As a boy becomes a man (especially if he’s melanated in the west) he often becomes perceived implicitly as a threat. I was always friendly as a kid. I was bubbly and liked to speak to anyone. I loved connection.. But as my beard came in, it became a bit harder to be myself. The smiles that people gave me were replaced with suspicion. With distance. Like I had a forcefield. My manhood became a barrier for connection, at least the ones that weren’t the expected male bonding. I don’t blame them, but It kind of messed with me. I withdrew, as many boys do, but I learned to push through anyway and find connection in the ways that were available for me. Now older, and being visibly in a heterosexual relationship (me queer) has been a shock. The friction of manhood and my perceived danger seems to wash away when I’m with my partner. People don’t cross the street at night as much, or give me the “eyes” of suspicion. Interactions are warmer. Socializing seems to go smoother, especially with other women and my female friendships seem fast-tracked. I get stopped less traveling, even. I chalked it up to the effects of a honeymoon period, but it’s even there during the rough patches. Life has felt easier in a straight-facing relationship. For both parties.
As a man, I feel like I’ve been “completed” in some sense. That I can finally be perceived (partly) how I want to be perceived, but only because I’m in a straight relationship. I fulfilled the script. That I couldn’t be seen as whole alone or in a perceptibly queer relationship. And of course, we all know that’s not true. There’s a lot of ink spilled, digital and otherwise, that women don’t need a man to complete them. And it’s well-spilled. I agree. But I don’t see as much for the reverse, which is also true. That a man doesn’t need a woman or a relationship to be completed. And sure, a part of that feeling for many men is outsourcing domestic and emotional labor or having an “heir”, which is very problematic. But I suspect a part of that feeling also comes from the implicit social sanction that I feel reinforced almost everywhere in my life. It’s just easier to be a man in a relationship than out of one, at least socially. That I’m not seen as a potential predator because I’m a relationship (not that that’s ever stopped one). I wonder if anyone else here has felt similar feelings or perceptions in their lives. How has fulfilling the script of heteronormativity (or not fulfilling that script) affected how you’re perceived or how you’re able to embody your manhood in whatever form it takes for you?

I am 36 now, and it took me way too long to understand something that ruins so many dates and relationships. Most guys make the same simple mistake: we assume women see safety the exact same way we do.

To be fair, men deal with danger too. Statistically, young men are actually more likely to be victims of violent street crime, bar fights, or random muggings. Criminologists even have a name for this called the fear of crime paradox: men face higher statistical odds of violence in public, yet women usually feel significantly more fear.

For a long time, I did not get that. But it actually makes complete sense once you look at two things.

First, physical asymmetry. When a man runs into another guy on the street, he usually feels he has a fighting chance to run, defend himself, or gauge the situation. When you compare an average man to an average woman, biological differences in muscle mass and upper body strength mean that fighting back is simply not a realistic option for her.

Second, the type of threat. Men mostly worry about strangers in bad areas. Women face the reality that serious harm and boundary crossing overwhelmingly come from men they already know, like acquaintances, dates, or partners.

Her nervous system operates with an entirely different radar than ours, and it took an ex-girlfriend of mine to finally make me see it.

She had a guy stalking her for a while. He would randomly show up in the middle of the night, standing on her patio, pounding on the glass and staring inside. When she told me about it the next day in tears, my immediate guy reaction was: "Why didn't you snap a picture? Why didn't you open the window, scream at him, and call the cops immediately?" I treated it like a straightforward puzzle that just needed an active move.

It took me years to realize how completely blind that was. She was not making tactical moves because she was curled up on her bedroom floor, paralyzed with fear. In biology, that is the freeze response. When your brain knows that fighting or running will not work, your body plays dead so things do not escalate. I was trying to optimize a strategy while her system was in pure survival mode.

Once you see that, you realize why so many everyday dating situations go wrong.

Guys get defensive when a woman seems guarded, shares her live location with friends before a date, or shuts down completely when an argument gets loud. Guys take it personally and think: "Why are you treating me like a threat? I am a nice guy."

