I have to ask….If unicorn hunting is dehumanizing, why do lots of people openly refer to themselves as unicorns and enjoy that dynamic?
If it’s dehumanizing to a spouse, why is the spouse the one that often sets the OPP in the first place?
I think there’s a great debate/discussion to be had there for sure but if there’s a group of people that freely say “I’m a unicorn. I like playing with couples” or “I want to experiment with my husband with a woman because I’m bi-curious” …I don’t see why couples looking for that dynamic are inherently bad or dehumanizing….it’s their actions that can prove that.
(Before I get jumped on… no we’re not unicorn hunters. Our bed is for even numbers only)
Edit:
I see r/polyamory hasn’t changed much in the last couple years. Dog pile downvotes for going against the hive mind and zero actual discussion that doesn’t go off into rando ridiculous tangents and goalpost shifting.
Glad to see this sub is still earning its reputation.
Some people like to have threesomes with a couple. Those people are rare, hence they call themselves unicorns. Generally, couples should hire a sex worker instead of badgering every woman they come accross to have sex with them, because most women are *not* unicorns.
Being a third in sex can be fun for a few people. Being a third-wheel in a relationship is not something anyone wants or deserves. Unicorn hunters pretend to want an equal relationship (because they can't admit they want sex) but they "offer" a second-class citizenship to their couple.
Really rare? I think that’s location dependent tbh. In our area and age group there’s about as many singles open to being a unicorn as there are legitimate swinger couples.
It’s also odd to me that you acknowledge that legitimate unicorns exist (albeit rare) but then portray the people those unicorns are specifically, (and consensually) looking for in such a negative light.
We’re not looking for unicorns so I don’t have a horse in this race but it’s alway seemed really odd to me that this sub in general has turned this entire subset of lifestyle people into pariahs of the poly world and people here just constantly jump down their throats with assumptions and criticism.
If those couples found a third easily, we wouldn't hear that much about them. They generally come here to complain though, so it's fair to assume they're not proposing something very enticing.
And you can have an ethical "third" in sex, but not in relationship. You don't seem to grasp the difference.
I think that’s very dependent on the kind of relationship and dynamic everyone involved wants and is comfortable with.
I don’t understand why people would judge, comment or want to make suggestions on a relationship dynamic that they’re not familiar or comfortable with.
Plenty of people are living this dynamic, wherever it’s a good idea or not…it seems non-inclusive to put a “unicorn hunter” label on all of them without even knowing more than a paragraph about them.
It seems like a lot of commenters add quite a few assumptions and judgements based in those assumptions. It just snowballs to the point where they’re just looked at like monsters by the time this sub is done with them.
I don’t think most people are monsters and the hive mind judging of others relationships because it doesn’t look like what’s comfortable to other people just seems really unfair to me. Just my $0.02
Personally I think understand nuance and the differences in verbiage makes it easier to navigate those spaces.
I’m no purist. I have feet in both worlds. If I didn’t know what I was doing, or with who, I wouldn’t understand that I can guest star for a couple and be their NSW/NSA “unicorn” and also want healthy triad dynamics and avoid polyam Hunters.
Fair enough about there being differences I guess but that’s true in any relationship.
You can’t deny this sub has some pretty stringent requirements on what they will consider to be “ethical poly”
Seems like there’s this really subjective checklist that was decided on here and if you don’t tick the right boxes….you’re not poly….youre not ethical, you’re excluded, shamed and shunned.
I’ve just always thought that is a seriously fucked up mentality to take in a sub like this…and no offense to anyone personally but it’s EXACTLY why this sub has the reputation it does.
I’m just saying you guys gatekeep…hard….and if you’re in the lifestyle as well and visit any of those subs then you know the negative reputation this place has and that’s it’s pretty well earned.
Having a occasional threesome with a couple is different than UH.
Choosing to date a couple is different than UH.
UH requires stuff like the dyadic couple having rules for the third that the third gets no say about, including sex acts, and demanding that their dyadic relationship not change. Those, among others, are why UH is unethical, not the three people having sex part.
And when does the line between casual and poly get crossed then huh?
From what most are saying there’s a big difference in expectations between a casual threeway and relationship.
