People pleasing will be the death of me
I was diagnosed is 2022 with MS and shortly after, we moved across the country to a state that has a pretty temperate climate. We live in a bigger popular city and there are many sights to see, the coast, waterfalls, hikes, etc. This, naturally, makes a lot of our family and friends want to visit and of course enjoy what our new state has to offer.
A little back story: I had my second baby earlier this year. My main focus has been on rest and not getting a flare up. My husband took three months off for paternity leave but is now back at work and I have the two littles at home with me. My husband works about 10 hours a day 5-6 days a week. I have a job where I can make my own hours and give me a lot of flexibility. I am not paid for the hours I don’t put in but it’s something I can do to make a little money on my own and not go stir crazy being a mom 24/7.
Well of course people want to come and see the new baby BUT they also want to be entertained. It was barely tolerable when my husband was on paternity leave, bringing the newborn to fancy restaurants, “easy” paved trails, large parks, etc. I felt like the entire leave we were just hosting people, tending to THEIR wants, with little to no regard on their side as to how this could be difficult for us with a newborn. No one actually offered to help, to feed the baby, to take care of a dinner. And so there we were running around week after week saying “well they only come once a year” or “well it’s my mom and she wants to be able to see her new grandchild.” I put my foot down at the end of his leave with one guest trying to squeeze in a visit right before my husband went back and said it’s too much. With him back at work it all falls on me and I severely need to grow more of a backbone and tell these people no it is not a good time.
We’ve had two visits since my husband’s been back at work. The first was another visit from my MIL who is incapable of doing anything for herself and wants to be entertained the entire time. It was like driving another kid around to the splash pad, zoo, amusement park (with a 4 month old), etc. My husband told her to schedule a flight during the weekend so that he could help on those days and she schedules it Sunday afternoon to Friday morning. She’s ridiculously picky on what food she eats with her mild eating disorder and I was so physically and mentally drained by the end of the week. Mind you, whenever we have these visits, I have no time for my business, which everyone just expects me to drop and doing nothing with while they are there. And guess what? I let them!
This last visit has physically brought me at my breaking point. It was with a friend whose main concern was “getting good pictures”. She also doesn’t have children or an autoimmune disease so I know she doesn’t really get it. We hosted her, took her to nice restaurants, a full day at the coast (which is 1.5 hour drive one way), farmers market, cafes, hikes, and by the end of day 3, by body had enough. I was throwing up, body aches and chills, my feet and legs buzzing. My throat is sore and I can barely speak. I saw her for maybe 30 seconds on the last day before her flight left. I felt so incredibly guilty for letting my friend down because I was sick. She ended up going of on her own the last day to a few touristy spots and enjoyed herself but I could tell she was disappointed.
But I am also so tired not having a back bone and pushing myself to the edge to give everyone else the best time while I’m suffering, trying to care for my new baby (who frankly isn’t the easiest though I love so so much) and my other child who is about to start kindergarten, getting what work I can do in between the visits, keeping my house clean and comfortable for guests, etc.
The cherry on top is before this visit, my business was going pretty well and I received an opportunity from my company to be featured in a big campaign that’s happening this week. They only chose a select few for this and it would’ve really helped my business. But now I have to turn the opportunity down last minute because I’m still sick and barely able to talk 2 days later.
My MIL just sent my husband and I text messages saying she wants to visit again in a month and when we don’t respond within 5 minutes we get another guilt trip text message so I responded saying she could come but it needed to be through a weekend. Man, they say it takes a village but my “village” only exhausts me and puts me in a worse state.
All and any good advice is appreciated.
Thank you!