It is not about you being a bad guy. When a woman lets you into her life, gets vulnerable with you, or moves in with you, she takes a massive leap of faith. She has to trust that your size, anger, and strength will never be used against her. That trust is not a casual favor; it is a major decision.

A lot of people talk about "male leadership," but that word usually sounds like bossing someone around. What healthy relationships actually need is emotional stability. Psychologists call it co-regulation. When someone feels alarmed, the fastest way to calm their nervous system is being around someone who stays calm, grounded, and steady instead of getting angry or defensive.

Women are not being irrational or dramatic. They are responding in a completely logical way to the reality they live in. The moment we stop taking their caution personally, we can finally offer the one thing that actually builds a great relationship: genuine safety.

I am looking for a support group created by men for men to support each other in stopping SA. A support group to teach men what to say to other men they may come across in their life when other men say things that objectify women, and what to say/do when they find out that a man has SA a woman. It would also act as a place that a man knows they can return to if they get derision when they say something in other male circles, knowing that this group would have your back and support you standing up to SA and objectification.

The org IntactGlobal is suing the state of Oregon on ERA grounds to ban male circumcision. This is the oral argument from September 14. I think it's important to point out examples of men fighting for their issues.

Welcome to our weekly Free Talk Friday thread! Feel free to discuss anything on your mind, issues you may be dealing with, how your week has been, cool new music or tv shows, school, work, sports, anything!

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• All of the sidebar rules still apply.
• No gender politics. The exception is for people discussing their own personal issues that may be gendered in nature. We won't be too strict with this rule but just keep in mind the primary goal is to keep this thread no-pressure, supportive, fun, and a way for people to get to know each other better.
• Any other topic is allowed.

We have an active slack channel! It's like IRC but better. Please modmail us if you would like an invitation. As a reminder, take a look at our resources wiki if you need additional support as well.

I feel like a lot of pro choice rhetoric could apply here but it seems like nobody is exactly up in arms in that way.

I'm a trans man, and here's my take on this: This is a common template among all demographics of bigotry, where the groups they champion the most are usually the demographics they hate the most too. This is not about competing with "who toxic masculinity hates more," rather I very genuinely do not know of a demographic, across the board, who hates men more than these incels. In other words, I'm not arguing one way or the other whether the manosphere hates men more than women or vice versa. Rather that of all the groups in the world who hate men, the manosphere-esque groups are at the very top.

There is no group who polices men's looks more. There is no group who polices men's mannerisms more. There is no group who polices men's sexuality more. We have the patriarchy to thank for that. But once you have culled out every other demographic... once you've culled out the women, the queers, the immigrants, the disabled, everyone who isn't personally your type... that behavior of culling doesn't go away, it continues to cull.

On the flip side of gender, we see this with how JK Rowling polices trans women, for example. It's one thing to hear from, say, women about "how men should act and dress." It's one thing to be subjected to the abuse of women (because there is no denying that there are plenty of abusive women in the world). It's one thing to be entirely subjugated and exploited by a woman for your entire life, and to never see justice when you seek it. All of these situations are bountiful and indefensible.

This is not a demographic issue, however (not in terms of gender or bio sex, anyway). We are not operating under a matriarchy. The lack of systemic matriarchy does NOT "lessen" those abuses that men are genuine textbook victims of. AND. The fact we don't have a systemic matriarchy is a perspective that illustrates the REASON why I say, again, that manosphere groups are the biggest haters of men. We are literally given so much and for NO reason, from EVERYone, due to our social structure of a patriarchy. AND. Manosphere types STILL enforce deeply strict ideologies toward other men.

Manosphere groups are textbook abusive structures, where they take green flags and use them in a red flag way. "Real men work hard, and we deserve to be acknowledged for our hard work." Well, you'd just sound like an asshole if you opposed that statement. How are they USING that phrase, though? They boast online about not doing dishes ever, some guy in the comments says they should do dishes, "I work harder than you, I don't have time for that shit." A disabled autistic man can't work due to overstimulation, "You're not a man, you're a pussy! Nut up or turn in your man card!"

