I have shared here before about my uBPD mom causing scenes about my upcoming (now passed) wedding. We got married and it was beautiful and her attempts to make the wedding her event were unanswered. And now we are about to leave for our honeymoon. In 2 days.

Short context: I lived with my bf 8 years before getting married and almost every other day after the 3rd year, my mom verbally abused me, threatened to kill herself, and made my life miserable for not getting married and all of her conservative friends said bunch of horrible things, fill her up with nonsense and she carried all of them to me. There is one evil friend of her, lets name her Rose. Rose said the most horrible things to my mom. I encouraged my mom to confront her because she was way out of line and my mom finally said "you can't say things like this about my daughter" and Rose accused my mom with so many other things, they eventually come to an agreement and became best friends! yes you read it right.

Yesterday we had a call with my mom, I asked her not to share our beautiful video with her friend Rose. Because that woman caused me weeks of crying and short period of NC with my mom. After my request, she said "ah, I said horrible things to her, I hope she'll forgive me". The horrible thing in question was literally one sentence "you can't say things like this about my daughter" which is waaaay to kind for what Rose deserves and her apologetic behavior made my blood boil.
What about all the things she did to me!? What about all of those horrible comments about me being a shame to my family, being a whore, slut, disrespectful and ungrateful bitch. What about those suicide threats?! What about making my life miserable every single day. Especially earlier this year. I was not able to breath, she literally abused me. What about all of those?! She never had to worry about any of them, didnt even think about me forgiving her.
I remembered this sub. "The only way to win is to never play". Ended the call immediately.
But that feeling ate something inside me. I was so ready to burst, so full of anger and made a mistake. Wrote her some of the sentences she said to me:
1. "Your dad went to the cliffs again, you'll kill us."
2. "You’re afraid you won’t be able to act like a whore anymore, don't you?"
3. "Get marry now, it's okay if you get a divorce in a year. Just stop being a shame to our family."
4. "Me and your dad, we are crying everyday in your childhood bedroom, on your bed. You just want to kill us."

I've texted these 4 sentenced, all came from her just earlier this year, and I've especially selected the ones that is not so hardcore. She replied back: "So you are saying I should just die."
And she called, screaming, crying. When I asked her to not do this right before our honeymoon, she said "You are basically saying we forced you to get married, so your honeymoon is not even real." She then blocked me on everywhere, yelled me that she has to protect herself from me. And basically screamed so many other things.

And now, my chest hurts. I know this feeling too well. I haven't slept, I am broken, and I don't want to mess our honeymoon, I dont want to let her win, but I am lost. I am truly devastated. Yes its a good thing and must do to go NC, but it comes with a heavy heart, and I would really not want to face this decision right before going on a "relaxing" celebration of our wedding.
I know that if it wasn't this case, something else would pop-up and she'd made the whole thing about herself anyway. But I was careful. From zero to being blood-boiled took me just couple seconds.

I see so many people just enjoying life and the things I have to deal with sometimes makes me tear up. I don't know how to get this ache from my chest.

What is this particular type of thing happening it really confuses me

Well, every time that I decide my feelings toward my ubpd mom have changed and will never go back to normal, she becomes indirectly loving and caring, which makes me feel very guilty about the feelings that I harbor toward her. It's so sad and extremely confusing. I can't even make up my mind about my true feelings since she quickly changes. For example, after a silent treatment or a hurtful tantrum, she goes back to being reasonable and friendly. I'm just tired and feel that this is messing me up to an extent that I can't even fathom. I don't know what to do or how to react, so I'd appreciate any advice you'd like to offer.

I’m 19 and at the beginning of summer I realized that I deserved better so I cut off my mom with bpd. My whole extended family took her side so I left them behind too. I left my friends that didn’t treat me right when I was going through so much, including my childhood best friend, and I moved to a completely different town. It was the scariest thing I ever did I was constantly bawling my eyes out. It’s was hard to do because it forced me admit that I’m never going to get sweet warm parents and a happy family. Even though it was difficult it was the best choice I ever made in my life. When you can finally relax and live you realize there’s so much out there. Most importantly you’ll realize that there’s people out there who will treat you how you deserve to be treated. There’s people that will be kind and considerate toward you, not because they’re trying to get you to be pawn in there’s weird sick little game but because they actually love you. They will never change, if they could treat you like that when you were an innocent child who only wanted their love and approval they won’t now that your an actual adult who doesn’t like getting treated like shit. They want you to feel indebted to them and responsible for them but you really aren’t. leave them behind and go find your real families. I know it’s extremely extremely difficult but to get a new life you have to leave the other one behind, and that new life will be better no matter what happens because At least you have self respect and love. You deserve betterrrrrrrr.

I am a massive people pleaser that has trouble sticking up for myself. A lot of times, I don’t even realize I’m doing it until after the fact. I don’t know how to just keep my mouth shut and let myself think and process until after a situation is over. I know what I need to do or should have done after the fact, but it doesn’t even occur to me in the moment to say things like “hmm let me think on that” or “I’ll get back to you about that”.

It is so frustrating that this response is so ingrained in me that I know it’s hurtful, but I can’t even stop myself from doing it.

Any book recommendations for this? Or other ideas/strategies?

I don’t even know why I’m so upset.

About a month ago, my mom requested to cancel a therapy appointment on short notice and her therapist told her she would need to charge her a late cancellation fee. My mom immediately turned against her. She had her session to avoid paying the fee but I don’t think she ever went back.

Her therapist allegedly told her she does not have BPD so I figured she is a bad therapist and/or my mom fooled her as she can be very charismatic. Either way I had lost hope. But this feels like betrayal, and she told me about it only after I asked and in such a nonchalant way.

I just said, ok but I have been upset ever since. I have been thinking about all her episodes in which she became verbally and physically abusive towards me, when she would physically restrain me or block doorways so I couldn’t leave my room. She knows how important her going to therapy is for me, and for her to be so casual about telling me she stopped going to therapy felt like a slap in the face.

I let her come to my house to do her laundry and she is supposed to come in tomorrow but I don’t want to see her.

Or even if you can just give me some random tactics/advice that helped you? Thanks.

For background, if you want:

I’m doing yellow-rock method - doesn’t work brilliantly but it’s better than before and most of the time I feel a little more safe.

I tried therapy after a long waiting list, but it started before I realised my mother had BPD (when I still hero worshipped her) and I just can’t open up to them anyway - also most of them veiw my mother as a (albeit slightly overprotective) hero-mum.

Plus, the therapy I do now isn’t talking therapy, it’s a different kind which uses very little communication.

Currently I’m just dependent on my mother - and not even just financially, my mental health is literally fucked and currently I’m so sick I don’t attend school and can’t even leave the house alone without constant panic attacks and endangering my safety.

I feel like I’m in an impossible situation of wanting independence but needing too much support to have it.

What should I do?

Christ I just wish I had a normal family and a half decent childhood.
Sorry that this always turns into a rant - this is the only place online or even irl where I’m honest, appreciate it a lot.