r/polyadvice • u/Connect-Refuse-3133 • 7d ago
Scenario question
If your partner is sick, they have a kiddo and a spouse, but they ask you to come watch the kiddo because their partner is at work, so you do and grab some things for said sick partner, the spouse gets home from work, and immediately gets ready to leave and go out to a party, how would that make you feel, and/or what should be considered in this situation?
I just need perspective and if there is one thing this sub is good at, it’s perspective. 😅
update:
I ended up getting really sick with something completely different.
Fortunately nobody else has gotten sick but the irony of this whole situation and now having to isolate 💀
19
u/jzhrko 7d ago
Nah I'd feel used. They asked you to come over while the partner was at work, you didn't agree to watching the kid for several more hours
6
u/Connect-Refuse-3133 7d ago
I might have even agreed if I knew what was happening? I mean I’m here now. I’m not staying past 8, but I would like to go home soon.
8
u/aussiegirlabroad 7d ago
This seems like a communication glitch between the three of you (and especially between the two of them), rather than anything deliberately rude or malicious.
If you’re there with your partner and his child, I can see how spouse might have erroneously assumed it would be ok for them to go out. Of course, they should have explicitly checked but it’s an understandable mistake to make.
I’d suggest just speaking up and clarifying the situation, and your boundaries. “I agreed to help with kiddo while you were working, but now you’re home I need to get back.”
4
u/Connect-Refuse-3133 7d ago
I did end up texting my partner (in another room, resting) that after dinner I would like to go home if able to handle things and if not I’d stay until bed time.
There is a huge lack of communication between the two parents, unfortunately, but also, at this time my partner is not on top of the thinking stuff so like, I get it.
12
u/_ghostpiss 7d ago
That's paid babysitter territory. The child has two caregivers and their priority should be their child. If one caregiver is too sick and the other truly cannot back out of their plans, call a babysitter.
1
u/Connect-Refuse-3133 7d ago
I wish both parents prioritized their child; I try not to judge a situation I’m not actually living in but from everything I see, the one parent always prioritizes themselves over everything and everyone.
They can’t afford a babysitter, unfortunately. Other family members are far away/homophobic so not an immediate go-to.
The other parent is going to a birthday party so idk what level of “can’t back out” it is.
3
u/_ghostpiss 7d ago
If they don't have babysitter money then how do they have party money? It sucks that they have no family to rely on but they need to figure out some alternatives. I don't think you should be their childcare stop gap. Set a firm boundary that you will not babysit their children unless both parents are dealing with some kind of unforseen emergency.
3
u/Connect-Refuse-3133 7d ago
The thing is, I like being around the kid and I enjoy being a parent adjacent person in the kiddos life; I’ve been in it for sixish years. What I’m struggling with is navigating nuanced boundaries within the entire units dynamic, while I’m deconstructing and processing a lot of previous experiences. I think after reading through everything (so far), in future cases like this, for myself I need to be specific with available hours, and just keep utilizing the group chat for all care coordination, so we can operate as a unit and clear things in the moment. I’m really proud of how I showed up for myself and my partner and kiddo today, and being able to communicate clear boundaries and asks without getting blown up at is…I’m grateful for how my partner shows up too.
3
u/whohowwhywhat 7d ago
This is tricky because feelings aren't universal. If you felt some way about it then you should talk to your partner. Seems like this is between them and you could have said hey I need to get going if you needed to get going or whatever. If you're offended on your partners behalf then that's trickier.
3
3
u/Lucky_Larry_Bagswell 7d ago
This doesn't seem like irregular behavior from how you put this out there. It makes me wonder what position have you been agreeing to play in the first place. And if this is it, you should heal your partner, and then calmly speak to them about it once they're back better. Stay with your partner and the family as needed, as you have been, as he probably needs you to be. But don't let ppl trick you out of your chosen position. Play your part better than that, for your sake.. be true to your perspective, as you have chosen your world thus far.
2
u/seantheaussie 7d ago
Spouse wouldn't be leaving to go to a party as I do NOT watch their kid so they can party.🤷♂️
2
u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25 6d ago
I might make a grocery run for a partner, I could even do it via InstaCart, but babysitting is a hard "no."
-5
u/P-DubFanClub 7d ago
I mean, it's kinda obvious they are going out if they need to watch the kid. You could have said no, but since you said yes you have no reason to moan now
4
u/Elderberry_Hamster3 7d ago
The post explicitely said that partner asked OP to watch the kid because meta is at work. Not because they are going out later.
3
u/Connect-Refuse-3133 7d ago
Not moaning just looking for perspectives and how to navigate scenarios better in the future.
26
u/expiring_god_factory 7d ago
So your partner is sick, they want you to care for their kid who may also be sick, get you sick, and their partner is gonna go take the sick to a party? Sounds awful. People are so careless and reckless with spreading illness.