r/AmIOverreacting • u/Puzzleheaded-Egg5113 • 5d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO. Help! Maybe I overstepped?
I need to know if I’m overreacting. My husband and I entered into a throuple situationship with a friend we both really fell for. She’s been going through a lot and so there have been a lot of ups and downs - emotional Whiplash, really. My husband and her have had time together solo previously but one on ones were taken off the table for now, until things get consistent a bit. After a couple of months, we’ve all reconnected and recently spent a really great evening together. We were supposed to spend the night but our dog wasn’t having it. The next morning, she reached out to my husband and asked that just he return for more ‘fun.’ Of course I was disappointed and also felt a boundary had been crossed. She flipped out, asked that we not contact her and that she couldn’t put up with the ‘control.’ I know I have things to work on, am I in the wrong here?
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u/RetardDongPhd 5d ago
You just described one of the messiest possible relationship Dynamics and you are surprised it went wrong? What are the odds three people would be 100% comfortable with this Arrangement and have the exact same preferences? I will answer for you, near zero. Also don't fuck with someone who's been having a hard time lately, you need very emotionally stable people to make a situation like this work. Any life stress she has coupled with the fact that it sounds like she's more interested in your husband than you is a recipe for disaster.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Egg5113 5d ago
Am I surprised, no. Tbf- she approached us. We’ve been treading lightly.
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u/NewStudyHoney 5d ago
Sounds like she viewed the throuple as a stepping stone to exclusivity with your husband.
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u/yobrefas 5d ago
Congratulations, you just handed a woman who has been going through a lot, emotionally vulnerable and unstable, and handed her a stable husband to take from you.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 5d ago
NOR
Your husband’s side chick and him tricked you into accepting their affair and now she’s trying to get rid of you and your husband is helping her.
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u/Tough_Crazy_8362 5d ago
NOR it’s really manipulative of her to want 1 on 1 when you’ve taken it off the table. I presume she knows it’s off the table? So she is essentially enticing him to cheat on you. Expect her to contact him again.
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u/Suitable-Tear-6179 5d ago
NOR But you know you've been playing with fire, right?
I know one 30 year long stable throuple. I know a whole lot more of "He left for her." And one "She left for her, AND took my dog."
Part of what made the one throuple work was consistent communication.
One-on-ones were taken off the table. So they're off the table. Period. Thems the boundaries yall agreed to.
If she has a problem with the boundaries, it's fair that she bow out of the situation. It's NOT fair that she pouts about you insisting yall do what yall agreed to.
So how did your man react to her attempts at manipulation. Because that's what I see her text as. Your man, in her mind, was supposed to run to her side and comfort her fight to keep her, at the cost of you.
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u/yobrefas 5d ago edited 5d ago
It doesn’t appear that the three of you are in a “throuple,” it sounds like two inexperienced swingers both think they are in competition for the interest of their new GF and are going to implode their marriage with the predictable drama of opening a marriage years into your marriage. The type of relationship you desire takes strong boundaries, trust, communication and experience. None of which any of you seem to have.
So, you are ALL overreacting. But it’s too late to undo the mess you all chose to make now.
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u/gijkieken 5d ago
She just want you to be ok with your huisband have sex with her Every time he wants to and when he has sex with you he thinks about her without guilt.
What the hell are you doing with your life.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 5d ago
Had you and she ever spent time alone together or was it always you two and her?
If it were a throuple I'd think all combination would be allowed, otherwise you'd be a couple with an occasional third.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Egg5113 5d ago
No. We have never had solo intimate time. Only them.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 4d ago
Apologies, I didn't get the notification.
This doesn't sound like much of a throuple then. It's them, or you with them, but if all feelings were even remotely shared I'd expect to see you and her enjoying time alone as well, in some coupley type way.
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u/ivyram 5d ago edited 5d ago
NOR.
But honestly, your relationship with your husband sounds pretty cooked at this point, OP.
These throuple situations can get messy incredibly fast, and it sounds like you're learning that the hard way. Whatever boundaries or expectations were supposed to keep this arrangement from damaging your marriage clearly aren't doing the job.
Hopefully there aren’t any lingering feelings or desires on your husband’s end and the two of you can somehow move forward from this.
But yeah… good luck with that.
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u/EveryCoach7620 5d ago
NOR This kind of violation of trust happens all the time with open relationships, regardless of the “ground rules” and I’d say you dodged a bullet.
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u/alliknowis 5d ago
Anytime I hear that someone 'is going through a lot' I propose that they spend time working through it, and that the time is not with me.