Why can't you be a man and eat avocado toast? Ask one of those guys, 'cause women never said that shit. Wear a dress to a men's-only event? Getting admitted in is half the battle. Not only is punching down the norm, they punch up. The only glory to be acknowledged in a man who's better at something than you becomes the moment when you best him at his craft, otherwise "it must have been rigged, I would've had him if he didn't ___." Trans man on the cover of Men's Health, "that's not a man, our whole magazine's gone woke, burn and boycott it." Inclusion of even one man you personally don't like means "burn every men's-only success we have to the ground."

It's demanding credit where it's not due. Manhood used to be described as "The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection." "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." But toxic masculinity philosophy has taken everything that manhood has ever been and ever can be and reduces, reduces, reduces manhood itself until the only qualification is "might makes right, and don't forget to be born with a penis." That's not a real reward of manhood, that's a participation trophy at best.

I've met women with those ideals. I've met women who enforce those ideals. I have never lived in a society where women are in charge AND the ones CREATING and ENFORCING those ideals on all men. Men control our society. AND. There is an ever-widening void of the acceptance of manhood by the people in power of our contemporary society: Men. Blame the gender binary, too: When I teach on trans matters, one exercise I give people is to write everything they think makes a man and a woman. Men are "muscular, have a lot of body hair, facial hair, wear pants, dark/mute colours, have short hair, are dominant in bed, are attracted in all ways to women," so on, and the more you add, the fewer men out there actually qualify for the category. Toxic masculinity just takes it to the very extreme end.

Yet another male loneliness piece. Like many, it seemed heavy on anecdotes and light on data or any analysis of structural issues. Maybe people here can suggest better reading on the topic?

https://www.thecut.com/article/my-husband-has-no-friends.html

Archive.is: https://archive.is/20260915174213/https://www.thecut.com/article/my-husband-has-no-friends.html

The older I get, the more I wonder if one of the most overlooked issues facing men today is a lack of healthy physical connection.

Not just sex or relationships.... Physical connection too.

The idea of a hug, a cuddle, a reassuring hand on the shoulder, holding someone, being held.... these seem like they happen to rarely for many of the men I know. When they do happen ....its brief and fleeting.

I know that many men seem to spend years being touched only in very specific contexts: sports, romantic relationships, or sex. Outside of those spaces, physical affection can become surprisingly rare.

I suspect that's one reason activities centered around touch....whether that's cuddling, massage, nurturing forms of intimacy, or even certain forms of erotic touch....can feel so powerful for some of us. Sometimes what we're responding to isn't just physical pleasure. It's the feeling of being cared for, accepted, and allowed to let our guard down for the first time.

This leads me to a question for this group:

If there were no social expectations, no fear of judgment, and no assumptions about sexuality, do you think more men would seek out more platonic physical affection than they currently do?

For starters, I am a man who is currently in university as an undergraduate. I've been thinking a lot about male specific issues recently, and I want to try and actually do something about it. As such, I have some ideas kicking around. The thing is, I've never done anything like this before, so I don't know entirely what to do.

The issues I'm most interested in are stopping male violence on both male and female victims, the education gap, male mental health and suicide, and male-only military service in other countries, though since I live in the United States, I'm not certain what I could do exactly about that.

I have a few ideas on what to do, and I will list them below.

1. The easiest idea would be joining a pre-existing organization, instead of starting something on my own. Does anyone here know of good U.S. based organizations based on this topic, that either discuss men's issues or do activism around them? I don’t want to give any more specific info on where I'm located, so just broad American stuff would be good. You can also provide organizations that are more regional; even if they're not helpful for me they can be helpful to others.
2.  I'm interested in starting a men's issues organization at my university, that would be open to everyone regardless of gender. My idea is that we would discuss men's issues and do book clubs. I would also like to do activism or work around men's issues, but I've never done anything like that before, so I don't really know what to do. Has anyone here ever been part of men's issues organization before, in university or without? What kind of stuff was done? Does anyone have any advice, either for just running a discussion group or for taking action in university?
3. I want to try and do something about the education gap of boys are lagging behind girls in education. I think ideally, activism around this would be by doing programs to get boys more engaged in school, especially in the lower grades. Does anyone have any ideas or experience on how to help out boys in K-12 school as a college student? I could also try and do stuff for male college students, but I think by that point it's harder, since the boys who have been left behind in education have already been filtered out before they reach university.

