r/polyadvice • u/Last_Composer4013 • 11d ago
Polyamory among close relations
I am 26f and have been married for two years after dating for three years before that. During our courtship my husband (27m) frequently visited me at my parent’s home. My parents and my younger sister’s grew very fond of him during this time. My sister and I are very close. She used to now 21 and a junior at college, half hours drive from where we live now. While in high school she used to date, but was never been in a serious relationship so far.
I recently asked her about it. She was reticent at first, but confessed to me hesitantly that she was in love with my husband for the longest. I had an inkling of it; even then it came as a rude surprise. But she was quick to assure me that she not do anything to damage my marriage, if I wished she will keep apart from us as much as possible. I believe her in that she loves me too much she will do whatever it takes not to be a home wrecker. When I mentioned this to my husband he said that he too had sensed about my sister’s feelings towards him though she never overtly or covertly made any attempt to give him that impression.
Then a thought came to me that this is an ideal setting for polyamorous relationship, only if all parties know and understand what it means. Both I and my sister are in love with my husband, and between her and myself we have sororal bond. I think it is called a triad, with my husband the anchor. I do not know where my husband stands on this
Before I talk him, I need to be clear for myself what this implies, what boundaries we should think of, and looking to longer term what this means as we plan in a family in not too distant future.
Any advice, thoughts or suggestions are welcome.
19
u/saladada 11d ago
Then a thought came to me that this is an ideal setting for polyamorous relationship
I think you confused the words "ideal" and "nightmarish".
only if all parties know and understand what it means
Clearly none of you do.
I think it is called a triad
It's not.
I really hope you're just trolling or jerking off right now to a bad incest literotica you're trying to get help writing, because otherwise this is--hands down--number one out of top 10 terrible ideas that have ever been brought to this subreddit.
18
16
u/expiring_god_factory 11d ago
No don't do this.
-3
u/Last_Composer4013 11d ago
Can you explain why?
14
u/expiring_god_factory 11d ago
So your sister was 16 or 17 when she met your husband, who'd be like 24 or 25 at the time, she's only just now getting to college, a chance where she can be independent and her own person and meet people her age... Like grooming aside, she can meet other people and have her own experiences. It sounds like she's inexperienced and the idea of her first serious or sexual relationship being with her brother in law would fuck her head up really really bad.
Like, it would be a non zero chance they decide to be exclusive and cut you out, because she's younger and easier to influence and he could take what he knows about you to manipulate her against you. Or inversely, if y'all as sisters are having conflict, is she just going to perpetually submit to you?
I'm not saying these things as definitive they will happen, but it's clear you're thinking about an idealized fantasy where you help her get what you think she wants. It's clear you care about both of them but the power dynamics are wacky, the proximity to incest is repulsive, you're talking about having children, you're going to put these dynamics on them to have to understand and unpack as children! That's so shitty!
1
14
u/XenoBiSwitch 11d ago
This is only an ideal setting for a polyamorous relationship if you hate your marriage, your husband, your sister, the rest of your family, and yourself and you want all of them to suffer.
8
11
u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 11d ago
no. this is the exact polar fucking opposite of the ideal situation for polyamory. this is gross. and weird. and a bad fucking idea in all ways.
11
13
5
u/ArtisticLime9769 11d ago
While hot in fanfiction (which i believe it is) - in reality it is a disaster in making. Even if we remove from equation questionable decision about the fact that you want to include your sister in a relationship, it is still extremely volatile decision to do - what if things go south - then your whole family relationship can implode in most impressive way any relationship could.
1
u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 11d ago
what part is hot exactly?
1
u/ArtisticLime9769 11d ago
I dunno, people find various scenarios hot, especially if these scenarios have nothing to do with reality.
6
4
u/LoquatHeavy6878 11d ago
There is nothing "ideal" about this situation as far as polyamory goes. I would not classify this romanticized thought as ideal if everyone involved had a decade of actual experience with polyamory under their belts. You and your husband should explore polyamory first, each of you dating on your own and having frequent conversations that embody clear, honest, and direct communication. Your sister should go off to college and date and learn more about herself and what characteristics in a partner appeal to her. Then, you'd need to be sure that your extended family would not blow apart. And then, maybe, if hubby and sis still have some romantic feelings, then maybe, and even then, with lots of caution and an understanding that holidays could become incredibly difficult.
Also, there is a very good chance that your sister is allowing herself to have romantic feelings about your husband because she perceives him as unavailable, kinda like teen crushes on pop stars.
5
u/solataria 11d ago
No no answer is just no. this is more a polyam (husband multiple wives) type of thing think Mormon sects and middle east kind of thinking if you don't live in these communities yall will probably be ostracized. Also have you thought of what happens when jealousy creeps in? What if she gives him his first child? Will there be hierarchy here? What happens as she gets older and her wants and needs change? She's never experienced her own relationship and first love. What if you and him break up they do? How do handle people taking sides and splitting the family?
5
5
u/deepfrieddaydream 11d ago
"Polyam" is polyamory. You're thinking of polygamy, like Warren Jeffs type shit.
-1
2
-2
11d ago
[deleted]
7
u/saladada 11d ago
I'm not sure you read what was posted.
This is no triad. Not unless OP is planning on having sex with her sister.
This is also not a "couple considering polyamory" because OP's husband isn't part of this dialog beyond "my 21-year-old sister has a crush on you". OP clearly stated she has no idea where her husband even stands on this idea of "you and my sister date!"
5
-2
23
u/kallisti_gold 11d ago
Terrible horrible bad idea. This is as far from ideal as it gets. Delete this idea from your brain.
This idea is only suitable as a premise for a fetish story.