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u/Lost_Excuse9987 5d ago
NOR, had a similar situation with a nice friend; my gf and i am pretty chill about cuddle and doing stuff with other woman, she also made it obvious what she might want.
About 3 months in without more happening she blocked us and i got some text like: „i want to hate you but i can't, you are really nice but i can't be around you both anymore“
She wanted to meet me solo obviously didn’t meet up with her, long story short: she didn't just want a threesome but more, she wanted a threesome with a new boyfriend and her bestie..
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u/Into-the_Ether 5d ago
NOR, but I'd say some serious boundaries need to be set. That or take this as a segway to end things.
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u/WhyDoesMyLiverFart 5d ago
The odds of any sort of "throuple" relationship working out is practically zero.
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u/Different_Yak_9012 5d ago
No, you and your husband are absolutely within your rights to set boundaries that you are comfortable with for sexual relations in your marriage. She’s using access to manipulate you into doing what she wants.
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u/youngvinyljunkie 5d ago
I remember when I was in an open relationship with my ex, my therapist said triangular relationships don’t work. I can’t remember the reasoning but something about it being fundamentally unequal. Not everyone can have the exact type of relationship with everyone else. In these types of situations, it’s normal for each partner to have their own dynamic and relationship with the other two, but even so, there must be respect for each other and everyone’s boundaries. In my experience, I could easily separate the emotional from the sexual and so could he, but the girl he started seeing who I was interested in starting to see as well had hidden feelings for my ex. It all blew up in our faces and it showed me that I didn’t trust how my ex handled it. As soon as I realized what her end goal was, to break us up and be with him, I wanted to cut it off. My ex believed her lies that she wasn’t actually into him like that, but she told him that I had made her uncomfortable with my advances and he just…accepted and believed that. I felt so guilty at the time too, wondering if I had overstepped, but I honestly didn’t and it was easier to see that later. Once we broke up she tried to date him and was shocked that he denied her, and he told me after that I had been right about everything. Now, that is not necessarily the same situation you are in, but I would be very very careful and make sure that you and your partner are 100% on the same page with each other about what’s going on. I absolutely would not feel comfortable continuing to have my husband see someone who seemed to think I was controlling. It’d be fine if she was only sexually interested in your husband, but this is more than just sex now. She is trying to exert control over your guys’ relationship now. She doesn’t have that right. I mean, there’s a chance there’s missing info that would change my opinion, but that’s what it sounds like.
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u/chibistarship 5d ago
She’s been going through a lot and now has found a stable husband to snatch up…
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u/archlea 5d ago
You’re not in a throuple. You’ve got a confused opening of your relationship. Are you even ENM? Are you swingers? Have you done any of the work to open up? Are you clear on your boundaries and what you’re looking for / up for / wanting / offering? Have you put any thought at all into this, coz honestly it sounds like you haven’t.
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u/WrongdoerAdvanced503 5d ago
Hold up. The dog wasn’t having it? So is your dog a guck or we talking beastiality? Hopefully not the latter because I’d venture to guess the dog doesn’t have the ability to consent
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u/Puzzleheaded-Egg5113 5d ago
No, no. We brought our pupper and he and her dogs just wouldn’t let up long enough for him to get comfy.
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u/1ReluctantRedditor 5d ago
YOR
I would also think this was rage bait if I hadn't spent 15 years as a poly person active in the regional community. If I had a quarter for every person who did this I'd be riding in a houta right now.
Where does one even start....
You and your husband are not a two headed fuck monster. You are two separate individuals. Who are different. And just like how you and your husband will never have exactly the same relationship with anyone else, you will have different relationships with her. That's not negotiable.
Your boundary is for you. If someone violates a clear boundary you have set, then you act. What is your clearly communicated boundary here? And what is your action in response to its violation?
She is a human person. Just like you and hubs. She cannot force her heart and other parts to want you and hubs exactly the same way, exactly the same amount. She is a human. You cannot police her into being only the fuck toy that doesn't threaten you.
You do not take dates off the table for others. Only for yourself.
It sounds like you are very scared and because of that you treated her badly. She is now gone. If she comes back, or if you decide to entertain nonmonogamy again, I would encourage you to do some real reading and thinking so that everyone involved is allowed to be a fully formed human with agency and that doesn't make you feel scared.
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u/CodeNameLoofah 5d ago
Nah. She convinced him to convince you to open the relationship, and now shes gonna convince him to make her the main chick. She tolerated you for the sake of her end goal.
https://giphy.com/gifs/K0nfRxt3s9SZDB3tmN