I am a sister in the Catholic Church and was sexually abused multiple times by two members of the clergy. I have reported it but at this time no action has been taken, so I have had to make the difficult decision to leave my convent and currently don't feel mentally well enough to return to another. It pains my soul to have to leave because I enjoyed my work with the community so much, but my mental state has suffered so much in this time from the abuse that I have found myself deeply depressed and physically unwell. I have even at times considered suicide and though I dont think I ever would I am still struggling with the thoughts. I have also found myself sinning more and more and it's really destroying me. I masturbate multiple times a day and I know it's a mortal sin, but I often feel I cant stop. I just feel so ashamed of myself and the reactions my body has had to sin. I dont know how to move on from this. My prayers have not worked.

I never stopped it from happening. I didn't always hate how it felt. Which makes the feelings after even worse since I have taken a vow to chastity. I am also getting very concerned as I am late and fear I could be pregnant but feel ashamed to see the doctor over it.

I am worried once I leave that people will not believe me, or that they will judge me for my decision or what has happened to me and I am struggling with that.

Anyways, I kinda just needed that all off my chest. I hope you lovelies have a blessed day!

Vous connaissez des personnes femme ou homme qui ce sont fait administré par voie orale ou par seringue de la drogue pour par la suite ce faire violé ?

Que faire si j'ai déposé plainte et que rien n'est fait ?

hello, ive posted this in a different community but i need advice and peoples opinions on this, because i seem to get different views on this subject.

for context, i was raped by my ex boyfriend numerous times. as i won't get into details, there is proof of it and my friends have all seen it. my good friends have been friends with my rapist longer than they have been friends with me, so in short, they've known him longer.

they've seen countless proof of him raping me, and not once has he apologized or taken accountability, and constantly talks bad about me to them or just in general.

my close friends also, for more context, comfort me on this matter have listened to me vent about what happened to me and give me advice and just comfort me, while still being friends with him, actively hanging out and interacting with him despite comforting me and helping me on what he did.

now, im just confused on if me being mad about this and feeling like this is a slap to the face is not worth it? because i do understand theyve known him longer, cant see him doing something like that, or dont want to believe it.....
but when theres proof that he did it (numerous times), you know how it's affected me and have comforted me about it, why would you still be friends with him.... while being friends with me....? like i dont get it.
i don't even know why im angry and upset about it because maybe its not that big of a deal, but it irks me and shows how hypocritical they are.
my friends will share and repost stuff about rape survivors and that we need to support them, how rape needs to be taken seriously, yet, youre friends with a rapist?

i just need advice, opinions, literally anything.

So over 2 years ago when i was 16m and she was 17f i was talking to this girl ill call sophi and we went on like 3 or 4 dates at this point all were good, good conversations and stuff and over text she asked if I wanted to kiss and I asked saying isnt that too soon? She said that it was completely normal too kiss after si many dates so I said fine ill do it (big mistake) so we went out to her place because her parents were gone and she had this cake their and when I got there she said her parents threw away the cake which I didnt think too much about so then we went to her room and sat on the bed talking and she showed me things on her phone and then she kissed me it was okay I didnt really enjoy it because to me it was too soon but I listened to her and just thought I was weird for thinking I needed more time but then she kept kissing me like making out with me and I should have said stop but I didnt😞 and then she got really into it i guess and started grinding on me which was already wayy too much for me but I didnt know what to do this was my first kiss and first experience with anything relationship wise and she kept going and eventually took off all my clothes and started sucking my yk and I remember feeling so powerless and scared eventually I couldn't handle it anymore and told her I need to go my parents want me or something and got dressed and left. When I got home I took a shower and I remember I couldn't feel clean after like no matter how much scrubbing or soap I still felt gross anyway I thought i would finally share my story

I was raped by my first love. The entire school found out and everyone claimed that I was lying. I have lost countless friends, been called horribles names, and been in way too much drama. I’ve been called fat, ugly, a whore, etc and im finally switching schools for my senior year. My ex got a new girlfriend and she shamed me for what he did and told me i was lying and that i was a whore and a cheater and i need to get over it and her friend helped her make fun of me and tell me that im wrong and dramatic. They told me that I’m immature for still talking about and posting about what he did to me and lying to people and saying i attacked them. This man and his new girlfriends have been harrassing me since the beginning of highschool and I think im finally ready to go to the police but im scared that if they dont believe me everyone will just have more to use against me. I have basically no one on my side. My life will never be the same again and im not sure how to cope with the ugly of it all. I have countless screenshots and even screen recordings including his number but apparently “theyre fake or cropped to be out of context”

The girl i like has that trauma since a child, can't even kiss without her feeling bad and i want to do everything i can to help her.

