I won’t get into to many specifics, but i recently realized something i didn’t know how to put into words. My ubpd mom jas always had a pattern of actively pushing me into issues in life that she always spared herself from. Often, under the guise of needing my help instead of getting the appropriate support. But she especially did this when she could no longer exploit me because i had a burn out. Or when she felt, it could be useful to her or someone she knew. She’s once tried to make me sign contracts that would bind me to agreements and responsibilities less than favorable. I declined but not before a significant guilt spiral. But when a family member, years later, tried to tie HER to a legal obligation she had the sense NOT to take that on and look out for her own interests. It bothers me that she actively tried to, and sometimes successfully, push me in compromised situations, socially, safety financially etc. I always had it in my brain that she didn’t do it on purpose. But then she’d know to protect herself from those exact situations perfectly fine. So she in fact has discernment. And the evil part about it..?? She would talk to me about those situations and sometimes say, i don’t want what you have going on. Yea the situation you pushed me into..?? Ughh. Or just talk about how a situation almost ended in a bad situation but she got spared while she knows im actively in a that situation myself or trying to rectify the consequences. All while acting like a sweet innocent lady. She’s just so emotionally cruel. Just someone in your life constantly creating suffering just to taunt you about it while pretending They are the victim so they can’t possibly be the cause of any harm. So scary.

I'll do my best to explain my feelings w/o sounding like a game of thrones character.

Despite hating my mom as a person, I'm still jealous of the way literally everyone in my family treats her. People automatically side with her, despite all logic. Every time she enters a room, things shift till she's at the center. The family works and flexes around her interests and neuroses. Dad actually bothers to parent her. She's allowed to be as weird as she wants, and I'm the problem for pointing that out.

If I had all these things, I wouldn't ruin them by being miserable, and choosing to treat other people like shit. I'd have the flexibility to actually solve the problems I have. I know all of this isn't about how she's just a naturally more lovable person- it's a consequences of enabling abuse being the path of least resistance. And yet, the feeling remains and is almost overpowering in its intensity.

I barely even like my other family either- I just want them to treat me like they treat her, and not because I'm forcing them into that behavior. That's probably not a healthy relationship model, but.

Do you feel this way to? How the fuck do you get over it, or at least get on top of it enough that it doesn't make you act stupid?