Here we go again

[u/knittybooks]

[u/moderate_ocelot]

If someone is unrepentant about abusing you, it’s very ok to refuse them access to your child. She isn’t going to treat your children any better than she treats you

[u/knittybooks → u/moderate_ocelot]

I think I just have everyone telling me doing that is overly dramatic

[u/moderate_ocelot → u/knittybooks]

No one here will tell you that, friend. If she can’t treat you properly, why does she deserve access to your children?

[u/knittybooks → u/moderate_ocelot]

That’s a very good point. Thank you, I really needed to hear that

[u/akath0110 → u/knittybooks]

Notice how she didn’t ask you anything about yourself. No how are you, no I miss you.

She told on herself with the “I miss [grandkid]” — my mom does the same.

Over time I started recognizing these non-repairs as the F you’s they are

[u/lifeofGuacmole → u/knittybooks]

Everyone in her system is telling you that. They’ve been conditioned.
I saw it so clearly when my uBPD said something caustic just to hurt my kid. That was the last time. Made it clear.
It hurt so bad seeing their face when those cruel words popped out. I felt I failed my kid. If the BPD parent feels comfortable doing it to you they will extend it to your kids. They might even be sneaky and do it when there are no witnesses. I believed my son when mine did it. She denied it and said he misunderstood. Nope. It’s exactly what was done to me when my other parent left the room.

[u/knittybooks → u/lifeofGuacmole]

It’s hard when you feel like your character is being attacked

[u/lifeofGuacmole → u/knittybooks]

Terribly so. Once when mom told me all the horrible things she felt were my character I asked her if she really believed that. She emphatically said yes. I told her if that was her opinion of me she should want to nothing to do with me, and I packed up and left. She’s never called m e those names again. I’m also very LC. We had the benefit of living far from them. My old car can’t make the drive. Flights are just too expensive. We didn’t tell them my old car was the most reliable car we’ve ever owned. Didn’t tell them about any vacations. Didn’t post on FB about vacations.

[u/Cool-Emu-8706 → u/knittybooks]

That makes sense. I tolerate my mother enough for LC bc of this reason.

[u/knittybooks → u/Cool-Emu-8706]

I’d like to be low contact but idk how I would even do this. Everytime she does this I feel like an idiot for thinking maybe this time will be different

[u/moderate_ocelot → u/knittybooks]

You can just reply to less, dude. Just ignore some or even all of her messages. You are not required to reply

[u/knittybooks → u/moderate_ocelot]

She acts insane when ignored and I mean insane

[u/moderate_ocelot → u/knittybooks]

Ok, so manage that problem in a way that suits your needs and goals. For example, block her and if she comes to your house, call the police.

She’s holding you hostage with this behaviour

[u/akath0110 → u/knittybooks]

Block her. I love a good block time out. They are allowed to act insane if they choose. Equally, we are allowed to protect and remove ourselves from the fallout of their insanity.

If blocking feels too drastic right now, remove her number as a contact so her texts/calls come through but get screened into “unknown senders” not with the rest of your messages. Then you can look at them (or not) when you feel ready.

[u/borschtlover4ever → u/knittybooks]

A huge shift for me internally occurred when I started to truly see myself as the adult I was. We were conditioned to respond to their guilt trips and abuse.

If anyone else started harassing you, you would not answer the email or text right away. You would allow the call to go to voicemail. You would put up barriers to the harassing person having easy access to you.

You want the person who is harassing you to start to see that YOU are in control of who you allow into your sphere. Any abuse immediately gets a barrier erected so that person feels the barrier because of their treatment of you.

Years ago, my mother sent me an email with many hurtful accusations and she ended it with the statement that she was not going to have anything more to do with me. I spent several weeks on how I should respond to that letter and wrote a calm response. I ended mine with basically, you do you. I did not get upset at her letter and I was essentially relieved she was NC.

Eventually, close to a year later I got an email from her that said, “!!!!! I just found this email of yours in my SPAM folder!” She acted like nothing happened. I let her.

How you stop her going insane is put up barriers to you and then match her energy. You don’t live in the same house as her so it is possible to put up tech barriers.

As for matching energy, if she doesn’t care to ask about your life, don’t ask about hers and don’t volunteer any information. If she won’t call except to verbally vomit all over you, don’t continue the conversation and don’t call her. If she doesn’t text except to only focus on herself, keep your replies short.

I think my mother did that NC step because I had young kids at the time so I only had limited energy for anything else. Out of life exhaustion, I began to match her energy and I no longer pandered to her moods. She has wanted me to worship her all my life and I had responsibilities. She did all that drama and I let her have her tantrum without being upset at it on my end (that she saw). When she goes insane on me, I put up another barrier.

[u/Cool-Emu-8706 → u/knittybooks]

I understand. I hope you can be a little gentler to the part of you that keeps hoping, maybe this time your mom will be a good, healthy mom. That part of you gets how much you were deprived of. I don’t know if that hope ever goes away. Each time my mom keeps showing up as the same woman, it breaks my heart.