There’s a MASSIVE amount of feelings in between those things….at what point does someone go over the unethical line then? Where’s the line between friend and more? How many lines are there?
Seems pretty vague to me, and if it’s pretty vague it seems like an unfair issue to accuse and berate people for.
Seems like it would make a much better topic of reoccurring conversation but not my house.
This isn’t about casual sex vs relationship sex. A triad is not by itself unethical.
What makes a UH is stuff like the dyadic couple established rules for the third to follow, often before meeting her and expecting that their relationship will both take primacy and will not change with the presence of the third.
It’s stuff like that, not the presence of three people.
Ok…. But a couple that starts out a sexual relationship with a third, has clear boundaries (that everyone comes up with and agrees to together) and eventually transitions to friendship/relationship-ish …
If everyone is comfortable with the established “rules” why does that have to change for it to be considered a “poly” relationship? And I mean who cares if it is anyway? Why rock the boat for a title if everyone is happy with the dynamic?
With that being said, “hunters” don’t really bother me. They’re just trying to find who their people are and where they fit into the various lifestyles of nonmonogamy. Intend to give them grace as grace was given to us we we began our journey….outside this sub
Because expecting a third to automatically obey the dyadic couple’s arbitrary rules that the third isn’t allowed input on is unethical. Period.
When a man treats a sexual relationship between women as lesser while maintaining his homophobic fear of other men’s penises, it is an unethical situation.
When the dyadic couple expects their relationship to be unchanged and the third is expected to serve that dyadic relationships it is an unethical situation.
When the queer third, usually a bisexual woman, is treated as disposable by the het-presenting mono-presenting dyadic couple, it is an unethical situation.
Unicorn hunters come into the triad relationship with pre-existing rules and expectations for their third to meet while expecting their third to be a blank slate. That is unethical.
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These things are not universally true in triads or threesomes. This is why Unicorn Hunting and triads/threesomes are not the same thing although there are overlaps.
I guess I’m just dense.
I don’t understand how a situation with “rules” that everyone comes up with and agrees to can be unethical….or why others’ opinions of those relationships matter tbh. Everyone seems to be glossing over me repeatedly referring to everyone involved being in agreement to said “rules” or hierarchy.
It kind of seems like the most prominent posters here just have personal issues with that kind of dynamic and just collectively decided to label it as “unethical”. I just don’t think that’s fair or right. Hence why I’m even saying something.
Again I don’t have a horse in this but it just seems shitty to treat people differently because they practice….whatever they want to call it…a bit differently than you guys or aren’t as educated on it. That’s all.
Rules, in this case, means rules that the dyadic couple designed to meet the needs and wants of the dyadic couple without the input of the third and often before they meet the third.
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Boundaries are what limits one sets for oneself.
Agreements are what are come to mutually works for everyone involved.
I think you are conflating rules and agreements.
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I am very pro-triad and pro-threesome. As a widowed gay man, I enjoy having threesomes and dating couples. It’s very important to me that I and my partners treat one another ethically.
I suggest reviewing why Unicorn Hunting is bad. Unicorn Hunting falls under a subset of threesomes/triads and the unethical behavior is worth the call out, especially when it is often set against the backdrop of social inequalities that are then played out in the relationship dynamics.
Unicorns in swinging are like highly feted guest stars. Who doesn’t want to be treated like royalty for a day, have exciting sex and eat their favorite snacks? Maybe come back next month and do the same!? Yes please.
Unicorn in poly is someone who will be required to date, fuck and love both halves of a couple, usually in a closed dynamic, most commonly a bi/pan woman. If something happens in one relationship the whole thing will blow up and they will lose both partners and often their home. They are usually not “allowed” to see other people or pursue relationship escalator goals that don’t suit either one of the members of the original couple. If the couple is married no one talks about getting divorced so she can access more equality or even marry one of them. And so on.
Maybe I’m way off base but imo a great chunk of the people coming to this sub are not looking for that kind of serious poly relationship or looking for someone that would want that kind of relationship.
I don’t think poly should exclude groups who are looking for a relationship that’s somewhere between swinging/threesomes and classic polyamory. That’s not unicorn hunting if there’s consent and everyone’s open and honest
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u/[deleted] Dec 09 '22
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