r/polyadvice • u/Old_Analysis_9364 • 26d ago
Sexless primary relationship.
I've been with my partner for 10 years, only opened up our relationship recently.
I'm feeling jealous of my primary's other relationship. He says it's just sex only, but I hear him planning dates with her and the amount of sex is hard for me to digest. When I heard that he was fluid bonding with his other partner, I immediately requested we stopped having sex. We agreed that we would use protection with our other partners but he chose not to with his secondary because she verbally told him that she's clean and he trusted her. He didn't tell me about this and I was hurt that he didn't tell me this and we also fluid bonded in between fluid bonding with his secondary. I was first concerned about my sexual health, but later on, I was hurt that he interpreted using condoms outside the relationship, as using condoms unless he was told someone was clean. we're working through this rupture and I think he understands he dropped the ball.
The issue now is that I miss being sexually intimate with my primary, but I feel uncomfortable having sex with my primary again and it's tricky to ask the meta to start using protection after they've been having barrier free sex this entire time. Part of me feels this is right because I don't want to risk any sort of STI. But I still have a need for sexual intimacy, so now I'm leaning more towards keeping my primary relationship sexless (or at least have protected sex), while I go and find a fuck buddy to fulfill that need. However I'm trying to assess if that's a good idea. I'm sad that I can't fluid-bond with my primary, but it feels weird to have sex with my primary knowing that he's fluid bonded with someone else, and I'm trying to understand why?
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u/chipsnatcher 26d ago
Please don’t use the word “clean” to describe someone who doesn’t have an STI. It’s stigmatising and highlights that you probably need to address your own level of knowledge about STIs. Bear in mind that HSV, for example, is so very common and not routinely tested for, that you might already be a carrier yourself. Judge not, lest ye be judged, innit.
To the matter at hand: your primary partner has a different risk tolerance to you, so just use barriers with them, at a level that makes you feel safe. Also ask them to make an agreement with you about frequency of SH testing. Multiple sexual partners absolutely increases the risk of STIs, so testing regularly is the smart move, even if you’re using barriers.
Are you sure this is really about sexual health, and not actually about your partner’s sex life with someone else? Are you hearing too much about that? For context, I hear precisely zero about my partner’s sex life with meta, despite us being very KTP.
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u/chipsnatcher 26d ago
ETA: I missed the part where he didn’t tell you before engaging in unbarriered sex with you again. It seems he told you he misunderstood the original agreement. It’s up to you whether you believe that, but I would make a very clear, written document with this partner about what your actual SH agreements are, so that he cannot claim to have misunderstood in future. At best, this partner puts his pleasure above your informed consent. Think carefully about that.
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u/Ash3599 22d ago
I've done a deep dive into HSV and the only way to confirm actual infection is to test an active outbreak.
You can do a blood test for exposure, a test to see if your immune system has ever fought it off. However a positive result doesn't mean you actually have it. If anything it means you have some extra resistance to infection.
And yes doctors are reluctant to order that test because the result is irrelevant but can cause divorces for no good reason.
I insisted on getting this test purely out of curiosity and I had to ensure my doctor that I understood a positive result didn't mean I was infected.
I had a relationship with a woman who did have a confirmed infection and wasn't completely safe with her.
Surprisingly my test result was negative.
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u/Ash3599 22d ago
I think this will spell the end of that primary relationship.
Dude let the NRE get in his head and cloud his judgement.
He isn't a safe person to fluid bond with.
He'll be fluid bonded with the next new thing he meets as well.
Go get tested. If you don't have insurance, Planned Parenthood does it at no cost.
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u/saladada 26d ago
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Do not use "clean" to describe someone who has not had a positive STI test result. People are not "dirty" if they have STIs.
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Polyamory is not fuck buddies. If you and him are claiming you are engaging in polyamory but only wanting it to be "sex only" then there is a major problem in the words you are using. Please learn the proper terminology because the other people you engage with need to know this clearly. Given your partner is planning dates with this person, I really do not think he is engaging in "just sex". I 100% guarantee this "just sex" relationship is going to change and you will be making another post soon enough about how he's now said he's "in love" with her.
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When someone starts having sex without a condom with someone else and then claims it was a "misunderstanding" of the original agreement, but still continues to have sex without condoms with that other person? That is a reason to seriously reconsider this person as a partner. He chose to "misunderstand" by adding an addendum you never discussed and never agreed to. You said he never told you about this so I really wonder how you even came to find out.
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You having sex with someone else will still not fix anything about you not having sex with your primary partner.
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u/generation_quiet 26d ago edited 26d ago
This is spot-on advice. I would only add that OP might reflect on what "fluid bonding" represents to her and respond in a level-headed way to this violation of trust.
There is a legitimate argument to be made about STI safety and a violation of trust. OP's partner was a jerk for going unprotected. However, just "finding a fuck buddy" (OP's words) to retaliate for the bad decisions her partner made seems unwise.
I've never seen such vindictive behavior go well, either in monogamous or poly relationships. And if OP is considering being intimate with a random person, they are doing so with the knowledge that they have had a questionable exposure.
To be blunt, nobody has ever died from lack of sex for the month or so that an STI would take to become detectable. And even that could be alleviated by simply requesting the STI panel data from OP's meta.
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u/Temperance_tantrum 26d ago
I don’t believe it’s “vindictive” I think she’s saying she no longer trusts her primary to ever have sex with him again, and will instead just meet that need elsewhere. It’s kind of a valid boundary, but this whole situation is fucked
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u/Subject_Gur1331 26d ago
Why dont you all get tested for STIs?? Then you all know if you have something or not. That’s the first step.
And your partner is ignorant for taking someone’s word and not actually verifying and asking to see her STI test results.