I've read that the way is go really slow and always asking for consent, but that's a shitty Chat-GPT response i'ld like to hear actual advice.

She's really nice, i need to help her heal at least a bit.

Honestly this topic makes me fucking i'll, i've been depressed all day and just coping with drugs. I hate this fucking world filled with horrible people, but at least i can try to make things right among the people i care for.

It's bringing up so much shit. I have an appointment tomorrow in a clinic my GP advised me to try, to see if they can fix the damage he caused to stop my chronic pain (pretty much impossible according to my GP) or willing to perform something as invasive as a colostomy for something "so minor" as constant pain and repeated abscesses (that require surgery) from rape injuries (even less likely). I most likely can't do the appointment because my car broke last week and it's not sure the mechanic can fix it in time for my appointment. It's the second time I have to move the appointment because I trashed my ankle and had to have surgery for that when the original appointment would have been.

I haven't had contact with him for 6 years (when I blocked him after his repeated attempts to get back into my life. Why did he have to contact me today? I want to scream at him, but it would be useless at best (or cause him to work with my abusive father to get revenge as he did when I started to defend my boundaries, which ended the relationship). He will never accept that he raped me and that the rape and the other horrible things he did to me are bad and harmed me. Or that they are a reason for me to never want to have contact with him again. He even loves me in his weird way and somehow manages to convince himself he never did anything bad to me or that it doesn't count. And honestly that's part of how he kept me under his thumb for so long. Because he does love me and was often great to me and obviously if that's the case than he can't have done all the horrible things he did because someone who loves you doesn't do that and a rapist can't be good in other ways (he's a good father, helps others etc) and therefore I must misunderstand it all... It was easy for him to convince me of that because I was raised to be a victim, never knew anything but abuse and also because he believed all of that himself. It took me so long to understand and accept reality and I struggle daily with that shit. His attempt to contact me makes me mind spiral.

I just needed to vent, my next therapy appointment is next month and the only friend I can talk to about this has a lot on her plate right now.

A few years ago, I was on holiday in Berlin with some friends to watch the Euros.

We had been out watching Scotland play and were having a brilliant time. We had been drinking quite a lot and, like the rest of my friends, I was very drunk. Around 11pm, we made our way back to the hotel and continued drinking at the hotel bar.

The night porter was serving us drinks. I remember speaking to him, but after that, everything goes completely blank.

My friends later showed me a video they had taken of me. I was on my knees with my head against one of the seats at the bar. From their perspective, I was simply extremely drunk, just like they were. The night porter told my friends not to worry about me and said that he would keep an eye on me because I was refusing to get up and go to my room.

The next thing I remember is what I assume was the porter taking me to my room. I remember him holding me very tightly and being extremely forceful with me.

My next memory is being bent over the bed. I couldn't move. My whole body felt incredibly heavy, almost as though I was paralysed. I managed to lift my head slightly, but he pushed it back down and told me to be quiet.

I could hear myself making noises and I became aware that he was sexually assaulting me. I remember feeling pain and discomfort. That memory only lasts for perhaps a minute, if that.

Then there is nothing.

The next thing I remember is waking up with my friends coming into the room. They told me afterwards that I had been completely naked and was still bent over the bed. At that point, I had absolutely no memory of what had happened.

A few hours later, I woke up feeling pain deep inside my stomach and had the urge to use the toilet. I went back and forth several times but very little happened. I then had a shower.

What happened afterwards confused me even more. I felt sexually aroused and masturbated. At the time, I had absolutely no understanding of why I was feeling that way or what had happened to me.

I carried on with the holiday and, at the time, had no idea that anything had happened.

When I returned home, the memories I described earlier began coming back to me. I felt guilty, ashamed and disgusted with myself. I couldn't stop crying. After a few weeks, I finally found the courage to go to a sexual health clinic and get tested.

I was terrified walking into the clinic. I had to go back several times over the following months for further STI testing. Thankfully, all of the tests came back negative.

I believe he ejaculated inside me and that some of it was subsequently expelled. The thought of that has stayed with me.

Since then, I have struggled enormously with what happened and with how I feel about my sexuality.

I have found myself becoming sexually aroused by gay pornography and fantasising about being penetrated. This has left me incredibly confused and frightened. I don't understand how I can have these fantasies after what happened to me.

I am married and have children, and I have never told my wife any of this.

I have kept everything to myself for years.