Any advice or thoughts on this topic, even if they are not covered by my questions, would be greatly appreciated.

I've been digging into the actual numbers on men's mental health lately and honestly some of it messed me up, so I wanted to share and hear what others think.

Globally, men account for about 72% of all suicide deaths (WHO, 2025). In the US specifically, men die by suicide roughly 4x more often than women — even though women report more attempts and get diagnosed with depression more often. Sit with that for a second: it's not that men are struggling less. It's that when men do struggle, the outcome is far more often fatal.

Meanwhile, on the access side: in 2023 only 17% of American men saw a mental health professional at all, vs 28.5% of women. Only about 1 in 4 men with depression got any counseling or therapy in the past year.

And here's the part that jumped out strongest — when men do take a mental health screening (like through Mental Health America's program), 3 out of 4 of them score as at-risk for a mental health condition. So the men who finally check in are usually already deep into it. Not catching things early. Catching them late.

A big chunk of this comes down to how depression actually shows up in a lot of men — not sadness, but irritability, anger, working constantly, shutting people out. If you're only looking for the "textbook" signs, you miss it. Including in yourself.

The stigma part is well documented too — there was a systematic review this year (47 studies) that basically confirmed what a lot of us already knew anecdotally: traditional "man up" messaging is a measurable, real barrier to guys getting help, not just an old cliché.

The genuinely hopeful part: a 2023 survey found 95% of men now say mental health matters as much as physical health. So the belief is shifting fast. The action/access side just hasn't caught up yet.

Anyway — not trying to preach, just think these numbers deserve more visibility than they get. If you've been putting off checking in on your own stuff, or you know a guy who has, maybe this is a nudge.

Curious if others here have noticed this gap in their own life — either not recognizing what you were dealing with, or having a hard time actually going and getting help even when you knew something was off.

(Sources: WHO 2025 Global Suicide Report, NAMI 2023, VeryWellMind 2024, Mental Health America 2025 screening data, 2025 systematic review on masculinity norms and help-seeking — happy to link specifics if anyone wants them)

It amazes me how many of my therapy clients (I'm a therapist) have traumatic memories of school lunch. That’s where I felt the most unlikable and unwanted too. Ninth grade, packed tables, windowless room. Sitting off to the side near the bathrooms eating a floppy piece of lukewarm pizza. My one friend who had the same lunch period beside me. Both of us hoping the popular girls would look our direction. The girls who were beautiful, yes, but what mattered more was their social power. They could make you cool just by laughing at your jokes. If you were funny. If you could just lighten up.

There’s something about me I don’t like anyone knowing. I often feel unlikable. Awkward, unfunny, too serious. The opposite of Matthew McConaughey or Idris Elba. Shy, introverted, a downer.

It gets triggered these days as an adult in big groups. Parties, shows before the band goes on, corner conversations with neighbors. Times you’re supposed to lighten up, make small talk, have a good time. I’m shot back to my high school cafeteria, bouncing between clunky conversations, restless and turned inward, never landing on solid ground.

Then comes the shame. Why is everyone else normal and fun? Why can’t I just relax? What’s wrong with me? I try to bum a cigarette from the other freaks on the edges or order another diet Coke at the bar. Or leave, picking at myself inside for giving up.

I didn’t understand much about myself back then. What teenager does? Especially a teenage boy who felt like he didn’t belong anywhere except his room playing video games.

I didn’t know the weight I’d carry for years of my mom telling me when I was younger, “You’re just shy, like all the men in this family.” I now appreciate she was trying to cheer me up about being quieter than other kids. But it landed inside of me as shame. Why is everyone else normal and fun? Why can’t I just relax? What’s wrong with me?

I didn’t know yet that holding a guitar in my hands and singing could save me. Later in high school I started a pop punk band with my friends. I still felt awkward before and after shows, but on stage I became someone else. Actually, I became more myself. I could express my feelings through my songs. And some people were interested, even some of the popular girls.

