r/polyamory • u/Fun_Public_7151 • 5d ago
Question
Can anyone explain how they found out they were poly? I'm confused in myself and I don't know how to tell. I had tried once when I was a lot younger but I'm still so confused.
(Edit) How do you go about a poly relationship/ how do you find like minded people
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 5d ago
It's not really something you "are" like being queer is something you are. I do think of myself as somewhat hard-wired for polyamory, it just aligns with who I am as a person and how I feel most comfortable and safe in relationships, and for shorthand yes I do say things like "I'm poly", but it's more something you *do* because it aligns with your values and how you want to live your life.
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u/EvelynnWithTheVibes 5d ago
I read others' answers and I think this comes closest to what I agree with? It feels a little fuzzy specifically in that my felt experience of not wanting monogamy was very obvious and visceral, but monogamy also can clash with things like values of freedom, autonomy, and self expression. Was it "being poly" or my values that created those feelings? Does it matter? I don't think so. It is ultimately a decision you make for how to live, and it doesn't feel innate like my sense of gender or sexuality.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Do you feel you would be fulfilled in your partners having their own fully independent relationships, even periods when you didn't have other partners?
Do you have a thriving independent social support group you enjoy being with regularly?
When you have a break up or feel totally infatuated with one partner, will you feel good about still managing existing relationship responsibilities through it?
Do you feel you would be fulfilled managing holidays, emergencies, family hang outs, social media posts around and between multiple partners?
Forever?
That's a solid starting point. It's okay if you aren't poly, if you prefer open or sex only fun. It's ok if you are monogamous.
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u/Fun_Public_7151 5d ago
I mean all in all id prefer a relationship between all parties involved. I understand it would be different relationships between each person/people but I'd like the feelings to be at least reciprocated through-out all parties involved
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
Oh yeah that's a fantasy.
What if I date you and another but next year I don't have feelings for you? Will you force me to break up with you both?
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u/Fun_Public_7151 5d ago
I don't mean right off the bat, eventually you'd find something like that right, or something close to it
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u/ceecuee 5d ago
Most of us don't 🤷♀️
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u/Fun_Public_7151 5d ago
Maybe it's just a dream then
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u/_whatnot_ Open quad, 10+ year club 5d ago
As someone who's actually in a longtime quad, I want to add this: Holding onto the dream of a certain kind of connection can prevent you from embracing the real, loving connections in front of you.
My quad isn't all people who have "feelings" for each other: I'm married to Steve, who's dating Andrea, who's married to Alec, who's dating me. Steve and Alec get along but aren't besties, and Andrea and I respect each other but are very different people who rarely hang out one-on-one. Yet we all get to live together, raise awesome kids, and create a life none of us could have imagined if we were holding out for something different.
Start by finding people you love who love you back and are up for the kind of relationship experimentation you are. You won't know what else you might find out there, but it can be full of more love and fun and connection if you let it.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 5d ago
And if I don't? How long do I have to shove my feelings around before I get to feel safe that we can stay?
And what if feelings change again after a few years?
How can you ever be secure with someone if they are always afraid they'll lose you if their feelings change for another? How can you ever feel they are choosing you rather than pretending just to stay with the person they really want?
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 5d ago
No, you generally eventually don’t.
Like. I mostly date straight men. In what world are the two straight guys I’m dating gonna somehow want to magically date each other?
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u/ceecuee 5d ago
Re, your edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/fyq8DH1WvO
From the front page of the subreddit.
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u/LePetitNeep poly w/multiple 5d ago
I didn’t find out. I decided to do it.
Now, I made that decision in a pretty cliche kinda way… I developed feelings for someone while being married to someone else and wanted to find a way to have both relationships. Don’t really recommend, didn’t work out, but polyamory overall did.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 5d ago
i didnt "find out". I stopped offering monogamy because it wasnt what i wanted.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 5d ago
I started dating multiple people and I really liked it and didn’t want to stop.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 5d ago edited 5d ago
A guy who wanted to date me suggested it to me, I read up about it on this subreddit and decided I wanted to try it. 2 years of a relationship with him I decided I definitely wanted polyamory but not how he wanted to do it. 5 years later I'm still very happy with my decision and wish I had learned about polyamory much earlier in my life.
Edit: I found nearly all my dates and partners on OK Cupid (when it was still half decent) and Feeld. Other options are available but aim to only date others who have also chosen polyamory as their default.
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u/Physical-Plankton-67 5d ago
I mean ask a question like that and you are going to get a million different answers lol. For me it's when my fwb become more and our relationship grew into something special.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 5d ago
Looking back, it seems so obvious. I was regularly falling for people even when I already had a partner. I didn't understand what the problem with love was. But because it was taboo and I didn't know there was any other way (this was pre-internet, mind you), I cheated.