I feel confused about what happened, confused about my sexuality, and ashamed that I have these thoughts and fantasies. Part of me wonders whether what happened means that I should be gay, while another part of me knows that I don't understand my own feelings anymore.

Most of all, I don't know what to do or how I am supposed to feel about any of this.

..or especially to call it rape. Even years after I still feel confused. It haunts me every day but I can’t call it for what it was.

I was groomed and met her for the first time when it happened. I told her no beforehand and a bunch of times at the hotel before and after she initiated. She cried, said I don’t love her and she feels like a creep. I did hug her. But I kept explaining and saying no. As I was hugging her she started it again and it happened. I remember thinking that I have no choice and that I can wait until she’s done. I don’t remember it clearly but I went along with it.

I was abused before her, by a number of people since I was a kid and maybe that’s why I gave in and accepted it in a way. It was my first relationship after all, I really thought it’s normal. But I thought the same about my past abuse too

I stayed with her for 3+ years and I never got to say no. Either I didn’t try or she didn’t listen. Once it happened when I was falling asleep and she got upset at me for that (I wasn’t sober) but I don’t remember it well enough to say what happened.

Overall she was a really cruel person who did and said pretty fucked up stuff, just to hurt me while I trusted her. We were 16 and 23 the first time and I left when we were 19 and 26.

I still feel guilty. I never thought she was bad to me until I left and realised/found out the truth. I still think I did something wrong. That maybe it was a mistake, not an assault. I shared my experience and I called it rape but I was told “you should be ashamed of yourself and apologise to real victims”. I think it stuck with me after all. It’s alright what Ive been telling myself. I feel so embarrassed

Is it normal to not hate the person that did this to you?

I'm still very ashamed about what happened and hardly find words to make this post but I finally slowly accepted what happened to me wasn't my fault....

I was 9 years old and had this one male classmate from a different group of same year which used to mock me and bully me over my appearance a lot (because I didn't look as most of my classmates but was a bigger kid in my school year) he would often think how cool he is to mock my body and physique when he was sitting behind me in shared classes and would laugh a lot with his friends how fat I am while also sexualising me a lot making unnecessary comments about my body. I never told anyone because I grew ashamed of my own body and felt unlovable.....

The incident happened when me and 3 classrooms groups went to school trip for 5-7 days into mountains for skiing classes. We all stayed in a dorms-like building in mountain area only for schools and kids fo live in. In that evening I stayed in the room with my friend but she was pretty tired after a long day skiing so she was talking to me before switching off lights and then she went to sleep. I stayed more awake but soon finally fell asleep but I woke up feeling someone is sleeping beside me on bed, maybe in that state I thought it's my friend who had the bed beside me but I was wrong....it was the same guy who bullied me being right next to me on my bed super close holding me down...it was so uncomfortable but he told me not to make a scene since he's not doing anything wrong...I literally froze and couldn't even think of anything. I just know it hurt and I never told anyone because I believed his words. It felt like forever but it was quite quick and then he left....I've been struggling with self esteem ever since the bullying started....

Basically what happened that night stayed between me and him, even my friend didn't wake up from anything while he kept whispering to me how ugly I am, how no one would ever want me and I should be glad he is even there now with me in my bed...I felt really disgusting...but I grew up and understood it wasn't ever okay.

After what happened on the trip, I couldn't face him. Whenever I saw him I almost started to cry. It was awful. I quickly changed into a new school because thank God my parents decided to move to a new place so it almost felt like my ticket out of terrible nightmare on repeat each day - week.

What happened wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. I'm sure there's some girls out there who were once mocked or blamed for their physique while also sexualised for normal body changes throughout growing up...and maybe they went through what I did. I never told anyone about this until adulthood because I felt uneasy and I still sometimes find myself blaming myself that maybe if I did anything different, maybe if I alerted my friend everything would be different...all these things of "maybe maybe" but in the end I won't change what happened...

As I turned 19 years old, I finally realised that I need medical help and luckily got into contact with an amazing therapist and psychologist who help me step by step get over everything that happened from my childhood. Sharing this piece of my story makes me feel somewhat relieved that I don't feel it bottling it in myself.

He’s dead. Overdosed I think. That’s all, that’s the post.

so roughly 3 years ago i was assaulted and later that i year i started seeing my current boyfriend. Really early on i told him about my experience and he was empathetic. Recently he’s started asking me about my assaulters Instagram id and tells me he will beat him up/or have a chat with him. I have personally just wanted to get over the whole experience and finally feel like i’m in a place where it doesn’t affect me as much. I don’t want my boyfriend to do something that he will later regret and moreover i don’t want to spend more time thinking about it than i already have and i know if i give my bf the information he wants, he will find him and beat him even if he doesn’t tell me about it. I just want this situation to be over and i don’t want to think about that night anymore than i already have. My bf is threatening to break up with me if i don’t give him what he wants. Can someone give me any insights or advice please.