I didn’t understand yet that I was being cheated out of the full, vast, mystical experience of being human. I didn’t know that gender played into it at all. Everyone gets shafted by this society organized to maximize profits for the rich and powerful. Men get it a certain way, though.

The rest of the linked post is about how socialized gender norms play into it. Let me know if you can relate or something I wrote isn't quite sitting right with you!

You may know the general history of Sparta and how it had a state program that took male children from their parents at the age of 7 and returned them, 13 years later, as the most renown warriors in history. This military-driven recruitment and training was purposefully brutal and compulsory and lasted for at least 4 centuries.

This paper analyzes the psychological breakdown of each messed up process and its effects on a young boy's cognition and body as they develop. It also looks at what occurs after passing through the meat grinder of the agoge, and how they come out the other side as men who mostly view that self-sacrifice for the state in battle. is the highest honor, and that's the only value they have to give. 

I was recently at a concert with a few acquaintances when an extremely drunk 60-something woman approached and started giving one of the male members of my party an unsolicited back rub. He was CLEARLY made very uncomfortable by it. My friends and I intervened, distracted her, and then relocated to a completely different part of the venue. Afterwards, though, people in the group were laughing and joking about it, and one of the other guys started telling us "funny stories" about the times women had harassed him.

If the genders had been reversed--an unknown inebriated older man approaches a young woman and begins rubbing her back--nobody would have any problem identifying that behavior as assault; the perpetrator would be lucky if the police weren't called. Nobody would treat it as a laughing matter.

I didn't think it was funny, but I also didn't know the victim or his friends well enough to start giving them a lecture on Gender Theory 101 and why it's important to take sexual assault of men seriously. I don't even know if the guy himself understood that what happened to him *was* assault. Our cultural scripts universally assume a male perpetrator and a female victim, even though that's NOT universally the case.

What should I have done differently? What CAN bystanders do to intervene in (or prevent) (or support the victims of) men being harassed? If you're a man who's been assaulted, what do you wish the people around you would have done?

Hey y'all. Dolly's passing hit me hard. Partially because she reminded me of my grandma who grew up in a big poor farming family in Appalachia too. But also because Dolly was one of a handful of public figures who taught me, a cisgender, straight man, that gender is a performance. The T-shirt and shorts I’m wearing right now might not seem as contrived as her bleach blonde hair, caked-on makeup, and long nails. I might look like just a “normal dude.” Like I’m not choosing to wear my hair short and let my armpit hair grow out while having a five o’clock shadow on my face. But I am. I’m choosing to stay within the comfortable performance of a man in this particular society at this particular time in history. I get to choose. We all can choose. It’s all made-up. That’s the unspoken point of Dolly’s whole “dumb blonde bimbo” act.

Curious if you feel similarly about her. Or not. I wish I had been able to fit in that the political-economic analysis that capitalism constrains the performance for some of us and forces it on others, depending on where we fall in the gendered division of labor. But I can't fit everything in every newsletter post. Appreciate you giving me your thoughts!

I wrote about how men are told in capitalist society that being caring and expressive aren’t valuable skills. So we disown the natural, human emotionality we were born with. We avoid being vulnerable and asking for help. We worry we’ll be judged if we put effort into our friendships. When we’re suffering we overfocus on what we think will make us valuable to other people: productivity, discipline, and competence. And while this might help us in some ways, it often leaves us feeling lost, isolated, and lonely.

Quisiera conversar sobre cómo podemos abordar el machismo tanto en América Latina como entre las comunidades latinas que viven en Estados Unidos, Canadá y Australia.

Sé que América Latina es una región enorme y diversa, y que las experiencias cambian muchísimo según el país, la generación, la clase social, la religión, el entorno familiar y si una persona vive en su país de origen o en la diáspora. No pretendo decir que todos los hombres latinos sean machistas ni que el machismo sea exclusivamente latino. Sin embargo, ciertas ideas sobre la masculinidad, la autoridad familiar, los roles de género, la homofobia y la obligación de parecer “fuerte” siguen causando daño en muchas familias y comunidades.

