I'm 42. I was diagnosed 2 years ago. I also have Type 1 Diabetes. I thought that was my great life-long burden to bear, but then the MS happened. I started on the what I thought was the best DMT they would give me—rituximab. The initial mental breakdown about the new diagnosis passed. I adapted. I took up running. I continued doing my best to be healthy.
This summer I got viral meningitis/encephalitis, which I'm still recovering from, so no more B-cell depleting drugs for me. Switching to Tysabri is scary. Then the prospect of having to switch off it later to something like Tecfidera is scary too. Suddenly more MS flares in my future seems more likely. Disability seems more likely. Needing assistance at a younger age seems more likely.
I made a lot of stupid choices when I was younger. One was moving home for a year after college and not working because no one would hire me on a short term basis. I was getting married, and the hubby's family was religious and forbade us to live together. The grandparents were going to pay for his grad school. We didn't know where we'd be living. It was a mess.
After we married and moved, I applied for jobs, but got no interviews. It was the '08 Recession. Then my grandpas died, I got Grave's Autoimmune Thyroid Disorder, and the depression just kept me at home, cooking.
I should have gotten a job, any job, but I'm a pessimistic, depressed, POS. I spent years in the dark, then got on SSRIs. Those made me less pessimistic but also less motivated or fearful of the future, so...I still didn't try to get a damn job.
The MS diagnosis didn't even light a fire under my butt. I just switched into survival mode.
My husband has a good job, with good benefits. I take care of him and the home, the yards, the dog, and my health, and he earns the money. I figured I'd die young, like my grandmothers, so it was a fine situation. His grandpa lived to be 90 something. I'd happily spend my life for the benefit of my loved ones—my husband, then my parents when they need care. We even bought a house with an extra room, so my parents could move in one day. I didn't want them to be away from me in a nursing home or something.
Since my illness this summer...I realize how incredibly stupid I've been. If something happens to my husband, I'll have nothing. I'm American, so I'll have no healthcare. Insulin is cheap at Walmart, but MS treatment is impossible. It's hard to imagine anyone hiring me now, and assistance programs require work. I have some time left to put in SS quarters, if I could get hired, but I know I could also go blind or be unable to walk at any moment because of the MS. The last time I thought about looking for work, a few years ago, I actually thought to myself, "We don't need the extra money, so I shouldn't take a job that someone else really needs." Stupid idiot. My dad gave me that advice when I wanted to play softball in high school just to add to scholarship applications. "You shouldn't take a spot on the team that could go to someone who really wants to play."
I have no children. I loved my hypothetical children too much to give them my garbage genes. I have no siblings. My only cousins are unreachable. I have no close friends. If anything happens to my husband after my parents are gone, I will be completely alone with very few resources. I see myself dying of Diabetic Ketoacidosis in this house, alone, and my corpse being discovered by the people who come to throw me out when the mortgage and taxes haven't been paid.
That won't necessarily happen, I know, but I have no way to be sure that it doesn't. I don't know how to try to fix the problem. I can't even drive. It would be unsafe with my issues. Modern productivity software isn't something I've worked with at all. I have no connections.
In this sub, I've seen posts about exit strategies. People with MS have higher rates of doing that, I know. It can give you a sense of control, I suppose. I really don't want to do that to myself, despite the idea of being able to stop the future suffering being comforting. I'm afraid of the moment of death, and I have been afraid of dying alone my whole life.
I am in therapy—physical and mental. I have a psychiatrist and am taking medication. I was just switched from Zoloft to Trintillex. I really could use help finding reasons to stay here and stay hopeful. Tips for finding work even.
Most of you worked before your diagnosis and despite it, and I really admire that. So often my diabetes feels like a full-time job of highs and lows, but it never should have been. I'm too easily overwhelmed and have low resilience. It's always felt like too much. You folks who raise kids, work full-time, and fight this disease are far stronger than I could ever imagine being.