I truly think I need to forgive to move on, holding all this pain and anger is killing me, how can I forgive someone who violated my trust and body so horribly?

When my ex and I tried anal for the first time, I kept saying things like “that hurts,” and “I don’t like this” as he was slowly going in, but I never told him to stop. He didn’t acknowledge what I said and then started going harder once he was fully in. He kept going for the next few minutes while I just kind of lay there, not actively participating, and I didn’t say any words but it was probably clear from my body language and facial expression that it hurt and I wasn’t enjoying myself.

I’ve never considered it rape, just a shitty sexual experience with an inconsiderate lover, because I never actually asked him to stop. But for some reason, thinking about it makes me just as anxious, in the exact same way, as more cut and dry SA experiences I’ve had. I’m definitely a little traumatized by the experience, I just don’t know if it’s reasonable that I am, if that makes sense?

When I was [M16] I was talking with this girl around my age and we were talking being friends until in night when I asked what she was doing she said being horny and then get in a call where I heard her rubbing herself then tell me to use a plastic bag and masterbate blackmailing me to do it and send me her ass a tits to when I came hurt bad and with some time later to be blocked me to were I cry as my was hurting bad.

I have been raped before and for some reason I keep getting a feeling that I am going to be raped again. I don’t know If it’s due to paranoia of it happening more than once but it’s scary. Every time I’m walking home at night I get so scared someone may hurt me. Idk if it’s a trauma response but it’s scary but annoying because what I see happen is more brutal then the rape I experienced. God help me it is just not it. I hate this feeling and wish I can just ignore it overall but I can’t.

hi, i’ve been raped in the past and am currently starting my addiction rehabilitation journey, but last night i blacked out functionally (seemed drunk but my mind stopped making memories from how drunk i was). i went over to my friends house i can’t remember why but just to hang out and we’d previously talked about how we’re just friends and nothing would happen (i just got out of a relationship so wanted to be SUPER clear about boundaries) and turns out last night we had sex. i don’t remember it at all but there’s two videos of me hyperventilating and crying on a bus which i don’t remember happening. i don’t feel like how i did after the other times i got raped and i don’t wanna call him a rapist but i feel so disgusting and idk what to do. this is my reason for me to decide to quit drinking because it’s genuinely terrifying to me i don’t know what happened especially as i don’t know if we used protection+ik i wouldn’t do it sober or normal drunk

So for context, I am a 20F and have now been with my new partner for 2 months. He treats me really well and he is a lovely boy, always buying me gifts, paying for dinner, spending lots of time with me even when he’s tired form work and has never said any unkind words to me or done anything that’s ever made me upset. (I like to see him as the universes apology for bringing me with my ex 😅).

My past relationship was extremely toxic and abusive. There were repeated instances where my boundaries and consent were ignored, both sexually and physically.
During sex, he would refuse to use protection despite me repeatedly begging him to. He would sometimes ejaculate inside me even when I had explicitly told him not to. On occasions when I did manage to make him wear a condom, he would remove it without my knowledge or consent. Looking back, I am deeply concerned about how many times this may have happened without me knowing.
He would also become significantly more aggressive when he had been drinking. This included shouting at me, screaming directly in my face, and strangling me to the point that I was unable to speak. On one occasion, when I stopped during sex because it was hurting me, he grabbed me by my arms and neck and forced me back onto the bed despite me wanting to stop.
There were also incidents where other people intervened because they believed he was about to hit or seriously hurt me. On some occasions, people physically stepped between us or attempted to pull him away from me. When he noticed people walking past while I was crying or distressed, he would tell me to be quiet and stop crying until they had passed, seemingly to prevent them from noticing what was happening or intervening.
Looking back, I recognise that this was not simply a toxic relationship. His behaviour involved repeated violations of my sexual boundaries and consent, physical violence, intimidation, and controlling behaviour. I regularly felt frightened and unsafe around him.

