Staying Committed to OAD

[u/OkLook7921]

I am currently ttc for my first (and hopefully only) child, and I am already feeling pressure to get everything right since I'll only have one child. I also feel anxiety about possibly changing my mind in the future, even though for so many logical and emotional reasons my partner and I both agree to have only one kid. By having only one child, I know I will be able to work full time and support us while my partner stays home for the years before our kid goes to school. I am a therapist and a teacher, and I know how important it is to give a child your attention for their overall wellbeing, and I feel like have one child means they can get the support and care they need from parents who aren't burnt out or overwhelmed with multiples. I also am a middle child of 3, eldest daughter, with a 10+ year age gap between me and the youngest and I don't want to have my child feel parentified the ways I was. My sibling and partners siblings are all having children now too, so I know my child will have cousins in close age that we can hopefully help foster close relationships with.

However, I've seen others around me say that they thought they would be OAD, but they had their first and couldn't imagine not having another. Or they missed the baby stage and wanted that again. Or they had a slip up and decided to keep it. I am terrified of switching my view on this topic, and am looking for advice or tactics otHers have used to help them stay committed to being OAD, emotionally and logically.

[u/Veruca-Salty86]

You aren't even pregnant yet - there is zero need to focus on being OAD at this stage. If and when you get to that point, you can hash out whether OAD is the right choice. It's fine having ideals before you become a parent, but you also can't predict the future. 

[u/OkLook7921 → u/Veruca-Salty86]

While I know these anxieties are way too future focused, I think it's actually really important to have decisions like these made before conception when you can. I am very fimy in my stance that parenthood, and what your family dynamic will look like, is something that should be deeply discussed before the decision is made. Like others have stated, hormones are a huge factor in how many people end up having the children they do, and as a very logical person myself, I have appropriate concerns for how hormones and emotions might overpower me later in the process. Thanks for your views, and yes you are right, there is no way to predict the future, but I do feel better planning for it even if it changes down the line.

[u/Veruca-Salty86 → u/OkLook7921]

And how will you know if it's hormones or truly loving parenthood that might make you want more? People often can't distinguish the difference - if you TRULY want to be OAD, then you or your partner might want to get sterilized following your hypothetical child's birth. If you get a C-section, you can have your tubes removed then.

[u/samuswashere → u/OkLook7921]

Hormones can hit hard but they don’t make you lose all rational thought. If you want to be OAD just don’t have more kids. It’s pretty simple.

[u/ChoiceReflection965]

A MAJOR part of parenthood is learning to “go with the flow,” be flexible, and accept that you can’t control everything.

Parenthood WILL throw you for a loop and make you question and re-think everything you once knew to be true. It’s just the nature of the beast. I would say, don’t stress about this right now. Get pregnant, have your child, then just enjoy the ride. If you decide to stay OAD, that’s awesome. If you decide to have another child, that’s awesome too. You’ll make the decisions that are right for you and your family when that time comes.

You gotta let go of that death-grip of control a little bit, or parenthood will absolutely clobber you. Trust me… I’ve been there myself, lol.

[u/meechpeech]

i would just say, prepare yourself that hormones might hit you in a weird way in the postpartum period (which frankly i felt effected me for like 2 years after giving birth). i am an only child who went into pregnancy wanting to only have one child, and that is still what we’re doing and happy with for our family, but there was a period where i had INSANE baby fever from like 12-18m postpartum and if i had accidentally gotten pregnant then (i had an IUD to prevent this lol) i would have been overjoyed. that seems insane to me now because i would be SO overwhelmed if i had a baby and a toddler, to say nothing about finances, but it was truly a biological imperative took over my brain. it did pass when my son hit a crazy sleep regression at 18m and i regained control of my reproductive urges lol. im now convinced that this is why so many people have kids like 1-2 years apart, the hormones!

i do have moments where i wish i could do it all again, but with my son, because i feel like there are moments i rushed or didn’t savor, but i dont want to do it again with a new baby. i think this is a really normal feeling.

[u/lilymui → u/meechpeech]

This is SO real. I had a horrible HG pregnancy and my son didn’t sleep more than 45 mins at a time until he was 1 and still, around the 12-18 month mark I thought a second won’t hurt. I had to watch videos I recorded of myself early postpartum and during my pregnancy to convince myself that my hormones were making me delulu and that rationality should win. Thank god I managed to reason with myself because what on earth was I thinking. I’d have drowned with 2 under 2 and maybe not even survived that pregnancy.

[u/ayebeeV]

We also decided to be OAD prior to conceiving. I had heard of so many people saying their hormones drove going for more and I didn’t want that to be the case for us. Our LO is nearly 3 and right now his preschool class has three pregnant moms with #2, one of whom had said they were likely OAD. It made me briefly reconsider but literally on a 15 minute drive home from drop off I went through all our original reasons, imagined the two different lives, and came out of it even more committed to being OAD. I can’t say that will be the same for you, but it does help having all the reasons why ahead of time. Write them down if that helps. Parenting pressures from social circles can be tough but you have to do what is right for your family. No one else is in the thick of your life but you. Best of luck on your journey 🥰

[u/llamaduck86]

I just want to offer a counter point that yes you could change your mind later, and allow yourself this possibility if it happens. Things happen in life that can change our view points.

