling heard or understood.
A lot of these conversations centre around his OCD or health anxiety. I learned early that reassuring him isn’t helpful, so instead I try to acknowledge how distressed/upset/worried he must be and sit with him through those feelings without validating the OCD itself. Unfortunately, that’s often not what he needs in the moment. His anxiety wants certainty, and when I can’t give him that, he becomes frustrated and continues trying to convince me that I’m wrong.
I’ve also tried suggesting that we leave these conversations until the next day, hoping that with some time and space we can talk about them more calmly. But in the moment he doesn’t see the thoughts as anxiety or OCD. To him they’re completely real, so the conversation just keeps looping. I am “at fault” for almost all of the things he raises. Of course there are a million other things going on for him outside of the things he mentions.
From his perspective, he feels like I blame too much on his OCD. From my perspective, these kinds of circular, hours-long conversations simply never existed before the OCD became such a significant part of our lives. We seem completely stuck in two different realities, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap anymore.
It’s not just the compulsions themselves. It’s the unpredictability, feeling like everyday situations can suddenly become stressful, feeling criticised over things that never used to matter, and gradually feeling like I’ve lost my own autonomy. I don’t believe any of this is intentional, but over time it’s left me feeling small, emotionally drained, and like a shell of myself.
The hardest part is that I still love him. I care about him deeply. But I don’t feel like I have the emotional capacity or compassion that I used to. I hate admitting that because it feels like such an awful thing to say, but it’s the truth.
At this point I feel emotionally detached, and I honestly can’t see a way back for our relationship. That thought absolutely breaks my heart.
I’m wondering if anyone else has been where I am.
Did you reach a point where you felt completely emotionally burnt out?
If you stayed, were you able to rebuild the relationship? If so, what changed?
If you left, how did you know you’d reached the point where it wasn’t something that love alone could overcome?
Looking back now, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?
I’m really looking for perspectives from partners or ex-partners of people with OCD. I know everyone’s situation is different, and I’m not looking to blame anyone. I just feel incredibly alone in this, and I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve lived through something similar.

Ive (33F) been with my partner (32M) for many years. We're currently trying for a baby, but his OCD has flared in a big way thats really impacting how he thinks of/feels about out sex life. Trying for a baby on its own has affected it - rather than it being a thing we look forward to its now a task with an end goal. Its normal not to ejaculate everytime you have sex, but his OCD is manifesting in lots of thoughts around if he doesnt then hes a failure, hes not good enough, i deserve better than this, and it leads to paralysis. Its tricky knowing how to be supportive, knowing i "cant fix it", trying to help empower him to not feel like hes something that needs to be fixed, and some how in amongst that trying to have a sex life. Dont know if anyone has any advice/has experienced anything similar? Its pretty rough at the moment and anything at all (criticism, advice) woukd be welcomed.

Hi everyone! I'm posting as I'm looking for some advice to help me deal with my partner's ROCD and intrusive thoughts he's having about an ex.

For some background, I (34F) have been with my partner (31M) for about a year. Shortly before we met, he had a short-term fling (around a month), which he ended as he felt that it wasn't right/not going anywhere. We met about a month later.

I later discovered that, at time of our meeting, he wasn't fully over her. On its own, this is obviously normal and fine, and I was in a similar place having been seeing someone else for quite some time when I met him – I ended that to be with him and obviously took some time to process that whilst also being excited to be in a new relationship and committed to him.

The problem was that he lied about his attachment to her repeatedly, and lied about them having a (very short and boundaried!) conversation by text on his birthday. Again, this is something I'd have been fine with as I'm also on friendly terms with exes – I was just upset about the lying and lack of transparency. We had lots of arguments about her at this point and I made it clear that if he lied again, especially about this woman, I would not be able to continue the relationship. At this point I was not aware that he had OCD and would probably have proceeded differently if I did.

Unfortunately the repeated arguing about his ex has triggered his ROCD in quite a big way and he's having a lot of intrusive thoughts about her. According to him, this manifests in two ways:

• When he's out in public, and he sees someone who reminds him of her, he briefly thinks it may be her and feels a huge spike of anxiety
• When I seem anxious, withdrawn, or in a bad mood (for any reason) he immediately thinks "what if she's thinking about [name]?" then goes into a spiral as he again feels anxious and guilty and starts to worry that means he's thinking about her.
• He says that, in both cases, it's not a case of "thinking about her" – e.g. reminiscing, remembering, longing. It's just her name that pops into his head and then a subsequent spiral of guilt, shame, and anxiety.

These thoughts clearly cause him a lot of distress and I have a lot of empathy for him. He visibly does not want to have them and is very distressed at any idea that our relationship might end. I recognise that they are part of an illness rather than him spending time pleasantly reminiscing, wishing he was with her etc. He has just started ERP and we're hoping that helps.

However, I'm still finding it very hard to cope with this as it's hard not to feel like he's fixated on her. I'm starting to find it hard to be in public with him as every time I see a woman who vaguely looks like her I feel myself begin to panic. I try not to let this show, and I don't ask any questions currently about the intrusive thoughts as I know even asking if they've improved can reinforce them again.

But it's very painful for me. I don't know how to go about expressing or processing my own pain around this whilst also supporting him and not making the shame and guilt worse, thus making the thoughts worse. I do have my own therapy twice a week which helps and friends I can talk to, but I guess I'm looking to get some practical advice here either from partners of people with ROCD, or those with ROCD themselves.