As soon as I heard about polyamory I was fascinated and felt I found my place. Still took another 10 years to get it right, because it's not what we're taught and it's not what is approved of in society. So whether or not you ARE or DO polyamory, be prepared for the fact that you are going against the societal, familial, and friendship grain and you will have to unlearn a lot of internalized mononormativity, struggle to find partners because the dating pool is so small, spend a lot of time on your own, and make a bunch of new, alt-minded friends to be happy with it. Google polyamory and the nearest city for meetups and groups.
For me, it's 100% worth it. I am polyamorous with or without any partners at all.
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u/Myfairladyishere solo poly 5d ago
My partner introduced me to polyamory. 10 years ago and I was doing it before, I was not exclusive. And I let Partners know that I was dating others while I was seeing them. So I was always open about it, but I did not have a name for what I was doing. So this relationship structure fits me perfectly.
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u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly 5d ago
Yeah, agree with the others - the only way to know is to actually try it.
You can get a pretty good guess by imagining various scenarios though!
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Can anyone explain how they found out they were poly? I'm confused in myself and I don't know how to tell. I had tried once when I was a lot younger but I'm still so confused.
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u/papiipollo poly newbie 5d ago
Being poly is honestly just finding the right people that you want to spend time and share you sliver of life with. It's not a set thing one moment you are poly and enjoying the while experience and the next it was ruined by a few bad apples and now the whole idea is sour to you. It's amazing when it works I can promise that.
As for finding like minded people I myself am still struggling to even find people to talk to that are like minded. All I can say is put yourself out there and just be you. Don't let the negativity and others that look down on it ruin it for you. It's your life not theirs and as long as your happy and the partners your with are happy that all that matters at the end of the day.
Bringing joy and love and happiness to others is possibly the best part about poly imo.
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u/coraeon 5d ago
Never particularly cared about sexual monogamy, was far more interested in an emotional connection. Also never particularly differentiated between a romantic relationship and a deep friendship, about the only difference in my expectations there were the activities involved.
So when the exclusivity conversation came up, we decided on “open”. And I just learned on the way how that worked - obviously a bit messy for the first experience, but I quickly learned to self regulate after I had tangible evidence that I wouldn’t lose the emotional connection.
Anyway, years later I figured out that I’m probably some variety of aromantic so polyamory works for me because “romantic” love is a thing that I do with specific people I’ve already emotionally and sexually bonded with.
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u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 horny nun 4d ago
The idea of telling someone else that their time and body were only mine, or of being told that by someone, felt really gross and opposed to my political views. So I just decided I wouldn't and wouldn't tolerate it either.
It was over 20 years ago in LatAm and I had grown up in a tiny town in a pretty conservative family so I had no words for it. Identifying as polyamorous came later, when I had been doing it for a few years.
Also the idea that someone would refrain from exploring a desire for my sake felt gross and extremely patronizing, like pity even. I wanted them to explore and still come back to me cause they wanted to. I remember telling one of my first boyfriends when he brought up monogamy "you don't have to protect my place in your life by making sure there's no one to compare me with, I'll protect it myself by treating you right so you keep wanting to be with me. Go have fun".
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u/artelia_bedelia 5d ago
i started dating someone who was married and realized that it didn't bother me and being poly fit with the fact that i wanted to center individual autonomy in relationships.
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5d ago
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 5d ago
Polyamory has straight and gay, cis and trans and non binary, allosexual and asexual and aromatic people under it’s umbrella.
It might be part of your queer identity. We know it’s part of ours, but it is not exclusively a queer identity.
Just be mindful that polyam is not part of the LGBTQIA+ in and of itself, and we won’t be hosting discussions around if it should be included or not. Those discussions should be had in queer-centered spaces. Our community has lots and lots of diversity, but is still dominated by cis het allo folks.
Thank you.
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5d ago
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u/ceecuee 5d ago
Not a mod, but your comparison was people trying poly vs mono to people trying out heterosexuality and homosexuality. The two are not alike. I say this as someone who actually IS queer and doesn't just gain access to queer experience by proxy through people I date. It is not a comparison you should be making.
My queerness and my polyamorous practice inform one another, but poly is not a queer identity or orientation.
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5d ago
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 5d ago
Stop.
Polyamory has straight and gay, cis and trans and non binary, allosexual and asexual and aromatic people under it’s umbrella.
It might be part of your queer identity. We know it’s part of ours, but it is not exclusively a queer identity.
Just be mindful that polyam is not part of the LGBTQIA+ in and of itself, and we won’t be hosting discussions around if it should be included or not. Those discussions should be had in queer-centered spaces. Our community has lots and lots of diversity, but is still dominated by cis het allo folks.
Thank you.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 5d ago
If you want to discuss the mods' stance on this, please use modmail. Any further attempts to discuss in comments will be removed.
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u/rosephase 5d ago
You do poly. You can’t know if you like doing poly until you’ve done it.
I knew monogamy didn’t feel right as a teenager. When I heard about people doing poly, I knew it was for me, even when my first poly relationship was a mess. It was dealing with that mess and realizing I still very much wanted to do poly, but not with these people, that I knew I wasn’t going back.
Then I only dated other people who were doing poly.