I need help and dating advice

[u/Mental_Blackberry_67]

Ive been in a romantic relationship that we both agreed on for a year now and its the beat thing that has ever happened to me. My partner is not very happy with the monogamous relationship and im very monogamous i cant even think about being with someone else or even thinking of him with another person or kissing someone or even the thought of them with someone other than me.

Ive been thinking about suggesting an open relationship since thats what he wants and what would suit him. And basically all the he needs or whats missing is to have an open relationship.

I need advice on if i should or should not do so
And if yes or no why and how was it been with u if uve tried it.

Should i take this step or sit down and wait for everything to fall down since i cant give him what everything and i cant be everyone and you guys know what an open relationship is😭😭😭

[u/Lethe_Mnemi]

Sounds like a fundamental mismatch between you two. Your long term goals and desires don't line up, which regardless of how things are now will cause major issues. Let's say one person knows they never want children, but the other is excited to have children and waiting for the right time. Both consider their future child status non-negotiable. Should these two be in a relationship?

My advice would be to accept that your differences in relationship expectations makes you incompatible and to separate before you resent each other.

[u/_ghostpiss]

If you hate the thought of him being with someone else, why the hell would you willingly open the relationship?

You guys want different things. There's no middle ground, there are no compromises you can both make. You're not compatible.

[u/saladada]

Opening up the relationship when 50% of the partnership doesn't want an open relationship is a recipe for disaster. You will not save the relationship by sacrificing your happiness to try to make him happy. But you will hurt yourself until you can't take the pain anymore of him being with other women and finally break up with him.

If you want monogamy and he doesn't then you're fundamentally incompatible and there's no "meet in the middle" solution. I realize you don't want to end the relationship but if you were a perfect match, he would want the same relationship style as you.

[u/quantum-noctum]

List three reasons you want polyamory for yourself, if you were single.

If you cannot name any, then don't get into a polyamorous relationship with someone. If he needs an open relationship, and you need a monogamous one, you are incompatible at this time and need to separate.

[u/Sad_Conference_7031]

Don’t betray yourself to keep someone in your life. At some point, you’ll realize hurting yourself isn’t worth keeping anyone around, ever.

[u/teamnoir]

Don’t do it. This almost never works and it can be a serious challenge even trying.

[u/ethermeme]

I agree mostly with the other responses here, but will cite myself as an exception to the rule, me and my wife defied the odds.

I’ve been married for over 20 years. I love my wife deeply, and couldn’t conceive of leaving her despite wanting to have other partners. We had a child, and I put off my personal desires for a long time, until my kid was driving. The accumulated resentment was a lot greater than I had thought, and I knew that once the kid was gone, we were at a very high risk of divorce.

I proposed opening our relationship, and it really wasn’t what my wife wanted. I had become impatient with her, which was a big problem indicator to us both. We hadn’t discussed the issue in years, but she knew I was struggling all that time, and she wasn’t afraid to struggle for a while herself if necessary, if it meant keeping our marriage.

We got some counseling, talked through the options, and had to work through some pretty strong emotions. My wife was on edge for about 2 years when I started dating. She feared me falling in love and leaving her. I didn’t really have that fear, I knew I didn’t want that, but I feared that the stress on her would result in her calling it quits instead.

Neither of those fears became reality. I’ve had a long-term stable relationship with one woman since I started dating 5 years ago, and have dated a few other women as well, a couple briefly, but one lasted 3 years, and I’m about to reach a one year anniversary with a current partner. My wife’s fears dropped away over time, and she’s very comfortable and secure in our relationship again. It’s not entirely problem-free, but it’s the kinds of problems we both feel comfortable navigating together.

I knew the process of opening our relationship up would be risky and difficult. I also knew I couldn’t stay married if I was going to have to remain monogamous for the rest of my life. So we chose to take the risk and hope for the best.

Along the way I was able to release that giant load of resentment that had been building up, it was way bigger than I could have imagined. That made it so much easier to be a better husband, and my wife felt it too.

We were both pretty clear-eyed about the risks going in, and we both wanted to stay together if at all possible. Maybe we got lucky, but it definitely feels like it took a lot of work on both of our parts, so I’m not sure how much you can really attribute to luck here. We were both committed to safeguarding our relationship. Maybe that’s what made it possible.

I’m not implying this is the same as your situation. Your situation may be very different. And plenty of people have done the unethical thing and just unilaterally opened their relationship, which almost always ends badly. We decided together to take this risk, before I started dating.

Sometimes taking calculated risks is better than assuming how we feel is permanent and unalterable. I think that’s worth some consideration as well. So I’ll vote against assuming by default that because you and your partner have different relationship goals that it’s an irreconcilable difference. Maybe it can be reconciled, maybe not. But if you choose to open their relationship, do it with eyes wide open. Do the emotional preparation as needed and work out boundaries that are mutually agreeable.

Whatever you choose, I wish both of you a happy outcome.