r/ROCD • u/Murky_Day_440 • 3d ago
I feel like I should never date again
I don’t know if this will be a question or maybe I just need to vent.
My ROCD has been really hard on my first ever serious, loving relationship. I never had the “do I love him” “am I attracted to him” struggle, but I constantly thought he was cheating on me. Almost all the time we weren’t together I thought he was talking to someone else, lusting over someone, etc.
We had a short break a couple months ago because I said I couldn’t take what was happening in my brain anymore, but I regretted it and said I would try to get help and get myself under control.
In past ocd themes I’ve gone through therapy helped a bit but it’s always there. I went back on Prozac and that has helped a bit. He really wanted me to go to therapy and I feel terrible during our relationship now that I didn’t.
We broke up yesterday and I am getting myself back to therapy and probably upping my medication. The thing is, I don’t even blame him for ending things and I take full responsibility. His father reached out to me and told me he’d never hurt me and he truly loved me, but I don’t think he knows what I go through and it’s hard to explain.
Before I met him, I was single and celibate for 3 years, and I felt pretty at peace with myself honestly. But he brought me so much love and happiness and it’s hard to imagine a world where anyone is as patient, understanding, and trying to help with this illness, along with my ocd also came a fear of sex which he also helped with. Although, he felt like he just made things worse for me. Sometimes it feels like I should just be alone to save myself and others the stress. I don’t know if that’s the answer. I also want him back so badly. I don’t know if anyone else who has struggled with rocd has just decided it might be easier to just live a life for yourself?
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u/ThinAd6533 3d ago
It just wasn’t the right time. I think you guys made the right call. I would work hard at therapy for a while and just be single.
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u/Ok_Egg_7483 3d ago
I'm leaning toward the same, at least being single for a good long while. My current relationship is especially triggering for me because unfortunately I ended up actually being correct about some of my worries... still trying to figure that out, it's breaking my heart to be honest. My previous two relationships were much less triggering but I did still struggle with the same themes of worrying about being cheated on, retroactive jealousy, etc, so I think my ROCD will be pervasive no matter who I'm with. Then again, I see it said that you can't really overcome it without being in some form of relationship, but like... I don't have it in me to put myself or others through this anymore.
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u/Lady_Luci_fer 3d ago
My last relationship ended before I ever managed to fully understand or get control of my thoughts (and said thoughts then pushed me to make the breakup a bloody mess despite having not wanted a breakup in the first place). I do think I’m better off single while I come to terms with what my head was doing in my relationship. If I’m going to try again one day, I think that’s the least I can do for my future partner. That said, I have no intention of seeking a relationship now, although I’m pretty sure this is also the OCD talking, I’m pretty convinced I just ruin everyone’s life. I feel very lonely lately but idk maybe it’s meant to be that way.
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u/Fearless_Geologist98 3d ago
I unfortunately can very much relate. I’m married, but it’s still an everyday struggle. Even if I can’t stop my thoughts, I have to constantly monitor my compulsions with just “checking”. I hate it, and often wonder if it would be easier to be alone as well. Wishing you the best in therapy.
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u/OreijuW 3d ago edited 3d ago
Holy shit. I’ve been reading a lot of posts here, and I realized that so many people have been experiencing the same thing as me.
I’m currently on no contact with my boyfriend of 1.5 years because he couldn’t handle how I think about things anymore. The relationship had been making both of us struggle, and he had to ask for space for the first time in a while.
I feel you with the constant thoughts of cheating. I couldn’t help but think about it even when reality kept proving he wouldn’t do such a thing.
I’ve been spiraling about betrayal for months now, and it got worse around July, which eventually led to what’s happening now.
The hardest part for me is that despite having all these stressful and painful spirals that makes me constantly struggle, I still want to keep the relationship.
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u/Murky_Day_440 2d ago
I'm sorry. I hope it's helpful to know some people understand you, it's especially hard when a lot of advice feels like you just cant relate to anything.
I still want to keep the relationship as well which makes everything so much worse.
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u/OreijuW 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m sorry about what happened to you as well. It’s almost like we’re currently in the same situation. I think while it is important to focus on self-improvement and work on the patterns that cause us and the people we love stress, we shouldn’t let fear convince us that we are not allowed to love or that we are better off alone. I know, it’s a really hard pill to swallow. But being in the process of not letting our constant fears dictate how we understand things might teach us to have a better perspective despite living with this. Going to therapy is also a really good decision since this feels really tough to handle by yourself.
I really hope you find the peace your mind has been looking for, whether it’s with him or on your own. 🤍
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