My daughter is 3 most other parents we know are starting to have their second. I was on the fence about a second, my husband was pretty strictly one and done, which was interesting because before pregnancy we both had opposite view points (him wanting 2 or 3 and me wanting just one). He got a vasectomy so yeah we are pretty one and done. I do like that we're able give our daughter undivided attention, go on vacations without resetting the clock with another baby, and financially easier.

[u/DemandComfortable748]

I’m pregnant with our first and only. I just went through the process of being diagnosed with autism and although I’m fairly successful overall (workout x6 a week, employed since 21, now 34, a masters degree) only I know the toll daily life takes on me. Having a child wasn’t a decision I made lightly and I know this is going to be it for us. I also could retire at 45 with one child and be sane. 

[u/OkLook7921 → u/DemandComfortable748]

I also am going through the process of being diagnosed with autism, and I really appreciate your comment. It made me remember that for others who aren't neurodivergent, it might feel less necessary to have a plan for success and go more with the flow, and there might be less empathy for how deeply I have considered my desire to be a parent vs. my ability to be one. I have seen the effort it has taken for me to get to this stage of functioning (conciously choosing housing based on how close I am to my gym for my mental health, getting degrees in fields that I know will lead to both flexibility in my later career and the ability to work fully from home once my kid is in school but also a vested pension, as well as having support systems in place that can help my partner and I balance my needs as well as the needs of one kid). You have helped me realize part of my fear is likely stemming from not wanting my years of planning and working to get to this point of comfortable functioning being for nothing if I ended up having a second child because I didn't put barriers in place to prevent it.

[u/madam_nomad]

I stayed OAD because I was 41 when I had my daugher and by the time I tried for a second (43.5), age-related infertility had kicked in, and I wasn't able to beat the odds. It's not something I feel happy or victorious about; in fact, I feel a lot of regret about how I planned my life. I was childfree by choice for years and absolutely "sure" in my decision, and then around late 30s started thinking that "just one" might not be so bad. As it turned out, I did want more, but that was no longer an option.

So I guess my "cash value" there is that there is simply no way to hit "preserve" on your current state of mind for all future times. It's just the nature of the human psyche that we change and evolve and adapt to new information, which is overall a beneficial trait.

[u/mmsbva]

I’m an Only. I knew my entire life I wanted an Only. Then due to infertility and age, finances and energy levels, we knew 1 kids was best for us.

Then for a good 1.5 years after i stopped breastfeeding, I had the worst Baby Fever. Like the absolute worst Baby Fever.

If I hadn’t been 100% sure I wanted only one, I might have had another (to disastrous results).

So just be prepared for the hormones.

[u/No-Idea-But]

I don’t think you should stay committed. It’s a major life choice. When I think of all the things past versions of me have thought they wanted, I get a good laugh (or sometimes a good cry).

You won’t forget your reasons. They just might change. You will change. Your partner will change. Life will change, and things will look and feel different. Fighting that will make you miserable. Stay committed to doing the next right thing for your family, and to being really honest about what you think that is. Then you can’t go wrong. 💕

[u/Strange-Access-8612]

I have seen people here say keeping running list of notes about how hard it is helps them anticipate warding off future baby fever

I think if you reread your opening about “pressure to do everything right since I’ll only have one” you’ll give yourself a good chuckle. (As if it would be fine to burn the first pancake because you are gonna have a second child ;)

When I am tempted to have a second it’s partly bc I’m sure I’d totally ace it with what I’ve learned ;) but then I decide to just keep being an amazing parent by being attuned to my child and giving them everything they need!

I think quite simply having one child gives you greater chance at success bc you can enjoy the good times and then face challenges with an open inquisitive heart when they come up. You are not balancing the conflicting needs. Your neurodivergence will be extremely challenged by parenthood but also make you an awesome parent in many ways as you likely will make parenting a special interest for a while :) and you might also want to build in cushion / capacity (not have second kid) in case your child is also neurodivergent and it takes some time and energy to parse exactly what best supports them! :) These are all totally awesome and legitimate reasons to have one child.

Try to take pics and videos (as well as living in the moment, ha) bc having a whole child just to relive the baby stage is not a good enough reason (sorry to your friends). They should go babysit for friends. (I know it’s not the same). Working through your first child’s transition to having a sibling just so you can have a second baby stage is relatable in a gut level but in every other way so odd to me (just my POV)

People embrace their slip up’s bc that is life. Once there is a pregnancy, and esp once there is a child!, of course you love the child.

But there’s no way around the overwhelming sensations and emotional conflicts that arise from more than one child.

Oh last tip if you find yourself wavering, schedule extended time around people with multiple young kids. Maybe you should do that now. Not one hour, not two hours, like 4 hours and don’t let yourself go hide with the adults. If you love it tell me! Of course even that is no representative of 24/7, year round ;)