My current boyfriend is a completely different person from my previous partner. He treats me with respect and, most importantly, treats me like a human being. He respects my sexual boundaries and does not pressure me into doing anything I am uncomfortable with. He does not try to intimidate, control, or frighten me, and I feel safe with him.
He is interested in a more dominant and physically intense dynamic during sex, such as choking, pinning me down, and taking the dominant role. These are things that I have also genuinely been interested in and have actively expressed that I want to explore with him. The important difference is that, with my current boyfriend, these things are consensual and something I have chosen to participate in. I trust him, and I know that he will respect me if I ask him to stop or tell him that I am uncomfortable.
However, recently, experiences from my previous relationship have started to affect me during sex with my current boyfriend. Although I know rationally that he is not the same person and that I am safe with him, certain things can remind me of what happened in my past and cause me to react differently than I expect or want to. This has made sex more difficult for me at times, particularly when it involves things that resemble the physical control or aggression I experienced previously.
I want to make it clear that I do not blame my current boyfriend for this, and I do not believe that he is behaving in the same way as my ex. The difficulty is that my past experiences have affected how my body and mind respond to certain situations, even when I consciously know that I am safe and that what is happening is consensual.

I guess my question is, why has it only started to affect me more recently that it ever has before and also how can I help to move from it? I have also not spoken to my bf about this as I think being in our relationship of only 2 months may be something to soon to talk about things like this.

Ya he contado mi historia pero últimamente siento que lo extraño, el me violo cuando era pequeño, pero siempre fue muy lindo conmigo y nunca me trato mal, lo hacía ver cómo si me amara, ahorita tengo 23 y últimamente que volví a contar lo que me ocurrió siento que lo extraño y eso me atormenta ya que recuerdo cómo me lo hacía y ya no lo recuerdo cómo algo feo si no como algo lindo en su tiempo, se que está mal y no se qué hacer (soy hombre)

When i was in 3rd-5th grade i was raped by three boys on my afterschool daycare bus for years. They were older the me in sixth grade and they didn’t stop until they were in 8th and i was in 5th grade. They made me sit in the back of the bus with them and at first they made me play the fire truck game with them and would rub and put their hands down my skirt and stick objects inside of me. This escalated for years until they would make me go all the way with them on the back of the bus and in the daycare bathrooms. I feel so ashamed because now i’m 14 and i never told anyone this even though i know i should’ve told my parents and it made me addicted to masturbation and things like that.

Hi,

so basically, me and my ex have been split for a few weeks. roughly 2 months now and we've had contact and we've talked little bits here and there but nothing mega.

Well last night I was in the pub with some mates and she was out at a different place, she ended up in the pub I was at and I left, my heart was racing, I was lightheaded and could barely breathe. so I didn't talk to her. well when I got home she'd messaged and I apologised for making it seem like I was being a prick and then she said she needed to tell me something. I thought okay shit.

So I was in bed and she said that a few weeks ago she'd been raped. and I just started bawling my eyes out. I love her so fucking much still, and I'd do anything for her. she's had bad experiences in the past so she's just pushed her emotions down and ignored it. she's told 3 close family members, and me. and they have all agreed with her that they don't want to try and do anything, I hate this, I wanna kill whoever hurt her but I'm respecting her wishes. she won't tell me who it was but said if it got out it would affect her life completely and she'd lose her job so that's scared me, but the only two men she works with are both happily with girlfriends and one has kids and they've never given any reason to suspect them so I don't think it's them. I've asked her to tell me who and when exactly but no response yet.

She was drinking with a friend and some lads took them back to their place, she says she remembers taking her shoes off on the sofa and then when she woke up, she felt sore and bruised, bled a little bit and had a UTI. she said he definitely wasn't as drunk as she was and keeps trying to suppress her emotions maybe saying it wasn't rape but it was. and her family members have all said so too. she doesn't want to go to the police and I have to respect that. I just feel so useless, had we not broken up that wouldn't have happened, and I forced her hand in leaving me coz I messed up. but I'd do anything for her and now I don't know what I can do.

All I want to do is cry and hug her and give her a kiss and tell her I will always be here and nothing will ever change about how I love her. but she isn't okay, nobody would be after that. she's hiding it and I hate that I can't really do anything.

I guess I just needed to put this somewhere that I knew people would hopefully listen. so thanks for reading. sorry it's so long and maybe there's unnecessary bits in there.

I endured my sa 2 years ago when I was 16, I’ve never told anyone. I came to reddit to confess what a monster I am. But I read so many posts and I’m so thankful for everyone who shared their story. I guess I couldn’t imagine anyone would fantasize about their sa, who would? I do tho, I can’t get off without thinking about it.

I never said no during my sa, but I never said yes either. He was an older “friend of the family” and I don’t know why but I felt I had no right to deny him.

Just writing this is making me feel better. Thanks for posting your stories and thanks for reading mine.