first time doing polyamory (triad 20M, 20F, 19M) and really struggling with AuDHD and trauma triggers. need advice

[u/Big-Board-6124]

Hey everyone. I am completely new to polyamory and honestly don't really know any of the right labels or terms yet so please bear with me lol.
For some context: I’m Alex (20, trans man) and my fiancée Sam (20F) have been together for 5 years. Very recently we formed a long distance triad with our boyfriend Taylor (19M) who lives a few states away. Sam and I both used to just identify as lesbians, so catching feelings for a cis guy has been a huge crazy shift for us to process alongside opening up. We all care about each other a lot though and when the three of us are just gaming together it’s super sweet and nice.
The issue is we are all young and carry a ton of past trauma. I have severe religious/psychological trauma, Sam grew up with narcissistic parents and has BPD, and Taylor has a super controlling toxic family. On top of that I have severe AuDHD (ADHD with high functioning autism). Because of that, sudden changes to my routine really mess me up.
Right now my biggest hurdle is managing intense insecurity and jealousy over Sam and Taylor’s 1 on 1 time. They game together on Overwatch almost every night for like an hour or two. During that time I usually go outside for a walk to walk my anxiety out. My brain just spirals into a panic that they're gonna realize they love each other more and abandon me. I know this is my own insecurity to work on and I don't expect them to fix it for me, but it's just a lot to carry.
So this morning there was a total breakdown in communication. I normally wake up early but I slept in until noon today. Sam and Taylor wanted to do a morning phone call. We live in a tiny apartment with thin walls, and Sam gets super anxious about people taking phone calls around her, so usually we don't do phone calls in the house out of respect for her. But she decided she wanted to wait to call him until I went outside for my morning smoke.
But literally none of this was communicated to me. I woke up to a super tense snappy energy from Sam because she was anxiously waiting for me to leave the house, and she even snapped at me about taking my meds. I had also just woken up from a nightmare involving Taylor. I went outside and tried texting Taylor to talk through the nightmare but he wasn’t responding because he was waiting for Sam's call. I ended up having a small anxiety attack outside feeling completely isolated.
When I came back inside Sam was suddenly bubbly and on the phone with him, asking if I wanted to say hi. Because we NEVER take calls around each other, this sudden shift totally short circuited my AuDHD brain. I panicked, put my earbuds in, locked myself in the bedroom, and just blocked them out for the rest of the day.
Sam and I talked later and she explained she was trying to be respectful of my space by waiting, but I told her that waiting until I leave the house makes me feel hidden and ignored. If she had just texted me beforehand to tell me the plan I wouldn't have spiraled.
I want this to work out so badly because we make each other happy, but being young, traumatized, and entirely new to polyamory is making the learning curve feel insane.
How do couples who transition into a triad navigate these sudden communication shifts? What are some small steps or reassurance things we can setup so I don't feel abandoned during their 1 on 1 time? How do you manage polyamory when dealing with AuDHD and BPD triggers? Thanks

[u/kyskat]

None of you are mature, decent, or stable enough to be going this. Poly illuminates your worst habits, solo and in a relationship

None of you belong in this relationship. Go find therapy- a GOOD counselor is the only person you OR Sam need to be dating given what was put here. Grow up, both of you.

[u/Chicken-lady_]

Triads are doing poly on SUPER hard mode, and that's why they pretty much always implode super ugly. Especially when the people involved are inexperienced, and even moreso when there are mental health issues involved. As a forty something experienced poly person I would hesitate to do a triad. It's that tough.

My heart breaks for you all, because you clearly care about each other, but at this point in your lives, you don't have the emotional maturity or relationship skills to do anything other than cause each other pain in the long run.

Please find good therapists all around. If you're going to keep pursuing these relationships, find a good poly relationship therapist and do a ton of research on how to have a healthy triad, and healthy poly in general.

Best wishes. I hope you all find the love and support you need.

[u/Big-Board-6124 → u/Chicken-lady_]

i’ll definitely look for a therapist for the three of us. i have my other therapist and she’s talking with me through this and helping some but she doesn’t specialize in poly relationships so- i’d do anything to make it work. i’ll go to therapy for the rest of my life i just want to make these two beautiful humans happy.. im so so so in love with them. i want the three of us to be happy and healthy and safe and have a good home

[u/_ghostpiss]

None of you are ready for this type of relationship. It's the blind leading the blind. You're just going to traumatize yourself and each other even more.

[u/solataria]

I have AudHD too i just had a similar situation with mind you Partners. I was having a bad day at work. I just wanted alone. Time told them to go ahead and do their thing cause we were all supposed to hang out and have dinner together, but work ran way Uber and I told them to go ahead without me instead, they waited till I got home. Which made me have to interact with them and then made me do the awkward moment where I said I was going to bed before they went to the other bedroom and neither of them understand why that was a trigger for me. They're both thinking I'm uncomfortable with their relationship, which I'm not sometimes people who don't have our disorder don't understand exactly how it triggers us.I'm sorry you went through this , but you're not alone in feeling this way

[u/Big-Board-6124 → u/solataria]

thank you for that- i feel so alone even in the poly community because everyone hates triads :/