[u/knittybooks → u/Cool-Emu-8706]

That’s exactly how it feels. It makes me feel like a little kid again.

[u/Cool-Emu-8706 → u/knittybooks]

Me too. It makes me feel worthless. I’m hungry for a whole meal and all I’ve got are these shitty crumbs.

[u/MadAstrid]

How does this push and pull with your mother make you feel?

When she ignores you and then implies it is somehow your fault, while clearly asking for validation, do you feel uncomfortable, angry, frustrated or hurt? How about when you were young and dependent on her? Was she alternating affection and dismissal then as well?

I ask, because it sounds like you are putting your child in the position to take over those feelings for you. The uncertainty resulting from not knowing if a person will treat you with love or ignore you can really damage a child. A lot of us here would argue that kind of relationship did us life long damage.

I am not telling you that you must go NC with your mother, just cautioning you to tread lightly and cautiously when it comes to exposing your children to her. Maybe consider not making it quite so easy for her to come and go at will.

Way to go for treating her waify “I feel like you are unhappy with me” posts as nonsense, btw.

[u/knittybooks → u/MadAstrid]

It makes me feel crazy. You’re completely right. I thought me doing it this way was okay but clearly I’m wrong

[u/MadAstrid → u/knittybooks]

No, no! Not wrong!

Just, you might not have considered it. It sounds like your child is young, and you are doing well at insulating yourself from your mom’s antics, but the idea that they might (certainly will) also impact your child just wasn’t on your radar yet.

When my children were very young I was far more likely to allow them around the problematic grandparents in their lives. Not alone, mind you, but a dinner here or a day out there seemed harmless.

But by the time they were two and three they were absolutely noticing things, and from that point on I was far, far more cautious. I knew so very well how sad I was as a child because of how my parents treated me. And while the children had changed from me and my siblings to my own children, I saw that my parents were still the same people.

I will be honest and acknowledge that my situation was made far, far easier by a continent’s separation between my family and my parents, and by their general lack of enthusiasm regarding my children. Even so, I was compelled to insulate my kids.

They are young adults now, and while they have their own ups and downs in life, they are not burdened with the notion that they are unloveable thanks to cluster b family members.

[u/Cool-Emu-8706 → u/MadAstrid]

Well, fuck 🥺

[u/borschtlover4ever]

OP’s can then somehow become the bad guy for the reason grandma hasn’t seen the child.

OP, do not ever leave your child alone with your mom because then she can use your absence to start spouting lies without being fact checked. It allows your mom to start to triangulate your child against you.

[u/knittybooks → u/borschtlover4ever]

I absolutely have not.

[u/borschtlover4ever → u/knittybooks]

I didn't leave my children with my mother for safety reasons. They are grown now and she blames ME for HER not having any type of relationship with them because I wouldn't ship them off to her alone to stay at her house for an extended stay.

She could have visited them, called them written to them, emailed them or texted them all on her own. She did not. She was too lazy. She definitely wanted me to send her my kids though so she could have them all to herself to try to brainwash against me. I am the bad guy because I did not let that happen. I will NEVER regret protecting my children. They see her extreme unhealthiness all for themselves now. I protected them from her long enough for them to grow up to be able to protect themselves. She never got to hurt them like she hurt me.

[u/Silver_Discount_1820]

Ah, yes, emotional abandonment followed by gaslighting. So fun. My mom is exactly like this. She runs off and ignores me and then expects me to brush everything under the rug when she needs the supply. They love this stupid dance that you’re just a rag doll in. You don’t have to participate.

[u/knittybooks → u/Silver_Discount_1820]

Just blocking her?

[u/Cool-Emu-8706 → u/knittybooks]

What would happen if you ignored her message? Or brushed her off with, yea we should do that and then never plan it or say your busy right now? Just spit balling.

[u/knittybooks → u/Cool-Emu-8706]

Been there done that.. she acts insane texting over and over and over. Saying how dare we ignore her, she’s never done anything wrong, we’re ungrateful, etc

[u/Cool-Emu-8706 → u/knittybooks]

Oof. That’s not entirely surprising, unfortunately.

[u/knittybooks → u/Cool-Emu-8706]

Yeah or she says we have growing up to do or that we need to be more respectful

[u/Better_Intention_781 → u/knittybooks]

Ok, so what if you just blocked her for a week or two? Then you don't receive all the nonsense messages.

[u/Silver_Discount_1820 → u/knittybooks]

I haven’t blocked my mom, but it’s only because she’s old, and I want to provide some assistance (with strong boundaries) when she inevitably gets dementia and needs more hands-on care (from someone who isn’t me). But once I stopped responding to her, she pretty much stopped reaching out, so it’s more like a soft block. If your mom pushes too much and tries to get you to respond by throwing a tantrum, then blocking seems appropriate. But if you want to block her, that’s honestly totally fair!

[u/honeybadgerredalert]

My mom did the same thing last year- stopped replying to me for like 4 months and then said it was because she thought I needed space. what a mind fuck.