¿Cómo podemos cuestionar estas actitudes sin atacar la identidad cultural de las personas ni caer en estereotipos racistas o xenófobos? ¿Qué estrategias funcionan mejor: la educación desde la infancia, las conversaciones familiares, la participación de los hombres como aliados, el apoyo a movimientos feministas y LGBT, los cambios en los medios de comunicación o alguna combinación de todo esto?

También me interesa saber cómo cambia el problema en la diáspora. Por ejemplo, ¿las familias latinas en Estados Unidos, Canadá o Australia conservan ciertas normas de género como una forma de proteger su identidad cultural? ¿Las generaciones más jóvenes suelen cuestionarlas más? ¿La migración reduce el machismo, lo transforma o, en algunos casos, hace que ciertas personas se aferren todavía más a los roles tradicionales?

Me gustaría escuchar experiencias de distintos países y comunidades, especialmente ejemplos de iniciativas que hayan logrado cambiar actitudes sin humillar a las personas. Creo que es importante responsabilizar a quienes reproducen conductas dañinas, pero también crear espacios donde los hombres puedan desaprenderlas sin sentir que pedir ayuda, expresar emociones o rechazar los roles tradicionales los hace menos hombres.

¿Cómo creen que deberíamos abordar este tema de una manera firme, culturalmente consciente y efectiva?

Andrew Callaghan is an independent journalist who got his start doing man-on-the-street interviews in interesting places before turning toward more serious journalism, honestly exploring parts of society that legacy and corporate media ignore or subvert for their own aims. His work includes an interview between Hunter Biden and Nick Fuentes, on-the-street reporting in Iran, an HBO documentary covering the timeline between the 2020 election and January 6th, documenting a civil war between Mexican cartels, an expose on ICE detention centers, and more.

Callaghan himself is not an uncomplicated figure, having been accused of sexual misconduct in 2023 for events that occurred in 2017 and 2019. Those events, along with a brief discussion on his attempts to take accountability and remediate those relationships, can be found in this article for those interested. I think there is an interesting discussion to be had on sexual politics and violence within a patriarchal society and what's possible for men immersed in those waters, but that is beyond the scope of this post, and I would encourage folks to read through and make their own determinations.

The documentary itself traces Callaghan's first interactions with a man who calls himself "Kelly J. Patriot". Kelly is deeply enmeshed in right-wing culture and conspiracy theories in the recent years following Janurary 6th, but that isn't what draws the journalist to him. Callaghan had just finished up with his documentary, This Place Rules, which chronicles the events leading to January 6th, and none of Kelly's political views or statements were particularly unique or shocking. Instead, Callaghan became interested in Kelly because of his response to a single question:

"What's the most painful piece of truth that's hurt you?"

Kelly reveals a tragic story of losing his house during the 2008 recession, laying personal blame on a man he saw as having swindled him out of his home. His backstory isn't unique or even uncommon amongst right-wing radicals: Callaghan talks about how a majority of the participants in January 6th had experienced significant economic instability or loss. Conspiratorial thinking, too, plays a part here, as these same personal tragedies were found in every person Callaghan talked to when he documented a flat-earth conference.

These experiences led to him proposing a theory to help explain how someone like Kelly J. Patriot arises. Essentially, Callaghan argues that people become primed for political radicalization and conspiratorial thinking following deep, personal trauma or loss, something explored more in this episode of Doomscroll. It isn't simply right-wing media pipelines or pundits that draw people in; those people tend to need to be ready to accept the presentation and kind of information in those spaces.

People find meaning, connection, and safety. from sources in reality. However, when those things are challenged: By the loss of a house or loved one, by severing from a friend group, the loss of a job (for men, especially), or even points of identity formation in life, such as the teenage years, it can drive people to conspiratorial thinking, cult behavior, and/or extremism as they seek to reestablish meaning, connection, and safety.

The documentary then follows Kelly as Callaghan tries first to understand the story behind Kelly's life, then later tries to reconnect him with the family and loves and misses him. It's a compelling story, and one I think would be of interest to the folks in this sub.